Camping (US) (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Just Plain Mad
1 Do you want to take something to help you sleep? - (PANTING) - Oh shit.
I gave her an Adderall.
Let's play a game.
- Truth or dare? - Truth.
- What's your biggest secret? - My biggest secret is that - Nina-Joy cheated on George! - I found something today.
Does this mean what I think it means? - I don't want to get married.
- I'm just trying to remind you to hold your blessings and gratitude.
Do you even look at my Instagram? Gratitude is my most frequently used hashtag.
[CHEERY 8-BIT MUSIC.]
[SCOFFS SOFTLY.]
Well [SIGHS.]
I guess tai chi can fuck right off Along with everything else I've ever planned.
Hey, could you please rant somewhere else? I was up till 4:00 a.
m.
working on my novel.
- You're writing a novel? - Yeah.
It's for school.
It's 724 pages so far.
Well, congrats on your productive night.
I took a study drug and nearly died.
Hey Whoa Hey - [LAUGHTER.]
- I believe a university in New Jersey that I could give two shits about.
No, last night, I dreamed that I was, like, - falling through a, um - It's not uncommon.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It was almost - I think dreams go very deep.
- Hi.
[CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Hello.
- That's what it was.
- [EERILY.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
Ooh Am I Casper the Friendly Ghost or something, with my invisible ghost itinerary? Hey, honey, where have you been? You have, like, a sheen about you.
Oh, where have I been? Um, I've just returned from a rage walk.
Oh, that reminds me.
- I need some exercise.
- Oh.
Oh, like tai chi, for example.
The tai chi that was maybe on your itinerary? Uh, that sounds fun.
Should we do that later? Uh, yuck, no.
Let's do that Japanese YouTube tutorial on ice cream dancing, right? You know what I'm talking about? - It's amazing.
- I love Japanese videos! Yeah! [SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
- No.
- Have you seen the Japanese videos? Oh, my God.
- Ice cream? - It will.
I got one bar.
- Delish.
- Listen up! I don't care about your ice cream dancing or about any of your exercise regimen, to be honest.
I am sorry to be hostile, NJ.
It's it's not about you, but I feel the need to say that it's become very clear to me that nobody cares to follow the ideal schedule I so carefully constructed, including you, which is fine.
But it makes me need to tell you that you can fuck right off and find your own fun.
Whoa, Katty.
Excuse my French.
Ah! I am just still cranked out of my mind from the pill that Jandice gave me.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay, I'm sorry about that.
But I tend to think that any new experience is worthwhile, no matter what it is, you know? That's so true.
So real.
So if you are looking at your itinerary Doubtful Then I should let you know that the omelet jam has been canceled.
- No.
- Yes, canceled.
Wait, there's no jam? I just made fresh toast.
No, there is jam, you dumb fuck.
It's on the table in front of you.
There is no omelet jam.
Oh, yeah.
It's right there.
However, I should let you know that some sort of animal has gotten into the bulk of our food, including the cheese, which is full of some kind of odd little bite marks.
So you can find your own breakfast.
Walter, Carleen, please be dressed in seven minutes! We need to replenish our supplies.
As for the rest of you, you can all fuck right off.
Enjoy the scope of your morning.
- Hmm.
- It's a new Okay, gotta go.
Now, guys, when I get to the supermarket, I'm gonna - Walter! - Yeah.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Hi.
Hey.
You wanna unwrap me? Or should I unwrap myself? Then Jandie can taste the candy.
I can't right now.
I'm journaling some feelings.
Are they sexy feelings? No, they're angry feelings.
Is this about last night? The the the ring thing? Nope.
'Cause I I'm here if you wanna talk about it.
I don't need to talk about it.
Okay, well What would cheer my baby up, huh? Shall we go to town, get some "caw-fee"? [CHUCKLES.]
I'll buy you some fun little toys, huh? Come on.
Okay, fine.
Bu you have to wear your gift.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, this is brisk, huh? Nice and brisk.
It's great to get a break from the group, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Are you having fun? Right now I'm just trying to figure out which direction we came from.
I've got an iPhone compass mid-download.
[CHUCKLING.]
On this trip.
Eh no.
What do you mean "no"? I mean for the same reasons you mean "no.
" It's kind of a dreadful trip.
Everybody's either in a massive crisis or trying to knit me a fisherman's cap for my outsized head or both.
But we aren't in crisis, are we? [LAUGHING.]
Are you fucking kidding me? We're in constant crisis.
It's been a cold war since we started the trip, but make no mistake, Rome is definitely burning, baby doll, and the match that lit it is that other guy's dick.
You wanna have this conversation now? Hey, relationships are hard, right? And you and I are basically You know, look, it's like this hike.
You know, there's some nice, flat stretches, and then some fucking climbs, and at the end of the climb, you're still panting.
Well, I'm still panting after our emotional climb.
And I was also bitten by a snake.
When? Whe it's a metaphor.
The snake being that I know you had lunch with Braylen.
- What? - I'm sorry.
It's hard to break the habit of going through your phone, but it was four months without me checking it, and this trip has just been one trigger after another.
And your passcode is so easy: 6969, you little freak.
And so in I went, and I saw that you were making lunch plans with Braylen.
Are you fucking serious? So you mean to say that you did not make lunch plans with Braylen? You did not make a date to shit on my heart over avocado toast and wedge salads? I mean to say that his mother's sick and we discussed it, and I decided to do what's best for our relationship and not go.
Oh, what a comfort! What a comfort.
So you you you decided to not fully poison our relationship and instead just lightly sprinkle arsenic all over it? Thank you so much.
How long do I have to pay for my mistake? I thought you paid in full.
It seemed like you did.
But now, you are on a layaway plan again for sure.
You know what? [CHUCKLES WRYLY.]
I'm not in the mood for a WUWU.
A what? A WUWU.
A W-U-W-U: "What's Up With Us.
" I asked you a question.
How long do I have to pay? I don't know.
How long did it take you to pay off those rooms at the Ace Hotel? George, no.
Him being a very stylish and markedly younger man, was it important to his hipsterdom to fuck in a hotel that embodied his very nature? Could he not get off without a needlepoint of a badger and a vintage mirror in the room? I'm not doing this.
I came on this trip for you.
- And I know that.
- I'm here for you.
Oh, God, so lovely of you to be there for me.
I am so grateful for that.
And deep down inside myself, I will treasure this gesture till the day I fucking die, but I guess it kind of sucks for me when I'm on this trip and I look at these other couples, and they have not fucking cheated on each other, and they don't even have [MOCKINGLY.]
a Braylen.
These couples? They despise each other.
Have you not seen them? Please, can we save this for Dr.
Schildkraut? I have things that I want to say, and I save them.
I lock them up.
I don't yell them the minute that they come to me.
Oh, congrats, Hillary Clinton! Nice poker face! [SIGHS.]
Got it? Everyone probably expects me to give you a list of items, but honestly, I don't care.
I carefully grocery shopped, and an animal ate those shoppings.
And nobody would have appreciated my Meyer lemon chicken and couscous anyway, so just buy whatever you like.
But didn't you have a vision for tonight's dinner? Whatever I pick is gonna be hotly contested.
- Let's skip it.
- I'll just buy a bunch of ground chuck and make my patented jumbo sliders then.
I guess I'll make my famous rolls.
Since when are your rolls famous, Carleen? I've never even heard you say the word "roll" until just now.
You know, if you're gonna do that, though, could you also do other carbs as well, like new potatoes, sweet potatoes, potato chips? What is wrong with me? Why do I have to make it so easy for everyone? - I'll get dessert, I guess.
- Does anyone have - a slice of paper? - Yes.
I have a Moleskine in the glove compartment.
I find it a great place to jot down idle thoughts in traffic.
Nobody needs to hear your poetry, Walt.
Mother's Day is more than enough.
You know what, Carleen? Why don't you do dessert? Carbs is kind of a big job.
I thought you liked my poems.
Whoa, you're really going for blood today, Katty.
Wait, so was I demoted? Well, you weren't promoted.
Let's put it that way.
Come on, guys, let's get this moving.
You think that bar is walking distance from here? I have an idea.
Maybe we can all do a quick visualization exercise in which we successfully picture retrieving our items.
[SIGHS.]
'Sup? Okay, thanks, man.
- Did they let you go poop? - Uh, no.
They don't consider a tank top a shirt.
But I swiped you something.
Sweets for my sweet.
What is this? It's a Ring Pop.
Now you have many rings from me.
Did you steal it? Yes, I did.
Do you see that guy in there? He probably makes, like, $2 an hour, and you just stole on his watch.
Well, you stole these tiny pants for me.
I only steal from businesses that overcharge.
I only steal from assholes.
Okay, just just unwrap it, okay? It's delicious.
Lick it.
It's just, how do I really know it's for me? I mean, you got it for me, you gave it to me, but you could take it back at any moment.
Why would I lick it if it's not really mine? [SIGHS.]
I mean, I just can't believe you would be that emotionally irresponsible.
You wanna talk responsibility? This morning, when you were with Orvis, you asked him if he was "down to fucking clown.
" He's, like, six.
Six year olds love curse words.
Curse words are crack for children.
"Pussy," "asshole," "fuck," "titties.
" They love it.
Look, look, we can't do this, all right? We gotta settle.
If we go back to the camp and we're fighting, too, it's gonna be pandemonium.
What do you say we just smoke some weed? You have weed? Yeah, I brought my vape.
Okay.
I feel safe now.
Could I get a sample of that lean-ground sirloin? I'm gonna need to do a taste test.
Raw is fine.
You know what? Just put it right in my mouth.
Oh, Orvis, you're not allowed to drink the Never mind.
Excuse me, sir? Can you direct me to the nonpareils? The what? The nonpareils.
Huh? A decorative confectionary made of tiny, sugary balls? Did you try the beef jerky aisle? That's the first place I looked.
I like pickles and pickles like me [SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, thank God! Walter.
Hey, Carleen.
Fancy meeting you here.
[SIGHS.]
I can't find any nonpareils, and I worry that my dessert choices won't be up to snuff.
You know what? This is my birthday, so I will be the judge of whether the desserts are up to snuff.
[SIGHS.]
But, Walter, it's not your opinion that I worry about.
I think we both know what I mean.
I think we both do.
You know, I am not one to get angry.
No, of course not.
You're so even-tempered.
Mom said I was like a spaniel: always ready for a walk, a nap, or a snack.
Steady.
Steady.
[EXHALING.]
Oh, but right now, I don't feel so steady.
I feel really unsteady, actually.
I have this feeling in my throat that scares me.
Is this what rage tastes like? Excuse me.
This isn't social hour.
We'll talk later.
Let's let's move it along.
Oh, I was just here for, um, cat food.
Walt, are those all pickles? Yeah, I wanted to make sure that George, Miguel, and I had a jar each.
Are we gonna have a meal of pickles? Well, I'm not done, Kathryn.
Honestly, just look in your cart and imagine how you'd react if you were me.
- [SIGHS.]
- I can't.
What? I can't imagine how I'd react.
It is beyond my imagination what you think.
I just want pickles.
I'll pay for the pickles.
[WHISPERING.]
These are my fucking pickles.
Walt! Walter! Oh, good.
We can get a drink.
Well, they probably won't open for, like, maybe another five hours.
Let's see about that.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
Hey.
Hey.
What's up with this cute place? Uh, we're open at 2:00.
Wouldn't it be so much more fun if you were open, like, right now? [GIGGLES.]
Mm.
What do you think Mojo's doing right now? He's a cat.
He's probably sleeping.
But what if he's not? What if he's started a revolution in the neighborhood? You never know.
You really don't, you know? He might have gathered all the cats, and they're rising up to take Silver Lake back from the oppressive human regime.
Do you want a blow job? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
A blow job from a pretty lady in a barn? You're on.
But this isn't a peace offering beej, right? I don't want your pity suck.
So you're turning down a blow job? Even if it's for a little while? I don't know if it's gonna be a little while.
It's probably gonna just take a minute.
Even better.
[EXHALES.]
I keep forgetting that I'm mad at you.
But I am mad at you.
- All right? - [ZIPPER UNZIPS.]
Very mad.
I mean, fuck Braylen.
- And fuck you oh.
- [SLURPS.]
- Joe.
- Jesus! Carleen, what? You startle so easily lately.
It must be a post-acute-withdrawal symptom.
You mind not nursing me to death? I'm trying to nurse you to life.
But if you would rather Jandice do the job, she can.
What are you talking about? I know you rubbed against her in the night.
I heard all about it.
From who? All right, Kathryn? She's on Adderall.
You can't trust a thing she says.
[SIGHS.]
I can tolerate a whole lot, Joe.
I can take whatever is thrown at me.
But don't make a fool out of me, okay? Don't make me the fool.
Yeah, I'm not I'm not doing that.
All right? I would never do that to you.
Then what were you doing with her in the night? We were j we were talking, all right? We were kicking around business ideas.
I'm not cheating on you.
Was it a business idea for a kissing machine? [SIGHS.]
Car you know what, Carleen? Can you just back the fuck off, all right? [STAMMERS.]
I don't know what was going on, all right? I was drunk, so You're always drunk.
[RETCHES, COUGHS.]
How come every time I see you, you're having, like, some insane puke-athon? [GROANS SOFTLY.]
[RETCHES.]
You okay? [SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
Sophia, you have to try belly dancing.
It is literally the only palatable form of exercise.
Hey, excuse me, Jandice, but seriously, I-I think we need to talk about this more.
Are you serious? You wanna go home? Okay, just let me finish with Jeffrey's Long Island iced tea.
Here you go, sir.
Enjoy.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
You guys just make me feel so relaxed.
[LAUGHING.]
But I also wanna drive in a convertible and just let my hair down.
[LAUGHING.]
This guy.
The fuck do you want? I'm trying to serve people.
[GROANS LOUDLY.]
What the fuck? Oh.
Oh, I should probably tell you I don't really work here.
[BOTH SIGH.]
[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS.]
I'm not having a great time.
Okay, uh what do you wanna do, baby-baby? [SIGHS.]
[QUIETLY.]
Shit.
Are you going off me? - A little bit.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just please don't.
Please.
Okay, I'm sorry.
How much are you going off me? Um like, 80%? [WHIMPERS.]
Shit.
[CRYING.]
Shit, I wasn't mentally prepared for you to say anything above 75.
Shit, ah, no I don't [CRIES.]
I cannot go through this again.
Please, Jandie.
I cannot do this again.
Okay, I'm sorry, but I just wanted a fun little jaunt.
This is a lot, man.
First we get engaged, then we don't get engaged, and right before that, I knocked over the kid and everybody was a cunt to me.
- [WHIMPERING.]
Yeah.
- You should've told me everyone was gonna be cunts to me.
Do they not even get that I'm a girls' girl? I know, I know.
I know.
I should've been more honest.
I should've I should've told I know.
I'm so sorry.
Please.
[SIGHS.]
I'm not having any fun.
I think I should go back to LA.
No, don't.
Please don't go back to LA.
- LA sucks.
- This trip sucks.
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck, can we just Can we just do a little bit of something to chill the fuck out? 'Cause I'm just going to fuck Oh! Oh, my God, I have coke.
Yes.
Okay, I is that good? Super chill.
[JANDICE SNIFFING.]
Oh! [INHALES.]
I really, really love drugs.
[SNIFFS.]
I mean, not in a creepy way.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- I really love you, baby.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I wanna snort this off your cock.
- Okay? - Oh, Jesus.
I'm gonna tip this on your cock and then open up my compact My mirror And crush it like a waffle iron.
[SPLUTTERS.]
What? A a are you? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah, just just don't lead me on, baby.
Let's get some coke on your cock.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, w why are we doing this again? It absorbs better up into the dick skin.
I've done it with a ton of guys.
It's kosher.
Just please, don't stop loving me, baby.
Yeah, okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [EXHALES.]
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[YELPS.]
Sol? Hey, you seen a pissed off teenager? No? Okay.
Solomon! Solomon Jericha! Hey! You left your cart in the middle of the aisle.
Now, do you want all of this fluffed marshmallow, or are you just being a dick? - Later.
- Later.
- Can you put that back for me? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Sol.
What the fuck? Your attitude is "Shitty Shitty Bang Bang" right now.
- Fuck off.
- Don't talk to me like that! Why? You talk to your girlfriend like that all the time.
You talk to her like she's garbage.
Just break up with her already.
That's great advice.
What are you, about to start menstruating? Uh, I've had my period for two years.
Well, shit.
You know, they don't make a manual for this shit, Sol, but I'm doing my best, okay? You are such a joke.
You think you're cool because you were in a band for 11 seconds in 1942.
Yeah, we were almost signed to Matador, so Nobody cares.
I get that you met the Goo Goo Dolls, - but nobody cares.
- Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
The Goo Goo Dolls met me.
Huh? They were excited to meet me.
You're so full of shit anyways.
Carleen drives you crazy too.
Now you're acting all Women's March-y about her.
Yeah, Dad, maybe I am.
It's the fucking female future, so fucking get fucking used to it.
[DOOR SLAMS OPEN.]
[EXHALES.]
Sorry that took me so long.
I was emotionally conflicted.
Did we fix it yet? Well the blow job certainly helped, but we ain't all the way there.
[LAUGHS.]
What can I do? Seriously, what can I do? [GRUNTS.]
I wanna fuck somebody else so that we can be even.
- "Even"? - Mm-hmm.
Is that how you think this works? Yeah, kinda.
[LAUGHS.]
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Why, are you jealous? You don't want me to fuck somebody else? I don't get jealous.
It's not an evolved state.
So you won't mind if I have sex with somebody in our tent tonight? [LAUGHS.]
You're gonna have sex with someone here? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
It's vacation, and that thing is very spacious.
Oh, good luck.
Thanks.
Don't need it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Dick made of gold.
All right.
Well, that took longer than I would've liked, but you all did okay.
Although, Carleen, I have zero idea what you think we're gonna do with this vat of rainbow sprinkles.
- [SNICKERS.]
- I like rainbow sprinkles, - Aunt Carleen.
- [EXHALES.]
Thank you, Orvis.
Please excuse me.
I need to brush my teeth badly.
- Well, you know where to go.
- And maybe while I am gone brushing these teeth, you could take a moment to consider speaking to Walt and myself in a more respectful tone.
Jesus.
What's gotten into her? Well, first of all, you told her that I was hanging out with Jandice last night, which was totally innocent, by the way.
I saw a nuzzle I did not care for.
I didn't nuzzle shit.
If I hear the word "nuzzle" one more time, I'm going to kill myself.
She was mad at you, Kathryn, all right? - Not me.
- Mad at me? You're the one who treats her like she's your nanny.
If she's mad at anyone, it's you.
Oh, yeah, and years of verbal and emotional abuse from you doesn't add up, huh? - She's mad about that.
- Joe, you're working nerves - I do not presently have.
- She is mad at everybody.
She has been waiting a long time to feel this and to let this out and to finally express the pain and the humiliation.
Now she's just mad.
You can't fix it, Kathryn.
You can't change it.
Sometimes, someone is just so fucking mad, and they're saving it, and they're saving it, saving it, and they just They can't save it anymore.
[IMITATES FIZZLING.]
Can we go back to camp and have lunch like civilized people? Should we do that? Because it is my birthday today, and that is one of my wishes.
[TENSE ROCK MUSIC.]
["WASH MY HANDS SHORTY" BY THE I.
L.
Y.
'S.]
Reconciled with accuracy In agreement with menstruation Erectiled being of hits Simpleton, simpleton The horror of my clothes is Standing up The face on this body is Going far So be it if your character Actually sucks My secret doesn't have the wholesome stuff Wash my hands, shorty.
The horror of my clothes is Standing up The face on this body is Going far So be it if your character Actually sucks My secret doesn't have the wholesome stuff Wash my hands, shorty.
I gave her an Adderall.
Let's play a game.
- Truth or dare? - Truth.
- What's your biggest secret? - My biggest secret is that - Nina-Joy cheated on George! - I found something today.
Does this mean what I think it means? - I don't want to get married.
- I'm just trying to remind you to hold your blessings and gratitude.
Do you even look at my Instagram? Gratitude is my most frequently used hashtag.
[CHEERY 8-BIT MUSIC.]
[SCOFFS SOFTLY.]
Well [SIGHS.]
I guess tai chi can fuck right off Along with everything else I've ever planned.
Hey, could you please rant somewhere else? I was up till 4:00 a.
m.
working on my novel.
- You're writing a novel? - Yeah.
It's for school.
It's 724 pages so far.
Well, congrats on your productive night.
I took a study drug and nearly died.
Hey Whoa Hey - [LAUGHTER.]
- I believe a university in New Jersey that I could give two shits about.
No, last night, I dreamed that I was, like, - falling through a, um - It's not uncommon.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It was almost - I think dreams go very deep.
- Hi.
[CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Hello.
- That's what it was.
- [EERILY.]
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
Ooh Am I Casper the Friendly Ghost or something, with my invisible ghost itinerary? Hey, honey, where have you been? You have, like, a sheen about you.
Oh, where have I been? Um, I've just returned from a rage walk.
Oh, that reminds me.
- I need some exercise.
- Oh.
Oh, like tai chi, for example.
The tai chi that was maybe on your itinerary? Uh, that sounds fun.
Should we do that later? Uh, yuck, no.
Let's do that Japanese YouTube tutorial on ice cream dancing, right? You know what I'm talking about? - It's amazing.
- I love Japanese videos! Yeah! [SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
- No.
- Have you seen the Japanese videos? Oh, my God.
- Ice cream? - It will.
I got one bar.
- Delish.
- Listen up! I don't care about your ice cream dancing or about any of your exercise regimen, to be honest.
I am sorry to be hostile, NJ.
It's it's not about you, but I feel the need to say that it's become very clear to me that nobody cares to follow the ideal schedule I so carefully constructed, including you, which is fine.
But it makes me need to tell you that you can fuck right off and find your own fun.
Whoa, Katty.
Excuse my French.
Ah! I am just still cranked out of my mind from the pill that Jandice gave me.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay, I'm sorry about that.
But I tend to think that any new experience is worthwhile, no matter what it is, you know? That's so true.
So real.
So if you are looking at your itinerary Doubtful Then I should let you know that the omelet jam has been canceled.
- No.
- Yes, canceled.
Wait, there's no jam? I just made fresh toast.
No, there is jam, you dumb fuck.
It's on the table in front of you.
There is no omelet jam.
Oh, yeah.
It's right there.
However, I should let you know that some sort of animal has gotten into the bulk of our food, including the cheese, which is full of some kind of odd little bite marks.
So you can find your own breakfast.
Walter, Carleen, please be dressed in seven minutes! We need to replenish our supplies.
As for the rest of you, you can all fuck right off.
Enjoy the scope of your morning.
- Hmm.
- It's a new Okay, gotta go.
Now, guys, when I get to the supermarket, I'm gonna - Walter! - Yeah.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Hi.
Hey.
You wanna unwrap me? Or should I unwrap myself? Then Jandie can taste the candy.
I can't right now.
I'm journaling some feelings.
Are they sexy feelings? No, they're angry feelings.
Is this about last night? The the the ring thing? Nope.
'Cause I I'm here if you wanna talk about it.
I don't need to talk about it.
Okay, well What would cheer my baby up, huh? Shall we go to town, get some "caw-fee"? [CHUCKLES.]
I'll buy you some fun little toys, huh? Come on.
Okay, fine.
Bu you have to wear your gift.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, this is brisk, huh? Nice and brisk.
It's great to get a break from the group, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Are you having fun? Right now I'm just trying to figure out which direction we came from.
I've got an iPhone compass mid-download.
[CHUCKLING.]
On this trip.
Eh no.
What do you mean "no"? I mean for the same reasons you mean "no.
" It's kind of a dreadful trip.
Everybody's either in a massive crisis or trying to knit me a fisherman's cap for my outsized head or both.
But we aren't in crisis, are we? [LAUGHING.]
Are you fucking kidding me? We're in constant crisis.
It's been a cold war since we started the trip, but make no mistake, Rome is definitely burning, baby doll, and the match that lit it is that other guy's dick.
You wanna have this conversation now? Hey, relationships are hard, right? And you and I are basically You know, look, it's like this hike.
You know, there's some nice, flat stretches, and then some fucking climbs, and at the end of the climb, you're still panting.
Well, I'm still panting after our emotional climb.
And I was also bitten by a snake.
When? Whe it's a metaphor.
The snake being that I know you had lunch with Braylen.
- What? - I'm sorry.
It's hard to break the habit of going through your phone, but it was four months without me checking it, and this trip has just been one trigger after another.
And your passcode is so easy: 6969, you little freak.
And so in I went, and I saw that you were making lunch plans with Braylen.
Are you fucking serious? So you mean to say that you did not make lunch plans with Braylen? You did not make a date to shit on my heart over avocado toast and wedge salads? I mean to say that his mother's sick and we discussed it, and I decided to do what's best for our relationship and not go.
Oh, what a comfort! What a comfort.
So you you you decided to not fully poison our relationship and instead just lightly sprinkle arsenic all over it? Thank you so much.
How long do I have to pay for my mistake? I thought you paid in full.
It seemed like you did.
But now, you are on a layaway plan again for sure.
You know what? [CHUCKLES WRYLY.]
I'm not in the mood for a WUWU.
A what? A WUWU.
A W-U-W-U: "What's Up With Us.
" I asked you a question.
How long do I have to pay? I don't know.
How long did it take you to pay off those rooms at the Ace Hotel? George, no.
Him being a very stylish and markedly younger man, was it important to his hipsterdom to fuck in a hotel that embodied his very nature? Could he not get off without a needlepoint of a badger and a vintage mirror in the room? I'm not doing this.
I came on this trip for you.
- And I know that.
- I'm here for you.
Oh, God, so lovely of you to be there for me.
I am so grateful for that.
And deep down inside myself, I will treasure this gesture till the day I fucking die, but I guess it kind of sucks for me when I'm on this trip and I look at these other couples, and they have not fucking cheated on each other, and they don't even have [MOCKINGLY.]
a Braylen.
These couples? They despise each other.
Have you not seen them? Please, can we save this for Dr.
Schildkraut? I have things that I want to say, and I save them.
I lock them up.
I don't yell them the minute that they come to me.
Oh, congrats, Hillary Clinton! Nice poker face! [SIGHS.]
Got it? Everyone probably expects me to give you a list of items, but honestly, I don't care.
I carefully grocery shopped, and an animal ate those shoppings.
And nobody would have appreciated my Meyer lemon chicken and couscous anyway, so just buy whatever you like.
But didn't you have a vision for tonight's dinner? Whatever I pick is gonna be hotly contested.
- Let's skip it.
- I'll just buy a bunch of ground chuck and make my patented jumbo sliders then.
I guess I'll make my famous rolls.
Since when are your rolls famous, Carleen? I've never even heard you say the word "roll" until just now.
You know, if you're gonna do that, though, could you also do other carbs as well, like new potatoes, sweet potatoes, potato chips? What is wrong with me? Why do I have to make it so easy for everyone? - I'll get dessert, I guess.
- Does anyone have - a slice of paper? - Yes.
I have a Moleskine in the glove compartment.
I find it a great place to jot down idle thoughts in traffic.
Nobody needs to hear your poetry, Walt.
Mother's Day is more than enough.
You know what, Carleen? Why don't you do dessert? Carbs is kind of a big job.
I thought you liked my poems.
Whoa, you're really going for blood today, Katty.
Wait, so was I demoted? Well, you weren't promoted.
Let's put it that way.
Come on, guys, let's get this moving.
You think that bar is walking distance from here? I have an idea.
Maybe we can all do a quick visualization exercise in which we successfully picture retrieving our items.
[SIGHS.]
'Sup? Okay, thanks, man.
- Did they let you go poop? - Uh, no.
They don't consider a tank top a shirt.
But I swiped you something.
Sweets for my sweet.
What is this? It's a Ring Pop.
Now you have many rings from me.
Did you steal it? Yes, I did.
Do you see that guy in there? He probably makes, like, $2 an hour, and you just stole on his watch.
Well, you stole these tiny pants for me.
I only steal from businesses that overcharge.
I only steal from assholes.
Okay, just just unwrap it, okay? It's delicious.
Lick it.
It's just, how do I really know it's for me? I mean, you got it for me, you gave it to me, but you could take it back at any moment.
Why would I lick it if it's not really mine? [SIGHS.]
I mean, I just can't believe you would be that emotionally irresponsible.
You wanna talk responsibility? This morning, when you were with Orvis, you asked him if he was "down to fucking clown.
" He's, like, six.
Six year olds love curse words.
Curse words are crack for children.
"Pussy," "asshole," "fuck," "titties.
" They love it.
Look, look, we can't do this, all right? We gotta settle.
If we go back to the camp and we're fighting, too, it's gonna be pandemonium.
What do you say we just smoke some weed? You have weed? Yeah, I brought my vape.
Okay.
I feel safe now.
Could I get a sample of that lean-ground sirloin? I'm gonna need to do a taste test.
Raw is fine.
You know what? Just put it right in my mouth.
Oh, Orvis, you're not allowed to drink the Never mind.
Excuse me, sir? Can you direct me to the nonpareils? The what? The nonpareils.
Huh? A decorative confectionary made of tiny, sugary balls? Did you try the beef jerky aisle? That's the first place I looked.
I like pickles and pickles like me [SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, thank God! Walter.
Hey, Carleen.
Fancy meeting you here.
[SIGHS.]
I can't find any nonpareils, and I worry that my dessert choices won't be up to snuff.
You know what? This is my birthday, so I will be the judge of whether the desserts are up to snuff.
[SIGHS.]
But, Walter, it's not your opinion that I worry about.
I think we both know what I mean.
I think we both do.
You know, I am not one to get angry.
No, of course not.
You're so even-tempered.
Mom said I was like a spaniel: always ready for a walk, a nap, or a snack.
Steady.
Steady.
[EXHALING.]
Oh, but right now, I don't feel so steady.
I feel really unsteady, actually.
I have this feeling in my throat that scares me.
Is this what rage tastes like? Excuse me.
This isn't social hour.
We'll talk later.
Let's let's move it along.
Oh, I was just here for, um, cat food.
Walt, are those all pickles? Yeah, I wanted to make sure that George, Miguel, and I had a jar each.
Are we gonna have a meal of pickles? Well, I'm not done, Kathryn.
Honestly, just look in your cart and imagine how you'd react if you were me.
- [SIGHS.]
- I can't.
What? I can't imagine how I'd react.
It is beyond my imagination what you think.
I just want pickles.
I'll pay for the pickles.
[WHISPERING.]
These are my fucking pickles.
Walt! Walter! Oh, good.
We can get a drink.
Well, they probably won't open for, like, maybe another five hours.
Let's see about that.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
Hey.
Hey.
What's up with this cute place? Uh, we're open at 2:00.
Wouldn't it be so much more fun if you were open, like, right now? [GIGGLES.]
Mm.
What do you think Mojo's doing right now? He's a cat.
He's probably sleeping.
But what if he's not? What if he's started a revolution in the neighborhood? You never know.
You really don't, you know? He might have gathered all the cats, and they're rising up to take Silver Lake back from the oppressive human regime.
Do you want a blow job? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
A blow job from a pretty lady in a barn? You're on.
But this isn't a peace offering beej, right? I don't want your pity suck.
So you're turning down a blow job? Even if it's for a little while? I don't know if it's gonna be a little while.
It's probably gonna just take a minute.
Even better.
[EXHALES.]
I keep forgetting that I'm mad at you.
But I am mad at you.
- All right? - [ZIPPER UNZIPS.]
Very mad.
I mean, fuck Braylen.
- And fuck you oh.
- [SLURPS.]
- Joe.
- Jesus! Carleen, what? You startle so easily lately.
It must be a post-acute-withdrawal symptom.
You mind not nursing me to death? I'm trying to nurse you to life.
But if you would rather Jandice do the job, she can.
What are you talking about? I know you rubbed against her in the night.
I heard all about it.
From who? All right, Kathryn? She's on Adderall.
You can't trust a thing she says.
[SIGHS.]
I can tolerate a whole lot, Joe.
I can take whatever is thrown at me.
But don't make a fool out of me, okay? Don't make me the fool.
Yeah, I'm not I'm not doing that.
All right? I would never do that to you.
Then what were you doing with her in the night? We were j we were talking, all right? We were kicking around business ideas.
I'm not cheating on you.
Was it a business idea for a kissing machine? [SIGHS.]
Car you know what, Carleen? Can you just back the fuck off, all right? [STAMMERS.]
I don't know what was going on, all right? I was drunk, so You're always drunk.
[RETCHES, COUGHS.]
How come every time I see you, you're having, like, some insane puke-athon? [GROANS SOFTLY.]
[RETCHES.]
You okay? [SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
Sophia, you have to try belly dancing.
It is literally the only palatable form of exercise.
Hey, excuse me, Jandice, but seriously, I-I think we need to talk about this more.
Are you serious? You wanna go home? Okay, just let me finish with Jeffrey's Long Island iced tea.
Here you go, sir.
Enjoy.
[SIGHS HAPPILY.]
You guys just make me feel so relaxed.
[LAUGHING.]
But I also wanna drive in a convertible and just let my hair down.
[LAUGHING.]
This guy.
The fuck do you want? I'm trying to serve people.
[GROANS LOUDLY.]
What the fuck? Oh.
Oh, I should probably tell you I don't really work here.
[BOTH SIGH.]
[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS.]
I'm not having a great time.
Okay, uh what do you wanna do, baby-baby? [SIGHS.]
[QUIETLY.]
Shit.
Are you going off me? - A little bit.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just please don't.
Please.
Okay, I'm sorry.
How much are you going off me? Um like, 80%? [WHIMPERS.]
Shit.
[CRYING.]
Shit, I wasn't mentally prepared for you to say anything above 75.
Shit, ah, no I don't [CRIES.]
I cannot go through this again.
Please, Jandie.
I cannot do this again.
Okay, I'm sorry, but I just wanted a fun little jaunt.
This is a lot, man.
First we get engaged, then we don't get engaged, and right before that, I knocked over the kid and everybody was a cunt to me.
- [WHIMPERING.]
Yeah.
- You should've told me everyone was gonna be cunts to me.
Do they not even get that I'm a girls' girl? I know, I know.
I know.
I should've been more honest.
I should've I should've told I know.
I'm so sorry.
Please.
[SIGHS.]
I'm not having any fun.
I think I should go back to LA.
No, don't.
Please don't go back to LA.
- LA sucks.
- This trip sucks.
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck, can we just Can we just do a little bit of something to chill the fuck out? 'Cause I'm just going to fuck Oh! Oh, my God, I have coke.
Yes.
Okay, I is that good? Super chill.
[JANDICE SNIFFING.]
Oh! [INHALES.]
I really, really love drugs.
[SNIFFS.]
I mean, not in a creepy way.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- I really love you, baby.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I wanna snort this off your cock.
- Okay? - Oh, Jesus.
I'm gonna tip this on your cock and then open up my compact My mirror And crush it like a waffle iron.
[SPLUTTERS.]
What? A a are you? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah, just just don't lead me on, baby.
Let's get some coke on your cock.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, w why are we doing this again? It absorbs better up into the dick skin.
I've done it with a ton of guys.
It's kosher.
Just please, don't stop loving me, baby.
Yeah, okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [EXHALES.]
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[YELPS.]
Sol? Hey, you seen a pissed off teenager? No? Okay.
Solomon! Solomon Jericha! Hey! You left your cart in the middle of the aisle.
Now, do you want all of this fluffed marshmallow, or are you just being a dick? - Later.
- Later.
- Can you put that back for me? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Sol.
What the fuck? Your attitude is "Shitty Shitty Bang Bang" right now.
- Fuck off.
- Don't talk to me like that! Why? You talk to your girlfriend like that all the time.
You talk to her like she's garbage.
Just break up with her already.
That's great advice.
What are you, about to start menstruating? Uh, I've had my period for two years.
Well, shit.
You know, they don't make a manual for this shit, Sol, but I'm doing my best, okay? You are such a joke.
You think you're cool because you were in a band for 11 seconds in 1942.
Yeah, we were almost signed to Matador, so Nobody cares.
I get that you met the Goo Goo Dolls, - but nobody cares.
- Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
The Goo Goo Dolls met me.
Huh? They were excited to meet me.
You're so full of shit anyways.
Carleen drives you crazy too.
Now you're acting all Women's March-y about her.
Yeah, Dad, maybe I am.
It's the fucking female future, so fucking get fucking used to it.
[DOOR SLAMS OPEN.]
[EXHALES.]
Sorry that took me so long.
I was emotionally conflicted.
Did we fix it yet? Well the blow job certainly helped, but we ain't all the way there.
[LAUGHS.]
What can I do? Seriously, what can I do? [GRUNTS.]
I wanna fuck somebody else so that we can be even.
- "Even"? - Mm-hmm.
Is that how you think this works? Yeah, kinda.
[LAUGHS.]
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Why, are you jealous? You don't want me to fuck somebody else? I don't get jealous.
It's not an evolved state.
So you won't mind if I have sex with somebody in our tent tonight? [LAUGHS.]
You're gonna have sex with someone here? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
It's vacation, and that thing is very spacious.
Oh, good luck.
Thanks.
Don't need it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Dick made of gold.
All right.
Well, that took longer than I would've liked, but you all did okay.
Although, Carleen, I have zero idea what you think we're gonna do with this vat of rainbow sprinkles.
- [SNICKERS.]
- I like rainbow sprinkles, - Aunt Carleen.
- [EXHALES.]
Thank you, Orvis.
Please excuse me.
I need to brush my teeth badly.
- Well, you know where to go.
- And maybe while I am gone brushing these teeth, you could take a moment to consider speaking to Walt and myself in a more respectful tone.
Jesus.
What's gotten into her? Well, first of all, you told her that I was hanging out with Jandice last night, which was totally innocent, by the way.
I saw a nuzzle I did not care for.
I didn't nuzzle shit.
If I hear the word "nuzzle" one more time, I'm going to kill myself.
She was mad at you, Kathryn, all right? - Not me.
- Mad at me? You're the one who treats her like she's your nanny.
If she's mad at anyone, it's you.
Oh, yeah, and years of verbal and emotional abuse from you doesn't add up, huh? - She's mad about that.
- Joe, you're working nerves - I do not presently have.
- She is mad at everybody.
She has been waiting a long time to feel this and to let this out and to finally express the pain and the humiliation.
Now she's just mad.
You can't fix it, Kathryn.
You can't change it.
Sometimes, someone is just so fucking mad, and they're saving it, and they're saving it, saving it, and they just They can't save it anymore.
[IMITATES FIZZLING.]
Can we go back to camp and have lunch like civilized people? Should we do that? Because it is my birthday today, and that is one of my wishes.
[TENSE ROCK MUSIC.]
["WASH MY HANDS SHORTY" BY THE I.
L.
Y.
'S.]
Reconciled with accuracy In agreement with menstruation Erectiled being of hits Simpleton, simpleton The horror of my clothes is Standing up The face on this body is Going far So be it if your character Actually sucks My secret doesn't have the wholesome stuff Wash my hands, shorty.
The horror of my clothes is Standing up The face on this body is Going far So be it if your character Actually sucks My secret doesn't have the wholesome stuff Wash my hands, shorty.