Carol's Second Act (2019) s01e15 Episode Script

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1 Would you rather have two noses or a third arm on your back? - Oh, God.
- Do both noses work? Yeah.
Identical noses.
Full-size arm or baby arm? What use would a baby arm on your back be? You're doctors.
Hey, Carol, would you rather listen to Lexie and Caleb play "would you rather" or waterslide into a wood chipper? Oh, wood chipper.
Guys, I have great news.
Eddie is number two on the wait list for his new liver.
Oh, that's great.
I love Eddie.
The man stole my heart.
He probably should've stolen my liver.
So I have this great thing planned for when I get to tell Eddie the good news.
I brought a homemade banner, a homemade card and I baked a liver-shaped cake.
But the best gift of all is that Eddie has a meeting with his transplant surgeon.
He's taking over as primary.
- It's Dr.
Lewis, right? - Yeah.
He is the best transplant surgeon on the West Coast.
- That man's a legend.
- Ugh.
If you're so in love with surgeons, go sit with the surgery interns.
He'd never fit in.
That's the cool kids table.
Yo, I'm cool.
I just don't feel like talking to them.
Totally could, though.
I just don't feel like it.
Guys, come on.
It's not nice to stereotype people.
No, but it does save a lot of time.
Plus, it's not all negative stereotyping.
The OB-GYN crew is badass.
They look like they're smoking, but they're not smoking.
I guess I do have my own stereotypes.
The morgue interns kind of creep me out.
I mean, I get it.
You're around dead bodies all day.
But that doesn't mean you can't wear a pop of color.
The nurses are the ones to watch out for.
They're powerful and they know it.
Okay, so, if we're not jocks or goths or badasses, what are we? Nerds.
You're nerds.
I'm nervous about meeting my surgeon.
Do I look all right? Should I look sicker? Don't be nervous.
Lewis has an excellent reputation.
As long as he doesn't stick a kidney in my liver hole, - I'll be good.
- Okay.
Lewis, it's really exciting meeting you.
I'm Dr.
Kenney, and this, of course, is the man of the hour, Eddie Ryan.
So, welcome to Team Eddie.
Eddie likes long walks on the beach and having a functioning liver, So you guys are gonna get along great.
He has a mild leukocytosis.
Monitor that.
Yes, I know.
Actually, I was gonna tell you all about it just as soon as you made eye contact.
Ryan, you just got bumped up to number one on the transplant list.
The next available liver will be yours.
Th-That's amazing.
- Yeah.
- Carol, isn't that amazing? This is the news we've been waiting for.
It's amazing news.
The kind of news one might make a big deal out of telling someone.
One second, Eddie.
Kind of thought there'd be a cake.
Lewis? Yes? Um, I just wanted to make sure that you were finished with the patient.
I thought I indicated that when I left the room.
Okay, but - What is it, Doctor? - Uh, it's just, I would've appreciated a heads-up about Eddie getting to the top of the transplant list.
I have a liver cake for him.
I generally don't withhold vital medical information - until a cake can be wheeled in.
- Oh I-I don't think you understand.
The cake is delivering the information.
As I walk away this time, I hope you understand that our interaction is over.
- Can you believe that guy? - Yeah.
Now, if I were an uneaten slice of liver cake, where might I be? Doctors' lounge.
Thank you.
Huge news.
I ran here as fast as I could to tell you.
Oh, you won't believe this.
It's amazing.
You finally got a haircut that doesn't upset you? No.
That can't be it.
Get ready to have your ears blasted.
Jacobs has a tattoo.
- A tattoo? - Dr.
Jacobs? That's not even the best part.
Her very secret tattoo is a duck.
- A duck? - A duck.
Like, a cartoon duck? Like, a quack, quack duck.
- A mallard duck? - Like, a straight-up mallard duck! Whoa.
That is weird.
A-And I don't say that with judgment.
I say that as a person who is objectively considered quite weird.
Why would Dr.
Jacobs get a tattoo of a duck? I have no idea.
A roaring lion on your chest, that I get.
A duck is just bizarre.
This is huge news.
We know almost nothing about Dr.
Yeah, she's an enigma.
We've worked with her for months and all we know about her is that she lives in the United States.
What could the duck possibly mean? Oh, I'm gonna make it my life's mission to find out.
This is too good.
What's too good? Three-cheese pizza.
You know, two-cheese is fine, then they throw in that third and it's just too good.
Let's move.
Eddie, I'm a little concerned.
You're still running a low-grade fever, and your white cell count is a little higher than I'm comfortable with.
Oh, no.
Do you think I have to go to the hospital? Dr.
Kenney, why'd you page me? I'm treating Eddie for a UTI Well, this could jeopardize his recipient status.
- Yes, I know.
That's why I - Why am I only hearing about this now? Well, so far, it's been resistant to the usual antibiotics.
That's why I paged you.
Then why don't we look for some antibiotics that it won't be resistant to? Or hadn't that occurred to you? Actually, it had, and I've already begun researching This is why I don't want an intern in charge of my patient.
I'm sorry, "your patient"? You're an intern? Patient presents with abdominal pain, dizziness and shortness of breath.
I'm such a klutz.
I was trimming my fig tree, and I fell off my ladder.
Bonked my head on a tree branch.
Oh, no.
I bet you wish you would've ducked.
We should run a concussion protocol.
Yeah, my wife's always telling me to slow down, but I didn't want to miss the game.
Oh, there was a game on? Was it hockey? I just love the Anaheim Ducks.
I don't see how that's relevant.
Uh, no, I was trying to get to my son Owen's basketball game.
When I was a kid, I loved playing Duck, Duck, Goose.
Did any of you enjoy playing Duck, Duck, Goose? Why do they call it Duck, Duck, Goose? Ducks can chase each other.
They should call it Duck, Duck, Duck.
Maybe I did hit my head too hard.
I'm suddenly hearing the word "duck" a lot.
We'll order a CT to make sure nothing else is going on, Mr.
But I'm sure you'll be home in no time.
Let's move.
What is the matter with you people? You're all acting very weird.
Even more than usual.
I'm fine.
One might even say I'm ducky.
Just order the CT.
I thought we were pretty subtle.
Hey, good news, Dr.
I think I've found the perfect treatment for Eddie's infection: cefiderocol.
That's cutting-edge medicine, Dr.
Thank you.
I'm glad you think so.
I'll write the order.
Oh, you'll need to get Dr.
Lewis's approval first.
I once didn't consult with him about a procedure, and he put it in his Christmas card.
Christmas cards aren't for pettiness.
They're for lying about your children's accomplishments.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Well, Dennis, we have a plan.
I'll get the approval of Dr.
Lewis, and show him that I am more than just an intern.
And if he happens to acknowledge that I'm a pretty good doctor, - well, I won't be mad at that.
- Mm.
Well, he's scheduled to cut out someone's liver in ten minutes.
Can you wait seven hours to get your mild apology? No, I can't.
Lewis? Can you take those off? Oh, sorry.
Uh Dr.
Kenney, what is happening here? I'm minutes away from performing a partial hepatectomy.
Yeah, yeah.
I-I just need you to sign off on a treatment for Eddie.
I believe I have found the perfect antibiotic.
Just blink once if this pleases you.
That should work.
It's a pretty good idea, right? Especially for an intern.
People are talking.
I believe the phrase "cutting-edge" was used.
It's a lot of buzz.
- Buzz.
- Mm-hmm.
For an antibiotic that you haven't administered yet? I know.
It's crazy, but it's true.
So Yeah.
I'm sorry.
D-Do you expect praise for doing your job correctly? Yes, thank you.
A note for the future.
Yanking things out of my ears before surgery is not the way to get me to compliment you.
Well, actually, it's not about the recognition.
This is a positive development for Eddie, and frankly, you just don't seem interested.
No, I am not interested.
I am irritated.
You have interrupted my scrub-in, you're emotional, you took my earbuds out and your tiny hands are freezing.
I've got it.
The duck represents her need to always keep swimming through life's many challenges.
Or she grew up near a pond.
You're sure the tattoo wasn't Donald Duck? Oh, right, I guess I was just confused the first four times you asked me.
It was just a stupid, boring duck.
Was it Daffy Duck? I'm gonna kill you.
Lewis is the worst.
I mean, "emotional"? I'm as cool as a cucumber.
And by the way, having emotions makes me a better doctor.
I'm sorry I'm not a block of soap.
- A what? - I don't know! I'm emotional! Dr.
Kenney, can I speak with you? I'm afraid that Dr.
Lewis has requested that you be removed from Eddie's case.
What the bleep?! Uh, did you just bleep yourself? Yeah, 'cause what I was thinking really needed to be censored.
Try me.
- Carol, "heck" is not a bad word.
- Well How dare he try and take Eddie away from me.
I have been by Eddie's side since day one.
He's my patient.
Kenney, I'm gonna confide in you.
When it comes to Dr.
Lewis, he's not my favorite person in the hospital.
Frost, I have never heard you speak so harshly.
Well, he's always rubbed me the wrong way.
I find him to be rude and self-absorbed.
I'm pretty sure he cut me off in the parking lot, and he did not even have the human decency to give me the little sorry wave.
- No sorry wave? - No.
Monstrous! I'll bet he doesn't recycle.
I'll bet he throws his cans straight into the ocean.
And yet, everyone in this hospital is convinced he's some kind of genius.
Let me tell you something.
You want to keep a secret from a surgeon, all you have to do is put it in a book.
'Cause they don't read.
Ha-ha! You know what, Dr.
Kenney? I'm not taking you off Eddie's case.
I think Dr.
Lewis could learn a thing or two about patient care from you.
And a thing or two about being charming from a rock.
Frost, I've never seen this side of you.
And I love it.
Well, call me "Tabby", - 'cause I can get pretty catty.
- Ooh.
Lewis, you have some kind of nerve trying to Holy cow.
Is this the surgeons' lounge? Oh, my God.
It is so nice in here.
Is this cashmere? All we have is a sleeping bag called "the rash".
Kenney, not now.
I'm not in the mood.
My partial hepatectomy did not go as smoothly as hoped.
We had to take out a lot more tissue than expected.
I'm concerned about his recovery.
So you do care about your patients.
Well, of course I care about my patients.
The whole reason I became a doctor was to save lives.
Well, where was this guy with Eddie? Or in the parking lot yesterday.
You drive a red Mercedes, right? Dr.
Kenney, I'm a surgeon, of course I drive a red Mercedes.
I also cut people open and replace their parts.
And if I do it well, they live.
And if I don't, they die.
You know, I really care about Eddie, so how often would you say you do it well? I can tell that you care about him.
And that's actually why I wanted you off his case.
I can't afford to get emotional, because it could distract me during surgery.
And if I make a mistake, that's it.
So it's not that I don't care about my patients, it's just I don't have that luxury.
I'm sorry, it seems I've misjudged you.
In my defense, I was just going off your appearance and behavior.
I know, I can be a little brusque.
So, as a token of my apology, please take this.
I don't know if it's cashmere, but I do know that it's disease-free.
Thank you.
Anything else? Yes.
Good catch with the cefiderocol.
You're a pretty good doctor.
Thank you, but I was angling for the charcuterie tray.
Gilani, thank you for meeting me.
I need your professional opinion.
Can you take a look at this mole? Mole? Right.
Um It does look a bit raised.
Might be worth getting removed, but I'm sure it's nothing.
Thank you for your professional opinion, Dr.
Ah, craziest thing.
I just happened to notice just this second that you have a tattoo of a duck.
Yes, I do.
Not many people know about that.
May I ask why you chose that particular tattoo? It's a fairly interesting story, actually.
Would you like to hear it? Uh, sure, I guess.
It all started back in Athens, 2004.
I'd just blown out my knee in the women's heptathlon.
My Olympic career was over, and I was devastated.
Until I was discovered by the IMG modeling agency on the streets of Milan.
I wouldn't say I detonated the bomb, but I would say I played a crucial role in why the bomb was detonated.
But then Oprah ultimately chose Gayle! So I slapped the sultan and dove off the yacht, and realized in that moment I wanted to become a doctor.
The name of the yacht: Water Off a Duck's Back.
And that's why I have a tattoo of a duck.
That is the most incredible story I've ever heard in my life.
It's too bad you can't tell anyone about it.
Why not? Because our conversation stemmed from a medical examination.
That means everything I just told you falls under doctor/patient confidentiality.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Dr.
But it's so good! How much do I even really like being a doctor? Dennis, do my hands feel cold? Oh, only for an alive person.
But look who's here.
I should probably contact the EPA and issue a smug alert.
Actually, Dennis, I'm not mad at him anymore.
Well, when were you gonna let me know? I spent my whole lunch break working on stuff, Carol.
- I have a lot of good rejoinders.
- Okay.
Look, I'm sure you'll get mad at someone else soon.
Yeah, that's probably true.
What's going on? You're sort of smiling.
Should I run a stroke protocol? I'm almost smiling because I just got some good news.
Eddie's liver is on its way.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Oh, he must have been so excited; what did he say? Actually, I haven't told him yet.
I thought maybe you'd like to give him the good news.
Lewis, thank you so much.
Well, I figured you probably had a liver piñata hidden in your locker.
That's presumptuous.
It's in the trunk of my car.
I knew it.
So what was the blowhard going on about this time? He wins one New Yorker cartoon caption contest and you'd think he'd stormed the beach at Normandy.
You know what, Dr.
Frost? Maybe he's not so bad after all.
Another one seduced by his siren song.
Stuck between Scylla and Charybdis, am I right? No one knows what you're talking about.
Well, why would somebody get a tattoo of a duck? I mean, they can both swim and fly.
- We know, Carol, it means nothing.
- Okay.
I would literally write a check for $10,000 to know.
I can't do this anymore.
Guys, I I want to know, too.
You're the last person she'd tell.
You know, because of your big mouth.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you guys see that? See what? I believe the sophisticated way to put it is, Carol likes a boy-oy Carol's in lo-ove You, like, totally want to have all his babies.
Except it's probably too late for that.
Okay, you guys are ridiculous.
I don't Oh, my God, I like a boy.
Oh Mmm, my liver is delicious.
Well, enjoy it.
It's the last thing you can eat before surgery.
Eddie, would you rather have two noses or a third arm on your back? Is it a baby arm? Why does everyone think it's a baby arm? Okay, how about this? Would you rather meet an alien or know the taste of human flesh? Okay, this game is over.
- Thank you, it's over.
- Oh!
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