Carter (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Koji the Killer

1 (MALE ANNOUNCER): Welcome back to Hollywood Plus.
We have a huge exclusive for you tonight.
Harley Carter, star of TV's number one detective drama Call Carter, and his wife, actress and supermodel Winter Wood, have been the faces of happily-ever-after here in Tinseltown for almost five years, until right here in Malibu, Harley went after Steven Gattner, his long-time friend and co-star, in what can only be called a red carpet bloodbath.
Steve! Come here.
Hey, come here.
Steve, come here.
Why are you running? First, you sleep with my wife? And then you come to my wrap party? (GRUNTING) You slept with my wife! I didn't touch Winter! Does this Malibu meltdown signal the end of Harley-wood? HARLEY: I saw you! You were naked! STEVE: I didn't touch her! Yes, you did! I saw your penis! (PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Who? Vijay Gill? I didn't even know I had a junior agent.
Well, I'm at the beach.
Oh, Beverly Hills, 10:00 a.
? Yeah, I'm not going to be able to make that.
See, I'm at the beach in Canada.
Okay, you know what, let me talk to Rhonda.
Yeah, well, tell her I don't want to talk to her either.
MAN: The question on everyone's mind: What's the next move for Harley Carter? HARLEY: I saw your penis! MAN: Stay tuned.
(GRUNTING) (THEME MUSIC) Duck, one, two.
Hands up.
Duck, one, two.
Hands up.
Nice, crisp punches, give me six.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Let's go.
Empty the gas tank.
Here we go.
Let's go.
WOMAN: Sam! (GRUNTING) We're done.
We're done.
I don't understand why you spend so much time here.
I can't understand why you don't.
That's why we carry this.
You missed the morning briefing again.
Family drama.
Speaking of, Chief wants you at Beach Four.
For family drama? There's been a Harley Carter sighting.
Harley Carter's at the beach? Wait.
Harley Carter's in town? Yeah, I assumed you'd already know that.
One more round.
Oh, my God, you're him.
Aren't you? If by "Him", you mean me, then yes, I am him.
Hey, everybody, it's Charlie Carter! Come on.
It's actually Charlie Carter is the character I play.
I'm Harley Carter.
You're a lot taller on TV.
Yeah, well, I lose a couple feet when I'm sitting down.
At least I have a couple feet to lose.
Why don't you stand up then so I can knock you down? Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't fight hobbits, okay? They're notorious nut punchers.
Did you actually just call me a hobbit? (GASPING) I am so sorry.
I always miss on the first take.
It's just lemonade.
Yeah, it's just stinging.
Dude, get away from her! (GRUNTING) Hello, Shane.
Is it me? Or is all this just a little déjà vu-y? What do you think my father would say if he found out you pulled a gun on me? He'll ask me why I didn't pull the trigger, save him some college money.
Step away from the movie star.
- TV.
- Oh, I know.
Show's over, everybody.
Sam! Ow! Why didn't you call? I was going to.
But somebody threw my phone in the lake.
Can I give you a ride somewhere, away from your adoring public? Yeah, sure, I'm staying at the Westin.
Why aren't you staying at your house? Well, I didn't want the Yasudas to think I was kicking them out.
My God, you're afraid of your own housekeepers.
Um, everyone's afraid of my housekeepers.
all right, come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
(GRUNTING) - Need a hand with that? - Nah, I got it.
- You sure? - Yep.
So, you want to talk about what happened with Winter? You know what I did when I walked in on my wife and that guy? Nothing.
So, I just backed out of the room, sat on my couch for a while and finally got up and went to catch a movie.
America's greatest detective never saw the clues? You know, when I was in high school When we were in high school And I wanted to know if somebody was a good guy or a bad guy, we'd just ask you.
And you were always right, always.
And you missed this? It's Hollywood.
My spidey sense was going off 24/7.
Everyone's faking something.
You just get used to it after a while.
It's really good to see you, Sam.
It's good to see you too.
Call ahead next time.
I would have.
It's just that we haven't really talked that much since that Christmas party at your place.
I got to ask.
Did Did something happen that night? You don't remember? I remember screaming "Hey, mistletoe" and then maybe saying something kind of drunk-y, sleazy.
Wow, it's not like you to forget things.
Vodka is my kryptonite.
I'm a little hurt that you don't remember the rest of that night.
Rest of the night? So, something - did happen? - (PHONE RINGING) Well, nothing memorable, apparently.
Well, Sam, come on.
You can't leave me hanging like This is Detective Shaw.
What's the address? I know where that is.
I'm 15 minutes out.
Where we going? We're not going anywhere.
I'm going to work.
But I'll have somebody give you a lift from there.
Hey, is there going to be press at this crime scene? 'Cause I got some lemonade on my shorts.
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, stay in the car.
I've seen my share of crime scenes.
Harley, this isn't a set.
Stay in the car.
And be quiet.
You got here fast.
Yeah, I was in the neighbourhood when the call came in.
This is the Childress house, right? Victim's male, late 50s, early 60s, single gunshot wound to the head.
Poor guy was strapped to a chair.
He never stood a chance.
Was it Childress? Yeah, his daughter Abigail called it in.
She's not saying much yet.
She took a knock to the head.
- Home invasion? - Robbery, looks like a safe's been cleaned out.
Daughter confirmed it contained cash, some high-end jewellery, apparently.
- (DOOR CLOSING) - (SIGHING) Oh, Sam, is this a thing up here now? Decorating your yard with tiny, little hate crimes? You can't just wander onto a crime scene.
You think I want to be here? I'd way rather be taking a nap or having one of those little butter tarts from Bronwyn's Bakery.
Tell me Bronwyn's is still open.
Ooh, no, they closed in 2015.
All right, well, nap it is.
Okay, I'm having one of the uniforms take you to the Westin.
Okay, well, is it cool if I leave my rental car at the beach? - You have a rental car? - Yeah.
Why was I driving you? I thought it'd give us a chance to hang.
Oh, my God, I was chauffeuring you.
You know I hate to drive.
Plus: quality time.
Just go.
And I will call you later.
All right, good luck with your crime scene.
(LAUGHING) WOMAN: Hey, Harley, got a second? Get off our property! (GUN FIRING) MAN: Go! Go! Go! Go! WOMAN: She's got a gun! Ah! I made coffee.
Hi, Dot.
It's great to see you guys.
And I super appreciate how you've taken care of the place.
But we really need to dial back the shooting at people.
Harley, you're like a son to us.
(CHOKING) Guys, you know I speak Japanese, right? I'm kidding.
I don't.
Look, if you're worried about the living arrangements, don't be.
I'm only here to get my head on straight.
Hell, you guys have lived here longer than I have.
My house is your house, but not legally your house.
I still own it.
I'll be in my old room in the cabin.
Harley, about that, we have a nephew.
Who's coming to visit soon.
You are famous.
People are crazy.
Okay, you know what, if I smell trouble, I'll work in the phrase "Blow his head off" into the conversation.
And that'll be your cue to blow his head off.
(SIGHING) Oh, come on in.
Oh, no, they cancelled my show, didn't they? We have a warrant for the arrest of Koji Yasuda.
"Koji"? On what charge? Suspicion of murder.
I'm sorry.
Who is this again? Seriously? This is what we're doing? Look, you're the one who waltzed into my station, expecting preferential treatment because of who you supposedly are.
This is your life? I am so sorry.
Harley, he's not going to talk to you about an open investigation, or anything, apparently.
Where are you going? I want to know why you think Koji had something to do with this.
Aside from the fact that the gun we found at the scene was registered in his name? Ballistics are in.
The bullet that killed Albert Childress matches his gun.
- Someone could have stole it.
- Harley.
No, please, Detective, allow me.
We also have a witness who overheard a verbal altercation between Koji Yasuda and Albert Childress - two days before the murder.
- Koji allegedly (CLEARING THROAT) "Stay away from my family or I'll kill you.
" That's a quote.
What does Koji say? That information is found under none of your damn business.
Sir? (SIGHING) Everyone will know by tomorrow.
Koji confessed, Harl.
He didn't even try to deny it.
(PANTING) That's the victim's daughter.
It's not like it is on TV, is it? Funny, I was just thinking it's exactly like it is in the show.
I mean, I'm sitting here literally thinking she is good.
She's got a real future ahead of her.
Harley, her father is dead.
I know.
Here's the thing.
If I can look at this like it's my TV show, maybe we can figure this out.
Is it that Harley or Charlie Carter talking? Because, either way, it's terrifying.
I need to talk to Koji.
You need to not walk into my workplace and mouth off to my boss.
Sam, this is Koji, okay? The same Koji who gave me the most awkward birds and bees conversation in the history of awkward, when I was 19.
Harley, there are rules.
This is a police station.
I know.
I picked up on that immediately.
Look, Sam, when my mom went When my mom died, my grandparents didn't have the slightest idea what to do with a 12-year-old boy.
It was Dot and Koji who really stepped up.
I owe them.
I love them.
(SIGHING) Damn it.
I know you didn't do this.
I did it.
I killed him.
What? Why? I do not need a reason.
I'm a bad-ass sicko.
So, you knew this guy? I hate him.
Craziness comes over me just thinking about him.
(SPITTING) All right, Koji, so, you killed this guy.
Tell us how it all went down.
It's all a blankness.
Well, tell us what you do remember.
I remember he was there.
Where? There, where he was.
Words were spoken, then - blankness.
- What words, Koji? I don't remember.
The blankness include the words.
Okay, time's up.
I'll be back.
Try and remember that.
He doesn't even know where the murder happened.
I know.
His story is a bucketful of nuts.
But he confessed.
We need to be careful how we move forward.
So, we are moving forward.
(EXHALING) Okay, I think it's time I had a heart-to-heart with Dot.
So, you're saying he did do it? Koji went out and shot that guy? I didn't say that.
You didn't say he didn't.
- Yes.
- Yes what? Yes, I didn't say he did or didn't.
What is your problem? Dot, this is your husband we're talking about.
I know Koji is.
Dot, you got to tell me what you know.
The real killer is still out there.
What if they kill someone else? The police are probably not even looking for other suspects.
(SIGHING) Someone other than Koji should be sitting in that cell.
And I need your help to put them there.
All right, you know what, you play your game.
I'll play mine.
On a completely separate note, I found these Chucks in my room, along with a lot of underwear.
Please don't buy me underwear, okay, Dot? That's, like, a personal shopping experience and not your responsibility.
But I am going to keep the Chucks because they're sweet.
I wasn't looking for trouble Usually, we just rent cars.
Yeah, well, today, I'm renting you with the car.
So, why are we going to the morgue? We are going to the morgue because it's the first thing you do in a case like this.
I'm going to ask the medical examiner if there are any irregularities.
And he or she is going to say "Oh, there's this one thing.
" The next thing you know, I'm solving the case and having pretend sex with Lucy Liu.
"Lucy Liu", huh? Best pretend sex I ever had.
I thought you wanted to see a dead body.
Well, yeah, but not just some random one.
Isn't this research for your show? - What body did you want to see? - Albert Childress.
Heck no, that body is part of an ongoing investigation.
I can't just show it to you.
I got a roofer who fell off a barn.
I could show you him.
Why would I want to see a dead roofer? No, I just want to know if there were any irregularities in the Childress corpse.
All irregularities go in my report.
Well, any irregularities that didn't go in your report? Like, uhh, weird tattoos or butterfly cocoon in the mouth? Seriously? Hey! People can't just walk in off the street to gawk at corpses.
Sorry, Sam.
I knew he was a friend of yours.
And he said he was working with you.
It won't happen again.
It's okay.
My car's parked in the back.
He was never here.
I owe you a drink.
Friday night, you can explain to me what just happened.
So, no irregularities? What? Well, this is the part where you're supposed to say "It's probably nothing but.
" Well Really? It's not nothing.
It's pretty significant.
And it's in my report, of course.
But it is unusual.
I'll be the judge of that.
Actually, I'll be the judge of that.
We'll be co-judges.
It's the victim's wrists.
Did anyone else just hear the dramatic music? What about his wrists? There were ligature marks, but no abrasions, nothing to indicate a struggle.
Well, he had a gun pointed at him.
True, but it's human nature to test the bonds, to see if there's any wiggle room.
Are you suggesting that that actually means something to you? No, but aren't you happy I paused at the door? I rented Kyle for the whole day.
I sent Kyle home.
Kyle was never here.
You were never here, unless you want to start sharing a cell with your housekeeper.
On what charge? You told her you were working with the police.
Koji didn't kill anyone.
You heard that thing about the victim's wrists.
He did not put up a struggle.
So, unless he wanted to die, there's some whole other game being played here.
Are you having a nervous breakdown? Is that what this is? Because I would get it, you know, you screw up your job I have not screwed up my job.
The studio's bluffing.
Jimmy Smits? He's, like, 80.
Please tell you are the guy who murdered the other guy.
- What? - Because if you killed him, then I can get the hell out of here.
- Oh, okay, back to L.
? - First plane.
Okay, I'm that guy.
I killed whoever it is you're talking about.
Junior Agent Vijay Gill, we meet at last.
Would it be weird of me to ask what the hell you're doing in my kitchen? You've been ignoring calls from the studio and the agency.
People are concerned.
I have been tasked with bringing you back home.
- I am home.
- No, your other home, your work home.
I'm kind of in the middle of something here.
Carter, wait.
Look, I know this is going to sound extreme.
But I literally can't go back to Los Angeles without you.
Just because these people repped Tom Cruise, does not mean they control the borders.
Go home.
Carter, wait.
Carter! Look, Mr.
Carter, I am a Canadian citizen, okay? They won't renew my work visa unless I get you home with me.
And they will fire you.
I'm on hiatus.
They will fire you and sue you for breach of contract.
Nobody's firing Harley Carter.
You weren't there.
They were extremely vexed.
They will fire you unless you apologize.
(CHUCKLING) They won't.
They will.
- They won't.
- They will.
- They won't.
- They will.
- They won't.
- They will.
Vijay, they won't.
- Mr.
Carter, they will.
- They won't.
- They will.
- They won't.
If I change to "They won't", will you change to "They will"? No, because in this conversation, I'm Bugs Bunny.
And you're Daffy.
I'm always Bugs.
Come on.
Let's go for the record.
- They won't.
- They will.
The record is 55 minutes.
Okay, where did you come from? I was always here.
I let you in.
No, I distinctly remember the lady that let me in didn't have a shotgun.
What are you doing with that thing, Dot? It's a free country.
A free country that frowns upon armed seniors roaming the countryside.
Just don't do anything crazy.
Crazy like a TV detective investigating a non-TV murder? Hmm? Wait.
There was an actual murder? I almost saw the body.
Charlie Carter is involved? The police think my housekeeper killed someone.
And you're sure she didn't? No, not her, her husband, Koji.
Listen, Vijay.
I can't go back to L.
Dot and Koji practically raised me.
And he did not do this.
I'm in a real life Charlie Carter mystery? Nobody is leaving.
Okay, we got to tail your housekeeper now.
I was about to walk straight into crazy town, wasn't I? I'm actually headed that way myself.
You drive.
I can't believe we're tailing a murderer.
She didn't kill anyone.
You said it yourself.
Koji told Childress to stay away from his family.
Even if she didn't pull the trigger, she's neck-deep in this now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, she pulled over.
She pulled over.
What do I do? What do I do? Right, there's a space across the street.
Just Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch out.
What are you doing? Wow, could you be any more conspicuous? - Oh, God.
- I mean, is there a button that will shoot flames out of this thing? I'm nervous! Yeah, well, you shouldn't be 'cause you're doing as terrible a job as you could.
Sorry! Sorry, everyone.
Almost got it, one more.
Go, go, go, in, in, in.
Wow, that was awful.
Do you think she saw us? No, she can't see very well.
That's why she uses the shotgun.
Who's she with? Whoa, the daughter of the dead guy.
Awesome! Okay, what is she doing with the daughter of a man her husband supposedly killed? I got nothing.
Maybe she paid your gun-toting housekeeper to kill her dad.
That's your theory? That my housekeepers are secretly contract killers? What's your theory then? My theory is that your theory is stupid.
Well, on the show, you usually have a theory by now.
So, who's stupid? Yeah, well, on the show, I also have my own trailer and a woman who's only job is to make me spicy tuna sandwiches.
(SIGHING) Now we're just watching two people drink coffee.
You can't read lips, can you? Vijay! She shovels the running zipper.
Bobo, booboo.
You could have just said "No".
I wish we could just do what you do on the show when you get stuck.
What's that? You call up your street-wise pal Davy Leach.
And he points you in the right direction.
Of course, Leach always has his own agenda.
So, there's that.
Vijay, phone.
Who are you calling? Dave Leigh, coffee truck impresario, hey, man, have I told you how much I love the truck? Four times.
So far, it's the only point you've made.
Yeah, this is, uhh, this is super awkward.
I guess we really haven't talked since my writers came up with that new character.
Yeah, your junky, street-wise sidekick? Yeah, not based on you, you know? You're not a junky, anymore, not that you ever were.
You called him "Davy Leach".
Yeah, that was, uhh That was our bad.
Davy Leach, Dave Leigh, that's That's super close.
But by the same token, you know, Charlie Carter, Harley Carter, people are always confusing the two.
By "People", do you mean you? 'Cause that's the word on the street, that you're running around, playing detective.
You and Sam do keep in touch.
What do you want, Harley? Hey, what do you know about this whole Albert Childress murder thingy? Koji didn't kill Albert Childress.
Well, obviously.
So, who did? (GRUNTING) Just give it to me.
You know what, the last time I helped you, I lost a toe.
And I lost my favourite hat, okay? Nut up.
It was Grade Eleven.
All right, I want $20,000.
What? For Davy Leach, four years of Davy Leach, 20 grand.
All right.
Where's Dot? Funny you should ask.
I got someone tailing her as we speak.
Let me see your phone.
Where's your phone? Hey, it's Harley.
What's going on? Seriously? Are you kidding? You're fired.
No, you're not really fired.
I'll talk to you later.
All right, my agent lost her.
In his defence, he's an agent.
And she shot out his tires.
Yeah, that sounds like Dot.
Did you talk to Tetsu? What is a Tetsu? Tetsu, Koji and Dot's nephew who's been living at your house for the last few months.
You didn't know.
I did not know that.
But I suspect I'm wearing his sneakers, not his underwear.
I got to go.
You know what, I'm coming with you.
Hey, man, I really appreciate your help.
And unlike Davy Leach, you do not have an ulterior motive.
I want my 20 grand.
(HORN HONKING) Told you he'd suck you in.
Yeah, but I'm getting 20 grand.
You? All right, enough with the chitty-chatty.
Did you know that Koji had a nephew, - who has been living at my house? - I didn't.
I think the nephew might be mixed up in all this somehow.
Well, I did some checking into Koji's story.
And? And his bowling league said he bowled a 280 on that night.
So, he has an alibi, whether he wants one or not.
So, I brought a peace offering.
Oh, if it wasn't for all the weird tension between us, I'd say this is starting to feel like the old days.
The old days had a lot of weird tension.
(GUN FIRING) All right, stay here.
Hey, hey, do you have a permit for that piece? Do you really want to be having this conversation right now? - Yes, I do.
- All right, go left.
Stay, please.
Hey, we need to talk.
You want to tell me what you were doing in my house? I think someone's after me.
Tetsu and his aunt are protecting me.
Who? Do you know who killed your dad? Did you see someone? No, I don't remember.
I walked in the room.
There was just so much blood.
Okay, it's okay.
You're safe now.
(GUN FIRING) Just stay here.
Get in the car.
What the hell is going on? That was a warning shot.
We just want to talk to him.
Tetsu is here.
But Dot won't let Sam anywhere near him.
Well, Abigail's here too.
- Where? - Out back.
Not anymore, she isn't.
Damn it.
This is your fault.
I was just trying to keep him safe.
From who? There's someone out there.
I didn't get a good look.
I took a shot to scare them off.
But here you come to mess things up.
Abigail and Tetsu are friends.
"Friends" make them sound like they're eight.
The lawn jockey.
The what? Would Albert Childress have been considered a tolerant fellow? No, racist dickhead and proud of it.
Okay, Childress finds out that Tetsu is dating his daughter and, what, threatens the kid? "Stay away from my family.
" That's what Koji was overheard saying.
He was talking about his nephew.
It doesn't mean that the nephew didn't kill the old man.
He takes the old man out of the picture.
And then he runs away with his daughter.
Tetsu didn't hurt anyone.
He was here with me all night.
All right, Tetsu did not kill Childress.
Who the hell did? Probably whoever Dot just scared off.
Who's still out there, right? Those kids are in danger.
- All right, let's go.
- I'm coming too.
- The more eyes, the better.
- On one condition.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I I have a permit for this.
It's just not on me.
As for you, you lock it up until the police get here.
Brenda, we have a situation over at Harley's house.
Send a couple of cars.
What do you guys think? I remember this place.
It's the first place I got drunk.
- Me too.
- Me too.
(CLATTERING) They're inside.
All right, be careful.
(CLATTERING) Police, freeze now! Don't move! The star-crossed lovers.
You're not in this country legally, are you? That's why Dot and Koji have been keeping you off the radar.
He didn't kill my dad.
Sam, can I talk to you for a second? (WHISPERING): What are we going to do? Come on, look at the guy.
It's not Tetsu.
Why do you think that? It's always someone we met earlier, someone who we thought was totally innocent.
And then, in a shocking twist, it's revealed that they're the one who actually did it.
Harley, you do realize that life is not like a TV show, right? A police investigation doesn't just wrap up in a bow in the third act.
Actually, it would be the fifth act.
One-hour crime dramas typically follow a five-act structure, which I can see doesn't interest you in the slightest.
DAVE: Guys? We have a problem.
I've never seen this guy before.
So much for your theory.
All right, take it easy.
Drop the weapon.
Or I'll kill him.
No one needs to get hurt.
(KICKING GUN) Mark? What are you doing? Wait.
You know this guy? Ex-boyfriend? The whiter shade of pale the dad liked better.
Did you kill my dad? That wasn't the plan.
Childress didn't put up a struggle.
So, either he wanted to die or he wasn't expecting it.
You and Childress were in on this together.
What? What are you saying? The old man did not like me much.
But when he caught wind of her new boyfriend, he came to me with a plan to get him out of the picture.
So, you faked a robbery, trying to frame Tetsu.
Why kill Childress? - She came home early! - Daddy? MARK: It felt like the plan was just falling apart.
And I knew your dad was going to throw me under the bus.
So, I Look, I just panicked.
(GUN FIRING) (SCREAMING) A man died because you panicked.
No one liked him anyway.
And it worked, even stealing that gun from your house.
Those people have a lot of guns lying around.
They do have a lot of guns.
Abi, we're leaving.
No, please no.
You're my insurance.
Whoa, whoa, no, no, we're good.
We're good.
My bad, that was dumb.
That was dumb.
Come on! You won't get very far.
These woods are crawling with cops by now.
Is that what you think? Don't move.
I just wanted to apologize for my buddy gunning you.
I said stop.
I'm here to say sorry on behalf of Dave for gunning it earlier.
Don't move! He should not have gunned it like that.
That was very bad.
I will shoot right now, in the face! Sam! (GROANING) I'm so glad you guys picked up on my code! I had to shoot him before he picked up on it.
You're going to be sorry you did that.
You know, there are better distractions than getting shot in the face.
I went with a classic! What if I had missed? Missing is not your thing.
What the hell took you so long? Looks like I missed the fun.
I'll take him down to the station, get started on the paperwork.
Come on.
Where are the rest of the cops? They're en route.
It's just that Mark said something earlier, suggesting that no other cops would be showing up.
Well, he was wrong.
Here I am.
What are you getting at, Harl? Why don't we continue this conversation back at the station? How about we just wait for backup to arrive? This is ridiculous.
We've already got the ex-boyfriend.
Let's just go.
How would you know that? How would you know that he was the ex-boyfriend? Drop the gun, Sam.
Dirty cop, staple of the genre.
What is this about, Brenda? She's got two more.
I'm just cleaning up another one of my little brother's messes.
He's your brother? How did you not know that that was her brother? We're partners, not friends.
All you had to do was let us drive out of here.
We would have disappeared.
But now we have a problem.
You guys were home free.
The cops were looking for Tetsu, not Mark.
So, why would you come after these two, guns blazing? Because Abigail witnessed the murder.
She says now that she didn't see anything.
But that's just the shock talking.
Traumatic events can effect the encoding of memories.
It's called "Psychogenic amnesia".
And it's temporary.
Still got that freaky memory, huh? Looks like mister TV detective isn't just a pretty face.
Let's see if we can do something about that.
The memory stuff was all true.
But mostly, I was just stalling.
Freeze, dirt bag.
(GRUNTING) You're welcome.
Twist ending, called it.
Ah, Dot, we could have gotten those.
You still can.
No, no, no, thank you.
I am not ungrateful, like this guy.
Thank you.
I'm glad you're free, Koji.
And I hope it wasn't too horrible.
The only thing horrible was Koji's mad dog killer performance.
The police did not believe me to be convincing either.
He is a worse actor than you.
Weird time to take a shot at my acting, but whatevs.
And this.
Oh, oh, oh, check it out! "Be the Hero".
Yeah, I may have mentioned to the mayor that thing that my mom used to tell me.
Used to tell us.
"If your life is a story, be the hero.
" - DAVE: Uh-oh.
- What? "Therefore, Mayor Hamilton is offering Harley Carter the position of consulting detective to the Bishop Police Department.
" - What? - What? This is the first I'm hearing of this.
I mean, you can't accept it.
Of course I can't.
Why can't I? How about because it's insane? And Vijay would kill you.
What? Nothing, they're just retelling your whole life story, starting when we were kids.
Our first case.
I don't know where they dig up all this old stuff.
That's ancient history.
Hey, do you guys want to hear something weird? Is it about you two sleeping together at a Christmas party? We didn't.
You just peed in my closet and fell asleep in my mom's bed.
You are so mean! You are so mean! I'm the meanest.
You were saying.
These last few days, you know, despite all the punching, kicking and shooting.
I had so much fun.
Now that's the Harley Carter I remember.
But seriously though, you're not thinking of accepting her offer, right? "Consulting detective"? Come on.
I only play one on TV.
So, you going to stick around? I'm on hiatus.
I'm going to stick around like crazy, maybe get into a little trouble.
Oh, goodie.
I'll get the VIP jail cell all ready for you.
To the best hiatus ever.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
You guys remember Robbie MacDougall from high school? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, his grandma called me.
She has not seen her teeth since Tuesday.
(LAUGHING) Guys, I have a few leads.
- (LAUGHING) - This feels like home This feels like home (SIGHING) This feels like home I've been searching for that something Nothing could ever replace Oh, I will roam Till I can say This feels like home