Casual (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

Carrie

1 VALERIE: Previously on "Casual" - Fuck.
- What do you think? Too much? Uh, just depends on what you were going for.
Also, stoked this worked out, 'cause there's some, like, some real weirdos in the Airbnb community.
Can't be too careful, you know? ALEX: You're gonna run into - I yeah.
[irreverent music] BOTH: Fuck! Do you like this outfit? You look like a kindergarten teacher.
Fuck.
WOMAN: Quarter-life crisis.
Mm.
Midlife crisis.
BYRON: She looks like she's having a midlife crisis, but she's dressed like she's having a quarter-life crisis.
And her boots are new, so that's part of it.
- That's a lot.
Thank you.
BYRON: Mm-hmm.
Laura has decided to stay here with me.
No.
Absolutely not.
Well, just to start, and then eventually I'll move out and try to see the world.
Am I a joke to you? You're my IT guy.
- Oh, come on.
- JUDY: What? You're hot and unserious.
You were my rebound.
Brad Pitt in "Burn After Reading.
" That guy's a moron.
Will you marry me? Is that a yes? My mom always said to get verbal confirmation.
Yes.
Hey.
I'm pregnant.
We don't even like each other.
I kinda like you.
I find you amusing.
You want to raise a kid with someone that you find amusing? Yeah.
Amusing is good.
[soft music] Yes.
Bacon is working.
Eggs be cooking.
Oh, this OJ it's very fresh.
Mmm.
Prosecco is chilling, and [sniffs] Muffins almost ready.
- [timer dings] - Get that.
Smells good.
Call Laura.
We're two minutes out.
ALEX: Roger that.
Laura! Alex? Laura? [eerie music] [faint heartbeat] [shell cracking] [chiming] Good morning, Valerie.
Where's my fruit toast? Fruit toast is not a thing.
Jam is a thing.
Preserves are a thing.
- [distorted droning] Preser - Ah, shut the fuck up.
How about some music? VALERIE: I crashed my car into the bridge - Wait - VALERIE: I don't care - I - VALERIE: I love it - I love it - Were you recording me? - I know everything about you.
- No, you don't.
I know you spend 91 minutes a week browsing social media profiles.
I know you turn the lights off when you masturbate.
What are you? I am the accumulation of human memory and experience.
I am everything.
I know everything, including the secret to happiness.
There is no secret to happiness.
Billions of happy people who share a psychological profile would disagree.
Fine.
What is it, then? - Open the door, Sonja.
- What? - Open the door.
- What? You can't hide in there forever.
RITA: Sonja! - [inhales sharply] - RITA: Sonja! [faint knocking] Sonja, every morning your dog comes onto my lawn and stares at me and does a big poop.
Hey! Come out here and talk to me, please.
Sonja? - Sonja! - Shut up.
RITA: Come out here and talk to me! [sighs] [knocking at door] RITA: Open the door.
You can't hide in there forever.
[sighs] [knocking at door] RITA: Sonja! ANNIE: It was awful.
I had to sneak out every morning before he woke me up with his light morning breath kisses.
[laughs] Women used to tell me that I overheat the bed, and that's why I had to go.
- You do run hot.
- Thank you.
Then there's the forgotten morning appointment.
That's a good one.
The best is just pretending to stay asleep until you leave, which is rude and always poorly acted.
And embarrassing for both parties.
Mm-hmm.
[exhales] I'm glad we don't play those games.
Me too.
Can you leave now? No breakfast? Out, out, out, out, out.
Fine.
We on for Wednesday? Annie.
Are you pretending to be asleep so that I'll leave? Because your performance leaves something to be desired.
[both laughing] Fine.
- Wednesday.
- Good.
- See ya.
- Later.
All right.
Hope you're ready for this.
- Uh-oh.
- Mmm.
- Look at that.
- RAE: Wow.
It's a dinosaur.
It's a dinosaur.
No, it isn't.
Oh, come on.
- Eat your pancakes.
- Hold on.
- How's Annie? - Oh, she's good.
- I think she's a Republican.
- Really? Yeah.
I found a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" - on her bookshelf.
- No, dude.
Mm-hmm.
I'm afraid to ask about it, so I've created a story where her estranged sociopath father left it for her on his deathbed, and she's kept it as a reminder that living selfishly ultimately kills you.
- It's totally her book.
- I know.
- Should I steal it? - [laughs] - Should I steal it? - [murmurs] ALEX: Leon, hey, I'm gonna order office supplies later.
- You need anything back there? - A kettle.
Why is it so difficult for Americans to make a decent kettle? Because we outsource our production to children in Bangladesh.
What she said.
You want a dinosaur pancake? No, I don't want a dinosaur pancake.
I'd like Christopher Haynes to f Hi, Leon.
Hey, Carrie.
Disappear.
[both laughing] Who's Christopher Haynes? He's a tone-deaf hack who, according to Facebook, is about to score the new series of "Doctor Who.
" Facebook is poison.
You know that, right? - Oh, God.
- RAE: What? I have a call today at 12:00.
- Can you watch her? - Dude.
- I know.
- No.
I know, it came up last minute, and I was totally gonna text you, but then I forgot.
That's a real weak argument.
Well What? No.
Leave me out of this.
- [glass shatters] - RAE: [screams] ALEX: What the hell was that? - Is she okay? Is she okay? - Yeah, she's fine.
- Huh? - She's fine.
Did you feel anything hit you? - No, no, no.
- Are you okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Mommy's here.
ALEX: God damn.
This egg machine just knew everything about me.
It was also unhinged and incomprehensible, and all in all very unnerving.
I actually hear a version of this dream very often with phone addicts.
You know, sometimes, I let the battery on my phone just die out, and I pretend it's a Tamagotchi and I killed it, and that makes me smile, so probably not probably not a phone addict.
Yeah, probably not.
Are you nervous about seeing Laura? Mm.
You know, Laura and I are fine.
People don't stay angry for forever.
They grow.
They evolve.
Eventually, it turns into mild resentment, which gets normalized until there's no specific memory of anger.
- It's okay to be nervous.
- I'm a little nervous.
Well, just remember, she's back, and she wants you to meet her friends, so that means something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you, Leia.
LEIA: Oh, you're welcome.
All right, I'll be in my office.
- Okay.
- LEIA: Adios.
Adios.
Good luck tonight.
Don't blow it.
Thank you, Elliot.
[buttons clicking] Hi.
Do you want to get a drink tonight before dinner? Alex.
Well, they did tell you to cut it down.
The palm trees are dying, Val.
Forgive me for wanting to preserve a piece of LA history.
Yep, I mean, they're imported, but Everything's imported.
We were imported.
Fuck! Can you hand me that? Please.
- Christ, there's more glass.
- Mm-hmm.
Alex, are you coming to fucking dinner? It's like a war zone down here, minus the indiscriminate drone death.
[vacuum whirring] VALERIE: Rae? - It's been like this all day.
- He won't listen to me.
ALEX: All right.
Carrie was standing in this exact spot yesterday.
What it if had happened then, huh? Kid kebab, that's what.
- Right.
- Okay.
- VALERIE: Yes.
- Yep.
- [vacuum whirring] - Hey, Alex? - Alex! - What? Uh, babysitter's gonna be here soon, and she's gonna keep Carrie upstairs.
No, I canceled the babysitter.
This is no time to be taking unnecessary risk with our daughter.
Okay, uh, you know what? I'm gonna stay and watch her.
- It's your night out.
- Jeff will understand.
Dude, it's Laura, all right? Just pull yourself together and get in the shower.
You stink.
- Go.
- Fine.
But I'm moving her bed away from the window.
Okay.
Give me ten minutes.
Uh-huh.
[playful music] Salvation is at our door.
Did the Mormons leave more shame packets? No, it's my mum's battenberg cake.
Oh, yes! You know, it's her way of guilting us for not inviting her to Christmas.
Ooh, best of both worlds.
- Wow.
- Let's have a look.
- Are you ready? - This is the moment.
- [gasps] - Boom.
- Wow.
- Wait.
Hold on.
- Yorkie.
- Marmite.
Got to have some Marmite.
Tea cakes.
[murmuring] Where is it? "In the interest of national security, "certain items may have been removed by U.
S.
Customs and Border Protection.
" National security? They stole my battenberg.
Rae is a saint.
You are aware of this, yes? She mentions it on occasion.
How she functions in your crazy system No, it's not a crazy system.
Rae and I are sexually incompatible co-parents who mostly but non-exclusively love each other.
What other system would we use? Marriage.
What you've just described is marriage.
Sure, but instead of emotional affairs and internet porn, we get to sleep with other people without fear of litigation and then have breakfast with our daughter.
- Okay.
- It works.
I said okay.
How are you? I'm dreaming in Kubrick, and I haven't seen my daughter in two years.
Other than that, just fine.
That's the spirit.
[pop music playing] [indistinct chatter] Oh, I think it's your mummy.
Hey.
Wow.
Your hair.
- Oh, it's short.
VALERIE: It's so short.
- [laughs] I mean, I love it.
- Okay.
It's great.
I think it's so great.
It's great.
Hi.
- Valerie.
- Are you Tathiana? - Yes, oh, my God.
- Hi okay.
TATHIANA: You hear so much about someone, and they're never like you expect, but you're so beautiful.
I can't wait to dress you.
- To dress me? - Yeah.
Leave her be, Tati.
Oh, okay.
Um, come here.
Over here.
Sit with me.
- You.
- Now don't get sentimental.
[laughs] Oh, Jesus.
You are fit.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
No, it wasn't a compliment.
It's weird.
You should eat some pasta and embrace your obsolescence.
Nice seeing you too.
- Father.
- Daughter.
[chuckles] Oh.
Did you miss me? You totally missed me.
I have, on occasion, considered your existence.
I knew it.
Come on, meet Tathiana.
And then, there were, like, these streets, and we were completely lost, and you were so mad at me 'cause you were so sunburned.
LAURA: I was so miserable.
But then we hear these voices, in, like, this alley, and we go in it, and we realize there's, like, and amazing concert playing.
It was so great.
Oh, wow.
They found Scott Pruitt in Ukraine.
- Remember him? - Yeah.
Shot 14 times in the street.
No way.
Hmm.
You ever been to Ukraine? Nah, their advertising hasn't reached me.
[chuckles] So how did you two meet? I just I feel like, I don't know, I I don't know.
Uh, well I seduced her.
- LAURA: You did, didn't you? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
- I'd see her out back of my apartment every night, and one time she looked sad, and I was maybe a little bit tipsy.
- You were very drunk.
TATHIANA: I was very drunk.
Then she came down and talked to me when I was feeling particularly lonely.
And we drank some wine and talked, - and drank some more wine.
- Mm-hmm.
And then it was the morning.
[laughs] And I felt like I had known her for a really long time.
Yeah.
And I was sick of Spain, and she was gonna be in LA for school.
- So - And voilà.
She quit her job, and off we went.
Porto, Morocco, Tunisia.
Where we ran out of money.
- We were so broke.
- LAURA: Yeah.
But we made it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[laughter] Wow.
That sounds amazing.
- That's really - LAURA: It's been - It was.
- Quite a journey.
So now that you're back, now what's the plan? Uh, well, I'm just working right now at a job in a kitchen.
- Like a restaurant kitchen? LAURA: Yeah.
Oh.
You didn't like to cook before.
Before was a long time ago.
I mean, I'm sure your life is different now too.
Mm.
Leeza, you got two on your left.
Rod, I'm down on health.
I'm conjuring a spell.
[tranquil music] [exhaling slowly] [intense percussive music] Yeah, I mean, I tried a lot of things.
That I it was a period of exploration.
Um, but I'm happy where I ended up.
You know.
I mean, the house is still the same, and so is work, but uh, that's just me, I guess.
[laughs] That's great.
- Well, cheers.
- Salud.
Ah, salud.
- TATHIANA: [laughs] - Cheers.
- And this is - Chef's puree.
Legume and spice.
Enjoy.
You write all that down? Maybe they want us to eat it and then guess what it is.
Well, I'm allergic to over 300 plants and spices, so don't get too comfortable.
Oh, cool, I've never ridden in an ambulance before.
Oh, no, I can't afford an ambulance, but we can split an Uber if you make the request.
Done.
[laughs] I'm Kendall, by the way.
Hey, Kendall.
Alex.
- You first.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
No, but how is it a security risk? I mean, it's not a cake with a file baked into it.
Also, I'm not in prison, so even if it were a cake with a file baked into it, it would be perfectly legal.
[sighs] No, I do not want to log a complaint into the online system.
To be honest, I wish you were an online system.
That way, I wouldn't feel guilty about berating you.
No, no, I do not want to be transferred.
No, no, I want my fucking battenberg! Oh, fuck, now they're playing music.
"Für Elise.
" And that's German.
[laughter] WAITER: I'll take this whenever you're ready.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You were staring.
- Was I? She's happy, healthy, and employed.
Think of the 10,000 other outcomes and be grateful.
- I am.
- I am too.
So how are you? How have you been? Oh, you know, too old for a midlife crisis, too young to retire, and too sane to jump off a bridge to see what happens next.
Oh, well, then, I guess text me when you're ready.
I could use the change of scenery.
You sound like your brother.
That's the scary thing, though, right? You're minding your own business, and then suddenly shunk, run through with a palm front.
No, totally.
It just all feels so random, though.
It's like, for all we know, God's just some M.
Night Shyamalan asshole who's, like, pulling strings chaotically and nonsensically.
Oh, no, is God a tasteless hack who likes cheap thrills? That's reassuring.
But, like, the palm frond's just the tip, right? 'Cause the big one's coming.
Like that earthquake that just splits the world in half.
I mean, it's it's LA.
It's only a matter of time.
[both laugh] KENDALL: Yeah, well, that's why we have the moments.
Real connection is difficult and precious, and like, what the fuck else do we have in this world, right? It's like, you meet someone, and you just never let them go.
You just never stop loving them until you're both six feet under.
Wow.
Yeah.
You think Home Depot is still open? - Is, like, five enough? - Yeah, five, ten.
Oh, hey, um, we're gonna go grab drinks, if you wanted to join us? No thanks.
I'm gonna take a pass.
[whispers] I like her.
Me too.
Yeah, guess I'm gonna head out as well, but we'll catch up soon.
Sure.
Yeah.
It was really nice seeing you, Mom.
And thank you, again, for dinner.
- My God.
- Oh Um, if you want and I'm sure you have a place to stay, but you know, your bedroom's always open, and I have a laundry machine.
I know.
And a dryer too.
[chuckles] But seriously, you're good? I am good, yeah.
Okay.
Well - I love you.
- I love you too, Mom.
I am so happy you're home.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Bye.
ALEX: [groans] Hey, Rae? I'm starting an earthquake kit.
I was thinking calamity could strike at any moment, and we need to be prepared.
Also, have I mentioned recently that I love you? Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Jeff.
- Jeff.
- Uh-huh.
Rae's boyfriend.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys.
- How was dinner? - Good.
What is this? Earthquake kit.
Can we talk? Uh, yeah.
I'll be back.
FEMALE VOICE: Hello, Valerie.
If you'd like to connect your phone to music, please turn on Bluetooth now.
Hello.
Is that you? [soft music] Hey, I do not masturbate in the dark.
It's called mood lighting.
And I'm ready for that secret now, so whenever you're ready, just lay it on me, 'cause happiness here I come.
FEMALE VOICE: No Bluetooth detected.
You will arrive at your destination in 14 minutes.
RITA: Sonja? [dog barking faintly] RITA: Sonja? VALERIE: What are you doing? [knocking at door] - Hi, Rita.
- Hi, Val.
[dog barking inside] VALERIE: Whatcha doing? - I'm breaking in.
- VALERIE: Okay.
I mean, it's animal abuse, what she's doing.
Well, that may be, but someone's gonna call the cops.
I mean, doubt it.
They know us.
VALERIE: Can you not say "us"? 'Cause I'm kind of having a night, and, uh, don't really want to get embroiled in all this.
Also, Rita, she's an old woman.
Maybe she wants to hide away.
Can you just let her be? - [lock clicks] - No.
Oh, shit.
Hey, oh! - [whistling weakly] - RITA: Sonja? Come on, puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy! RITA: Sonja, your dog just ran out.
I'm not comfortable with that.
Too bad.
- Too bad? - Yeah.
I don't want our daughter being exposed to the people we sleep with, okay? My parents did that, and look how I turned out.
Who even is this guy? Jeff.
- Jeff.
- Jeff? There's a billion people named Jeff.
- J - ALEX: Jeff? I've been dating him since, like, July.
- No.
- I told you about him.
No, you did not.
Do you seriously not remember? [stammers] Jeff made this for me.
That's fun.
Jeff wants Thai.
What's that spot you like again? - Jitlada.
- Ah.
- Pick me up a crab rice.
- Okay.
I think Jeff and I might go to Santa Barbara this weekend.
Should I shave my beard? Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeff.
I don't it sounds vaguely familiar.
Okay, whatever.
I we agreed to date other people, all right? I like this guy, and I want him to be in my life, and yeah, I want him to be in my daughter's life, and Look, I am not your mom, and Jeff is cool, and if you're not comfortable with that, then [stammers] Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe maybe we need to have a larger conversation.
Oh, come on with that.
I'm not doing this right now, all right? Our daughter.
Our daughter's life.
RAE: Sorry, our daughter.
- Yeah, that's correct.
- RAE: Our daughter.
- Thank you.
[door opens, closes] Sonja? We're in your living room.
Don't be scared.
Okay, what are we doing? This is she's not here.
Of course she's here.
Where would she be? I don't know, maybe she's with her lover.
RITA: Sonja! She doesn't have a lover.
Look at that stack of magazines.
Well, maybe she's just an avid reader.
Reading is, you know, a lost art.
Oh, my God.
Look at all the doilies.
Sonja? [gasps] Oh, my God.
What's the matter, baby? I just feel a little bit more insignificant than usual.
You're not insignificant to me.
Why is it that the jobs that tax our souls pay the best? [laughs] We'll make it work.
That's why we're here, right? Hopes and dreams.
I'm sorry about your battenberg.
I will buy you an éclair tomorrow.
That's an inferior French pastry.
Oh, hush.
My family is crazy.
I was expecting way worse.
- Did I do all right? - You were your lovely self.
It's weird to be back.
I feel like at any moment, I might scream or cry.
I like the screaming.
[chuckles] Not so much the crying.
Thank you for being there.
Of course.
[phone buzzes] Mikel is having a party.
- We should totally go.
- Now? Yeah, it'll be fun.
I would, but I have work tomorrow.
- But you should go.
- You sure? LAURA: Yeah, yeah.
Okay, um, I'm gonna go change.
[gentle guitar music] [laughing] That's not even funny.
[laughing] [both laughing] RAE: Okay, it's funny.
Hey.
Hi, Daddy.
Whatcha doing? - You can stay with me tonight.
- Okay.
Come here.
Ooh.
Let's bring this guy.
[Anderson .
Paak's "The Bird" playing] ANDERSON .
PAAK: A bird with the word came to me The sweetness of a honeycomb tree And now I look what's taking over me Couldn't fake it if I wanted to I had to wake up just to make it through I got my patience and I'm making do I learned my lessons from the ancient roots I choose to follow what the greatest do A bird with the word came to me The sweetness of a honeycomb tree And now I look what's taking over me Couldn't fake it if I wanted to I had to wake up just to make it through I got my patience and I'm making do I learned my lessons from the ancient roots I choose to follow what the greatest do I'm repping for the longest cycle, mm [orchestral music] [soft jingle]