Catastrophe (2015) s03e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 I'm pretty sure I can smell booze on you.
- Don't you not drink? - I have the odd drink now.
OK.
Well, we're not moving back here.
I don't want to die in Walthamstow.
You're not going to die, and this isn't Walthamstow.
This is Douglas.
Aloha.
She said you told her that she was too beautiful to work in the same building as you.
Well, she told me that she wanted to suck my cock until I passed out.
That kind of language is utterly inappropriate.
I fucking agree.
Plus, none of the autopsies showed conclusively that it was Trilafon that killed those guys, but it's time for us to tell the British public we're sorry.
Though we can't actually say that.
In other news, it's great to welcome Rob Norris and his creative eye back.
Rob's been in Montreal these past few weeks, teaching a course in pharmaceutical marketing at McGill University's school of business.
- Good to have you back, Rob.
- Good to be back.
Um, I very much appreciate that gesture but we I massaged the truth a bit.
So what? - I thought it might be easier that way.
- Thank you, I I'll see you at the extended-release transdermal cyclobenzaprine meeting.
We should come up with an acronym for that, because it takes a while to say.
I just wanted to say I'm back from Canada and it's good to be back.
- OK - All right.
I'll see you around.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Mate, are you going to be in there for a while? There's a toilet downstairs.
That seat's rickety.
You might want to get it fixed.
I was just winding you up.
Good one.
[HE EXHALES.]
Jesus! Seriously, you might need to see a doctor.
He needs to not be in this house any more.
What's he done now? One of my core beliefs is that I should be able to take a shit in my own home without being bothered by a stranger.
He's doing you a favour.
Seriously, it cannot be good for you, sitting like that for hours with your arse all open.
Something's going to fall out one day.
- Or crawl in.
- [HE CHUCKLES.]
- What time are you up? - I've got to get in early.
We have some MPs coming in that we have to bribe.
We fucked up on a clinical trial and a little girl in Sheffield grew an ear on her neck.
Yeah, but that's when you were on leave, right? Yeah, I never would have signed off on that.
What's it like being back? - Is it horrible? - It's not wonderful.
Well, if it's any consolation, you going back to a job you hate so we don't lose our home gives me the massive horn.
- That does sound nice.
- I don't mean right now.
Not now.
I had a big dinner.
Do you feel bad that neither of us is going to be with the kids now? I mean, I went back to work and they had to get used to you, and now you're like, "Fuck you, I'm off too".
What, "Fuck you, I need to earn money to support my family?" That's the opposite of "Fuck you.
" - Fuck you.
- Fuck off! We need to sort out a child-minder, though.
Like, a proper child-minder, if we're both working.
It was all right when Anna was our baby-sitter.
I mean, your baby-sitter's supposed to be shit.
Yeah, all they have to do is put them to bed and then just sit there.
She doesn't just sit there.
You know when we went to see Jason Bourne? When we got back the living room smelt of sex.
No, it didn't.
Well, it at least smelt of solo sex.
Maybe she just microwaved a Findus Crispy Pancake.
What's that thing on her neck now? Is that a wound dressing? I thought it was a nicotine patch.
Well, whatever it is, I don't want Muireann pecking it off and chewing on it.
[MOBILE RINGS.]
Oh, it's Mum.
Hello.
[GROANING.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Don't come in.
Did you not see the sock on the door knob? For fuck's sake! Look, it's a normal thing that people do, OK? - Relax.
- Dad had a stroke.
What? On the plane on the way home.
Fucking Ryanair! Oh, that's what that is.
We were wondering what that was on your - Sorry to hear about your dad.
- Oh, thanks.
Thanks for doing this.
I've got to head over there and Rob Did you know him well? My dad? Yeah, yeah - So you're going to Ireland now? - Yeah, because Yeah, they do it pretty quickly over there, don't they? My Irish cousin, Maeve, she died, and you know how you lot do the open casket? - I do, yeah.
- Yeah, well, she was still warm, and I thought it was because she was beside the radiator but, you know, I touched it and it wasn't even on.
Well, my dad's not dead he just had a stroke.
Oh, great.
Well, have a nice trip then.
Oh, hey, Margaret.
That's a nice blouse.
- I would buy that for my wife.
- Pardon? And, Tina, I also like your blazer for my wife.
- Top cupboard.
- Sorry? If you're looking for coffee pouches, they're in the top cupboard.
- Thanks.
- Oh, and they're all good.
I took the decaf packets and threw them away.
- Not on my watch.
- Strong move, my man.
- Rafe Bales.
- Rob Norris.
Yeah, I know.
I started a few weeks ago, I guess while you were teaching your course at McGill school of business.
- Sure.
How are you finding it? - Good.
I mean, it's a good company, good folks.
- Tacos on the roof.
- Tacos on the roof? Yeah, they do tacos on the roof now on Fridays.
- It's awesome.
- Do you like tacos? Do I look like I like tacos? You look like you enjoy a taco from time to time, yeah.
- You'd better believe I do.
- Well, I'll see you up there then.
I'll just finish making my coffee, and then I will see you up there.
- On Friday.
- That's what I meant.
- OK.
- All right.
Of course, the real issue is that the ambulance from the airport got caught up in the rugby match traffic.
It was an exhibition match, you know, France, Ireland, so it was a pretty hot ticket, to say the least.
And that was at the same time as the Ed Sheeran gig was getting out of the ROS Arena so, you know Traffic-wise he couldn't have picked a worse time to But anyway, luckily, it wasn't that big of a stroke.
But, because of his stroke last year What stroke last year? His stroke was two days ago.
No, no, no, no, the first stroke.
The dementia you've spoken about is almost certainly a consequence of the stroke he had last year.
- What, this was his second stroke? - Yes.
Oh, great.
Oh, well, that's great.
Well, he didn't want to make a fuss, and it wasn't a big one.
It's not a fuss.
He's my dad.
We need to know if our father's had a stroke.
You you're so secretive.
- What the hell?! - And what about you? What do you mean, "What about me?" Well, you're hardly an open book.
You kept the fact that you were seeing that Sinn Fein councillor quiet - for a long time.
- What? I was 18 and he wasn't a Sinn Fein I'm just saying you're a bit of a dark horse yourself.
Jesus.
Mum, even medically I need to know, let alone You know Dad and I share genes? I mean, you don't need to worry because - I don't need to worry?! - No, I don't mean Look, I need to know if I'm going to keel over and have a stroke one day when I'm reading Frankie the fucking Gruffalo.
- Strokes aren't hereditary.
- Oh, shut up, Fergal.
- No, no, he's correct.
- Oh, and you would OK.
Thanks.
Honey, you're home.
Yeah, what's up? Well, Fran told me about Sharon's dad, and her going to Ireland and leaving you all alone, so I thought I'd check in, make sure you hadn't gone full Winehouse.
Look, Chris, I don't need You told me more than once you had a problem with booze.
And when somebody tells you something about themselves, I've learned it's a good idea to listen.
Look, there's a spectrum that - we're all on - A spectrum? Christ! I haven't drunk today.
- Do you want to smell my breath? - No.
- Do you want to smell my balls? - No.
But let me make you a cup of tea.
No, thank you, I have miles to go before I sleep.
I like your tattoo.
What is it? It's a female panther.
- I like your jacket.
- All right, let's go in.
I should have known when he said he could smell strawberries.
Fresh fruit on Ryanair? - That'll never happen.
- Some chance.
They didn't even make an announcement.
But credit to Des, he did stroke quite quietly.
He doesn't like to make a fuss.
When Harry had his stroke he knocked over a display pyramid of Pepsi Max in the supermarket.
Well, there's no good place to have one.
- You still in your mam's place? - Yeah.
God Grimsville, Idaho.
But, still, it's only a Dart and two buses to see the girls.
Yeah.
God, Fergal's looking well, isn't he? I found this.
Look.
Where's that from? Oh, Sharon used to be a flight attendant for Retarded Slut Airlines.
It's the Saint Mary Step's ball.
Look at the state of you.
How are you, Fergal? I haven't seen you since the wedding.
Yeah, all right.
You still with Harry? Oh, God, no.
No, I left him left him when he hit me.
What? You never told me that.
- He hit you? - Yeah.
I mean, he hit me with the thing he threw at me.
Threw his iPod shuffle at me.
So I just left.
Left all my stuff and I just walked out in the middle of the night.
Well, I mean, that's great Well, actually, I went back the next night to get my purse - Oh, no, of course.
Sure.
- and to sink his boat.
I sank his boat.
Are you still married? I just remembered I left a joint under the floorboard of my bedroom 20 years ago.
Well, what are we doing down here? You OK? Do you want a cup of tea? Oh, are you talking to me now? Mum, I was never not talking to you.
I was just not looking at you.
I'm going to check on your father.
Fergal's looking well.
Thank you.
Hi, again.
Man, you ought to shut me off, or there won't be any carne asada left for anybody else.
That's a real possibility.
- You can't beat this.
- You really can't.
It cost about £600 a week to do, but in fact, this is the type of shit that makes your employees hang around two to three months longer on average, which can save a company tens of thousands over a fiscal year in training and recruitment fees.
Also, people like tacos.
How many tacos have you had? - Oh, actually, I don't - Cheers.
Thanks.
Hey.
Hey.
Chris.
Remember me? I'm still legally married to your girlfriend.
Yeah, I remember you.
You want a beer? No, thank you.
I just thought we should have a little chat because you're spending a fair amount of time in my house, with my son, and I don't care for it.
- Really.
- Yeah.
I'm not wild about you.
I suppose you could say I wish you ill.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Now, look, you have choices.
The good news is that you're at a fork in the road.
One path, the one I'd recommend, could lead to any number of places, some lovely, some peaceful.
- There you go.
- Thank you so much! The other path is a bad path.
If you were to choose this path, you'd better hope the next person to walk it is a forensic dentist, so they can identify your fucking skull and your mother has something to bury in the family plot.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Och aye the noo.
What are you going to do? Bring along a little stepladder, climb up on it, and punch me in the tits to death? And you can save me the Braveheart shit.
Consider your goal achieved.
Some nut job ex interrupting my chicken Caesar wrap? Fuck that noise.
I was going to dump her anyway.
Now I don't even have to do that.
Leave Shelly a nice tip.
She's my favourite bartender.
Oh, Dad! Where's my fucking? Why didn't I get a fucking letter? That's Mike.
He's 28 and he's got four kids.
I think he's like Amish or Mormon - or whichever one of those does that.
- Yeah.
- What's her name? - That's Tina.
How much do think she weighs? I don't know.
7O lbs less than me.
OK, so say there's a nuclear attack, right? And everyone's dropped dead except you and Harita.
- How long before you'd fuck her? - I mean, that would be up to her, because I would never And first off, did my wife get killed in this nuclear attack? Because if she wasn't dead, I'd go and try and save her.
No, no, no, your family are dead.
They died instantly.
They were vaporised.
It's painless.
Then I wouldn't be horny, because I'd be sad.
Oh, all right, Morrissey.
- Fat Morrissey! - Oh, Jesus.
Come on, man.
Fuck, I'm not that fat.
It's about the third thing you'd notice about me.
I mean, first, I'm tall.
Second, I'm very friendly, and then maybe you'd notice that I'm slightly overweight.
[HE LAUGHS.]
Slightly! So, what's it's been like coming back after, you know? After Canada? After you got busted for trying to bang that French girl in the office.
I didn't do anything like that.
- And how do you? - Oh, no.
Everyone here knows you got suspended for sexual misconduct.
It was a fucking mutually-agreed leave of absence and a misunderstanding, all right? Keep your voice down.
Bobby, the cat's out of the bag on this one, mate.
You might as well make lemonade.
[HE LAUGHS.]
No? Where are you going? I've got going to let the baby-sitter go.
I'd wait half an hour before I fucked Harita! This happens all the time.
I mean, I get looked over every time.
I'm a good daughter.
I send Father's Day cards.
I buy the birthday presents.
Do you know how he knows when your birthday is? Because I fucking tell him.
I'm the oldest child.
I'm the first-born.
Dad's known me four more years than he's known Fergal.
Maybe he was writing yours and then he had a stroke in the middle of it.
Yeah, maybe.
But why did he write yours first? My letter should have come first.
What if the last letter Dad ever writes is to Fergal? - You're being ridiculous.
- No, I'm not.
What's ridiculous is this family not acknowledging the truth.
Mum, what I think Sharon is trying to say is we can't handle the truth.
- Oh, fuck off, Fergal.
- No, you calm down.
I am calm, but this is bullshit.
Do you know how it feels to play second fiddle - to that prick all my life? - Hang on Do you have any idea what that does to your confidence? Do you know how many terrible men I've had to sleep with because Dad loves that asshole more than me? Not not many, actually, but, you know, this is really upsetting.
I'm really upset.
And where's all the? Where's all the photos of me and my kids? There's just Fergal's everywhere.
It's Fergal, Fergal, Fergal.
It's like a fucking Fergal shrine in here.
My hand's in that photo and that's it.
Actually, I don't think that is your hand.
You weren't there that day.
You don't send me any photos.
Mum, I constantly e-mail you photos of me and the kids.
What am I supposed to do with those? Fergal sends me photographs already framed.
What? Oh, my God.
You're a psychopath.
You don't send a 65-year-old with dial-up a bunch of JPEGs.
That's like asking a fucking haddock to do a suduki.
Sudoku.
Whatever the fuck.
Is it because he's the son? Does that make him more important? I'm going to let you get this out of your system and go and check on Des.
Or is it because he embezzled money from my husband? Rob lent me money and I'm paying him back.
Or is it because you're so proud of his bags since his actual business went under? Or is it because he left his wife because he's scared of Spain? Mum, I didn't tell you about the business because I didn't want you to worry about me.
I want you to be proud of me.
I told Sharon because I don't care what she thinks.
And that stuff about Mallandra, I mean, that was just I didn't mean any of that, you know? Dad getting sick has changed everything.
I'm going back to Spain.
I just want to sell man bags and be a good dad.
Well, it's all out in the open now.
I am proud of you.
I always will be.
He's got drugs hidden under the floorboards in his bedroom.
Sorry I'm late.
Do you have my wallet? No.
I have it.
You're giving me - you've given me too much.
- Mm.
- You all right? - No.
- I'm going to throw up.
- Don't lie down.
It's fine.
I'm just going to relax a little bit and do it later.
Do you still need me tomorrow? Rob? Did you make pancakes? Smells, like, fucking good.
No.
Look, Moirin's not long gone to sleep, so just keep an ear out, yeah? [BABY CRIES.]
[SHE SIGHS.]
Don't worry, you slept there, I slept in Moirin's room.
Right, so the money you overpaid me last night just about covers me staying over.
I'll see you later.
You should have a shower or walk through a car wash or summit.
You really smell.
[HE SNIFFS.]
Do you want a cup of tea? Great.
I'll have one too.
I'm sorry.
[KNOCKING.]
How do you know where I live? I've dropped you off here, like, 25 times.
All right, fair enough.
What do you want? You left these in Moirin's room last night.
All right.
- Thanks.
- Listen, I'm really sorry about last night.
And I'm not telling you not to tell Sharon I ain't telling Sharon.
You think she fucking won't kill the messenger? Right.
And, look, um, this isn't a bribe, um, or a payoff, it's just a way to say thank you for I mean, what you did last night was I mean, I always thought you were a fine baby-sitter, but now I know.
I can't feel sorry for you.
You know I missed a date cos of you last night? Oh! I'm really sorry.
I mean, you can always go around there now, maybe? Can I? Or do you think his girlfriend's around there now? I'm sorry.
I Daddy? [KNOCKING.]
I need help.
How did you know? How did I know what? He's dead.
He died.
Fergal?! Dad.
My dad.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, honey.
MUSIC: Catastrophe Theme by Oli Julian
- Don't you not drink? - I have the odd drink now.
OK.
Well, we're not moving back here.
I don't want to die in Walthamstow.
You're not going to die, and this isn't Walthamstow.
This is Douglas.
Aloha.
She said you told her that she was too beautiful to work in the same building as you.
Well, she told me that she wanted to suck my cock until I passed out.
That kind of language is utterly inappropriate.
I fucking agree.
Plus, none of the autopsies showed conclusively that it was Trilafon that killed those guys, but it's time for us to tell the British public we're sorry.
Though we can't actually say that.
In other news, it's great to welcome Rob Norris and his creative eye back.
Rob's been in Montreal these past few weeks, teaching a course in pharmaceutical marketing at McGill University's school of business.
- Good to have you back, Rob.
- Good to be back.
Um, I very much appreciate that gesture but we I massaged the truth a bit.
So what? - I thought it might be easier that way.
- Thank you, I I'll see you at the extended-release transdermal cyclobenzaprine meeting.
We should come up with an acronym for that, because it takes a while to say.
I just wanted to say I'm back from Canada and it's good to be back.
- OK - All right.
I'll see you around.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Mate, are you going to be in there for a while? There's a toilet downstairs.
That seat's rickety.
You might want to get it fixed.
I was just winding you up.
Good one.
[HE EXHALES.]
Jesus! Seriously, you might need to see a doctor.
He needs to not be in this house any more.
What's he done now? One of my core beliefs is that I should be able to take a shit in my own home without being bothered by a stranger.
He's doing you a favour.
Seriously, it cannot be good for you, sitting like that for hours with your arse all open.
Something's going to fall out one day.
- Or crawl in.
- [HE CHUCKLES.]
- What time are you up? - I've got to get in early.
We have some MPs coming in that we have to bribe.
We fucked up on a clinical trial and a little girl in Sheffield grew an ear on her neck.
Yeah, but that's when you were on leave, right? Yeah, I never would have signed off on that.
What's it like being back? - Is it horrible? - It's not wonderful.
Well, if it's any consolation, you going back to a job you hate so we don't lose our home gives me the massive horn.
- That does sound nice.
- I don't mean right now.
Not now.
I had a big dinner.
Do you feel bad that neither of us is going to be with the kids now? I mean, I went back to work and they had to get used to you, and now you're like, "Fuck you, I'm off too".
What, "Fuck you, I need to earn money to support my family?" That's the opposite of "Fuck you.
" - Fuck you.
- Fuck off! We need to sort out a child-minder, though.
Like, a proper child-minder, if we're both working.
It was all right when Anna was our baby-sitter.
I mean, your baby-sitter's supposed to be shit.
Yeah, all they have to do is put them to bed and then just sit there.
She doesn't just sit there.
You know when we went to see Jason Bourne? When we got back the living room smelt of sex.
No, it didn't.
Well, it at least smelt of solo sex.
Maybe she just microwaved a Findus Crispy Pancake.
What's that thing on her neck now? Is that a wound dressing? I thought it was a nicotine patch.
Well, whatever it is, I don't want Muireann pecking it off and chewing on it.
[MOBILE RINGS.]
Oh, it's Mum.
Hello.
[GROANING.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Don't come in.
Did you not see the sock on the door knob? For fuck's sake! Look, it's a normal thing that people do, OK? - Relax.
- Dad had a stroke.
What? On the plane on the way home.
Fucking Ryanair! Oh, that's what that is.
We were wondering what that was on your - Sorry to hear about your dad.
- Oh, thanks.
Thanks for doing this.
I've got to head over there and Rob Did you know him well? My dad? Yeah, yeah - So you're going to Ireland now? - Yeah, because Yeah, they do it pretty quickly over there, don't they? My Irish cousin, Maeve, she died, and you know how you lot do the open casket? - I do, yeah.
- Yeah, well, she was still warm, and I thought it was because she was beside the radiator but, you know, I touched it and it wasn't even on.
Well, my dad's not dead he just had a stroke.
Oh, great.
Well, have a nice trip then.
Oh, hey, Margaret.
That's a nice blouse.
- I would buy that for my wife.
- Pardon? And, Tina, I also like your blazer for my wife.
- Top cupboard.
- Sorry? If you're looking for coffee pouches, they're in the top cupboard.
- Thanks.
- Oh, and they're all good.
I took the decaf packets and threw them away.
- Not on my watch.
- Strong move, my man.
- Rafe Bales.
- Rob Norris.
Yeah, I know.
I started a few weeks ago, I guess while you were teaching your course at McGill school of business.
- Sure.
How are you finding it? - Good.
I mean, it's a good company, good folks.
- Tacos on the roof.
- Tacos on the roof? Yeah, they do tacos on the roof now on Fridays.
- It's awesome.
- Do you like tacos? Do I look like I like tacos? You look like you enjoy a taco from time to time, yeah.
- You'd better believe I do.
- Well, I'll see you up there then.
I'll just finish making my coffee, and then I will see you up there.
- On Friday.
- That's what I meant.
- OK.
- All right.
Of course, the real issue is that the ambulance from the airport got caught up in the rugby match traffic.
It was an exhibition match, you know, France, Ireland, so it was a pretty hot ticket, to say the least.
And that was at the same time as the Ed Sheeran gig was getting out of the ROS Arena so, you know Traffic-wise he couldn't have picked a worse time to But anyway, luckily, it wasn't that big of a stroke.
But, because of his stroke last year What stroke last year? His stroke was two days ago.
No, no, no, no, the first stroke.
The dementia you've spoken about is almost certainly a consequence of the stroke he had last year.
- What, this was his second stroke? - Yes.
Oh, great.
Oh, well, that's great.
Well, he didn't want to make a fuss, and it wasn't a big one.
It's not a fuss.
He's my dad.
We need to know if our father's had a stroke.
You you're so secretive.
- What the hell?! - And what about you? What do you mean, "What about me?" Well, you're hardly an open book.
You kept the fact that you were seeing that Sinn Fein councillor quiet - for a long time.
- What? I was 18 and he wasn't a Sinn Fein I'm just saying you're a bit of a dark horse yourself.
Jesus.
Mum, even medically I need to know, let alone You know Dad and I share genes? I mean, you don't need to worry because - I don't need to worry?! - No, I don't mean Look, I need to know if I'm going to keel over and have a stroke one day when I'm reading Frankie the fucking Gruffalo.
- Strokes aren't hereditary.
- Oh, shut up, Fergal.
- No, no, he's correct.
- Oh, and you would OK.
Thanks.
Honey, you're home.
Yeah, what's up? Well, Fran told me about Sharon's dad, and her going to Ireland and leaving you all alone, so I thought I'd check in, make sure you hadn't gone full Winehouse.
Look, Chris, I don't need You told me more than once you had a problem with booze.
And when somebody tells you something about themselves, I've learned it's a good idea to listen.
Look, there's a spectrum that - we're all on - A spectrum? Christ! I haven't drunk today.
- Do you want to smell my breath? - No.
- Do you want to smell my balls? - No.
But let me make you a cup of tea.
No, thank you, I have miles to go before I sleep.
I like your tattoo.
What is it? It's a female panther.
- I like your jacket.
- All right, let's go in.
I should have known when he said he could smell strawberries.
Fresh fruit on Ryanair? - That'll never happen.
- Some chance.
They didn't even make an announcement.
But credit to Des, he did stroke quite quietly.
He doesn't like to make a fuss.
When Harry had his stroke he knocked over a display pyramid of Pepsi Max in the supermarket.
Well, there's no good place to have one.
- You still in your mam's place? - Yeah.
God Grimsville, Idaho.
But, still, it's only a Dart and two buses to see the girls.
Yeah.
God, Fergal's looking well, isn't he? I found this.
Look.
Where's that from? Oh, Sharon used to be a flight attendant for Retarded Slut Airlines.
It's the Saint Mary Step's ball.
Look at the state of you.
How are you, Fergal? I haven't seen you since the wedding.
Yeah, all right.
You still with Harry? Oh, God, no.
No, I left him left him when he hit me.
What? You never told me that.
- He hit you? - Yeah.
I mean, he hit me with the thing he threw at me.
Threw his iPod shuffle at me.
So I just left.
Left all my stuff and I just walked out in the middle of the night.
Well, I mean, that's great Well, actually, I went back the next night to get my purse - Oh, no, of course.
Sure.
- and to sink his boat.
I sank his boat.
Are you still married? I just remembered I left a joint under the floorboard of my bedroom 20 years ago.
Well, what are we doing down here? You OK? Do you want a cup of tea? Oh, are you talking to me now? Mum, I was never not talking to you.
I was just not looking at you.
I'm going to check on your father.
Fergal's looking well.
Thank you.
Hi, again.
Man, you ought to shut me off, or there won't be any carne asada left for anybody else.
That's a real possibility.
- You can't beat this.
- You really can't.
It cost about £600 a week to do, but in fact, this is the type of shit that makes your employees hang around two to three months longer on average, which can save a company tens of thousands over a fiscal year in training and recruitment fees.
Also, people like tacos.
How many tacos have you had? - Oh, actually, I don't - Cheers.
Thanks.
Hey.
Hey.
Chris.
Remember me? I'm still legally married to your girlfriend.
Yeah, I remember you.
You want a beer? No, thank you.
I just thought we should have a little chat because you're spending a fair amount of time in my house, with my son, and I don't care for it.
- Really.
- Yeah.
I'm not wild about you.
I suppose you could say I wish you ill.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Now, look, you have choices.
The good news is that you're at a fork in the road.
One path, the one I'd recommend, could lead to any number of places, some lovely, some peaceful.
- There you go.
- Thank you so much! The other path is a bad path.
If you were to choose this path, you'd better hope the next person to walk it is a forensic dentist, so they can identify your fucking skull and your mother has something to bury in the family plot.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Och aye the noo.
What are you going to do? Bring along a little stepladder, climb up on it, and punch me in the tits to death? And you can save me the Braveheart shit.
Consider your goal achieved.
Some nut job ex interrupting my chicken Caesar wrap? Fuck that noise.
I was going to dump her anyway.
Now I don't even have to do that.
Leave Shelly a nice tip.
She's my favourite bartender.
Oh, Dad! Where's my fucking? Why didn't I get a fucking letter? That's Mike.
He's 28 and he's got four kids.
I think he's like Amish or Mormon - or whichever one of those does that.
- Yeah.
- What's her name? - That's Tina.
How much do think she weighs? I don't know.
7O lbs less than me.
OK, so say there's a nuclear attack, right? And everyone's dropped dead except you and Harita.
- How long before you'd fuck her? - I mean, that would be up to her, because I would never And first off, did my wife get killed in this nuclear attack? Because if she wasn't dead, I'd go and try and save her.
No, no, no, your family are dead.
They died instantly.
They were vaporised.
It's painless.
Then I wouldn't be horny, because I'd be sad.
Oh, all right, Morrissey.
- Fat Morrissey! - Oh, Jesus.
Come on, man.
Fuck, I'm not that fat.
It's about the third thing you'd notice about me.
I mean, first, I'm tall.
Second, I'm very friendly, and then maybe you'd notice that I'm slightly overweight.
[HE LAUGHS.]
Slightly! So, what's it's been like coming back after, you know? After Canada? After you got busted for trying to bang that French girl in the office.
I didn't do anything like that.
- And how do you? - Oh, no.
Everyone here knows you got suspended for sexual misconduct.
It was a fucking mutually-agreed leave of absence and a misunderstanding, all right? Keep your voice down.
Bobby, the cat's out of the bag on this one, mate.
You might as well make lemonade.
[HE LAUGHS.]
No? Where are you going? I've got going to let the baby-sitter go.
I'd wait half an hour before I fucked Harita! This happens all the time.
I mean, I get looked over every time.
I'm a good daughter.
I send Father's Day cards.
I buy the birthday presents.
Do you know how he knows when your birthday is? Because I fucking tell him.
I'm the oldest child.
I'm the first-born.
Dad's known me four more years than he's known Fergal.
Maybe he was writing yours and then he had a stroke in the middle of it.
Yeah, maybe.
But why did he write yours first? My letter should have come first.
What if the last letter Dad ever writes is to Fergal? - You're being ridiculous.
- No, I'm not.
What's ridiculous is this family not acknowledging the truth.
Mum, what I think Sharon is trying to say is we can't handle the truth.
- Oh, fuck off, Fergal.
- No, you calm down.
I am calm, but this is bullshit.
Do you know how it feels to play second fiddle - to that prick all my life? - Hang on Do you have any idea what that does to your confidence? Do you know how many terrible men I've had to sleep with because Dad loves that asshole more than me? Not not many, actually, but, you know, this is really upsetting.
I'm really upset.
And where's all the? Where's all the photos of me and my kids? There's just Fergal's everywhere.
It's Fergal, Fergal, Fergal.
It's like a fucking Fergal shrine in here.
My hand's in that photo and that's it.
Actually, I don't think that is your hand.
You weren't there that day.
You don't send me any photos.
Mum, I constantly e-mail you photos of me and the kids.
What am I supposed to do with those? Fergal sends me photographs already framed.
What? Oh, my God.
You're a psychopath.
You don't send a 65-year-old with dial-up a bunch of JPEGs.
That's like asking a fucking haddock to do a suduki.
Sudoku.
Whatever the fuck.
Is it because he's the son? Does that make him more important? I'm going to let you get this out of your system and go and check on Des.
Or is it because he embezzled money from my husband? Rob lent me money and I'm paying him back.
Or is it because you're so proud of his bags since his actual business went under? Or is it because he left his wife because he's scared of Spain? Mum, I didn't tell you about the business because I didn't want you to worry about me.
I want you to be proud of me.
I told Sharon because I don't care what she thinks.
And that stuff about Mallandra, I mean, that was just I didn't mean any of that, you know? Dad getting sick has changed everything.
I'm going back to Spain.
I just want to sell man bags and be a good dad.
Well, it's all out in the open now.
I am proud of you.
I always will be.
He's got drugs hidden under the floorboards in his bedroom.
Sorry I'm late.
Do you have my wallet? No.
I have it.
You're giving me - you've given me too much.
- Mm.
- You all right? - No.
- I'm going to throw up.
- Don't lie down.
It's fine.
I'm just going to relax a little bit and do it later.
Do you still need me tomorrow? Rob? Did you make pancakes? Smells, like, fucking good.
No.
Look, Moirin's not long gone to sleep, so just keep an ear out, yeah? [BABY CRIES.]
[SHE SIGHS.]
Don't worry, you slept there, I slept in Moirin's room.
Right, so the money you overpaid me last night just about covers me staying over.
I'll see you later.
You should have a shower or walk through a car wash or summit.
You really smell.
[HE SNIFFS.]
Do you want a cup of tea? Great.
I'll have one too.
I'm sorry.
[KNOCKING.]
How do you know where I live? I've dropped you off here, like, 25 times.
All right, fair enough.
What do you want? You left these in Moirin's room last night.
All right.
- Thanks.
- Listen, I'm really sorry about last night.
And I'm not telling you not to tell Sharon I ain't telling Sharon.
You think she fucking won't kill the messenger? Right.
And, look, um, this isn't a bribe, um, or a payoff, it's just a way to say thank you for I mean, what you did last night was I mean, I always thought you were a fine baby-sitter, but now I know.
I can't feel sorry for you.
You know I missed a date cos of you last night? Oh! I'm really sorry.
I mean, you can always go around there now, maybe? Can I? Or do you think his girlfriend's around there now? I'm sorry.
I Daddy? [KNOCKING.]
I need help.
How did you know? How did I know what? He's dead.
He died.
Fergal?! Dad.
My dad.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, honey.
MUSIC: Catastrophe Theme by Oli Julian