Catastrophe (2015) s03e06 Episode Script

1 Why didn't I get a fucking letter? You're spending a fair amount of time in MY house with MY son, and I don't care for it.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Och aye the noo! I'm sorry.
Are you serious? What? - Take it off.
- No.
- What's wrong with it? - What's wrong with it? It's a turtleneck.
All my ties are in Spain.
If I wear a jacket and a shirt without a tie, I'll just look like Ahmadinejad.
- He's handsome.
- No, he isn't.
Where did you even find a turtleneck, anyway? - It's one of Dad's.
- So bury it with him.
Anybody need to empty the tank before we go? Hey.
Hey! Can you bend your knees or something? - What? - Just try and stoop down a little.
- It's just hard to - Sure, yeah.
You look lovely.
You should wear black more often.
I wear it a lot now, but thanks.
You look like a motorcycle assassin.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
OK, that's enough now.
Now is the hard time, but it's supposed to be hard.
When I lost Chris, I thought I would never Point is, it gets easier.
I'm here for you.
How are you holding up? What do you mean by that? I mean, is my friend, Rob, OK? Yeah, I'm OK, because the situation dictates that I be OK.
My wife just lost her father, and I'm rising to the challenge cos I'm not a fucking wino who lives under a bridge like you think I am.
Are you sure? Because a Metropolitan Police report had a Bigfoot-type shovelling McNuggets into his gob under the Vauxhall bypass.
Room for one more? Mia, I think your car is - There's a space.
- Yeah, but Rob is going to I think Rob can I'm just going to, er I forgot my wreath.
I'll just That guy, farmer's face, you know, the one with the rosacea, cauliflower nose? - Frank.
- Whatever.
You need to know that that display had nothing to do with Des and everything to do with getting into your pants.
You've still got it.
It was really nice of you guys to come over.
Well, we were in the neighbourhood, so - How are you feeling? - Yeah, good.
Well, obviously I'm not good, I'm fucking terrible.
My dad's dead.
But there's just been too much going on to be I don't think it's weird that I'm not feeling sad yet, is it? I mean, there's been a lot of organising the funeral and keeping an eye on Mum and getting the sandwiches.
I took care of the sandwiches.
Oh.
Great.
[SOBBING.]
- Sorry! - No, it's OK.
I'm glad someone's crying.
It's just funerals.
They bring everything up to the surface, you know.
[SHE BLOWS HER NOSE.]
Sorry.
Douglas dumped me, just out of the blue.
He just evaporated.
I looked it up.
It's called ghosting.
Started in California.
It's when Yeah, I know what it is.
It just seems like everything is terrible for everyone right now.
I thought a few more of your exes might show their faces today.
Connor Byrne, at least.
He was almost part of the family once.
- No, he wasn't.
- May he rest in peace.
What? Connor Byrne's dead? That's terrible.
He fingered me the night before my leaving certificate, then told everyone that was why I passed.
He knew what he was doing, though, for such a young lad.
- How did he die? - I don't know.
I mean if I was to guess, I'd say - heart disease.
- Or finger cancer.
- Hey.
- Hey, can you talk? Actually, I'm in the middle of a Listen, I think I might have made a mistake.
I offered Catherine money not to have the baby.
Oh, Jesus.
I want the baby to be happy, so I thought the best way to do that would be for it to not be born.
Wow.
What did she say to that? She said "Get out of my Range Rover".
Well, you know how women don't want men telling them they CAN'T have an abortion? I don't think they like you to encourage them to have one either.
Yeah.
I'm pretty sure I've done the wrong thing.
Listen, I've got to go.
I'm at Sharon's Dad's funeral.
What? Oh, my God, that's so sad.
I'm so sorry.
Could you give me the address so I can send an edible arrangement or something? I don't know the address.
It's Ireland.
The houses don't have numbers.
It's the one by the limestone jutting out of the bog on, I don't know, fucking Dingleberry Lane.
- Hey.
- Who was that? Sorry.
Dave.
He sends his love.
[MOBILE BEEPS.]
- - For fuck's sake.
- God love him.
- No disrespect to your mother.
We have to get that woman away from Mum.
She's too weak to help herself.
Ah.
So this is where it all began.
- What? - Riverdance.
What a lovely song your cousin sang.
Yeah.
I mean, it went on a bit, but, yeah.
Do you think he wrote it special? I think Tracy Chapman wrote it special, but it was lovely nonetheless.
Do you want to go in? I'll take her in.
I'm right behind you.
Save me a seat.
Honey, I know it's a busy day, but if things settle down a bit later, could you maybe run me out to a shop to get a couple of those nice Irish wool sweaters they have here? You know, the big, thick, fisherman ones.
- You know the ones I mean? - My dad's dead.
Why am I not more upset? - You are upset.
- Not enough.
When you found out that kid you went to summer camp with died, you barely got out of bed.
I had to slap you around.
This is my dad.
It isn't some kid you showed your dick to once.
I spent my summers with him.
Yeah, two summers.
You cried until you threw up.
Is that what you're supposed to do? What's wrong with me? I know I CAN cry.
I cried last week in the bank when that woman told me my bag was messy.
Look, our emotions are weird, OK? That's why they're emotions.
There's no playbook on how to grieve.
I want to be sadder.
He fucking died 20 minutes ago.
Don't be sad that you're not sad now.
You're going to unfold.
You're going to spend time on the floor.
- Do you promise? - I promise.
The last thought I had about him was that he was a bad dad.
And he wasn't.
He was a great, complicated, grumpy, pain in the hole, great dad and If I could just have had one weekend with him, I think we could have sorted a lot of our shit out.
Fuck it, not even a weekend, an afternoon or a lunch with no kids around.
I wasn't done with him.
That's not a boner, is it? I'm so sorry.
For fuck's sake.
Bye, girls.
- Take care of yourself.
- You too.
I'm going to take the fastest pee in the world, and I'll be right back.
OK.
Do you want me to tell her to go? I'll just tell her to go.
- What do you mean? - Well, if you don't want her here, we just have to tell her to go.
Why? She makes me laugh, and she does the dishes after every meal.
If she wants to be here, then I want her here.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
I'm not ready to be on my own.
Bye.
Take care.
Here.
Don't open it now.
OK.
Is it a cheque for £8,000? - Asshole.
- Prick.
Have fun in Espana.
Bye! Bye! What the fuck is going on? It's sweet.
Wait, what if they fall in love and get married? Would that mean we'd be brother and sister? - Are you OK with that? - I suppose.
I don't think I'm ever going to have sex again, anyway.
Seems like a silly thing to be all "uh, uh, uh" after everything.
Well, that's a pretty big decision.
You might want to chat with your brother first.
[HE SIGHS.]
[MOBILE PHONE RINGS.]
Hey.
- You OK? - Yeah, just - Are YOU OK? - Yeah.
I'm just lying in the back of Melissa's car.
It's a bit smelly.
It's not as smelly as our car, but it smells like lemon grass and burger meat.
It's not a bad smell, I just wonder if she cooks in here or something.
Why are you in Melissa's car? Oh, I just can't handle being around anyone right now.
It's all right, I had a free period.
I didn't run out of the classroom screaming.
You OK? - Why did you call? - I just wanted to say hi.
Do you want to watch some Better Call Sauls tonight, and I'll brush your hair? - Sure.
- OK.
- Bye.
- Bye.
All right, all right.
Just clearing some shit out of my house.
Have a nice day.
And correct me if I'm wrong.
You are a 48-year-old man.
Do you think that it's adult behaviour to maybe I've lost my mind, but it seemed to me that WE were in a relationship.
No, you're right about all those things.
I am 48.
Well, will be for a few more weeks.
And we were in a relationship.
So what happened, then? We had something.
And the sex was All of it was I have never enjoyed (blow jobs) like I did with you.
Before you, it was always, you know, just a bit more of an obligation.
But I loved it with you.
The chemistry of us was It just felt right in my mouth.
Look, Fran, I don't know.
Your son doesn't like me.
I'm not mad about him.
I don't like your husband.
He's my ex-husband.
Are you sure about that? You don't know about the little visit he paid me.
Quite the menacing little twat.
Anyway, it worked.
- I'm out.
- He what?! If it's the sex you miss, go and have sex with someone else.
I don't have a black belt in it.
I didn't invent getting my dick sucked.
Oh, I tried to call, but I dropped my phone in Carol's sink, and now all it'll do is camera and Angry Birds.
Could you take me to Carphone Warehouse later? - Yeah.
- I got to use the bathroom.
I thought you were staying with Carol? Oh, I had to get out of there.
It's too cold.
We cut up some peat and threw it on a fire.
I wouldn't be surprised if Des froze to death.
I had to wear three coats.
I looked like Nanook Of The North.
Anyway, I feel like I gave it the good old college try, you know? I set her on a good path, I think.
Carol is not going to be alone for that long.
Have you seen her ass? I mean, for a woman her age? How did Sharon get such a bony ass? Fran.
Ow! Hey! Your mother is a pricktease.
OK.
She gets my mother all juiced up for company and then she just up and - splits.
- Are you sure your mom's upset? Did you ask her? My mum's not going to tell me if she's upset.
She's a martyr.
If she tells you she's not upset, she's definitely upset.
If she tells you she's grand, then you know she's fine.
Do you want me to tell my mom to go back there? Well, that would be bizarre.
No, I just want you to know that I don't like what she did.
- Oh.
OK.
- And what's up with all the whistling? When did she become a whistler? Do you want me to tell her to stop whistling? I wouldn't mind if she was whistling something decent.
It's just fucking I don't want to hear that shit.
Practise, and then whistle me something decent.
Bring me the finished product.
You'd think someone that old would have a hard time thinking of new ways for you to hate them.
- How long's she staying? - I don't know.
She was buying stuff online earlier to be delivered to our house.
- It doesn't feel like a short visit.
- I wouldn't worry about that.
If she's drawing breath, she's ordering stuff online.
For her, it's not about receiving the stuff, it's about Hitting the order button and getting the buzz, like a junkie.
Oh.
- Thank you.
- For what? Just for letting me lay into your mother.
I like a lot of things about you, but that is up there.
That is near the top.
Well, the things I hate about her are set in stone.
So what you say, I listen to, but that's never going to be as bad as what I know about her.
Well, thank you anyway.
- We're OK, aren't we? - Yeah, what do you mean? I don't know, it's just been a tough year so far and you're so great about the, you know, all the shit with me and - that You know.
- Yeah.
And you going back to Braeband when I know you hate it there, but you're doing it for us.
I just I think you're a really good person.
- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.
You're a good husband and a good dad and for a little while, after you shower, you even smell good.
I love you.
Oh.
Did you have a nightmare? What's the matter, honey? A few months ago, I started drinking again.
Nothing terrible has happened, but I feel like shit.
I need help, and I wanted to tell Sharon, but then Des died, so I couldn't and I know it would be a really bad thing to drink right now, but I want to.
A lot.
Fucking drinking again? You can't drink! I know! - Jesus - No.
You don't know.
You never could drink.
Why would it be any different now? You're just like your father.
What the fuck does that have to do with it? You know how my jaw always clicks, you know, when I eat steak? It's cos your father broke it.
- That's why I kicked him out.
- Jesus! Mum, why didn't you tell me? Why would my little boy need to know that his daddy got drunk and punched his mommy in the head? You put a plug in the jug, mister, because if you ever hit Sharon I'll fucking kill you.
I'm not going to hit her.
Oh, please.
Your being drunk and her being as annoying as she is You're going to hit her.
[MOBILE PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, what's up? Oh, nothing, just checking in, see how you're coping.
Really? Well, I'm totally fucking fine.
Turns out losing your dad isn't hard at all.
Would you like to talk about it over a drink? Not really.
I can make it easy for you, meet you at your local.
I'm here now, as it goes.
Well, Rob's out and I feel bad leaving Mia on her own.
Want to do it another time? - OK.
- I'll talk to you.
Bye.
Do you have O? - What? - The Oprah Winfrey Network? I don't know, Mia.
There's, like, 700 channels.
Might be in there.
Hunt around.
Wait, never mind, I just found my favourite show, My Children Are Schizophrenic.
So great.
Can you imagine you have the one kid that's schizophrenic and then you say, "Let's roll the dice and have another kid", "like a friend for that one," and that one's schizophrenic also, so they buy the apartment or the house next door Fran? with the disability and everything, it is great TV.
- - OK, ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time that we get this meeting started, if you could take your seats, please.
We'll just hang on for a few stragglers.
I'm going to start volunteering at the local hospital, get a sensible haircut, buy a couple of vibrators.
Maybe get one of those with the wee dangly thing that tickles the Anyway.
That's it now, I'm out.
I'm 46 next birthday, so it was going to happen sooner or later.
Oh, Christ.
Look, I'm too tired to be blowing smoke up your arsehole, but that is too young to be putting yourself out to pasture, you know? I've seen you in yoga pants.
You still have something to offer.
I'm just so horny! I know, honey.
I mean the taste of him, - it's like it's like - I'm going to piss.
Aye.
She's broken.
I don't think she'll ever get over this one.
No tincture in the land can save her now.
Upon reflection, though, if Fran wanted to be with a cunt I should have let her be with a cunt.
Mm.
Plus, your nose is fucked up.
I don't care about my nose, I care about my son.
And, I have vestigial feelings for the woman I made him with.
That's what being a dad is.
Something you'll soon learn.
Yeah.
I'm excited.
I've decided I'm going to hire a couple of nannies, and just be more of a benevolent figure in the background.
Like a nice guy he knows, but who won't shape his personality.
I mean, yeah, he'll have my shitty genes, but nature/nurture, I mean the jury's out.
No, the jury's in, they both matter.
I-I'm totally scared.
Why shouldn't you be scared? Who are you, that you don't need to be scared? If you're alive, you SHOULD be scared sometimes, the world's a fucking slaughterhouse.
I'M scared.
Really glad I came out with you guys.
Tell you what, though.
You'll feel a love you've never felt before.
Even for cocaine.
- What about heroin? - I don't know, I've never tried heroin.
You've never tried heroin?! - I'm done feeding.
- I'm going to go to sleep.
Bye.
How have you never tried heroin? I thought you're from "Glas-goww".
[EMPTY TOILET ROLL RATTLES.]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
[SHE SIGHS.]
[SHE SOBS.]
[FRAN SNIFFS.]
It's going to be all right.
Are you OK? I'm grand.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hey Can you can you come and get me? Can you not get a taxi? What? Hang on a second, there's a man here who wants to have a quick word with you.
Hold on a second.
[PUTTING ON DEEP VOICE.]
: Sir, your wife is very drunk.
We've had to remove her from our establishment, so now she's out on the streets like rubbish.
So come and get your rubbish and take it home and you know, make love to it.
OK.
Tell her I'm on my way.
[IN HER OWN VOICE.]
: OK.
Oh, no, wait - she looks like she's headed into a Nando's.
It was brilliant, I cried a lot and then I threw up on the window of a Pret.
- Well, that's great, honey.
- I know.
I cried for, like, an hour.
I think I was worried because I I've never lost anyone I really loved before.
Don't ever leave me.
I won't.
Because I'm never going to leave you.
And it's not even because I love you, I just I mean, I do, but there's a working part missing now, YOU took it out, or something and now I just don't work without you.
I'm 100% reliant on you.
OK? Is that sexy? Is that sexy? I I don't know.
But that's how I feel.
Do you want to put your hand up my skirt? Sure.
Come on Get in there! [SHE LAUGHS.]
Listen.
I need to Hang on.
Cos I need pizza.
Well Jesus, don't go in there, let me make you something at home.
No, cos I want something disgusting, you know, with the little pepperonis that are all curled up like oil cups and the oil's all, you know yellow.
LIKE COLDPLAY: The oil's all yellow! All right, let let me pull over.
No, it's fine, it's fine.
- Christ's sake! - [HORNS HONK.]
Jesus! Fucking open your eyes! - [BLAST FROM BUS HORN.]
- Oh, my God! Open your fucking eyes! Fuck! [HORNS HONK.]
Shut the fuck up! [HORN BLASTS.]
Give me a fucking second Goddammit [SCREECH OF TYRES.]
Oh, my God Oh, my God.
Rob! Rob! Rob! What happened? Are you OK? I'm going to get help.
Fuck! Are the police coming? What? I dunno I think it's an ambulance.
They're going to give me a breathalyser.
What? What? I'm not going to pass it.
What? I'm sorry.
[SIREN WAILS.]
[HE SNIFFS.]
MUSIC: Inner Light by Angels & Agony