Catch-22 (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[BIRDS TWITTERING.]
ORR: Hey, Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo.
Holy moly.
You won't believe what happened.
Oh, I think I will.
I heard you got everybody out.
Six of us on the inflatable, so I tucked 'em in, made 'em a little tea, and read 'em a bedtime story.
Nately's dead.
Holy shit.
Yo-Yo, that ain't right.
What happened? I took us back around He didn't he didn't die the first time, but it found him the second time.
And well, if I hadn't gone back, I wouldn't I wouldn't have found him.
ORR: No, you didn't kill him.
He died because there's men down there shooting at us.
Dunbar's gone.
Clevinger's gone.
Kid Sampson's gone.
McWatt's gone.
Now Nately's gone.
For a minute there I thought it was just gonna be me and Aarfy.
[CHUCKLES.]
I wouldn't do that to you, buddy.
Yeah, I know.
CATHCART: Twice.
Why goddamn twice? I missed it the first time.
- You missed it.
- Yes, sir.
That's why I went back.
You didn't miss it.
You didn't even drop your bombs.
11 planes were relying on you, when clearly they shouldn't have.
So then they panicked.
And dropped 44,000 pounds of bombs on goddamn nothing.
KORN: We give you a $6,000 bombsight and apparently you don't wanna look through it.
Oh, and you lost your tail-gunner.
Nice fucking flying, soldier.
Do you have any idea how much each 500 pound bomb is worth? - I do not, sir.
- Well, neither do I, but they don't grow on trees.
I took out the bridge, sir.
The bridge is gone, that was the objective.
It was a goddamn thorn in our side, that bridge.
So what to do now? KORN: We punish the hell out of him.
Well, you goddamn right we punish the hell out of him.
Although, if we punish him, we'd be admitting something went wrong.
Something did go wrong, they lost a goddamn tail gunner.
What I mean to say, sir, is that if we punish him, that would be sending a message that the mission didn't go right.
We don't want that.
The mission did go right.
Exactly.
So what to do? We could give him a medal.
What would we give him a goddamn medal for? For going around twice.
Well, I suppose it did take some courage to go around the target twice, and he did hit the target.
[WHISPERING.]
This is good, this is very good, act boastful about something we should be ashamed of.
That's a tremendous idea, sir.
That's good, very good.
And we'll make him a captain, too.
Do we need to do that? Well, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it with gusto, Korn.
Besides, what's a goddamn captain anyway? Lieutenant, you'll be pleased to know that we have made the decision to promote you to the rank of captain.
Uh - O-Okay.
- Effective immediately.
Colonel Korn, here, organize a medal ceremony.
- KORN: Yes, sir.
- We've got a brave man here.
- Thank you, sir.
- And we wish we had more like you.
YOSSARIAN: Thank you, sir.
Uh, sir? If I may, sir? I wonder you see, my friend Nately, the tail-gunner who died, was engaged to be married.
And his fiancée, as you can understand, will take the news very hard.
And your point is? Well, I'd like to apply for a 48-hour leave, sir.
If I may, given the circumstances.
I'd like to go to Rome and inform Nately's fiancée of the terrible news.
"Fiancée," that's rich.
You mean the whore? Her name is Clara.
CATHCART: Let me see if I get this straight.
We give you a promotion of the rank of captain, we're gonna give you a medal, and you wanna go to Rome to see a whore? To see my dead friend Nately's bereaved fiancée.
Yes, sir.
Who is a whore.
YOSSARIAN: I was set to be best man, sir.
And so I'm formally requesting permission, sir CATHCART: Yes, yes, yes.
I understand.
Permission denied.
Dismissed.
[CHEERFUL JAZZ MUSIC.]
Boys, I'm looking for Milo.
- LORENZO: Signore Milo? - Yeah, Milo.
Where is he? Signore Milo no is here.
He's in Barcelona, España.
YOSSARIAN: España.
He's in Spain? Si, si, "Spain.
" [SIGHS.]
LORENZO: Can we help you with something? [JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES.]
YOSSARIAN: Aarfy.
- AARFY: Hello, John.
- What are you doing here? AARFY: You know, the usual.
- I didn't know you had leave.
- Yeah, I have leave.
Why? What are you doing? You wanna do something? Maybe later.
I'm gonna go find Nately's girlfriend.
Oh, good for you.
You're like a rabbit.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
Hello? [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING DISTANTLY.]
MICHAELA: Signore? There she is.
[JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Good girl.
Why don't you stay and have a drink with me? Che cosa? AARFY: A drink.
It's after 7:00.
Have a drink.
No, grazie, no.
You'll join me.
It's all right.
[DOGS BARKING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[MAN MUTTERING IN ITALIAN.]
[JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES.]
AARFY: You're much prettier than you look at first.
You know that? And you have wonderful hair.
Hair.
Your hair is lovely.
And that pretty little apron.
[SCRAPING.]
Would you like to dance with me? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
Hello? Hi.
You know it's after curfew.
You shouldn't be out.
Do you know what I mean, "curfew"? Honey, I wish I could understand you.
You know, I'm looking for your sister, Clara.
Sorella, that's right.
Sister, right.
Where's your sister? Where where is Clara? Look, I wanted to You see, I wanted to give this to her.
It's from Nately, and he's not Uh Well, he's not coming back.
Can can you take me to her to give that to her? Honey, I wish I could understand you.
I what? No, no, no, no.
Honey, no.
You don't no, just your sister.
I'm just looking for oh, fuck.
Okay, all right.
Look, and as you keep this.
All right? This is yours.
Okay? You keep it or sell it.
Just do what you gotta do.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[DOGS BARKING.]
[GRAMOPHONE SCRAPING.]
- No.
- AARFY: [GRUNTS.]
- No.
- AARFY: Yeah.
- You're fine.
You're fine.
- MICHAELA: Per favore, lasciami.
- AARFY: Don't struggle with me.
- Lasciami, lasciami! Lasciami! [MENACING MUSIC.]
[GRAMOPHONE SCRAPING.]
[CROWD SHOUTING.]
[DOG BARKING.]
[SCRAPING.]
[CROWD SHOUTING AND DOG BARKING CONTINUES.]
[DOG WHINES.]
[DOG GROWLING.]
[DOG WHINING AND SQUEALING, MEN SHOUTING.]
[SCRAPING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
WOMAN: [WHIMPERING.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[EXHALES.]
[PANTS.]
Come on! [PANTING.]
You killed her, Aarfy.
You killed her! Oh, Yossarian, don't be ridiculous.
Come on now.
Aarfy, you fucking murdered her! You murdered the girl, and they're gonna put you in jail! They're not gonna put good old Aarfy in jail.
[SIREN WAILING.]
YOSSARIAN: [PANTING.]
Do you hear that, you piece of shit? They're coming for you.
[VEHICLES RUMBLE.]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
You're a fucking monster.
Hey, he's up here! [PANTING.]
He killed that girl.
He raped her.
OFFICER: John Yossarian? Sorry? OFFICER: Which one of you is John Yossarian? That's me.
"John Yossarian, on the orders of Colonel Cathcart, "I hereby arrest you in the name of the 27th Air Corps of the United States Army" - No.
- " That you did knowingly "abandon your duties on the island of Pianosa, "taking leave without permission, in direct breach of Article 21:2:7 of the Military Code" [SPEECH FADES.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
" without said leave.
" That girl is dead down there.
OFFICER: What happened to the girl? He threw her out of the window.
He raped her, and he threw her out of it.
Jesus Christ.
She's an Italian civilian.
It's a civilian matter.
This is a military matter.
Uh [PLANE ENGINE DRONING.]
Hello? [PEEING.]
[METALLIC SQUEAKING.]
- MAN: [SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
- YOSSARIAN: Hello? Hello! Hey! - LORENZO: Hello, Mister Yo-Yo.
- Hey.
Yeah.
Hey, what's going on, fellas? Why you are here? Is a Green Zone.
You can no be here.
- Can you call Milo? - You can no get out? No, I can't get out.
I'm in jail.
Can you get Milo for me? - Mamma mia! - YOSSARIAN: No "mamma mia.
" Hey! Hey, you guys got any food? [GROANS.]
Planning our great escape, are we, Captain? You like to make our lives difficult, don't you? [VEHICLES RUMBLING.]
It has come to our attention that there has been an unfortunate incident.
Hmm? Last night.
In Rome.
An unfortunate accident.
It wasn't an accident.
CATHCART: We understand that in the heat of the tragedy, you made some very strong accusations.
But we understand that tragedy can inflame the senses, play tricks on the mind.
Hmm? And she died such a senseless death.
And unfortunate accident, cleaning those windows at night.
- He raped and murdered her.
- CATHCART: Let me make one thing clear.
We simply will not tolerate any form of behavior that tarnishes the reputation of the 57th Bomb Wing.
An investigation into an officer of our own, an officer of upstanding reputation with an unblemished record on sanctioned leave, during a tour of duty, would be a detriment to the war effort.
And that which is a detriment to the war effort, is a detriment to the free world, by which I mean America.
Well you mean, a detriment to you.
[VEHICLE ROARS BY.]
Drop it, son.
Drop it, and we can forget this whole kerfuffle.
Do you hear what I'm saying, Captain? Drop it, and you won't have to fly any more missions.
We can do that.
Can't we? And you'll do it.
That's an order.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
[KEYS JINGLING.]
MILO: Yo-Yo, what are you doing here? Milo, is that you? MILO: Colonel Cathcart, sir, you can't be here.
Sir, this is one of the designated areas.
Speak English! MILO: This is a Green Zone, sir.
It's one of the designated areas.
[SIREN BLARING.]
Good God.
MILO: Palarmi, palarmi, palarmi! LORENZO: Quattro, quattro.
Okay, we have four minutes to be very far away, sir.
You gotta get him out of here.
- What's going on? - Well, I don't have a key.
- Korn.
- I don't have keys, sir.
MILO: Shit.
Hang on.
- Come on.
- MILO: This one.
This one.
- LORENZO: Okay, quickly now.
- MILO: All right, follow me.
[SIREN CONTINUES BLARING.]
[DISTANT SHOUTING.]
[LEONARDO AND LORENZO SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
MILO: Flying Fish.
Flying Fish, this is Papa Bear.
Let there be light.
[LIGHTS BOOM ON.]
[AIRCRAFTS ROARING OVER.]
Milo, what is this? [ROARING CONTINUES.]
Milo, those are German bombers! Those are Heinkel One-Elevens! You're right.
LORENZO: Si, Signore Milo, we're gonna die! Okay, we gotta go.
We gotta go! LORENZO: Se non muoviamo morirai, morirai.
Okay, si.
Si, si, si, in continuo movimento.
- [ENGINE TURNING.]
- Comportare, comportare.
- YOSSARIAN: Go, Milo! - Come on, step on it! Milo, for Christ's sake! Start the goddamn jeep! That's an order! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING, ENGINE GRINDS, TURNS OVER.]
YOSSARIAN: Drive, you fucking idiot! Whoo! [EXPLOSION BOOMS.]
YOSSARIAN: Milo, those are our planes.
Yeah, we're losing 22, we're keeping 58.
As the head of M&M Enterprises, I have to make compromises sometimes.
I have to balance the competing market interests of our different territories.
Those territories are ultimately part of the syndicate, of course.
But sometimes you have to rob Peter to pay Paul to keep everybody happy.
- Wow.
- I know, right? Took us three days of round-tabling in Lausanne to nut out the details of this one.
Next week we're taking out their fuel depot in Windischeschenbach.
- Windischeschenbach.
- Balancing the books.
[BLASTING.]
[EXPLOSION BOOMS.]
[AIRCRAFTS ROARING.]
Stingray 2, this is Papa Bear.
Bring the Two formation back around.
[BLASTS.]
Holy Moses.
Okay, I've seen enough, Milo.
Excellent work.
Good job.
Korn, let's go.
Let's head up to the tower.
It's the safest place on the base.
No one touches the control towers, that was non-negotiable.
Lorenzo, Leonardo, [SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
the Jeep.
[AIRPLANES ROARING.]
[BOOMING.]
Ain't it beautiful? What does this look like to you? YOSSARIAN: The apocalypse.
Reconstruction.
Replacement parts.
The army has to get them from somewhere, right? Who's got access to everything they need? - You.
- No, the syndicate.
You know you're a shareholder in all this.
So you keep telling me.
I wanna make you a partner, a full partner.
- What does that mean? - MILO: Means weekly dividends, quarterly bonuses, annual fishing trips.
All this will be over one day, but M&M will live on, right through to your retirement plan.
Thank you, Milo.
That's very generous.
You're my best friend.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[VEHICLES RUMBLING.]
[DEBRIS CLATTERING.]
[SPARKS CRACKLING.]
[AIRPLANE ROARING.]
Ciao! What in God's green earth is this? Bomba.
Many, many bomba.
SUE ANNE: So you got what you wished for.
Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.
Do you do you ever think that you can just leave? - Me? - Yeah.
- Can can you do that? - Just leave? YOSSARIAN: Yeah, go home.
I signed up.
CATHCART: Sir, I'm very sorry.
We did not know you were coming.
There was a miscommunication.
We were attacked last night.
- By who? - The enemy, sir.
Of course it was the enemy.
Which enemy? - CATHCART: The Germans, sir.
- Of course it was the Germans.
It'd hardly be the Japanese, now, would it? I don't understand the question, sir.
SCHEISSKOPF: How many men did we lose? - None, sir.
- None? Well, we were very lucky, sir.
How many of theirs did we take down? None, sir.
None? We were very unlucky, sir.
Very unlucky.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, what's shakin'? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey.
Where's Yossarian? Oh, he's not coming, he's going home.
- He's going home? - Yep.
How? I don't know.
That's what he said.
How was Rome? KORN: [WHISTLES.]
All right.
That's enough.
I said that's enough.
Gentlemen, before we get down to business today, I have an important introduction to make.
We are privileged to welcome into our midst a man who in fact needs no introduction, General Scheisskopf, who is now Head of Operations for the entire Mediterranean Theater.
And it is our honor that he will be running the show, so to speak, from this here facility right here on Pianosa.
Now, he will not be running this base, let me make that very clear.
That solemn duty remains mine.
You'll be pleased to know that General Scheisskopf has bigger fish - to fry - Thank you, Colonel, I'll be brief.
Although Colonel Cathcart is indeed correct that I will be running the entire Mediterranean operation, he is wrong when he says I will not be running this base.
Anyone who knows me knows I simply just can't help myself.
And from what I've seen thus far, we got a lot of work to do.
Dismiss the men.
[INTIMIDATING MUSIC.]
Dismissed! Yo-yo! Are you ready for this? I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Guess who was at the briefing.
- Who? - ORR: Guess.
- Who? - Scheisskopf.
Jesus.
Why? ORR: He's running the whole fucking show.
- What show? - The whole Mediterranean Theater.
Scheisskopf.
And he's going to be based here in Pianosa.
That is that is not even humanly possible.
- Are you yanking my chain? - He's here, Yo-Yo.
He's fucking here.
[JAZZY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Hello, sir.
Ah, Captain Yossarian, I have your paperwork here somewhere.
Well, that's uh, that's great, sir.
That's really terrific news.
- What's happening here? - KORN: Ah, here it is.
I think you'll find this all in order.
Now, let's get you on the first plane out of here, huh? Uh, yes, sir, let's.
These just need Colonel Cathcart's signature, and we're done.
Okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
CATHCART: The Group Leaders' Allocations and Requisitions SCHEISSKOPF: You can deal with the allocations and requisitions, Colonel.
I will be busy with the bigger picture.
CATHCART: Of course, sir.
On Thursdays Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to interrupt.
What is it, Korn? KORN: I have Yossarian's discharge papers here.
They just need your signature.
CATHCART: Oh, yes, of course.
Um What was that? I just require the Colonel's signature on some SCHEISSKOPF: The name.
What was the name? Yossarian, sir.
Yossarian.
SCHEISSKOPF: [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I've flown my missions, sir.
How many missions have you flown? YOSSARIAN: 51, sir.
What's the mission quota, Colonel? 55, sir.
You haven't flown your missions.
I had back when the target was 50, sir.
SCHEISSKOPF: Well, target isn't 50, is it, Captain? It's 55.
Well, it is now, sir, but it wasn't back when I flew 50.
Well, if you'd flown 50 back when it was 50, then you wouldn't be standing here, would you? There was a hold up with my paperwork, sir.
SCHEISSKOPF: The mission quota is 55, you've flown 51.
Therefore, you still have missions to fly.
This base was attacked last night, Captain.
I'm sure you can appreciate that we require the service of all able-bodied fliers.
Sir, if I may, Colonel Cathcart and I had a deal.
Mm-hmm.
What kind of a deal? It was to do with a Roman operation, sir.
Hmm? Um Um, sir, Captain Yossarian was instrumental, sir, in a covert Roman operation.
SCHEISSKOPF: Good for you, Captain.
That's tremendous.
The mission quota is 55, you've flown 51.
Good luck with the next four.
[STAMMERS.]
General, sir, as I'm sure the colonel will agree, our deal is unbreakable.
[RAPID BREATHING.]
- With all due respect, sir - [GRUNTS SOFTLY.]
The deal between the Captain and I was fairly rock solid, sir.
- That's correct, General.
- And yet, this so called deal, called deal, it wasn't with me, was it? - No, sir.
- Not technically, sir.
So technically, it doesn't exist? It does exist, sir.
55 minus 51 equals 4.
Dismissed, Captain.
I said dismissed, Captain.
Get the hell out of my office.
Oh, and John My wife sends her regards.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Hey, Yo-Yo! Guess what plane they just assigned me to? I'm your good luck charm at last.
[VEHICLES RUMBLING.]
Hey, buddy.
- I'm gonna fucking kill you! - ORR: Yo-Yo! - I'll kill you! - ORR: Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo! YOSSARIAN: I'll kill you! I'll kill you! [PLANE ENGINES DRONING.]
[GUNFIRE THUNDERING.]
Buckle up, fellas, here come the fireworks.
[GUNFIRE CRACKING.]
AARFY: Hold steady, 276.
YOSSARIAN: 276, holding steady.
Adjusting for drift three degrees.
AARFY: Roger that, three degrees.
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES.]
Closing in on target, 30 seconds to run.
30 seconds.
[BOOMING.]
Oh, fuck! Oh! AARFY: 20 seconds to target.
- [AGONIZED YELL.]
- The fuck is wrong with him? Fuck! I've been hit! AARFY: Yossarian, you ready? Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh! God! Help! [YELLING IN AGONY.]
Oh, shit.
- Yo-Yo? - I've lost my balls! Oh, shit! Oh! Oh, fuck! I think I've lost my balls! Oh, I think I lost my fucking balls! [ENGINES DRONING.]
Orr, what the fuck are you doing? [MOANS.]
Fucking shit.
[YELLS.]
[BOOMS.]
ORR: Okay, left engine's on fire.
Yeah, the right engine's rough, too.
Okay, that's both engines.
We're going down, fellas.
We're going down.
- God damn it.
- ORR: Prepare to abandon ship.
Christ Almighty.
Fuck! [PLANE RATTLING AND BANGING.]
I got this, okay? I'm just getting us out of enemy territory.
Hold tight.
Wait.
Wait.
Okay, that's us down there.
You gotta go! Go! They'll carpet the ground with rose petals for you, okay? Go! Go! [PANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
You get home safe, Orr.
I hope you die! - At what height are we at? - ORR: 1,500 feet.
- Hey, you gotta unbuckle! - ORR: You gotta jump, Yossarian.
- Come on! - I'm right behind you.
I'm gonna get it out over the sea.
You gotta go.
I'm good, Yo-Yo.
Go get your balls looked at.
[PLANE RATTLING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
[WIND WHISTLING.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, fuck.
[GROANING.]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh.
Oh.
[MOANING.]
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
[PLANE RATTLING.]
Come on, come on.
[PLANE RATTLING AND BANGING.]
We'll meet again Don't know where Don't know when But I know we'll meet again Some sunny day Keep smiling through Just like you always do Till the blue skies
[BIRDS TWITTERING.]
ORR: Hey, Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo.
Holy moly.
You won't believe what happened.
Oh, I think I will.
I heard you got everybody out.
Six of us on the inflatable, so I tucked 'em in, made 'em a little tea, and read 'em a bedtime story.
Nately's dead.
Holy shit.
Yo-Yo, that ain't right.
What happened? I took us back around He didn't he didn't die the first time, but it found him the second time.
And well, if I hadn't gone back, I wouldn't I wouldn't have found him.
ORR: No, you didn't kill him.
He died because there's men down there shooting at us.
Dunbar's gone.
Clevinger's gone.
Kid Sampson's gone.
McWatt's gone.
Now Nately's gone.
For a minute there I thought it was just gonna be me and Aarfy.
[CHUCKLES.]
I wouldn't do that to you, buddy.
Yeah, I know.
CATHCART: Twice.
Why goddamn twice? I missed it the first time.
- You missed it.
- Yes, sir.
That's why I went back.
You didn't miss it.
You didn't even drop your bombs.
11 planes were relying on you, when clearly they shouldn't have.
So then they panicked.
And dropped 44,000 pounds of bombs on goddamn nothing.
KORN: We give you a $6,000 bombsight and apparently you don't wanna look through it.
Oh, and you lost your tail-gunner.
Nice fucking flying, soldier.
Do you have any idea how much each 500 pound bomb is worth? - I do not, sir.
- Well, neither do I, but they don't grow on trees.
I took out the bridge, sir.
The bridge is gone, that was the objective.
It was a goddamn thorn in our side, that bridge.
So what to do now? KORN: We punish the hell out of him.
Well, you goddamn right we punish the hell out of him.
Although, if we punish him, we'd be admitting something went wrong.
Something did go wrong, they lost a goddamn tail gunner.
What I mean to say, sir, is that if we punish him, that would be sending a message that the mission didn't go right.
We don't want that.
The mission did go right.
Exactly.
So what to do? We could give him a medal.
What would we give him a goddamn medal for? For going around twice.
Well, I suppose it did take some courage to go around the target twice, and he did hit the target.
[WHISPERING.]
This is good, this is very good, act boastful about something we should be ashamed of.
That's a tremendous idea, sir.
That's good, very good.
And we'll make him a captain, too.
Do we need to do that? Well, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it with gusto, Korn.
Besides, what's a goddamn captain anyway? Lieutenant, you'll be pleased to know that we have made the decision to promote you to the rank of captain.
Uh - O-Okay.
- Effective immediately.
Colonel Korn, here, organize a medal ceremony.
- KORN: Yes, sir.
- We've got a brave man here.
- Thank you, sir.
- And we wish we had more like you.
YOSSARIAN: Thank you, sir.
Uh, sir? If I may, sir? I wonder you see, my friend Nately, the tail-gunner who died, was engaged to be married.
And his fiancée, as you can understand, will take the news very hard.
And your point is? Well, I'd like to apply for a 48-hour leave, sir.
If I may, given the circumstances.
I'd like to go to Rome and inform Nately's fiancée of the terrible news.
"Fiancée," that's rich.
You mean the whore? Her name is Clara.
CATHCART: Let me see if I get this straight.
We give you a promotion of the rank of captain, we're gonna give you a medal, and you wanna go to Rome to see a whore? To see my dead friend Nately's bereaved fiancée.
Yes, sir.
Who is a whore.
YOSSARIAN: I was set to be best man, sir.
And so I'm formally requesting permission, sir CATHCART: Yes, yes, yes.
I understand.
Permission denied.
Dismissed.
[CHEERFUL JAZZ MUSIC.]
Boys, I'm looking for Milo.
- LORENZO: Signore Milo? - Yeah, Milo.
Where is he? Signore Milo no is here.
He's in Barcelona, España.
YOSSARIAN: España.
He's in Spain? Si, si, "Spain.
" [SIGHS.]
LORENZO: Can we help you with something? [JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES.]
YOSSARIAN: Aarfy.
- AARFY: Hello, John.
- What are you doing here? AARFY: You know, the usual.
- I didn't know you had leave.
- Yeah, I have leave.
Why? What are you doing? You wanna do something? Maybe later.
I'm gonna go find Nately's girlfriend.
Oh, good for you.
You're like a rabbit.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
Hello? [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING DISTANTLY.]
MICHAELA: Signore? There she is.
[JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Good girl.
Why don't you stay and have a drink with me? Che cosa? AARFY: A drink.
It's after 7:00.
Have a drink.
No, grazie, no.
You'll join me.
It's all right.
[DOGS BARKING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[MAN MUTTERING IN ITALIAN.]
[JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES.]
AARFY: You're much prettier than you look at first.
You know that? And you have wonderful hair.
Hair.
Your hair is lovely.
And that pretty little apron.
[SCRAPING.]
Would you like to dance with me? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
Hello? Hi.
You know it's after curfew.
You shouldn't be out.
Do you know what I mean, "curfew"? Honey, I wish I could understand you.
You know, I'm looking for your sister, Clara.
Sorella, that's right.
Sister, right.
Where's your sister? Where where is Clara? Look, I wanted to You see, I wanted to give this to her.
It's from Nately, and he's not Uh Well, he's not coming back.
Can can you take me to her to give that to her? Honey, I wish I could understand you.
I what? No, no, no, no.
Honey, no.
You don't no, just your sister.
I'm just looking for oh, fuck.
Okay, all right.
Look, and as you keep this.
All right? This is yours.
Okay? You keep it or sell it.
Just do what you gotta do.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[DOGS BARKING.]
[GRAMOPHONE SCRAPING.]
- No.
- AARFY: [GRUNTS.]
- No.
- AARFY: Yeah.
- You're fine.
You're fine.
- MICHAELA: Per favore, lasciami.
- AARFY: Don't struggle with me.
- Lasciami, lasciami! Lasciami! [MENACING MUSIC.]
[GRAMOPHONE SCRAPING.]
[CROWD SHOUTING.]
[DOG BARKING.]
[SCRAPING.]
[CROWD SHOUTING AND DOG BARKING CONTINUES.]
[DOG WHINES.]
[DOG GROWLING.]
[DOG WHINING AND SQUEALING, MEN SHOUTING.]
[SCRAPING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
WOMAN: [WHIMPERING.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[EXHALES.]
[PANTS.]
Come on! [PANTING.]
You killed her, Aarfy.
You killed her! Oh, Yossarian, don't be ridiculous.
Come on now.
Aarfy, you fucking murdered her! You murdered the girl, and they're gonna put you in jail! They're not gonna put good old Aarfy in jail.
[SIREN WAILING.]
YOSSARIAN: [PANTING.]
Do you hear that, you piece of shit? They're coming for you.
[VEHICLES RUMBLE.]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
You're a fucking monster.
Hey, he's up here! [PANTING.]
He killed that girl.
He raped her.
OFFICER: John Yossarian? Sorry? OFFICER: Which one of you is John Yossarian? That's me.
"John Yossarian, on the orders of Colonel Cathcart, "I hereby arrest you in the name of the 27th Air Corps of the United States Army" - No.
- " That you did knowingly "abandon your duties on the island of Pianosa, "taking leave without permission, in direct breach of Article 21:2:7 of the Military Code" [SPEECH FADES.]
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
" without said leave.
" That girl is dead down there.
OFFICER: What happened to the girl? He threw her out of the window.
He raped her, and he threw her out of it.
Jesus Christ.
She's an Italian civilian.
It's a civilian matter.
This is a military matter.
Uh [PLANE ENGINE DRONING.]
Hello? [PEEING.]
[METALLIC SQUEAKING.]
- MAN: [SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
- YOSSARIAN: Hello? Hello! Hey! - LORENZO: Hello, Mister Yo-Yo.
- Hey.
Yeah.
Hey, what's going on, fellas? Why you are here? Is a Green Zone.
You can no be here.
- Can you call Milo? - You can no get out? No, I can't get out.
I'm in jail.
Can you get Milo for me? - Mamma mia! - YOSSARIAN: No "mamma mia.
" Hey! Hey, you guys got any food? [GROANS.]
Planning our great escape, are we, Captain? You like to make our lives difficult, don't you? [VEHICLES RUMBLING.]
It has come to our attention that there has been an unfortunate incident.
Hmm? Last night.
In Rome.
An unfortunate accident.
It wasn't an accident.
CATHCART: We understand that in the heat of the tragedy, you made some very strong accusations.
But we understand that tragedy can inflame the senses, play tricks on the mind.
Hmm? And she died such a senseless death.
And unfortunate accident, cleaning those windows at night.
- He raped and murdered her.
- CATHCART: Let me make one thing clear.
We simply will not tolerate any form of behavior that tarnishes the reputation of the 57th Bomb Wing.
An investigation into an officer of our own, an officer of upstanding reputation with an unblemished record on sanctioned leave, during a tour of duty, would be a detriment to the war effort.
And that which is a detriment to the war effort, is a detriment to the free world, by which I mean America.
Well you mean, a detriment to you.
[VEHICLE ROARS BY.]
Drop it, son.
Drop it, and we can forget this whole kerfuffle.
Do you hear what I'm saying, Captain? Drop it, and you won't have to fly any more missions.
We can do that.
Can't we? And you'll do it.
That's an order.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
[KEYS JINGLING.]
MILO: Yo-Yo, what are you doing here? Milo, is that you? MILO: Colonel Cathcart, sir, you can't be here.
Sir, this is one of the designated areas.
Speak English! MILO: This is a Green Zone, sir.
It's one of the designated areas.
[SIREN BLARING.]
Good God.
MILO: Palarmi, palarmi, palarmi! LORENZO: Quattro, quattro.
Okay, we have four minutes to be very far away, sir.
You gotta get him out of here.
- What's going on? - Well, I don't have a key.
- Korn.
- I don't have keys, sir.
MILO: Shit.
Hang on.
- Come on.
- MILO: This one.
This one.
- LORENZO: Okay, quickly now.
- MILO: All right, follow me.
[SIREN CONTINUES BLARING.]
[DISTANT SHOUTING.]
[LEONARDO AND LORENZO SPEAKING ITALIAN.]
MILO: Flying Fish.
Flying Fish, this is Papa Bear.
Let there be light.
[LIGHTS BOOM ON.]
[AIRCRAFTS ROARING OVER.]
Milo, what is this? [ROARING CONTINUES.]
Milo, those are German bombers! Those are Heinkel One-Elevens! You're right.
LORENZO: Si, Signore Milo, we're gonna die! Okay, we gotta go.
We gotta go! LORENZO: Se non muoviamo morirai, morirai.
Okay, si.
Si, si, si, in continuo movimento.
- [ENGINE TURNING.]
- Comportare, comportare.
- YOSSARIAN: Go, Milo! - Come on, step on it! Milo, for Christ's sake! Start the goddamn jeep! That's an order! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING, ENGINE GRINDS, TURNS OVER.]
YOSSARIAN: Drive, you fucking idiot! Whoo! [EXPLOSION BOOMS.]
YOSSARIAN: Milo, those are our planes.
Yeah, we're losing 22, we're keeping 58.
As the head of M&M Enterprises, I have to make compromises sometimes.
I have to balance the competing market interests of our different territories.
Those territories are ultimately part of the syndicate, of course.
But sometimes you have to rob Peter to pay Paul to keep everybody happy.
- Wow.
- I know, right? Took us three days of round-tabling in Lausanne to nut out the details of this one.
Next week we're taking out their fuel depot in Windischeschenbach.
- Windischeschenbach.
- Balancing the books.
[BLASTING.]
[EXPLOSION BOOMS.]
[AIRCRAFTS ROARING.]
Stingray 2, this is Papa Bear.
Bring the Two formation back around.
[BLASTS.]
Holy Moses.
Okay, I've seen enough, Milo.
Excellent work.
Good job.
Korn, let's go.
Let's head up to the tower.
It's the safest place on the base.
No one touches the control towers, that was non-negotiable.
Lorenzo, Leonardo, [SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
the Jeep.
[AIRPLANES ROARING.]
[BOOMING.]
Ain't it beautiful? What does this look like to you? YOSSARIAN: The apocalypse.
Reconstruction.
Replacement parts.
The army has to get them from somewhere, right? Who's got access to everything they need? - You.
- No, the syndicate.
You know you're a shareholder in all this.
So you keep telling me.
I wanna make you a partner, a full partner.
- What does that mean? - MILO: Means weekly dividends, quarterly bonuses, annual fishing trips.
All this will be over one day, but M&M will live on, right through to your retirement plan.
Thank you, Milo.
That's very generous.
You're my best friend.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[VEHICLES RUMBLING.]
[DEBRIS CLATTERING.]
[SPARKS CRACKLING.]
[AIRPLANE ROARING.]
Ciao! What in God's green earth is this? Bomba.
Many, many bomba.
SUE ANNE: So you got what you wished for.
Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.
Do you do you ever think that you can just leave? - Me? - Yeah.
- Can can you do that? - Just leave? YOSSARIAN: Yeah, go home.
I signed up.
CATHCART: Sir, I'm very sorry.
We did not know you were coming.
There was a miscommunication.
We were attacked last night.
- By who? - The enemy, sir.
Of course it was the enemy.
Which enemy? - CATHCART: The Germans, sir.
- Of course it was the Germans.
It'd hardly be the Japanese, now, would it? I don't understand the question, sir.
SCHEISSKOPF: How many men did we lose? - None, sir.
- None? Well, we were very lucky, sir.
How many of theirs did we take down? None, sir.
None? We were very unlucky, sir.
Very unlucky.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, what's shakin'? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey.
Where's Yossarian? Oh, he's not coming, he's going home.
- He's going home? - Yep.
How? I don't know.
That's what he said.
How was Rome? KORN: [WHISTLES.]
All right.
That's enough.
I said that's enough.
Gentlemen, before we get down to business today, I have an important introduction to make.
We are privileged to welcome into our midst a man who in fact needs no introduction, General Scheisskopf, who is now Head of Operations for the entire Mediterranean Theater.
And it is our honor that he will be running the show, so to speak, from this here facility right here on Pianosa.
Now, he will not be running this base, let me make that very clear.
That solemn duty remains mine.
You'll be pleased to know that General Scheisskopf has bigger fish - to fry - Thank you, Colonel, I'll be brief.
Although Colonel Cathcart is indeed correct that I will be running the entire Mediterranean operation, he is wrong when he says I will not be running this base.
Anyone who knows me knows I simply just can't help myself.
And from what I've seen thus far, we got a lot of work to do.
Dismiss the men.
[INTIMIDATING MUSIC.]
Dismissed! Yo-yo! Are you ready for this? I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Guess who was at the briefing.
- Who? - ORR: Guess.
- Who? - Scheisskopf.
Jesus.
Why? ORR: He's running the whole fucking show.
- What show? - The whole Mediterranean Theater.
Scheisskopf.
And he's going to be based here in Pianosa.
That is that is not even humanly possible.
- Are you yanking my chain? - He's here, Yo-Yo.
He's fucking here.
[JAZZY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Hello, sir.
Ah, Captain Yossarian, I have your paperwork here somewhere.
Well, that's uh, that's great, sir.
That's really terrific news.
- What's happening here? - KORN: Ah, here it is.
I think you'll find this all in order.
Now, let's get you on the first plane out of here, huh? Uh, yes, sir, let's.
These just need Colonel Cathcart's signature, and we're done.
Okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
CATHCART: The Group Leaders' Allocations and Requisitions SCHEISSKOPF: You can deal with the allocations and requisitions, Colonel.
I will be busy with the bigger picture.
CATHCART: Of course, sir.
On Thursdays Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to interrupt.
What is it, Korn? KORN: I have Yossarian's discharge papers here.
They just need your signature.
CATHCART: Oh, yes, of course.
Um What was that? I just require the Colonel's signature on some SCHEISSKOPF: The name.
What was the name? Yossarian, sir.
Yossarian.
SCHEISSKOPF: [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I've flown my missions, sir.
How many missions have you flown? YOSSARIAN: 51, sir.
What's the mission quota, Colonel? 55, sir.
You haven't flown your missions.
I had back when the target was 50, sir.
SCHEISSKOPF: Well, target isn't 50, is it, Captain? It's 55.
Well, it is now, sir, but it wasn't back when I flew 50.
Well, if you'd flown 50 back when it was 50, then you wouldn't be standing here, would you? There was a hold up with my paperwork, sir.
SCHEISSKOPF: The mission quota is 55, you've flown 51.
Therefore, you still have missions to fly.
This base was attacked last night, Captain.
I'm sure you can appreciate that we require the service of all able-bodied fliers.
Sir, if I may, Colonel Cathcart and I had a deal.
Mm-hmm.
What kind of a deal? It was to do with a Roman operation, sir.
Hmm? Um Um, sir, Captain Yossarian was instrumental, sir, in a covert Roman operation.
SCHEISSKOPF: Good for you, Captain.
That's tremendous.
The mission quota is 55, you've flown 51.
Good luck with the next four.
[STAMMERS.]
General, sir, as I'm sure the colonel will agree, our deal is unbreakable.
[RAPID BREATHING.]
- With all due respect, sir - [GRUNTS SOFTLY.]
The deal between the Captain and I was fairly rock solid, sir.
- That's correct, General.
- And yet, this so called deal, called deal, it wasn't with me, was it? - No, sir.
- Not technically, sir.
So technically, it doesn't exist? It does exist, sir.
55 minus 51 equals 4.
Dismissed, Captain.
I said dismissed, Captain.
Get the hell out of my office.
Oh, and John My wife sends her regards.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Hey, Yo-Yo! Guess what plane they just assigned me to? I'm your good luck charm at last.
[VEHICLES RUMBLING.]
Hey, buddy.
- I'm gonna fucking kill you! - ORR: Yo-Yo! - I'll kill you! - ORR: Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo! YOSSARIAN: I'll kill you! I'll kill you! [PLANE ENGINES DRONING.]
[GUNFIRE THUNDERING.]
Buckle up, fellas, here come the fireworks.
[GUNFIRE CRACKING.]
AARFY: Hold steady, 276.
YOSSARIAN: 276, holding steady.
Adjusting for drift three degrees.
AARFY: Roger that, three degrees.
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES.]
Closing in on target, 30 seconds to run.
30 seconds.
[BOOMING.]
Oh, fuck! Oh! AARFY: 20 seconds to target.
- [AGONIZED YELL.]
- The fuck is wrong with him? Fuck! I've been hit! AARFY: Yossarian, you ready? Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh! God! Help! [YELLING IN AGONY.]
Oh, shit.
- Yo-Yo? - I've lost my balls! Oh, shit! Oh! Oh, fuck! I think I've lost my balls! Oh, I think I lost my fucking balls! [ENGINES DRONING.]
Orr, what the fuck are you doing? [MOANS.]
Fucking shit.
[YELLS.]
[BOOMS.]
ORR: Okay, left engine's on fire.
Yeah, the right engine's rough, too.
Okay, that's both engines.
We're going down, fellas.
We're going down.
- God damn it.
- ORR: Prepare to abandon ship.
Christ Almighty.
Fuck! [PLANE RATTLING AND BANGING.]
I got this, okay? I'm just getting us out of enemy territory.
Hold tight.
Wait.
Wait.
Okay, that's us down there.
You gotta go! Go! They'll carpet the ground with rose petals for you, okay? Go! Go! [PANTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
You get home safe, Orr.
I hope you die! - At what height are we at? - ORR: 1,500 feet.
- Hey, you gotta unbuckle! - ORR: You gotta jump, Yossarian.
- Come on! - I'm right behind you.
I'm gonna get it out over the sea.
You gotta go.
I'm good, Yo-Yo.
Go get your balls looked at.
[PLANE RATTLING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
[WIND WHISTLING.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, fuck.
[GROANING.]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Oh.
Oh.
[MOANING.]
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
[PLANE RATTLING.]
Come on, come on.
[PLANE RATTLING AND BANGING.]
We'll meet again Don't know where Don't know when But I know we'll meet again Some sunny day Keep smiling through Just like you always do Till the blue skies