Celebrity Juice (2008) s13e04 Episode Script
Gino D'Acampo, Dave Berry, Lisa Snowdon, Christian Jessen, Stereo Kicks
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, and these are my titles Plush or what?! There is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers, boys! There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
There's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all in heaven but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great the show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
Celebrity Juice, on telly.
HD.
(CHEERING & APPLAUSE) Yeeeeeah! All riiiiight! Hey, let's meet our team captains.
First up it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING) Who's on your team, Holly? Who's on your team? Well, tonight on my right he's back again, it's Gino D'Acampo! (CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! And on my left the stars of Capital Radio's breakfast show, it's Lisa Snowdon and Dave Berry! (CHEERING) Two! Two! It's funny because whoever's team Gino is on they always lose.
He's like a jinx! (LAUGHTER) I'm so bored of saying the same thing, you know.
(BABBLES) (LAUGHTER) Just say something really horrible to him in Ital Guarda, a volte, ti giuro, te lo voglio dire ma sei proprio un gran testa di cazzo.
(CHEERING) Yes, it is massive! (LAUGHTER) And I will take that as a compliment, thanks very much, Gino! Let meet our other team captain, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING) Fearne.
Hello.
Who's on your team? It's our favourite doctor, Dr Christian! (CHEERING) And also from last year's X Factor, from supergroup Stereo Kicks, it's Chris! (CHEERING) Hey, Chris from Stereo Kicks.
Yes.
So, you are the one that yodels, yes? No.
(LAUGHTER) So you're the one that yodels, yes? Absolutely not.
Hey, it's the one who yodels, yes? No.
That's not me.
(LAUGHTER) Louis, is he mentoring you still? Is he managing you? No.
He was just with us on the show and he was obviously brilliant.
You know Louis.
Yeah, I know him.
I know him.
I know him.
I know him.
I know him.
Do you still? Do you still speak to Louis? He didn't really know us on the show, he got bit confused with our names.
When I first saw you guys on X Factor, I swear I thought you were Ashton from JLS but white.
I get that all the time.
Oh, yeah! Oh, my God.
He does! So are you the one that yodels? Er, no.
Are you the one that yodels? Yes! YEEEES! (CHEERING) Will you give us a yodel? Here, come to the front and give us a yodel.
(CHEERING) You've got to do it with me.
Yeah, you do it.
I can't yodel.
You're going to show me how to yodel.
OK.
Do you want a little lesson? Yeah, that's what I just asked for, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) To start (YODELS) Say hello to a lady, say hello to a lady? (LAUGHTER) You took the words straight out of my mouth! (YODELS) Say hello to a lady, say hello to a lady (CHEERING) It's like saying hello to a lady, yeah? Yeah.
Gino! Oh, Gino.
Do it, man.
Come here! (CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
You have just seen how he does it.
Just give him another blow just so Another go! Give it another go.
(YODELS) What the (YODELS) (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Hey, did someone call a doctor?! It's Dr Christian! (CHEERING) You are probably the second most famous doctor.
You've got Doctor Who, Doctor F (LAUGHTER) What have you been up to? We did that drugs show, Drugs Live.
Remember that? Yes.
You got mashed up with Jon Snow from Channel 4, didn't you? Tell us what it was like, being on telly mashed up on skunk? He's all right for getting mashed with, actually.
He's got a few stories to tell, yeah.
Did you feel like you might have been glamorising getting mashed up cos I just thought, they are professional people and I've never been mashed up.
I like Holly's crack but I was never He didn't have a good time at all, really.
He didn't, did he? He was shit scared and that sent a message it's not always that fun.
You're not doing Embarrassing Bodies any more? Well, I've done it for what, eight years? Really? Shit, doesn't time fly when you're looking at people's balls and they look like cauliflowers.
How do you notOK.
How do you not just go (GAGS) .
.
with the smell? Because I'm imagining that stuff doesn't smell very good.
The smell, I can't bear that.
Have you ever chucked? As it opens up (LAUGHTER) Ho ho! If it had a sound that would be it.
Oh, dear.
# Dave Berry, Lisa Snowdon # I wouldn't touch him but I'd have a go at her one You off the multi-award-winning breakfast show, Capital.
What is it like working with someone? You're both attractive people, has there ever been a moment where you've gone, "We'll try it out, see what it's like.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
Often.
We had a crazy Brits after show font color=" just the two of us back at (LAUGHTER) Can I say, you are sexy as fuck, yeah? Thank you.
Thank you, Keith.
On your show don't you let people bang you? A little bit, yeah.
It's the bum bum bongoing, yeah? Bum bum bongos? You use the bottom as a bongo.
It makes a wonderful sound.
Everybody has just got such different buttocks that you get different sounds.
Some of them firm, some not s You know, I've bum bum bongoed Harry Potter, which was quite I think you bonged Kim Kardashian.
We have a picture.
Oh, I did! What does hers sounds like? Are you actually bum bum bongoing her there or trying to get your fingers in her ass? She has got the most incredible bum.
It's almost like the eighth wonder of the world.
Is her bum hard or is it soft? A little bit jiggly but not in a bad way, in a nice, womanly feminine way.
Dave, you've had some fun on people's bum.
Miley Cyrus you bum bum bongoed.
There you are.
Yeah, I banged the shit out of her.
She was wearing PVC trousers.
It really added to the acoustics.
It was like playing the Royal Albert Hall.
Would you bum bum bongo on my bum bum? Yeah.
Absolutely.
This will be a great one.
This will be a claim to fame.
(LAUGHTER) Nobody has ever gone up on their toes before! (BONGOS PLAY) (APPLAUSE) I nearly got a semi then, you smacked my balls.
(LAUGHTER) Dave, what is it like being named after a tiny fruit? Erm Fuck off.
It's cute.
Well, Dave Berry, in your honour, being named after a fruit, we're gonna play a game called Dave Berry's Celebrity Fruit Game! Hi, welcome to Dave Berry's Celebrity Fruit.
We've got a collection of fruit and veg here.
What I want you to do is ID the celebrity fruit or veg.
I've got an example of some fruit I would like you to name.
So who would that be? What? Elvis Parsley! Elvis Parsley, correct! So, have a quick look at the fruit and see how many you can guess.
Here they are.
"Hey, I look like an egg and have got ginger hair and a guitar and I sing.
" "I can't see nothing unless I wear my glasses, boy.
" "Hm, hm, hm, it hurts me.
It really hurts me.
This jacket is too small.
" That's just some bread with a wig on it.
There's a mucky kebab, I've seen some of those in my time.
Very nice.
Healthy, I hear.
That's a football kit and some meat.
That's an orange with a wig on and some earrings.
"Yeah but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah.
" I don't know, it's a sprout, innit? Some orange juice in a vest.
Oh, some tinned meat.
In a swimming costume.
It's Gino's dick with some glasses on.
(LAUGHTER) That's Holly Willoughby when she's pissed up.
So, Fearne's team, how many celebrity fruits do you think you can guess there? Eight.
Eight? You're saying eight? Holly's team.
Nine.
If you can't get nine the point will go to Fearne's team.
I think we've got it.
Right, OK.
Let's go with first one.
OK, the first one, that is Egg Sheeran.
That's correct.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
OK.
And that is Trevor McDonald's.
That is Tomato Cruise.
David Baguetta.
That really looks like him.
Right.
What is the next one, then? Madonna Kebab.
Correct.
Good.
That is easy.
Go on.
David Beck-ham.
That is Pam St Clementine.
That's correct.
That's Brussel Brand.
Brussel Brand? Eight.
One more.
All you've got to do, Holly, is get just one right.
You've got three more left.
We've got it.
BOTH: Spamela Anderson.
That's correct.
That's a point to your team.
Just for fun, can you get the last two? I think we might be able to, yeah.
Action hero in a vest? Juice Willis.
Juice Willis.
We think it is Kanye Kanye Wurst? Yes.
That was good.
Who's this? Audience? AUDIENCE: Quiche Lemon.
GINO: Quiche Lemon! Quiche Lemon?! It's Quiche Lemon, is it? Yes, it's fucking Quiche Lemon.
And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! OK, we're going to go to an ad break now.
I'll see you in two, I'm off for a massive shit.
Coming up after t'break For 64,000 points, will Gino's middle name, by deed poll, be Sheffield? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh! I've got an important announcement.
Sadly, two members of Stereo Kicks, Charlie and Reece, can't be with us tonight because they are too young to be on Celebrity Juice.
Charlie 15 and he is not allowed to feature in the programme in any way because he is too young to hear the words "minge, flange" What words do you use, Gino? (BLEEP) Yeah We have a picture of him so he's here in spirit.
But we've had to blur his face.
Reece is 16 and although he is too young to be in the studio, we are going to go to him live now in his bedroom at home.
Reece, can you hear me? I was absolutely gutted when I found out that Zayn had left the band.
We're going live to him now.
How upset was you when Zayn left One Direction? Yep, I can hear you loud and clear, Keith.
It's great to be on the show.
I don't think it's working.
It doesn't seem to be coming across live.
Reece, when does your tour start? It's been lovely to speak to you, Keith.
I can't wait to come on the show when I'm older.
Bye! We can't sell this live shit, man, it don't work.
Why don't you rehearse stuff like that before you come on a national show and you make a fool of yourself? Lisa, is it true that your actual name is Lisa Snawdon? It is.
Do you have a middle name? Ann.
Ann? A-double-N, yes.
Gino, have you got a middle name? My real name is not Gino.
You foreigners! What?! What, what, what? My real name is not Gino, no.
You are from Sheffield and it is Fred.
My real name is Gennaro.
Oh, Gennaro.
Has Reece got a middle name? Um Is it Elvis Parsley? What about you Keith? Do you have a middle name? Yeah, it's Your middle name is Ian? What's wrong with that? I don't know, I've just never heard it.
Well, in homage to middle names and, more pacifically, my middle name, we've come up with a game called Hello and welcome to My Middle Name Is Ian.
In this game, I would like you to ID a celebrity's middle name.
For each one you get correct, you will get a point for your team.
You can gamble and go for the next name and win two points for your team.
But if you do get it wrong, you will go away with nothing.
Can I have some gambling lighting, please? First up to play My Middle Name Is Ian, is Fearne Cotton.
Thank you.
Hi.
OK, what is Richard Gere's middle name? Is it A, Tiffany? Is it B, Terrance? Or is it C, Trudy? Spin the wheel.
There it is, spinning on telly.
It bears no relevance to the game.
I'm going to say Tiffany.
Tiffany? Let's lock it in.
She says Tiffany.
Richard Tiffany Gere.
Is Tiffany the right answer? Yes, it is! What do you think? Should she gamble? (CHEERING) Do you want to play your one point for two points? Dr Christian says yes and always do what the doctor says.
Let's gamble.
Gamble.
It's so exciting.
What is Hugh Grant's middle name? Is it A, Congo? Is it B, Mungo? Or is it C, Umbongo? I think he's older than 'Umbongo, you drink it in the jungle'.
Correct.
I'm going to go with Mungo.
Quite posh, isn't it, Mungo? Do you want to lock it in? Hugh Mungo.
Do you want to lock it in? Lock it in.
Lock that bitch in.
You've locked it in.
The correct answer is Mungo! Yes! Why am I good at this game? This is weird.
Should she go away with her points or should she gamble? AUDIENCE: GAMBLE! Gamble.
Yeah, I'm in a gambling mood.
Let We're gonna double it now.
You're gonna get four of you get this correct.
Otherwise, you will walk away with absolutely nowt.
Ready? I'm ready.
What is Nicolas Cage's middle name? Oh, is it Knob? Is it A, Jim? B, Kim? Or C, Tim? It's tough, because they all sound t'same, don't they? Apart from t'first letter.
What do you think? Kim.
If he gets it wrong I'll just get font color="# Nicholas Kim Cage sounds like it would work.
Yeah, Kim.
Do you want to lock that in? Lock it in.
Let's lock it in.
For a massive four points, Kim.
Is it Kim or are you gonna go away with nowt? It is Kim! Do you want to gamble? Leave it.
Bye! You are leaving it.
Four points.
Well done.
Next up to play My Middle Name Is Ian is Holly Willoughby! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
What is your name? Holly.
Where are you from? I am from Brighton.
How old are you? Er 33 now.
I had a birthday.
Aren't you 34 now? Am I? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, cos I'm 33.
I just realised they have just changed over! You just keep changing! (LAUGHTER) You think you're 33.
How old are you? I'm 34.
(LAUGHTER) OK.
Point for your team.
Yah.
What is Ashley Roberts' middle name? Oh Is it? Oh, it is so hard! (LAUGHTER) It is not Ashley, she is not Ashley Ashley Roberts.
I don't know, she is American.
No, she's not Ashley.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, Ashley Ashley Roberts, have a nice day! I don't think it's Alvin.
Does that say Alvin? No, it does not say Alvin, you're just making that up.
Anthony or Allyn? I think it might be I think it might be Anthony.
Shall we lock it in? Maybe it's Alv- Not Alvin.
Alvin is not there.
I'm going for C.
What does it say? Allyn.
Allyn.
Shall we lock it in? Lock it in.
Let's lock it in.
We've locked it in.
It's locked in.
Come on! Is it the right answer? Maybe it was Anthony.
Yes! Would you like to gamble your point? I think we're going to have to.
Let's double it.
She is going to have to gamble.
What is Uma Thurman's middle name? Oh, God.
Uma Corona.
Uma Karuna.
Uma Karina.
Or could it be Alvin? (LAUGHTER) It is either Karina or Come on, we are not playing for charity.
C.
C - Karina.
Let's lock it in.
We've locked it in.
Is Karina the right answer? No! Let's find out what the answer is.
Was it Karuna? B.
Karuna.
I nearly said Karuna.
Oh, Holly, you go away with absolutely nowt.
Holly Willoughboozy, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next to play My middle name is Ian is Gino D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino, what's your name? Where are you from? (LAUGHTER) My name is Gino D'Acampo and I am from Nap - Sheffield.
/fo (LAUGHTER) OK, Gino, as it is you, we are going to do something special.
How do you feel about getting 64,000 points for your team? Oh, yeah! (LAUGHTER) Yeah, 64,000? 64,000 We win.
You could just stop the show right now and go home.
64,000 points? 100%, I risk everything.
Do it.
As we all know, Gino D'Acampo does not have a middle name.
All you have to do is let us give you one via deed poll.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We have a lawyer over here.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It is the actual documentation to give you a middle name.
All you have to do Do it, Gino.
Gino, you have to do it.
Take a middle name for 64,000 points.
And here are your options for your middle name (LAUGHTER) Will your middle name be A - Gennaro Keith D'Acampo? B - Gennaro Juice D'Acampo? C - Gennaro Sheffield D'Acampo? What am I going to say to my mum if I am Gennaro Keith fucking D'Acampo? (LAUGHTER) It might not be Keith.
You are not going to decide.
Sheffield is even worse.
The audience will decide.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) For 64,000 points, will Gino's middle name via Deed Poll be Keith? Cheer.
(A FEW CHEERS) Will it be Juice? (MORE CHEERING) Or will it be Sheffield? (EVERYONE CHEERS) It sounds to me like Sheffield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's lock it in.
Can we have the paperwork? (LAUGHTER) Deed Poll, change of name.
Gennaro D'Acampo.
Now Gennaro Sheffield D'Acampo.
This is the official paper.
What am I going to say to my children? Why have you got Sheffield in the passport? AUDIENCE: Sign i Sign it! Sign it! What is Mrs D'Acampo going to say? My wife is going to kill me.
Go on, Gino.
There we go.
Amazing.
Gino changed it on deed poll.
Gino D'Acampo, you have just won 64,000 points and a new middle name.
Gennaro Sheffield D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Which brings us to the end of 'My Middle Name IsIan' The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We are going to go to an ad break now and I will see you in two.
Coming up after the break (INDISTINCT) This looks like Gemma Collins from TOWIE.
Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
We have got some gossip here, actually.
The blonde girl from Only The Young, you and your mate, Casey, fell out because you both fancy her.
Well, she saw me in Bermuda and was like, I was swimming, I had the shades on, I was like She thought you were Aston from JLS.
Exactly.
I just had to do the backflip.
She got a bit high maintenance.
She was like, get a tattoo for me.
Are you joking? Yeah, so She told you to get a tattoo? Yeah, but I was not stupid enough.
But Casey actually went and got a blue tattoo for Betsy Blue.
Is that true? That is not a joke.
I love that you are just saying all of this out loud.
This is amazing.
Casey, is that true? Yes, it is, but she is my girlfriend so it is different.
AUDIENCE: O-o-o-o-h! She is your girlfriend now? Yes, she is my girlfriend.
Let's have a look at the tattoo.
There you go.
I hope you got a blozza out of that.
Dave and Lisa, you have been working together for a long time.
You have been working five days a week for three years, which is 3,703 hours of radio.
Wow.
So, you must know each other inside out.
Yes? Literally.
Yes? Lisa, what is Dave thinking right now? He is thinking that he wants to take me home and do bad things to me.
Well, let's find out if you can read each other's minds as we play Hello and welcome to Jeff Goldblum's laboratory.
Dave, you are going to go inside Lisa Snowdon.
Standard.
I will give it my best shot, Keith.
But first of all, I need to get you into the pod.
So get into the pod.
I am going in.
You are quite tall, aren't you? Yes, I have got massive heels on.
Will that do? No.
Let's mind their melds.
We are going to put Dave inside Lisa.
Let's do it.
Dave.
How does it feel, Dave? It feels great, Keith.
You have got the same mouth.
We asked Lisa what three words would you use to describe Dave? I would say powerful Oh, shit.
Funny.
And caring.
She said We asked Lisa, tell us a secret about Dave.
What did she say? Oh, no.
Is it the time we put each other's feet in our mouths? You are saying is it the time you put each other's feet into each other's mouths.
No, I can tell you the answer was he got arrested in Vegas for play fighting in a casino and was escorted back to his room by the police who told him to go to bed.
Is that true? He did not listen either.
He went straight back down to the casino.
How are you saying that, Dave, without moving your lips? Let's meld them back to normal.
Let's put Fearne inside Holly.
(LAUGHTER) She looks like, is it Gemma Collins from TOWIE? Dr Christian, is it OK to mind meld when you are up the duff? Meld them away.
You are best friends, you should know everything about each other.
Especially when you are in each other's minds.
Fearne, we asked Holly if you were allowed a free pass to shag any one celebrity, who would it be? I know this.
Rupert Penry Jones.
That is correct.
When do you have your morning poo? (LAUGHS) I have my morning poo just after breakfast with Phil at This Morning.
About 8:20.
Holly has her first poo after she has had her first hot drink.
How do you know? You are married to the executive producer who gave us the answers.
How does he know when you shit, though? Everyone knows when Holly has shit.
Let's mind meld.
O-o-o-osh! Has that worked? Holly, are you inside Fearne? I am! Ooh! How many fingers? Pardon? Nothing.
What is weird is when we normally mind meld, people usually look different.
But it just looks like Fearne but with a lady's voice.
So, what three words would you use to describe Keith, you bitch? Massive, ginger wanker.
And I would like to say that massive is in there.
No, I can tell you the answer was redheaded Wagner.
Let's meld them back to normal.
Come out.
Let's have everyone over.
Everyone over.
That is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you the winning team is Yes! There is no point in doing all of this stupid I got 60,000.
64,000 points.
There is no point in doing all of that.
We have got a bonus question.
This is for 64,001 points.
To the Stereo Kicks, we have got them on as a collective, who won The X Factor last year? Ben Haenow.
You remember last year? When we were on? You remember last y You remember last year? Yes, I do.
What happened last year? Do you want to lock it in? Let's lock it in.
The winning team is The winning team is Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are so out of order! I was Keith Lemon, if I do not see you through the week, I will see you through the window.
Ta-ra! # ELECTRIC SIX: Gay Bar
Still got them bangers, boys! There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
There's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy.
We are all in heaven but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great the show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
Celebrity Juice, on telly.
HD.
(CHEERING & APPLAUSE) Yeeeeeah! All riiiiight! Hey, let's meet our team captains.
First up it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING) Who's on your team, Holly? Who's on your team? Well, tonight on my right he's back again, it's Gino D'Acampo! (CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! And on my left the stars of Capital Radio's breakfast show, it's Lisa Snowdon and Dave Berry! (CHEERING) Two! Two! It's funny because whoever's team Gino is on they always lose.
He's like a jinx! (LAUGHTER) I'm so bored of saying the same thing, you know.
(BABBLES) (LAUGHTER) Just say something really horrible to him in Ital Guarda, a volte, ti giuro, te lo voglio dire ma sei proprio un gran testa di cazzo.
(CHEERING) Yes, it is massive! (LAUGHTER) And I will take that as a compliment, thanks very much, Gino! Let meet our other team captain, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING) Fearne.
Hello.
Who's on your team? It's our favourite doctor, Dr Christian! (CHEERING) And also from last year's X Factor, from supergroup Stereo Kicks, it's Chris! (CHEERING) Hey, Chris from Stereo Kicks.
Yes.
So, you are the one that yodels, yes? No.
(LAUGHTER) So you're the one that yodels, yes? Absolutely not.
Hey, it's the one who yodels, yes? No.
That's not me.
(LAUGHTER) Louis, is he mentoring you still? Is he managing you? No.
He was just with us on the show and he was obviously brilliant.
You know Louis.
Yeah, I know him.
I know him.
I know him.
I know him.
I know him.
Do you still? Do you still speak to Louis? He didn't really know us on the show, he got bit confused with our names.
When I first saw you guys on X Factor, I swear I thought you were Ashton from JLS but white.
I get that all the time.
Oh, yeah! Oh, my God.
He does! So are you the one that yodels? Er, no.
Are you the one that yodels? Yes! YEEEES! (CHEERING) Will you give us a yodel? Here, come to the front and give us a yodel.
(CHEERING) You've got to do it with me.
Yeah, you do it.
I can't yodel.
You're going to show me how to yodel.
OK.
Do you want a little lesson? Yeah, that's what I just asked for, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) To start (YODELS) Say hello to a lady, say hello to a lady? (LAUGHTER) You took the words straight out of my mouth! (YODELS) Say hello to a lady, say hello to a lady (CHEERING) It's like saying hello to a lady, yeah? Yeah.
Gino! Oh, Gino.
Do it, man.
Come here! (CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
You have just seen how he does it.
Just give him another blow just so Another go! Give it another go.
(YODELS) What the (YODELS) (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Hey, did someone call a doctor?! It's Dr Christian! (CHEERING) You are probably the second most famous doctor.
You've got Doctor Who, Doctor F (LAUGHTER) What have you been up to? We did that drugs show, Drugs Live.
Remember that? Yes.
You got mashed up with Jon Snow from Channel 4, didn't you? Tell us what it was like, being on telly mashed up on skunk? He's all right for getting mashed with, actually.
He's got a few stories to tell, yeah.
Did you feel like you might have been glamorising getting mashed up cos I just thought, they are professional people and I've never been mashed up.
I like Holly's crack but I was never He didn't have a good time at all, really.
He didn't, did he? He was shit scared and that sent a message it's not always that fun.
You're not doing Embarrassing Bodies any more? Well, I've done it for what, eight years? Really? Shit, doesn't time fly when you're looking at people's balls and they look like cauliflowers.
How do you notOK.
How do you not just go (GAGS) .
.
with the smell? Because I'm imagining that stuff doesn't smell very good.
The smell, I can't bear that.
Have you ever chucked? As it opens up (LAUGHTER) Ho ho! If it had a sound that would be it.
Oh, dear.
# Dave Berry, Lisa Snowdon # I wouldn't touch him but I'd have a go at her one You off the multi-award-winning breakfast show, Capital.
What is it like working with someone? You're both attractive people, has there ever been a moment where you've gone, "We'll try it out, see what it's like.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
Often.
We had a crazy Brits after show font color=" just the two of us back at (LAUGHTER) Can I say, you are sexy as fuck, yeah? Thank you.
Thank you, Keith.
On your show don't you let people bang you? A little bit, yeah.
It's the bum bum bongoing, yeah? Bum bum bongos? You use the bottom as a bongo.
It makes a wonderful sound.
Everybody has just got such different buttocks that you get different sounds.
Some of them firm, some not s You know, I've bum bum bongoed Harry Potter, which was quite I think you bonged Kim Kardashian.
We have a picture.
Oh, I did! What does hers sounds like? Are you actually bum bum bongoing her there or trying to get your fingers in her ass? She has got the most incredible bum.
It's almost like the eighth wonder of the world.
Is her bum hard or is it soft? A little bit jiggly but not in a bad way, in a nice, womanly feminine way.
Dave, you've had some fun on people's bum.
Miley Cyrus you bum bum bongoed.
There you are.
Yeah, I banged the shit out of her.
She was wearing PVC trousers.
It really added to the acoustics.
It was like playing the Royal Albert Hall.
Would you bum bum bongo on my bum bum? Yeah.
Absolutely.
This will be a great one.
This will be a claim to fame.
(LAUGHTER) Nobody has ever gone up on their toes before! (BONGOS PLAY) (APPLAUSE) I nearly got a semi then, you smacked my balls.
(LAUGHTER) Dave, what is it like being named after a tiny fruit? Erm Fuck off.
It's cute.
Well, Dave Berry, in your honour, being named after a fruit, we're gonna play a game called Dave Berry's Celebrity Fruit Game! Hi, welcome to Dave Berry's Celebrity Fruit.
We've got a collection of fruit and veg here.
What I want you to do is ID the celebrity fruit or veg.
I've got an example of some fruit I would like you to name.
So who would that be? What? Elvis Parsley! Elvis Parsley, correct! So, have a quick look at the fruit and see how many you can guess.
Here they are.
"Hey, I look like an egg and have got ginger hair and a guitar and I sing.
" "I can't see nothing unless I wear my glasses, boy.
" "Hm, hm, hm, it hurts me.
It really hurts me.
This jacket is too small.
" That's just some bread with a wig on it.
There's a mucky kebab, I've seen some of those in my time.
Very nice.
Healthy, I hear.
That's a football kit and some meat.
That's an orange with a wig on and some earrings.
"Yeah but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah.
" I don't know, it's a sprout, innit? Some orange juice in a vest.
Oh, some tinned meat.
In a swimming costume.
It's Gino's dick with some glasses on.
(LAUGHTER) That's Holly Willoughby when she's pissed up.
So, Fearne's team, how many celebrity fruits do you think you can guess there? Eight.
Eight? You're saying eight? Holly's team.
Nine.
If you can't get nine the point will go to Fearne's team.
I think we've got it.
Right, OK.
Let's go with first one.
OK, the first one, that is Egg Sheeran.
That's correct.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
OK.
And that is Trevor McDonald's.
That is Tomato Cruise.
David Baguetta.
That really looks like him.
Right.
What is the next one, then? Madonna Kebab.
Correct.
Good.
That is easy.
Go on.
David Beck-ham.
That is Pam St Clementine.
That's correct.
That's Brussel Brand.
Brussel Brand? Eight.
One more.
All you've got to do, Holly, is get just one right.
You've got three more left.
We've got it.
BOTH: Spamela Anderson.
That's correct.
That's a point to your team.
Just for fun, can you get the last two? I think we might be able to, yeah.
Action hero in a vest? Juice Willis.
Juice Willis.
We think it is Kanye Kanye Wurst? Yes.
That was good.
Who's this? Audience? AUDIENCE: Quiche Lemon.
GINO: Quiche Lemon! Quiche Lemon?! It's Quiche Lemon, is it? Yes, it's fucking Quiche Lemon.
And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! OK, we're going to go to an ad break now.
I'll see you in two, I'm off for a massive shit.
Coming up after t'break For 64,000 points, will Gino's middle name, by deed poll, be Sheffield? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh! I've got an important announcement.
Sadly, two members of Stereo Kicks, Charlie and Reece, can't be with us tonight because they are too young to be on Celebrity Juice.
Charlie 15 and he is not allowed to feature in the programme in any way because he is too young to hear the words "minge, flange" What words do you use, Gino? (BLEEP) Yeah We have a picture of him so he's here in spirit.
But we've had to blur his face.
Reece is 16 and although he is too young to be in the studio, we are going to go to him live now in his bedroom at home.
Reece, can you hear me? I was absolutely gutted when I found out that Zayn had left the band.
We're going live to him now.
How upset was you when Zayn left One Direction? Yep, I can hear you loud and clear, Keith.
It's great to be on the show.
I don't think it's working.
It doesn't seem to be coming across live.
Reece, when does your tour start? It's been lovely to speak to you, Keith.
I can't wait to come on the show when I'm older.
Bye! We can't sell this live shit, man, it don't work.
Why don't you rehearse stuff like that before you come on a national show and you make a fool of yourself? Lisa, is it true that your actual name is Lisa Snawdon? It is.
Do you have a middle name? Ann.
Ann? A-double-N, yes.
Gino, have you got a middle name? My real name is not Gino.
You foreigners! What?! What, what, what? My real name is not Gino, no.
You are from Sheffield and it is Fred.
My real name is Gennaro.
Oh, Gennaro.
Has Reece got a middle name? Um Is it Elvis Parsley? What about you Keith? Do you have a middle name? Yeah, it's Your middle name is Ian? What's wrong with that? I don't know, I've just never heard it.
Well, in homage to middle names and, more pacifically, my middle name, we've come up with a game called Hello and welcome to My Middle Name Is Ian.
In this game, I would like you to ID a celebrity's middle name.
For each one you get correct, you will get a point for your team.
You can gamble and go for the next name and win two points for your team.
But if you do get it wrong, you will go away with nothing.
Can I have some gambling lighting, please? First up to play My Middle Name Is Ian, is Fearne Cotton.
Thank you.
Hi.
OK, what is Richard Gere's middle name? Is it A, Tiffany? Is it B, Terrance? Or is it C, Trudy? Spin the wheel.
There it is, spinning on telly.
It bears no relevance to the game.
I'm going to say Tiffany.
Tiffany? Let's lock it in.
She says Tiffany.
Richard Tiffany Gere.
Is Tiffany the right answer? Yes, it is! What do you think? Should she gamble? (CHEERING) Do you want to play your one point for two points? Dr Christian says yes and always do what the doctor says.
Let's gamble.
Gamble.
It's so exciting.
What is Hugh Grant's middle name? Is it A, Congo? Is it B, Mungo? Or is it C, Umbongo? I think he's older than 'Umbongo, you drink it in the jungle'.
Correct.
I'm going to go with Mungo.
Quite posh, isn't it, Mungo? Do you want to lock it in? Hugh Mungo.
Do you want to lock it in? Lock it in.
Lock that bitch in.
You've locked it in.
The correct answer is Mungo! Yes! Why am I good at this game? This is weird.
Should she go away with her points or should she gamble? AUDIENCE: GAMBLE! Gamble.
Yeah, I'm in a gambling mood.
Let We're gonna double it now.
You're gonna get four of you get this correct.
Otherwise, you will walk away with absolutely nowt.
Ready? I'm ready.
What is Nicolas Cage's middle name? Oh, is it Knob? Is it A, Jim? B, Kim? Or C, Tim? It's tough, because they all sound t'same, don't they? Apart from t'first letter.
What do you think? Kim.
If he gets it wrong I'll just get font color="# Nicholas Kim Cage sounds like it would work.
Yeah, Kim.
Do you want to lock that in? Lock it in.
Let's lock it in.
For a massive four points, Kim.
Is it Kim or are you gonna go away with nowt? It is Kim! Do you want to gamble? Leave it.
Bye! You are leaving it.
Four points.
Well done.
Next up to play My Middle Name Is Ian is Holly Willoughby! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
What is your name? Holly.
Where are you from? I am from Brighton.
How old are you? Er 33 now.
I had a birthday.
Aren't you 34 now? Am I? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, cos I'm 33.
I just realised they have just changed over! You just keep changing! (LAUGHTER) You think you're 33.
How old are you? I'm 34.
(LAUGHTER) OK.
Point for your team.
Yah.
What is Ashley Roberts' middle name? Oh Is it? Oh, it is so hard! (LAUGHTER) It is not Ashley, she is not Ashley Ashley Roberts.
I don't know, she is American.
No, she's not Ashley.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, Ashley Ashley Roberts, have a nice day! I don't think it's Alvin.
Does that say Alvin? No, it does not say Alvin, you're just making that up.
Anthony or Allyn? I think it might be I think it might be Anthony.
Shall we lock it in? Maybe it's Alv- Not Alvin.
Alvin is not there.
I'm going for C.
What does it say? Allyn.
Allyn.
Shall we lock it in? Lock it in.
Let's lock it in.
We've locked it in.
It's locked in.
Come on! Is it the right answer? Maybe it was Anthony.
Yes! Would you like to gamble your point? I think we're going to have to.
Let's double it.
She is going to have to gamble.
What is Uma Thurman's middle name? Oh, God.
Uma Corona.
Uma Karuna.
Uma Karina.
Or could it be Alvin? (LAUGHTER) It is either Karina or Come on, we are not playing for charity.
C.
C - Karina.
Let's lock it in.
We've locked it in.
Is Karina the right answer? No! Let's find out what the answer is.
Was it Karuna? B.
Karuna.
I nearly said Karuna.
Oh, Holly, you go away with absolutely nowt.
Holly Willoughboozy, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next to play My middle name is Ian is Gino D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino, what's your name? Where are you from? (LAUGHTER) My name is Gino D'Acampo and I am from Nap - Sheffield.
/fo (LAUGHTER) OK, Gino, as it is you, we are going to do something special.
How do you feel about getting 64,000 points for your team? Oh, yeah! (LAUGHTER) Yeah, 64,000? 64,000 We win.
You could just stop the show right now and go home.
64,000 points? 100%, I risk everything.
Do it.
As we all know, Gino D'Acampo does not have a middle name.
All you have to do is let us give you one via deed poll.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We have a lawyer over here.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It is the actual documentation to give you a middle name.
All you have to do Do it, Gino.
Gino, you have to do it.
Take a middle name for 64,000 points.
And here are your options for your middle name (LAUGHTER) Will your middle name be A - Gennaro Keith D'Acampo? B - Gennaro Juice D'Acampo? C - Gennaro Sheffield D'Acampo? What am I going to say to my mum if I am Gennaro Keith fucking D'Acampo? (LAUGHTER) It might not be Keith.
You are not going to decide.
Sheffield is even worse.
The audience will decide.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) For 64,000 points, will Gino's middle name via Deed Poll be Keith? Cheer.
(A FEW CHEERS) Will it be Juice? (MORE CHEERING) Or will it be Sheffield? (EVERYONE CHEERS) It sounds to me like Sheffield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's lock it in.
Can we have the paperwork? (LAUGHTER) Deed Poll, change of name.
Gennaro D'Acampo.
Now Gennaro Sheffield D'Acampo.
This is the official paper.
What am I going to say to my children? Why have you got Sheffield in the passport? AUDIENCE: Sign i Sign it! Sign it! What is Mrs D'Acampo going to say? My wife is going to kill me.
Go on, Gino.
There we go.
Amazing.
Gino changed it on deed poll.
Gino D'Acampo, you have just won 64,000 points and a new middle name.
Gennaro Sheffield D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Which brings us to the end of 'My Middle Name IsIan' The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We are going to go to an ad break now and I will see you in two.
Coming up after the break (INDISTINCT) This looks like Gemma Collins from TOWIE.
Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
We have got some gossip here, actually.
The blonde girl from Only The Young, you and your mate, Casey, fell out because you both fancy her.
Well, she saw me in Bermuda and was like, I was swimming, I had the shades on, I was like She thought you were Aston from JLS.
Exactly.
I just had to do the backflip.
She got a bit high maintenance.
She was like, get a tattoo for me.
Are you joking? Yeah, so She told you to get a tattoo? Yeah, but I was not stupid enough.
But Casey actually went and got a blue tattoo for Betsy Blue.
Is that true? That is not a joke.
I love that you are just saying all of this out loud.
This is amazing.
Casey, is that true? Yes, it is, but she is my girlfriend so it is different.
AUDIENCE: O-o-o-o-h! She is your girlfriend now? Yes, she is my girlfriend.
Let's have a look at the tattoo.
There you go.
I hope you got a blozza out of that.
Dave and Lisa, you have been working together for a long time.
You have been working five days a week for three years, which is 3,703 hours of radio.
Wow.
So, you must know each other inside out.
Yes? Literally.
Yes? Lisa, what is Dave thinking right now? He is thinking that he wants to take me home and do bad things to me.
Well, let's find out if you can read each other's minds as we play Hello and welcome to Jeff Goldblum's laboratory.
Dave, you are going to go inside Lisa Snowdon.
Standard.
I will give it my best shot, Keith.
But first of all, I need to get you into the pod.
So get into the pod.
I am going in.
You are quite tall, aren't you? Yes, I have got massive heels on.
Will that do? No.
Let's mind their melds.
We are going to put Dave inside Lisa.
Let's do it.
Dave.
How does it feel, Dave? It feels great, Keith.
You have got the same mouth.
We asked Lisa what three words would you use to describe Dave? I would say powerful Oh, shit.
Funny.
And caring.
She said We asked Lisa, tell us a secret about Dave.
What did she say? Oh, no.
Is it the time we put each other's feet in our mouths? You are saying is it the time you put each other's feet into each other's mouths.
No, I can tell you the answer was he got arrested in Vegas for play fighting in a casino and was escorted back to his room by the police who told him to go to bed.
Is that true? He did not listen either.
He went straight back down to the casino.
How are you saying that, Dave, without moving your lips? Let's meld them back to normal.
Let's put Fearne inside Holly.
(LAUGHTER) She looks like, is it Gemma Collins from TOWIE? Dr Christian, is it OK to mind meld when you are up the duff? Meld them away.
You are best friends, you should know everything about each other.
Especially when you are in each other's minds.
Fearne, we asked Holly if you were allowed a free pass to shag any one celebrity, who would it be? I know this.
Rupert Penry Jones.
That is correct.
When do you have your morning poo? (LAUGHS) I have my morning poo just after breakfast with Phil at This Morning.
About 8:20.
Holly has her first poo after she has had her first hot drink.
How do you know? You are married to the executive producer who gave us the answers.
How does he know when you shit, though? Everyone knows when Holly has shit.
Let's mind meld.
O-o-o-osh! Has that worked? Holly, are you inside Fearne? I am! Ooh! How many fingers? Pardon? Nothing.
What is weird is when we normally mind meld, people usually look different.
But it just looks like Fearne but with a lady's voice.
So, what three words would you use to describe Keith, you bitch? Massive, ginger wanker.
And I would like to say that massive is in there.
No, I can tell you the answer was redheaded Wagner.
Let's meld them back to normal.
Come out.
Let's have everyone over.
Everyone over.
That is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you the winning team is Yes! There is no point in doing all of this stupid I got 60,000.
64,000 points.
There is no point in doing all of that.
We have got a bonus question.
This is for 64,001 points.
To the Stereo Kicks, we have got them on as a collective, who won The X Factor last year? Ben Haenow.
You remember last year? When we were on? You remember last y You remember last year? Yes, I do.
What happened last year? Do you want to lock it in? Let's lock it in.
The winning team is The winning team is Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are so out of order! I was Keith Lemon, if I do not see you through the week, I will see you through the window.
Ta-ra! # ELECTRIC SIX: Gay Bar