Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e02 Episode Script

Mollie King, Jimmy Carr, Paddy McGuinness, Richard Blackwood

1 I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
If you're thinking, 'What the fuck is going on?' it's another overelaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best telly show on t'telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were.
(CHEERING) I do wish it were! Yay! (CHEERING) Whoo! Hurraahh! (CHEERING) Yes, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Your weekend starts here.
No, it don't cos it's fucking Thursday, you prick.
(LAUGHTER) Let's meet our team captains.
First it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Who's on your team? On my right, he's one of my absolute favourites.
It's Jimmy Carr! Well, yeah.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, straight out of Walford, it's Richard Blackwood! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The team.
Good team.
Let's meet our other team captain - it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, sirra-boot (LAUGHS) It's Paddy McGuinness! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) Hello, hello.
And, on my right, she's gorgeous and tonight she's 'Strictly' mine, it's Mollie King.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # Mollie King! # Oh, Mollie King, you are so fit I would kiss your shit (LAUGHTER) Mollie, you're doing Strictly.
I am.
Are you prepared? I've done lots of training, as much as physically possible.
Is that hard? It's really quick.
It's really quick.
Hard and quick.
(LAUGHTER) It's hard and quick.
But I've got an amazing partner.
So he's gonna be Oh Is he the 14-year-old? (LAUGHTER) We've got a picture of him.
He's so sweet.
Look at him.
He still can't whistle.
He's doing it wrong.
(LAUGHTER) He is an actual child.
He's a child.
He's so adorable.
Normally Strictly is against X Factor.
Have you been watching that? I'm Strictly.
I've got to stay Strictly.
Would you audition for the X Factor if you weren't already established? You know I've auditioned.
That's why you're asking.
Have you? Don't show it.
Have you done it? Don't.
I know you've You're gonna show it, aren't you? I didn't know you'd done it.
We haven't by chance got a clip, have we? Ohh! (LAUGHTER) FEARNE: I doubt it.
I doubt you'll find it.
It's really old.
Have we got a clip? Oh, Keith.
No, they're saying they couldn't clear it.
Too expensive.
Too expensive.
Luckily I put some money in, so let's have a look.
ALL: # Hey, hey, you, you, we don't like these girl bands # No way, no way, we think you need a new one Hey, hey, you, you, we wanna be your girl band Stop, stop, stop.
I can't watch it, I can't watch it.
I thought I were gonna puke me dick up.
It went inside.
(LAUGHTER) Mine's touching my spine.
It's just fallen back out.
Let's have another look.
will be good enough For him I like you very much.
I do.
Thank you.
You don't have the best voices but the whole combination together (STUDIO LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) But it worked out.
If you hadn't done that The Saturdays wouldn't have happened and you wouldn't have had this solo single.
It's called Hair Down.
What is the goddamn message? Right, so the message of the song is to go out and have a great time and not care.
Let your hair down.
No, they're the rules.
Oh, right.
What's the message? (LAUGHTER) The message is that it's a great song.
You should go out and get it.
No, that's the essence.
(GROANS) (LAUGHTER) I'm the one sat closest to him.
This will go on.
I know.
Just tell us what the message is and we can move on.
(LAUGHTER) What's the message? What's the message? You're saying to this guy, 'I'm over you.
I'm gonna go out and let my hair down.
' Is that not the synopsis though? (LAUGHTER) Let's have a listen.
Let's have a listen.
# I'm pleased to meet your barber shop quartet But that means you obviously ain't getting any sex (LAUGHTER) What's the message? (LAUGHTER) The message is the guy's obviously a bit of a loser.
So I'm like, 'You're not getting any any more.
I'm going out.
' And it's because he's in a barber shop quartet? I notice you kept his jacket.
(LAUGHTER) It's Richard Blackwood! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Britain's answer to Eddie Murphy.
(LAUGHTER) In the past, you were always too nervous to come on here.
Yes, I was.
I told you this.
Why? Because I see what you She just go buried for half an hour.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you.
Thank you.
You're doing well in EastEnders now, aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
I'm very lucky and very blessed, yeah.
Vincent Hubbard? Hubbard.
We've got a picture of you as Vincent.
We couldn't afford clearance for an actual picture so we mocked one up.
(LAUGHTER) I don't watch EastEnders.
I'm waiting for the boxset.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna I'm gonna wait until it's over and then power through.
(LAUGHTER) Do you know the difference between a lemon and a lime? I Yes.
Do you know how to get the zest out of a Please just put the VT on.
(LAUGHTER) It's a clip of Richard trying to get the zest out of a lemon.
See how he struggles with this.
Have a look.
So we just squeeze the juice in there? No juice, just the zest.
The zest.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just trying to You know what I mean? (STUDIO LAUGHTER) The other side? Yeah.
(APPLAUSE) Oh, Richard! Let me tell you something real quick.
Is it an apology? No.
I'm not apologising, right? No, I'm not, because black people don't zest in their food.
(LAUGHTER) We don't.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're playing the race card for that? You're playing the race card.
Card Playing the race card.
You're playing the race card for that? Yes, white man, I'm playing the race card.
(LAUGHTER) Black people don't Now they do since my mistake but what it is Ask a Jamaican person when they've EVER zested in anything.
Jerk chicken.
Any zest? No.
Right? (LAUGHTER) Oxtail.
Zest? Where? Right? (LAUGHTER) Rice and peas.
Never zest.
Right? Right? We don't have zest.
And they were the ones that turned on me.
Where's the camera? Uno - that's Jamaican for 'all of you' - turned on me first saying, 'Oh, you don't know about zesting.
' Did YOU know about zesting? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) No.
That's a zesting novel.
It's one that white people cannot argue with.
I can argue because my name IS Jamaica.
(LAUGHTER) Say my name in a Jamaican accent.
No, because (LAUGHTER) I wanna hear you say it in a Jamaican accent.
(LAUGHTER) My name.
That is the coolest thing.
Um Are you filling in for Gino D'Acampo whilst he's on holiday? I think so.
Is Gino still on holiday? He's been on holiday for ages.
I'll mention anal sex a lot and I'll speak in broken English even though I've lived here all my life.
Are you on tour at the moment? Always, yeah.
Is it true that you take a little dummy of yourself on tour? I take a little A doll.
I like to take a little photo wherever I go.
And then I think I look bad in the photo so I take a littledoll.
Have we got a picture of the doll? There he is.
(LAUGHTER) Aw! I take half the responsibility It's the lady from the Dolmio ads that I shagged.
(LAUGHTER) That is our baby.
That's the Where was he there? On the beach.
Blackpool, I think.
We took some cameras out and followed him.
We followed him on the weekend.
This is what we found out.
He's a bit naughty.
(GRUNTING AND FARTING) (FARTS) (STUDIO LAUGHTER) (POUNDING DANCE MUSIC) (LAUGHS) (DANCE MUSIC) AUDIENCE: Ohh! He's a dirty bugger, in't he? So sometimes he likes to party.
What of it? (LAUGHTER) Anyway, in honour of Richard Blackwood, who was a rapper Yeah, for a while.
Legendary rapper.
Can you, like, freestyle? I probably won't have a choice.
You won't cos we're gonna play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Big up, big up, big up, big up, big up, big up, big u-up! (CHEERING) You got me.
Welcome to What's Rap About.
In this game what's gonna happen is I'm gonna give you a word.
You've gotta rap about that word and then your team member have got to guess what that word is.
You cannot, you fucking cannot, say that word in the rap.
You get me? So, first up it's Paddy McGuinness! (CHEERING) Ohh.
(SNIGGERS) Got your word.
Let's have a dirty sick beat, boy.
Drop it.
(RAP BEAT) Oh! Oh, yeah! (RAPS) You do it in the water, you do it in the sea.
But I'm not talking about a poo and a wee.
(LAUGHTER) If you're really good they give you a badge.
Sometimes babies do it swimming out of their mum's vag.
(LAUGHTER) Swimming, swimming! Yes! (CHEERING) That was sick and dirty, boy, but you're disqualified.
Why? You said swimming.
I didn't.
You did.
When? 'Swimming out of your mum's vag.
' Fuck! (LAUGHTER) I'd like to make the point that babies don't swim out of their mum's vages.
(LAUGHTER) I was The passion was there.
Thank you.
Very good.
You just fucked it up.
(LAUGHTER) Mr Carr wants to have a go.
I wanna see Mr Carr.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
MC Carr.
I do not feel I'm cut out for this.
MC Carr in the house.
What is it? None of us are cut out for this.
RICHARD: No, we're not.
(LAUGHTER) Um Is I mean Hang on.
Give me a s What er She'll know what this is.
Um Gin.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have a nasty beat.
(RAP BEAT) # Yeah # Uh # Yeah # Yes # Uh # Yeah # Uh # Yeah Me licky boom-boom now.
(LAUGHTER) Me licky boom-boom now.
(LAUGHTER) Um is it, like, rimming? Rimming, yeah.
Next up it's Mollie King.
(CHEERING) Thanks.
Oh, no.
Yeah? OK.
Yeah, yeah, OK, OK.
Let's have a dirty beat.
(RAP BEAT) Oh! She's in.
(RAPS) Hey! One.
(RAPS) Are you ready? Yes.
We're ready.
(RAPS) You dip carrots in it.
Yes! Oh! Yes! Yay! Yes! Yes! I fucking love hummus.
It's one of my favourite foods.
Well done, Mollie King.
I liked the rap.
'You dip carrots in it.
' That was the best line.
It's a short one.
It was an instruction.
Richard B, this is your word.
Don't show it to them.
How the fuck am I gonna get this? (LAUGHTER) That's your word.
Can we drop a sloppy, sick, dirty, bastard beat, please? (RAP BEAT) Yeah! (RAPS) OK, listen.
My name is RB.
Do I run the show? If you don't know then I'm good to go.
But this word, it's messing with my head.
If you don't believe me then go ask your dred.
He said, 'This game plays back in the days of the '80s.
Back when you used to have a Mercedes.
' They played it in the pub with plastic and paper.
That's the best I can give.
Is it quiz? Kinda like a quiz.
Stop the dirty beat.
(MUSIC STOPS) Stop the dirty beat.
Can I have another word? Is it possible that he can have another word? Yes.
Cos he seems to think that tiddlywinks is a game you played in the pub in the '80s.
(LAUGHTER) What now? I don't know what it is! Tiddlywinks.
Tiddlywinks! Yo, man! 'I'm going down the boozer, love, for a game of tiddlywinks.
I'll be back in an hour.
' (LAUGHTER) HOLLY: It's brilliant! What's that? What is it? It's a word.
Don't tell me black people don't know this fucking word! I can't say what it is cos they might guess me telling you what it is.
OK, well - Whisper.
You've got to give him a helping hand.
Come on.
Let's drop a dirty beat.
That's better.
(RAPS) A freestyle drop is what I'm gonna drop.
Hardcore from the top of the dome.
Never left alone, so the ladies say.
Hey, I'm just saying what they say.
But this is about the weather.
When the rain drops but it's not so hard, it's clever.
It's snow.
It's hail.
I said the rain drops but it's not so hard, when it falls in your yard.
Muddy puddles.
Forget the floor.
Forget the floor.
I'm talkin' 'bout the weather.
So the weather, we're looking in the sky.
Rain comes from the sky and drops.
But don't worry about the floor.
Rain is the reference.
Rain! Rain is the rain reference.
Rain is the reference.
Keep rain in your head.
Rain in your head.
A different type of rain.
Take the rain out the title.
Take the rain out the title.
It'sit's a type of rain.
It's a type of rain.
Sleet? Pissing rain.
You're nearly there.
You're nearly there.
Go through the whole thing.
So you got sleet - no.
Heavy - no.
Snow - fuck no.
Drizzle! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We made it.
That was brilliant.
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING) That was amazing.
(APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (CHEERING) OK.
I'm going for a wee.
We'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break: AUDIENCE CHANT: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! (SHOCKED LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Now we played this game last week but it always goes down really well.
It's an oldie and it's also very goldie, so we're playing it again this week.
It's Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, it's a word association game.
You mustn't stutter.
You mustn't repeat.
You mustn't laugh.
But, most of all, you mustn't show me your teeth.
The subject is Posh Fings.
Gimme posh fings.
Ascot! No.
With the hat.
Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHS) Diamonds.
Dinner parties.
Oh, very posh.
Very posh, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) In-breeding.
(LAUGHTER) Going to the opera.
Boiled rice.
(LAUGHS) Royls Royce.
(BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) I said it.
A cravat.
Ferrero Rocher.
(LAUGHS) (BUZZER) Yes! They're not posh.
Prince Harry.
Prince Harry.
Clay pigeon shooting.
Horse and carriage.
A sofa.
He drives a car.
Look at my fucking teeth.
(LAUGHTER) (BLEEP) I took that very badly.
(LAUGHTER) Jack the Ripper.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) He was fucking royal.
You know he was royal.
(LAUGHTER) He was part of the royal family, no? Yeah? (LAUGHTER) Fearne's team wins the point! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! Paddy, it says here you've got a new show out called Even Better Than The Real Thing.
Yes, sir.
What's it about? Anal sex? Is it what? Is it about anal sex? (LAUGHTER) It's not about anal sex on Saturday night on BBC1, funnily enough.
It's the world's best tribute acts Obviously.
all performing on the show.
Yeah, yeah.
Flown 'em all in from all over the world.
Ariana Grande - we flew her in from Brazil.
Whitney Houston coming in from South Africa.
The real Ariana Grande? The tribute act.
Oh, right, right.
Are you doing a Christmas show? A Christmas special.
Are they singing Christmas songs? All singing.
We've got Michael Buble.
The real one? No, not the real one.
I think that's what the show should be called - No, Not The Real One.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) 'No, not the real one.
' Not him, him.
Who else is on the Christmas one? John Lennon.
Real one? (LAUGHTER) No.
Michael Jackson.
Real one? No, it's a tribute show! (LAUGHTER) They're tribute acts.
We're fly 'em in from all over the world.
Does it have Paddy McGuinness in it? Go on.
Go on.
(LAUGHTER) Don't start.
The real one? Don't start.
(LAUGHTER) Don't start.
Have you ever run into a tribute act of you? Yes, Vernon Kay.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) There's a special person coming in tonight.
We've found out that they've come over from America and they're filming something here at Elstree Studios.
And umthey're gonna come in for Um, they're coming in just to say hello.
Which is amazing.
Definitely get your phones out.
I'm not joking.
Oh, here they are.
Audience, get your phones out for this.
Cos erit's none other than Kim Kardashian that's come to see us.
(LAUGHTER) It's Here she is.
Here she is.
Oh, my word.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (JIMMY LAUGHS) You've got beautiful eyes.
(WHISTLING) Oh, that Hey, Kim, um, thanks for coming in to see us.
It's, like, so great to be here.
Can I just say I fucking love Celebrity Juice? It's the best show on fucking TV.
(LAUGHTER) I'm sorry you couldn't come on the panel tonight.
I know you wanted to.
Oh, don't worry.
I totally love the panel.
In fact, I love them so fuckin' much, I'd like to kiss every one of them right now, on the lips.
(APPLAUSE) So, Kim wants to kiss every single one of you.
(LAUGHS) Kim, Kim, who would you like to kiss first? I wanna kiss Paddy next.
What's shurra boot? (CHEERING) Paddy, come and kiss Kim the Kardashian.
AUDIENCE CHANT: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Oh, fuck off.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Paddy, I'll remind you if you kiss Kim on the lips it's a whole point for your team.
You can tell your mates in t'pub.
You kissed Kim Kardashian on t'lips.
(GROANS) Hey, Keith, you know what I really wanna do? You know what I wanna do? I really wanna kiss Paddy with tongues.
Give him 50 points if he kisses me with his tongue.
Ohh! She's already got her tongue out, look.
What the fuck is that? She's got her tongue out.
'Kin 'ell.
It's a bit like your tribute show but she's real.
(LAUGHTER) Point for your team if you kiss her on the lips.
If you use your tongue - 50 points.
AUDIENCE: Eugh! (LAUGHTER) Oh, it's moving and everything.
(LAUGHTER) It's moving.
Arh! (LAUGHTER) Point for your team.
I'm going here.
MAN: Use your tongue.
You have beautiful eyes.
Thank you.
Can I sit down? (LAUGHTER) Kim, who would you like to kiss next? I'd just love to kiss that hottie, the guy who looks like a ventriloquists dummy.
Jimmy Carr! Fucking hell, he makes my clit pop out.
That's 50 points.
That's 50 points.
Ohh! I said 50 points.
You said 50 points.
Let's see an action replay to see that he did use tongues.
(SHOCKED LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Jimmy Carr, that's 50 points! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Kim's got to fly back to America now so say bye to Kim, everyone.
ALL: Bye! Hey, thanks for having me, you sexy bastards! Enjoy the rest of the show.
Kim Kardashian, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Someone get me a fucking 'oover.
Come here, come on.
Oh, my gosh, that was amazing.
Hey, I'm staying at the local Travelodge.
Room 69.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round aresha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going for a break now.
See you in a bit.
Go for a shit.
Ta-ra! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break (LAUGHTER) Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Ju-u-u-uice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All to play for in our final round - the buzzer round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
Holly, what is your buzzer this week? My buzzer this week is (JIMMY'S LAUGH) (LAUGHTER) Fearne, what's your buzzer? 'Shurra boot.
Here's the first question.
Which two famous Jims have we face-swapped here? 'Look at that boot.
' That's Fearne's team.
It's Carrey and Carr.
Curry? Curry? It's not about food.
I said Currey.
I didn't say it's about food.
If you 'care' about somebody.
How do you say 'care'? Say Care Bears.
Curr Bears.
(LAUGHTER) What's wrong with that?! What's wrong with that? Say Mariah Carey.
Fucking hell.
(LAUGHTER) Mariah Curey.
(LAUGHTER) It's nothing to do with food.
That is normal.
Are you giving us Jim Currey or what? (LAUGHTER) Just be southern for one minute.
There we go.
Jim fucking Carrey.
(APPLAUSE) Is that all right? Is that what you want? It's Jim Carrey and Jimmy Carr.
'Ey up.
Go get it.
Go and get it.
Go, go, go.
Go and get it.
Run, Paddy, run.
Run! Point for your team if you bring the lemon back.
Point for your team.
(SHRIEKING AND LAUGHTER) (SHRIEKING AND LAUGHTER) Point for your team if you bring the lemon back.
Where is it? Where is it? Where's the lemon? Where is it? (LAUGHTER) (BELL PINGS) Holly's team wins the point.
(LAUGHS) I'm all right.
(CHEERING) I'm all right.
What colour underwear is Mollie King wearing right now? (INDISTINCT BUZZER SPEECH) Fearne's team.
Shall I have a look? I'm going with I'm gonna go with commando.
HOLLY: I'm gonna go nude thong.
Have you got any on? No.
No?! She ain't got any on! He said commando.
Yes! # Land Of Hope And Glory (APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) Look who stood up.
Just these people.
I don't know if I should get the point cos I knew she wouldn't be wearing pants cos I stole them from her dressing room.
(LAUGHTER) I kept burrowing down and they just weren't there.
She let you have a good old look round.
(LAUGHTER) Mine go up to about here.
To keep her big fat dick in.
(LAUGHTER) OK, why is Paddy looking moody here? It's not cos he can't say Jim Carrey.
Why is he looking so moody? BUZZER: 'Let the something meet fucking something.
' (LAUGHTER) What was that? It were you, weren't it? JIMMY: I know this one.
Go on, I can hardly wait(!) It's your Grindr profile.
(LAUGHTER) And a lot of the guys that Paddy and I want to be with like that kind of moody look.
We both try to have quite a macho You're in a bathroom, on a toilet.
Having a shit! On a toilet? No.
Have you got something sticking through a glory hole? (LAUGHTER) Fucking hell.
(LAUGHTER) Have you got something I knew I recognised the taste.
Was that you? AUDIENCE: Ohh! Ohh! Jimmy! Oh, that's That's me That's me never sleeping again ever.
(LAUGHTER) Are you on the toilet? Are you on the toilet? I'm in a toilet, aren't I? Am I in a toilet? You're in the bog taking a selfie with a soap dispenser.
What are you doing? (LAUGHTER) Fucking no idea.
(LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) Literally no idea.
What's Mollie from The Saturdays doing here? BUZZER: 'Shurra boot!' JIMMY: Losing her knickers.
(LAUGHTER) That were Fearne's team.
It was about a month ago.
Was it a human centipede? (LAUGHTER) Jimmy, that is correct.
Let's have a look.
What do you mean? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Ha, ha! That's hilarious.
(KLAXON) Ohh! That's the end of the round and the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is He licked Kim Kardashian's mouth but was disqualified (FEARNE GASPS) No.
No, he wasn't.
It's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Boom.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance.
# MOLLIE KING: Hair Down # Gonna let my hair down # I just wanna dance now # Gonna let my hair down # I just wanna dance now # Don't call, I'm not home # Somebody's got to run the show Caller busy tone Bye-bye!