Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e06 Episode Script
Bruno Tonioli, Chris Ramsey, Joe Swash, Stacey Solomon, Kelly Brook, Anne Hegerty, Mark Labbett
1 I'm Keith Lemon, check out my sweet-arse titles! You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" It's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls! Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D - I fucking wish it was! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! I'm online! You're online! You're online! You're all online! You're online! You're online! You're online! Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, and I'm online! I'm online! Welcome to Celebrity Juice! You're online! Ooh, you must be on-fucking-line! Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he's back doon from the Toon - it's Chris Ramsey.
Thanks! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my right, I've got the smartest guests we've ever had on the show.
It's Anne and Mark from The Chase.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
Filling in for Holly, because she's still drunk, lying in a bush, pissing in a fox's mouth, it's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, you! AUDIENCE: Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Do I look like a fucking Gino to you? You even have my plaster cast behind me.
With a much smaller dick, by the way.
It's Bruno Tonioli, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bruno, don't fuck this up - who's on your team? Ladies and gentlemen, on my right, oh, they're so in love, the lovely, lovely Stacy Salmon .
.
Stacey Solomon and Joe Swash.
I could watch them tango all night, by the way.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left - I can feel a ten coming, really - the beautiful, #hot, Kelly Brooks.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We've got Kelly Brooks and Stacey (MUMBLES).
Stacey (MUMBLES).
How's it going? Very, very well.
You're in the middle of the new series of Strictly.
Yeah.
How's that going? Brilliant.
It's exciting, innit? It's incredible.
Bigger than ever.
We have a great time.
Yeah.
Joe, if you got famous enough, would you do Strictly? I er I'm not a very good dancer, so I don't know.
That's the point, you learn.
Stacey, what's he like? There's people that should probably never try stuff.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? I'm good at other stuff.
Yes.
Yes, you are.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, they know.
They know! Bruno, you've told people how to dance and everything in pop videos.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You've also starred in some of the videos.
You was in Elton John's video.
That was a long time ago.
Have we got a Yeah, we have got a clip.
Look out for Bruno.
There he is! # You just fade away # After all this time # Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind After all this time Look at that! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) FEARNE: That is so cool! I look exactly the same.
AUDIENCE: Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! That's the coolest thing ever.
I think you had a bit of a wedgie.
That's where he keeps his dough balls! Let's have a look.
It's not a camel's toe, it's a camel's boot.
I never had any complaints, my love.
It's the Chasers - it's Anne and Mark! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Anne and Mark from The Chase, this is incredible.
Normally, people that come on here, they've seen the show before, and I imagine you've never seen Celebrity Juice.
No, we have seen it.
So you're not thinking, "What the fuck am I doing here?" I am.
But I have seen it.
No, I promise you, you're gonna have a great time.
But I've gotta ask you the question - what the fuck are you doing here? It's very simple - revenge! Revenge? Joe Swash, you're going down! I beat him! How?! Exactly! How?! Joe Swash was on The Chase, and he beat the Chasers.
I smashed him - every question, I done him.
He was giving the big 'un, getting me the whole show - I took him down.
How long have you been married, you two? He's been married a few years, I haven't.
Are you not married? Brother and sister? Are you not related? We've been accused of being brother and sister, being an item, of being the same person.
Yeah? CHRIS: I can see that! Yeah.
(APPLAUSE) Mark, are you scientifically a giant? Yes, I'm over 1 metre 98, so, yes, I am.
A giant! Does that mean you're big all over, or just tall? Ask Stacey.
Oh! Is he? (APPLAUSE) You've all got quite sexy names.
You're the Beast.
Anne, you're the Governess.
Yes.
It's a word everybody misunderstands.
They think, "You're the governor of a women's prison.
" No, no.
So what is the message? The Governess is supposed to be a female private tutor to small children.
No, that's the character you're playing, what's the message? What?! What's the message? The message of the Governess is, "You are fucking going down!" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # Move, bitch, get out the way Get out the way, bitch, get out the way Hey, it's Kelly Brook! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Lovely Kelly Brook, always smiling, lovely, happy face.
How are you? I'm good.
It's nice to be back, actually.
You're into gardening now, innit? I live in the countryside now - that's all there is to do there.
We've got a picture of you doing some gardening.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah.
I guess you'll be bringing a sexy edge to gardening? I don't know, really.
Yeah.
Everything she touches seems to grow.
(APPLAUSE) I bet you can make anything in gardening sexy, can't you, Kelly? Let's test it out - I'll go and get some gardening apparatus.
Oh, God.
This is commonly known as a wheelbarrow.
It will be sexy if she's pushing it.
What do I do? First of all, what's that called? Is it a rake? Yeah.
How can you make that look sexy? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I thought this were gonna fall to shit, but this is working.
# Ooh, love to love you, baby Ooh What about this potted plant here, how can that be sexy? I can just present it like that.
Oh, yeah, and we do a close-up? What if you held it a bit lower? That's your flower.
What about a watering can, how can that be sexy? Something like (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # Deeper and deeper # In love with you I'm falling Sweeter and sweeter (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) But erm you're still seeing the same fella you've been seeing for a while.
He's Italian, yeah? Yeah.
I thought he was French? He lives in France, but he's Italian.
You make a lovely couple.
You look like a pair of models.
We've been together two and a half years.
Well done.
(APPLAUSE) I know, goes by quick.
Can you give us an exclusive? You what I'm saying? I'd like to get married, yeah.
That's nice.
Will you marry me? (LAUGHS) No.
BRUNO: That was quick! That was a weird way into that question.
I've got someone now, it's too late! If you split up.
Why didn't you ask me two and a half years ago? Oh, fuckballs! Hey, talking of love, it's Joe and Stacey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) They're so in love! They're the most perfect couple! Stacey, you talk openly on Loose Women about your problems with Joe.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
We recently learned that he won't come round to your house if you've got your blood egg.
That's a lie! That's not what I said! That's not what I said! I said, as a joke, we were all talking about periods, and then they said, "What does Joe do when you're on?" I was like, "He don't bother coming round.
" I always offer to put the towel down, and she never says yes.
(APPLAUSE) Brilliant.
You're not gonna get it tonight.
He wasn't gonna get it anyway.
He wasn't gonna get it anyway! Don't high-five her, Bruno! She told the nation I don't go round when she's on her period! It was a joke! She didn't tell it as a joke, she said, "Yeah," and left it there.
Then, a couple of weeks later, told them I don't make her orgasm.
Whoa! Not what I said.
Did he make you orgasm in this picture? Are you still connected there? We were just lying together.
Are you still connected? A little bit.
Are you one unit? A little bit.
Nothing's happening! We were a little bit.
No, we were not! That is not true.
You're very open about your love, aren't you? Yeah, I love him! Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's a great guy.
Cheers.
That's the first nice thing she's said on telly about me! That's not true.
She was joking! (APPLAUSE) Bruno, you've been on television for many, many years, haven't you? Many, many years.
What is it that makes a winning format? I think you have to connect with the audience.
Yeah.
They make you who you are.
You know, basically, you do it for them.
Basically, what you've done is describe our next game.
I think this could be a show in itself, and I think it's a show that could rival Strictly.
Does it? Because we all smell things, we all have noses, so let's play (APPLAUSE) Hi, welcome to the Sniff my Fingers arena.
Basically, one person from each panel will come up, I will dip my fingers into some kind of residue, then I will put my fingers under your nose while you are blindfolded, and you'll have to give me the ID of the residue in which I have just poked.
You win a point for every one you get correct.
First up, it's Anne! Bollocks! (APPLAUSE) # OUTKAST: "Roses" You've got this! I was sitting there going, "Don't pick me!" Get us a point, Anne.
Get us a point.
Stand here.
You can't see anything, can you? No.
Right, you ready? Oh Yeah? Yeah, all right.
OK, Governess, let's see if you're ready for this.
For the audience at home, this is what it is.
AUDIENCE: Oh! OK, that's not good.
That's not a good sound.
Here goes.
I'll just open it up there.
JOE: That's so bad! Whoever goes last in this, with the same fingers, it's gonna be a fucking nightmare! Howay, man! (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) One, two, three, sniff my fingers.
Oh, poo.
Oh, oh, oh.
No, it's not poo.
Is it something that's like a fish, like a shark? Whale? No.
Whale?! I don't know, could be.
Yeah.
I've just dipped my fingers into a whale.
Er, I'm thinking Do you want some clues? Yes.
You might put this on your toast.
Shark paste.
Shark paste.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) Oh, bollocks! Take it off.
It was crab paste! Oh, hey! Oh, Anne! (APPLAUSE) Anne, everyone! JOE: I wouldn't have said shark paste! We wanted to get shark paste, but we couldn't find any in Sainsbury's.
Next up, it's Kelly Brook.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! # OUTKAST: "Roses" It'd be a good t-shirt, wouldn't it? Can you just put one finger in? Does it have to be two? Depends what you like, missus.
No, cos it's not as strong! (SIGHS) You're sick! Some things just write themselves, don't they? I'll start with one, then I'll go with two - that's what I normally do.
Don't put three.
Keith, full fist, mate.
(APPLAUSE) For everybody at home, this is what it is.
AUDIENCE: Ugh! Oh, really?! Are you ready? Is it fish? FEARNE: Oh, you wish, Kelly.
Oh, are you serious?! No! (AUDIENCE GROAN) Oh, no! What is it? FEARNE: I can't handle this one.
I swear to God, if this touches me (APPLAUSE) Are you ready? No.
Don't move.
Oh, don't touch me with it! Sniff my fingers! One, two, three.
One, two, three, sniff my fingers! I can't! No! Dog food! It's dog food! No.
It's cat food.
That's correct! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, it made my eyes water.
That made my eyes water.
Oh, you're sick! All in my fingernails! (GROANS) Next up, it's Christopher Ramsay.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # OUTKAST: "Roses" Just for hygiene reasons, for this one, I have to wear a glove.
Oh, for That's just terrifying.
I'm not gonna touch you, you're just gonna smell something! You ready? Erm, so, for you guys at home, this is what it is.
Oh! AUDIENCE: Oh! I'm getting sick.
FEARNE: Oh, I can't even watch.
JOE: It's bad.
I've had it before.
It's so bad.
Will everyone shut up! (RETCHES) JOE: Keith, Keith.
Swash, fuck off! There it is.
Oh, my God! No! So scared! Smell it, Stacey! Smell it! I don't know what that is, but I'll be honest, I'm starting to like it a little bit.
Can you smell it, Anne, from there? Are you all right, Anne? I'm absolutely fine.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) What was that? It was liquid shit.
(APPLAUSE) I can still smell it, don't spray it again.
Don't you fucking dare! And the scores at the end of that round are, literally, shitting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, I'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break The swiftest chicken I've ever seen, he's like lightning.
The crowd are supporting him.
Oh, the Chaser (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Mash it up! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! During the ad break, my main bredrens Chris and Joe, they got mashed up on chicken and wanted to play The Hoodie Race, so let's play.
Here it is, wagwan, The Hoodie Race.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Recognise! All you've gotta do is race through the corridors of Elstree Studios into the studio to win some sweet, sweet chicken.
You got me? I got you! You'll also win a point for your team, yeah? I know you're mashed up and ready for this, you probably think it's gonna be easy.
Yeah.
It ain't gonna be so easy, because you will go on the first sound of the chicken, on the second sound of the chicken, you're gonna get chased by the Chasers.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Recognise! This is the track - we go down here, we go down here, all the way down the corridor.
Some well famous people have been this corridor before.
Out here, into what I like to call the bruvs.
Here's my crowd.
Here's the crowd, here's the crowd.
Then we go in the studio.
Here we are in the studio.
This is the right wing of the studio.
They go up the ramp here.
Right up here.
Recognise.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Where they get them sweet, sweet chicken and a point for their team.
Ready? Yeah.
Yes.
Are you steady? Yeah.
Go! Joe's in the lead.
Look at him - he's the swiftest chicken I've ever seen.
He's like lightning.
Into the bruvs, where the crowd are supporting him.
Oh, the Chasers are close behind him.
Mark's gonna catch Ramsay, by the looks of it.
Joe's still in the lead.
None of them have been caught.
Swash is down! Swash is down! Now Ramsay's down.
He hasn't got the chicken.
Get the chicken.
Joe's got the chicken.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) Ramsay, stop breakdancing.
I can't move! Help me up! Thank you! That means a point goes to Bruno's team.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Recognise! Mark, is it true that you eat a lot? What's your favourite baked potato? Favourite baked potato - the last one I've just eaten.
What was the filling? I've gotta say .
.
I reckon baked beans with a bit of cheese on top.
It wasn't going anywhere, I was just interested.
Cheese first, or beans? Definitely the beans.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Cheese, beans, cheese! Always cheese first, innit? Cheese, beans, cheese! Chuck a bit onion in there.
A bit of onion goes down a treat.
Get a bit of onion in there! You've gotta get a bit of onion! Half an onion's better than no fucking onion! Get a bit of onion in there! (SIGHS) You've got to! It's hard to get you back, as well.
But you've gotta get a bit of onion in there! No, seriously! It does taste nice with onion.
Bruno, are you familiar with the term "dogging"? Dogging? Yes.
You mean me doing it doggy-style? No, no, no, you know, dogging.
Dogging? I haven't got a clue.
What's dogging? It's when you go to a car park or a forest, and watch people have sex in a car.
I don't need to do that, love.
Maybe you do.
You don't need to do it, but we are, so let's play an oldie but goldie Shh.
Oh! What's happening? Keep it down! Keep it down.
What's gonna happen in this round is, the panellists are gonna get in the back and pretend to be a celebrity dogger.
All you have to do is correctly guess who they're gonna be.
It's fun, innit? Celebrity Dogging is fun.
It's great fun.
When we've finished the game, can I take a pair of these home? Yes.
This is too small, by the way.
We'll get you a bigger one.
I'm gonna join the celebrities, so I'll also be a celebrity dogger.
We've got a rolling dildo - it won't stay still.
No, we're OK.
Yeah, you're in.
Turn the lights off.
Turn the lights off.
That's romantic, isn't it? Very nice.
He's doing something very rude to you.
Oh, my God Almighty! Can I have my first dogging partner, please.
Shh! Shh, shh! There's another celebrity dogger.
Just act normal, Bruno.
Yeah, be normal.
Do you come here often, then? No, do you? Not really, cos I'm from Manchester.
Oh, not far from here.
I'm from Manchester, I'm a miserable bugger.
I don't know where I am.
I'm miserable.
I've got a brother.
I don't like my brother.
Liam Gallagher.
Good! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Very good! I've never done doggy, but I like it, it's nice.
Oh, no, it is, isn't it? It is.
Alan Carr? Yes.
Oh, my God, you're brilliant! Hello, I'm from Dundee.
I'm lovely.
Everybody thinks I'm lovely.
I wear beautiful dresses.
What accent Who is the woman? Lorraine's in the car having some dogging.
Well, I'd love to go dogging with Lorraine, I think she's absolutely fan-n-tastic.
No, I do.
I think she's fan-n-tastic.
Is it a nice, gentle bit of dogging with Gary Barlow? Yes! Lorraine Kelly and Gary Barlow, that's good! Great! Can I have our next celebrity dogger.
Shh! I thought we were just going for a gentle ride in the countryside.
Oh, Stacey.
Come on, Stacey.
It's not Stacey.
(SCREECHES) Hello! Everything I say, I shout! What? Bouncy balls! What?! Hello! Is it your Joe? Yeah.
Aw! Squeaky Joe.
Beautiful Joe.
Leave it out, weasel tits! Get your fucking lips round that, you sexy (BLEEP)! Yeah, that's Danny Dyer.
Yeah, it's Danny Dyer, yeah.
Danny Dyer does not say those things.
He's a nice guy! Get out of my bum, you mug! (QUACKS) Wait.
What?! Hold on, bear with me.
(QUACKS) These dildoes stink! It's a duck.
Are these from charity shops? Oh! Ho-ho! (QUACKS) Wanker.
(QUACKS) Donald Duck.
Yes! Oh! There we go! Well done, Stacey Solomon.
Thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE) It's really warm.
I'm not warm.
Can I have my next celebrity dogger, please.
Shh.
I like dogging.
I er I have very small hands.
Anyone who says I don't have small hands is fake news.
I like being pissed on.
Donald Trump! Yeah.
Donald Trump! Yes.
Oh, you're amazing.
Oh, it's amazing.
I think it's amazing.
I have a wonderful life, it's so amazing.
Who's that fucking bitch? Oh, God! I'm amazing.
You're amazing.
Oh, it's amazing.
Cheryl Cole.
No.
Is it our Holly? Phillip Schofield's amazing.
Yes, Holly! She's amazing.
"Who's that fucking bitch?" "Who's that fucking bitch?" You can take the arsehole and I'll take the minge.
What are these two bits? You can either It's like a jellyfish.
You can go from the bumhole into the vagina.
That's tiny! A bumhole is tiny! Have you never done it in the bum? Oh, I'm getting out! Chris Ramsay! # Ah, ah, ah, ah # Staying alive, staying alive # Ah, ah, ah, ah Staying ali-i-i-i-ive Can I have my next celebrity dogger, please.
Don't be rude to Kelly.
I'm coming in! Ouch! What is that? It's a sex toy, innit! Oh, another one? Yeah, what's that one? That's for your tuppence, innit? Yeah, that's for your clitoris.
I'll give you a clue, it's not a visual impression - we haven't got the Mitchell brothers in.
OK.
G'day, mate, I'm from Australia, and, you know, I'm probably no bigger than this little thing here.
Oh! Kylie Minogue! Kylie.
Get out, you're fired.
I don't watch the programme! You're sacked, you (BLEEP).
Lord Sugar.
Alan Sugar! It's, "You're fired.
" I don't watch it! "You've lost your job.
" (KLAXON SOUNDS) Kelly, would you like to do the scores? Down this camera.
And the scores are, dogging! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break.
We're off for a wee, I'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break.
If you're a young man at home, are you ready to enjoy yourself? This is my gift from me to you.
Ow! Not that hard! No! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's now time to play Five Second Fool Extreme! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, my name's Keith Lemon, welcome to Five Second Fool Extreme.
One question, three answers, five seconds.
Hello, Kelly Brook.
Are you ready to enjoy yourself? I don't know.
If you're a young man at home, are you ready to enjoy yourself? My gift from me to you.
Get the tissues, you know what to do.
Let's turn you on.
Ow! Not that hard! No! I'm gonna take off! Ow! Kelly, three different words for boobs.
Tits, ta-tas, bazookas.
Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Give me three of the longest words you know.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Help me, guys.
Oh, no.
You could have said "because" and "juxtapose".
Three things you can do in a car.
Blowjob, have sex, drive.
Drive last! (APPLAUSE) Can we just have an action replay of that, please, in slow-motion.
# She may be the face I can't forget The trace of pleasure or regret Dirty.
Next up is one of the brainiest people in the UK, it's Joe Swash.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is hard, innit? Let's do this! Three things you do on a rainy day.
I stay in and watch telly, I maybe have a bath, and a little wank.
(APPLAUSE) A little one.
Three things that are cute.
Stacey, a little rabbit and a .
.
a little cat.
A little what? A little cat! A cat? Three things you would say to a dead spider.
"Oh, I'm sorry you're dead.
" "What about your mum?" "Better luck next time.
" (APPLAUSE) Joe Swash, everyone! (KLAXON SOUNDS) OK, there's all to play for in our final round, The Buzzer Round.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and have a guess.
Bruno's team, what's your buzzer? 'Bouncy ball!' Bouncy ball - Joe Swash being vocal.
Fearne, what's your buzzer? 'Chase me, I'll give you a blowjob.
' You dirty pigs.
First question - which three guests have been mashed up here? 'Bouncy ball.
' That's Bruno's team.
Bruno, Kelly.
Who's the hair? Chris Ramsay.
It's Chris Ramsay's hair! You say it's Chris Ramsay, Bruno and Kelly.
That's correct.
Well done! That is my hair! Is this Mark happy or Mark angry? 'Oh, look.
Ooh, I don't know.
' Happy! That was Bruno's team.
Let's have a look.
Yes, he's happy! (APPLAUSE) Is this Mark happy or is this Mark angry? 'Coo-ee! Chase me!' Fearne's team.
I think you're very happy.
Even happier.
Let's have a look.
(BUZZ) No, he's angry as fuck.
Very serious about life.
Who wore it better, Joe Swash or this chimp? 'Chase me, you fucking (BLEEP).
' Definitely the chimp.
It's the ears, innit? The ears look the same.
That was Fearne's team.
Chimp.
Correct, it is the chimp.
Which one of these is the real Bruno? 'Bouncy ball.
' STACEY: I know this! That's Bruno's team.
It's the one in the middle, right in the middle.
Fifth one in.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, that's correct.
(APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) That's the end of the round, that's the end of Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is .
.
Bruno! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I can't believe it! It's not you! It was Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, you motherfucker! If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # WHITNEY HOUSTON: "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" Bye-bye!
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls! Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D - I fucking wish it was! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! I'm online! You're online! You're online! You're all online! You're online! You're online! You're online! Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, and I'm online! I'm online! Welcome to Celebrity Juice! You're online! Ooh, you must be on-fucking-line! Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he's back doon from the Toon - it's Chris Ramsey.
Thanks! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my right, I've got the smartest guests we've ever had on the show.
It's Anne and Mark from The Chase.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
Filling in for Holly, because she's still drunk, lying in a bush, pissing in a fox's mouth, it's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, you! AUDIENCE: Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! Do I look like a fucking Gino to you? You even have my plaster cast behind me.
With a much smaller dick, by the way.
It's Bruno Tonioli, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Bruno, don't fuck this up - who's on your team? Ladies and gentlemen, on my right, oh, they're so in love, the lovely, lovely Stacy Salmon .
.
Stacey Solomon and Joe Swash.
I could watch them tango all night, by the way.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left - I can feel a ten coming, really - the beautiful, #hot, Kelly Brooks.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We've got Kelly Brooks and Stacey (MUMBLES).
Stacey (MUMBLES).
How's it going? Very, very well.
You're in the middle of the new series of Strictly.
Yeah.
How's that going? Brilliant.
It's exciting, innit? It's incredible.
Bigger than ever.
We have a great time.
Yeah.
Joe, if you got famous enough, would you do Strictly? I er I'm not a very good dancer, so I don't know.
That's the point, you learn.
Stacey, what's he like? There's people that should probably never try stuff.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? I'm good at other stuff.
Yes.
Yes, you are.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, they know.
They know! Bruno, you've told people how to dance and everything in pop videos.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You've also starred in some of the videos.
You was in Elton John's video.
That was a long time ago.
Have we got a Yeah, we have got a clip.
Look out for Bruno.
There he is! # You just fade away # After all this time # Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind After all this time Look at that! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) FEARNE: That is so cool! I look exactly the same.
AUDIENCE: Bruno! Bruno! Bruno! That's the coolest thing ever.
I think you had a bit of a wedgie.
That's where he keeps his dough balls! Let's have a look.
It's not a camel's toe, it's a camel's boot.
I never had any complaints, my love.
It's the Chasers - it's Anne and Mark! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Anne and Mark from The Chase, this is incredible.
Normally, people that come on here, they've seen the show before, and I imagine you've never seen Celebrity Juice.
No, we have seen it.
So you're not thinking, "What the fuck am I doing here?" I am.
But I have seen it.
No, I promise you, you're gonna have a great time.
But I've gotta ask you the question - what the fuck are you doing here? It's very simple - revenge! Revenge? Joe Swash, you're going down! I beat him! How?! Exactly! How?! Joe Swash was on The Chase, and he beat the Chasers.
I smashed him - every question, I done him.
He was giving the big 'un, getting me the whole show - I took him down.
How long have you been married, you two? He's been married a few years, I haven't.
Are you not married? Brother and sister? Are you not related? We've been accused of being brother and sister, being an item, of being the same person.
Yeah? CHRIS: I can see that! Yeah.
(APPLAUSE) Mark, are you scientifically a giant? Yes, I'm over 1 metre 98, so, yes, I am.
A giant! Does that mean you're big all over, or just tall? Ask Stacey.
Oh! Is he? (APPLAUSE) You've all got quite sexy names.
You're the Beast.
Anne, you're the Governess.
Yes.
It's a word everybody misunderstands.
They think, "You're the governor of a women's prison.
" No, no.
So what is the message? The Governess is supposed to be a female private tutor to small children.
No, that's the character you're playing, what's the message? What?! What's the message? The message of the Governess is, "You are fucking going down!" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # Move, bitch, get out the way Get out the way, bitch, get out the way Hey, it's Kelly Brook! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Lovely Kelly Brook, always smiling, lovely, happy face.
How are you? I'm good.
It's nice to be back, actually.
You're into gardening now, innit? I live in the countryside now - that's all there is to do there.
We've got a picture of you doing some gardening.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah.
I guess you'll be bringing a sexy edge to gardening? I don't know, really.
Yeah.
Everything she touches seems to grow.
(APPLAUSE) I bet you can make anything in gardening sexy, can't you, Kelly? Let's test it out - I'll go and get some gardening apparatus.
Oh, God.
This is commonly known as a wheelbarrow.
It will be sexy if she's pushing it.
What do I do? First of all, what's that called? Is it a rake? Yeah.
How can you make that look sexy? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I thought this were gonna fall to shit, but this is working.
# Ooh, love to love you, baby Ooh What about this potted plant here, how can that be sexy? I can just present it like that.
Oh, yeah, and we do a close-up? What if you held it a bit lower? That's your flower.
What about a watering can, how can that be sexy? Something like (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # Deeper and deeper # In love with you I'm falling Sweeter and sweeter (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) But erm you're still seeing the same fella you've been seeing for a while.
He's Italian, yeah? Yeah.
I thought he was French? He lives in France, but he's Italian.
You make a lovely couple.
You look like a pair of models.
We've been together two and a half years.
Well done.
(APPLAUSE) I know, goes by quick.
Can you give us an exclusive? You what I'm saying? I'd like to get married, yeah.
That's nice.
Will you marry me? (LAUGHS) No.
BRUNO: That was quick! That was a weird way into that question.
I've got someone now, it's too late! If you split up.
Why didn't you ask me two and a half years ago? Oh, fuckballs! Hey, talking of love, it's Joe and Stacey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) They're so in love! They're the most perfect couple! Stacey, you talk openly on Loose Women about your problems with Joe.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
We recently learned that he won't come round to your house if you've got your blood egg.
That's a lie! That's not what I said! That's not what I said! I said, as a joke, we were all talking about periods, and then they said, "What does Joe do when you're on?" I was like, "He don't bother coming round.
" I always offer to put the towel down, and she never says yes.
(APPLAUSE) Brilliant.
You're not gonna get it tonight.
He wasn't gonna get it anyway.
He wasn't gonna get it anyway! Don't high-five her, Bruno! She told the nation I don't go round when she's on her period! It was a joke! She didn't tell it as a joke, she said, "Yeah," and left it there.
Then, a couple of weeks later, told them I don't make her orgasm.
Whoa! Not what I said.
Did he make you orgasm in this picture? Are you still connected there? We were just lying together.
Are you still connected? A little bit.
Are you one unit? A little bit.
Nothing's happening! We were a little bit.
No, we were not! That is not true.
You're very open about your love, aren't you? Yeah, I love him! Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's a great guy.
Cheers.
That's the first nice thing she's said on telly about me! That's not true.
She was joking! (APPLAUSE) Bruno, you've been on television for many, many years, haven't you? Many, many years.
What is it that makes a winning format? I think you have to connect with the audience.
Yeah.
They make you who you are.
You know, basically, you do it for them.
Basically, what you've done is describe our next game.
I think this could be a show in itself, and I think it's a show that could rival Strictly.
Does it? Because we all smell things, we all have noses, so let's play (APPLAUSE) Hi, welcome to the Sniff my Fingers arena.
Basically, one person from each panel will come up, I will dip my fingers into some kind of residue, then I will put my fingers under your nose while you are blindfolded, and you'll have to give me the ID of the residue in which I have just poked.
You win a point for every one you get correct.
First up, it's Anne! Bollocks! (APPLAUSE) # OUTKAST: "Roses" You've got this! I was sitting there going, "Don't pick me!" Get us a point, Anne.
Get us a point.
Stand here.
You can't see anything, can you? No.
Right, you ready? Oh Yeah? Yeah, all right.
OK, Governess, let's see if you're ready for this.
For the audience at home, this is what it is.
AUDIENCE: Oh! OK, that's not good.
That's not a good sound.
Here goes.
I'll just open it up there.
JOE: That's so bad! Whoever goes last in this, with the same fingers, it's gonna be a fucking nightmare! Howay, man! (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) (SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) One, two, three, sniff my fingers.
Oh, poo.
Oh, oh, oh.
No, it's not poo.
Is it something that's like a fish, like a shark? Whale? No.
Whale?! I don't know, could be.
Yeah.
I've just dipped my fingers into a whale.
Er, I'm thinking Do you want some clues? Yes.
You might put this on your toast.
Shark paste.
Shark paste.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) Oh, bollocks! Take it off.
It was crab paste! Oh, hey! Oh, Anne! (APPLAUSE) Anne, everyone! JOE: I wouldn't have said shark paste! We wanted to get shark paste, but we couldn't find any in Sainsbury's.
Next up, it's Kelly Brook.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! # OUTKAST: "Roses" It'd be a good t-shirt, wouldn't it? Can you just put one finger in? Does it have to be two? Depends what you like, missus.
No, cos it's not as strong! (SIGHS) You're sick! Some things just write themselves, don't they? I'll start with one, then I'll go with two - that's what I normally do.
Don't put three.
Keith, full fist, mate.
(APPLAUSE) For everybody at home, this is what it is.
AUDIENCE: Ugh! Oh, really?! Are you ready? Is it fish? FEARNE: Oh, you wish, Kelly.
Oh, are you serious?! No! (AUDIENCE GROAN) Oh, no! What is it? FEARNE: I can't handle this one.
I swear to God, if this touches me (APPLAUSE) Are you ready? No.
Don't move.
Oh, don't touch me with it! Sniff my fingers! One, two, three.
One, two, three, sniff my fingers! I can't! No! Dog food! It's dog food! No.
It's cat food.
That's correct! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, it made my eyes water.
That made my eyes water.
Oh, you're sick! All in my fingernails! (GROANS) Next up, it's Christopher Ramsay.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # OUTKAST: "Roses" Just for hygiene reasons, for this one, I have to wear a glove.
Oh, for That's just terrifying.
I'm not gonna touch you, you're just gonna smell something! You ready? Erm, so, for you guys at home, this is what it is.
Oh! AUDIENCE: Oh! I'm getting sick.
FEARNE: Oh, I can't even watch.
JOE: It's bad.
I've had it before.
It's so bad.
Will everyone shut up! (RETCHES) JOE: Keith, Keith.
Swash, fuck off! There it is.
Oh, my God! No! So scared! Smell it, Stacey! Smell it! I don't know what that is, but I'll be honest, I'm starting to like it a little bit.
Can you smell it, Anne, from there? Are you all right, Anne? I'm absolutely fine.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) What was that? It was liquid shit.
(APPLAUSE) I can still smell it, don't spray it again.
Don't you fucking dare! And the scores at the end of that round are, literally, shitting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break, I'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break The swiftest chicken I've ever seen, he's like lightning.
The crowd are supporting him.
Oh, the Chaser (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Mash it up! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! During the ad break, my main bredrens Chris and Joe, they got mashed up on chicken and wanted to play The Hoodie Race, so let's play.
Here it is, wagwan, The Hoodie Race.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Recognise! All you've gotta do is race through the corridors of Elstree Studios into the studio to win some sweet, sweet chicken.
You got me? I got you! You'll also win a point for your team, yeah? I know you're mashed up and ready for this, you probably think it's gonna be easy.
Yeah.
It ain't gonna be so easy, because you will go on the first sound of the chicken, on the second sound of the chicken, you're gonna get chased by the Chasers.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Recognise! This is the track - we go down here, we go down here, all the way down the corridor.
Some well famous people have been this corridor before.
Out here, into what I like to call the bruvs.
Here's my crowd.
Here's the crowd, here's the crowd.
Then we go in the studio.
Here we are in the studio.
This is the right wing of the studio.
They go up the ramp here.
Right up here.
Recognise.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Where they get them sweet, sweet chicken and a point for their team.
Ready? Yeah.
Yes.
Are you steady? Yeah.
Go! Joe's in the lead.
Look at him - he's the swiftest chicken I've ever seen.
He's like lightning.
Into the bruvs, where the crowd are supporting him.
Oh, the Chasers are close behind him.
Mark's gonna catch Ramsay, by the looks of it.
Joe's still in the lead.
None of them have been caught.
Swash is down! Swash is down! Now Ramsay's down.
He hasn't got the chicken.
Get the chicken.
Joe's got the chicken.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) Ramsay, stop breakdancing.
I can't move! Help me up! Thank you! That means a point goes to Bruno's team.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Recognise! Mark, is it true that you eat a lot? What's your favourite baked potato? Favourite baked potato - the last one I've just eaten.
What was the filling? I've gotta say .
.
I reckon baked beans with a bit of cheese on top.
It wasn't going anywhere, I was just interested.
Cheese first, or beans? Definitely the beans.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Cheese, beans, cheese! Always cheese first, innit? Cheese, beans, cheese! Chuck a bit onion in there.
A bit of onion goes down a treat.
Get a bit of onion in there! You've gotta get a bit of onion! Half an onion's better than no fucking onion! Get a bit of onion in there! (SIGHS) You've got to! It's hard to get you back, as well.
But you've gotta get a bit of onion in there! No, seriously! It does taste nice with onion.
Bruno, are you familiar with the term "dogging"? Dogging? Yes.
You mean me doing it doggy-style? No, no, no, you know, dogging.
Dogging? I haven't got a clue.
What's dogging? It's when you go to a car park or a forest, and watch people have sex in a car.
I don't need to do that, love.
Maybe you do.
You don't need to do it, but we are, so let's play an oldie but goldie Shh.
Oh! What's happening? Keep it down! Keep it down.
What's gonna happen in this round is, the panellists are gonna get in the back and pretend to be a celebrity dogger.
All you have to do is correctly guess who they're gonna be.
It's fun, innit? Celebrity Dogging is fun.
It's great fun.
When we've finished the game, can I take a pair of these home? Yes.
This is too small, by the way.
We'll get you a bigger one.
I'm gonna join the celebrities, so I'll also be a celebrity dogger.
We've got a rolling dildo - it won't stay still.
No, we're OK.
Yeah, you're in.
Turn the lights off.
Turn the lights off.
That's romantic, isn't it? Very nice.
He's doing something very rude to you.
Oh, my God Almighty! Can I have my first dogging partner, please.
Shh! Shh, shh! There's another celebrity dogger.
Just act normal, Bruno.
Yeah, be normal.
Do you come here often, then? No, do you? Not really, cos I'm from Manchester.
Oh, not far from here.
I'm from Manchester, I'm a miserable bugger.
I don't know where I am.
I'm miserable.
I've got a brother.
I don't like my brother.
Liam Gallagher.
Good! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Very good! I've never done doggy, but I like it, it's nice.
Oh, no, it is, isn't it? It is.
Alan Carr? Yes.
Oh, my God, you're brilliant! Hello, I'm from Dundee.
I'm lovely.
Everybody thinks I'm lovely.
I wear beautiful dresses.
What accent Who is the woman? Lorraine's in the car having some dogging.
Well, I'd love to go dogging with Lorraine, I think she's absolutely fan-n-tastic.
No, I do.
I think she's fan-n-tastic.
Is it a nice, gentle bit of dogging with Gary Barlow? Yes! Lorraine Kelly and Gary Barlow, that's good! Great! Can I have our next celebrity dogger.
Shh! I thought we were just going for a gentle ride in the countryside.
Oh, Stacey.
Come on, Stacey.
It's not Stacey.
(SCREECHES) Hello! Everything I say, I shout! What? Bouncy balls! What?! Hello! Is it your Joe? Yeah.
Aw! Squeaky Joe.
Beautiful Joe.
Leave it out, weasel tits! Get your fucking lips round that, you sexy (BLEEP)! Yeah, that's Danny Dyer.
Yeah, it's Danny Dyer, yeah.
Danny Dyer does not say those things.
He's a nice guy! Get out of my bum, you mug! (QUACKS) Wait.
What?! Hold on, bear with me.
(QUACKS) These dildoes stink! It's a duck.
Are these from charity shops? Oh! Ho-ho! (QUACKS) Wanker.
(QUACKS) Donald Duck.
Yes! Oh! There we go! Well done, Stacey Solomon.
Thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE) It's really warm.
I'm not warm.
Can I have my next celebrity dogger, please.
Shh.
I like dogging.
I er I have very small hands.
Anyone who says I don't have small hands is fake news.
I like being pissed on.
Donald Trump! Yeah.
Donald Trump! Yes.
Oh, you're amazing.
Oh, it's amazing.
I think it's amazing.
I have a wonderful life, it's so amazing.
Who's that fucking bitch? Oh, God! I'm amazing.
You're amazing.
Oh, it's amazing.
Cheryl Cole.
No.
Is it our Holly? Phillip Schofield's amazing.
Yes, Holly! She's amazing.
"Who's that fucking bitch?" "Who's that fucking bitch?" You can take the arsehole and I'll take the minge.
What are these two bits? You can either It's like a jellyfish.
You can go from the bumhole into the vagina.
That's tiny! A bumhole is tiny! Have you never done it in the bum? Oh, I'm getting out! Chris Ramsay! # Ah, ah, ah, ah # Staying alive, staying alive # Ah, ah, ah, ah Staying ali-i-i-i-ive Can I have my next celebrity dogger, please.
Don't be rude to Kelly.
I'm coming in! Ouch! What is that? It's a sex toy, innit! Oh, another one? Yeah, what's that one? That's for your tuppence, innit? Yeah, that's for your clitoris.
I'll give you a clue, it's not a visual impression - we haven't got the Mitchell brothers in.
OK.
G'day, mate, I'm from Australia, and, you know, I'm probably no bigger than this little thing here.
Oh! Kylie Minogue! Kylie.
Get out, you're fired.
I don't watch the programme! You're sacked, you (BLEEP).
Lord Sugar.
Alan Sugar! It's, "You're fired.
" I don't watch it! "You've lost your job.
" (KLAXON SOUNDS) Kelly, would you like to do the scores? Down this camera.
And the scores are, dogging! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break.
We're off for a wee, I'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break.
If you're a young man at home, are you ready to enjoy yourself? This is my gift from me to you.
Ow! Not that hard! No! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's now time to play Five Second Fool Extreme! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi, my name's Keith Lemon, welcome to Five Second Fool Extreme.
One question, three answers, five seconds.
Hello, Kelly Brook.
Are you ready to enjoy yourself? I don't know.
If you're a young man at home, are you ready to enjoy yourself? My gift from me to you.
Get the tissues, you know what to do.
Let's turn you on.
Ow! Not that hard! No! I'm gonna take off! Ow! Kelly, three different words for boobs.
Tits, ta-tas, bazookas.
Yes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Give me three of the longest words you know.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Help me, guys.
Oh, no.
You could have said "because" and "juxtapose".
Three things you can do in a car.
Blowjob, have sex, drive.
Drive last! (APPLAUSE) Can we just have an action replay of that, please, in slow-motion.
# She may be the face I can't forget The trace of pleasure or regret Dirty.
Next up is one of the brainiest people in the UK, it's Joe Swash.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is hard, innit? Let's do this! Three things you do on a rainy day.
I stay in and watch telly, I maybe have a bath, and a little wank.
(APPLAUSE) A little one.
Three things that are cute.
Stacey, a little rabbit and a .
.
a little cat.
A little what? A little cat! A cat? Three things you would say to a dead spider.
"Oh, I'm sorry you're dead.
" "What about your mum?" "Better luck next time.
" (APPLAUSE) Joe Swash, everyone! (KLAXON SOUNDS) OK, there's all to play for in our final round, The Buzzer Round.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and have a guess.
Bruno's team, what's your buzzer? 'Bouncy ball!' Bouncy ball - Joe Swash being vocal.
Fearne, what's your buzzer? 'Chase me, I'll give you a blowjob.
' You dirty pigs.
First question - which three guests have been mashed up here? 'Bouncy ball.
' That's Bruno's team.
Bruno, Kelly.
Who's the hair? Chris Ramsay.
It's Chris Ramsay's hair! You say it's Chris Ramsay, Bruno and Kelly.
That's correct.
Well done! That is my hair! Is this Mark happy or Mark angry? 'Oh, look.
Ooh, I don't know.
' Happy! That was Bruno's team.
Let's have a look.
Yes, he's happy! (APPLAUSE) Is this Mark happy or is this Mark angry? 'Coo-ee! Chase me!' Fearne's team.
I think you're very happy.
Even happier.
Let's have a look.
(BUZZ) No, he's angry as fuck.
Very serious about life.
Who wore it better, Joe Swash or this chimp? 'Chase me, you fucking (BLEEP).
' Definitely the chimp.
It's the ears, innit? The ears look the same.
That was Fearne's team.
Chimp.
Correct, it is the chimp.
Which one of these is the real Bruno? 'Bouncy ball.
' STACEY: I know this! That's Bruno's team.
It's the one in the middle, right in the middle.
Fifth one in.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, that's correct.
(APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) That's the end of the round, that's the end of Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is .
.
Bruno! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I can't believe it! It's not you! It was Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, you motherfucker! If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # WHITNEY HOUSTON: "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" Bye-bye!