Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e07 Episode Script
Halloween Special
1 It's Keith Lemon.
Check out my spooky Halloween titles.
So spooky! You're probably thinking, 'Why are those bats flying around'? It's just an overelaborate metaphor showing how awesome the Halloween Special is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing lasers at ghosts and Fearne Cotton riding a cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing pumpkins.
Taking a selfie - online presence! Made it to the studio in time for the best show on telly.
What's that show? Celebrity Juice.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was though.
(SCREAMS) AH-HA! # Ghostbusters HURRAH! (DISTORTED VOICE) Hello! My name is Keith Lemon.
(NORMAL VOICE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! I I mean, you look amazing.
I've often thought of you dressed as Wonder Woman with a zombie face.
Have you got your shield? It's back in my You're going to need your shield, cos honestly, I'm going to jizz off, and it's going to go in your hair.
Who's on your team? On my right, rising like a phoenix, it's Rylan! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) On my left, her purr makes his wings flap - it's Frankie and Wayne Bridge! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Let's meet our other team captain.
I hope she's got her make-up on already.
It's Fearne Cotton! (BURST OF SINISTER MUSIC) Know what you should have come as? Me? Wonder Woman.
Really? Cos people often wonder if you ARE a woman.
Yes.
Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he's a massive Wonka - it's Gino D'Acampo! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) CROWD: Gino! Gino! Gino! On my right, what a doll! It's Joey Essex.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Gino, who are you dressed as? Willie Wonka! I've got the Lompa-Lompa here.
Don't! Stop! Oompa-Loompa! Can I hit him? No.
So you've got Karl the Elf dressed as an Oompa-Loompa.
I'm not sure if that's PC, is it? Who gives a shit? What's 'PC'? What's 'PC' mean? Yeah.
Oh, fuck off, Joey.
You know what 'PC' means.
Like a laptop? No.
Gino, can you just untie the Oompa-Loompa? It's not right.
There you go.
(LAUGHS) What's wrong with you? Karl, be calm! Just be calm.
He's very angry.
Oh, he's going! He's going.
See you later.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Rylan, who are you again? I'm Conchita! Is that cheating, cos you just look the same.
Yeah.
There you are.
That IS you, in't it? That IS you.
No, I'm not fucking Conchita! I didn't ask you if you were fucking her.
One is the stuff of nightmares, one is the stuff of wet dreams - it's Wayne and Frankie Bridge! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Which one? You're Catwoman, Frankie? Yeah.
We were going to get you a litter tray, but I thought it'd be best if you just shit on my face.
Wayne's never let me, so that would be perfect.
I'm well up for it! What are you on about? She's dying to piss in your face! I'm up for it! We're not into that.
Are you two fans of Halloween? Yeah.
I love scaring the shit out of people.
What have you dressed as in the past? No much.
Beetlejuice.
He's been Willie Wonka.
When we were trying to decide what we were going to be tonight, Wayne wasn't happy with anything that wasn't too tame.
Now he looks like this, he thought it'd be a good idea to FaceTime our children, which is nice.
How did they react? They thought it was Grandad.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) He is spooky, creepy, sick - it's Joey Essex! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm proper creepy sick tonight.
You were here last Halloween, weren't you? I was, yeah.
You're back by popular demand.
You went down so well on Halloween, we've got you back.
I absolutely shit myself that time.
This was last year with Joey.
Have a look at this.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
I can't believe how ridiculous this is, how they've got it.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Fuck me! That was so hard, yeah.
Were you genuinely scared? Genuinely scared.
I fell over, hit my head.
It was dangerous, man.
I hope nothing like that happens this year.
Oh, no (!) Not even, man! (LAUGHTER) (CACKLES) I'll tell you what, Joey - because you are the King of Halloween now I am.
.
.
we've got a Halloween quiz for you.
What? Great! Every question you get correct, you'll get a point for your team.
Here's the first question.
Finish this witch's spell - 'Hubble, bubble, toil and Goth.
Brilliant.
(BUZZ) What is that? What noise do bats make? (FEARNE SNORTS) BAAA! No, that's a sheep.
Baa! (BUZZ) Where does a bat live? In a cave.
Correct.
(DING) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Can you do an impression of a man transforming into a werewolf? Me? RAAA! (DING) (CHEERING) Very good, well done.
Thanks! Hey, it's Rylan, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I haven't seen you for ages.
It has been a while.
Last time I saw you was the TV Choice Awards.
Fuck right off.
You were extremely drunk.
We've actually got a headline from the Mirror: I've never seen you so drunk.
You walked around to every table like a gangly child, going, 'Hello, babe'! Do you remember much of the night? I presented the last award of the night, I cannot fucking remember what.
We can refresh your memory, cos we've got pictures.
Oh, fuck off! Here you are.
No.
HOLLY: Hey! (LAUGHS) WAYNE: As a ghost? What were you like in the morning? I woke up in my entrance hall of my house.
My husband had left for work, so he'd obviously stepped over me to get out.
I woke up to ringing, like, 'What is that'? We've got a picture of you in the morning.
You fucking haven't! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) This is an invasion of privacy! Mary Berry is grimacing there.
Mary loves it.
Holly, you know Jonathan Ross likes Halloween.
Loves Halloween.
He has a massive Halloween party, all actors in, being zombies and shit.
It's only right tonight, in homage to Jonathan Ross Yeah.
.
.
that we play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hi, welcome to the really, really scary Wibbly Wobbly game.
As you can see, we've got Jonathan Ross with his vampire teeth in.
First up, it's Rylan! How do I get on? Lie on your back on Jonathan's nose.
Look at that.
Go forward, guys.
Make sure your plums don't fall out.
This isn't good! Fucking youse have got a view.
Stop taking photos! Are you ready? I've been in this position before.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Oh, shit.
You can't say the word.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ! (MACHINE RUMBLES) Oh, my God! Aah! Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, is my wig on? (WHISPERS) Erm, OK, it's a scary monster, and you find them up your nose.
Bogeys.
Bogeyman.
Yes! Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick! Erm, where you go to die, and you have a tombstone.
Is it heaven? No, you die and you're buried there.
A garden? You're buried there! YOU'RE BURIED THERE! People get cremated there and buried there! Church! Burial yard.
A fucking cemetery! (BUZZ) Oh, no - you said it.
Oh, hurry u-u-up! Is it over? Stop it! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (LAUGHS) I'm so sorry, I can't even get up at the moment.
I hope you haven't got a semi on.
So do I! (LAUGHTER) Oh, my I feel like I've shit myself.
Do I still look glam though? (CHEERING) Oh, my God.
Next up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) If you undo my bra, I will kill you.
(LAUGHTER) Look at her, there she is! (MACHINE RUMBLES) Ooh, ooh! (SQUEALS) Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (SQUEALS) Oh, my God! Just give me a while! (WHISPERS) They're coming out! The girls, they're coming out! OK.
They're coming out! Wait a minute, wait a minute! It descends, and sometimes you get lost in it cos you can't see.
A maze.
Like clouds.
Fog! Yes! (DING) Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER) OK.
This scares me a lot.
You get all these letters.
I can't hear a word.
You get a board with loads of letters on it.
Scrabble! JOEY: Ouija board! Yes! (DING) (SCREECH) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what just happened? The most terrifying thing in my life.
Was it bad? In my head, I'm just taking it home and remembering it when I'm by myself.
Who's next? It's Wayne Bridge! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) About right? Gino, it's like you work at the fair or something.
It helps! (TAKES DEEP BREATH) That's good.
Hold on! (MACHINE RUMBLES) (LAUGHS) R-r-r-r-r! (WHISPERS) Wh-what? Er, you sit on it! Erma chair? Your husband! FRANKIE: You sit on it? And it's long.
Not your husband.
And it's got fur on the end.
No, it's not.
Witches sit on it.
BOTH: A broom! Broomstick! (DING) Yes! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) It looks horrible! Woo-woo! You look into a ball.
Crystal ball.
You look into a glass ball.
A psychic.
Yes! (DING) (SHRIEK) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Next up, it's Willie Wanker! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You said not for me to do this time.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Let me assist you.
(CACKLES) I told, I never want to do this again.
(LAUGHTER) Bracing position.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo! Have I got camel toe? Yeah.
There we have it.
(MACHINE RUMBLES) Be nice.
(VOICE QUAVERS) (GRUNTS) Are you alive? (LAUGHTER) What wrong with What's wrong with you?! Where is the walls? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (WHISPERS) What is that? (LAUGHTER) I don't understand.
(LAUGHS) Errrm Errr We're going to need some words.
Erm Yeah? (LAUGHTER) Er Yeah, yeah.
OK.
What's a picture hook? Picture book? What did you say? I said, a pitchfork! (LAUGHTER) You're dying! Are you OK? You're going to kill him! Look at him.
Oh, it's broke! It's broke, it's broke.
Jonathan's given up, he's over it.
Take it off.
This is the worst game ever! You fucking broke it! You fucking broke my game, you fucking broke my game! I didn't do anything to the game! He's broke my game.
(AUDIENCE BOOS) That's a shame.
You've broke the game, spoiled all our fun.
It's not my fault! The scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break.
See you in two-o-o! Coming up after t'break Have we got anyone who's got a torch? I dropped it, I dropped it! (SCREAMS) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) HURRAH! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice Halloween Special.
Fearne Cotton? Yes! Have you heard about Rhyming Street? What about Rhyming Street? It's corrupt.
There's squatters, zombies.
Oh, no! It's all gone horror shit.
I get your shit.
Would you like to go down Rhyming Street in this Halloweenesque vibe? I'm up for it.
Let's play Spooky Rhyming Street! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) OK, you know how this plays out.
We go down Rhyming Street, there's celebrities there doing things that rhyme.
You will bid for how many things you spot.
Remember, there's also a red herring that doesn't rhyme.
So let's go down Rhyming Street.
I like my dinner out of this thing, it's nice.
What is it? (SHRIEKS) I've got these orange things, I've got to dig for them.
I'm doing this with my hands, I'm moving things.
What's going on in there? Hello.
Would you like to buy a Ford Sierra? Eye of newt, you fuckers.
I'm really hungry.
I could eat some red jelly now.
Jelly's my favourite.
Pa-pa, pum-pum Pa-pa-pa-pa pum-pum Do you think it hurts? OK, that was Spooky Rhyming Street.
Fearne's team, how many did you get? Five.
Five.
You got five rhymes.
How did you get five? It's all yours, darling, we got four.
OK.
Fearne, if you don't get all five, it goes to Holly.
I feel like I'm kind of on my own.
I weren't involved at all.
Right, so Cher Cher being scared? We'll give you that - it was Cher having a nightmare.
Buzz Aldrin in his cauldron? That's correct! There he is - Buzz Aldrin.
Who's the lady who sings that song? Lorde on a Ouija board.
Lorde on a Ouija board, that's correct.
Adele.
Adele casting a spell.
Adele casting a spell, that's four.
One more.
Some geezer was getting teabagged but I don't know who it was.
Joey, that doesn't rhyme - 'some geezer being teabagged'.
Marilyn Manson was listening to Hanson? Marilyn Manson listening to Hanson? That's correct! (LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE) The other ones were Michael McIntyre felching a vampire.
(LAUGHTER) Benedict Cumberbatch In a pumpkin patch! That was the other one we had.
Dammit! Gary Neville making a deal with the devil.
And Paul Rudd covered in blood.
I couldn't think of his name.
And the red herring was Kevin Costner gobbling bollocks.
That was him.
And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Holly, what do you normally do on Halloween night? I go trick-or-treating with the kids early so it's not too scary.
(THUNDER) What just happened, did I say something? (LAUGHTER) You know our friendly Japanese businessman, Eiji? Yeah.
Apparently he's been bitten by a monkey and has been contaminated.
He's apparently turning into a zombie, and we need someone to pick up some syringes that has the antidote in, someone really brave.
I'm happy for him to stay as a zombie.
We need someone really brave.
Joey will do it.
Joey, do you think you're brave enough to get the syringes? I mean, I am Chucky, so I don't give a shit.
I'll try my best.
He's going to try his best, so let's play Scream! I'd just like to say whilst I'm stood here, I've lost a pom-pom, but no worries.
The biggest worry is Joey Essex confronting the zombies.
Some of the zombies are dormant.
What's a dormant? Kind of asleep.
So they're asleep? Yes.
There's your bag.
OK.
You're after the syringes.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Go zombie-hunt, then.
Joey Essex, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) All right, listen.
I've found There you go.
Listen, oi, oi! Keith, listen.
I've found, yeah, like, a room, and it's got yellow hazard things.
Yeah.
You're going into the quarantine zone, to the left.
Down there, that's the contaminated area.
Do I rip it? That's the contaminated area, Joey.
That's where you've got to retrieve.
Go in.
I'm going to, man.
I'm going to go in.
(EERIE MOANING) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) He's laughing cos he's a bit scared.
Get in! Oh, my God.
Be quiet! Joey, be quiet.
Get the syringe and get out of there.
Don't wake the zombie up.
(DISTORTED VOICES, STRANGLED BREATHING) Get the syringe and get out of there! It's restrained anyway so that's good, that's good.
Be quiet.
You've got it.
Quiet.
(SHRIEKS) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Do not scream! You'll wake them up.
Go in.
(ECHOING SHRIEKS, EVIL LAUGHTER) (GROWLING) Go in.
Seen it, can you see it? Get the syringe.
Why are you going underneath? (LAUGHTER) You're looking for a big syringe.
You know what you're looking for.
Just get the syringes and get out.
There it is! There it is.
It's on top of the bin.
On top of the bin! (LAUGHTER) IT'S ON THE BIN! There, there.
Be quiet, get out.
(GROWLS) (SCREAMS) I dropped it! (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) (SNARLS) Fuck off! Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello! Oh, my Jesus God! What's he saying, 'allow it'? 'Hello, hello, hello'.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I ain't going in there, mate.
Get the next syringe.
Anyone got a torch? (ANIMAL GROWLING) I can't see at all.
Get in.
Fucking hell.
Jesus Christ! Shit, get in, quick! He's already in! Be quiet! (WEEPS) (YELLS) I've got to do it.
(SCREAMS) (YELLS) (PANTS) (LAUGHS) Mate, I can't help you! Where's the syringe, have you got the syringe? I can't help you! 'I can't help you'! Put the syringe in.
I feel so bad! (SCREAMS) Put it in his mouth! (GAGS) I've run out, I've only got one.
Quick, come back! Come back! (ZOMBIES GROWL) Shit! (SCREAMS) (WOLF HOWLS) Joey Essex, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Oh, fucking hell.
That was good.
Wow, scary.
How many syringes did you get, just one? Oh, yeah, he's dead, mate.
He's dead.
He didn't survive it, man.
(LAUGHS) Joey Essex, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I've just been told he needed three syringes, and you only got one, so you don't get a point.
I couldn't see anything! How am I meant to find a syringe? Tell you what, it wouldn't be fair if I don't give Holly's team a chance and offer Holly a trip down the quarantine ward.
You've got to do it.
Not a chance! You've got to! You know what's there now.
No! Why don't I come with you? I did it last year, I'm not doing it again.
I'll come with you.
Not a fucking chance.
Me, you and Rylan.
Three of us! No way! The power of three! The power of three.
Rylan and Holly, yes, come on! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm a bit scared, are you? A little bit.
It is actually really dark.
I'll trip.
It's worse.
He left, erm, two syringes? Two syringes.
Let's see if we can find two syringes.
I'm going to shut my eyes.
You can't shut your eyes! You won't see the syringes! I'll just drag you.
I don't care.
You won't see the syringes.
I don't want to see anything! It's that noise, can you hear that? (WHISTLING WIND) (CRUNCH) Ooh! Ssh! (LAUGHTER) (GROWLS) (SHRIEKS) (ZOMBIES GROWL) (SCREAMS) My thing's come off! What's he even doing? What hit me?! Just go past quick.
(GROWLS) Just kick her in the face! (SCREAMS) (THUD) Ssh! Oh, fuck! (HORN TOOTS) (LAUGHTER) (RAGES) (SCREAMS) I've lost it! I've fucking lost it! Eiji, I've lost it, I've lost it! Here! (GARGLES) I lost it, I lost it! (LAUGHTER) (ZOMBIES GROWL) Oh, fuck, my thing's come off! (LAUGHTER) (ZOMBIES GROWL) Aaah! (SCREAMS) Oh, fuck! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Is he alive? My heart was beating out of my chest.
Holly, for your bravery, a point for your team.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm fucked.
We're going to an ad break, I'll see you in three.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Coming up after t'break Draw Wayne's penis.
Mm.
Have a look.
What the fuck is that? (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) HURRAH! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! Frankie and Wayne, how long have you been seeing each other? Seven years.
So you pretty much know everything about each other.
Everything.
Let's see how well you know each other as we play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello and welcome to a special Halloween Special edition of Master And Miss.
Please welcome my co-host, Fearne Cotton! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to ask a question each.
If you get an answer right on your card, show it and you win a point.
Shall I go first? I think you should.
First question is - what is Wayne most scared of? It doesn't have to be a Halloween answer.
The scariest thing I can think of - waking up and a ghost sucking your dick.
I don't want to put it down.
You better have got this right, babe.
I'm trying.
Both at the same time.
Goats.
Yeah! (DING) Why? Fucking weird.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Next question is fashion based.
What's Wayne's favourite thing for Frankie to wear in the bedroom? How well do you know each other? What have we got? Wow! Fucking hell, Wayne! 'Heels', 'handcuffs and fuck-all else'.
That was from the other night.
OK, I want you to draw this to scale.
Draw Wayne's penis.
Mm.
We're looking for detail here.
You're going for a penis on a happy.
What are we going for? When it's got a happy.
I'm sure Wayne's doing it happy.
Is that long? I don't know, it's just quite thin.
It's that long? Holy shit! Right, let's You've rubbed it out! Fearne's really good at art, and she's being judgemental! Cos you made his fucking dick look like a frozen chip.
Fuck off! It was more a spike than a penis.
Wayne's drawn the face and everything! Right, let's reveal, let's have a look.
What the fuck is that?! No chance! Just the one bollock? There are legs on it.
Bring them close together.
Looks like my nose! I'm not even that hairy.
Maybe you're not that big.
I fucking am! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Well done.
Thank you, Wayne.
There's all to play for in this final round, it's the boo! Zz-ahhhhhh! round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer? (GRUFF VOICE) Holly, I am the ghost that lives under your bed.
My God! Why would you say that? The ghost that lives under your bed! Terrifying.
Fearne, what's your buzzer? (WAVERING VOICE) Fearne! I am the ghost that is living in your knickers! The ghost living in your knickers.
Lovely, yeah.
It's a cemetery down there.
Buzz in if you know - who's this twat? BUZZER: Holly! That is Rylan.
Let's have a look.
Look at that cleavage! That's correct! Why do you do this to me every fucking time I come on? OK, I'll stop it, then.
Thank you.
Who's this twat? BUZZER: Holly! Holly's team? That's going to be Rylan.
Let's have a look.
It's correct.
Where do you wear all this stuff? These fuckers make me wear it at work! Not MY fault.
Who's this twat? BUZZER: Fearne! Fearne's team? Take a wild guess - Rylan.
No, it's Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe.
(BUZZ) (LAUGHS) What is the scariest noise Gino Sheffield D'Acampo can make? (BUZZER GROANS) Fearne's team.
(SHRIEKS) (DING) (COUGHS) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Shall I do mine? HOLLY: Yeah.
(HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) WAYNE: That's a really good one.
(SHRIEKING AND KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round, the end of this week's Celebrity Juice Halloween Special.
I can tell you that the winning team is Holly's team! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, happy Halloween! Let's dance, you bastards! # MICHAEL JACKSON: Thriller Goodbye!
Check out my spooky Halloween titles.
So spooky! You're probably thinking, 'Why are those bats flying around'? It's just an overelaborate metaphor showing how awesome the Halloween Special is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing lasers at ghosts and Fearne Cotton riding a cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing pumpkins.
Taking a selfie - online presence! Made it to the studio in time for the best show on telly.
What's that show? Celebrity Juice.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was though.
(SCREAMS) AH-HA! # Ghostbusters HURRAH! (DISTORTED VOICE) Hello! My name is Keith Lemon.
(NORMAL VOICE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! I I mean, you look amazing.
I've often thought of you dressed as Wonder Woman with a zombie face.
Have you got your shield? It's back in my You're going to need your shield, cos honestly, I'm going to jizz off, and it's going to go in your hair.
Who's on your team? On my right, rising like a phoenix, it's Rylan! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) On my left, her purr makes his wings flap - it's Frankie and Wayne Bridge! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Let's meet our other team captain.
I hope she's got her make-up on already.
It's Fearne Cotton! (BURST OF SINISTER MUSIC) Know what you should have come as? Me? Wonder Woman.
Really? Cos people often wonder if you ARE a woman.
Yes.
Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he's a massive Wonka - it's Gino D'Acampo! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) CROWD: Gino! Gino! Gino! On my right, what a doll! It's Joey Essex.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Gino, who are you dressed as? Willie Wonka! I've got the Lompa-Lompa here.
Don't! Stop! Oompa-Loompa! Can I hit him? No.
So you've got Karl the Elf dressed as an Oompa-Loompa.
I'm not sure if that's PC, is it? Who gives a shit? What's 'PC'? What's 'PC' mean? Yeah.
Oh, fuck off, Joey.
You know what 'PC' means.
Like a laptop? No.
Gino, can you just untie the Oompa-Loompa? It's not right.
There you go.
(LAUGHS) What's wrong with you? Karl, be calm! Just be calm.
He's very angry.
Oh, he's going! He's going.
See you later.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Rylan, who are you again? I'm Conchita! Is that cheating, cos you just look the same.
Yeah.
There you are.
That IS you, in't it? That IS you.
No, I'm not fucking Conchita! I didn't ask you if you were fucking her.
One is the stuff of nightmares, one is the stuff of wet dreams - it's Wayne and Frankie Bridge! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Which one? You're Catwoman, Frankie? Yeah.
We were going to get you a litter tray, but I thought it'd be best if you just shit on my face.
Wayne's never let me, so that would be perfect.
I'm well up for it! What are you on about? She's dying to piss in your face! I'm up for it! We're not into that.
Are you two fans of Halloween? Yeah.
I love scaring the shit out of people.
What have you dressed as in the past? No much.
Beetlejuice.
He's been Willie Wonka.
When we were trying to decide what we were going to be tonight, Wayne wasn't happy with anything that wasn't too tame.
Now he looks like this, he thought it'd be a good idea to FaceTime our children, which is nice.
How did they react? They thought it was Grandad.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) He is spooky, creepy, sick - it's Joey Essex! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm proper creepy sick tonight.
You were here last Halloween, weren't you? I was, yeah.
You're back by popular demand.
You went down so well on Halloween, we've got you back.
I absolutely shit myself that time.
This was last year with Joey.
Have a look at this.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
I can't believe how ridiculous this is, how they've got it.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Fuck me! That was so hard, yeah.
Were you genuinely scared? Genuinely scared.
I fell over, hit my head.
It was dangerous, man.
I hope nothing like that happens this year.
Oh, no (!) Not even, man! (LAUGHTER) (CACKLES) I'll tell you what, Joey - because you are the King of Halloween now I am.
.
.
we've got a Halloween quiz for you.
What? Great! Every question you get correct, you'll get a point for your team.
Here's the first question.
Finish this witch's spell - 'Hubble, bubble, toil and Goth.
Brilliant.
(BUZZ) What is that? What noise do bats make? (FEARNE SNORTS) BAAA! No, that's a sheep.
Baa! (BUZZ) Where does a bat live? In a cave.
Correct.
(DING) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Can you do an impression of a man transforming into a werewolf? Me? RAAA! (DING) (CHEERING) Very good, well done.
Thanks! Hey, it's Rylan, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I haven't seen you for ages.
It has been a while.
Last time I saw you was the TV Choice Awards.
Fuck right off.
You were extremely drunk.
We've actually got a headline from the Mirror: I've never seen you so drunk.
You walked around to every table like a gangly child, going, 'Hello, babe'! Do you remember much of the night? I presented the last award of the night, I cannot fucking remember what.
We can refresh your memory, cos we've got pictures.
Oh, fuck off! Here you are.
No.
HOLLY: Hey! (LAUGHS) WAYNE: As a ghost? What were you like in the morning? I woke up in my entrance hall of my house.
My husband had left for work, so he'd obviously stepped over me to get out.
I woke up to ringing, like, 'What is that'? We've got a picture of you in the morning.
You fucking haven't! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) This is an invasion of privacy! Mary Berry is grimacing there.
Mary loves it.
Holly, you know Jonathan Ross likes Halloween.
Loves Halloween.
He has a massive Halloween party, all actors in, being zombies and shit.
It's only right tonight, in homage to Jonathan Ross Yeah.
.
.
that we play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hi, welcome to the really, really scary Wibbly Wobbly game.
As you can see, we've got Jonathan Ross with his vampire teeth in.
First up, it's Rylan! How do I get on? Lie on your back on Jonathan's nose.
Look at that.
Go forward, guys.
Make sure your plums don't fall out.
This isn't good! Fucking youse have got a view.
Stop taking photos! Are you ready? I've been in this position before.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Oh, shit.
You can't say the word.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ! (MACHINE RUMBLES) Oh, my God! Aah! Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, is my wig on? (WHISPERS) Erm, OK, it's a scary monster, and you find them up your nose.
Bogeys.
Bogeyman.
Yes! Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick! Erm, where you go to die, and you have a tombstone.
Is it heaven? No, you die and you're buried there.
A garden? You're buried there! YOU'RE BURIED THERE! People get cremated there and buried there! Church! Burial yard.
A fucking cemetery! (BUZZ) Oh, no - you said it.
Oh, hurry u-u-up! Is it over? Stop it! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (LAUGHS) I'm so sorry, I can't even get up at the moment.
I hope you haven't got a semi on.
So do I! (LAUGHTER) Oh, my I feel like I've shit myself.
Do I still look glam though? (CHEERING) Oh, my God.
Next up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) If you undo my bra, I will kill you.
(LAUGHTER) Look at her, there she is! (MACHINE RUMBLES) Ooh, ooh! (SQUEALS) Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (SQUEALS) Oh, my God! Just give me a while! (WHISPERS) They're coming out! The girls, they're coming out! OK.
They're coming out! Wait a minute, wait a minute! It descends, and sometimes you get lost in it cos you can't see.
A maze.
Like clouds.
Fog! Yes! (DING) Oh, my God! (LAUGHTER) OK.
This scares me a lot.
You get all these letters.
I can't hear a word.
You get a board with loads of letters on it.
Scrabble! JOEY: Ouija board! Yes! (DING) (SCREECH) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, what just happened? The most terrifying thing in my life.
Was it bad? In my head, I'm just taking it home and remembering it when I'm by myself.
Who's next? It's Wayne Bridge! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) About right? Gino, it's like you work at the fair or something.
It helps! (TAKES DEEP BREATH) That's good.
Hold on! (MACHINE RUMBLES) (LAUGHS) R-r-r-r-r! (WHISPERS) Wh-what? Er, you sit on it! Erma chair? Your husband! FRANKIE: You sit on it? And it's long.
Not your husband.
And it's got fur on the end.
No, it's not.
Witches sit on it.
BOTH: A broom! Broomstick! (DING) Yes! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) It looks horrible! Woo-woo! You look into a ball.
Crystal ball.
You look into a glass ball.
A psychic.
Yes! (DING) (SHRIEK) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Next up, it's Willie Wanker! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You said not for me to do this time.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Let me assist you.
(CACKLES) I told, I never want to do this again.
(LAUGHTER) Bracing position.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo! Have I got camel toe? Yeah.
There we have it.
(MACHINE RUMBLES) Be nice.
(VOICE QUAVERS) (GRUNTS) Are you alive? (LAUGHTER) What wrong with What's wrong with you?! Where is the walls? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (WHISPERS) What is that? (LAUGHTER) I don't understand.
(LAUGHS) Errrm Errr We're going to need some words.
Erm Yeah? (LAUGHTER) Er Yeah, yeah.
OK.
What's a picture hook? Picture book? What did you say? I said, a pitchfork! (LAUGHTER) You're dying! Are you OK? You're going to kill him! Look at him.
Oh, it's broke! It's broke, it's broke.
Jonathan's given up, he's over it.
Take it off.
This is the worst game ever! You fucking broke it! You fucking broke my game, you fucking broke my game! I didn't do anything to the game! He's broke my game.
(AUDIENCE BOOS) That's a shame.
You've broke the game, spoiled all our fun.
It's not my fault! The scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break.
See you in two-o-o! Coming up after t'break Have we got anyone who's got a torch? I dropped it, I dropped it! (SCREAMS) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) HURRAH! Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice Halloween Special.
Fearne Cotton? Yes! Have you heard about Rhyming Street? What about Rhyming Street? It's corrupt.
There's squatters, zombies.
Oh, no! It's all gone horror shit.
I get your shit.
Would you like to go down Rhyming Street in this Halloweenesque vibe? I'm up for it.
Let's play Spooky Rhyming Street! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) OK, you know how this plays out.
We go down Rhyming Street, there's celebrities there doing things that rhyme.
You will bid for how many things you spot.
Remember, there's also a red herring that doesn't rhyme.
So let's go down Rhyming Street.
I like my dinner out of this thing, it's nice.
What is it? (SHRIEKS) I've got these orange things, I've got to dig for them.
I'm doing this with my hands, I'm moving things.
What's going on in there? Hello.
Would you like to buy a Ford Sierra? Eye of newt, you fuckers.
I'm really hungry.
I could eat some red jelly now.
Jelly's my favourite.
Pa-pa, pum-pum Pa-pa-pa-pa pum-pum Do you think it hurts? OK, that was Spooky Rhyming Street.
Fearne's team, how many did you get? Five.
Five.
You got five rhymes.
How did you get five? It's all yours, darling, we got four.
OK.
Fearne, if you don't get all five, it goes to Holly.
I feel like I'm kind of on my own.
I weren't involved at all.
Right, so Cher Cher being scared? We'll give you that - it was Cher having a nightmare.
Buzz Aldrin in his cauldron? That's correct! There he is - Buzz Aldrin.
Who's the lady who sings that song? Lorde on a Ouija board.
Lorde on a Ouija board, that's correct.
Adele.
Adele casting a spell.
Adele casting a spell, that's four.
One more.
Some geezer was getting teabagged but I don't know who it was.
Joey, that doesn't rhyme - 'some geezer being teabagged'.
Marilyn Manson was listening to Hanson? Marilyn Manson listening to Hanson? That's correct! (LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE) The other ones were Michael McIntyre felching a vampire.
(LAUGHTER) Benedict Cumberbatch In a pumpkin patch! That was the other one we had.
Dammit! Gary Neville making a deal with the devil.
And Paul Rudd covered in blood.
I couldn't think of his name.
And the red herring was Kevin Costner gobbling bollocks.
That was him.
And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Holly, what do you normally do on Halloween night? I go trick-or-treating with the kids early so it's not too scary.
(THUNDER) What just happened, did I say something? (LAUGHTER) You know our friendly Japanese businessman, Eiji? Yeah.
Apparently he's been bitten by a monkey and has been contaminated.
He's apparently turning into a zombie, and we need someone to pick up some syringes that has the antidote in, someone really brave.
I'm happy for him to stay as a zombie.
We need someone really brave.
Joey will do it.
Joey, do you think you're brave enough to get the syringes? I mean, I am Chucky, so I don't give a shit.
I'll try my best.
He's going to try his best, so let's play Scream! I'd just like to say whilst I'm stood here, I've lost a pom-pom, but no worries.
The biggest worry is Joey Essex confronting the zombies.
Some of the zombies are dormant.
What's a dormant? Kind of asleep.
So they're asleep? Yes.
There's your bag.
OK.
You're after the syringes.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Go zombie-hunt, then.
Joey Essex, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) All right, listen.
I've found There you go.
Listen, oi, oi! Keith, listen.
I've found, yeah, like, a room, and it's got yellow hazard things.
Yeah.
You're going into the quarantine zone, to the left.
Down there, that's the contaminated area.
Do I rip it? That's the contaminated area, Joey.
That's where you've got to retrieve.
Go in.
I'm going to, man.
I'm going to go in.
(EERIE MOANING) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) He's laughing cos he's a bit scared.
Get in! Oh, my God.
Be quiet! Joey, be quiet.
Get the syringe and get out of there.
Don't wake the zombie up.
(DISTORTED VOICES, STRANGLED BREATHING) Get the syringe and get out of there! It's restrained anyway so that's good, that's good.
Be quiet.
You've got it.
Quiet.
(SHRIEKS) (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Do not scream! You'll wake them up.
Go in.
(ECHOING SHRIEKS, EVIL LAUGHTER) (GROWLING) Go in.
Seen it, can you see it? Get the syringe.
Why are you going underneath? (LAUGHTER) You're looking for a big syringe.
You know what you're looking for.
Just get the syringes and get out.
There it is! There it is.
It's on top of the bin.
On top of the bin! (LAUGHTER) IT'S ON THE BIN! There, there.
Be quiet, get out.
(GROWLS) (SCREAMS) I dropped it! (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) (SNARLS) Fuck off! Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello! Oh, my Jesus God! What's he saying, 'allow it'? 'Hello, hello, hello'.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I ain't going in there, mate.
Get the next syringe.
Anyone got a torch? (ANIMAL GROWLING) I can't see at all.
Get in.
Fucking hell.
Jesus Christ! Shit, get in, quick! He's already in! Be quiet! (WEEPS) (YELLS) I've got to do it.
(SCREAMS) (YELLS) (PANTS) (LAUGHS) Mate, I can't help you! Where's the syringe, have you got the syringe? I can't help you! 'I can't help you'! Put the syringe in.
I feel so bad! (SCREAMS) Put it in his mouth! (GAGS) I've run out, I've only got one.
Quick, come back! Come back! (ZOMBIES GROWL) Shit! (SCREAMS) (WOLF HOWLS) Joey Essex, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Oh, fucking hell.
That was good.
Wow, scary.
How many syringes did you get, just one? Oh, yeah, he's dead, mate.
He's dead.
He didn't survive it, man.
(LAUGHS) Joey Essex, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I've just been told he needed three syringes, and you only got one, so you don't get a point.
I couldn't see anything! How am I meant to find a syringe? Tell you what, it wouldn't be fair if I don't give Holly's team a chance and offer Holly a trip down the quarantine ward.
You've got to do it.
Not a chance! You've got to! You know what's there now.
No! Why don't I come with you? I did it last year, I'm not doing it again.
I'll come with you.
Not a fucking chance.
Me, you and Rylan.
Three of us! No way! The power of three! The power of three.
Rylan and Holly, yes, come on! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm a bit scared, are you? A little bit.
It is actually really dark.
I'll trip.
It's worse.
He left, erm, two syringes? Two syringes.
Let's see if we can find two syringes.
I'm going to shut my eyes.
You can't shut your eyes! You won't see the syringes! I'll just drag you.
I don't care.
You won't see the syringes.
I don't want to see anything! It's that noise, can you hear that? (WHISTLING WIND) (CRUNCH) Ooh! Ssh! (LAUGHTER) (GROWLS) (SHRIEKS) (ZOMBIES GROWL) (SCREAMS) My thing's come off! What's he even doing? What hit me?! Just go past quick.
(GROWLS) Just kick her in the face! (SCREAMS) (THUD) Ssh! Oh, fuck! (HORN TOOTS) (LAUGHTER) (RAGES) (SCREAMS) I've lost it! I've fucking lost it! Eiji, I've lost it, I've lost it! Here! (GARGLES) I lost it, I lost it! (LAUGHTER) (ZOMBIES GROWL) Oh, fuck, my thing's come off! (LAUGHTER) (ZOMBIES GROWL) Aaah! (SCREAMS) Oh, fuck! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Is he alive? My heart was beating out of my chest.
Holly, for your bravery, a point for your team.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm fucked.
We're going to an ad break, I'll see you in three.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Coming up after t'break Draw Wayne's penis.
Mm.
Have a look.
What the fuck is that? (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) HURRAH! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice Halloween Special! Frankie and Wayne, how long have you been seeing each other? Seven years.
So you pretty much know everything about each other.
Everything.
Let's see how well you know each other as we play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello and welcome to a special Halloween Special edition of Master And Miss.
Please welcome my co-host, Fearne Cotton! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to ask a question each.
If you get an answer right on your card, show it and you win a point.
Shall I go first? I think you should.
First question is - what is Wayne most scared of? It doesn't have to be a Halloween answer.
The scariest thing I can think of - waking up and a ghost sucking your dick.
I don't want to put it down.
You better have got this right, babe.
I'm trying.
Both at the same time.
Goats.
Yeah! (DING) Why? Fucking weird.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Next question is fashion based.
What's Wayne's favourite thing for Frankie to wear in the bedroom? How well do you know each other? What have we got? Wow! Fucking hell, Wayne! 'Heels', 'handcuffs and fuck-all else'.
That was from the other night.
OK, I want you to draw this to scale.
Draw Wayne's penis.
Mm.
We're looking for detail here.
You're going for a penis on a happy.
What are we going for? When it's got a happy.
I'm sure Wayne's doing it happy.
Is that long? I don't know, it's just quite thin.
It's that long? Holy shit! Right, let's You've rubbed it out! Fearne's really good at art, and she's being judgemental! Cos you made his fucking dick look like a frozen chip.
Fuck off! It was more a spike than a penis.
Wayne's drawn the face and everything! Right, let's reveal, let's have a look.
What the fuck is that?! No chance! Just the one bollock? There are legs on it.
Bring them close together.
Looks like my nose! I'm not even that hairy.
Maybe you're not that big.
I fucking am! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Well done.
Thank you, Wayne.
There's all to play for in this final round, it's the boo! Zz-ahhhhhh! round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer? (GRUFF VOICE) Holly, I am the ghost that lives under your bed.
My God! Why would you say that? The ghost that lives under your bed! Terrifying.
Fearne, what's your buzzer? (WAVERING VOICE) Fearne! I am the ghost that is living in your knickers! The ghost living in your knickers.
Lovely, yeah.
It's a cemetery down there.
Buzz in if you know - who's this twat? BUZZER: Holly! That is Rylan.
Let's have a look.
Look at that cleavage! That's correct! Why do you do this to me every fucking time I come on? OK, I'll stop it, then.
Thank you.
Who's this twat? BUZZER: Holly! Holly's team? That's going to be Rylan.
Let's have a look.
It's correct.
Where do you wear all this stuff? These fuckers make me wear it at work! Not MY fault.
Who's this twat? BUZZER: Fearne! Fearne's team? Take a wild guess - Rylan.
No, it's Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe.
(BUZZ) (LAUGHS) What is the scariest noise Gino Sheffield D'Acampo can make? (BUZZER GROANS) Fearne's team.
(SHRIEKS) (DING) (COUGHS) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Shall I do mine? HOLLY: Yeah.
(HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) WAYNE: That's a really good one.
(SHRIEKING AND KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round, the end of this week's Celebrity Juice Halloween Special.
I can tell you that the winning team is Holly's team! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, happy Halloween! Let's dance, you bastards! # MICHAEL JACKSON: Thriller Goodbye!