Celebrity Juice (2008) s19e01 Episode Script

Celebrity Juice Live - Gino D'Acampo, Georgia Toffolo, Russell Brand, Chris Ramsey

I am Keith Lemon.
You are probably thinking what is going on? Live.
There is Holly, live.
There is Fearne Cotton, live.
Gino D'Acampo, live.
Here we are live.
Cut to me in the studio.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Hello, my name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome to a live special of Celebrity Juice.
Episode one, series 19, I cannot believe I still have a job.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up - it's Holly Willoughboozy.
You look fresh.
Like a sandwich I want to eat and smother all over my face.
Don't say fuck or bugger.
Tonight on my team, the one and only Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! On my left, it is the Queen of the Jungle, Toff.
(CHEERING) Let's meet our other team captain, Fearne Cotton.
You look lovely.
How are you feeling about the live show? Sorry, I am running out of time.
Sorry, we don't have time to listen to you.
Who's on your team? On my left, Geordie bastard Chris Ramsey.
On my right, making his Celebrity Juice debut, Russell Brand.
Russell brand, everyone! Sir.
Boom! Russell, how is it going? I feel really positive to be here.
It feels like an experiment.
Pretty well groomed.
Have you had it curled? Tonged, teased.
It looks exciting.
You are a world-famous stand-up comedian.
A picture of you doing stand-up.
Standing up and telling jokes and waving.
You are a Hollywood film star.
More pictures.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There I am.
You must have met a lot of famous people.
Puff Daddy in that.
You call him Puff? Yes, he doesn't like it.
If you call him Puff, he said several times, stop calling me that was but I said, no, it is my only chance to say it.
Piff, paff, puff, Which is magical.
A foot puff.
I love the word puff.
When I gave birth to my daughter Belle It puffed out your minge? No.
Get me to the Greek was on the telly.
I am not sure what was more painful.
He is an attractive man.
Kept me calm.
Do you watch the films you are in? No.
Do you watch films? Yes.
In clip form, two or three minutes.
The trailers I watch those films seven times a day.
The smoke comes out.
I enjoy those films.
Why does your willy have to contort its mouth to talk to you? Have you seen The Shape of Water? There is a lady who has a romance.
His little tassle is within himself.
Her friend says, has he got a willy? They say, has he got a Johnson? She describes how it comes out.
She goes I bet his dick stinks! It should not be kept inside.
Like a puppet.
Leave it out.
You are going to get residue.
Won an Oscar and that is what you come away with.
You stink of inverted genital.
You are famous for being a wordsmith.
What is the longest word you know? Wilfully disobedient.
A repeated image that loses its connection to its original meaning.
Some words.
You are watching ITV2.
We are learning about words.
The longest word I could spell was because.
Define it.
What does it mean? You lift up a bin bag and there is that juice at the bottom.
Stinking and foul.
Because it is the juice around that alien's willy.
That is it.
That is what because means.
Gino, I was talking to you earlier about words.
He has discovered a new word.
Catch up.
I said, do you mean ketchup? He's having a problem with his catch up.
I don't understand catch up.
It is like a stage direction to him.
He goes up.
I don't know how to work out catch up.
Why do you have two remotes? Catch up.
Catch up.
You have been briefed on words you should not say tonight because we are live.
I won't say it.
Can I say contagious? No.
You cannot say contagious.
Ofcoff say no.
Can I say (HE SINGS) "Can't buy me love"? (LAUGHTER) You can't sing it, you can't sing it, no! That is probably more expensive to use a Beatles lyric that hasn't been cleared, than you being 'Fuck you' So I might as well just say it, then.
Russell, you are known for being revolutionary.
What are you protesting about here? I was trying to make a difference! I want to make the world a better place.
Is that the tour bus for the Police? You want more songs from Sting.
That was a grim day, may day protest.
Antagonising the police force with a variety of dildos.
That was like the character in the shape of water.
It was a chilly day.
That is me protesting.
So all you people watching now can be free.
I don't know what that means.
You are married now and have a child.
You moved to the countryside and have a dog.
When I see pictures on Instagram of your dog, there it is, I think, is that a man in a dog costume? That is a man's eyes.
Not a canines eyes.
That is someone has made a terrible pact with a satanic canine.
Do you ever do the voice? What is your dog called? Bear.
Hello, Bear.
Do you do the voice back? Like that, you.
He's kind of daft and dopey.
I am not mimicking him like I used to because he is a vicious, violent murderer.
He nutted a sheep off.
We went on a walk.
He killed a sheep.
He didn't, but he put it into a state where the farmer had to kill it.
He has been trained since then and is much better! If there is any sheep watching, we will cut this bit.
We can't, we are live.
You are touring.
You must be.
What is it about? I am doing jokes.
What is the message? Nothing is real.
Reinvent yourself, the world is an illusion.
Free yourself.
That is the definition.
What is the message of the tour? Fucking hell.
What do you mean, message of the tour? What is it about, the story? Yes.
It means you change all the time.
That is the synopsis.
You are making this complicated.
What do I take away? The possibility of continual change, you can continually reinvent yourself.
Look at these glorious statues.
That sounds like the theory to me.
What is the message?! Russell.
What a lot of people don't know about you, before you became a famous actor and stand-up, you were part of an Italian gangster mob.
One of Gino's mob.
Here is a picture of when you used to be a mobster.
When I was 15.
When he used to hang out with you, Gino.
" What should I do?" Do you remember, Gino? Yes.
" what are you going to do?" You can do an Italian accent? I did when I said that word, the first syllable of words like Can't Buy Me Love.
Toff is well read.
Can you do an Italian accent? No but my surname is Italian.
I am bloody awful.
Do your real voice.
The real one? In the jungle when you do this voice.
" we are all normal, working class.
" With the stick up my arse.
Toff, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You won the jungle.
You must have stuck some things in your mouth.
What are the worst things? Anus.
Do we have a picture of her? Is that the colour of your tongue after having the anus in your mouth? No, that is it in my mouth.
What did it belong to? I cannot remember.
It would be kangaroo in Australia.
What did it taste like? Mussel.
Bloody fucking hell! We have another picture of you.
In a pit of snakes.
What was that like? Worst experience ever, ever.
Did you ever think when no one was looking, no cameras, what am I on this fucking show for? Yes.
I thought I would act like this.
I like posh.
Here is another picture wearing your translucent Jamiroquai hat.
Covered in insects.
Being bitten? Did you get any insects on your spadge? They really infiltrate.
I didn't think she would know what that meant.
Fadge? Is that not chocolate? It is chocolate when it is around you! Fudge.
Fudge is.
I said spadge.
You mean a vulva? That is a car, you prick.
Isn't it true you were shagging Boris Johnson's grandad? Stop it.
There he is with his big wooden penis.
That is his dad.
You are just fuck buddies like Phil and Holly? Just do touching.
Stop right there.
You are into politics.
A little bit.
In your opinion, because of Brexit, do you think Gino should be deported? He is eating into our economy.
I am feeding.
A lot of people going without jobs.
The restaurants are nice but everyone is Italian.
It would be nice to give people a chance to speak English.
I can't read the menu.
I will have a bowl of beef.
The food is amazing but I cannot understand what your staff are saying.
Come on.
He is a very generous man.
We had a lovely time at your restaurant at the weekend, got very drunk.
Congratulations on your restaurant.
I am not doing a free ad so you need to pay me.
My book is available.
Fucking shut up! We are live tonight on Celebrity Juice.
We want to be interactive.
You can get in touch and tweet.
Instagram, fax us.
Like what This Morning used to have with the hub but they got bored of it.
Going live outside to our interactive pod.
We have an Internet wizard, Eiji.
Can you hear me? (SPEAKS JAPANESE) How is it going? Is it going well? He has a fax.
If you want to tweet us What are you doing? He is getting two people to talk to each other on the phones.
Eiji! He's gone.
Contact us and ask any questions you want.
Hopefully he will read them out and we will understand what he's saying.
It is Christopher Ramsay! I am the dream maker.
I will tell you the truth here.
Christopher Ramsay wrote to us when he was 13 and said, please one day let me be on Celebrity Juice live.
At 17 years of age, here he is.
How does it feel? Do you want to say something to your mates or your teachers at school? (MIMICS ACCENT) That is what I was going to say.
Interesting fact.
He's only 17 and he is still a virgin.
Any tips? Enjoy it, mate.
No rush.
If you want to tweet some tips how Ramsay can lose his virginity Better if you are in love.
Because when you are not in love, it is kind of like that, I can't wait to tell my mates about this.
If you are in love, you go, hey, this is beautiful! Thanks, man.
Another interesting fact.
Recently Ramsay went to the Brit Awards and nobody recognised him or took a picture.
I have troved the Internet.
Getty Images.
When you go out and think, I wonder if anyone took a picture of me.
We found a picture of you at the Brits.
There you are.
Is that when Dua Lipa was on stage in her underwear? Is it Little Mix? Tell us.
That was when I saw you getting your photos taken.
That was when I was on Jeremy Kyle.
You were on Jeremy Kyle.
In the audience.
Just watching the madness.
What happened? Loads of people were pregnant.
You were just in the audience? Did you not shout out, why, aye, man! Where I am from, it was all pretty normal behaviour.
" I will tell you what I would do if I were you.
" (MIMICS ACCENT) Are you on tour at the moment? May 17 I go on tour.
I don't want to know.
Moving on.
Because we are live, for the final round I want to play one of my favourite games.
It is one of Gino's favourite games, the T-shirt cannon where we fire out of the cannon.
I hate that game.
Because it is live we will up the ante.
We have stolen some super cannons from North Korea.
What's his name? Kim Jong-un.
Look at that.
This is like porn for Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Look at those cylinders.
Holy Beejezus.
Later in the show we will play that game with two random panellists.
You could provoke an international incident stealing weaponry at a time of diplomatic problems.
Point for your team, Russell.
You have no idea what you are doing, how can you give a point just because he said something? I was pointing out that potentially there could be a diplomatic incident.
You have got a point for your team, Holly.
Ours was based on analysis.
That's spurious.
What does it mean? That fucking gesture.
I have noticed winter is over.
The beast from the East has fucked off.
To celebrate this joyous season I will play a summer game that you can play with your friends and family.
Let's play Play the sting again, we are not ready! Hi.
Hello, and welcome to my brand-new game Suck Me Off, I am with Gino and Russell.
The game is simple.
Take the lolly and suck it with a very good friend.
The person whose lolly is the smallest wins.
Is this dignified? Who is playing suck me off with their family? Suck me off? With a lollipop! Gino, you can only play with a good friend so we have got one of your Please welcome Fred Sirieix! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are friends.
Russell, you will be playing with one of your very good friends.
I know you are an eater of the twig and berry.
Your very good friend also eats twigs and berries, its Fearne Cotton.
Crossing boundaries.
What, you got period pains or something? Fearne is a close friend of my dear wife and she will be insulted.
Potentially sexist.
What if we play together? These two.
We are used to that shit.
Fearne, Holly, will you present? I will play.
Get into position.
Take your ice lollies and place them into your mouths.
Is this dignified? Lollies in.
You will go on the sound of the ice cream van.
Is everybody ready? (CHEERING) Stop the game.
Brexit! Before we find the winner He wouldn't suck.
We can see who the winner is.
Hang on a second.
Having had a close inspection, the adjudicator has said you slightly broke the rules because you ate it, you didn't suck it.
That means unfortunately, the point goes to my team! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! You don't bite, you suck.
Can you even perform? You didn't work the balls.
What kind of Frenchman are you? We are going for a wee.
See you in three.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome back to a special Celebrity Juice live edition.
In a minute we will play a special posh edition of the box game.
I will have a word with Eiji.
Our technical wizard.
Let's see what messages you are getting.
Going well? (SPEAKS JAPANESE) Kylie Minogue? Will she come on Celebrity Juice? Sexy? She said I am a sexy What else? Real people.
What are real people saying about the show live? That's me, yes.
Has anyone sent any sex tips for Christopher Ramsay so he can lose his Virginity? It's not even on.
It's not even on.
Let's go back outside.
The panellists, are they ready? Time to play Hello.
We are outside Elstree Studios to play a special edition of the box game, sponsored by boxes.
First up, Toff.
Are you having fun? It is quite tranquil.
I love talking to posh boxes.
Russell, are you living the dream? I feel free, free than I have ever felt.
You are having fun.
Fearne? I feel very trapped.
She is always trapped.
She wants to come out and get her dick out.
Can we just hurry up? Gino.
Move, you twat.
Ramsay? I've just lost my virginity in here.
Let me tell you about the course.
Go down the Kings Road into the posh Golden boxes.
Then to the Bullington club.
David Cameron and Boris Johnson smashing up the place.
Then to the forest of posh magazines commonly known as books.
Hugo the Foxhunter.
Ready? OK.
Go into the studio and up the ramp.
First team back wins a point.
3, 2, 1.
They are going through the posh Golden boxes.
Bullindgon Club.
Be careful of Boris Johnson.
They are smashing up the place.
Get in your box, you cheating bastard.
He's beating the shit out of Toff.
Into the studio, that is it.
Brand, get back in your box.
Get back under your box.
Cheese board, very posh.
Ramsay in the lead.
Up the ramp, Ramsay.
That's it.
Russell is not in the box.
Holly in second place.
We've got Ramsay, Holly in second place.
Russell has stolen the box.
Cross the finishing line.
We haven't got anyone past the finishing line.
Did you pass the finishing line? I lost my shoe.
I need an adjudicator.
Who won? Fearne's team.
Can we phone the police? Holly has lost a shoe.
Breaking news.
North Korea have found out we have stolen their gun and have declared war.
Straight to the news.
We're fucked.
Look at all those action men, we're fucked.
All of those aeroplanes like top gun.
It has got quite serious.
You know about politics.
Can you do a plea down camera three? Call off the war.
Kim Jong-un, I appeal to you.
I know you have been caught up in a lot of stuff with Donald Trump in the bad hair wars.
We are good people.
What about Italy? Take them out.
Think of us in Britain and our little fox friends.
Think again, Kim.
Going to an ad break.
See you in three.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice live.
You might be wondering why Gino and Christopher are dressed so smartly.
They will be taking on Kim Jong-un (BABBLES) Taking on him with his massive turbo rocket launchers.
Are you excited? No! They are.
Let's play Welcome to Can you catch a royal wedding dinner if it is travelling at the speed of light.
I am on the peripherals of Buckingham Palace.
Gino and Christopher will be taste testing the menu of the royal wedding.
He looks like he's going to kill me with that thing.
You will try and catch the food in your royal wedding bowl.
Why do I have to play this game? Why?! You love this game.
You cannot start a wedding without a glass of champagne.
Lift your visor up.
That champagne.
Is it champagne? It is nice.
(MIMICS GINO) Champagne like my mama used to make.
All you have to do is catch the food in the bowl.
I've got it.
First up, the hors d'oeuvres.
Caviar, salmon mousse.
I will count down.
Catch it in your bowl.
Stop talking, Toff, we are live.
Whoever gets the most in the bowl wins.
Pea soup.
Next up is Holly and Fearne.
Beef Wellington next.
The beef Wellington is next but they have done the beef Wellington.
The audience got the beef Wellington.
That was for the royal wedding and now you are eating it like a posh person.
Now we have Holly and Fearne, Wotsits.
Harry loves Wotsits.
He likes to lick the orange bits.
Catch it in your bowl.
There's more.
Catch it.
They are saying no.
Celebrity Juice live.
We will up the ante now.
We will be playing with a super massive turbo nuclear launcher.
Ooh! Here we go.
It's live.
Say hello to your mum.
We are live.
Say hello to your mum.
Say hello to your mum.
If this was pre-recorded all of that would be cut out.
This one is a trio of luxury desserts.
What are the desserts? Trifle.
Squirty cream.
And chocolate gateau.
What liqueur in the trifle? Madeira.
That is not a liqueur.
What is it, then? Let's do it.
Gino, you first.
Here is the first luxury dessert.
Ready? Ramsay.
Did he catch anything? Gino, did you catch anything? AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! He actually got some.
Keep it in.
No! Put your guard on, Gino, just in case.
Gino, your next dessert.
Hurry up, we are live.
Catch as much as you can.
Gino, ready? Ramsay, ready? Your final one.
Let's have a look.
Fucking hell, very good.
Let me take that one.
It is very slippy.
Can the adjudicator look? I think it is Gino D'Acampo.
The scores at the end of that round are sha-ting.
Link to break.
No, we have an action replay.
That came out with some force.
I was slightly winded.
It hurt my I do apologise.
You will not tell the police.
Don't tell the police.
Sorry, that's enough slow motion.
Link to the break.
We will come back in a moment.
So don't be a I can't say that.
No, you can't say it.
See you in a minute! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to live Celebrity Juice.
All to play for.
Hold on.
What's that? More breaking news.
How do you say his name? Kim Jong-un.
Kim Yon (BABBLES) He has been watching the show.
He has been really enjoying it and he will call off the war! # Celebrate good times That is how I imagined it would play out.
He still hates Gino D'Acampo, full of shit.
It is not, it is beef.
It stinks.
It smells.
Did it hurt? It did.
One caught me in the chest and it hurt.
I smell like the school bins at dinner.
You were more worried about your hair.
All to play for in our final round, the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
Holly? "I have a chalet in Val Desaire.
" Fearne? "I'm having a revolution!" Terrible impression of Russell brand.
Who is this twat? " do you have a utility room? I do.
" Is it Cowell? Simon Cowell.
I think I recognise that tattoo situation over the nipple area.
I think it is a certain pizza boy over there.
Pizza boy? Did you just call me pizza boy? In our house we call you the pizza man.
Is that you? Yes.
You would recognise that twattoo anywhere.
Next question.
What did Ed Sheeran recently revealed could delay his wedding? " I am mates with Noel Gallagher.
" There was a plague of little amphibious newts.
He was going to build a chapel in his garden but he couldn't because of a newt.
Who wore it better? Toff or Russell? Russell all day long.
Russell needs to do his bikini line.
Was it Toff? Russell? I think it was Russell.
Thank you.
What has Mark Wright reportedly begged Michelle Keegan not to do this week? What has he reportedly begged her not to do? Not go to work because he has an Amazon delivery coming? That's a bastard when that happens.
Holly's team.
Not to do more anal sex.
Begged her not to do it? That is incorrect.
He begged her not to sign up for Strictly.
Don't do it.
I am Richard Arnold in America reporting the showbiz.
Point for Russell if you can tell me one 5 syllable word.
It means one syllable word.
A harder one.
A point for Gino if he can give me five one syllable words.
What is one syllable? Hi is one.
Anything that's It's not 'really'.
Ah! He asked me what vocabulary meant earlier.
We are doomed.
One syllable words.
Five words.
You are watching Celebrity Juice, the pace got faster! Ant.
I am not bothered.
You are taking too long.
What is Toff up to here in this picture? She is in the jungle.
I am showering.
Let's have a look.
That's correct, having a sexy shower.
If we pull wider Who can do the best impression of Russell Brand? I would say Russell.
I am not on your teams.
Tinky winky! (KLAXON) That is the end of the round and the end of Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Normally they would just decide on a pre-record.
They have to do it live.
They are totting it up for real.
They have a calculator.
Who's won? Russell, your first time on the show.
Who? Fearne's team won! I am Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I will see you through the window.
Let's dance.
# QUEEN: Don't Stop Me Now