Celebrity Juice (2008) s18e12 Episode Script
The Sweetest Bits
1 'Hi, I'm, Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking "What the fuck is going on", but it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew, we made it just in time to the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on t'telly? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was though.
' Hi, Keith Lemon here.
You probably think I'm just hanging out in London.
Well, I'm not.
I'm here in London cos I'm off to see the edit where Celebrity Juice is made.
Yes! London, where television was invented.
It's all here.
I'm off into the edit.
We're going to look at the sweetest bits of series 18.
It's very exciting.
They all know me there.
You get free sweets.
You get food.
It's fantastic.
Let's get inside.
Very excited to be here.
Just go inside and we're gonna have fun and look at all the best bits of series 18.
(RINGING) I'm here.
I'm here! I'm here! (BEEPING) You're gonna probably cut to me inside, aren't ya? Nice one.
Aw, you're there.
I knew you'd cut to inside.
It's exciting, isn't it? Come in.
It's me, Keith.
Yes! See how happy they are to see me.
I'm here to see John.
He's cutting the best of series 18.
Shall I just go down? Just down there.
Have you got any free sweets? There are over there.
Oh, look.
They've got bananas.
I'll have them.
Hiya.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
They're all busy.
John, the editor, really loves visits from me.
John? Hey! All right.
Are you all right? I've brought some sweets.
Just in case we get peckish.
What you doing here? I come in here every week and me and John get on so well.
Cos I never interfere.
Now and again I'll say, "It'll be better if you speed that up a bit.
" Shall we have a first collection of clips from the best of series 18? Yeah, let's do it.
OK, let's Can I press play? Er Which one's play? You're not supposed to touch it.
Which one's play? The space bar.
Enjoy.
Ed Sheeran, thanks for joining us! Thanks for having me.
What happened to your arm? Er, I fell off a bike.
Pissed? No.
I was actually cycling to the pub.
(LAUGHTER) Is it fake news, though, and this is the PR spin? (LAUGHTER) I'm sure that you've worked out what actually happened.
My friend Jamal You know Jamal, Fearne? Mm.
He's a toilet attendant.
And he saw you in a night club wanking so fast (LAUGHTER) .
.
that your spaff exploded with such force, it threw you back and broke both your arms.
I think we've got a picture of you just after the spaff hit your face.
(LAUGHTER) We're not even ten minutes in.
I'm enjoying this.
Twisting my Mellor man (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, as you can see, we've got Will Mellor sat on the chair.
Shaun is gonna spin him round.
Well, you're not gonna spin him.
You're gonna twist.
Twist the Mellor, man.
Then the Mellor man will try and take two pints of crisps and a packet of lager Two pints of lager, one packet of crisps What's that show you do? Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
He's gonna try and take that over to Scarlett at the end of the bar.
But you can't spill any of it.
Right.
I really don't like spinny things.
I'm not just saying this.
I'm shite.
It's not spinning, it's twisting.
Twisting my Mellor man.
Are you ready? I'm gonna hand you this.
What? Now? No.
Oh, right.
(LAUGHTER) Shaun Shaun Shaun is now gonna twist the Mellor man.
# HAPPY MONDAYS: Step On Fucking hell! Fucking hell! (SHOUTS) No, no, no.
That's enough! Finish now! There you go.
There you go.
Here.
Here.
Here.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Will, Will, Will! Here's the crisps.
Get the crisps.
Still proper dizzy.
You went too far, there.
(LAUGHTER) I just want to check to see if Will spilt anything.
Here's an action replay.
Here! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) The state of me kecks! So I've done a bit of editing myself at home.
I learnt it on YouTube.
Just typed in "How do I do editing?" And I picked up some really nifty tricks.
I'm showing John how you can manipulate Fearne's face to make her look like her nostrils are even biggerer.
And if you lower this little cross down there, you can give her a big mouth.
If I just get it in-between there Are you gonna be long? I'm just showing you how fun it is.
I can also do summat with Gino, too.
What I've done is I've paused Gino here.
And you can draw things, you see.
You could draw that and you could animate that on.
You see, there? Gino is now enjoying some sweet dick.
It's good, isn't it? Erm, I've really got to crack on, mate.
It is funny Yeah, he's gotta I don't know what's up with him.
Normally he's really happy.
But he must be vexed about summat.
Maybe something's happened this week.
You carry on, then.
Here's some more best bits.
(MUTTERS UNDER BREATH) Do you know the difference between a lemon and a lime? I Yes.
Do you know how to get the zest out of a (LAUGHTER) Please just put the VT on.
(LAUGHTER) Here's a clip of Richard trying to get the zest out of lemon.
See how he struggles.
Oh, God.
Just squeeze the juice in there? Just the zest.
The zest? OK.
Yeah.
All right.
Yes.
No, no.
I'm just gonna (LAUGHTER) Which way's it go? (SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER) (SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) HOLLY: Oh, Richard! (LAUGHTER) Let me just say something.
JIMMY: Is it an apology? I'm No.
I'm not apologising.
No, I'm not.
Because black people don't zest in their good.
(LAUGHTER) Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're playing the race card? Where's my card? You're playing the race card? My card.
Playing the race card.
Let me tell you something.
You're playing the race card.
Yes, white man.
I'm playing the race card.
(LAUGHTER) Black people don't Now they do, since my mistake, but what it is (LAUGHTER) Ask a Jamaica person when they've ever zested in anything.
Jerk chicken.
Any zest? No.
Ox tail.
Zest? Where? Rice and peas.
Never zest.
Right? Right? We don't have zest.
And they were the ones that turned on me first.
Where's the camera? (SPEAKS IN JAMAICAN) That's Jamaican for "All of you.
" .
.
turned on me first.
"Oh, you don't know about zesting.
" Did you know about zesting? (LAUGHTER) No.
FEARNE: The best thing ever.
John, I'm just gonna Facetime Holly so she's part of this compilation.
Don't bang me.
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
Him over there.
(FACETIME RINGS) (LOUDLY) What's up, Holly Willoughboozy! Hi.
Are you drunk? No.
Are you sure? You look pissed up, boi! Do I? No, I'm not drunk.
I haven't had a drink today.
You're always drunk.
Anyway, what are you up to? I'm just in makeup at the moment.
You're at This Morning, aren't you? Schofield is sucking your dick.
(GASPS) He's out of frame and he's downstairs, isn't he? No.
No! OK, anyway, I'm at the edit for Celebrity Juice.
We're putting together the best bits of series 18.
What was your favourite game? Erm, do you know what? I quite liked the Wibbly Wobbly game.
That was quite fun.
You want to see my willy wobble? No, that's not what I said.
Listen really carefully cos the line didn't break up there.
You just heard what you wanted to hear.
I really liked the Wibbly Wobbly game.
My bits are never wibbly and wobbly around you, Holly Willoughboozy.
Stop! Wibbly Wobbly game, yes? Yes! Cool.
Ta-ra! Bye! Here's the Wibbly Wobbly game.
VOICEOVER: 'The Wibbly Wobbly Game with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly, wobbly, wibbly.
' Ready? (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Put your knees together.
Huh? Put your knees together.
Close your legs! Your knees.
Your knees.
(LAUGHTER) Together.
There we go.
Your time starts now, Gino! It looks like I've got a fucking camel toe here! (LAUGHTER) A fucking camel toe! You look like a little electrocuted frog.
(LAUGHTER) If you don't want children but still have sex Condoms! .
.
you put in the other hole.
Anal sex.
Anal! No, the other hole.
The other hole.
The mouth.
Er Oral! Oral! Blow job! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) Oh, my God.
(WOBBLY INDISTINCT SPEECH AND GIGGLING) What is it? (WOBBLING SPEECH) It's like (WOBBLING INDISTINCT SPEECH) (LAUGHTER) (WOBBLING INDISTINCT SPEECH) (KLAXON) (GIGGLES) (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Is that right? (GIGGLES) Are you robbing my pocket? FEARNE: It will be Loose Women all over.
(GROANS) (FARTING SOUND) (LAUGHTER) (JUDDERING) Is it I don't know.
He's not told me fucking anything.
(LAUGHTER) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) I'm making a total (BLEEP) of myself.
(KEITH WHISPERING) What? Badger? Oh! (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) I didn't even say it! I didn't say anything.
A black and white fucking animal.
(LAUGHTER) (WHISPERS) Feta cheese.
Cheese.
It's white and You can't say that! You can't say it! (BUZZER) You cheat! You're taking the piss! (BLEEP) We're gonna be here all fucking night.
(KEITH WHISPERS) OK.
What? Go on.
Well, it's not fried.
What do you want for your tea, fried or Scrambled? Eggs.
Scrambled eggs? You can't say it! (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) I didn't say it then! (KLAXON) (BLEEP) Said fuck all! KEITH: 'Coming up after t'break' I'm gonna have it! VICKY: What! (CHEERS) Hi.
Welcome back.
As you can see, Verne Troyer's dad has kicked me out of the edit because apparently I was making too much noise and she couldn't concentrate.
So I don't know where I'm gonna do the next link So whilst I find somewhere to do the next link, here's a link to the next bits.
Here's some bits.
I'm gonna give you a point for your team if you can be a bad boy.
Oh, well, what's involved? I'm gonna show you a picture.
And I want you to give it some grief.
Are you up for it? I'll give it a go.
Here's a picture of a kitten.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Give it some abuse.
Be a bad boy.
I'll give you a point for your team.
You're sitting there with your big blue eyes.
You're just a stupid, smelly pussy.
A little wanker.
You've got nothing with your fluffy hair and your big sticking-up ears and your silly smug grin.
Look at that tail wagging at me! You've got nothing, you stupid pussy! I'm gonna have it! (GLASS SHATTERS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHORTLES) Such a good sound! He's a bad boy! There's a point for his team! # DR DRE: The Next Episode (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) KEITH: Name It on the Hacienda Boogie, all right! # THE STONE ROSES: Fools Gold (MUSIC CUTS) (MANCHESTER ACCENT) Y'all right? Y'all right? Are you mad for it? Yeah, you're mad for it.
You're mad for it, aren't ya? Get your fucking headphones on! (CHEERING) Here we go with your dirty beats.
# REDNEX: Cotton Eyed Joe Eye I'm hooked on you.
Arm Never gonna get it! He's never gonna get it.
I'm dancing like a twat with you.
Wait.
Is that cotton? (MUSIC CUTS) Oh! Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! What? What were they dancing to? What are they dancing to? What were they raving up to? Armani.
(LAUGHTER) You put the wrong fucking record in my hands! Whoa! You've got a different song in there! Sound-cancelling headphones.
You've got a different song.
You've got to guess what they're dancing to.
How the fuck do I know what they're dancing to when you're playing the wrong record in my headphones, you (BLEEP.
(APPLAUSE) We're off again.
You've got to guess.
Oh, right.
OK.
Guess.
Right, so Cotton Eyed Joe.
(BUZZER) Put the sound-cancelling headphones on.
Gonna play another tune.
Let's go mad foe this! # WHAM: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go Sleep.
I'll be sleeping.
You wake me up.
He ain't got a fucking clue! Sleeping on the floor.
Wake him up.
Yes! Wake up.
Wake him and get up.
(MUSIC CUTS) (GROANS) (LAUGHTER) Shaun, what was it? Literally can't do anything else.
Get up and fucking get into Fearne.
That well-known hit from the 90s.
"Wake Up and Get Into Fearne.
" I can't even remember the 90s, you silly (BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER) Ah! Shaun, Shaun.
Do you remember this? # WHAM: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go Do you think I'd fucking dance to that in the Hacienda? I loved George but he was never on fucking our radar, was he? Get up and go fucking go home.
A Guy Called Gerald, Voodoo Ray and all that lot.
Not that fucking thing.
Give over! (LAUGHTER) WOMAN: Why are you in the toilet? I'm doing as link.
There's nowhere to do any links.
I don't want to get in the way.
He's already thrown me out.
So I'm here in the ever so exciting toilets at the edit.
They've got tiles, like you would find in a toilet.
There's toilet paper for wiping your bum.
Don't wipe too hard cos you'll get blood on the dancefloor.
Er, there's the toilet where you make your deposits of the pee and poo.
Sink and mirror.
It's fantastic.
There's nothing in here.
I don't know.
I'm just going to link.
Eh! Here's some more bits! So how long have you been married, you two? (LAUGHTER) He's been married a few years.
I haven't.
You're not married? Are you brother and sister? No (LAUGHTER) You're not related? We've been accused of being brother and sister, of being an item We've been accused of being the same person.
Yes? (LAUGHTER) And (LAUGHTER) I can see that! Stand up.
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE) Mark, are you scientifically a giant? Er, yes.
I'm over 1.
98 metres.
So, yes, I am.
He's actually a giant.
Does that mean you're big all over or just tall? Ask Stacey! AUDIENCE: Oh! Is he? # DR DRE: The Next Episode Is it true that you take a little dummy of yourself on tour? A doll? I like to take a little photo wherever I go.
And then I think I always look bad in the photo so I've got a little doll.
Have we got a picture of the doll? There he is.
I take half the responsibility.
It's the lady from the Dolmio ads that I shagged.
(LAUGHTER) That is our baby.
Where were you there? Just on the beach.
That is Blackpool, I think.
We took some cameras out and followed him.
We followed him on the weekend and this is what we found out.
He's a bit naughty.
(FARTING) (LAUGHTER) (SNORTING) (CHORTLES) (DOLL GROANS) AUDIENCE: Oh! He's disgusting.
He's a dirty bugger, isn't he? Sometimes he likes to party.
What of it? KEITH: 'What's Rappening?' # EMINEM: Lose Yourself (WITH ACCENT) Big up, big up, big up! Big up, big up, big up! Big up! You there, you got me! Welcome to What's Rappening? In this game, what's gonna happen is I'm gonna give you a word.
You've got to rap about that word.
And then your team members have got to guess what that word is.
You cannot You fucking cannot say that word in the rap.
You get me? So first up, Richard B.
This is your word.
What's that? What is it? What word? Don't tell me black people don't know this fucking word as well.
(LAUGHTER) Let's drop a beat.
(RAP BEAT PLAYS) Wow Yeah, yeah, yeah.
# A freestyle drop Is what I'm gonna drop # Hardcore from the top of the dome Never left alone # Some of the ladies say Hey, I'm just saying what they say # But this is like the weather # When rain drops But it's not so hard It's clever It's snow? No.
It's hail.
No.
# The rain drops But it's not so hard When it falls in your yard A puddle.
Muddy puddle.
# Forget the floor Forget the floor # Talk about the weather Forget the floor # The weather We're looking in the sky Rain comes from the sky Clouds? # And it drops But don't worry about the floor # The floor is not your reference Rain is the reference # Rain is the reference (LAUGHTER) # Rain is the reference Keep rain in your head Rain in your head Rainbow.
Rainbow.
# Take the rain out the title Take the rain out the title # It's It's a type of rain It's a type of rain Sleet? Pissing rain.
# You're nearly there You're nearly there # Go through the whole thing # So you got sleet No # Hail No Snow Fuck no Drizzle? Yes! (CHEERING) Drizzle.
I'm just gonna Facetime Fearne, so she's involved in this compilation show.
Otherwise I swear down she will get her dick out in front of me and belittle me because her dick is bigger than mine.
It isn't.
Just joking.
Hold on.
(FACETIME RINGING) Here I am.
Fearne, it's Keith.
Hi, Keith.
It's Keith.
Yeah, I know.
I can hear you.
Hello? It's Keith.
Yes.
What are you, 60? I can hear you.
Hello.
I'm just phoning you for a natural chat.
Well it's great to hear from you.
Let's chat naturally.
OK.
Where are you? What are you doing? I'm in edit doing the compilation show for Celebrity Juice series 18.
You're in charge of the edit? Always.
Not the greatest idea.
I am the Simon Cowell of this operation.
I decide everything.
OK.
We've done natural chat.
What do you want me to do? Can you just say "Here's some of the best bits?" Here's some more best bits.
Do it happier.
Here's some more best bits.
That was too happy.
Do it more morose.
(MOROSE) Here are some more best bits.
Cheers.
Bye now.
Good luck.
Fuck off.
You fuck off.
I'm just joking, I really Ooh, it's still on.
I do actually really like her.
I have a lot of time for her.
Have I belittled her link to the best bits now? I have, haven't I? So sorry, Fearne.
Now I'm owning this link.
Here's some more best bits.
Bin Juice (CHEERING) VICKY: Oh, that one looks soggy.
It's dripping! (ALL GROANING IN DISGUST) What we've done here for Johnny, cos you're team captain I'm not This is a special one.
If you drink the full contents of the bin juice (AUDIENCE GROAN) .
.
you'll win five points.
Come on! (CHANTING) Johnny! Johnny! (ALL CHANTING) Come on, Johnny! Oh, that's rank! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (CHANTING) Johnny! Johnny! (CHANTING CONTINUES) Come on! Go on! Yes! (CHEERING) Oh! Go on, lad! (CHEERS) Go on! Woo! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Five points for Johnny Vegas! Yes! (CHEERING) Johnny's going to be sick! No, no, no.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oh! 'Coming up after t'break' (CHEERING) Anyone got a torch? Are you free on Saturday? Hi.
Welcome back to the best bits of series 18.
You know this show.
We just do links to the best bits of this series.
I'm at the edit and, unfortunately, the editor has kicked me out and I'm just wondering, is there any way we can get a different editor? They won't let me film in there.
Or have you got suggestions for somewhere else we can film which is exciting? We could go downstairs and film some links in the tape room.
The tape room? We're going to the tape room! It's really exciting down there.
I've just got one more question.
Is this air con and a heater? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Whilst we go down to the tape room, here's a link right now to the best You just say, "Here's some more best bits.
" Here's some more best bits.
Word.
VOICEOVER: The Circle.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Welcome to my new show.
The Circle.
VOICEOVER: 'The Circle.
' Which is nothing like The Cube cos it's, in actual fact, a circle.
'The Circle.
' The rules for the circle are 'The Circle.
' The rules for the circle are 'The Circle.
' All you've got to do is stay within the circle.
'The Circle.
' (LAUGHTER) First up to play The Circle 'The Circle.
' (LAUGHTER) First up to enter my circle 'The Circ' Oh, fucking shut up! 'I'm just trying to do my job.
' (LAUGHTER) First to enter the Circle is Ed Sheeran.
(CHEERING) Careful.
Careful.
It's a bit slippy.
Don't want to fall.
Straight into the circle.
No fear at all.
OK.
All you've got to do to win a point for your team is just stay in the circle.
Pretty easy.
Confident? (LAUGHS) No, it's easy, man.
It's easy.
Yep, yep.
I'm gonna get in the circle with you.
All right.
# JAMES BLUNT: Beautiful (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Did you enjoy that? (LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE) (INDISTINCT SPEECH) He's broke my jewellery! There used to be a Frenchman who used to go into the woods and he used to do Chanson d'Oiseau and he used to listen to them singing and then annotate it as they sang.
Isn't that remarkable? Are you a real person? (LAUGHTER) Are you a real person, for real? Yes.
When you get home and you're tired (GRUFF) "Should have fucking stayed in character.
" (LAUGHTER) I love you.
I'm rather bewitched, too, you know.
I love men on a coppery spectrum.
(LAUGHTER) Now, the tape room, for any of you that haven't been to a tape room, it's a little bit like Indiana Jones.
It's just a massive vault of tapes.
I think it's down here.
Here it is.
It's a It It's, erm It's a bit shit, isn't it? Nothing here, really.
What's weird is I can't see any Celebrity Juice.
So, erm, what I will do now, working on my feet, I'm gonna phone Gino.
Let's get Gino involved in this, the best bits of series 18.
(FACETIME RINGING) Hey, buddy.
How you doing? Gino D'Acampo, you Italian bastard! How's it going? Very good.
Very good.
It's great.
I'm in Sardinia right now.
Are you sure you're not in your dressing room? I'm not in my dressing room.
No.
I'm in a room in my house on the island of Sardinia.
Why? You look like you're in your dressing room doing another show other than Celebrity Juice.
No, no.
I'm at home.
I'm relaxing.
Nice and comfortable and ready to go out for dinner.
How you doing? Everybody all right there? I'm at work Gino.
I'm doing the compilation show.
Celebrity Juice Best Bits.
Cos that's what I do.
That's what I'm doing.
Whilst you're there relaxing, I'm here working.
I'm not relaxing.
I'm working here, as well.
I'm doing recipes for new books, new restaurants and new shows.
You know that I'm busy, come on.
Don't start to go on and on that I'm never there.
Stop plugging your shit.
I need to know what your best bits were of series 18.
When you were there, cos you were hardly ever there.
My favourite bit.
Joey Essex.
When he went down to the spooky thing for, er You know, the scary thing.
That was my favourite thing ever.
I really, really laughed my socks off.
Oh, I remember.
Cos that's the week you decided to turn up.
Anyway, say hello to your Mrs.
All t'best.
Bye! VOICEOVER: 'Joey Essex: The Zombie Hunter.
Ream.
' KEITH: Go in.
(EVIL CACKLING) Go in! See it? Can you see it? The syringe.
Why wouldn't you walk around? Why go underneath? (LAUGHTER) You're looking for a big syringe.
Get the syringe and get out.
There it is! There it is.
Up on the bin.
On top of the bin! (LAUGHTER) It's on the bin! (LAUGHTER) Where? (GROANING) (CRIES OUT) I dropped it! (SHRIEKING) (SCREAMS) (GROWLING) Fuck off.
Fuck this.
Fuck off.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Oh, my Jesus! Allow it? Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Oh, Jesus.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no, no, no, no, bruv.
I ain't going in there, mate.
Get the next syringe! Has anyone got a torch? (LAUGHTER) Has anyone got a torch? I can't see.
Get in, get in! Fucking hell.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
(GROWLING) Oh, shit! Get in quick! Oh, he's already in! Be quiet! (JOEY WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (SOBBING) Allow it, allow it.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) (PANTING) (GROWLING) (CHORTLES) Look, mate, I can't help ya.
I can't help ya.
Have you got the syringe? I can't help ya.
I can't help ya.
"I can't help ya!" I've got (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERING) Put the syringe in this mouth! (SCREAMING) Put it in his mouth! (ALL GROWLING) I've run out.
I've run out.
Come back.
(SHRIEKING) (GROWLING) Shit! (SCREAMS) Do you know John, the editor downstairs? Oh, yeah.
John.
Right little bitch, isn't he? He can be.
He kicked me out of the room.
Was he in Right Said Fred? Was he in Right Said Fred? He was one of them, wasn't he? I think he was.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
We're in the sound edits.
(PHONE RINGING) Oops.
Hold on a second.
We're just doing a link for Celebrity Juice Best Bits Series 18.
I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah? OK.
So this is where we make the sound sound juicy, basically.
We're trying to fix Fearne's voice.
Cos at the moment it sounds a bit deep.
Sounds a bit geezer.
Let's have a listen.
.
.
put a picture up online of you wearing that.
(DEEP VOICE) Of course.
(CACKLES) (DEEP VOICE) Waving a tampon in the air.
(CACKLES) Aw, we're just messing about.
That's not really her voice, we're just making it sound like a geezer.
OK.
Here's some more best bits.
That was good, that.
Did you try to show me your willy? Fucking dirty boy.
(LAUGHS) VOICEOVER: 'Gino's Autumn Fisting Game.
Fantastico.
' (APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Thank you.
(CHANTING) Gino! Gino! Thank you.
(CHANTING) Hello.
I'm Gino D'Acampo.
And everybody knows Gino You're looking at the wrong camera.
(LAUGHTER) Which one? Camera three.
You know the one with the massive fuck off red light on it? (LAUGHTER) There is no need for that.
We can cut this off.
I do it again.
HOLLY: Cut this off.
(LAUGHTER) Cut it off.
Camera three, the light is not on! That's it.
All right.
My next (CACKLES) (LAUGHTER) We should never have told you about the red light.
It's like a kitten with a torch.
There's fucking red lights everywhere! I see red lights everywhere.
Look, two.
There's three.
Which one? Make your mind up.
Which one is it? That one.
That one is also (LAUGHTER) So, my next guest Oh, you fucking So my next guest My next My next guest is I've been waiting all evening for this.
Fred.
Come here.
(CHEERING) (JINGLE PLAYS) (CHEERING) You come here.
Welcome to my show.
Gino's Autumn Fisting.
Sit on my face.
Slowly Slow.
(LAUGHTER) There's no need for that.
Do your sleeves up.
Just saying.
Do your sleeves up.
It's good of you to wear a tablecloth as a shirt.
(LAUGHTER) It may blind you.
There you go.
(GODFATHER THEME PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) Sit there.
Gino, I'm not going to have to fist.
To fist a No? No, you stay there.
Don't move.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oh! (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oh! OK.
Now the item is prepared, please, Fred, make your fist.
Go on.
So, ready? We're going to start by (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) So Rub it in.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) What's that smell? OK.
Just in case you didn't get it.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) It's not nice.
Your time is up.
(KLAXON) (LAUGHS) End of the show and the end of the score is Fist-ing! At the end of the score? What? The scores at the end of that round.
The scores Not the show at the end of the score.
The score at the end of the round.
The score I can do it.
I can do it.
(LAUGHTER) And the score at the end of that round is Fist-ing! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now I'm gonna go for a poo, I'll see you in two.
KEITH: 'Coming up after t'break.
' You're gonna have to speak in dog.
You know how to do that, don't you? (LAUGHTER) (BARKS) WOMAN: Keith? Where's he gone? (MOANING SOUNDS) Shall we try in here? (MOANING CONTINUES) I like these but I think I prefer rhubarb and custard.
These are Hi.
I'm just looking for some more unseen bits.
For, erm It's not going off.
It's going up! The volume's going up! (WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Here's some more best bits.
It won't turn down! (LOUD MOANING) As well as X-Factor, the biggest news that we've got about you is that you've done a voiceover for a Christmas TV show for dogs, about dogs.
Yeah.
It's made for dogs to watch.
That's true, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's new, isn't it? Different.
It's a gig.
When you said that, I did the dog thing.
I went "Huh?" (LAUGHTER) I can't believe I did that.
What's it called, Louis? I forget.
Woofter or something.
Woofter.
It's a Woof's Life or something.
It's something like that.
I'll tell you what it's called.
It's called Merry Woofmas.
OK.
(LAUGHTER) We've got a clip.
Let's have a look at this.
LOUIS: 'It's Christmas morning, and sitting at home, Holly the doggie is after a bone.
' (LAUGHTER) 'In the Christmas stocking there's many a treat, but a big juicy bone is all she wants to eat.
That's a big bone.
' (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I'll tell you what, why don't you give a message? We have a big fan base that are dogs.
Yeah, yeah.
Send a message down camera five.
They love it.
Sell it to the dogs at home.
Camera five, down there.
This is a very short movie.
It's for Christmas and it's for They aren't going to understand.
You have to speak in dog.
(LAUGHTER) You know how to do that, don't you? (INHALES) (SILENCE) (LAUGHTER) Woof, woof, woof.
That's hello.
(BARKS) (LAUGHTER) You're sacked.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH) VOICEOVER: 'The Yes No Yes No Game! Yes? No! Yes!' # DAWN PENN: You Don't Love Me Welcome to the Yes No Yes No Game.
This game is simple.
I'm going to ask our panellists a Yes/No question.
They simply have to answer correctly with the opposite action.
So, for example, if someone says to me, "Are you the host of Celebrity Juice?" I would say yes.
HOLLY: Ah.
First up is Brian Conley.
Oh, here we go.
(CHEERING) We need points! I know, I know.
I'll be rubbish at this.
It's difficult.
It's like the whole This business.
Can we have a lighting change just to make it a bit more dramatic? Oh! AUDIENCE: Ooh! FEARNE: Now we're talking.
Now it's tense.
Better, isn't it? Yeah, it's scary.
(LAUGHTER) You think that's better? Yeah, much better.
(BUZZER) We're playing it now.
Ooh! (LAUGHTER) Brilliant.
(LAUGHS) Are you ready? Oh, gawd! Are you ready? Yes! Yay! Do you like the word "yes"? Yes.
Do you like the word "no"? Oh, gawd.
Yes! (LAUGHTER) Would you like to kiss me? Oh, gawd.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) How many more? Yes No.
(LAUGHTER) You said yes.
I know.
I can't do it.
Is this a giraffe? Yes.
Is that right? Yes.
Is it an elephant? Ye No! (BUZZER) Did you have sex with this dolphin? Are you gonna show a picture? Oh, gawd.
"I don't know.
Let me see the dolphin first.
' (LAUGHTER) Did you have sex with that dolphin? Yes.
No! (BUZZER) (KLAXON) Oh, gawd.
(CHEERING) Brian Conley, everyone! (CHEERING) VOICEOVER: 'The Incredible Hulk's Asshole.
' (CHEERING) OK.
I'm going to transport your heads onto a different person's body.
Now (MAKES MAGIC SOUND) (LAUGHTER) Are we a body part? Yes.
Is it someone's bollocks? Yeah! Am I a knob end? We're a pair of ball bags, Nadia.
No, no.
Fearne is right.
It's a screenshot that will haunt us forever.
Are we Louis Walsh's ballbag? No.
You're right.
Are we Ed Sheeran's ballbag? No.
Are we Chris Kamara's ballbag? No.
Are we Simon Cowell's ballbag? Yeah! (APPLAUSE) I'm going to transport your head onto another celebrity body.
Now (MAKES MAGIC SOUND) (LAUGHTER) NADIA: Really bad.
Really, really bad.
Chris.
Chris.
Mate Is this going to make it on TV? Mate, I'll be honest with you, there's a large portion of this picture that won't make it on TV.
(LAUGHTER) Ed, just look down a second.
Look down.
Yeah, that's better.
(LAUGHTER) Am I putting my penis in somebody's mouth? Hey! (APPLAUSE) Am I me getting a fucking chewy from James Blunt? Yes! (APPLAUSE) Hi.
So I'm back in the edit, here with John.
Who has decided to take the stick out of his asshole and let me back.
We're having a laugh, aren't we? Because what we're doing now is we're cutting the montage for the final part of the show.
How long's it going to take? Normally about three days.
Is it fuck.
We've already done it.
That's what I'm linking to.
So if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you next year.
Are we gonna kiss? Hm.
We're not there yet.
We're not there yet.
I wouldn't kiss you anyway.
All t'best though.
Cheers.
Enjoy.
Hello! Welcome to Celebrity Juice Series 18! (CHEERING) # INXS: New Sensation (SONG CONTINUES) (GASPING) (LAUGHTER) Do I look like a fucking Gino to you? (LAUGHTER) (HOWLS) (GIGGLING) What does Marvin's penis look like? (BEEPING) A dream.
(LAUGHTER) # LUIS FONSI: Despacito Oh! (SONG CONTINUES) Let me out! FEARNE: That's quite a lot.
Ooh.
It's a memoire of my career and a collection of stories, really.
There's some philosophy, in here, of service.
The restaurant industry is a great blueprint for customer service.
(YAWNS) (LAUGHTER) # LITTLE MIX: Power (CRIES IN PAIN) Have you ever fisted before? No, I have never fisted anything.
Well, enjoy, darling.
You're about to.
(LAUGHTER) (SCREAMS) I just want to know if you're into anal sex.
Aw, shitbags.
(SCREAMS) No! Things you would say to a dead spider.
Oh, I'm sorry you're dead.
Aw, what about your mum? Better luck next time.
# LITTLE MIX: Power Bullshit! (FARTING SOUND) (CRIES OUT) (GROWLS) (CRIES OUT) (CHEERING) Eiffel Tower is a piece of shit.
(LAUGHTER) (MUFFLED SPEECH) Break.
(BLEEP)
Check out my sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking "What the fuck is going on", but it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
Phew, we made it just in time to the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on t'telly? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was though.
' Hi, Keith Lemon here.
You probably think I'm just hanging out in London.
Well, I'm not.
I'm here in London cos I'm off to see the edit where Celebrity Juice is made.
Yes! London, where television was invented.
It's all here.
I'm off into the edit.
We're going to look at the sweetest bits of series 18.
It's very exciting.
They all know me there.
You get free sweets.
You get food.
It's fantastic.
Let's get inside.
Very excited to be here.
Just go inside and we're gonna have fun and look at all the best bits of series 18.
(RINGING) I'm here.
I'm here! I'm here! (BEEPING) You're gonna probably cut to me inside, aren't ya? Nice one.
Aw, you're there.
I knew you'd cut to inside.
It's exciting, isn't it? Come in.
It's me, Keith.
Yes! See how happy they are to see me.
I'm here to see John.
He's cutting the best of series 18.
Shall I just go down? Just down there.
Have you got any free sweets? There are over there.
Oh, look.
They've got bananas.
I'll have them.
Hiya.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
They're all busy.
John, the editor, really loves visits from me.
John? Hey! All right.
Are you all right? I've brought some sweets.
Just in case we get peckish.
What you doing here? I come in here every week and me and John get on so well.
Cos I never interfere.
Now and again I'll say, "It'll be better if you speed that up a bit.
" Shall we have a first collection of clips from the best of series 18? Yeah, let's do it.
OK, let's Can I press play? Er Which one's play? You're not supposed to touch it.
Which one's play? The space bar.
Enjoy.
Ed Sheeran, thanks for joining us! Thanks for having me.
What happened to your arm? Er, I fell off a bike.
Pissed? No.
I was actually cycling to the pub.
(LAUGHTER) Is it fake news, though, and this is the PR spin? (LAUGHTER) I'm sure that you've worked out what actually happened.
My friend Jamal You know Jamal, Fearne? Mm.
He's a toilet attendant.
And he saw you in a night club wanking so fast (LAUGHTER) .
.
that your spaff exploded with such force, it threw you back and broke both your arms.
I think we've got a picture of you just after the spaff hit your face.
(LAUGHTER) We're not even ten minutes in.
I'm enjoying this.
Twisting my Mellor man (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, as you can see, we've got Will Mellor sat on the chair.
Shaun is gonna spin him round.
Well, you're not gonna spin him.
You're gonna twist.
Twist the Mellor, man.
Then the Mellor man will try and take two pints of crisps and a packet of lager Two pints of lager, one packet of crisps What's that show you do? Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
He's gonna try and take that over to Scarlett at the end of the bar.
But you can't spill any of it.
Right.
I really don't like spinny things.
I'm not just saying this.
I'm shite.
It's not spinning, it's twisting.
Twisting my Mellor man.
Are you ready? I'm gonna hand you this.
What? Now? No.
Oh, right.
(LAUGHTER) Shaun Shaun Shaun is now gonna twist the Mellor man.
# HAPPY MONDAYS: Step On Fucking hell! Fucking hell! (SHOUTS) No, no, no.
That's enough! Finish now! There you go.
There you go.
Here.
Here.
Here.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Will, Will, Will! Here's the crisps.
Get the crisps.
Still proper dizzy.
You went too far, there.
(LAUGHTER) I just want to check to see if Will spilt anything.
Here's an action replay.
Here! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) The state of me kecks! So I've done a bit of editing myself at home.
I learnt it on YouTube.
Just typed in "How do I do editing?" And I picked up some really nifty tricks.
I'm showing John how you can manipulate Fearne's face to make her look like her nostrils are even biggerer.
And if you lower this little cross down there, you can give her a big mouth.
If I just get it in-between there Are you gonna be long? I'm just showing you how fun it is.
I can also do summat with Gino, too.
What I've done is I've paused Gino here.
And you can draw things, you see.
You could draw that and you could animate that on.
You see, there? Gino is now enjoying some sweet dick.
It's good, isn't it? Erm, I've really got to crack on, mate.
It is funny Yeah, he's gotta I don't know what's up with him.
Normally he's really happy.
But he must be vexed about summat.
Maybe something's happened this week.
You carry on, then.
Here's some more best bits.
(MUTTERS UNDER BREATH) Do you know the difference between a lemon and a lime? I Yes.
Do you know how to get the zest out of a (LAUGHTER) Please just put the VT on.
(LAUGHTER) Here's a clip of Richard trying to get the zest out of lemon.
See how he struggles.
Oh, God.
Just squeeze the juice in there? Just the zest.
The zest? OK.
Yeah.
All right.
Yes.
No, no.
I'm just gonna (LAUGHTER) Which way's it go? (SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER) (SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) HOLLY: Oh, Richard! (LAUGHTER) Let me just say something.
JIMMY: Is it an apology? I'm No.
I'm not apologising.
No, I'm not.
Because black people don't zest in their good.
(LAUGHTER) Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're playing the race card? Where's my card? You're playing the race card? My card.
Playing the race card.
Let me tell you something.
You're playing the race card.
Yes, white man.
I'm playing the race card.
(LAUGHTER) Black people don't Now they do, since my mistake, but what it is (LAUGHTER) Ask a Jamaica person when they've ever zested in anything.
Jerk chicken.
Any zest? No.
Ox tail.
Zest? Where? Rice and peas.
Never zest.
Right? Right? We don't have zest.
And they were the ones that turned on me first.
Where's the camera? (SPEAKS IN JAMAICAN) That's Jamaican for "All of you.
" .
.
turned on me first.
"Oh, you don't know about zesting.
" Did you know about zesting? (LAUGHTER) No.
FEARNE: The best thing ever.
John, I'm just gonna Facetime Holly so she's part of this compilation.
Don't bang me.
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
Him over there.
(FACETIME RINGS) (LOUDLY) What's up, Holly Willoughboozy! Hi.
Are you drunk? No.
Are you sure? You look pissed up, boi! Do I? No, I'm not drunk.
I haven't had a drink today.
You're always drunk.
Anyway, what are you up to? I'm just in makeup at the moment.
You're at This Morning, aren't you? Schofield is sucking your dick.
(GASPS) He's out of frame and he's downstairs, isn't he? No.
No! OK, anyway, I'm at the edit for Celebrity Juice.
We're putting together the best bits of series 18.
What was your favourite game? Erm, do you know what? I quite liked the Wibbly Wobbly game.
That was quite fun.
You want to see my willy wobble? No, that's not what I said.
Listen really carefully cos the line didn't break up there.
You just heard what you wanted to hear.
I really liked the Wibbly Wobbly game.
My bits are never wibbly and wobbly around you, Holly Willoughboozy.
Stop! Wibbly Wobbly game, yes? Yes! Cool.
Ta-ra! Bye! Here's the Wibbly Wobbly game.
VOICEOVER: 'The Wibbly Wobbly Game with Jonathan Ross.
Wibbly, wobbly, wibbly.
' Ready? (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Put your knees together.
Huh? Put your knees together.
Close your legs! Your knees.
Your knees.
(LAUGHTER) Together.
There we go.
Your time starts now, Gino! It looks like I've got a fucking camel toe here! (LAUGHTER) A fucking camel toe! You look like a little electrocuted frog.
(LAUGHTER) If you don't want children but still have sex Condoms! .
.
you put in the other hole.
Anal sex.
Anal! No, the other hole.
The other hole.
The mouth.
Er Oral! Oral! Blow job! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) Oh, my God.
(WOBBLY INDISTINCT SPEECH AND GIGGLING) What is it? (WOBBLING SPEECH) It's like (WOBBLING INDISTINCT SPEECH) (LAUGHTER) (WOBBLING INDISTINCT SPEECH) (KLAXON) (GIGGLES) (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Is that right? (GIGGLES) Are you robbing my pocket? FEARNE: It will be Loose Women all over.
(GROANS) (FARTING SOUND) (LAUGHTER) (JUDDERING) Is it I don't know.
He's not told me fucking anything.
(LAUGHTER) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) I'm making a total (BLEEP) of myself.
(KEITH WHISPERING) What? Badger? Oh! (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) I didn't even say it! I didn't say anything.
A black and white fucking animal.
(LAUGHTER) (WHISPERS) Feta cheese.
Cheese.
It's white and You can't say that! You can't say it! (BUZZER) You cheat! You're taking the piss! (BLEEP) We're gonna be here all fucking night.
(KEITH WHISPERS) OK.
What? Go on.
Well, it's not fried.
What do you want for your tea, fried or Scrambled? Eggs.
Scrambled eggs? You can't say it! (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) I didn't say it then! (KLAXON) (BLEEP) Said fuck all! KEITH: 'Coming up after t'break' I'm gonna have it! VICKY: What! (CHEERS) Hi.
Welcome back.
As you can see, Verne Troyer's dad has kicked me out of the edit because apparently I was making too much noise and she couldn't concentrate.
So I don't know where I'm gonna do the next link So whilst I find somewhere to do the next link, here's a link to the next bits.
Here's some bits.
I'm gonna give you a point for your team if you can be a bad boy.
Oh, well, what's involved? I'm gonna show you a picture.
And I want you to give it some grief.
Are you up for it? I'll give it a go.
Here's a picture of a kitten.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Give it some abuse.
Be a bad boy.
I'll give you a point for your team.
You're sitting there with your big blue eyes.
You're just a stupid, smelly pussy.
A little wanker.
You've got nothing with your fluffy hair and your big sticking-up ears and your silly smug grin.
Look at that tail wagging at me! You've got nothing, you stupid pussy! I'm gonna have it! (GLASS SHATTERS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHORTLES) Such a good sound! He's a bad boy! There's a point for his team! # DR DRE: The Next Episode (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) KEITH: Name It on the Hacienda Boogie, all right! # THE STONE ROSES: Fools Gold (MUSIC CUTS) (MANCHESTER ACCENT) Y'all right? Y'all right? Are you mad for it? Yeah, you're mad for it.
You're mad for it, aren't ya? Get your fucking headphones on! (CHEERING) Here we go with your dirty beats.
# REDNEX: Cotton Eyed Joe Eye I'm hooked on you.
Arm Never gonna get it! He's never gonna get it.
I'm dancing like a twat with you.
Wait.
Is that cotton? (MUSIC CUTS) Oh! Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! Shaun! What? What were they dancing to? What are they dancing to? What were they raving up to? Armani.
(LAUGHTER) You put the wrong fucking record in my hands! Whoa! You've got a different song in there! Sound-cancelling headphones.
You've got a different song.
You've got to guess what they're dancing to.
How the fuck do I know what they're dancing to when you're playing the wrong record in my headphones, you (BLEEP.
(APPLAUSE) We're off again.
You've got to guess.
Oh, right.
OK.
Guess.
Right, so Cotton Eyed Joe.
(BUZZER) Put the sound-cancelling headphones on.
Gonna play another tune.
Let's go mad foe this! # WHAM: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go Sleep.
I'll be sleeping.
You wake me up.
He ain't got a fucking clue! Sleeping on the floor.
Wake him up.
Yes! Wake up.
Wake him and get up.
(MUSIC CUTS) (GROANS) (LAUGHTER) Shaun, what was it? Literally can't do anything else.
Get up and fucking get into Fearne.
That well-known hit from the 90s.
"Wake Up and Get Into Fearne.
" I can't even remember the 90s, you silly (BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER) Ah! Shaun, Shaun.
Do you remember this? # WHAM: Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go Do you think I'd fucking dance to that in the Hacienda? I loved George but he was never on fucking our radar, was he? Get up and go fucking go home.
A Guy Called Gerald, Voodoo Ray and all that lot.
Not that fucking thing.
Give over! (LAUGHTER) WOMAN: Why are you in the toilet? I'm doing as link.
There's nowhere to do any links.
I don't want to get in the way.
He's already thrown me out.
So I'm here in the ever so exciting toilets at the edit.
They've got tiles, like you would find in a toilet.
There's toilet paper for wiping your bum.
Don't wipe too hard cos you'll get blood on the dancefloor.
Er, there's the toilet where you make your deposits of the pee and poo.
Sink and mirror.
It's fantastic.
There's nothing in here.
I don't know.
I'm just going to link.
Eh! Here's some more bits! So how long have you been married, you two? (LAUGHTER) He's been married a few years.
I haven't.
You're not married? Are you brother and sister? No (LAUGHTER) You're not related? We've been accused of being brother and sister, of being an item We've been accused of being the same person.
Yes? (LAUGHTER) And (LAUGHTER) I can see that! Stand up.
Yeah.
(APPLAUSE) Mark, are you scientifically a giant? Er, yes.
I'm over 1.
98 metres.
So, yes, I am.
He's actually a giant.
Does that mean you're big all over or just tall? Ask Stacey! AUDIENCE: Oh! Is he? # DR DRE: The Next Episode Is it true that you take a little dummy of yourself on tour? A doll? I like to take a little photo wherever I go.
And then I think I always look bad in the photo so I've got a little doll.
Have we got a picture of the doll? There he is.
I take half the responsibility.
It's the lady from the Dolmio ads that I shagged.
(LAUGHTER) That is our baby.
Where were you there? Just on the beach.
That is Blackpool, I think.
We took some cameras out and followed him.
We followed him on the weekend and this is what we found out.
He's a bit naughty.
(FARTING) (LAUGHTER) (SNORTING) (CHORTLES) (DOLL GROANS) AUDIENCE: Oh! He's disgusting.
He's a dirty bugger, isn't he? Sometimes he likes to party.
What of it? KEITH: 'What's Rappening?' # EMINEM: Lose Yourself (WITH ACCENT) Big up, big up, big up! Big up, big up, big up! Big up! You there, you got me! Welcome to What's Rappening? In this game, what's gonna happen is I'm gonna give you a word.
You've got to rap about that word.
And then your team members have got to guess what that word is.
You cannot You fucking cannot say that word in the rap.
You get me? So first up, Richard B.
This is your word.
What's that? What is it? What word? Don't tell me black people don't know this fucking word as well.
(LAUGHTER) Let's drop a beat.
(RAP BEAT PLAYS) Wow Yeah, yeah, yeah.
# A freestyle drop Is what I'm gonna drop # Hardcore from the top of the dome Never left alone # Some of the ladies say Hey, I'm just saying what they say # But this is like the weather # When rain drops But it's not so hard It's clever It's snow? No.
It's hail.
No.
# The rain drops But it's not so hard When it falls in your yard A puddle.
Muddy puddle.
# Forget the floor Forget the floor # Talk about the weather Forget the floor # The weather We're looking in the sky Rain comes from the sky Clouds? # And it drops But don't worry about the floor # The floor is not your reference Rain is the reference # Rain is the reference (LAUGHTER) # Rain is the reference Keep rain in your head Rain in your head Rainbow.
Rainbow.
# Take the rain out the title Take the rain out the title # It's It's a type of rain It's a type of rain Sleet? Pissing rain.
# You're nearly there You're nearly there # Go through the whole thing # So you got sleet No # Hail No Snow Fuck no Drizzle? Yes! (CHEERING) Drizzle.
I'm just gonna Facetime Fearne, so she's involved in this compilation show.
Otherwise I swear down she will get her dick out in front of me and belittle me because her dick is bigger than mine.
It isn't.
Just joking.
Hold on.
(FACETIME RINGING) Here I am.
Fearne, it's Keith.
Hi, Keith.
It's Keith.
Yeah, I know.
I can hear you.
Hello? It's Keith.
Yes.
What are you, 60? I can hear you.
Hello.
I'm just phoning you for a natural chat.
Well it's great to hear from you.
Let's chat naturally.
OK.
Where are you? What are you doing? I'm in edit doing the compilation show for Celebrity Juice series 18.
You're in charge of the edit? Always.
Not the greatest idea.
I am the Simon Cowell of this operation.
I decide everything.
OK.
We've done natural chat.
What do you want me to do? Can you just say "Here's some of the best bits?" Here's some more best bits.
Do it happier.
Here's some more best bits.
That was too happy.
Do it more morose.
(MOROSE) Here are some more best bits.
Cheers.
Bye now.
Good luck.
Fuck off.
You fuck off.
I'm just joking, I really Ooh, it's still on.
I do actually really like her.
I have a lot of time for her.
Have I belittled her link to the best bits now? I have, haven't I? So sorry, Fearne.
Now I'm owning this link.
Here's some more best bits.
Bin Juice (CHEERING) VICKY: Oh, that one looks soggy.
It's dripping! (ALL GROANING IN DISGUST) What we've done here for Johnny, cos you're team captain I'm not This is a special one.
If you drink the full contents of the bin juice (AUDIENCE GROAN) .
.
you'll win five points.
Come on! (CHANTING) Johnny! Johnny! (ALL CHANTING) Come on, Johnny! Oh, that's rank! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (CHANTING) Johnny! Johnny! (CHANTING CONTINUES) Come on! Go on! Yes! (CHEERING) Oh! Go on, lad! (CHEERS) Go on! Woo! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Five points for Johnny Vegas! Yes! (CHEERING) Johnny's going to be sick! No, no, no.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oh! 'Coming up after t'break' (CHEERING) Anyone got a torch? Are you free on Saturday? Hi.
Welcome back to the best bits of series 18.
You know this show.
We just do links to the best bits of this series.
I'm at the edit and, unfortunately, the editor has kicked me out and I'm just wondering, is there any way we can get a different editor? They won't let me film in there.
Or have you got suggestions for somewhere else we can film which is exciting? We could go downstairs and film some links in the tape room.
The tape room? We're going to the tape room! It's really exciting down there.
I've just got one more question.
Is this air con and a heater? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Whilst we go down to the tape room, here's a link right now to the best You just say, "Here's some more best bits.
" Here's some more best bits.
Word.
VOICEOVER: The Circle.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
Welcome to my new show.
The Circle.
VOICEOVER: 'The Circle.
' Which is nothing like The Cube cos it's, in actual fact, a circle.
'The Circle.
' The rules for the circle are 'The Circle.
' The rules for the circle are 'The Circle.
' All you've got to do is stay within the circle.
'The Circle.
' (LAUGHTER) First up to play The Circle 'The Circle.
' (LAUGHTER) First up to enter my circle 'The Circ' Oh, fucking shut up! 'I'm just trying to do my job.
' (LAUGHTER) First to enter the Circle is Ed Sheeran.
(CHEERING) Careful.
Careful.
It's a bit slippy.
Don't want to fall.
Straight into the circle.
No fear at all.
OK.
All you've got to do to win a point for your team is just stay in the circle.
Pretty easy.
Confident? (LAUGHS) No, it's easy, man.
It's easy.
Yep, yep.
I'm gonna get in the circle with you.
All right.
# JAMES BLUNT: Beautiful (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Did you enjoy that? (LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE) (INDISTINCT SPEECH) He's broke my jewellery! There used to be a Frenchman who used to go into the woods and he used to do Chanson d'Oiseau and he used to listen to them singing and then annotate it as they sang.
Isn't that remarkable? Are you a real person? (LAUGHTER) Are you a real person, for real? Yes.
When you get home and you're tired (GRUFF) "Should have fucking stayed in character.
" (LAUGHTER) I love you.
I'm rather bewitched, too, you know.
I love men on a coppery spectrum.
(LAUGHTER) Now, the tape room, for any of you that haven't been to a tape room, it's a little bit like Indiana Jones.
It's just a massive vault of tapes.
I think it's down here.
Here it is.
It's a It It's, erm It's a bit shit, isn't it? Nothing here, really.
What's weird is I can't see any Celebrity Juice.
So, erm, what I will do now, working on my feet, I'm gonna phone Gino.
Let's get Gino involved in this, the best bits of series 18.
(FACETIME RINGING) Hey, buddy.
How you doing? Gino D'Acampo, you Italian bastard! How's it going? Very good.
Very good.
It's great.
I'm in Sardinia right now.
Are you sure you're not in your dressing room? I'm not in my dressing room.
No.
I'm in a room in my house on the island of Sardinia.
Why? You look like you're in your dressing room doing another show other than Celebrity Juice.
No, no.
I'm at home.
I'm relaxing.
Nice and comfortable and ready to go out for dinner.
How you doing? Everybody all right there? I'm at work Gino.
I'm doing the compilation show.
Celebrity Juice Best Bits.
Cos that's what I do.
That's what I'm doing.
Whilst you're there relaxing, I'm here working.
I'm not relaxing.
I'm working here, as well.
I'm doing recipes for new books, new restaurants and new shows.
You know that I'm busy, come on.
Don't start to go on and on that I'm never there.
Stop plugging your shit.
I need to know what your best bits were of series 18.
When you were there, cos you were hardly ever there.
My favourite bit.
Joey Essex.
When he went down to the spooky thing for, er You know, the scary thing.
That was my favourite thing ever.
I really, really laughed my socks off.
Oh, I remember.
Cos that's the week you decided to turn up.
Anyway, say hello to your Mrs.
All t'best.
Bye! VOICEOVER: 'Joey Essex: The Zombie Hunter.
Ream.
' KEITH: Go in.
(EVIL CACKLING) Go in! See it? Can you see it? The syringe.
Why wouldn't you walk around? Why go underneath? (LAUGHTER) You're looking for a big syringe.
Get the syringe and get out.
There it is! There it is.
Up on the bin.
On top of the bin! (LAUGHTER) It's on the bin! (LAUGHTER) Where? (GROANING) (CRIES OUT) I dropped it! (SHRIEKING) (SCREAMS) (GROWLING) Fuck off.
Fuck this.
Fuck off.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Oh, my Jesus! Allow it? Allow it.
Allow it.
Allow it.
Oh, Jesus.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no, no, no, no, bruv.
I ain't going in there, mate.
Get the next syringe! Has anyone got a torch? (LAUGHTER) Has anyone got a torch? I can't see.
Get in, get in! Fucking hell.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
(GROWLING) Oh, shit! Get in quick! Oh, he's already in! Be quiet! (JOEY WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (SOBBING) Allow it, allow it.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) (PANTING) (GROWLING) (CHORTLES) Look, mate, I can't help ya.
I can't help ya.
Have you got the syringe? I can't help ya.
I can't help ya.
"I can't help ya!" I've got (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERING) Put the syringe in this mouth! (SCREAMING) Put it in his mouth! (ALL GROWLING) I've run out.
I've run out.
Come back.
(SHRIEKING) (GROWLING) Shit! (SCREAMS) Do you know John, the editor downstairs? Oh, yeah.
John.
Right little bitch, isn't he? He can be.
He kicked me out of the room.
Was he in Right Said Fred? Was he in Right Said Fred? He was one of them, wasn't he? I think he was.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
We're in the sound edits.
(PHONE RINGING) Oops.
Hold on a second.
We're just doing a link for Celebrity Juice Best Bits Series 18.
I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah? OK.
So this is where we make the sound sound juicy, basically.
We're trying to fix Fearne's voice.
Cos at the moment it sounds a bit deep.
Sounds a bit geezer.
Let's have a listen.
.
.
put a picture up online of you wearing that.
(DEEP VOICE) Of course.
(CACKLES) (DEEP VOICE) Waving a tampon in the air.
(CACKLES) Aw, we're just messing about.
That's not really her voice, we're just making it sound like a geezer.
OK.
Here's some more best bits.
That was good, that.
Did you try to show me your willy? Fucking dirty boy.
(LAUGHS) VOICEOVER: 'Gino's Autumn Fisting Game.
Fantastico.
' (APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Thank you.
(CHANTING) Gino! Gino! Thank you.
(CHANTING) Hello.
I'm Gino D'Acampo.
And everybody knows Gino You're looking at the wrong camera.
(LAUGHTER) Which one? Camera three.
You know the one with the massive fuck off red light on it? (LAUGHTER) There is no need for that.
We can cut this off.
I do it again.
HOLLY: Cut this off.
(LAUGHTER) Cut it off.
Camera three, the light is not on! That's it.
All right.
My next (CACKLES) (LAUGHTER) We should never have told you about the red light.
It's like a kitten with a torch.
There's fucking red lights everywhere! I see red lights everywhere.
Look, two.
There's three.
Which one? Make your mind up.
Which one is it? That one.
That one is also (LAUGHTER) So, my next guest Oh, you fucking So my next guest My next My next guest is I've been waiting all evening for this.
Fred.
Come here.
(CHEERING) (JINGLE PLAYS) (CHEERING) You come here.
Welcome to my show.
Gino's Autumn Fisting.
Sit on my face.
Slowly Slow.
(LAUGHTER) There's no need for that.
Do your sleeves up.
Just saying.
Do your sleeves up.
It's good of you to wear a tablecloth as a shirt.
(LAUGHTER) It may blind you.
There you go.
(GODFATHER THEME PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) Sit there.
Gino, I'm not going to have to fist.
To fist a No? No, you stay there.
Don't move.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oh! (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Oh! OK.
Now the item is prepared, please, Fred, make your fist.
Go on.
So, ready? We're going to start by (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) So Rub it in.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) What's that smell? OK.
Just in case you didn't get it.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) It's not nice.
Your time is up.
(KLAXON) (LAUGHS) End of the show and the end of the score is Fist-ing! At the end of the score? What? The scores at the end of that round.
The scores Not the show at the end of the score.
The score at the end of the round.
The score I can do it.
I can do it.
(LAUGHTER) And the score at the end of that round is Fist-ing! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now I'm gonna go for a poo, I'll see you in two.
KEITH: 'Coming up after t'break.
' You're gonna have to speak in dog.
You know how to do that, don't you? (LAUGHTER) (BARKS) WOMAN: Keith? Where's he gone? (MOANING SOUNDS) Shall we try in here? (MOANING CONTINUES) I like these but I think I prefer rhubarb and custard.
These are Hi.
I'm just looking for some more unseen bits.
For, erm It's not going off.
It's going up! The volume's going up! (WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Here's some more best bits.
It won't turn down! (LOUD MOANING) As well as X-Factor, the biggest news that we've got about you is that you've done a voiceover for a Christmas TV show for dogs, about dogs.
Yeah.
It's made for dogs to watch.
That's true, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's new, isn't it? Different.
It's a gig.
When you said that, I did the dog thing.
I went "Huh?" (LAUGHTER) I can't believe I did that.
What's it called, Louis? I forget.
Woofter or something.
Woofter.
It's a Woof's Life or something.
It's something like that.
I'll tell you what it's called.
It's called Merry Woofmas.
OK.
(LAUGHTER) We've got a clip.
Let's have a look at this.
LOUIS: 'It's Christmas morning, and sitting at home, Holly the doggie is after a bone.
' (LAUGHTER) 'In the Christmas stocking there's many a treat, but a big juicy bone is all she wants to eat.
That's a big bone.
' (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I'll tell you what, why don't you give a message? We have a big fan base that are dogs.
Yeah, yeah.
Send a message down camera five.
They love it.
Sell it to the dogs at home.
Camera five, down there.
This is a very short movie.
It's for Christmas and it's for They aren't going to understand.
You have to speak in dog.
(LAUGHTER) You know how to do that, don't you? (INHALES) (SILENCE) (LAUGHTER) Woof, woof, woof.
That's hello.
(BARKS) (LAUGHTER) You're sacked.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH) VOICEOVER: 'The Yes No Yes No Game! Yes? No! Yes!' # DAWN PENN: You Don't Love Me Welcome to the Yes No Yes No Game.
This game is simple.
I'm going to ask our panellists a Yes/No question.
They simply have to answer correctly with the opposite action.
So, for example, if someone says to me, "Are you the host of Celebrity Juice?" I would say yes.
HOLLY: Ah.
First up is Brian Conley.
Oh, here we go.
(CHEERING) We need points! I know, I know.
I'll be rubbish at this.
It's difficult.
It's like the whole This business.
Can we have a lighting change just to make it a bit more dramatic? Oh! AUDIENCE: Ooh! FEARNE: Now we're talking.
Now it's tense.
Better, isn't it? Yeah, it's scary.
(LAUGHTER) You think that's better? Yeah, much better.
(BUZZER) We're playing it now.
Ooh! (LAUGHTER) Brilliant.
(LAUGHS) Are you ready? Oh, gawd! Are you ready? Yes! Yay! Do you like the word "yes"? Yes.
Do you like the word "no"? Oh, gawd.
Yes! (LAUGHTER) Would you like to kiss me? Oh, gawd.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) How many more? Yes No.
(LAUGHTER) You said yes.
I know.
I can't do it.
Is this a giraffe? Yes.
Is that right? Yes.
Is it an elephant? Ye No! (BUZZER) Did you have sex with this dolphin? Are you gonna show a picture? Oh, gawd.
"I don't know.
Let me see the dolphin first.
' (LAUGHTER) Did you have sex with that dolphin? Yes.
No! (BUZZER) (KLAXON) Oh, gawd.
(CHEERING) Brian Conley, everyone! (CHEERING) VOICEOVER: 'The Incredible Hulk's Asshole.
' (CHEERING) OK.
I'm going to transport your heads onto a different person's body.
Now (MAKES MAGIC SOUND) (LAUGHTER) Are we a body part? Yes.
Is it someone's bollocks? Yeah! Am I a knob end? We're a pair of ball bags, Nadia.
No, no.
Fearne is right.
It's a screenshot that will haunt us forever.
Are we Louis Walsh's ballbag? No.
You're right.
Are we Ed Sheeran's ballbag? No.
Are we Chris Kamara's ballbag? No.
Are we Simon Cowell's ballbag? Yeah! (APPLAUSE) I'm going to transport your head onto another celebrity body.
Now (MAKES MAGIC SOUND) (LAUGHTER) NADIA: Really bad.
Really, really bad.
Chris.
Chris.
Mate Is this going to make it on TV? Mate, I'll be honest with you, there's a large portion of this picture that won't make it on TV.
(LAUGHTER) Ed, just look down a second.
Look down.
Yeah, that's better.
(LAUGHTER) Am I putting my penis in somebody's mouth? Hey! (APPLAUSE) Am I me getting a fucking chewy from James Blunt? Yes! (APPLAUSE) Hi.
So I'm back in the edit, here with John.
Who has decided to take the stick out of his asshole and let me back.
We're having a laugh, aren't we? Because what we're doing now is we're cutting the montage for the final part of the show.
How long's it going to take? Normally about three days.
Is it fuck.
We've already done it.
That's what I'm linking to.
So if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you next year.
Are we gonna kiss? Hm.
We're not there yet.
We're not there yet.
I wouldn't kiss you anyway.
All t'best though.
Cheers.
Enjoy.
Hello! Welcome to Celebrity Juice Series 18! (CHEERING) # INXS: New Sensation (SONG CONTINUES) (GASPING) (LAUGHTER) Do I look like a fucking Gino to you? (LAUGHTER) (HOWLS) (GIGGLING) What does Marvin's penis look like? (BEEPING) A dream.
(LAUGHTER) # LUIS FONSI: Despacito Oh! (SONG CONTINUES) Let me out! FEARNE: That's quite a lot.
Ooh.
It's a memoire of my career and a collection of stories, really.
There's some philosophy, in here, of service.
The restaurant industry is a great blueprint for customer service.
(YAWNS) (LAUGHTER) # LITTLE MIX: Power (CRIES IN PAIN) Have you ever fisted before? No, I have never fisted anything.
Well, enjoy, darling.
You're about to.
(LAUGHTER) (SCREAMS) I just want to know if you're into anal sex.
Aw, shitbags.
(SCREAMS) No! Things you would say to a dead spider.
Oh, I'm sorry you're dead.
Aw, what about your mum? Better luck next time.
# LITTLE MIX: Power Bullshit! (FARTING SOUND) (CRIES OUT) (GROWLS) (CRIES OUT) (CHEERING) Eiffel Tower is a piece of shit.
(LAUGHTER) (MUFFLED SPEECH) Break.
(BLEEP)