Celebrity Juice (2008) s19e09 Episode Script

Shirley Ballas, Big Narstie, Will Mellor, Johnny Vegas

1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" But don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
Look, there's Holly Willoughby firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence Whew.
Made it to the studio just in time for the best-selling show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were, though.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! How do? I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
It's Holly Willoughbooby! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly, who's on your team? On my team tonight, let the chaos descend.
It's the one and only Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my left is the Queen of the ballroom.
It's Shirley Ballas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team? On my left, who's that twat? It's Will Mellor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my right, he's nasty by name and nasty by nature.
It's Big Narstie! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Narstie! I think we need to get this out in the open slightly right from the get-go.
Shirley's never seen Celebrity Juice.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
Are you happy to be here? I think so.
I'll give you some guidelines to Juice.
Someone might say fuck.
(LAUGHTER) So, you replaced Len Goodman on Strictly.
How was that, coming into that world? It was an interesting world to come into, but I was very happy to fill those shoes.
You're the head judge.
What's that responsibility like? You get responsible for eliminating somebody if there's a tie.
Do you have guilt? Do you feel guilty? No.
(LAUGHTER) Are you allowed to give anyone community service? (LAUGHTER) What's the point of being a judge if you can't give them community service? It's Strictly.
Don't have community service on Strictly.
I'm not saying they have to serve hard time.
I'm just saying go and pick some litter up, you lazy fucking celeb.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I'm not going to stand in front of you, and you judge me for being a bad person.
Who neglects the people closest to him so I can cha-cha-cha.
Just for you to tell me I've got a fat arse, and my ankles are ropey.
You don't get to tell me what to do throughout this show.
I've worked hard, I've worked my way up, and life's going good for me, and you know what You know what? Shut the fuck up.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We give that a ten.
(LAUGHTER) Shirley, could you give us an exclusive? Is there anyone already signed up to the next series? I have absolutely no idea.
I've heard it's Will Mellor.
ALL: Whoo! I bet you could dance as well.
We know you can.
We've showed it many times, him singing and dancing.
(LAUGHTER) Hang on - Shirley just said, "Can he sing and dance?" I think we should let her be the judge.
OK, run VT, that's video clip.
(CHEERING) Don't do this! Here he goes, here he goes! (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Shall we get the official sort of judgement on that? You were definitely coordinated, and you have some rhythm.
Thank you.
You'd be very good on Strictly.
It's Big Narstie, everyone! (CHEERING) First of all, got to ask why you're called Big Narstie, because any time I've met you you're very nice.
It's an acronym.
Of? Natural artistic respected sexy talented independent and educated.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What's your album called? My album is called BDL Bipolar.
BDL Bipolar.
Are you on it? I am on it, I am.
He did the interlude to my album.
No.
He was so pumped up, I phoned him and was like, "Lemon man, I need you to bus me if you love me, innit? Boom, yeah.
I beg you bus my interlude for me.
" He's like, "Sorry?" I said, "Pardon?" (LAUGHTER) It's available for pre-order right now.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Single out now.
The single out now.
There it is.
It's called Woah! What's the message? Um (LAUGHTER) It's a bit of like good old-fashioned ASBO England.
Know what I mean, man? (LAUGHTER) Are the young people going to play it, and make me afraid of leaving my house? You make the young kids afraid of leaving their house.
(APPLAUSE) It's Will Mellor.
(CHEERING) You've just finished a new series of No Offence.
Yeah.
How has that gone? Great.
I was in Manchester for five months filming that.
It comes out in September.
For anyone who's not seen No Offence, what happens? It's a very hard-hitting cop drama.
Just cut that bit out.
We've got a plug.
(LAUGHTER) We tried to get a picture of you in it, but it's so unfinished.
I think they're still cutting it together, and we couldn't get a picture.
So here's a picture of you next to a fence.
Let's have a look.
There you are.
(LAUGHTER) Yes! (LAUGHTER) So, on No Offence there was a bit of a hoo-hah, wasn't there? What do you mean? I think there was a mysterious phantom pooer.
What happened was, on No Offence we have fake toilets, which are set toilets.
There's no water, it doesn't flush, doesn't go anywhere.
Oh no.
And somebody done a poo in one of the toilets.
No! They still didn't know who's done it.
They think you've done it.
They've asked us to interrogate you.
It's not me.
You did, though, didn't you? No, I didn't! You paused for a little bit there.
I didn't do it.
Do you mind if I record this? (LAUGHTER) You could use a phone.
Like they do on police interrogations.
When was the last time you've been nicked? I've never been nicked.
I'm good.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to ask you one more time - Will Mellor, did you do a phantom poo in a fake toilet they had to scoop out with their hands? It did not flush, it wasn't real Did you do it? No.
I'm going to ask you again.
I'll be the good cop here.
I will bring in the bad cop.
I will.
Did you do it? Did you do it? No, I didn't do it.
Right, the bad cop's coming in.
(CHEERING) (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) It's OK, I got it from here.
(LAUGHTER) He stabbed my neck! What did you leave in that shitter? (LAUGHTER) I don't want to walk the 20 yards like every other schmuck has to do.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to take a shit in a pretend toilet! People like you make me sick.
I tell you, there's a place between Heaven and Hell, and that's where you're going to live buddy, the rest of your life.
Evidence.
(GROANING) Don't open it! (GROANS OF DISMAY) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do you know what we do when we have a bad doggy at home? (LAUGHTER) Mr Mellor, do you recognise this? Do you recognise this? Do you recognise this? Why don't you take a big sniff? (LAUGHTER) I didn't do it.
Can you explain this, then? (LAUGHTER) "I Am The Phantom Pooer" by Will Mellor.
Foreword by Gillian McKeith.
All right, it's was me! (CHEERING) Mr Mellor, could you sign this, please? (LAUGHTER) Give me a minute.
I'll treasure it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The big news in your world right now is you've just opened a brand-new toilet and shower block at a campsite in Cumbria.
Yeah.
Here's a picture.
We've just had a new toilet built here at the studio.
Would you open it for us? All right.
Tell you what, let's turn it into a game, so let's play There you go.
A game in homage to your good doings.
Opening toilets, so we've got a new toilet.
All I want you to do is go to the toilet, cut the ribbon within an allotted time.
Easy.
How much time? An allotted time.
(LAUGHTER) Allotted meansnothingtome.
You've got a minute, then.
(LAUGHTER) Why is it an allotted minute? Why can't - It might not be a minute.
It might be longer if it's good, but if it's not that good we'll cut it down.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? No - Are you ready?! You'll go on the klaxon.
No, I won't! (KLAXON) (CHEERING) There he is.
He's been given instructions as to where the toilet is.
He's got an allotted time.
Can he make it back before that allotted time is up? Look at the big 'un! Where is it? He's found it.
There's the Lord Mayor of Borehamwood.
Thank you.
There are many people caught short, but not tonight (CHEERING) What's up, Johnny? Will Mellor What did you eat? Like another human being! Thanks.
Quick, before your time's up.
(APPLAUSE) Like the wind.
(ALL CHANT "JOHNNY!") (APPLAUSE) Yes! Johnny Vegas, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Narstie, one of your main musical inspirations has been on this show.
It's none other than Sir Richard Blackwood, yeah? He was in EastEnders now? Yeah, Rickie B.
You used to love his raps.
Yeah.
So last time he was on, we played a game called What's Rappening? Do you want to play it? Let's do this.
Let's do this! You got me.
Big up your jests, you motherfucker! Rap, rap, rap, hear me now, hear me now Here I am in one of them sickest nightclub.
It's the fucking sickest nightclub of the 8km road, you got me.
We got some special grime artists coming through, fucking brand-new.
They got some special gifts.
What they got to do is rap about a fucking word, yeah? Get me, G? Then their panellists have got to guess what that word is.
They can't say that fucking word, though.
First up is Rotten Cotton, you get me! (CHEERING) Rapper, can we drop a dirty beat, boy? Oh yeah! You can put it in a socket, and it fits in your pocket, it gives you electricity, so don't knock it It's a plug.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (ALL SHOUT EXCITEDLY) Next up is the UK grime sensation.
It's Big Narstie! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Check one, two Can we get a beat? Put your hands in the sky.
Wave from side to aside.
We're going to rock this house.
When clothes cut round your vagina little bit close inside you Looking like a cheeseburger in your knickers .
.
an animal with humps.
A cameltoe! Next up is MC Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Drop a beat.
Walking down the street, and you look right through me thinking you might know, no, you don't know me! Look at me, I love chuffage I like cereal and my roughage All-Bran.
You use me you go right through me.
Cereal, motherfucker! (LAUGHTER) Roughage Bran flakes.
Fuck, is this granola - (LAUGHTER) Muesli.
(CHEERING) It's Will Mellor.
OK.
Ready? Yeah.
Ask for a beat, then.
Can you drop me a beat? Yo See, come listen You got it in your car in your windscreen down below, you better get one, call the 5-0 Gonna get arrested if you ain't got one A phone, a phone.
You're not listening.
A little thing in the corner of your windscreen.
It's in the corner, not at the top.
In the corner.
Satnav.
Right down below, better call the 5-0 if you ain't got no Indicator.
What?! Road tax.
Yes! Fuck you, Mr Taxman.
Fuck the police.
Fuck the police.
Fuck the police.
Fuck the taxman.
Go fuck yourself.
They're just kidding.
(LAUGHTER) And the scores at the end of that round are We're going to an ad break.
We'll see you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Now, Holly, HollyI've got some terrible news.
You know the Box Game Sponsored by Boxes? Yeah.
Well, they've pulled their sponsorship.
No way.
So, I think I do have a provisional sponsor.
We still can play the Box Game, but it's sponsored by someone else.
Do you want to play it? Yes, please.
Let's play it! # ROD STEWART - Handbags and Gladrags Here I am outside Elstree TV Studios to play the Box Game Now Sponsored by Handbags.
You can see our panellists have got handbags on their head.
Over here we do have the Vice-President of Handbags.
Everything's kosher.
These are not fake bags, these are real bags.
Let me tell you about the course.
What you've got to do is chicane through the mannequins who are modelling the trend in handbags.
Then you go via the gauntlet of handbags which will be swung at you with vigour, through the shop displays, pass Karl the elf who is inside a large handbag.
Then you will go into the studio, up the ramp, and the first full team back will win a point for your team.
It's that easy.
OK, here we go.
You'll go when I press my horn.
Are you ready? Here we go.
Off they go, off they go.
Oh, they're all over the place.
Shirley's well in front.
She is well in front.
Big Narstie has taken second.
Shirley is going around the gauntlet.
Here they come.
Will Mellor is being battered by the handbags.
Holly's coming through Shirley! Look at poor Shirley! (CHEERING) Oh, there is anger.
This is definitely more ferocious than the Box Game.
Will Mellor's going in the wrong direction, but we'll help him.
This way, this way.
Go straight forward, go straight forward.
(CHEERING) Look at Karl the elf.
He's well vexed.
He's giving Johnny Vegas what for.
Big Narstie's retired.
Fuck off! Fucking bastard! Holly and Shirley.
All they need is Vegas.
Holly and Shirley.
Vegas is living dreams right now.
Oh, he's rolling about on top of Fearne.
He's loving it.
(KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Impossible! So, the official adjudicator is now speaking to me.
Going to tell me who the winning team is.
Why don't you just fucking waterboard us?! (LAUGHTER) Two passed.
Holly and Shirley.
So the point goes to Holly's team.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Fearne, remember last week when we played UK and Eire's Got Secret Skills? That was a great game.
It went really well.
So well that ITV7 want to do the sister show to that is called UK and Eire's Got More Secret Skills.
Do you want to play that, Big Narstie? No.
(LAUGHTER) Shirley, do you want to play it? Hello.
I'm Keith Lemon.
I'm your host for UK and Eire's Got More Secret Skills! Boom! First to perform is Will Mellor! How are you feeling? A bit nervous.
Never done this before.
You don't actually know what your secret skill is, do you? No.
Let's see what it is.
Just give me the thumb when you want the music.
(CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Music, please, music.
Your dad's here to give you support.
(LAUGHTER) This is Will, dancing around the world.
(RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYS) (CHEERING) (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS) (EVERYONE CLAPS ALONG) (JIG PLAYS) # REDNEX: Cotton Eye Joe # Where did you come from, where did you go # Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe? # If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe, I'd have been married long time ago Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe? Let's find out what our adjudicators said.
Does he have more secret skills? Will Mellor has secret skills! Hug your dad, hug your dad.
I can't believe it.
Next up it's Big Narstie! Ready? Excited? Let's do it.
Can't wait.
Get on the stage.
Read it out.
He doesn't know what his secret skill is yet.
Read it out.
Read it out.
Oh, shit.
Bread ventriloquist.
The bread is your puppet.
Do your magic.
(LAUGHTER) There's the eyes.
It looks like a prisoner's girlfriend.
(LAUGHTER) Holy shit.
Oh, fisting! OK, hi, I'm a ventriloquist.
This is Mr Bread.
(LAUGHTER) Hi, Bread.
How was your day? OK.
(LAUGHTER) If there was any girl in this audience, yeah, who you would love to show your crust to, yeah (LAUGHTER) .
.
who would you show your crust to? Hm I've had my eye on some brown bread.
(LAUGHTER) But rumour has it, her lunch box is full of sourdough.
(LAUGHTER) Big Narstie! Some secret skills tonight.
What's our adjudicator saying? He has got secret skills.
Big Narstie, everyone.
Next up, it's none other than Shirley Ballas! What do you think to the X Factor? Oh, I like the X Factor.
She likes the X Factor.
Is it better than Strictly? No.
No, it's not.
Shirley Ballas! Come on, come on.
Shirley Ballas.
Here we go.
Please welcome my dog.
(CHEERING) Want the music? Yeah, we'll have the music.
# Abra-abra-cadabra Come on, come on.
(AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG) # You make me hot, you make me sigh Whoo! # You keep me burning for your love With the touch of a velvet glove (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) What's your dog called? Charlie.
Charlie, are you well? Woof.
(LAUGHTER) You remembered your line.
Fantastic.
The adjudicators are saying you do have a secret skill, and you do deserve the Golden Shower! Double points.
(CHEERING) Let's find out if he's got more Secret Skills.
It's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING) (ALL CHANT) I've been a big fan of you since I was 11, so I'm really interested to see what secret skills Have you got any secret skills you can tell us about before you perform the one you don't know what you're performing? Yeah, I have.
Run out of time, sorry.
(LAUGHTER) OK, Johnny! Read off the screen, read off the screen.
(GROANING) The choice is mine.
What's he going to do? (SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT) No! (ALL CHANT HIS NAME) Has Johnny Vegas got more secret skills? I'm going for both! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CRIES OF DISMAY) (AUDIENCE CHANT HIS NAME) Johnny Vegas! He is a superhero.
Johnny, I don't care what the adjudicators say.
You one hundred per cent do have more secret skills.
In fact, here comes the Golden Shower, double points! I saved that for the main.
(CHEERING) The scores at the end of that round are See you in a minute.
A point for Big Narstie if he can look into the camera without looking stunned.
(LAUGHTER) I don't know what you're talking about, Mr Officer.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Are you having a good time? Yeah! Are you having a good time? Yes.
Are you having a good time? Will, congratulations are in order.
Because last year you were awarded the Outstanding Achievement Award at the British Soap Awards.
Yes! (ALL APPLAUD) What was that like, then? I wasn't awarded the award.
What's that picture, then? I was presenting the award to Nick Pickard from Hollyoaks.
Oh, sorry.
You've won a TV Choice award, though, haven't you? No, no.
AUDIENCE: Aw! What about Inside Soap award? Have you got one of those? I haven't, no.
Have you never won an award? No, I've never won an award, no.
ALL: Aw! Don't worry.
Tonight we've just created a new award for people that have never won an award.
Tonight you've won the award for never winning an award award! (FANFARE) Well done.
At last, yes! Credit where credit due.
(LAUGHTER) That's why you don't get awards.
Our final round.
It is the Buzzer Round.
(CHEERING) Holly, what's your buzzer this week? JOHNNY: Look at that crab trying to bust a(INDISTINCT).
It's never going to happen! It's one of Johnny's catchphrases.
What's your buzzer this week? NARSTIE: I'm fucking smoking, Lemon! (LAUGHTER) BIG NARSTIE: Who are the fucking G? Fearne, man, you're the fucking man, G.
(LAUGHTER) OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer be a chancer, have a guess.
Who's Big Narstie with here? You're my motherfucking man, G! Was I with you, Lemon, then? Me? Let's have a look.
No, it's your identical twin.
(LAUGHTER) How do you forget a picture with a big fucking thing like that? How did you forget it, though? He's a prick.
(LAUGHTER) Who's this twat? .
.
fucking G! Fearne's team.
Wild guess, I'm going to say the Mellor man.
Let's have a look.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I thought that were Photoshopped! (LAUGHTER) Point for Holly if she can look into the camera for ten seconds without looking shitfaced.
Camera one.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) That's how I always look.
A point for Big Narstie if he can look into the camera without looking stoned.
(LAUGHTER) I don't know what you're talking about, Mr Officer.
(LAUGHTER) I'm totally fine.
Yes! Point for the first team who can lay horizontal across their desk.
Go, go.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you the winning team is ALL: Ooh! It's the first time you've ever been on the show.
That's right, tonight's winning team isHolly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you for a wink.
# BIG NARSTIE: Woah # .
.
never been a victim, man dem are snitchin' # Man dem are switchin', man dem are itchin' # Pull up slow # Black Jesus and Black God, man screams like Black wrath # I've been on sick ting, big ting, never been a victim # Man dem are snitchin', man dem are switchin', man dem are itchin' # Pull up slow # Black Jesus and Black God, man screams like Black wrath # Man like ledge, make man take the pledge # Push man off the ledge, spray man down like Pledge # Activate my street, bust my fucking ass # Woah, woah, woah Woah, woah, woah, woah