Celebrity Juice (2008) s19e10 Episode Script

Mark Wright, Lisa Stansfield, Caroline Flack, Iain Stirling, Joel Dommett

'Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out me sweet-arsed titles.
You probably think, "What the fuck is going on?" It's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
There's Holly Willo-boozy firing space lasers from her tits.
There's Fearne Cotton on a cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing doughballs.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio just in time for the best show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
' (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
The weekend starts now! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willo-boozy! Hi! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly, who's on your team? Well, on my right, it's gonna be a long, hot summer, it's Iain Sterling and Caroline Flack! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my left, she's been around the world but she's here tonight.
Lisa Stansfield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain, Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, all the way from the Hollywood Hills, it's Mark Wright! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, the very funny, the very lovely Joel Dommett! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey! His bum's ever so tight, it's Mark Wright! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It has been time! It has been time.
And how times have changed! Are you gonna be nice for once? I'm always nice! Cool.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Wow! You fucked America in its fucking face hole, didn't you? (LAUGHTER) The show you do is called Extra.
Yep.
We've got a picture of you in action in LA.
There you are, owning it.
What happens? Erm, it's a showbiz news show, so we interview celebrities about movies Cos I've heard of E! News.
E! News is shit compared to Extra.
Yeah, boy! Pfft! E! News.
You fucking silly (BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER) There you are when you met Tom Cruise.
Ooh! What's Tom Cruise like? Tom Cruise is nice.
He's a really nice guy.
Did he go like this all the time, "Whoo! Whoo!" "Whoo!" (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) "Whoo!" (LAUGHTER) So, how is it with lovely Michelle Keegan? She's gone over, hasn't she? We're back and forward all the time.
But when she's working, you FaceTime a lot.
I've heard her say that.
Yeah, we do FaceTime.
Because we're pals, what I've done is I've got you a gift.
It's for you and Michelle, actually.
So when you're FaceTiming, you can feel a bit closer.
Oh, God.
Here it is.
So, you hold it like this, yeah? And you FaceTime.
But what's great about it is it has a minge there.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Is that an actual thing? (APPLAUSE) There it is.
Let's just pretend Oh, my God.
That's Michelle there.
That's Michelle.
"Hiya! Shall we have some FaceTime sex?" And you just kinda do that.
(LAUGHTER) You're shagging her head.
You've got different settings.
Ohh! If you (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! I need that ASAP.
When you're missing her.
Have it.
Perfect.
I want it.
It's for you.
It's a gift.
Thank you.
It's so sweet.
Put your finger in there.
It's a very wobbly vagina.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER) Fearne just fingered my wife.
(LAUGHTER) It was great.
(APPLAUSE) Thanks for that.
I love that.
(APPLAUSE) # I've been around the world and I, I, I can't find my baby Lisa Stansfield! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was joke Lisa Stansfield in the hizoose.
I've got some stats on you here.
In the last 30 years, you've sold 20 million records worldwide.
20 million records worldwide.
(APPLAUSE) And he bought them all.
You've been nominated for two Grammys, won a Brit Award, and finally here at Celebrity Juice.
The pinnacle.
It is, isn't it? It's exciting, isn't it? Have you got a new album to plug? I have and it's called Deeper.
It's out right now.
Here it is.
And I've gotta ask you, every time someone's got a new album, what's the message? The message is just to have a really good time.
No, that's a description.
What's the message? (LAUGHTER) If you really listen to it properly, for you especially, it makes you do a massive poo.
Does it? Yeah.
It does something to your head.
But a solid one, like a draught excluder? Very solid.
We were just talking about poo, weren't we? Yeah.
You need a poo, don't you? Fucking desperate.
(LAUGHTER) Lisa, when we have someone on quite famous, as you are, we try and take their name or summat they've done or the reason they're famous and turn it into a game.
Right.
So you famously did a song called I've Been Around The World.
Mm.
So let's play # Bin Around The World And I, I, I, I Could Win Some Points.
Hello, welcome to Bin Around The World.
As you can see, we've got singing sensation Lisa Stansfield in a bin.
It is series 19 and sometimes it's problematic thinking of ideas.
We've got Iain here.
In this game, what you've got to do, Iain, is push Lisa round the audience and back here in the space of the chorus of All Around The World.
If you can do it before the chorus has ended, you get a point.
It's that easy.
Are you ready? Yeah! OK, you'll go on the klaxon.
Plenty of support, audience.
(KLAXON) There it is! Go! # Been around the world and I, I, I # I can't find my baby # I don't know when, I don't know why # Why he's gone away # And I don't know where he can be # My baby (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I can't hear.
Did they do it in time? They did it in time! Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ahh! I'm gonna give you a chance to get double points.
Right.
Do you want double points? Go on.
Yeah! If you get Caroline Flack in here and do it in the same time Flack! No! Come on, Flack! Point for your team! Come on! What, together? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You're living the dream! In a bin with Lisa Stansfield! What, together? Together.
Two girls, one bin.
(LAUGHTER) Who the fuck is he? (LAUGHTER) I'll do it! (LAUGHTER) The bin's folding, Caroline.
Oh! Oh! Close your eyes! Watch your ham sandwich! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) Oh, shit.
Double points.
This is the stupidest idea.
Don't drop them.
(KLAXON) Go! # Been around the world and I, I, I # I can't find my baby # I don't know when, I don't know why # Why he's gone away # And I don't know where he can be # My baby # But I'm gonna find him # Ooh, ooh, ooh # Been around the world (KLAXON) He's done it! He's done it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Double points for Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You did it.
How do we get out of the fucking thing? And the scores at the end of that round are (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # Been around the world and I, I, I Could win some points.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, it's Iain Sterling and Caroline Flack! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Love Island won a BAFTA.
Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There you are.
The new series starts soon, doesn't it? Very soon.
So excited! Any exclusives? Er I'm in it.
You're in it.
I'm in it.
I watched it last year and you weren't even fucking in it.
I only watched it for you.
I'm based in the UK and do the spin-off show every Sunday live.
So I am in it.
You're on the beginning, though.
I open the show.
And you go, "Look at him, look at him, look at him, look at her, look at her, look at her.
Fuck!" (LAUGHTER) They do have sex, don't they? Sometimes they do.
Speaking of love, you're in love.
She's gone and got engaged! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! Loads of men are like, "Bastard! Bastard!" Tell us about it.
Tell us about it.
I met this guy.
Yes.
We fell in love.
Yes.
And then he asked me to marry him.
Was it a romantic situation? He bought the ring to propose when we were on holiday.
Did you know it was coming? No.
It happened very quickly in the middle of the night.
Iain, you're all loved up, aren't you? I am.
With a BAFTA.
We've got a picture of you with one of the fittest presenters on telly.
Here he is.
(LAUGHTER) If you look at that picture really closely, it looks like I'm pick-pocketing Joel.
(LAUGHTER) You're seeing Laura Whitmore.
I am.
You've been seeing her for a while.
Yeah.
And you wear matching clothes.
Aww, that's lovely.
I've heard that you've just lost your virginity to Laura, as well.
Do you know what? Have you tried the sex yet? Yeah, yeah, I've had loads of it.
I'm almost bored of it.
(LAUGHTER) So, how long do you cuddle for afterwards before you part? Do you wait till your willy's gone cold and wet and falls out or do you pull out? And go, "Love you"? Joel, what do you do? I, er I bet you turn internet on and start fucking wanking, don't you? (LAUGHTER) Absolutely.
(LAUGHS) To my own video.
(LAUGHTER) Joel, what's this video you speak of? (LAUGHTER) I was catfished.
Naughty lady.
A lady followed me on Twitter and she had 100,000 followers so I immediately trusted her.
(LAUGHTER) And we chatted and then she was like, "Do you wanna have Skype sex?" And I was like, "Yes, please.
" (LAUGHTER) I was wearing a beanie.
(LAUGHTER) I was wearing a beanie.
That's probably my biggest regret.
Like this? (LAUGHTER) Yeah.
And just in case you're in any doubt that it maybe wasn't me, there's a poster of me in the background that says my name on it.
(LAUGHTER) I think it's good that you're so open about it.
Fearne won't talk about it.
It's happened enough times.
We've got a picture.
I'm sure we have.
(LAUGHTER) There I am.
(LAUGHS) Joel, you're not gonna believe this.
What? Your video is currently the second most watched video ever in the UK on Pornhub Gay.
Wow! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I have got something for you to say congratulations.
Here it is.
(THIS IS YOUR LIFE MUSIC PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) Thank you! There you are.
(LAUGHS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Mark, when you're in America and you've got a bit of time off, do you go to Muscle Beach? I spend a lot of time in the gym.
Joel, you do a bit of working out.
A little bit.
Not as much as him.
Have you seen his abs? Mate! You're a beautiful man! Well, in homage of your abs and you two beefcakes, we've come up with a very exciting game called You could grate cheese on those abs, mother (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Welcome to You Could Grate Cheese On Those Abs, Motherfucker.
Basically, in this game, what's gonna happen is Mark Wright will come up here, take his top off, one for t'mums, he will be blinded, that's what Gino D'Acampo says when you're wearing a blindfold, then items will be rubbed on his abs and he will have to give me the ID of those items to win a point.
So, Mark Wright, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Glad to have you back, man.
Glad to be back.
So, erm, yeah, you're gonna have to take your top off and put this blindfold on.
Can I just lift it up? AUDIENCE: Take it off! What should he do? AUDIENCE: Off! Off! Off! (CHEERING) Oh, fuck.
Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, there's your mic.
You can talk.
I'll go with the first item.
He still looks handsome with massive eyes.
(LAUGHTER) You still Come on! I'm not breathing! I'm tensing! It's hurting! (LAUGHTER) Right, you ready? For everyone at home Oh, yeah, I like that.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Right, here it comes.
# SERGE GAINSBOURG AND JANE BIRKIN: Je T'aime (LAUGHTER) Ohh.
That is fucking dis Is that What is it? Just think of Michelle.
What if he gets a happy on? (LAUGHTER) Just go with it.
I'll rub it on you again.
Oh, it fucking stinks! (LAUGHTER) Parmesan cheese.
Ooh.
Right family.
Nearly.
You're in the right area.
(LAUGHTER) It rhymes with wetter.
Don't say Cheddar.
Feta! Yes! Feta cheese! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All over my Cartier belt.
(LAUGHS) "All over my fucking Cartier belt!" Here's another one.
AUDIENCE: Ohhh.
Are you ready? Oh, no.
Ohh.
(LAUGHTER) Ohh! Don't be turned on, man! (LAUGHTER) I ain't even joking, that feels fucking lovely.
(LAUGHTER) What An ice lolly? Yes! Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Mark Wright, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Good skills.
Next up, it's Joel Dommett! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There's your eyes.
There's your eyes.
Sell that on eBay.
Get your top off.
I'm so shy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) Get your eyes on.
There he is, with your big eyes.
Oh, it doesn't work for you, though.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? AUDIENCE: Ohhh! What? Oh, no! (LAUGHTER) Are you a vegetarian? Er, no.
Is it meat? Maybe start now.
Ohh! Ohh.
(LAUGHTER) Ohh.
Is that like, erm, is that like a steak or something? It's sort of steak lines but chopped up into really tiny little pieces.
Mince! Yes! Yes! Mince! Yes! Well done! Mince! Yes! Yeah, mince! Yeah, mince! (APPLAUSE) Aww, I just want a Solero like Mark.
Oh, no.
Oh, for fuck's sake! AUDIENCE: Ohhh! (LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Yeah.
Agh! Agh! Ohh.
(LAUGHTER) I'd go for sort of a one of them.
Yeah, get a bit kinkier with it.
Give him a little thwack.
Erm Agh! (LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Ohhh! That's it.
What is it? A fish? No, it's not a fish.
Like, a mop.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ahhh! Yes! Yes! (LAUGHS) Joel Dommett, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round are Shi-tiiing! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You could grate cheese on those abs, mother We're going to an ad break.
See you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 'Coming up after t'break' Enjoying themselves, Holly and Fearne connected by a banana.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joel Dommett and Mark Wright! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Iain, have you ever seen Flack waxing her crack? What? Don't tell them.
Never.
Have you ever seen Joel fingering his hole? Always.
Never.
You'll see a lot of those things as we go down Rhyming Street! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) In Rhyming Street, you'll see a celebrity that's doing something that rhymes.
It is a bidding war, so I'm gonna ask you how many you can get after you've seen this VT.
Run VT! It's gotta rhyme.
Hiya.
Hiya.
I love to have a bubble bath but sometimes the soap goes in my bum-bum.
(FARTING) I've got a roast in my arse, I have, I swear down.
Ooh, look at the arms on me, they're like fucking legs.
Well, I like to watch television in my favourite chair but you don't care.
Get this bee away from me! I don't like bee! I don't like the bee.
Mm, look at that golden delicious.
Take it down.
There's Pink.
I don't know, just Pink there.
It's Pink.
(BELCHING) Did my fanny just burp? Hey, we're at the soap party! Yeah, we're at the soap disco party! We love it.
Holly's team, how many do you think you got? Unbelievably, they're amazing.
I am really crap at this game but we're going for eight.
Eight? Yeah.
Fearne? Yeah, we can.
Let's go for it.
You absolute lunatics.
Are you going nine or going home? We're gonna go nine.
She's going nine! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The rules are simple.
You've gotta get all nine or the point will go to Holly's team.
Ricky Martin, farting.
Ricky Martin, farting.
Let's have a look.
Yes! Colin Firth giving birth.
Colin Firth giving birth.
Let's see.
(APPLAUSE) Martin Clunes watching cartoons.
Let's have a look.
Yes.
Pink selling a sink.
Let's have a look.
Yes, it is! Shakespeare having a beer.
Let's have a look.
Very good.
Mr Bean getting clean.
Let's have a look.
Morgan Freeman taking semen.
Morgan Freeman taking semen.
(LAUGHTER) Yes, there he is, he's taking it.
He's taking all the semen.
Judi Dench getting hench.
Yes.
One more.
Sia hugging a skier.
Is that your final answer? Mm-hm.
(LAUGHTER) Let's have a look.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Shi-tiiing! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, can you remember, I think it were last series, where we played a game that we got from South Korea called Totally Bananas? Yeah, banana in mouth, obstacle course.
It was totally bananas, wasn't it? Absolute bananas.
Well, you know what's happened? What's happened? It's gone more extreme.
How? Is that possible? It is, yes, and we do have the rights for it.
Do you wanna play it? I literally can't wait.
She can't wait! Let's play it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Which is Totally Bananas Extreme.
Let me tell you about the course, Caroline Flack and Iain Sterling.
You will go up the banana stairs, then underneath the banana hurdle, then over the banana hurdle.
Then you will go horizontal.
Then you will roll over the sea of bananas.
(ROCK MUSIC) Up the banana see-saw and then you will avoid the bastard banana who will try and throw bananas at you and try to put you off.
Then you will go down the banana corridor right there.
It gets thinner and thinner.
It isn't so easy.
Especially when you're connected by a banana and you mustn't break that banana.
Any questions? Are we using that banana? Yes.
That's really bent.
Yes, it's a banana.
(LAUGHTER) You're playing for a point for your team, but not only that, you'll go home with this trophy.
Oooh! Eh? Do you actually win that? Yes, you actually win that! I want it! Well, let's do this! Yes! There's your banana.
Get connected.
Hold it like you're holding summat special that you love.
(LAUGHTER) I'll move you over to the steps.
Are you ready? You'll go on the klaxon.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) There you go! Up the banana steps right now.
Very steady.
Very steady.
There you go.
Underneath.
Now over.
Now over.
Keep connected by the banana.
Now go horizontal.
Horizontal.
That's it.
Iain's a gentleman.
Iain's a gentleman, he's going on the floor.
Go, go! Roll.
Roll.
Roll.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) (PIG OINKS) Oh, fresh banana, fresh banana.
Stop biting it and sucking it and just hold it in your mouth! Oh, shit! I've lost my microphone! (LAUGHTER) It's that one! (APPLAUSE) Have they got to roll on that or stand? (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Watch the banana! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BELL RINGS) That was really weird.
Let me see what your time is.
What was their time? 17 fucking weeks.
(LAUGHTER) The time was a long time! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was gross.
OK, we've gotta see if they can beat it.
It's Fearne and Holly! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Because, Holly and Fearne, you've done this before, you've got to connect to each other via the arsehole.
(LAUGHTER) I'm kidding.
That would be too rude for television.
That's gonna go up into my nose.
Maybe you should have that end.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Are you ready? OK! Are you ready? There you go.
(KLAXON) Off you go! Up the banana steps.
Down the banana steps.
Over the banana hurdle! Then go horizontal.
(CHEERING) There you go.
There you go.
Roll over the sea of bananas.
There they go, rolling over the sea of bananas, enjoying themselves.
You're watching Celebrity Juice.
It's Holly and Fearne connected by a banana rolling over the sea of bananas, about to approach the banana see-saw.
Can they get up there? They're standing up.
They're still connected by the banana.
They're doing a very good job.
Very impressed.
A lot better than Flack and Iain Sterling.
Over the see-saw, about to approach the bastard banana.
What a bastard.
He's very similar to one of the characters from Ronald McDonald.
He's got burglar-esque features.
Oh! They're coming down the corridor.
Oh! There they are, there they are.
(CHEERING) Can they get through? They're through! They're almost here.
Still joined.
Not separated once.
(BELL RINGS) Holly and Fearne! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What was their time? Fucking quick.
A lot quicker than Iain and Caroline.
Their time was a very short time! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You were good! It was teamwork.
Absolute teamwork.
If you're 16 years of age and your parents have gone out on the piss, get some tissues and enjoy this action replay.
(LAUGHTER) Ohh.
Ooh, look at that.
That is the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
Ooh, look at that.
Look at the passion.
Ohh, look at Ooh! (LAUGHTER) Holly and Fearne, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, for the first time in history, we've got something very different on Totally Bananas Extreme.
It's Joel Dommett and it's Mark Wright with their tops off! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm flabbergasted.
I almost couldn't speak when I was presenting the notion of you doing this.
How do you feel about this? Well, we decided to do it topless because I want the number one video on the gay Pornhub.
(LAUGHTER) That's what I'm aiming for.
Now, this is the score you've got to beat.
Holly and Fearne, very short.
Caroline and Iain, long.
(LAUGHTER) So get over to the banana steps.
I'm so excited.
We've got a tactic.
We've been talking in the changing room.
(LAUGHTER) We're gonna go "mm-mm-mm" when we go up and "mm-mm-mm" when we go down.
And I'm not gonna lie, Mark at one point shouted, "Oi, son, do you want some body lotion?" I said yes.
(LAUGHTER) You ready? You'll go on the klaxon.
You ready? You'll go on the klaxon.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) Go! Go! Steady as you go.
Steady as you go.
Steady as you go.
Over the banana stairs.
Over the banana stairs.
Speed it up.
Mm.
Ohh.
Mm.
(LAUGHTER) Underneath.
Over.
Over.
Now horizontal.
Now horizontal.
Horizontal.
Keep connected.
Keep connected.
(CHEERING) Ooh, very good.
It's very erotic.
Look at that.
If you're a working mum and everyone's gone to bed, get yourself some tissues, cos this will be an action replay.
Look.
I think they're falling in love.
I think they're falling in love.
(CHEERING) There you go, Joel Dommett and Mark Wright.
Stand up! Stand up! You've gotta stand up now and go over the banana see-saw.
Come on, guys, you can do it.
(CHEERING) It's very homo-erotic, this.
Over the see-saw.
Be careful of the bastard banana.
Here we go, here we go.
Sideways.
There you go.
Down there.
Down they go.
Down they go.
(CHEERING) Very erotic indeed.
Keep it together, keep it together.
Up, up, up.
Hurrah! (BELL RINGS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to the leader board to see what they're saying.
You got short(ish).
So the winning team was Holly and Fearne! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do the scores, do the scores.
There you go.
And the scores are Shi-tiiing! Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joel, we're gonna go to an ad break.
Do a link.
Camera two.
See you in three, guys! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 'Coming up after t'break' Joel Dommett Joel Dommett.
Demonstrate three different wanking techniques with this banana.
The classic (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Are you having a good time? ALL: Yeah! Are you having a good time? ALL: Yeah! Are you having a good time? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And I bet you're having a good time.
We've arrived at our final round.
It's the buzzer round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer? "Last night on Love Island, Iain did Caroline up the bum.
" (LAUGHTER) That's Iain doing his voiceover for Love Island.
Fearne, what's your buzzer? "A'ight, Michelle? I'm in LA.
A'ight, Michelle? Yeah.
" (LAUGHTER) That's Mark phoning Michelle, saying he's in LA.
What did Willoughby recently tell Piers Morgan she'd never do again? Piers Morgan! (LAUGHTER) I know this.
"Tonight on Love Island, one of the girls wanks off a cameraman.
" (LAUGHTER) I said I wouldn't go on the telly drunk again.
Host This Morning hungover, correct.
I might be breaking that right now.
What did Sharon Osbourne recently say she did in her garden? "Tonight on Love Island, somebody goes balls deep.
" (LAUGHTER) Does she pee in the garden to get rid of foxes? Cos apparently that is what you're meant to do.
Well, you would know.
No.
She did a poo after being locked out of the house.
Oh, wow.
She then blamed the dog.
(LAUGHTER) Point for Joel Dommett Joel Dommett.
.
.
if he can demonstrate three wanking techniques with his banana.
"The name's Wrong.
Mark Wrong.
Wright.
Mark Wright.
" (LAUGHTER) Three different wanking techniques by Joel Dommett.
The classic.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) The backhand.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) And then the chancer.
(LAUGHTER) That one's called the Aladdin's lamp! (APPLAUSE) Point for Mark Wright if he phones up Arg right now.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He won't answer.
Why? "Michelle just bought a pair of shoes.
" (LAUGHTER) He'll pie me, I think.
Fearne, hit the buzzer.
"Hey, Michelle, what colour's an orange?" (LAUGHTER) Are you FaceTiming? Even better! He's never answering the phone.
Come on, Argy.
Come on, Arg.
Turn it round! We're on telly! He's pied me.
Failed! Oh, no.
He denied you? Yeah.
Denied by Arg! Oooh! AUDIENCE: Oooh! (LAUGHTER) Name three things that have been in the swimming pool on Love Island.
"Tonight on Love Island, somebody mistakenly fucks a tree.
" (LAUGHTER) Erm Inflatables.
Inflatables.
The islanders.
And me.
No.
Yeah.
Chlamydia, gonorrhoea and crabs.
(LAUGHTER) Point for whoever out of Lisa Stansfield and Mark Wright can make the highest-pitch sound.
Ooooh! Who's going first? Ladies first.
"Tonight on Love Island, we see somebody's willy!" Go on.
(SCREECHES) (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) It was Mark Wright.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) True or false (KLAXON) Ohhh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of the buzzer round, the end of this week's Celebrity Juice and the end of the series! The winning team is AUDIENCE: Ohhhhh! It's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see through t'window! Let's dance! # LISA STANSFIELD: Been Around The World # I can't find my baby # I don't know when, I don't know why # Why he's gone away # And I don't know where he can be # My baby