Celebrity Juice (2008) s20e05 Episode Script

John Barrowman, Lucy Fallon, Jordan Banjo, Suggs

Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my sweet-ass styles.
You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" but don't worry, it's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how totally rad this show is.
It's Holly Willough-boozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
And there's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped space ship.
Oh, there's Gino D'Acampo, still on fucking holiday.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew, we made it to the studio just in time for the best celly show on t'telly.
What is that celly show on t'telly? It's Celebrity Juice.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it was, though.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Yes, yes, yes! Hello! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I am Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, Holly Willough-boozy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you all right? Oh, my I'm really warm.
Oh, my God.
Please do that back up right now.
LAUGHTER That's my mum.
LAUGHTER Seriously, there is a line and that is definitely leaping over it.
Oh, my God! Stop that.
That is not OK.
Stop that.
Holly, who's on your team? On my team tonight, he's a superly gorgeous American hunk.
It's John Barrowman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on my left, he's a super-fabulous dancer.
It's Jordan Banjo.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fearne Cotton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Fearne, who's on your team? Well, on my right there's gonna be some madness tonight.
It's the legend that is Suggs! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The champion! Got a slight problem.
I can see.
On my left Lucy Fallon's meant to be there Isn't here.
Coronation Street's Lucy Fallon? Yeah, not here.
So why don't you get somebody from the audience to be her Ooh! .
until she gets here? Who looks like a Corrie beauty? I'll help ya.
Come on, Fearne.
Come on, let's go look.
Should we hold hands? Let's hold hands! OK.
Who looks like a Corrie beauty? There's a Corrie beauty! She is! Come on down.
Hi, Lucy Fallon.
Lucy Fallon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lucy, how's Corrie going? Great.
What's the new story line that you're working on at the moment? Give us an exclusive.
I've seen you in the Rovers when chinned that geezer.
What happened after that? He went down and then What time is it on? Half eight.
Seven to half eight.
What day? Monday.
Have you been killed recently? Or mugged.
Summat bad happened to ya, didn't it? She knocked that geezer out in the Rovers.
Is that the only scene you've seen? LAUGHTER Big man.
Suggs, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Suggs.
It's very rare we have a legend on Celebrity Juice.
Legend, in't he? Legend! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Madness have been going for 41 years.
I think we've got pictures of you back in the day.
There you are.
Just amazing.
Human Centipede, sideways.
LAUGHTER You had a signature dance, didn't you? A signature move.
We did, thanks very much, Keith, yes.
Can you show us? Can you still do it? No.
Jordan can do it.
Come on! Come on! Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Put the music on.
Put the music on.
MUSIC: 'One Step Beyond' by Madness LAUGHTER We've never had someone try and escape the set before.
It's amazing.
I didn't try.
I did.
LAUGHTER What was the maddest thing you got up to? We did get banned off Top Of The Pops four times.
That takes some doing.
Why? Getting my willy out.
A man after my own heart! LAUGHTER Yours is out more than it is in.
Stop! LAUGHTER Is it true, Suggs, that somebody stole your cat's ashes out of the boot of your car? There's a long story.
I had a bottle of vodka in the boot that I was gonna take round to the dentist's for a story I can't begin to explain right now.
LAUGHTER Sounds like a good one! But I had to pick up the ashes of my cat Voodoo from the vet and I left it in the back of the car so some geezer looked in the back, seen a bottle of vodka and a bag of white powder with the word Voodoo written LAUGHTER He had a good night with my cat.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING Did he think it was some meow-meow? LAUGHTER Suggs, when we have someone on that's a legend, such as yourself, we try and make a game out of their name.
Want to play a mini game for some points? Course, mate.
Right, well, let's play! MUSIC: 'One Step Beyond' by Madness CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome to the Suggs In a Rug Arena.
As you can see, we've got Suggs blindfolded, rolled up in a rug.
Suggs in a rug, that's why we play this game.
There's different items upon the rug.
If he can identify the items.
He'll get a point for his team.
But there is a star prize, which is inside this box.
This is worth double points.
Check that out.
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER Let's talk to Suggs and see how he's feeling.
Suggs, how you feeling? Andale, andale.
Ready? You go on the klaxon.
Lucy, are you ready? Yes.
This is Suggs In A Rug! KLAXON Ready, roll! Items.
You're going over the items.
Going over the items.
BAG POPPING Oh! Oh! LAUGHTER There was a little noise there.
Hang on.
LAUGHTER Ah, geez.
You're watching ITV2, Suggs In A Rug.
KLAXON That's one of the weirdest things I've ever done.
What's in the rug? Right.
Crisps exploded.
Crisps, yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There was a cheese board in the middle there.
Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How'd you get that? Then I think it was John's willy at the end there.
No, but it's about to hit your forehead now.
LAUGHTER At the end, for double points, what do you think it was? Yeah.
Jelly? I'll give you a little clue.
It rhymes with Suggs.
It was a bug.
LAUGHTER It wasn't drugs, that's for sure.
It was a rug! It was a rug for two points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE IMITATING BANJO RIFF It's Jordan Banjo, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BOTH IMITATING BANJO RIFF Jordan Banjo, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thanks, mate.
Of course, you're mostly known for your dancing that you do in the dance troupe Diversity.
That's the one.
Which you do alongside your beautiful husband Ashley.
I have a picture of you both together.
LAUGHTER What a couple.
There you are.
What a beautiful couple.
How long have you been married? 25 years we've been together.
I don't wanna get personal but when you're making love LAUGHTER .
who goes on top? This is possibly the weirdest conversation I've ever had about Ashley.
Too much? Am I intruding too much? They're brothers.
They're related.
They're not lovers.
He gets it, guys.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I thought you were married.
No, not married.
No, no, no.
Oh, well.
LAUGHTER So who goes on top? LAUGHTER You're on tour at the moment, Diversity, aren't ya? Yes, we're on tour.
What's it called? Ignite? Ignite, yeah.
What's the message? It's a circus.
It's not actually like a normal show.
That's not the message, that's a thing.
LAUGHTER Yeah, no.
That's the thing but - What's the message? It's also the message.
So, like, you're gonna put Perry in a box and chop his knob off? LAUGHTER That's a magic show.
That's what they do in circuses.
There are illusions in the show.
We've got a picture, let's have a look.
What the fuck?! No, I know.
That's Perry.
Who's injected him with a Bruce Lee serum? LAUGHTER What the fuck is? What happened to him?! He's not cute any more.
You can't throw him around.
"Don't hurt the child, don't hurt the child.
" He'll fucking kick the shit out of you.
LAUGHTER How old is he? He's 22 now.
I think we've got a picture of Perry here with his parents.
You need to look after yourself a bit more.
That's, like, breakfast, lunch and dinner all lined up.
LAUGHTER John, they look like they're made out of fucking hotdogs.
You know what? I've got the buns if they've got the hotdogs.
LAUGHTER Jordan, is it true you've just become a dad? It is.
Aw! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE He's a boy, Cassius.
Cassius, what a great name.
Cassius Ashley Banjo.
Oh! You're harping on about your son and I'm right proud of you but Lucy Fallon's here! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Hey.
Oh, my God, thank you for standing in for me.
Lucy, any last words before you go back? Any last words? I love ya.
Oh, yeah? Kiss on the lips with tongues? ALL GROAN LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Lucy Fallon, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lucy, what's going on in Corrie right now with you? Do you know what? I've not actually been there that much recently.
I'll tell you why.
Cos you've been on holiday every fucking week.
Yeah, that's true.
Look at this headline.
I saw that.
I think that's dramatic.
It might be five.
LAUGHTER Is it true you've recently saved somebody's life last you were on holiday? Oh, my God, no, I did.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We've got a real life hero on the show.
I got you some flowers.
For saving someone's life.
APPLAUSE I feel like there's gonna be something in there.
Thank you so much.
That's really kind.
What happened? Tell us the story.
Well, basically, he fell over and I just went and got some stuff and dabbed it.
So you didn't save his life.
Well yes.
I'll take those flowers back.
LAUGHTER It's still nice to do it.
No, you're not allowed.
It's not fair.
It's really nice.
Congratulations on your baby.
Oh, thank you.
But you have won an NTA Award and two Soap Awards.
Really good, well done.
Thank you very much.
Well done.
Taking those back.
He's John Barrowman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to Celebrity Juice, John.
Thank you.
Good to be here.
What have you been up to? Lots of stuff.
Flying all over the world.
There was a big scandal recently.
You stayed at a really posh hotel and they ran out of toilet paper.
And you came up with a unique way of wiping your bum after doing a poo, didn't you? Yes, I did.
Let's have a look.
So, I did it but then I go home and I'm having dinner with my mom and dad.
I'm eating dinner and all of a sudden my dad goes, "John, son, can I talk to you about something?" I said, "Yeah, Dad, what is it?" He said, "Well, do you think it was really appropriate, you pooing your pants and rolling down the hallway? What happens if your balls fall out?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE John, you won a Logo NewNowNext Award for best gay kiss for Torchwood Did I? .
in 2006? Did I? What I want you to do is recreate it with this melon here.
LAUGHTER Aw, he's cute.
You can try and recreate the kiss that won you the award.
Don't be offended if he don't shut his eyes, though.
LAUGHTER No! It was for Torchwood.
Yeah, but that was a human I was kissing in Torchwood.
I don't wanna kiss a fucking melon.
It's acting! Acting.
I'll kiss you and I'll show you how it goes.
Fuck, then, come on.
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING I knew this would happen.
Come on, Tony.
You love it.
This could've been you.
You ready? Oh.
OK, so I'll say You say it.
I can't do that with Holly's mother watching.
I just can't.
LAUGHTER I feel really bad.
This is your line.
"You saved my life" and you're then just gonna go in for the kiss.
OK? But don't go in hard cos I don't want you to hurt my lips.
LAUGHTER You're bad.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Where am I from? You can be from anywhere you like.
OK, I'm Mexican, then.
OK, good.
Good, good.
LAUGHTER I can't get into - Don't laugh, it's a serious scene! LAUGHTER FORCED MEXICAN ACCENT: Hey, man.
LAUGHTER I really want to thank you, you know? You saved my life.
LAUGHTER Don't mind if I do a little kiss on your face.
Thank you very much.
Chico, it's coming now.
LAUGHTER That's what they say.
LAUGHTER Before I do, you wanna say anything? Just fucking kiss me.
You've been eating fucking sushi.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING God, you've had sushi, haven't you? No, I was kissing Fearne before.
I've come up with a game in honour of your silver fox counterpart that you present This Morning with and also in honour of you, Barrowman, cos you once had silvery hair.
I feel bad that I dyed my hair back.
Yeah, you've let us down.
So let's play CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm gonna show you a picture of either a silver fox, someone doing something right, a cool dude, or a silver cock.
That could be someone with silvery hair doing summat quite naughty.
Not the bird.
You have to tell me if it's a silver fox or a silver cock.
Fearne, here's your first picture.
Silver fox or silver cocks? Oh.
LAUGHTER That is either one really tough packet of sticky toffees or something else is happening.
I wanna say silver fox.
Cos you want to think that Yeah.
You want think that - He might have just stubbed his toe.
FEARNE GRUNTS LAUGHTER OK, we're saying silver cock.
OK, let's have a look.
No, he's got a bad back.
GROANING Terrible lower back He's got sciatica.
He's not a cock.
Silver fox or silver cock? Ooh! He looks quite friendly, like he's just opening a packet of Werther's Originals.
LAUGHTER He's offering them to someone, going, "Oh, hello, dear.
Would you like one of these?" LAUGHTER I think that's Yeah, and Dear is like this.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God, John.
I think that's a nice granddad.
I think that's a silver fox.
I think he's giving somebody a butterscotch sweet.
Let's have a look.
Silver fox, you say.
Ah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE He's having an ice cream.
Silver fox or silver cocks? ALL GROAN I think we all know this one.
That's definitely a silver cock.
We know where those eyes are looking.
Maybe he's playing Connect Four, he just can't get it in.
LAUGHTER He looks proud, he's chuffed about it.
He's managed to get a stiffy somehow and he cannot believe it.
It's a silver cock.
Let's have a look.
SQUEALING AND LAUGHTER Silver fox or silver cocks? All right, let's see.
ALL GROAN Oh! Nope, that's a silver cock.
He doesn't look, like, in a state of happiness.
I think silver fox.
Silver fox.
Let's have a look.
Silver fox.
It's not gonna be good.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING He's a naughty man.
Silver cocks.
You got that wrong.
No-one is happy about that situation.
Well, he is.
LAUGHTER Fearne's team.
Silver fox or silver cocks? LAUGHTER AND GROANING Maybe he's playing pool.
But he's not as horizontal, is he? No.
I think he's stood up doing something.
He could be playing petanque.
I'm going fox myself.
Really? Yeah.
That mouth, though.
GROWLS LAUGHTER He is a bit "Oof".
I'm gonna trust you on this.
We're gonna go fox.
Let's have a look.
GROANING LAUGHTER Look at his body.
He's shaped like a baked potato.
HOLLY GIGGLES LAUGHTER I can't believe I'm looking at this.
Oh, like it's the worst thing you've look at.
No, it's not.
But anyway.
LAUGHTER Silver fox or silver cocks? OK, let me see, let me see.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, this is the ultimate silver fox, obviously.
No, I think it's silver cock.
LAUGHTER The whole nation wants to see it! AUDIENCE: Yes! Right? CHEERING Can I predict what's happening here? Knowing your filthy mind, you've put his head on something involving me.
LAUGHTER I don't have the power to change people's heads.
So this is gonna be a silver cock involving myself.
OK, let's have a look.
So bad.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING It's two silver foxes with silver cocks-es! Please, can I have that as a T-shirt? LAUGHTER Next time I go on This Morning, I'm gonna go, "Look at this, Phil!" LAUGHTER Oh, that is awful.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Going to go for a poo.
I'll see you in two! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up after the break: LAUGHTER AND GROANING APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's a word association game.
You mustn't stutter, you mustn't repeat.
Most of all, you mustn't show me your teeth.
The category is LAUGHTER I mean Jordan.
Get out of my pub! Jordan.
LAUGHTER You've found Go.
Who shot him? HOLLY MUMBLES KLAXON You can't cover your mouth.
All right.
Who's the dad? Eh? Who's the dad? LAUGHTER Dirty Den.
Michelle got shot on her wedding day.
Baby switched at birth.
Ricky! KLAXON Someone runs someone over with their car.
LAUGHTER MUMBLES You went really cockney there.
LAUGHTER Dot What? ALL MUMBLE I'll help ya.
KLAXON What?! GASPING She didn't cover her mouth.
Have we got a replay? ALL GASP AND GROAN That was a sneaky move.
I did.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE John.
A lot of people are making money out of these food apps right now.
There's Just Eat.
There's Deliveroo.
Uber Eats.
I thought, "What if I came up with my own app, where I could make loads of money out of delivering food to people?" I wanna get you involved in it.
OK, this is my new app and new game, called Hi.
Welcome to Barrowman Bites.
It's a new app-based device here.
Hopefully it will end up working.
All you're gonna do, we're gonna get a message here from somebody who wants a food delivery and you will deliver that food.
But unlike many food-based apps, we don't use fuel.
We don't use bikes, boxes or anything because we're about saving the planet.
We don't use plastic.
What's gonna happen here, John, is you will collect the ingredients with your mouth LAUGHTER .
mix them up in your mouth, then deliver them and deposit them with your mouth.
GROANING This is the future, man.
Is it really? BEEPING We're gonna make Oh! Whoa.
We've got an order from Holly.
She wants a potato salad.
Are you ready? Let's go! Barrowman Bites! Come with me, come on! Go, go, go.
Go! Go! Where am I going? Condiments, condiments.
We need the mayonnaise! AUDIENCE GROANING KEITH SHOUTING Vegetables.
Potatoes! Potatoes! JOHN WARBLES AND GAGS Where's the potatoes? Where's? There.
LAUGHTER There's the potatoes! LAUGHTER GRUNTING Potatoes.
Celery! Get the celery! JOHN MUMBLES AND GROANS Get the celery! He's got it, he's got it! He's got it.
Mix it up in your mouth.
Salt and pepper, salt and pepper! JOHN SHRIEKS Put the goggles on just in case.
JOHN SHRIEKS Salt and pepper.
Salt and pepper.
I lost the potato! Where's the potato? Go back for the potatoes! Go back, go back! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND GROANING Got the potato.
JOHN GROANS Mix it in your mouth.
JOHN WARBLES Mix it in your mouth.
I've got pepper in my eyes.
I've got pepper in my eyes.
Here is where you mix it up, the only way you know how.
Forward rolls.
I've got pepper in my eyes.
LAUGHTER Keep it closed.
Keep your mouth closed.
Mixing up the ingredients.
Look at that! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
KEITH SIGHS LAUGHTER Imagine having your food delivered by John Barrowman.
ALL GROANING LAUGHTER Service with a smile.
Thanks so much.
LAUGHTER That's just what you wanted, yeah? HOLLY GAGS LAUGHTER JOHN GRUNTS I can't even look at him.
How many stars are you gonna give him? You got five stars.
Oh, my God.
I just want your seal of approval.
Just taste it and let's see.
GROANING John Barrowman, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We're going to another break.
See you in three! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Coming up: SCREAMING Ohhhh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Jordan, you know when you're making sweet love vigorously? LAUGHTER Do you ever get scared that you'll snap your banjo strings? LAUGHTER So, let's play CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, Jordan.
Lucy, you're gonna play this too.
Basically, what I've got here is a large elastic band which will represent the banjo string.
A big banjo string.
You will both take a piece there.
Yep, got it.
And then you will walk backwards.
The person to keep hold of it will win.
The person that lets go of it will lose.
It's so easy, Lucy.
You have to have these safety goggles on, just in case it slaps back and twats you in the eye.
LAUGHTER Stand over here.
Let's stretch Jordan's banjo string.
I'm so scared! Come on, Lucy! CLAMOUR AND CHEERING SQUEALING Ohhhh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jordan gets the point! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The players are on their final round.
It's the buzzer round! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? BUZZER: 'John's sweet asshole!' LAUGHTER Fearne, what's your buzzer? BUZZER: 'We're fucking Madness here!' It was Madness, it was.
OK, here's the first question.
What's John Barrowman up to here? LAUGHTER I'd say silver cock.
Let's put it that way.
LAUGHTER Definitely silver cock.
It's in my back garden in Palm Springs, isn't it? I bet it's in your back garden.
LAUGHTER Hey, it's a very, very groomed back garden, I'll have you know.
Let's have a look.
He's crapping on an ashtray.
Oh, lovely.
You've always got your arse out.
I was not crapping on an ashtray! What did Dr Who star Jodie Whittaker reveal was her guilty pleasure? BUZZER: 'John's left hanging bollock.
' Was it that? Maybe.
Eating cabbage? I dunno.
No, it's half a bottle of wine a day.
What? Ooh! That's nothing to Holly.
That's a mere starter for Holly.
LAUGHTER That gets her going in the morning.
That's when she's brushing her teeth.
LAUGHTER Point for whoever does the best dolphin impression.
Hi-yee! LAUGHTER That was good.
That was good.
It's a sheep.
It's a goat.
Gonna give that to Lucy.
Yay! Thank you.
APPLAUSE Is this Suggs or a pair of jugs? Ooh.
BUZZER: 'We're killing it, we're Madness.
' Jugs.
Let's have a look.
Please now be Yes, it is a pair of jugs.
Thank you.
Is this Suggs or a pair of jugs? BUZZER: 'John's sweet butt-cheeks.
' LAUGHTER I think that's Suggs.
Let's have a look.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, but is this Suggs or is it a pair of jugs? BUZZER: 'What's the situation? It's Madness.
' Fearne's team.
I think it's jugs.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER It's you with jugs! Oh, wow-wee! KLAXON Oh! That's the klaxon.
That's the end of the buzzer round! APPLAUSE Really close.
I can tell you this week's winner of Celebrity Juice is It's Suggs' first time on the show and it is indeed Holly's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I was Keith Lemon! I won't see you for a week! MUSIC: 'Baggy Trousers' by Madness CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Goodbye! .