Celebrity Squares (2014) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, I'm Warwick Davis, and this is Celebrity Squares, the show that's so popular the stars were queuing to get in though they could have mistaken us for the loos.
Let's meet our Squares.
He's always in our corner, it's comedian Tim Vine.
Corrie's favourite, Antony Cotton.
He's fuzzy and funny, it's Joe Wilkinson.
From Loose Women - Andrea McLean, Kaye Adams and Nadia Sawalha.
He's all teeth and no gums, comedian Rob Beckett.
Hoping to bowl us over, it's cricketing legend Freddie Flintoff.
He's absolutely hal-arious, it's Hal Cruttenden.
Olympic gold medallist and BBC commentator Denise Lewis.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's Keith Lemon.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What a great-looking bunch.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello! Welcome, Keith.
You're in our centre square.
Yeah, what does that mean? It means you're quite important.
YES! So I take it, judging from that, you're happy to be on Celebrity Squares? YES! (LAUGHTER) You're sandwiched between Denise Lewis and the Loose Women, is this a dream for you? Yes, I've always dreamed of being on top of loose women.
It wasn't like this.
It was different, but I won't say what it was like in the dream.
Otherwise it'll just get cut out because it'll be too rude, but it's a nice feeling.
Hi, girls! ALL: Hi! Hi girl! Hi.
Yeah, it's nice.
I've met you before.
Indeed we have met before.
And I've watched you on films.
Have you? Yeah.
What's your favourite film I've been in? (LAUGHTER) Er, Willow.
Do the voice of Willow now.
Oh, um, 'Don't call me a peck.
' Sounds like Willow, doesn't it, when he does it? You haven't lost it, it's still there.
I tell you what, when I was on my way here today Yeah.
I imagined you as like a tall person.
Oh, yeah.
And it just wasn't right.
It wasn't right.
It was like my whole world went wrong.
Keith, thanks for being here.
Keith Lemon, everyone.
Thanks.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We've met our celebrity squares.
Now let's meet tonight's contestants.
Representing the noughts, we have Audrey.
Tell our squares about yourself.
Hello, Squares.
ALL: Hello, Audrey! I'm Audrey, I'm 31, I'm a freelancer web editor and I'm from London.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Lovely.
Now, Audrey, you say you do web editing, what sort of websites do you edit? Fashion websites.
I've been working in fashion for ten years.
What do you think of my fashion? I think you look absolutely suave and stunning.
Yes, I'm wearing a Toys R Us.
Brilliant.
Spot on trend.
What do you think of our celebrities' fashion? Anyone that stands out? They all look gorgeous.
I really like Denise's top.
You like that top? Yeah.
And I think Joe looks rather suave in his bow tie.
Spot on.
And beards are in right now so he's bang on trend.
Hang on a minute, you just said he looks suave.
Yes.
Are you short-sighted? I am actually.
You are? (LAUGHTER) Lovely to meet you.
Thank you.
Audrey, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see who you're facing tonight.
Representing the crosses, we have Jamie.
Introduce yourself to our Squares.
Hello, Squares.
ALL: Hello, Jamie! KEITH: JAMIE! (LAUGHTER) I'm Jamie, I'm 29, I'm a university placements officer from Bath.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to the show, Jamie.
Now, if you win tonight - you're going to win some cash whatever happens - what are you going to spend it on? I'd really like to get some guitar lessons.
Really? Yeah.
I hear you're also planning a wedding at the moment.
That's right.
If you put a bit towards that that'd be diplomatic.
The guitar's gonna come first and the wedding maybe after.
(LAUGHTER) But you're engaged to this young lady.
I am yes, yep.
We got engaged last year.
And how did that go? We went to the Shard.
Had a bit of difficulty in the security gate - I nearly got found out with my engagement ring - and then I found out at the top that she was scared of heights as well.
Oh.
But we went to see our favourite show, Phantom of the Opera, and I proposed on stage to her.
Aw, that's lovely, that's lovely.
Thank you, Jamie, good luck.
Good luck to you both.
Our contestants, everyone.
So, here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row - either up and down like this across like that or diagonally like this.
I'll ask our celebrities general knowledge questions.
Our contestants need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If they make the right decision, they'll take that square.
If not, the square goes to their opponent.
For each square our contestants take they'll win ?50.
Win a game and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
So, that's the rules done, let's start with game one.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Jamie, you won the coin toss backstage so you get to go first.
I'll go with Keith Lemon, please.
Keith.
Hello! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's your question, Keith.
Which film had the largest-ever make-up budget? Do I give you a real answer or a fake one? (LAUGHTER) You say what you think the answer is.
I know the answer.
You know the answer? I know about films.
You need to give Jamie your answer then.
Jamie, the answer is the 1968 version of Planet of the Apes, comparatively.
(LAUGHTER) Ha, yes! See, you think I didn't know that, but I did.
(LAUGHTER) So, Jamie - Jamie, that's a fact.
I think I'll disagree.
Ohh.
You're wrong to disagree.
So nought gets the square.
It was Planet of the Apes.
The hairstyling was done by Vidal Baboon.
(LAUGHTER) Audrey, your turn.
I think I will go withTim Vine, please.
(APPLAUSE) Hello, Tim Vine.
Brenda, hold my calls.
Warwick, how are you? Very well, thank you, Tim.
Yes.
Now, you're a comedian.
Write that down, viewers.
Are you OK up there? How are you with heights? I'm not afraid of heights, actually, I'm afraid of widths.
Talking of ailments, I went to the doctors.
I'm on anti-barn-dance pills at the moment.
I'm not allowed to exceed the stated do-si-do-sage.
Ring me whenever you want, Brenda.
Tim.
Yes.
In which country would you find the world's deepest underwater, postbox? I think it might be somewhere somewhere where they do a lot of scuba diving etc.
So I think it might be somewhere like Egypt.
In fact, I'm pretty sure of this.
I went to an Egyptian shop I said, 'Can I buy a glyphic?' He said, 'No, you can only hire-a-glyphic.
' (LAUGHTER) That's my answer, Audrey, and I'm certain of it.
Egypt.
-Audrey, do you agree or disagree with that? I think I'll have to disagree, I'm afraid.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
The answer was Japan.
Jamie, your turn.
I'll go with Rob Beckett, please.
Hello, Rob.
Hello, mate.
You all right? Yes, thank you.
You're like a cheeky chappy sat down there.
Yeah.
I'm glad I'm on here cos it proves that we don't share a mouth.
I'm all conscious now.
I can't smile any more.
It don't stop me, mate.
Just plough through it.
What do your mum and dad make of you being on Celebrity Squares? My dad said, 'You're a celebrity? Do me a favour.
' That's what he said.
I told my mum and she said, 'I haven't seen that for years, have I?' I was like, 'I don't know.
I'm not you.
' Do you have a recollection of the show in the past? No, cos last time it was on I think I was about eight.
Yeah.
But I've got the gist.
Have you? Yeah, it's celebrities in squares.
That's what it is.
Yeah, so, I'm nailing it so far.
Any further, I'm just gonna have to wing it.
Right, here's your question.
What? You've got to answer some questions.
No-one told me that.
(LAUGHTER) I'll be all right though.
Right.
What is the name of pop duo Jedward's album? I saw it in a shop and it had reduced-to-clear on it.
I think it's Is it Double Trouble? It's something like that, Double Trouble, cos they're twins.
I don't know if that seems quite right.
I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
It was called Planet Jedward.
Planet Jedward is dense, shows no signs of intelligent life and isn't in a galaxy far, far enough away for my liking.
Audrey, your turn.
I think I'll go with Joe Wilkinson, please.
(APPLAUSE) Hello, Joe.
Hello.
(LAUGHTER) Have you been busy today? What's going on? Er, just been preparing for the show.
How do you prepare? What do you do? -Clean my teeth.
Er, did my bikini line.
What's it like being so close to the Loose Women there? I like it.
I like it a lot.
ANDREA: You have beautiful hair.
I know.
I know.
You know that we can come at you from behind here.
I think I just made that up in my head.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna wake up, aren't I? I'm gonna wake up in the bus depot again, I know it.
I wanna leave now cos I don't think we're gonna top that.
Joe, here's your question.
According to a recent study one in eight men said they would wear their underwear up to how many times before washing them? (LAUGHTER) Feel free to be personal about it.
This is er a lot of pressure, girls.
You'll realise when it's your turn.
What are you doing? -Oh, 'ey! I'm just gonna have a sniff.
(SNIFFS) That kind of usually happens the other way around as well.
To be honest with you, I do wash my thongs quite regularly so I'm gonna say maximum .
.
two days.
Two.
Twice.
I think I'll agree.
You're wrong to agree.
So cross gets the square.
The answer was three.
I've had a favourite pair of pants for years.
It's fair to say I'm sticking to them.
(LAUGHTER) Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for Loose Women for the win, please? Yay! You can, indeed.
Yes, you can Jamie.
Hello, ladies.
Lovely to have you here.
Thank you.
Have we got the three smartest Loose Women with us? There's three of us? It's taken three of our brains to equal one of any of these.
Yes.
It's quite a low bar.
-Well, and the wittiest.
We were available.
You were just available.
By default you're here.
That's good.
And the most gorgeous.
The most gorgeous? You look gorgeous from here.
I can see everything.
Here we go, ladies.
This is for the win.
No pressure.
Can I say I bet Jamie changes them every day? Yeah.
Every day.
I think they like you, Jamie.
We do.
Here we go.
He's not married yet.
Watch out he might take you up the Shard.
(LAUGHTER) Hang on a minute.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, ladies, here we go.
In the computer world, the floppy disk, which was developed in the late '60s, was originally how big in inches? That depends how floppy it was really.
(LAUGHTER) Don't you think? -I've still got my computer that had floppy disks.
Don't admit that, for God's sake.
Let's go for eight.
Eight sounds like a good number.
Eight.
Have confidence, Jamie.
Trust me.
Eight inches, Jamie.
We're smarter than we look.
I might disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
The answer was eight inches.
Audrey, your turn.
I'll have to go with Denise Lewis for the win, please.
(APPLAUSE) Hi, Audrey.
Denise Lewis.
Welcome, Denise.
Hello.
Lovely to have you here.
-Thank you.
-You are an Olympic gold medallist.
If I ever won a gold medal I'd never take it off.
Do you wear it out and about? -Well, actually, Warwick, if Ooh.
Ahh.
So you've won a gold, a silver Yes.
Have you ever been tempted to slow down a bit to get a bronze? Cos, as I understand it, on Antiques Road show a full set's worth a lot more.
You might want to think about that.
Well, I'll bear that in mind.
Right, here we go, Denise.
Your question is What was the first name of the James Bond villain, Goldfinger? Ooh, now Gold? Interesting.
He's called Goldfinger, so his first name's Gold, innit? ANTONY: Brian.
No.
Was it Derek? No.
Derek? Derek Goldfinger.
We're not allowed to confer.
This is my question.
You're confusing Denise.
This is my question.
I'm a big James Ban um Bond fan and Obviously.
(LAUGHTER) Can't even say his name.
.
.
and I thinkI think the villain's name was Sebastian.
That's what I think.
Right, Audrey.
Do you know Bond? No.
Probably better than Denise does.
Probably.
Um, Sebastian Goldfinger.
I Seb for short.
Seb.
OK.
I think I'll have to agree.
You're wrong to agree, so cross gets the square.
His name was Auric.
Jamie, your turn.
I'll go for Hal Cruttenden, please.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome, Hal.
Hello.
Lovely to be here.
Great to have you here.
You're a stand-up comedian.
Yes.
So, being a stand up comedian, can you still be funny sitting down? No.
Ah.
Right, here we go, Hal.
Your question is Bethlehem is twinned with which city in the UK? We're looking for a city with a virgin then? Where does Ann Widdecombe live? No.
(LAUGHTER) Ohh! What? Was that too spicy? I think it's somewhere quite religious.
I would sayI would say it's probably Canterbury.
I'll agree.
You're wrong to agree.
Nought gets the square.
The answer was Glasgow.
Glasgow was more than happy to be twinned with Bethlehem as they thought they may share the secret of turning water into wine or, better still, water into whisky.
(LAUGHTER) Audrey, your turn.
I'll go with Antony Cotton, please.
Hey! Yeah.
(APPLAUSE) If you take this square it means you win the game as you'll have five squares on the board and your opponent can't complete a line.
Hello, Antony Cotton.
How are you? Great.
Lovely to have you here.
Thank you.
We've got Hal on the show.
Yes.
What's it like to be the second campest man in the room for a change? Well, I'm normally the campest man.
He's quite camp.
(DEEP VOICE) No, I'm not.
He's quite camp.
(LAUGHTER) He's camp in a much more vulgar way though.
(DEEP VOICE) No, I'm not.
No, I am not.
Antony, we know you from Coronation Street.
Yes.
Out of this lot, who would you take for a drink in the Rovers? Freddie, definitely.
Freddie Flip-Flop.
Why? Because once, randomly, I had a birthday party and Freddie turned up.
That was the first time we'd ever met.
Do you remember that? Yeah, I was the stripper.
That would have been brilliant.
Um, probably Freddie.
Or Keith maybe.
Well, I've been in t'Rovers.
You have.
I did a scene in Corrie but they cut it out.
We did a pretend scene and told him it was going to be on and it was never going to be on.
Yeah.
It was unshowable cos he was so rude to Michelle Keegan.
I was not.
I did Corrie acting and everything.
But you were rude.
'I've bought the booze in.
' You said rude words.
I didn't.
He said the rudest thing, which I won't say here.
He once said the rudest thing I've ever heard in my life.
But I say rude things in jest.
He says rude things for real.
So that is really rude.
I say it just to get a reaction but he says rude things for real, so that's ruder.
I'm not saying what it was.
I just say rude things to you so you go, 'Ohhh!' (APPLAUSE) Right, here's your question.
What is generally missing from a Manx cat? Missing? Missing.
What's missing from a Manx cat? I completely 100% know the answer to this cos I have a wild one that lives near my house that greets me every night when I come home from work and it has no tail.
I will have to agree with Antony.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square, the game and the bonus of ?500.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Audrey.
Let's see your totals so far.
After the first game (READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a mystery prize.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! I know.
Be there and be square.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with more big names than the Icelandic phone book.
Earlier we met Audrey from London and Jamie from Bath.
Before we get back to the game.
Freddie Flintoff, good to have you here.
Cheers, Warwick.
So you've come back out of retirement.
Is that because you love cricket so much? No, it just gets me out the house.
(LAUGHTER) I enjoy sitting at home watching Loose Women and Jeremy Kyle.
ALL: Yay! Thank you.
What do you most like about cricket? How's it going? It fills time.
You know, I enjoy standing in a field for hours on end rubbing my balls.
It's it's it's amazing.
I read that in coming out of retirement you got a new arrangement that when you appear on the field again you get a pound for everyone that comes to see you.
It has been rumoured but this is probably the biggest audience I've played in front of, being a cricketer.
If it was a pound for each member I'd probably get about 38 quid a match.
We've got a similar arrangement here on Celebrity Squares.
So I've got a hat here.
Brilliant.
Everyone in the audience, if you've come here specifically to see Freddie stick a quid in here and we'll see what's in there later on.
All right? (LAUGHTER) Fantastic.
Thank you very much.
Freddie Flintoff.
Right, it's now time for game two.
Which works just like game one, except hidden out there is a mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
It's now time to release the squares.
For you at home, here's who it is.
Right, Jamie, you're playing catch-up so you get to go first.
I'll go with Keith Lemon again, please.
Hi, Jamie.
Hello.
(MUSICAL ALERT) (LAUGHTER) Well done, Jamie.
You found the mystery square.
Keith, from under your desk, please can you reveal the prize that Jamie will be playing for.
You're playing for a mirror.
Ahhhh! (LAUGHTER) Get this right, Jamie, and you won't be able to put the mirror down.
Courtesy of Red Letter Days you can look as bang tidy as Keith, with your own personal shopper in a major department store.
OK, here's your question, Keith.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary where would you find your wenis? (LAUGHTER) Near your westicles.
Um, the wenis? Yes.
Have you said it wrong? (LAUGHTER) That's what it is.
Wenis? Is that a real thing? It is.
Where is it on your body? It's on your body? Yep.
On my lower half? (LAUGHTER) I'm not going to say.
I want your opinion on where you might find a wenis.
In the magical zone.
(LAUGHTER) It's low down somewhere, I expect.
On your foot.
Your foot.
How's a wenis on your foot? (LAUGHTER) Are you saying it right? I'm saying it right.
That's how you pronounce it.
Are you taking your initial and putting it on front of another word that begins with a P? Wenis? Yes.
There's no such thing a wenis.
You're saying it wrong.
Listen, this is a fact.
You have one, I have one.
Do the Loose Women have one? We need an answer from you, Keith.
Where is your wenis? I in my eye.
Eye.
No! Eye? No? No.
Oh.
In me er A place where you would find your wenis.
What's it do? Hit me with it.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) If I hit you with it, would you like it? Wenis.
Is it a bone? It's not a bone, is it? Keith, where would you find your wenis? Oh, underneath the stairs.
Underneath t'stairs? Is that a metaphor for summat else? Well, because of the time that we're on, underneath the stairs.
Would that be your answer? No.
My wenis is in my bottom.
Yes? Yes.
My wenis is in my bottom.
Jamie, do you agree or disagree? I think I'll disagree.
Jamie, where's your wenis then? Do you know where your wenis is? No.
Where do you think your wenis is? Um - Don't say in Warwick's bottom.
(APPLAUSE) Jamie, surprisingly you're right to disagree.
So cross gets the square.
Your wenis is the excess skin around your elbow.
Which makes Donatella Versace look like a giant wenis.
(LAUGHTER) Audrey, your turn.
I think I will go with Rob Beckett, please.
All right, Rob, here's your question.
True or false - every 98 minutes a new word is created in the English language? Well, after we've just had wenis, that's a yes, innit? It's got to be true.
I will have to .
.
disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
It's true.
A new word is created every 98 minutes.
I find that fact shulugrafying.
Jamie.
Can I go with Tim Vine for the win, please? You can.
OK, Jamie, here we go.
According to a 2013 study, what did 38% of pensioners say gave them the most pleasure in life? Squat thrusts.
I think it could be grandchildren.
Grandparents love their grandchildren.
That's the thing they like the best.
Grandchildren.
I'm certain of it.
I think it's be something like gardening.
I'll disagree.
Mm.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and wins that game plus the bonus of ?500.
Congratulations.
Yes, the answer was gardening.
My nan would spend hours in the garden.
I found that a tent is way cheaper than a retirement home.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
(READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, it's time for game three .
.
which we've called Square Essentials.
The squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestants will agree if they think it's the truth and disagree if they think they're telling a porky.
Now, you're playing catch-up, Audrey, so you get to go first.
I will go with Keith Lemon, please.
Hello.
Hello.
Keith, let's - Audrey, hello! Let's hear your square essential.
What read what's on here or just say an actual fact? Have you gotta guess if it's true or false? You would've written down one earlier.
No, I didn't.
So if you Just do - Did everyone else do that? I didn't get told to write anything down.
Do the - You've got one there.
But that's not true.
Turn the paper over.
(LAUGHTER) She has to decide whether it's true or not.
So you say it - But that's not out of my mind.
Antony, thank you for your help.
Say that one.
Right.
I hold the world record for the most lemons caught whilst being blindfolded, whilst being thrown by Gino D'Acampo on the programme This Morning.
(LAUGHTER) That's false.
It's true.
It's false.
It's true! Cos I beat it.
No, you didn't.
I did.
I beat it with Steve Harmison.
Is it in t'book of world records? Yeah, I've got the certificate.
I've got a certificate.
I've got a certificate.
I can go and bring it.
Gino's got one too.
OK, I hold the record for pulling the most Christmas crackers within a minute.
(LAUGHTER) Have I got this wrong? I'm telling you t'truths.
I'm sure you are, Keith.
I once made love to David Hasselhoff.
That's true! Tell Audrey the one you told me earlier on.
I have a waxwork of myself at Madame Tussauds in Blackpool.
(LAUGHTER) Audrey, do you agree or disagree with that? I'll have to disagree.
Cheers, Audrey.
You're wrong to disagree.
It is true.
So cross gets the square.
Tell us about that, Keith.
Well, it's very nice.
My hair's a bit different now cos it was a few years ago.
I've had it cut.
I've got like a graduated bob I think it's described as.
Have you not got one? I haven't.
They could make mine out of a bit of leftover, couldn't they? Right, Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for the Loose women, please? ALL: Aw! Thank you.
OK, ladies, let's hear your square essential.
Every Wednesday the Loose Women agree that we will all wear pink underwear.
That's put a terrible image in his head.
He's traumatised, poor boy.
I think I'll disagree with that.
That's a bit weird.
Weird? Us? Nothing weird about that.
You're right to disagree.
So cross gets the square.
Yes, of course, everyone knows Wednesday is blue pants day.
Audrey, your turn.
Denise Lewis for the block, please.
OK, um Thank you, Denise.
I own shares in a racehorse.
I would have to agree.
You're right to agree.
So nought gets the square and the block.
So, Denise, have you had any winners yet? I have, actually.
Have you? My first year.
I was very lucky.
My horse came through in her maiden race and won.
Very nice.
That's lovely, that's lovely.
Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for Joe Wilkinson, please? I, on the first day of a job, while I was being shown round, I got shown all the good places to secretly have a nap.
(LAUGHTER) I'll agree with that.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
Joe.
You look a bit like Al Pacino.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you.
It's all right.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I said you had nice hair.
Ah, you've been duped.
That's now the nicest thing.
That's second nicest thing.
I'm having the day of my life.
(LAUGHTER) So, Joe, what sort of job was that you were doing? I worked in a factory.
Right.
And, genuinely, the man who showed me around was electronically tagged.
Audrey, your turn.
Hal Cruttenden, please.
Hal, now you're sat next to Denise who's an Olympian.
Are you a fan of sports? Oh, I am a fan of sports.
My dad wanted me to be a bit more of a fan of sports.
When I was about five he took me to see QPR.
They beat Everton 5-0, they went top of the old First Division and my dad said, 'What do you think about that, son?' I said, 'The hoops, such a brave fashion statement.
' He was like, 'Oh, my God.
' It's hard with this voice to support football or rugby teams.
(CAMP VOICE) 'Come on, boys, get stuck in.
' It doesn't have the same impact.
Is that Keith laughing at me? (CACKLES) He's quite frightening, isn't he? It's like a little scary Joker in the middle, could get anywhere.
These squares are not sealed so, be aware, he may move amongst them.
Yeah, I might climb up and give you a kiss.
Right, here we go, Hal.
Let's hear your square essential.
My name is short for Halifax.
(LAUGHTER) I would have to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
Well done.
I wish it was.
Hal's name is also not short for halitosis, halloumi or Halle Berry.
Jamie.
I'll go for Rob Beckett for the win, please.
OK.
My favourite drink is squash.
(LAUGHTER) I'll agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square, wins that game and the bonus of ?500.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
Rob, is it true that you don't like tea or coffee? Tea and coffee's a conspiracy.
(LAUGHTER) Everyone loves tea and coffee cos it's the only thing that gets offered.
If you go round, 'Do you want tea or coffee?' 'No, I want squash.
' (LAUGHTER) I think if squash was in the mix, I reckon that would be the big hitter.
That's my conspiracy about tea and coffee.
Some people go Roswell.
Tea and coffee, that's my conspiracy.
Lovely.
Right, let's have a look at your totals so far.
(READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Three when there's more cash up for grabs.
And somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares or, as I like think of it, Noughts and Crosses: X-treme.
(LAUGHTER) Squares, how are you doing? Good.
Going well.
Yesss! Freddie, the hat has come back.
Good.
It's been passed round the audience.
We've got all sorts in here.
There's not a lot of cash.
We've got some some shoelace, a cigarette, a biscuit.
There's all sorts of stuff.
Staples.
People have just basically emptied their pockets for you.
I actually, I thought you forgot I was here.
Bless you.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
I feel like the fat kid at football.
We don't get picked.
I've not done owt.
It's the easiest one I've earned.
(APPLAUSE) It's like playing cricket.
It's better.
At least I get to sit down and do nowt.
I'm inside.
It's warm.
It's nice.
Pick us, Jamie, come on.
Let's see.
You might get some action in the next game.
Now it's time for our next game four (APPLAUSE) .
.
which we call Square Miles.
Hidden out there we have another mystery square.
If a contestant finds it they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
The next square you could be visiting is the Piazza di Spagna in Rome.
You could enjoy a Roman holiday as you explore the sights before relaxing at the Oxford Hotel courtesy of British Airways Holidays.
(APPLAUSE) How lovely.
Right, now it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, here is the mystery square.
Audrey, you're playing catch-up so you get to go first.
I'll go with Freddie Flintoff, please.
Yay! (CHEERING) Here you go, Freddie.
What do I do? What type of bread takes its name from the Italian word for slipper? Don't know.
(LAUGHTER) Worth waiting for.
I'm from Lancashire.
If I was from Yorkshire I'd probably be inter-bread.
Eh, hey! What breads are there? There's focaccia.
Sunblest.
Yeah.
And ciabarrta.
I'll go with ciabarrta.
Say what? Ciabarrta.
Is that a bread? Ciabarrta.
Ciabarrta.
Is that how you say it? Ciabarrta.
How many Rs are you putting in that? It's a rolling R.
It's ciarrbarrta.
Audrey, Freddie says 'ciabarrta'.
I have to disagree.
Audrey, you're wrong.
You're wrong Audrey.
You're wrong to disagree.
So cross gets the square.
Yes, it is ciabatta.
I know ciabatta very well having starred alongside him and Han Solo in Return of the Jedi.
(LAUGHTER) Jamie, your turn.
Keith Lemon, please.
Keith, here's your question.
Destinee Hooker represents the USA in which sport? Is it a female sport? (LAUGHTER) Which sport? Is it wakeboarding? (LAUGHTER) What's so That's a sport, innit, wakeboarding? Is that your answer? No, it's golf.
Basketball.
Basketball? Yeah, basketball.
OK.
Jamie, what do you think? I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
The answer is volleyball.
Oh! Volleyball is very popular in nudist camps.
Which is surprising.
If I had no clothes on the last people I'd want to see are the ones who love hitting balls at 80mph.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Audrey, your turn.
Antony Cotton Yay! for the block, please.
Antony, in which month of the year, is the earth closest to the sun? I thinkI think I know this.
And I think it's the opposite of when you think it would be because it's about the sun.
But I have a feeling that the correct answer is January.
How many times did you touch your nose? I don't know.
I'd have to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, it was January.
Now that square's back in open play.
If you look at the tans on people from Essex you'd be forgiven for thinking it was all year round.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Jamie, your turn.
Antony Cotton for the win, please.
No pressure.
This is for the win.
Warm that nose up, Antony.
Two fingers I reckon for this one.
Here we go, Antony.
Right, I'm ready.
According to recent research, on a car journey it takes roughly 33 minutes before what happens? You have to wee in a Pot Noodle cup? My mum made me do that in Blackpool.
She wouldn't let us get out the car.
Probably tasted nicer, didn't it? Did you fill it? Er, I can't remember that detail, but we weren't allowed to get out going to see the illuminations.
So we had to do a wee and the only thing in the car was from the journey going.
My brother had had a Pot Noodle, so we had to wee in the Pot Noodle cup.
I think the social services would be called nowadays.
But I would imagine it's before you have an argument surely.
I'll agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square, wins that game and the bonus of ?500.
My wife and kids are always falling out.
I must get some passenger doors fitted.
But neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Rob you'd have been playing for the holiday in Rome.
Right, let's have a look at your totals so far.
(READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now it's time for game five, the Double Square game.
We are doubling the money for every square won.
They are now worth ?100 each and for winning the game there's a bonus of ?1.
000.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Now, Audrey, you're playing catch-up.
Remember, this is the double-money round, so you've still got a chance of catching Jamie.
Where would you like to go? I'd like to start with Tim Vine.
Audrey, why not? Here's your question, Tim.
Yes.
If I'd given you a psyche knot, what would you have? Well, um, you've done the right thing choosing me, Audrey, for this cos this is something I know a bit about.
A psyche knot is not to be confused with anything to do with ropes.
This is to do with trees.
It's the sort of knot you get in a tree.
Do you know, I collect trees.
The other day I lost my tree so I nailed a picture of it to a dog.
The answer is, Audrey, it's the knot in a piece of wood.
I would have to agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So cross gets the square.
It was a Victorian hairstyle.
Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for Denise Lewis, please? Of course you can.
Here we go, Denise.
Which Italian dessert translates into English as 'pick me up'? Pick me up, pick me up.
Pick me up You'd think something that's got a coffee base, wouldn't you? Yeah? So how about tiramisu? I'll disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, I'm afraid.
So nought gets the square.
The answer was tiramisu.
Audrey, your turn.
Keith Lemon, please.
Hello, Audrey.
Hello, Keith.
Keith, the name of which food comes from an old German word for buttock? Sausage.
(LAUGHTER) No, not sausage.
(LAUGHTER) Bacon.
Egg? (LAUGHTER) Mushrooms.
Beans? (LAUGHTER) You're just listing a full English breakfast.
Yeah.
Bacon.
Bacon.
Bacon? Bacon.
You're going with bacon.
All right, Audrey.
I'll have to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, it was bacon.
Ha, ha, ha! Cross gets the square.
Although I doubt many people would like to order a toasted bum sandwich for breakfast.
Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for Rob Beckett for the win, please? Rob.
In which Jane Austen novel would you find both of the characters Mr Pratt and Fanny? Mr Pratt and Fanny? Yep.
Sounds like something my dad calls me and my brother.
I'm not a big Jane Austen fan, I'll be honest.
I know Emma.
That's a book she's done, innit? Is it? So you're going with Emma? Yeah.
I think.
I think that's one of her books.
Do you read books? My partner's a huge Jane Austen fan so she'll kill me if I get it wrong, but I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and wins that game plus the bonus of ?1.
000.
The answer was Sense and Sensibility.
Now I've read about Mr Pratt but I have to admit I've never seen Jane Austen's Fanny'.
Let's reveal the contestant with the most cash, who's going through to our final game.
(READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Jamie, you're going through to our final game.
Well done.
How do you feel? Really excited.
Excellent.
Unfortunately, Audrey, we have to say goodbye to you, but have you had fun? Yes, I have, thank you.
Fantastic.
You'll be taking home ?700.
Enjoy spending the money you've won tonight.
Audrey, everyone! Thank you.
(CHEERING) Join us in Part Four when Jamie could walk away with that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anywhere! (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Jamie has made it through to our final game - Question Line.
Congratulations on making it this far.
Thank you.
How do you feel? Really excited to get going.
I can't believe I'm here.
You mentioned earlier that you might spend some of your winnings on a guitar.
Yes.
Now, what sort of guitar might you like to buy? I don't know whether to go for electric or acoustic, but if I win I could maybe get both.
I see.
You've got someone here who might disagree with you spending that much money on a guitar.
Your fiancee's here.
What's her name? That's Amy.
She's probably going to expect quite a nice wedding.
Yes.
Yeah.
What have you got planned? Well, a nice church wedding.
I think she's got kind of a big wedding in mind, really.
Big cars You could do something sort of noughts and crosses theme.
Yes, yep.
Keith could come along as well.
Yeah, I've got this mirror, you won this mirror.
Imagine it, you're at the altar.
The vicar says.
'Do you take this woman? I agree or disagree?' Good luck.
We're all on your side here.
Thank you.
And wishing you the best of luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
Here's your line of questioning You have Tim Vine, Denise Lewis and Hal Cruttenden.
And here are their subjects.
Which category would you like? I think I might actually go for William Shakespeare.
Why've you gone for that? I'm hoping it's plays that he's written.
So you know a lot about that? I could probably get a few.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I hope so.
Good luck! Thank you.
Here we go.
Hal was named after Prince Hal in the Shakespeare play Henry V.
I need you to name other Shakespeare plays that also feature in the complete works of Shakespeare.
Plays with more than one part only count as one answer.
You have 30 seconds to light as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you ?1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Now, remember, you have to wait for me to say yes or no before you move on to your next answer.
OK.
Are you ready? Yes.
Your time starts now.
The Tempest.
Yes.
The Taming of the Shrew.
Yes.
Much Ado About Nothing.
Yes.
A Comedy of Errors.
Yes.
Romeo and Juliet.
Yes.
The Merchant of Venice.
Yes.
Henry IV.
Yes.
Henry III.
No.
Henry VI.
Yes.
Henry VII.
No.
(Come on.
) Um Come on.
Gosh.
Um (TIME'S-UP HOOTER) ALL: Ohhh! So close, Jamie, so close.
Well done.
Thank you.
-You could have had Henry VIII there.
-Ohh! I was willing you on.
But, anyway, you lit eight squares which gives you ?8.
000.
(CHEERING) Thank you very much.
Let's add that ?8.
000 to the money you've already won to give you a total of ?11.
000! (CHEERING) Well done.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Jamie, our Celebrity Squares - thank you, Squares - (CHEERING) and to you at home for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Good night.
(CHEERING) And here's who will be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares
Let's meet our Squares.
He's always in our corner, it's comedian Tim Vine.
Corrie's favourite, Antony Cotton.
He's fuzzy and funny, it's Joe Wilkinson.
From Loose Women - Andrea McLean, Kaye Adams and Nadia Sawalha.
He's all teeth and no gums, comedian Rob Beckett.
Hoping to bowl us over, it's cricketing legend Freddie Flintoff.
He's absolutely hal-arious, it's Hal Cruttenden.
Olympic gold medallist and BBC commentator Denise Lewis.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's Keith Lemon.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What a great-looking bunch.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello! Welcome, Keith.
You're in our centre square.
Yeah, what does that mean? It means you're quite important.
YES! So I take it, judging from that, you're happy to be on Celebrity Squares? YES! (LAUGHTER) You're sandwiched between Denise Lewis and the Loose Women, is this a dream for you? Yes, I've always dreamed of being on top of loose women.
It wasn't like this.
It was different, but I won't say what it was like in the dream.
Otherwise it'll just get cut out because it'll be too rude, but it's a nice feeling.
Hi, girls! ALL: Hi! Hi girl! Hi.
Yeah, it's nice.
I've met you before.
Indeed we have met before.
And I've watched you on films.
Have you? Yeah.
What's your favourite film I've been in? (LAUGHTER) Er, Willow.
Do the voice of Willow now.
Oh, um, 'Don't call me a peck.
' Sounds like Willow, doesn't it, when he does it? You haven't lost it, it's still there.
I tell you what, when I was on my way here today Yeah.
I imagined you as like a tall person.
Oh, yeah.
And it just wasn't right.
It wasn't right.
It was like my whole world went wrong.
Keith, thanks for being here.
Keith Lemon, everyone.
Thanks.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We've met our celebrity squares.
Now let's meet tonight's contestants.
Representing the noughts, we have Audrey.
Tell our squares about yourself.
Hello, Squares.
ALL: Hello, Audrey! I'm Audrey, I'm 31, I'm a freelancer web editor and I'm from London.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Lovely.
Now, Audrey, you say you do web editing, what sort of websites do you edit? Fashion websites.
I've been working in fashion for ten years.
What do you think of my fashion? I think you look absolutely suave and stunning.
Yes, I'm wearing a Toys R Us.
Brilliant.
Spot on trend.
What do you think of our celebrities' fashion? Anyone that stands out? They all look gorgeous.
I really like Denise's top.
You like that top? Yeah.
And I think Joe looks rather suave in his bow tie.
Spot on.
And beards are in right now so he's bang on trend.
Hang on a minute, you just said he looks suave.
Yes.
Are you short-sighted? I am actually.
You are? (LAUGHTER) Lovely to meet you.
Thank you.
Audrey, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see who you're facing tonight.
Representing the crosses, we have Jamie.
Introduce yourself to our Squares.
Hello, Squares.
ALL: Hello, Jamie! KEITH: JAMIE! (LAUGHTER) I'm Jamie, I'm 29, I'm a university placements officer from Bath.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to the show, Jamie.
Now, if you win tonight - you're going to win some cash whatever happens - what are you going to spend it on? I'd really like to get some guitar lessons.
Really? Yeah.
I hear you're also planning a wedding at the moment.
That's right.
If you put a bit towards that that'd be diplomatic.
The guitar's gonna come first and the wedding maybe after.
(LAUGHTER) But you're engaged to this young lady.
I am yes, yep.
We got engaged last year.
And how did that go? We went to the Shard.
Had a bit of difficulty in the security gate - I nearly got found out with my engagement ring - and then I found out at the top that she was scared of heights as well.
Oh.
But we went to see our favourite show, Phantom of the Opera, and I proposed on stage to her.
Aw, that's lovely, that's lovely.
Thank you, Jamie, good luck.
Good luck to you both.
Our contestants, everyone.
So, here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row - either up and down like this across like that or diagonally like this.
I'll ask our celebrities general knowledge questions.
Our contestants need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If they make the right decision, they'll take that square.
If not, the square goes to their opponent.
For each square our contestants take they'll win ?50.
Win a game and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
So, that's the rules done, let's start with game one.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Jamie, you won the coin toss backstage so you get to go first.
I'll go with Keith Lemon, please.
Keith.
Hello! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's your question, Keith.
Which film had the largest-ever make-up budget? Do I give you a real answer or a fake one? (LAUGHTER) You say what you think the answer is.
I know the answer.
You know the answer? I know about films.
You need to give Jamie your answer then.
Jamie, the answer is the 1968 version of Planet of the Apes, comparatively.
(LAUGHTER) Ha, yes! See, you think I didn't know that, but I did.
(LAUGHTER) So, Jamie - Jamie, that's a fact.
I think I'll disagree.
Ohh.
You're wrong to disagree.
So nought gets the square.
It was Planet of the Apes.
The hairstyling was done by Vidal Baboon.
(LAUGHTER) Audrey, your turn.
I think I will go withTim Vine, please.
(APPLAUSE) Hello, Tim Vine.
Brenda, hold my calls.
Warwick, how are you? Very well, thank you, Tim.
Yes.
Now, you're a comedian.
Write that down, viewers.
Are you OK up there? How are you with heights? I'm not afraid of heights, actually, I'm afraid of widths.
Talking of ailments, I went to the doctors.
I'm on anti-barn-dance pills at the moment.
I'm not allowed to exceed the stated do-si-do-sage.
Ring me whenever you want, Brenda.
Tim.
Yes.
In which country would you find the world's deepest underwater, postbox? I think it might be somewhere somewhere where they do a lot of scuba diving etc.
So I think it might be somewhere like Egypt.
In fact, I'm pretty sure of this.
I went to an Egyptian shop I said, 'Can I buy a glyphic?' He said, 'No, you can only hire-a-glyphic.
' (LAUGHTER) That's my answer, Audrey, and I'm certain of it.
Egypt.
-Audrey, do you agree or disagree with that? I think I'll have to disagree, I'm afraid.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
The answer was Japan.
Jamie, your turn.
I'll go with Rob Beckett, please.
Hello, Rob.
Hello, mate.
You all right? Yes, thank you.
You're like a cheeky chappy sat down there.
Yeah.
I'm glad I'm on here cos it proves that we don't share a mouth.
I'm all conscious now.
I can't smile any more.
It don't stop me, mate.
Just plough through it.
What do your mum and dad make of you being on Celebrity Squares? My dad said, 'You're a celebrity? Do me a favour.
' That's what he said.
I told my mum and she said, 'I haven't seen that for years, have I?' I was like, 'I don't know.
I'm not you.
' Do you have a recollection of the show in the past? No, cos last time it was on I think I was about eight.
Yeah.
But I've got the gist.
Have you? Yeah, it's celebrities in squares.
That's what it is.
Yeah, so, I'm nailing it so far.
Any further, I'm just gonna have to wing it.
Right, here's your question.
What? You've got to answer some questions.
No-one told me that.
(LAUGHTER) I'll be all right though.
Right.
What is the name of pop duo Jedward's album? I saw it in a shop and it had reduced-to-clear on it.
I think it's Is it Double Trouble? It's something like that, Double Trouble, cos they're twins.
I don't know if that seems quite right.
I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
It was called Planet Jedward.
Planet Jedward is dense, shows no signs of intelligent life and isn't in a galaxy far, far enough away for my liking.
Audrey, your turn.
I think I'll go with Joe Wilkinson, please.
(APPLAUSE) Hello, Joe.
Hello.
(LAUGHTER) Have you been busy today? What's going on? Er, just been preparing for the show.
How do you prepare? What do you do? -Clean my teeth.
Er, did my bikini line.
What's it like being so close to the Loose Women there? I like it.
I like it a lot.
ANDREA: You have beautiful hair.
I know.
I know.
You know that we can come at you from behind here.
I think I just made that up in my head.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna wake up, aren't I? I'm gonna wake up in the bus depot again, I know it.
I wanna leave now cos I don't think we're gonna top that.
Joe, here's your question.
According to a recent study one in eight men said they would wear their underwear up to how many times before washing them? (LAUGHTER) Feel free to be personal about it.
This is er a lot of pressure, girls.
You'll realise when it's your turn.
What are you doing? -Oh, 'ey! I'm just gonna have a sniff.
(SNIFFS) That kind of usually happens the other way around as well.
To be honest with you, I do wash my thongs quite regularly so I'm gonna say maximum .
.
two days.
Two.
Twice.
I think I'll agree.
You're wrong to agree.
So cross gets the square.
The answer was three.
I've had a favourite pair of pants for years.
It's fair to say I'm sticking to them.
(LAUGHTER) Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for Loose Women for the win, please? Yay! You can, indeed.
Yes, you can Jamie.
Hello, ladies.
Lovely to have you here.
Thank you.
Have we got the three smartest Loose Women with us? There's three of us? It's taken three of our brains to equal one of any of these.
Yes.
It's quite a low bar.
-Well, and the wittiest.
We were available.
You were just available.
By default you're here.
That's good.
And the most gorgeous.
The most gorgeous? You look gorgeous from here.
I can see everything.
Here we go, ladies.
This is for the win.
No pressure.
Can I say I bet Jamie changes them every day? Yeah.
Every day.
I think they like you, Jamie.
We do.
Here we go.
He's not married yet.
Watch out he might take you up the Shard.
(LAUGHTER) Hang on a minute.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Right, ladies, here we go.
In the computer world, the floppy disk, which was developed in the late '60s, was originally how big in inches? That depends how floppy it was really.
(LAUGHTER) Don't you think? -I've still got my computer that had floppy disks.
Don't admit that, for God's sake.
Let's go for eight.
Eight sounds like a good number.
Eight.
Have confidence, Jamie.
Trust me.
Eight inches, Jamie.
We're smarter than we look.
I might disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
The answer was eight inches.
Audrey, your turn.
I'll have to go with Denise Lewis for the win, please.
(APPLAUSE) Hi, Audrey.
Denise Lewis.
Welcome, Denise.
Hello.
Lovely to have you here.
-Thank you.
-You are an Olympic gold medallist.
If I ever won a gold medal I'd never take it off.
Do you wear it out and about? -Well, actually, Warwick, if Ooh.
Ahh.
So you've won a gold, a silver Yes.
Have you ever been tempted to slow down a bit to get a bronze? Cos, as I understand it, on Antiques Road show a full set's worth a lot more.
You might want to think about that.
Well, I'll bear that in mind.
Right, here we go, Denise.
Your question is What was the first name of the James Bond villain, Goldfinger? Ooh, now Gold? Interesting.
He's called Goldfinger, so his first name's Gold, innit? ANTONY: Brian.
No.
Was it Derek? No.
Derek? Derek Goldfinger.
We're not allowed to confer.
This is my question.
You're confusing Denise.
This is my question.
I'm a big James Ban um Bond fan and Obviously.
(LAUGHTER) Can't even say his name.
.
.
and I thinkI think the villain's name was Sebastian.
That's what I think.
Right, Audrey.
Do you know Bond? No.
Probably better than Denise does.
Probably.
Um, Sebastian Goldfinger.
I Seb for short.
Seb.
OK.
I think I'll have to agree.
You're wrong to agree, so cross gets the square.
His name was Auric.
Jamie, your turn.
I'll go for Hal Cruttenden, please.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome, Hal.
Hello.
Lovely to be here.
Great to have you here.
You're a stand-up comedian.
Yes.
So, being a stand up comedian, can you still be funny sitting down? No.
Ah.
Right, here we go, Hal.
Your question is Bethlehem is twinned with which city in the UK? We're looking for a city with a virgin then? Where does Ann Widdecombe live? No.
(LAUGHTER) Ohh! What? Was that too spicy? I think it's somewhere quite religious.
I would sayI would say it's probably Canterbury.
I'll agree.
You're wrong to agree.
Nought gets the square.
The answer was Glasgow.
Glasgow was more than happy to be twinned with Bethlehem as they thought they may share the secret of turning water into wine or, better still, water into whisky.
(LAUGHTER) Audrey, your turn.
I'll go with Antony Cotton, please.
Hey! Yeah.
(APPLAUSE) If you take this square it means you win the game as you'll have five squares on the board and your opponent can't complete a line.
Hello, Antony Cotton.
How are you? Great.
Lovely to have you here.
Thank you.
We've got Hal on the show.
Yes.
What's it like to be the second campest man in the room for a change? Well, I'm normally the campest man.
He's quite camp.
(DEEP VOICE) No, I'm not.
He's quite camp.
(LAUGHTER) He's camp in a much more vulgar way though.
(DEEP VOICE) No, I'm not.
No, I am not.
Antony, we know you from Coronation Street.
Yes.
Out of this lot, who would you take for a drink in the Rovers? Freddie, definitely.
Freddie Flip-Flop.
Why? Because once, randomly, I had a birthday party and Freddie turned up.
That was the first time we'd ever met.
Do you remember that? Yeah, I was the stripper.
That would have been brilliant.
Um, probably Freddie.
Or Keith maybe.
Well, I've been in t'Rovers.
You have.
I did a scene in Corrie but they cut it out.
We did a pretend scene and told him it was going to be on and it was never going to be on.
Yeah.
It was unshowable cos he was so rude to Michelle Keegan.
I was not.
I did Corrie acting and everything.
But you were rude.
'I've bought the booze in.
' You said rude words.
I didn't.
He said the rudest thing, which I won't say here.
He once said the rudest thing I've ever heard in my life.
But I say rude things in jest.
He says rude things for real.
So that is really rude.
I say it just to get a reaction but he says rude things for real, so that's ruder.
I'm not saying what it was.
I just say rude things to you so you go, 'Ohhh!' (APPLAUSE) Right, here's your question.
What is generally missing from a Manx cat? Missing? Missing.
What's missing from a Manx cat? I completely 100% know the answer to this cos I have a wild one that lives near my house that greets me every night when I come home from work and it has no tail.
I will have to agree with Antony.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square, the game and the bonus of ?500.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Audrey.
Let's see your totals so far.
After the first game (READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a mystery prize.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! I know.
Be there and be square.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with more big names than the Icelandic phone book.
Earlier we met Audrey from London and Jamie from Bath.
Before we get back to the game.
Freddie Flintoff, good to have you here.
Cheers, Warwick.
So you've come back out of retirement.
Is that because you love cricket so much? No, it just gets me out the house.
(LAUGHTER) I enjoy sitting at home watching Loose Women and Jeremy Kyle.
ALL: Yay! Thank you.
What do you most like about cricket? How's it going? It fills time.
You know, I enjoy standing in a field for hours on end rubbing my balls.
It's it's it's amazing.
I read that in coming out of retirement you got a new arrangement that when you appear on the field again you get a pound for everyone that comes to see you.
It has been rumoured but this is probably the biggest audience I've played in front of, being a cricketer.
If it was a pound for each member I'd probably get about 38 quid a match.
We've got a similar arrangement here on Celebrity Squares.
So I've got a hat here.
Brilliant.
Everyone in the audience, if you've come here specifically to see Freddie stick a quid in here and we'll see what's in there later on.
All right? (LAUGHTER) Fantastic.
Thank you very much.
Freddie Flintoff.
Right, it's now time for game two.
Which works just like game one, except hidden out there is a mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
It's now time to release the squares.
For you at home, here's who it is.
Right, Jamie, you're playing catch-up so you get to go first.
I'll go with Keith Lemon again, please.
Hi, Jamie.
Hello.
(MUSICAL ALERT) (LAUGHTER) Well done, Jamie.
You found the mystery square.
Keith, from under your desk, please can you reveal the prize that Jamie will be playing for.
You're playing for a mirror.
Ahhhh! (LAUGHTER) Get this right, Jamie, and you won't be able to put the mirror down.
Courtesy of Red Letter Days you can look as bang tidy as Keith, with your own personal shopper in a major department store.
OK, here's your question, Keith.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary where would you find your wenis? (LAUGHTER) Near your westicles.
Um, the wenis? Yes.
Have you said it wrong? (LAUGHTER) That's what it is.
Wenis? Is that a real thing? It is.
Where is it on your body? It's on your body? Yep.
On my lower half? (LAUGHTER) I'm not going to say.
I want your opinion on where you might find a wenis.
In the magical zone.
(LAUGHTER) It's low down somewhere, I expect.
On your foot.
Your foot.
How's a wenis on your foot? (LAUGHTER) Are you saying it right? I'm saying it right.
That's how you pronounce it.
Are you taking your initial and putting it on front of another word that begins with a P? Wenis? Yes.
There's no such thing a wenis.
You're saying it wrong.
Listen, this is a fact.
You have one, I have one.
Do the Loose Women have one? We need an answer from you, Keith.
Where is your wenis? I in my eye.
Eye.
No! Eye? No? No.
Oh.
In me er A place where you would find your wenis.
What's it do? Hit me with it.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) If I hit you with it, would you like it? Wenis.
Is it a bone? It's not a bone, is it? Keith, where would you find your wenis? Oh, underneath the stairs.
Underneath t'stairs? Is that a metaphor for summat else? Well, because of the time that we're on, underneath the stairs.
Would that be your answer? No.
My wenis is in my bottom.
Yes? Yes.
My wenis is in my bottom.
Jamie, do you agree or disagree? I think I'll disagree.
Jamie, where's your wenis then? Do you know where your wenis is? No.
Where do you think your wenis is? Um - Don't say in Warwick's bottom.
(APPLAUSE) Jamie, surprisingly you're right to disagree.
So cross gets the square.
Your wenis is the excess skin around your elbow.
Which makes Donatella Versace look like a giant wenis.
(LAUGHTER) Audrey, your turn.
I think I will go with Rob Beckett, please.
All right, Rob, here's your question.
True or false - every 98 minutes a new word is created in the English language? Well, after we've just had wenis, that's a yes, innit? It's got to be true.
I will have to .
.
disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
It's true.
A new word is created every 98 minutes.
I find that fact shulugrafying.
Jamie.
Can I go with Tim Vine for the win, please? You can.
OK, Jamie, here we go.
According to a 2013 study, what did 38% of pensioners say gave them the most pleasure in life? Squat thrusts.
I think it could be grandchildren.
Grandparents love their grandchildren.
That's the thing they like the best.
Grandchildren.
I'm certain of it.
I think it's be something like gardening.
I'll disagree.
Mm.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and wins that game plus the bonus of ?500.
Congratulations.
Yes, the answer was gardening.
My nan would spend hours in the garden.
I found that a tent is way cheaper than a retirement home.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
(READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, it's time for game three .
.
which we've called Square Essentials.
The squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestants will agree if they think it's the truth and disagree if they think they're telling a porky.
Now, you're playing catch-up, Audrey, so you get to go first.
I will go with Keith Lemon, please.
Hello.
Hello.
Keith, let's - Audrey, hello! Let's hear your square essential.
What read what's on here or just say an actual fact? Have you gotta guess if it's true or false? You would've written down one earlier.
No, I didn't.
So if you Just do - Did everyone else do that? I didn't get told to write anything down.
Do the - You've got one there.
But that's not true.
Turn the paper over.
(LAUGHTER) She has to decide whether it's true or not.
So you say it - But that's not out of my mind.
Antony, thank you for your help.
Say that one.
Right.
I hold the world record for the most lemons caught whilst being blindfolded, whilst being thrown by Gino D'Acampo on the programme This Morning.
(LAUGHTER) That's false.
It's true.
It's false.
It's true! Cos I beat it.
No, you didn't.
I did.
I beat it with Steve Harmison.
Is it in t'book of world records? Yeah, I've got the certificate.
I've got a certificate.
I've got a certificate.
I can go and bring it.
Gino's got one too.
OK, I hold the record for pulling the most Christmas crackers within a minute.
(LAUGHTER) Have I got this wrong? I'm telling you t'truths.
I'm sure you are, Keith.
I once made love to David Hasselhoff.
That's true! Tell Audrey the one you told me earlier on.
I have a waxwork of myself at Madame Tussauds in Blackpool.
(LAUGHTER) Audrey, do you agree or disagree with that? I'll have to disagree.
Cheers, Audrey.
You're wrong to disagree.
It is true.
So cross gets the square.
Tell us about that, Keith.
Well, it's very nice.
My hair's a bit different now cos it was a few years ago.
I've had it cut.
I've got like a graduated bob I think it's described as.
Have you not got one? I haven't.
They could make mine out of a bit of leftover, couldn't they? Right, Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for the Loose women, please? ALL: Aw! Thank you.
OK, ladies, let's hear your square essential.
Every Wednesday the Loose Women agree that we will all wear pink underwear.
That's put a terrible image in his head.
He's traumatised, poor boy.
I think I'll disagree with that.
That's a bit weird.
Weird? Us? Nothing weird about that.
You're right to disagree.
So cross gets the square.
Yes, of course, everyone knows Wednesday is blue pants day.
Audrey, your turn.
Denise Lewis for the block, please.
OK, um Thank you, Denise.
I own shares in a racehorse.
I would have to agree.
You're right to agree.
So nought gets the square and the block.
So, Denise, have you had any winners yet? I have, actually.
Have you? My first year.
I was very lucky.
My horse came through in her maiden race and won.
Very nice.
That's lovely, that's lovely.
Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for Joe Wilkinson, please? I, on the first day of a job, while I was being shown round, I got shown all the good places to secretly have a nap.
(LAUGHTER) I'll agree with that.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
Joe.
You look a bit like Al Pacino.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you.
It's all right.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I said you had nice hair.
Ah, you've been duped.
That's now the nicest thing.
That's second nicest thing.
I'm having the day of my life.
(LAUGHTER) So, Joe, what sort of job was that you were doing? I worked in a factory.
Right.
And, genuinely, the man who showed me around was electronically tagged.
Audrey, your turn.
Hal Cruttenden, please.
Hal, now you're sat next to Denise who's an Olympian.
Are you a fan of sports? Oh, I am a fan of sports.
My dad wanted me to be a bit more of a fan of sports.
When I was about five he took me to see QPR.
They beat Everton 5-0, they went top of the old First Division and my dad said, 'What do you think about that, son?' I said, 'The hoops, such a brave fashion statement.
' He was like, 'Oh, my God.
' It's hard with this voice to support football or rugby teams.
(CAMP VOICE) 'Come on, boys, get stuck in.
' It doesn't have the same impact.
Is that Keith laughing at me? (CACKLES) He's quite frightening, isn't he? It's like a little scary Joker in the middle, could get anywhere.
These squares are not sealed so, be aware, he may move amongst them.
Yeah, I might climb up and give you a kiss.
Right, here we go, Hal.
Let's hear your square essential.
My name is short for Halifax.
(LAUGHTER) I would have to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
Well done.
I wish it was.
Hal's name is also not short for halitosis, halloumi or Halle Berry.
Jamie.
I'll go for Rob Beckett for the win, please.
OK.
My favourite drink is squash.
(LAUGHTER) I'll agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square, wins that game and the bonus of ?500.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
Rob, is it true that you don't like tea or coffee? Tea and coffee's a conspiracy.
(LAUGHTER) Everyone loves tea and coffee cos it's the only thing that gets offered.
If you go round, 'Do you want tea or coffee?' 'No, I want squash.
' (LAUGHTER) I think if squash was in the mix, I reckon that would be the big hitter.
That's my conspiracy about tea and coffee.
Some people go Roswell.
Tea and coffee, that's my conspiracy.
Lovely.
Right, let's have a look at your totals so far.
(READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Three when there's more cash up for grabs.
And somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares or, as I like think of it, Noughts and Crosses: X-treme.
(LAUGHTER) Squares, how are you doing? Good.
Going well.
Yesss! Freddie, the hat has come back.
Good.
It's been passed round the audience.
We've got all sorts in here.
There's not a lot of cash.
We've got some some shoelace, a cigarette, a biscuit.
There's all sorts of stuff.
Staples.
People have just basically emptied their pockets for you.
I actually, I thought you forgot I was here.
Bless you.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
I feel like the fat kid at football.
We don't get picked.
I've not done owt.
It's the easiest one I've earned.
(APPLAUSE) It's like playing cricket.
It's better.
At least I get to sit down and do nowt.
I'm inside.
It's warm.
It's nice.
Pick us, Jamie, come on.
Let's see.
You might get some action in the next game.
Now it's time for our next game four (APPLAUSE) .
.
which we call Square Miles.
Hidden out there we have another mystery square.
If a contestant finds it they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
The next square you could be visiting is the Piazza di Spagna in Rome.
You could enjoy a Roman holiday as you explore the sights before relaxing at the Oxford Hotel courtesy of British Airways Holidays.
(APPLAUSE) How lovely.
Right, now it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, here is the mystery square.
Audrey, you're playing catch-up so you get to go first.
I'll go with Freddie Flintoff, please.
Yay! (CHEERING) Here you go, Freddie.
What do I do? What type of bread takes its name from the Italian word for slipper? Don't know.
(LAUGHTER) Worth waiting for.
I'm from Lancashire.
If I was from Yorkshire I'd probably be inter-bread.
Eh, hey! What breads are there? There's focaccia.
Sunblest.
Yeah.
And ciabarrta.
I'll go with ciabarrta.
Say what? Ciabarrta.
Is that a bread? Ciabarrta.
Ciabarrta.
Is that how you say it? Ciabarrta.
How many Rs are you putting in that? It's a rolling R.
It's ciarrbarrta.
Audrey, Freddie says 'ciabarrta'.
I have to disagree.
Audrey, you're wrong.
You're wrong Audrey.
You're wrong to disagree.
So cross gets the square.
Yes, it is ciabatta.
I know ciabatta very well having starred alongside him and Han Solo in Return of the Jedi.
(LAUGHTER) Jamie, your turn.
Keith Lemon, please.
Keith, here's your question.
Destinee Hooker represents the USA in which sport? Is it a female sport? (LAUGHTER) Which sport? Is it wakeboarding? (LAUGHTER) What's so That's a sport, innit, wakeboarding? Is that your answer? No, it's golf.
Basketball.
Basketball? Yeah, basketball.
OK.
Jamie, what do you think? I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
The answer is volleyball.
Oh! Volleyball is very popular in nudist camps.
Which is surprising.
If I had no clothes on the last people I'd want to see are the ones who love hitting balls at 80mph.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Audrey, your turn.
Antony Cotton Yay! for the block, please.
Antony, in which month of the year, is the earth closest to the sun? I thinkI think I know this.
And I think it's the opposite of when you think it would be because it's about the sun.
But I have a feeling that the correct answer is January.
How many times did you touch your nose? I don't know.
I'd have to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, it was January.
Now that square's back in open play.
If you look at the tans on people from Essex you'd be forgiven for thinking it was all year round.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Jamie, your turn.
Antony Cotton for the win, please.
No pressure.
This is for the win.
Warm that nose up, Antony.
Two fingers I reckon for this one.
Here we go, Antony.
Right, I'm ready.
According to recent research, on a car journey it takes roughly 33 minutes before what happens? You have to wee in a Pot Noodle cup? My mum made me do that in Blackpool.
She wouldn't let us get out the car.
Probably tasted nicer, didn't it? Did you fill it? Er, I can't remember that detail, but we weren't allowed to get out going to see the illuminations.
So we had to do a wee and the only thing in the car was from the journey going.
My brother had had a Pot Noodle, so we had to wee in the Pot Noodle cup.
I think the social services would be called nowadays.
But I would imagine it's before you have an argument surely.
I'll agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square, wins that game and the bonus of ?500.
My wife and kids are always falling out.
I must get some passenger doors fitted.
But neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Rob you'd have been playing for the holiday in Rome.
Right, let's have a look at your totals so far.
(READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now it's time for game five, the Double Square game.
We are doubling the money for every square won.
They are now worth ?100 each and for winning the game there's a bonus of ?1.
000.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Now, Audrey, you're playing catch-up.
Remember, this is the double-money round, so you've still got a chance of catching Jamie.
Where would you like to go? I'd like to start with Tim Vine.
Audrey, why not? Here's your question, Tim.
Yes.
If I'd given you a psyche knot, what would you have? Well, um, you've done the right thing choosing me, Audrey, for this cos this is something I know a bit about.
A psyche knot is not to be confused with anything to do with ropes.
This is to do with trees.
It's the sort of knot you get in a tree.
Do you know, I collect trees.
The other day I lost my tree so I nailed a picture of it to a dog.
The answer is, Audrey, it's the knot in a piece of wood.
I would have to agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So cross gets the square.
It was a Victorian hairstyle.
Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for Denise Lewis, please? Of course you can.
Here we go, Denise.
Which Italian dessert translates into English as 'pick me up'? Pick me up, pick me up.
Pick me up You'd think something that's got a coffee base, wouldn't you? Yeah? So how about tiramisu? I'll disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, I'm afraid.
So nought gets the square.
The answer was tiramisu.
Audrey, your turn.
Keith Lemon, please.
Hello, Audrey.
Hello, Keith.
Keith, the name of which food comes from an old German word for buttock? Sausage.
(LAUGHTER) No, not sausage.
(LAUGHTER) Bacon.
Egg? (LAUGHTER) Mushrooms.
Beans? (LAUGHTER) You're just listing a full English breakfast.
Yeah.
Bacon.
Bacon.
Bacon? Bacon.
You're going with bacon.
All right, Audrey.
I'll have to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, it was bacon.
Ha, ha, ha! Cross gets the square.
Although I doubt many people would like to order a toasted bum sandwich for breakfast.
Jamie, your turn.
Can I go for Rob Beckett for the win, please? Rob.
In which Jane Austen novel would you find both of the characters Mr Pratt and Fanny? Mr Pratt and Fanny? Yep.
Sounds like something my dad calls me and my brother.
I'm not a big Jane Austen fan, I'll be honest.
I know Emma.
That's a book she's done, innit? Is it? So you're going with Emma? Yeah.
I think.
I think that's one of her books.
Do you read books? My partner's a huge Jane Austen fan so she'll kill me if I get it wrong, but I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and wins that game plus the bonus of ?1.
000.
The answer was Sense and Sensibility.
Now I've read about Mr Pratt but I have to admit I've never seen Jane Austen's Fanny'.
Let's reveal the contestant with the most cash, who's going through to our final game.
(READS TOTALS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Jamie, you're going through to our final game.
Well done.
How do you feel? Really excited.
Excellent.
Unfortunately, Audrey, we have to say goodbye to you, but have you had fun? Yes, I have, thank you.
Fantastic.
You'll be taking home ?700.
Enjoy spending the money you've won tonight.
Audrey, everyone! Thank you.
(CHEERING) Join us in Part Four when Jamie could walk away with that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anywhere! (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Jamie has made it through to our final game - Question Line.
Congratulations on making it this far.
Thank you.
How do you feel? Really excited to get going.
I can't believe I'm here.
You mentioned earlier that you might spend some of your winnings on a guitar.
Yes.
Now, what sort of guitar might you like to buy? I don't know whether to go for electric or acoustic, but if I win I could maybe get both.
I see.
You've got someone here who might disagree with you spending that much money on a guitar.
Your fiancee's here.
What's her name? That's Amy.
She's probably going to expect quite a nice wedding.
Yes.
Yeah.
What have you got planned? Well, a nice church wedding.
I think she's got kind of a big wedding in mind, really.
Big cars You could do something sort of noughts and crosses theme.
Yes, yep.
Keith could come along as well.
Yeah, I've got this mirror, you won this mirror.
Imagine it, you're at the altar.
The vicar says.
'Do you take this woman? I agree or disagree?' Good luck.
We're all on your side here.
Thank you.
And wishing you the best of luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
Here's your line of questioning You have Tim Vine, Denise Lewis and Hal Cruttenden.
And here are their subjects.
Which category would you like? I think I might actually go for William Shakespeare.
Why've you gone for that? I'm hoping it's plays that he's written.
So you know a lot about that? I could probably get a few.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I hope so.
Good luck! Thank you.
Here we go.
Hal was named after Prince Hal in the Shakespeare play Henry V.
I need you to name other Shakespeare plays that also feature in the complete works of Shakespeare.
Plays with more than one part only count as one answer.
You have 30 seconds to light as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you ?1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Now, remember, you have to wait for me to say yes or no before you move on to your next answer.
OK.
Are you ready? Yes.
Your time starts now.
The Tempest.
Yes.
The Taming of the Shrew.
Yes.
Much Ado About Nothing.
Yes.
A Comedy of Errors.
Yes.
Romeo and Juliet.
Yes.
The Merchant of Venice.
Yes.
Henry IV.
Yes.
Henry III.
No.
Henry VI.
Yes.
Henry VII.
No.
(Come on.
) Um Come on.
Gosh.
Um (TIME'S-UP HOOTER) ALL: Ohhh! So close, Jamie, so close.
Well done.
Thank you.
-You could have had Henry VIII there.
-Ohh! I was willing you on.
But, anyway, you lit eight squares which gives you ?8.
000.
(CHEERING) Thank you very much.
Let's add that ?8.
000 to the money you've already won to give you a total of ?11.
000! (CHEERING) Well done.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Jamie, our Celebrity Squares - thank you, Squares - (CHEERING) and to you at home for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Good night.
(CHEERING) And here's who will be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares