Celebrity Squares (2014) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
Hello! I'm Warwick Davis and this is Celebrity Squares, where we're packed to the rafters with some of the biggest celebrities around.
I'll be honest, they're ALL pretty bit to me.
So let's meet them! He's the king of one-liners - Tim Vine.
From the cobbles of Coronation Street, it's Jimi Mistry.
Bearded funny man, Joe Wilkinson.
Champion heptathlete, Louise Hazel.
From a land down under, and The Last Leg, it's Adam Hills.
The delightful Christine Bleakley.
From Snog Marry Avoid?.
.
-I know what I would do - .
.
it's comedian, Ellie Taylor.
He's responsible for many great bands, and Jedward, it's Louis Walsh.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's Jonathan Ross.
Hello, there.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello, squares! ALL: Hello, Warwick! Wow, what a lovely looking bunch.
Thank you for being here tonight.
Jonathan, lovely to see you.
Lovely to see you, Warwick.
Obviously a big fan of your chat show.
What's it like to be surrounded by actual celebrities? Hold on.
(LAUGHTER) Seeing as you've been on my show, you shouldn't ask that question.
Oh, yes.
Twice.
That's how hard up we were.
(LAUGHS) So have you had any of this lot on? I know I've had Christine.
(CHEERING) Not on the show.
You're ahead of me - you're making up your own jokes! Of course, Louis has been there.
Everyone loves Louis Walsh.
Although I've never seen him from this angle before, and if I were you, Louis, I'd see a doctor cos you're meant to have two of those.
(LAUGHTER) I can just see the one leg.
Well, thank you very much.
Welcome to you all.
Our celebrities, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Now let's meet tonight's contestants.
Representing the noughts, we have Kath.
Hello, squares.
ALL: Hello, Kath.
I'm Kath, I'm 51, I'm a life and business coach from Lancashire.
Wow.
(APPLAUSE) So, Kath, you say you're a life coach, which is interesting.
Now, I'm not saying I do, but if I were to need any life coaching, what would you say to me? What sort of things? I would give you advice about your life - whatever direction you wanted to go in next, I would help you get there.
Would you? Yeah.
Very nice of you.
And I believe you have a connection with one of our celebrities.
Mother! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) A very tenuous connection with Louis Walsh.
Oh? -AUDIENCE: Ooh! -Tell us more.
-Tell.
I auditioned for The X Factor once.
And what happened? It was a very local one and I didn't get through to the next stage.
So I didn't see you or hear you.
No.
Oh.
You've had your chance, Louis.
(LAUGHTER) It's great to meet you.
Kath, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So, now let's meet who you're playing against tonight.
Representing the crosses, we have John.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Welcome to the show, John.
Hello, squares.
ALL: Hi, John.
I'm John, I'm 31, I'm a health and fitness instructor from Cardiff.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So, you're a fitness instructor.
Yes.
Now, I like to keep myself in shape as well.
Have you got any suggestions for exercises that I can do in the dressing room? I already do chin-ups on the towel rail.
(LAUGHTER) So is there anything else? Erm, press-ups.
Easy.
You don't even need equipment for that.
Sit-ups, things like that.
And you're also a model.
I do some part-time modelling.
I've done it for a few magazines and clothing ranges.
Joe, have you got any tips for John here? Do what I do.
Use your sex appeal, sleep you way to the top, mate.
(LAUGHTER) Easy.
Use it! (LAUGHTER) Thank you very much, John.
Our contestants, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So, here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row, Either up and down, like this.
Across, like that.
or diagonally, like this.
I'll ask our celebrities general knowledge questions.
Our contestants just need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If the contestant makes the right decision, they'll take that square.
If not, the square goes to their opponent.
For each square our contestants take, they win ?50.
Win a game, and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
So, that's the rules done, let's start with game one.
(APPLAUSE) So Kath, you won the coin toss backstage.
I did.
Which square would you like to start with? I'm gonna go with Joe Wilkinson.
(APPLAUSE) Are you excited to be here? Look at all these celebrities! (LAUGHTER) Yeah.
I recognise that one.
(LAUGHTER) That's my favourite.
Is it? Yep.
So what have you seen them in? -Here.
(LAUGHTER) Here you go, here's your question.
According to the Guinness Book of Records, what type of animal is the most fearless on the planet? Erm, fearless animal.
I've got a duck who's very sure of himself.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
Pretty brave fellow.
He does a lot of swimming.
Erm, a little bit of taekwondo.
Um, but I think he's the exception to the rule.
(LAUGHTER) Well, I'm gonna go classic.
I'm gonna go lion, cos they don't seem that bothered about stuff.
OK, Kath, do you agree or disagree with Joe's answer, lion? Well, I'm gonna agree.
-Really? -You were wrong to agree, so cross gets the square.
(AUDIENCE GROANS SYMPATHETICALLY) The answer was the honey badger.
OK, John, your turn.
Please choose a square.
I'll go with Jonathan Ross.
(APPLAUSE) Here's your question, John.
Two independent studies have found that women find men more attractive if they're holding what instrument? Ooh! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I'm tempted to say the honey badger.
(LAUGHTER) Which I didn't know even existed until about 30 seconds ago.
Women generally find men holding a certain instrument more attractive? Mm.
A piano would be impressive.
The woman would see that the man was strong, if not a little stupid.
No, I'm gonna go with something which I think is a lovely sound and would win a woman over.
I'm gonna go with a trombone.
(LAUGHTER) So Difficult one.
But I'm gonna disagree with that.
-What?! What, are you crazy?! (LAUGHTER) You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The right answer is, of course, a guitar.
OK, Kath, your turn.
Please choose a square.
Erm, Ellie Taylor.
This is for the block now.
Ellie, we know you from the very popular show, Snog Marry, Avoid? Or, as we like to call it, Jimmy, Jonathan and Joe.
(LAUGHTER) Now, on the show you try out various beauty treatments, don't you? Yep.
So, have you got any recommendations? For you? For me, yeah.
Yeah, for me.
I don't need anything, to be honest, but if I were to look a bit rough round the edges, what would I have? Are you a hairy man? Um, no.
No, smooth as silk.
(LAUGHTER) Are you sure? Women like a pruned man.
Everything's neat and tidy? Hang on.
Are we talking about this on national television? How did this happen? Are you really hairless, Warwick? You must look like a dolphin.
(LAUGHTER) It's a weird Have you got nothing below the neck? No hair at all? Listen, Jonathan, all the hair's in the right place.
There's no excess of it.
I don't have to tuck it in, OK? (LAUGHTER) I've got so much, I have to buy bigger pants now just to keep it in.
It's like a bin bag full of leaves.
(LAUGHTER) It's like Joe's face.
(LAUGHTER) Only a slightly bigger nose, if you know what I mean.
(LAUGHTER) No idea what you're talking about.
(LAUGHTER) Here we go, Ellie, here's your question.
If you were sat on a bone-shaker, what would you be doing? I don't know if that's a question or a chat-up line.
(LAUGHTER) I think I might know this.
so I'm gonna say a bicycle, Kath.
It is.
I'm gonna agree.
-You're right to agree.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Nought gets the square.
Those old-fashioned bikes were very uncomfortable to ride.
If you hit a pothole, you could buckle your penny farthing.
(LAUGHTER) OK, John, please choose a square.
-Erm, I think I'm gonna go with Louise Hazel.
(APPLAUSE) Louise.
Right.
OK, here's your question.
What is krumping? Spelled K-R-U-M-P-I-N-G.
Is it when you get a puncture on your bike and you start crying and pumping at the same time? (LAUGHTER) No? So krumping is a form of kind of urban street dance, where you just kind of get down, get low.
Joe will know what I mean.
He's a good krumper.
I've seen him krump a few times.
-That's why I'm electronically tagged.
(LAUGHTER) Right, John, what do you think about that? Erm, well, I've never heard of that before, so I'm gonna disagree.
Ooh.
You are wrong to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
Krumping IS a style of dance.
Not to be confused with twerking, which is a cry for help when a former Disney star is having a breakdown.
(LAUGHTER) Kath, over to you.
Please choose a square.
Erm, I'm going for my friend, Louis.
(APPLAUSE) So Louis, great news.
You're back on The X Factor as a judge.
Yeah! 11th 11 years.
What I love is, even though we keep asking him to retire, he keeps turning up to work.
(LAUGHTER) Now Louis, you're always known for having the group with the more eccentric acts.
You mean the crazy ones.
Yes.
And looking at our squares here, who would you probably have in your category? Oh, Jonathan.
-Really? -Definitely, yeah.
Cos he could sing with his lisp.
It'd be very interesting.
(LAUGHTER) What about Joe down here, though? I don't think so, no.
I want Jonathan.
(LAUGHTER) OK, let's do this.
Which Brit is famous for preserving animals in formaldehyde? Um, I would say Simon Cowell's make-up artist.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I really would.
But Kath, I actually do know the answer to this.
Erm, it's the famous artist, Damien Hirst.
I'm going to agree with Louis Walsh.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) John, over to you, sir.
Er, Tim Vine for the block, please.
(APPLAUSE) So Tim, you are a comedian.
Thank you.
(LAUGHTER) But you haven't always said funny things, have you? Not for the last ten minutes, certainly.
I haven't said anything.
(LAUGHTER) I did have a job, actually, helping out a one-armed typist whenever she wanted to do capital letters.
(LAUGHTER) It was, er It was shift work.
(LAUGHTER) And now, I'm trying to run a dating agency for chickens.
But it's a real struggling trying to make hens meet.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Right, Tim, here we go, sir.
In what game can you mate eight different ways in two moves? (LAUGHTER) Er, I think it might be it might be chess.
I once ate a chess set.
And I took it back to the shop.
I said, "It's stale, mate.
" (LAUGHTER) He said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Check, mate.
" (LAUGHTER) That's my answer, I think, John.
Chess.
Yeah, I agree with that.
I agree with Tim.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Kath, over to you.
Please choose a square.
I'm going to choose Adam Hills for the block.
Well, it's not really a block, is it, to be honest? Have you played this game before? Where are you blocking? Oh, I see! Yeah, sorry, love.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) You can laugh! I'm in control.
We'll just edit that out to make me look good.
(LAUGHTER) It's great to have you here.
Obviously, we know you over here for your great show, The Last Leg.
And we know you as a disabled presenter.
Right.
I just wonder, is it you who's nicked my parking space outside? (LAUGHTER) No, it was taken when I got here.
I took that.
It's my speech impediment.
(LAUGHTER) I'm allowed.
I'm allowed.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I think I'm allowed.
It's the speech impediment.
There is actually a category in the Paralympics for that now.
Really? -Yeah.
Or the Pawalympics, as it's known.
(LAUGHTER) OK, Adam, what would I most likely be banging if I had a peen in my hand? (LAUGHTER) It sounds like a Scottish biro.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Sorry about that, Jimmy, I'm just banging my pen.
(LAUGHTER) A drum.
I'm going to agree with that.
You are wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So nobody gets that square.
It is back in play, cos you have to take the deciding square yourself.
You would, in fact, be banging metal.
The peen is a type of hammer.
But somehow, MC Peen shouting "Peen time" didn't quite have the same ring to it.
John, please choose a square.
Adam Hills again for the win.
Here we go, then.
Let's do this, John.
-How many rings does Uranus have? (LAUGHTER) Come on! It's a sensible question.
This is one of those ones, John, that I Like, I'm thinking back to school.
Yeah.
And I think we all made jokes about Uranus.
It was the funniest thing.
"Oh, look up, you can see Uranus.
" But I don't ever remember anyone making a joke about the rings of Uranus.
(LAUGHTER) Which, as ten-year-olds, we definitely would have done.
(LAUGHTER) So I'm gonna say Uranus doesn't have any rings.
I'll agree with that.
You are wrong to agree.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) So, nought gets the square.
The answer is 13.
Although I always give Uranus three rings just to let it know I'm home safe.
(LAUGHTER) OK, Kath, please choose a square.
For the win, Christine Bleakley.
(APPLAUSE) Christine Bleakley.
Now, you're engaged.
Soon to be Mrs Lampard.
Which is lovely, yes? (APPLAUSE) Now, obviously with a wedding coming up there's lots to organise, things to sort out - the date.
I don't know if you've figured that out yet.
More or less.
You don't have to be specific, tell me a month and I'll block that out in the diary now.
No problem.
(LAUGHTER) So, here we go, Christine.
What would you do with a Jingling Johnny? (LAUGHTER) Well I'd tell him to put it away first.
(LAUGHTER) If you had a Jingling Johnny, I would move from here.
(LAUGHTER) Er, a Jingling Johnny.
Um, oddly enough, Kath, I do think I know this, because my dad's a musician and I think it's a musical instrument.
You would play it, I think.
-Right.
So Kath, do you agree or disagree with that answer? I'm going to agree with Christine.
-You are right to agree.
(APPLAUSE) Nought gets the square, wins the game.
Plus the bonus of ?500.
Well done.
Yes, a Jingling Johnny is a musical instrument.
I used to play with MY Jingling Johnny at school.
But they told me it'd make me go, er What's that say? Blind.
(LAUGHTER) OK, let's see your total so far.
Kath has ?650, and John has ?100.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Join us in Part Two, when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a mystery prize.
I know! Be there and be square.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with more famous people than a conga line at Jonathan Ross's birthday party.
(LAUGHTER) Before the break, we met Kath from Lancashire and John from Cardiff.
Now John, I've been told that you can do some quite impressive things with your mouth.
I can, yes, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) What do you do? Um, sound effects.
Sound effects? Yeah.
-What sort of things do you do? -Er, a police car, a fire extinguisher.
All right, so give us a police car.
OK.
(MAKES SIREN NOISE) (LAUGHTER) So when did you discover you had this skill? Erm, probably when I was in school.
I mean, I was rubbish at football, I couldn't play an instrument, but I thought: can I make the noise of a police car with my mouth? And you found out you couldn't.
Yeah, I'm rubbish at that as well.
(LAUGHTER) Kath, he's been showing off over here.
Have you got any special skills? I can juggle.
Can you? Well, it just so happens that I have three balls under my desk.
(LAUGHTER) There we are.
Would you care to demonstrate? That's it, right.
-OK.
Ooh! No.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Yes.
Very impressive (!) It's not really a skill, is it, though, dropping balls on the floor.
(LAUGHTER) Right, now it's time for game two.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Which works just like game one, except hidden out there is the mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square, they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
It's now time to release the squares.
For you at home, here's who it is.
So John, you're playing catch-up.
You get to choose first.
I'm gonna go with Tim Vine, please.
OK, straight off, here we go.
All right, Tim.
Yes.
Which common household condiment would you find 250 grams of in the average human body? Hm.
Um, I think it's You can probably tell by licking your skin.
There's a little bit of sort of a slightly salty taste to your skin, when you lick it.
I'm gonna say salt, John.
I'll agree with that.
You're right to agree.
It is salt.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Right, Kath, please choose a square.
Hm I'm going to go Louise Hazel, please.
Louise.
Mm.
You took a while to decide there.
Are you playing some sort of tactic here? I'm trying not to do the ordinary noughts and crosses.
If I was playing at home, I would go Jonathan Ross.
In the middle.
Right.
(LAUGHTER) But it IS a game of noughts and crosses.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, I know.
I want to be random.
You're pulling that off.
(LAUGHTER) Louise, here's your question.
What was special about the selfie uploaded to Instagram by Steve Swanson on the 7th of April, 2014? I think I know this one.
Was he the first guy to take the first underwater selfie? I think it was at the bottom of the sea.
I'm gonna agree with Louise.
You are wrong to agree.
So cross gets the square.
It was, in fact, the first Instagram posted from space.
People are always asking me to have selfies with them.
Oh, really? But they take the picture and all they get is a picture of them.
(LAUGHTER) If they're lucky, a wisp of hair.
(LAUGHTER) Right, john, please choose a square.
Erm, we haven't had him yet - Jimi Mistry, please.
Jimi! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) At last! Jimi, there's nothing mysterious about you though, is there? You're an actor in one of our biggest soaps - Coronation Street.
That's right, yeah.
(APPLAUSE) And you used to be in EastEnders.
Absolutely.
I've played for both sides, as it were.
Indeed.
I'm intrigued, actually.
(LAUGHTER) Which is What has got the best pub? The best pub is definitely the Rovers Victoria.
(LAUGHTER) Very diplomatic.
Absolutely.
I've tried to find Weatherfield, I wanted to pay a visit, but it's not on the Sat Nav.
There are people, I believe, who try and find these places.
Yeah.
Have you ever been stalked by anyone? Not at the moment, but I'm sure I will be after this goes out.
(LAUGHTER) Yes, you will.
(LAUGHTER) I've chosen my one.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I'm privileged.
OK, here's your question.
In which major European city are there more dogs than children? Let's have a think.
I went to Paris recently.
There was lots of people CARRYING dogs like they were kids.
I didn't see many I'll see Paris.
I'm gonna say Paris on that one.
Paris.
I'm going to disagree.
You are wrong to disagree.
The answer was Paris.
So nought gets the square.
Apparently, it's cheaper to keep a dog than a kid.
But on the down side, they're a lot less likely to donate you a kidney later in life.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Kath, please choose a square.
I'll go Jonathan Ross, please.
NOW you choose me.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Jonathan, here's your question.
Where would you find the Sea of Tranquillity? The Sea of Tranquillity.
It sounds nice, doesn't it? It does sound lovely, doesn't it? (PARP) Let's just stop and Did someone just fart? (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) I mean, that was SO wrong.
Because we were having a bit of a moment, weren't we? We were.
We were imagining the Sea of Tranquillity.
I thought we were in a safe place.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, it's beginning to reach me as well.
I think it was Christine.
For God's sake! (LAUGHTER) OK, sorry.
Where we we? Erm We were imagining where the Sea of Tranquillity might be.
I am going to say I'm going for It's a pretty out-there answer.
I'm gonna go for the moon.
On the surface of the moon.
Ooh! OK, Kath.
Jonathan, I'm going to agree with you.
You are right to agree.
So nought gets the square.
John, please choose a square.
OK, erm, for the block, Christine Bleakley, please.
Christine, this is for the block.
Here we go, my lovely.
According to the Duke of York, which game is banned in the royal household? Oh, gosh.
Um That's easy, it's Game of Thrones, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) Oh, goodness.
What can you imagine the royals playing at home? Something quite sophisticated, and educated.
Chess might suit the royal household.
I can see them being competitive playing that, so I think that's been banned.
Chess.
I will disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
The answer's Monopoly.
So cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Kath, your turn.
I'm gonna go for Joe Wilkinson again.
If somebody was to sew a tennis ball into the back of their pyjamas, what would they be hoping to stop? Next question.
(LAUGHTER) You know how it works.
You've got to answer this question.
I'll be honest, if I caught someone sewing a tennis ball in the back of my pyjamas, I'd beat the hell out of them.
I really, er I really do like my pyjamas.
(LAUGHTER) I kind of sleep at lot in this as well.
You never know who's gonna break in, you've got to look your best.
(LAUGHTER) I think it stops you snoring.
Because you snore on your back, so it'd roll you over.
(AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS) It stops you snoring.
That was the only serious bit.
(LAUGHTER) Honestly, go with me! I'm gonna go with you, Joe.
I'm agreeing.
I'm sorry now.
(LAUGHTER) You are right to agree.
So nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) John, please choose a square.
Erm, I'm gonna go for the lovely Ellie Taylor there for the block.
OK, Ellie.
The word pumpkin comes from the Greek for what? I actually know a bit of Greek, John.
Because a few years ago I actually starred in a yoghurt advert in Athens.
Thank you.
(LAUGHTER) How the other half live, I know.
And I had to learn some Greek for it.
I had to speak in the advert, which comes in very handy.
Cos if I meet a Greek person, I can make small talk with them - but only about pro-biotic bacteria.
(LAUGHTER) But yeah, I am a bit of an expert.
So pumpkin comes from the Greek for what? I am going to say it means Halloween.
Halloween.
I'm gonna disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
(APPLAUSE) Cross gets the square.
The answer is large melon, if you're interested.
OK, Kath, it's your turn.
Louis Walsh, please.
OK, Kath.
(JINGLY MUSIC) Ooh! So Kath, you have found the mystery square.
Louis, from under your desk can you please reveal the prize that Kath will be playing for.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Louis is well known for his love of music.
Get this right, and you can enjoy yours in style with a DAB radio.
Plus, courtesy of Ticketmaster, you could experience your favourite music live with a gift card for two tickets to a gig of your choice.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! There we go.
So, Louis, here's the question.
What are sisters Drizella and Anastasia more commonly known as? Erm, I think they're the real names of The Ugly Sisters.
I'll agree with Louis.
You are right to agree.
(APPLAUSE) Nought gets the square.
And you win that lovely prize.
Congratulations.
Wow! Thank you.
Right, John, over to you, sir.
please choose a square.
Final box, and hopefully for the win, Adam Hills.
Here we go, then.
What reality TV show has the most versions made in different countries worldwide? I'm gonna go with Survivor.
Survivor.
I'm gonna disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and the game.
Plus the bonus of ?500.
Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was Britain's Got Talent.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Kath, you're on ?800.
And John, you've also got ?800.
(APPLAUSE) Right, it's time for game three.
Which we call Square Essentials.
The squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestants will agree if they think it's the truth, and disagree if they think they're telling a porky.
Hang on a minute, Jonathan.
What are you doing? Er, nothing.
(LAUGHTER) Were you sharing something out? I've got some sweets.
OK.
Santa! Santa! There's also some nails in this bag.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Why did you throw them back at Louis? (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Calm yourselves.
So Kath, you lost the last game, so you get to choose first.
Jimi Mistry, please.
OK, Jimi, let's have your Square Essential, please.
I once dislocated my elbow being thrown off a mechanical rodeo bull.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to agree.
You are right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Jimi, I'm intrigued.
Was drink involved in this incident? Me? Never, Warwick.
(LAUGHTER) Right, John, please choose a square, sir.
Jonathan Ross, please.
Let's hear your fact, please.
OK.
I have an extreme and paralysing fear of fire extinguishers.
ADAM: John, do the impression and find out.
(LAUGHTER) Cheers, Adam.
Thanks for that, mate.
(APPLAUSE) (MAKES FIRE EXTINGUISHER SOUND) (LAUGHTER) You see, just holding your hands like that, I can see you didn't have a fire extinguisher.
I thought the noise might have It sounded like a fire engine to me.
Maybe even a police car.
(LAUGHTER) I messed up at the beginning.
Um, well, he didn't flinch.
I'm gonna disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Personally, I only fear the little things in life.
Specifically, seeing Verne Troyer at the same audition.
(LAUGHTER) Kath, please choose a square.
Time Vine, please.
OK, Kath.
My favourite film is Mamma Mia! (LAUGHTER) I think he does like it very much, but I don't think it's his favourite film.
So I'm gonna disagree.
You are right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) I've never actually seen it.
Never seen it.
It's a great film.
It's got everything - drama, romance, comedy.
I laugh my head off every time Pierce Brosnan sings.
(LAUGHTER) Right, John, please choose a square.
Erm, the very dapper Joe Wilkinson for the block.
For the block.
(LAUGHTER) Erm, at school I was in the choir and we had a Christmas No.
1.
Christmas No.
1.
So he says he's in the choir and had a Christmas No.
1.
At school.
Not now.
I'm not weird.
(LAUGHTER) I believe he was in a choir, but I don't think about the No.
1.
So I'm gonna disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and successfully blocks.
(APPLAUSE) So Joe, have you got any aspirations to have a Christmas No.
1 at all? I thought you'd perhaps talk to Louis and maybe do a duet.
I'll sort it out myself, cheers.
(LAUGHTER) OK, Kath, please choose a square.
Er, Ellie Taylor for the block, please.
I am related to former England manager, Graham Taylor.
Oh.
(SIGHS) I'm gonna disagree.
You are right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
John.
Louis Walsh for the block, please.
OK, John.
Before working in music, I was a bartender in a pub in Ireland.
Does he look like a bartender? Yeah.
That shirt.
It's the shirt.
(LAUGHTER) Erm, I'll agree with that.
You are right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Louis, that's very interesting.
I wonder, working in a pub, was that what inspired you to put all your acts on bar stools? (LAUGHTER) No.
OK, Kath, your turn.
Louise Hazel for the block, please.
Um, my fact is that I'm actually allergic to trees.
(LAUGHTER) I disagree with that.
You are wrong to disagree.
So that square is back in open play.
Louise, when did you first realise that you were allergic to trees? I'd just had this test.
My doctor did all these different things - test you for grass, and all these things, before the Olympics.
Turned out I had a mild reaction to trees.
If a tree comes up and hugs me, I'm judo chop.
That is getting it.
(LAUGHTER) OK.
John, your turn.
please choose a square.
OK, yeah, it's gonna have to be Louise Hazel for the win.
Come on, John! Come on, Louise, please.
My guilty pleasure, and celebrity crush, should I say, is Gordon Ramsay.
(LAUGHTER) I will agree with that.
You are wrong to agree.
Are you mad? Gordon Ramsay?! Good God! The amount of people I could have chosen! Nought gets that square.
Right, Kath, your turn.
Er, Adam Hills, please.
So Kath, if you take this square it means you win the game as you'll have five squares on the board and your opponent can't complete a line.
Right.
I was once a member of the Australian parliament.
I disagree.
You are right to disagree.
Nought gets the square, wins the game, and the bonus of ?500.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Kath has ?1.
500.
And John has 950.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Three when there's more cash up for grabs, and somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
If you love octagons, you've come to the wrong place.
(LAUGHTER) So squares, how you doing? Great.
Good.
Louis, tonight, people don't know this, Louis, you had to leave your car cos you were stuck in traffic and travel on the tube.
I did, yeah, Warwick.
The traffic was so crazy.
I was two and a half hours in a taxi.
I had to get out of the taxi, get the tube to get here on time.
So what was it like travelling so close to members of the public? Good fun.
Did you have your head stuck out the window? (LAUGHTER) No, Warwick.
I had good fun, and I got here in time.
Excellent.
Right, it's time for game four.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Which we like to call Square Miles.
Hidden out there, we have another mystery square.
If a contestant finds it, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
You could take a bite out of the Big Apple and more when you visit Times Square in New York.
You'll be jetting there with British Airways Holidays and staying in the Intercontinental New York, Times Square.
(APPLAUSE) Right, now it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, here is the mystery square.
So John, you're playing catch-up, so you get to choose like first.
OK.
I'd like to go with Ellie Taylor, please.
OK, Ellie, here's your question.
What is the real name of the Internet sensation, Grumpy Cat? I am going to say, um, Mrs Tibbles.
(LAUGHTER) I will disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The correct answer would have been Tartar Sauce.
Right, Kath, please choose a square.
Jonathan Ross, please.
Hello, Kath.
Jonathan, here's your question.
OK.
Currently at over two billion views, what is the most viewed YouTube video of all time? I do like YouTube.
I watch a lot, and I've got kids and they always watch stuff on line.
They send me some very weird stuff from there.
There was one of a monkey that laid back and wee'd into its own mouth.
(LAUGHTER) I've watched that about half a million times on my own, so (LAUGHTER) Then there's the one I'll tell you what it might be.
It's probably one that's been around a while.
What about the one where the little boy bites his brother's fingers? "Charlie Bit My Finger" is my guess.
"Charlie Bit My Finger.
" I know that one.
I've seen it.
I'll agree.
You are wrong to agree.
Cross gets that square.
The answer is, in fact, Gangnam Style.
Oh! So, over two billion people CAN be wrong.
(LAUGHTER) Right, John, your turn.
Erm, to my good friend, Joe Wilkinson there.
This'll be for the win, so no pressure.
Oh, not for the win! Yes.
What do armadillos do for up to 16 hours a day? (LAUGHTER) Um, I'm not gonna lie to you, John, I'm not an armadillo expert.
(LAUGHTER) I hibernate for a third of the year, erm, so I think, like me, they're big sleepers.
I'm gonna say they, er they sleep for whatever you said the hours were.
I don't know! I'm gonna say sleep.
OK.
So Joe reckons armadillos sleep for up to 16 hours a day.
That sounds believable.
What?! I'll agree with Joe.
You are right to agree.
(APPLAUSE) Cross gets the square, the game, and the bonus ?500.
But unfortunately, neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Jimi Mistry, then you would have been playing for the holiday.
Pretty obvious really, wasn't it? Jimi Mistry.
Mystery.
But there's more cash out there, so still plenty to pay for.
Now it's time for game five.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) The Double Square game.
We are doubling the money for every square won.
They're now worth ?100 each.
And for winning the game, there is a bonus of ?1.
000! AUDIENCE: Whoo! Now, contestants, be aware this is a quick-fire game, so if you hear this sound (KLAXON) .
.
then the game is over.
And the contestant with the most squares on the board wins the game and the bonus ?1.
000.
So Kath, you're playing catch-up, so you choose first.
Tim Vine, please.
Right, here's your question, Tim.
Which is the only bird that can fly backwards? I think it might be the hummingbird.
A friend of mine said to me, "Do you like hummingbirds" So I said (HUMS) (LAUGHTER) So I'm going hummingbird, Kath.
Right.
I would agree with that.
You are right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) OK, John, your turn.
I think centre square, Jonathan Ross, please.
Hello, John.
Ralph Lifshitz is the real name of which fashion designer? I'm sorry, Warwick, could you repeat the question, please? (LAUGHTER) Ralph Lifshitz is the real name of which fashion designer? I'm sorry, Warwick, could you repeat the question? (LAUGHTER) It sounds like a diet I went on once.
(LAUGHTER) There's so many designers.
Do you have any of his clothes? You'd look good in Lifshitz.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna guess Ralph Lauren.
I was thinking that myself, so I will agree with Jonathan.
You are right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Kath, your turn.
Ellie Taylor, please.
Here's your question, Ellie.
According to a survey carried out by Dairy Australia, what cheese suggest you are the life and soul of the party? I don't think anyone bringing out cheese at a party is gonna be the life and soul.
I don't think anyone's ever gone, "Guys! Let's get the night going! Who needs Jagerbombs? We've got Babybels!" (LAUGHTER) But maybe I'm wrong.
I think, um I mean, if you're gonna go for a strong cheese, let's go cheddar.
Cheddar.
I disagree with that.
You are right to disagree, so nought gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) The correct answer is camembert.
Camembert is a soft, creamy cheese not to be confused with polar bear, which is considerably harder to spread.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon.
Which means it's the end of the game.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Now, Kath, you have the most squares on the board, which means you get the bonus ?1.
000! (CHEERS) So, let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final.
John has ?1.
650.
where Kath has ?2.
700.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Congratulations, Kath.
Thank you.
You're going through to our final game.
Wow! Unfortunately, John, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? I've had a great time, I've had a good laugh.
Loved it.
John, you're taking home ?1.
650.
Enjoy spending the money you've won tonight.
John, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Join us in Part Four, when Kath could walk away with that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anywhere.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, where Kath has made it through to our final game, Question Line.
Congratulations, Kath, on getting this far.
How do you feel? Nervous.
Have you thought about how you might spend your winnings? Yes, erm, I want a new fitted wardrobe.
And I want to visit my son and my new grandson in Australia.
Oh, lovely.
Now, you've got some supporters here tonight.
Who's with you? My son, Jamie.
My youngest son.
That's it.
(LAUGHTER) Lovely.
Lovely.
Well, we're all behind you as well.
Good luck.
Thank you.
It's now time for Question Line.
OK, here's your line of questioning.
You have Louis Walsh, Jonathan Ross, and Louise Hazel.
And here are their subjects.
Which category would you like? Oh! You're not great with decisions, are you? (LAUGHTER) I think I'll go I might know a couple of all of them, but not a lot about them all, if you see what I mean.
So I think I'll go X Factor.
Why have you chosen that one? Best of a bad bunch for me, I think.
OK.
So, good luck.
Thank you.
Here we go.
As a judge, Louis has been present at every X Factor final.
I need you to name X Factor finalists.
And by finalists, I mean acts that have reached the final three.
We need the full name of the act, and cannot accept names of individual group members.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you ?1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Just remember, you have to wait for me to say yes or no before you move onto your next answer.
Your time starts now.
Jedward.
No.
Oh.
Erm, Little Mix.
-Yes.
Erm, One Direction.
yes.
Erm (INDISTINCT MUTTERING) My mind's gone completely blank.
Who else was on? Erm George, David (KLAXON) Aw! (APPLAUSE) Not to worry, Kath.
You managed to light two squares, which gives you ?2.
000.
Here's a few you could have had.
Alexandra Burke, Leona Lewis, Rebecca Ferguson, Sam Bailey.
Louis, can you name a few? JLS.
Shayne Ward.
G4.
There's so many.
I know, my mind went blank.
I know.
I wanted you to win.
Well, let's add that ?2.
000 to the money you've already won, which gives you a grand total of ?4.
700.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Well done.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Kath, our celebrity squares Thank you, squares! (CHEERING) .
.
and to you at home for watching.
See you next time.
Good night.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.
I'll be honest, they're ALL pretty bit to me.
So let's meet them! He's the king of one-liners - Tim Vine.
From the cobbles of Coronation Street, it's Jimi Mistry.
Bearded funny man, Joe Wilkinson.
Champion heptathlete, Louise Hazel.
From a land down under, and The Last Leg, it's Adam Hills.
The delightful Christine Bleakley.
From Snog Marry Avoid?.
.
-I know what I would do - .
.
it's comedian, Ellie Taylor.
He's responsible for many great bands, and Jedward, it's Louis Walsh.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's Jonathan Ross.
Hello, there.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello, squares! ALL: Hello, Warwick! Wow, what a lovely looking bunch.
Thank you for being here tonight.
Jonathan, lovely to see you.
Lovely to see you, Warwick.
Obviously a big fan of your chat show.
What's it like to be surrounded by actual celebrities? Hold on.
(LAUGHTER) Seeing as you've been on my show, you shouldn't ask that question.
Oh, yes.
Twice.
That's how hard up we were.
(LAUGHS) So have you had any of this lot on? I know I've had Christine.
(CHEERING) Not on the show.
You're ahead of me - you're making up your own jokes! Of course, Louis has been there.
Everyone loves Louis Walsh.
Although I've never seen him from this angle before, and if I were you, Louis, I'd see a doctor cos you're meant to have two of those.
(LAUGHTER) I can just see the one leg.
Well, thank you very much.
Welcome to you all.
Our celebrities, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Now let's meet tonight's contestants.
Representing the noughts, we have Kath.
Hello, squares.
ALL: Hello, Kath.
I'm Kath, I'm 51, I'm a life and business coach from Lancashire.
Wow.
(APPLAUSE) So, Kath, you say you're a life coach, which is interesting.
Now, I'm not saying I do, but if I were to need any life coaching, what would you say to me? What sort of things? I would give you advice about your life - whatever direction you wanted to go in next, I would help you get there.
Would you? Yeah.
Very nice of you.
And I believe you have a connection with one of our celebrities.
Mother! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) A very tenuous connection with Louis Walsh.
Oh? -AUDIENCE: Ooh! -Tell us more.
-Tell.
I auditioned for The X Factor once.
And what happened? It was a very local one and I didn't get through to the next stage.
So I didn't see you or hear you.
No.
Oh.
You've had your chance, Louis.
(LAUGHTER) It's great to meet you.
Kath, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So, now let's meet who you're playing against tonight.
Representing the crosses, we have John.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Welcome to the show, John.
Hello, squares.
ALL: Hi, John.
I'm John, I'm 31, I'm a health and fitness instructor from Cardiff.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So, you're a fitness instructor.
Yes.
Now, I like to keep myself in shape as well.
Have you got any suggestions for exercises that I can do in the dressing room? I already do chin-ups on the towel rail.
(LAUGHTER) So is there anything else? Erm, press-ups.
Easy.
You don't even need equipment for that.
Sit-ups, things like that.
And you're also a model.
I do some part-time modelling.
I've done it for a few magazines and clothing ranges.
Joe, have you got any tips for John here? Do what I do.
Use your sex appeal, sleep you way to the top, mate.
(LAUGHTER) Easy.
Use it! (LAUGHTER) Thank you very much, John.
Our contestants, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So, here's how it works.
It's a simple game of noughts and crosses.
To win, our contestants need three squares in a row, Either up and down, like this.
Across, like that.
or diagonally, like this.
I'll ask our celebrities general knowledge questions.
Our contestants just need to work out if they've answered correctly.
If the contestant makes the right decision, they'll take that square.
If not, the square goes to their opponent.
For each square our contestants take, they win ?50.
Win a game, and there's a bonus of ?500 up for grabs.
So, that's the rules done, let's start with game one.
(APPLAUSE) So Kath, you won the coin toss backstage.
I did.
Which square would you like to start with? I'm gonna go with Joe Wilkinson.
(APPLAUSE) Are you excited to be here? Look at all these celebrities! (LAUGHTER) Yeah.
I recognise that one.
(LAUGHTER) That's my favourite.
Is it? Yep.
So what have you seen them in? -Here.
(LAUGHTER) Here you go, here's your question.
According to the Guinness Book of Records, what type of animal is the most fearless on the planet? Erm, fearless animal.
I've got a duck who's very sure of himself.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
Pretty brave fellow.
He does a lot of swimming.
Erm, a little bit of taekwondo.
Um, but I think he's the exception to the rule.
(LAUGHTER) Well, I'm gonna go classic.
I'm gonna go lion, cos they don't seem that bothered about stuff.
OK, Kath, do you agree or disagree with Joe's answer, lion? Well, I'm gonna agree.
-Really? -You were wrong to agree, so cross gets the square.
(AUDIENCE GROANS SYMPATHETICALLY) The answer was the honey badger.
OK, John, your turn.
Please choose a square.
I'll go with Jonathan Ross.
(APPLAUSE) Here's your question, John.
Two independent studies have found that women find men more attractive if they're holding what instrument? Ooh! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I'm tempted to say the honey badger.
(LAUGHTER) Which I didn't know even existed until about 30 seconds ago.
Women generally find men holding a certain instrument more attractive? Mm.
A piano would be impressive.
The woman would see that the man was strong, if not a little stupid.
No, I'm gonna go with something which I think is a lovely sound and would win a woman over.
I'm gonna go with a trombone.
(LAUGHTER) So Difficult one.
But I'm gonna disagree with that.
-What?! What, are you crazy?! (LAUGHTER) You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The right answer is, of course, a guitar.
OK, Kath, your turn.
Please choose a square.
Erm, Ellie Taylor.
This is for the block now.
Ellie, we know you from the very popular show, Snog Marry, Avoid? Or, as we like to call it, Jimmy, Jonathan and Joe.
(LAUGHTER) Now, on the show you try out various beauty treatments, don't you? Yep.
So, have you got any recommendations? For you? For me, yeah.
Yeah, for me.
I don't need anything, to be honest, but if I were to look a bit rough round the edges, what would I have? Are you a hairy man? Um, no.
No, smooth as silk.
(LAUGHTER) Are you sure? Women like a pruned man.
Everything's neat and tidy? Hang on.
Are we talking about this on national television? How did this happen? Are you really hairless, Warwick? You must look like a dolphin.
(LAUGHTER) It's a weird Have you got nothing below the neck? No hair at all? Listen, Jonathan, all the hair's in the right place.
There's no excess of it.
I don't have to tuck it in, OK? (LAUGHTER) I've got so much, I have to buy bigger pants now just to keep it in.
It's like a bin bag full of leaves.
(LAUGHTER) It's like Joe's face.
(LAUGHTER) Only a slightly bigger nose, if you know what I mean.
(LAUGHTER) No idea what you're talking about.
(LAUGHTER) Here we go, Ellie, here's your question.
If you were sat on a bone-shaker, what would you be doing? I don't know if that's a question or a chat-up line.
(LAUGHTER) I think I might know this.
so I'm gonna say a bicycle, Kath.
It is.
I'm gonna agree.
-You're right to agree.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Nought gets the square.
Those old-fashioned bikes were very uncomfortable to ride.
If you hit a pothole, you could buckle your penny farthing.
(LAUGHTER) OK, John, please choose a square.
-Erm, I think I'm gonna go with Louise Hazel.
(APPLAUSE) Louise.
Right.
OK, here's your question.
What is krumping? Spelled K-R-U-M-P-I-N-G.
Is it when you get a puncture on your bike and you start crying and pumping at the same time? (LAUGHTER) No? So krumping is a form of kind of urban street dance, where you just kind of get down, get low.
Joe will know what I mean.
He's a good krumper.
I've seen him krump a few times.
-That's why I'm electronically tagged.
(LAUGHTER) Right, John, what do you think about that? Erm, well, I've never heard of that before, so I'm gonna disagree.
Ooh.
You are wrong to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
Krumping IS a style of dance.
Not to be confused with twerking, which is a cry for help when a former Disney star is having a breakdown.
(LAUGHTER) Kath, over to you.
Please choose a square.
Erm, I'm going for my friend, Louis.
(APPLAUSE) So Louis, great news.
You're back on The X Factor as a judge.
Yeah! 11th 11 years.
What I love is, even though we keep asking him to retire, he keeps turning up to work.
(LAUGHTER) Now Louis, you're always known for having the group with the more eccentric acts.
You mean the crazy ones.
Yes.
And looking at our squares here, who would you probably have in your category? Oh, Jonathan.
-Really? -Definitely, yeah.
Cos he could sing with his lisp.
It'd be very interesting.
(LAUGHTER) What about Joe down here, though? I don't think so, no.
I want Jonathan.
(LAUGHTER) OK, let's do this.
Which Brit is famous for preserving animals in formaldehyde? Um, I would say Simon Cowell's make-up artist.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I really would.
But Kath, I actually do know the answer to this.
Erm, it's the famous artist, Damien Hirst.
I'm going to agree with Louis Walsh.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) John, over to you, sir.
Er, Tim Vine for the block, please.
(APPLAUSE) So Tim, you are a comedian.
Thank you.
(LAUGHTER) But you haven't always said funny things, have you? Not for the last ten minutes, certainly.
I haven't said anything.
(LAUGHTER) I did have a job, actually, helping out a one-armed typist whenever she wanted to do capital letters.
(LAUGHTER) It was, er It was shift work.
(LAUGHTER) And now, I'm trying to run a dating agency for chickens.
But it's a real struggling trying to make hens meet.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Right, Tim, here we go, sir.
In what game can you mate eight different ways in two moves? (LAUGHTER) Er, I think it might be it might be chess.
I once ate a chess set.
And I took it back to the shop.
I said, "It's stale, mate.
" (LAUGHTER) He said, "Are you sure?" I said, "Check, mate.
" (LAUGHTER) That's my answer, I think, John.
Chess.
Yeah, I agree with that.
I agree with Tim.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Kath, over to you.
Please choose a square.
I'm going to choose Adam Hills for the block.
Well, it's not really a block, is it, to be honest? Have you played this game before? Where are you blocking? Oh, I see! Yeah, sorry, love.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) You can laugh! I'm in control.
We'll just edit that out to make me look good.
(LAUGHTER) It's great to have you here.
Obviously, we know you over here for your great show, The Last Leg.
And we know you as a disabled presenter.
Right.
I just wonder, is it you who's nicked my parking space outside? (LAUGHTER) No, it was taken when I got here.
I took that.
It's my speech impediment.
(LAUGHTER) I'm allowed.
I'm allowed.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I think I'm allowed.
It's the speech impediment.
There is actually a category in the Paralympics for that now.
Really? -Yeah.
Or the Pawalympics, as it's known.
(LAUGHTER) OK, Adam, what would I most likely be banging if I had a peen in my hand? (LAUGHTER) It sounds like a Scottish biro.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Sorry about that, Jimmy, I'm just banging my pen.
(LAUGHTER) A drum.
I'm going to agree with that.
You are wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So nobody gets that square.
It is back in play, cos you have to take the deciding square yourself.
You would, in fact, be banging metal.
The peen is a type of hammer.
But somehow, MC Peen shouting "Peen time" didn't quite have the same ring to it.
John, please choose a square.
Adam Hills again for the win.
Here we go, then.
Let's do this, John.
-How many rings does Uranus have? (LAUGHTER) Come on! It's a sensible question.
This is one of those ones, John, that I Like, I'm thinking back to school.
Yeah.
And I think we all made jokes about Uranus.
It was the funniest thing.
"Oh, look up, you can see Uranus.
" But I don't ever remember anyone making a joke about the rings of Uranus.
(LAUGHTER) Which, as ten-year-olds, we definitely would have done.
(LAUGHTER) So I'm gonna say Uranus doesn't have any rings.
I'll agree with that.
You are wrong to agree.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) So, nought gets the square.
The answer is 13.
Although I always give Uranus three rings just to let it know I'm home safe.
(LAUGHTER) OK, Kath, please choose a square.
For the win, Christine Bleakley.
(APPLAUSE) Christine Bleakley.
Now, you're engaged.
Soon to be Mrs Lampard.
Which is lovely, yes? (APPLAUSE) Now, obviously with a wedding coming up there's lots to organise, things to sort out - the date.
I don't know if you've figured that out yet.
More or less.
You don't have to be specific, tell me a month and I'll block that out in the diary now.
No problem.
(LAUGHTER) So, here we go, Christine.
What would you do with a Jingling Johnny? (LAUGHTER) Well I'd tell him to put it away first.
(LAUGHTER) If you had a Jingling Johnny, I would move from here.
(LAUGHTER) Er, a Jingling Johnny.
Um, oddly enough, Kath, I do think I know this, because my dad's a musician and I think it's a musical instrument.
You would play it, I think.
-Right.
So Kath, do you agree or disagree with that answer? I'm going to agree with Christine.
-You are right to agree.
(APPLAUSE) Nought gets the square, wins the game.
Plus the bonus of ?500.
Well done.
Yes, a Jingling Johnny is a musical instrument.
I used to play with MY Jingling Johnny at school.
But they told me it'd make me go, er What's that say? Blind.
(LAUGHTER) OK, let's see your total so far.
Kath has ?650, and John has ?100.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Join us in Part Two, when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a mystery prize.
I know! Be there and be square.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, the show with more famous people than a conga line at Jonathan Ross's birthday party.
(LAUGHTER) Before the break, we met Kath from Lancashire and John from Cardiff.
Now John, I've been told that you can do some quite impressive things with your mouth.
I can, yes, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) What do you do? Um, sound effects.
Sound effects? Yeah.
-What sort of things do you do? -Er, a police car, a fire extinguisher.
All right, so give us a police car.
OK.
(MAKES SIREN NOISE) (LAUGHTER) So when did you discover you had this skill? Erm, probably when I was in school.
I mean, I was rubbish at football, I couldn't play an instrument, but I thought: can I make the noise of a police car with my mouth? And you found out you couldn't.
Yeah, I'm rubbish at that as well.
(LAUGHTER) Kath, he's been showing off over here.
Have you got any special skills? I can juggle.
Can you? Well, it just so happens that I have three balls under my desk.
(LAUGHTER) There we are.
Would you care to demonstrate? That's it, right.
-OK.
Ooh! No.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Yes.
Very impressive (!) It's not really a skill, is it, though, dropping balls on the floor.
(LAUGHTER) Right, now it's time for game two.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Which works just like game one, except hidden out there is the mystery square.
If a contestant takes the mystery square, they'll win a prize related to that celebrity.
It's now time to release the squares.
For you at home, here's who it is.
So John, you're playing catch-up.
You get to choose first.
I'm gonna go with Tim Vine, please.
OK, straight off, here we go.
All right, Tim.
Yes.
Which common household condiment would you find 250 grams of in the average human body? Hm.
Um, I think it's You can probably tell by licking your skin.
There's a little bit of sort of a slightly salty taste to your skin, when you lick it.
I'm gonna say salt, John.
I'll agree with that.
You're right to agree.
It is salt.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Right, Kath, please choose a square.
Hm I'm going to go Louise Hazel, please.
Louise.
Mm.
You took a while to decide there.
Are you playing some sort of tactic here? I'm trying not to do the ordinary noughts and crosses.
If I was playing at home, I would go Jonathan Ross.
In the middle.
Right.
(LAUGHTER) But it IS a game of noughts and crosses.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, I know.
I want to be random.
You're pulling that off.
(LAUGHTER) Louise, here's your question.
What was special about the selfie uploaded to Instagram by Steve Swanson on the 7th of April, 2014? I think I know this one.
Was he the first guy to take the first underwater selfie? I think it was at the bottom of the sea.
I'm gonna agree with Louise.
You are wrong to agree.
So cross gets the square.
It was, in fact, the first Instagram posted from space.
People are always asking me to have selfies with them.
Oh, really? But they take the picture and all they get is a picture of them.
(LAUGHTER) If they're lucky, a wisp of hair.
(LAUGHTER) Right, john, please choose a square.
Erm, we haven't had him yet - Jimi Mistry, please.
Jimi! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) At last! Jimi, there's nothing mysterious about you though, is there? You're an actor in one of our biggest soaps - Coronation Street.
That's right, yeah.
(APPLAUSE) And you used to be in EastEnders.
Absolutely.
I've played for both sides, as it were.
Indeed.
I'm intrigued, actually.
(LAUGHTER) Which is What has got the best pub? The best pub is definitely the Rovers Victoria.
(LAUGHTER) Very diplomatic.
Absolutely.
I've tried to find Weatherfield, I wanted to pay a visit, but it's not on the Sat Nav.
There are people, I believe, who try and find these places.
Yeah.
Have you ever been stalked by anyone? Not at the moment, but I'm sure I will be after this goes out.
(LAUGHTER) Yes, you will.
(LAUGHTER) I've chosen my one.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I'm privileged.
OK, here's your question.
In which major European city are there more dogs than children? Let's have a think.
I went to Paris recently.
There was lots of people CARRYING dogs like they were kids.
I didn't see many I'll see Paris.
I'm gonna say Paris on that one.
Paris.
I'm going to disagree.
You are wrong to disagree.
The answer was Paris.
So nought gets the square.
Apparently, it's cheaper to keep a dog than a kid.
But on the down side, they're a lot less likely to donate you a kidney later in life.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Kath, please choose a square.
I'll go Jonathan Ross, please.
NOW you choose me.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Jonathan, here's your question.
Where would you find the Sea of Tranquillity? The Sea of Tranquillity.
It sounds nice, doesn't it? It does sound lovely, doesn't it? (PARP) Let's just stop and Did someone just fart? (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) I mean, that was SO wrong.
Because we were having a bit of a moment, weren't we? We were.
We were imagining the Sea of Tranquillity.
I thought we were in a safe place.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, it's beginning to reach me as well.
I think it was Christine.
For God's sake! (LAUGHTER) OK, sorry.
Where we we? Erm We were imagining where the Sea of Tranquillity might be.
I am going to say I'm going for It's a pretty out-there answer.
I'm gonna go for the moon.
On the surface of the moon.
Ooh! OK, Kath.
Jonathan, I'm going to agree with you.
You are right to agree.
So nought gets the square.
John, please choose a square.
OK, erm, for the block, Christine Bleakley, please.
Christine, this is for the block.
Here we go, my lovely.
According to the Duke of York, which game is banned in the royal household? Oh, gosh.
Um That's easy, it's Game of Thrones, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) Oh, goodness.
What can you imagine the royals playing at home? Something quite sophisticated, and educated.
Chess might suit the royal household.
I can see them being competitive playing that, so I think that's been banned.
Chess.
I will disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
The answer's Monopoly.
So cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Kath, your turn.
I'm gonna go for Joe Wilkinson again.
If somebody was to sew a tennis ball into the back of their pyjamas, what would they be hoping to stop? Next question.
(LAUGHTER) You know how it works.
You've got to answer this question.
I'll be honest, if I caught someone sewing a tennis ball in the back of my pyjamas, I'd beat the hell out of them.
I really, er I really do like my pyjamas.
(LAUGHTER) I kind of sleep at lot in this as well.
You never know who's gonna break in, you've got to look your best.
(LAUGHTER) I think it stops you snoring.
Because you snore on your back, so it'd roll you over.
(AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS) It stops you snoring.
That was the only serious bit.
(LAUGHTER) Honestly, go with me! I'm gonna go with you, Joe.
I'm agreeing.
I'm sorry now.
(LAUGHTER) You are right to agree.
So nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) John, please choose a square.
Erm, I'm gonna go for the lovely Ellie Taylor there for the block.
OK, Ellie.
The word pumpkin comes from the Greek for what? I actually know a bit of Greek, John.
Because a few years ago I actually starred in a yoghurt advert in Athens.
Thank you.
(LAUGHTER) How the other half live, I know.
And I had to learn some Greek for it.
I had to speak in the advert, which comes in very handy.
Cos if I meet a Greek person, I can make small talk with them - but only about pro-biotic bacteria.
(LAUGHTER) But yeah, I am a bit of an expert.
So pumpkin comes from the Greek for what? I am going to say it means Halloween.
Halloween.
I'm gonna disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
(APPLAUSE) Cross gets the square.
The answer is large melon, if you're interested.
OK, Kath, it's your turn.
Louis Walsh, please.
OK, Kath.
(JINGLY MUSIC) Ooh! So Kath, you have found the mystery square.
Louis, from under your desk can you please reveal the prize that Kath will be playing for.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Louis is well known for his love of music.
Get this right, and you can enjoy yours in style with a DAB radio.
Plus, courtesy of Ticketmaster, you could experience your favourite music live with a gift card for two tickets to a gig of your choice.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! There we go.
So, Louis, here's the question.
What are sisters Drizella and Anastasia more commonly known as? Erm, I think they're the real names of The Ugly Sisters.
I'll agree with Louis.
You are right to agree.
(APPLAUSE) Nought gets the square.
And you win that lovely prize.
Congratulations.
Wow! Thank you.
Right, John, over to you, sir.
please choose a square.
Final box, and hopefully for the win, Adam Hills.
Here we go, then.
What reality TV show has the most versions made in different countries worldwide? I'm gonna go with Survivor.
Survivor.
I'm gonna disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and the game.
Plus the bonus of ?500.
Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was Britain's Got Talent.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Kath, you're on ?800.
And John, you've also got ?800.
(APPLAUSE) Right, it's time for game three.
Which we call Square Essentials.
The squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestants will agree if they think it's the truth, and disagree if they think they're telling a porky.
Hang on a minute, Jonathan.
What are you doing? Er, nothing.
(LAUGHTER) Were you sharing something out? I've got some sweets.
OK.
Santa! Santa! There's also some nails in this bag.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Why did you throw them back at Louis? (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Calm yourselves.
So Kath, you lost the last game, so you get to choose first.
Jimi Mistry, please.
OK, Jimi, let's have your Square Essential, please.
I once dislocated my elbow being thrown off a mechanical rodeo bull.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to agree.
You are right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Jimi, I'm intrigued.
Was drink involved in this incident? Me? Never, Warwick.
(LAUGHTER) Right, John, please choose a square, sir.
Jonathan Ross, please.
Let's hear your fact, please.
OK.
I have an extreme and paralysing fear of fire extinguishers.
ADAM: John, do the impression and find out.
(LAUGHTER) Cheers, Adam.
Thanks for that, mate.
(APPLAUSE) (MAKES FIRE EXTINGUISHER SOUND) (LAUGHTER) You see, just holding your hands like that, I can see you didn't have a fire extinguisher.
I thought the noise might have It sounded like a fire engine to me.
Maybe even a police car.
(LAUGHTER) I messed up at the beginning.
Um, well, he didn't flinch.
I'm gonna disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Personally, I only fear the little things in life.
Specifically, seeing Verne Troyer at the same audition.
(LAUGHTER) Kath, please choose a square.
Time Vine, please.
OK, Kath.
My favourite film is Mamma Mia! (LAUGHTER) I think he does like it very much, but I don't think it's his favourite film.
So I'm gonna disagree.
You are right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) I've never actually seen it.
Never seen it.
It's a great film.
It's got everything - drama, romance, comedy.
I laugh my head off every time Pierce Brosnan sings.
(LAUGHTER) Right, John, please choose a square.
Erm, the very dapper Joe Wilkinson for the block.
For the block.
(LAUGHTER) Erm, at school I was in the choir and we had a Christmas No.
1.
Christmas No.
1.
So he says he's in the choir and had a Christmas No.
1.
At school.
Not now.
I'm not weird.
(LAUGHTER) I believe he was in a choir, but I don't think about the No.
1.
So I'm gonna disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and successfully blocks.
(APPLAUSE) So Joe, have you got any aspirations to have a Christmas No.
1 at all? I thought you'd perhaps talk to Louis and maybe do a duet.
I'll sort it out myself, cheers.
(LAUGHTER) OK, Kath, please choose a square.
Er, Ellie Taylor for the block, please.
I am related to former England manager, Graham Taylor.
Oh.
(SIGHS) I'm gonna disagree.
You are right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
John.
Louis Walsh for the block, please.
OK, John.
Before working in music, I was a bartender in a pub in Ireland.
Does he look like a bartender? Yeah.
That shirt.
It's the shirt.
(LAUGHTER) Erm, I'll agree with that.
You are right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Louis, that's very interesting.
I wonder, working in a pub, was that what inspired you to put all your acts on bar stools? (LAUGHTER) No.
OK, Kath, your turn.
Louise Hazel for the block, please.
Um, my fact is that I'm actually allergic to trees.
(LAUGHTER) I disagree with that.
You are wrong to disagree.
So that square is back in open play.
Louise, when did you first realise that you were allergic to trees? I'd just had this test.
My doctor did all these different things - test you for grass, and all these things, before the Olympics.
Turned out I had a mild reaction to trees.
If a tree comes up and hugs me, I'm judo chop.
That is getting it.
(LAUGHTER) OK.
John, your turn.
please choose a square.
OK, yeah, it's gonna have to be Louise Hazel for the win.
Come on, John! Come on, Louise, please.
My guilty pleasure, and celebrity crush, should I say, is Gordon Ramsay.
(LAUGHTER) I will agree with that.
You are wrong to agree.
Are you mad? Gordon Ramsay?! Good God! The amount of people I could have chosen! Nought gets that square.
Right, Kath, your turn.
Er, Adam Hills, please.
So Kath, if you take this square it means you win the game as you'll have five squares on the board and your opponent can't complete a line.
Right.
I was once a member of the Australian parliament.
I disagree.
You are right to disagree.
Nought gets the square, wins the game, and the bonus of ?500.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Kath has ?1.
500.
And John has 950.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Three when there's more cash up for grabs, and somebody could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
If you love octagons, you've come to the wrong place.
(LAUGHTER) So squares, how you doing? Great.
Good.
Louis, tonight, people don't know this, Louis, you had to leave your car cos you were stuck in traffic and travel on the tube.
I did, yeah, Warwick.
The traffic was so crazy.
I was two and a half hours in a taxi.
I had to get out of the taxi, get the tube to get here on time.
So what was it like travelling so close to members of the public? Good fun.
Did you have your head stuck out the window? (LAUGHTER) No, Warwick.
I had good fun, and I got here in time.
Excellent.
Right, it's time for game four.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Which we like to call Square Miles.
Hidden out there, we have another mystery square.
If a contestant finds it, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
You could take a bite out of the Big Apple and more when you visit Times Square in New York.
You'll be jetting there with British Airways Holidays and staying in the Intercontinental New York, Times Square.
(APPLAUSE) Right, now it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, here is the mystery square.
So John, you're playing catch-up, so you get to choose like first.
OK.
I'd like to go with Ellie Taylor, please.
OK, Ellie, here's your question.
What is the real name of the Internet sensation, Grumpy Cat? I am going to say, um, Mrs Tibbles.
(LAUGHTER) I will disagree with that.
You are right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The correct answer would have been Tartar Sauce.
Right, Kath, please choose a square.
Jonathan Ross, please.
Hello, Kath.
Jonathan, here's your question.
OK.
Currently at over two billion views, what is the most viewed YouTube video of all time? I do like YouTube.
I watch a lot, and I've got kids and they always watch stuff on line.
They send me some very weird stuff from there.
There was one of a monkey that laid back and wee'd into its own mouth.
(LAUGHTER) I've watched that about half a million times on my own, so (LAUGHTER) Then there's the one I'll tell you what it might be.
It's probably one that's been around a while.
What about the one where the little boy bites his brother's fingers? "Charlie Bit My Finger" is my guess.
"Charlie Bit My Finger.
" I know that one.
I've seen it.
I'll agree.
You are wrong to agree.
Cross gets that square.
The answer is, in fact, Gangnam Style.
Oh! So, over two billion people CAN be wrong.
(LAUGHTER) Right, John, your turn.
Erm, to my good friend, Joe Wilkinson there.
This'll be for the win, so no pressure.
Oh, not for the win! Yes.
What do armadillos do for up to 16 hours a day? (LAUGHTER) Um, I'm not gonna lie to you, John, I'm not an armadillo expert.
(LAUGHTER) I hibernate for a third of the year, erm, so I think, like me, they're big sleepers.
I'm gonna say they, er they sleep for whatever you said the hours were.
I don't know! I'm gonna say sleep.
OK.
So Joe reckons armadillos sleep for up to 16 hours a day.
That sounds believable.
What?! I'll agree with Joe.
You are right to agree.
(APPLAUSE) Cross gets the square, the game, and the bonus ?500.
But unfortunately, neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you'd chosen Jimi Mistry, then you would have been playing for the holiday.
Pretty obvious really, wasn't it? Jimi Mistry.
Mystery.
But there's more cash out there, so still plenty to pay for.
Now it's time for game five.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) The Double Square game.
We are doubling the money for every square won.
They're now worth ?100 each.
And for winning the game, there is a bonus of ?1.
000! AUDIENCE: Whoo! Now, contestants, be aware this is a quick-fire game, so if you hear this sound (KLAXON) .
.
then the game is over.
And the contestant with the most squares on the board wins the game and the bonus ?1.
000.
So Kath, you're playing catch-up, so you choose first.
Tim Vine, please.
Right, here's your question, Tim.
Which is the only bird that can fly backwards? I think it might be the hummingbird.
A friend of mine said to me, "Do you like hummingbirds" So I said (HUMS) (LAUGHTER) So I'm going hummingbird, Kath.
Right.
I would agree with that.
You are right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) OK, John, your turn.
I think centre square, Jonathan Ross, please.
Hello, John.
Ralph Lifshitz is the real name of which fashion designer? I'm sorry, Warwick, could you repeat the question, please? (LAUGHTER) Ralph Lifshitz is the real name of which fashion designer? I'm sorry, Warwick, could you repeat the question? (LAUGHTER) It sounds like a diet I went on once.
(LAUGHTER) There's so many designers.
Do you have any of his clothes? You'd look good in Lifshitz.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna guess Ralph Lauren.
I was thinking that myself, so I will agree with Jonathan.
You are right to agree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Kath, your turn.
Ellie Taylor, please.
Here's your question, Ellie.
According to a survey carried out by Dairy Australia, what cheese suggest you are the life and soul of the party? I don't think anyone bringing out cheese at a party is gonna be the life and soul.
I don't think anyone's ever gone, "Guys! Let's get the night going! Who needs Jagerbombs? We've got Babybels!" (LAUGHTER) But maybe I'm wrong.
I think, um I mean, if you're gonna go for a strong cheese, let's go cheddar.
Cheddar.
I disagree with that.
You are right to disagree, so nought gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) The correct answer is camembert.
Camembert is a soft, creamy cheese not to be confused with polar bear, which is considerably harder to spread.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) Oh, there's the klaxon.
Which means it's the end of the game.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Now, Kath, you have the most squares on the board, which means you get the bonus ?1.
000! (CHEERS) So, let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final.
John has ?1.
650.
where Kath has ?2.
700.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Congratulations, Kath.
Thank you.
You're going through to our final game.
Wow! Unfortunately, John, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? I've had a great time, I've had a good laugh.
Loved it.
John, you're taking home ?1.
650.
Enjoy spending the money you've won tonight.
John, everyone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Join us in Part Four, when Kath could walk away with that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anywhere.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, where Kath has made it through to our final game, Question Line.
Congratulations, Kath, on getting this far.
How do you feel? Nervous.
Have you thought about how you might spend your winnings? Yes, erm, I want a new fitted wardrobe.
And I want to visit my son and my new grandson in Australia.
Oh, lovely.
Now, you've got some supporters here tonight.
Who's with you? My son, Jamie.
My youngest son.
That's it.
(LAUGHTER) Lovely.
Lovely.
Well, we're all behind you as well.
Good luck.
Thank you.
It's now time for Question Line.
OK, here's your line of questioning.
You have Louis Walsh, Jonathan Ross, and Louise Hazel.
And here are their subjects.
Which category would you like? Oh! You're not great with decisions, are you? (LAUGHTER) I think I'll go I might know a couple of all of them, but not a lot about them all, if you see what I mean.
So I think I'll go X Factor.
Why have you chosen that one? Best of a bad bunch for me, I think.
OK.
So, good luck.
Thank you.
Here we go.
As a judge, Louis has been present at every X Factor final.
I need you to name X Factor finalists.
And by finalists, I mean acts that have reached the final three.
We need the full name of the act, and cannot accept names of individual group members.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you ?1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that ?20.
000 jackpot.
Just remember, you have to wait for me to say yes or no before you move onto your next answer.
Your time starts now.
Jedward.
No.
Oh.
Erm, Little Mix.
-Yes.
Erm, One Direction.
yes.
Erm (INDISTINCT MUTTERING) My mind's gone completely blank.
Who else was on? Erm George, David (KLAXON) Aw! (APPLAUSE) Not to worry, Kath.
You managed to light two squares, which gives you ?2.
000.
Here's a few you could have had.
Alexandra Burke, Leona Lewis, Rebecca Ferguson, Sam Bailey.
Louis, can you name a few? JLS.
Shayne Ward.
G4.
There's so many.
I know, my mind went blank.
I know.
I wanted you to win.
Well, let's add that ?2.
000 to the money you've already won, which gives you a grand total of ?4.
700.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Well done.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Kath, our celebrity squares Thank you, squares! (CHEERING) .
.
and to you at home for watching.
See you next time.
Good night.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.