Celebrity Squares (2014) s02e01 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 1

He's in the right place and always on time, it's Tim Vine! Girl next door, if you happen to live next to a beautiful actress, it's Michelle Keegan.
All dressed up and only one place to go, it's Joe Wilkinson.
From This Morning, she's here this evening, it's Alison Hammond.
Bringing double the trouble, it's comedy duo Anna Crilly and Katy Wix.
He's tasty and always comes with a bit of sauce, it's Gino D'Acampo.
He promises to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, it's comedian Rob Beckett.
He's at the top of our podium.
It's Olympic-medal-winning gymnast, Louis Smith.
And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, I'm Warwick Davis.
Welcome to the show which puts celebrities in squares.
It's well, obvious, really! Celebrity Squares.
(LAUGHTER) Let's meet them.
Hello, Squares.
ALL: Hello, Warwick! Fantastic! Welcome, Paddy McGuinness.
Welcome to the show.
Thank you, Warwick.
Lovely to see you in our centre square.
Lovely to see you, too.
Thank you.
With your clothes on.
Ooh, I say! (LAUGHTER) What a party that was! (LAUGHTER) Recently, I saw you in Phoenix Nights Live, which was absolutely brilliant.
It was great to see you and Max back together again.
Yeah, it's where we all started off, and everything.
It's come full circle, and we did the nights for Comic Relief and raised about 5m.
So, it was all good.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And then, after my fee20 quid.
(LAUGHTER) You've recently announced you're going out on tour.
What's it called? Daddy McGuinness Live.
Clever! (LAUGHTER) You have twins, don't you? A boy and a girl, Leo and Penelope.
How old are they? 19 months.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Thank you.
Is that sympathy for me, cos I look so tired? (LAUGHTER) I got lulled in by other parents.
Before you have kids, you go, 'What's it like?', and they go, 'It's the best thing ever'.
And then you have 'em and they go, 'Ha, ha, ha! Another one.
We've got you!' So, we're now at the stage where we're buying Calpol from Costco.
(LAUGHTER) Well, you'll have peace and quiet tonight, cos you're here.
Paddy McGuinness, everyone.
Cheers, Warwick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And, of course, just like a smelly old pub, we're always joined by our regulars.
It's Tim and Joe! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Now, Tim.
You are a comedian.
Cheers! (LAUGHTER) I noticed that you arrived in a new car tonight.
Yes, I've got a brand new car.
It runs on ferrets.
And, erm, I made the classic mistake this morning - I accidentally filled it up with weasel! (LAUGHTER) Thank you very much.
Tim Vine, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Joe Wilkinson, hello! Hello.
Now, this might seem like a silly question, but are you happy to be back? (LAUGHTER) Next question! (LAUGHTER) Yeah, it's nice to be back.
After last series I, ermI left my lunch box.
(LAUGHTER) It's my favourite, cos it's got a little unicorn on it.
AUDIENCE: Aw! That's basically why I agreed to come back.
(LAUGHTER) Still don't know what all this is, but you know (LAUGHTER) Give it a go.
Good luck, guys! I'm here if you need me.
Well, Joe, we're glad you're here.
Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, let's meet the contestants who'll be playing for that chance to win our 25.
000 jackpot.
Representing the Noughts, we have Zoe.
Tell our Squares about yourself.
(APPLAUSE) Hello, Squares! SQUARES: Hello, Zoe! I'm Zoe.
I'm 38 and I'm a lecturer from Birmingham.
Yeah! Lovely! (APPLAUSE) And Zoe, you've got some interesting hobbies as well.
I do.
I'm an avid knitter.
I knit every day, Warwick.
I love it.
You love to knit? Yes.
What, scarves, jumpers? Useful things? Mainly boobs.
(LAUGHTER) Boobs! Yeah.
I knit boobs.
Why would you be knitting a breast? I knit them for midwives and health visitors to use as, er, breastfeeding aids for new mums to teach them how to feed their babies.
I see! Wow! Yeah.
Do you have any with you? I've got three.
Show off! (LAUGHTER) Let's have a look.
I do a variety of sizes and shapes.
Can I just feel one? Look at that! The detail is exquisite.
(LAUGHTER) Very good.
There you go.
Thank you.
Good luck in the game.
Zoe, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Now, let's see who you'll be squaring up against tonight.
Representing the Crosses, we have Will.
Introduce yourself to our Squares.
Hi, Squares.
SQUARES: Hi, Will! (APPLAUSE) My name's Will.
I'm 35 and I'm a firefighter from Huddersfield.
PADDY: Get in! (APPLAUSE) So, Will.
You say you're a firefighter.
I know what firefighters are like.
I expect you have lots of nicknames for each other.
Big Will, perhaps! Erm, Fireman Will.
Well, we did have a job a few years ago where we rescued some cats from a flat fire.
And I were resuscitating them outside.
So, I was called the Cat Doctor for a while after that.
(LAUGHTER) You resuscitated a cat.
How on earth do you do that? Little bit of oxygen, just very gently.
Luckily, they coughed back into life.
So, it's not meowth-to-meowth resuscitation! (LAUGHTER) Good luck tonight, Will.
Our contestants, everyone! (APPLAUSE) So, here's how it works.
You choose a Square and I ask them a question and they answer it.
Each time you correctly agree or disagree with their answer, you win 50 and your symbol goes into that square.
Remember, our celebrities are encouraged to occasionally bluff.
If you don't guess correctly, your opponent's symbol will go into that square unless, of course, it would give you a win.
In that case, the square is back in open play.
Simple! To win a game, plus a 500 bonus, you need to get three squares in a row.
It can be up and down, like this.
Across, like that.
Or diagonally, like this.
That's the rules done.
Now, let's start with Game One.
(APPLAUSE) Now, Zoe, you won the coin-toss backstage.
Who's your starting Square? I think I'm gonna have to go for Paddy.
(APPLAUSE) Paddy, here's your question.
I'm hairy, South American, wear a red hat and in 2014 I starred in a film.
Who am I? Hairy, South American, wears an 'at.
Is that Joe's Tinder account you're talking about? (LAUGHTER) I'm thinking Che Guevara.
What do you think about that, Zoe? I disagree.
What?! You're right to disagree.
(APPLAUSE) So, you get that square.
The answer was Paddington Bear.
Who would you like to go with? Joe Wilkinson, please.
Here we go, Joe.
Look! He's excited.
Joe, according to a poll by a leading mattress brand, what do men find the sexiest thing for women to wear in bed? (LAUGHTER) Ooh! Erm IOoh.
I like a lady to wear a crash helmet.
(LAUGHTER) But I also like a classic PJ.
-I'm gonna disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
So, Nought gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) Yes, it was indeed pyjamas.
Right, Zoe.
Your turn.
Where would you like to go? Er, Rob for the win, please.
Rob Beckett.
Welcome back.
Thanks for having me.
Since we saw you last, you've got married.
Thanks very much.
(APPLAUSE) How has life changed for you since you tied the knot? There's, like, new rules.
Oh, yeah.
When I used to have a shower, all I had to concentrate on was getting dry.
Now, there's two new towels.
When I get out, I need to wipe the shower door with one.
And once that's done, I need to wipe it again with a different one.
(LAUGHTER) I don't even know what these two towels do.
But I've got to get 'em in the right order, or we'll have to burn the shower down.
(LAUGHTER) Here's your question.
In which decade was the first Tupperware party held in the UK? I reckon it's quite old.
Not the Forties, though.
Cos that was, like, the war, weren't it.
You only got an egg a week.
(LAUGHTER) I reckon the Fifties? The Fifties.
I agree with Rob.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So, Cross gets that square.
-Sorry, Zoe! The answer was the Sixties.
Oh! I've never really fitted in at Tupperware parties.
I've come close, but never managed to get the lid closed.
Your turn.
I'd like to pick Gino D'Acampo.
Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Buonasera, buonasera, buonasera.
I can't help saying your name like that.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Ginno! That's a good way to say it.
How would you say my name? I woulda say War Wick (LAUGHTER) .
because in Italy we say every single letter.
So, War Wick.
(LAUGHTER) You're a cook or a chef.
A cook.
Yeah, a cook is better because a chef is too fancy.
But you're quite fancy, aren't you? Am I? You're a very fancy man! Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you, Paddy.
You're very welcome.
What kind of fancy do you mean? I fancy ya! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I do! -Hammond, back off, he's mine! (LAUGHTER) Right, Gino.
What is the hardest thing in the human body? (LAUGHTER) I'm checking my encyclopaedia.
One second.
(LAUGHTER) What is that, Gino, you're reading? That's my latest book.
What is the hardest thing in the human body? Er, I know this one.
Yeah? Is, er, fingernails.
I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree.
So, Cross gets that square.
The answer was tooth enamel.
Tooth enamel is made up of about 96% mineral, unlike Rob Beckett, who is made up of about 96% tooth enamel! (LAUGHTER) Zoe, your turn.
Anna and Katy for the block, please.
Here we go.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome, Anna and Katy.
You're a double act, of course.
And Katy, you've played Tim's girlfriend, haven't you? Yes.
Hi, Tim.
Nice to see you again.
So, how did you manage to convince people that, er, you fancied him! (LAUGHTER) Just good acting! And he pays me, of course! (LAUGHTER) Right.
In May 2014, a picture of Kim Kardashian's what, became the most liked Instagram photo ever? I thought I saw a picture of her, erm, having a birthday party at a Wetherspoons.
(LAUGHTER) We're gonna go with her oily bum.
Her derriere.
Did you see that picture? Not in May 2014, so I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree.
(APPLAUSE) So, Nought gets that square and successfully blocks.
The picture was their wedding picture.
Kim and Kanye spent four days touching up the picture.
Presumably, it was to reduce the size ofKanye's head! (LAUGHTER) Will, your turn.
I'd like Alison Hammond for the block, please.
Oh, here we go! (APPLAUSE) I'm on it.
Alison, I'm 13 and a half inches, eight and a half pounds and lots of celebrities dream of getting their hands on me.
What am I? OK.
So, celebrities.
They always wanna get their hands on something, don't they.
I would say they'd like to get their hands on an award.
So, I would go for a Nobel prize.
When I heard it, I were thinking of the Oscars.
Because of that, I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree.
So, Cross gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was an Oscar statuette, or an Academy Award.
Zoe, your turn.
Er, Tim Vine for the win, please.
Come on, Zoe.
Come on! Tim, which artiste's music was used in a UK aquarium to encourage sharks to mate? It's good that you've asked me, because it's something I know about.
I was on a ship the other day.
There were bits of lamb floating by.
I thought, 'It's getting choppy'! (LAUGHTER) I said, "I'm going to the back of the boat".
He said, "Stern?" I said, (STERNLY) "I'm going to the back!" This sounds like a joke, but it's true.
Bob Marley and the Wailers.
(LAUGHTER) What do you think about that? I agree! You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
AUDIENCE: Aw! So, Cross gets that square.
The answer was Barry White.
Will, your turn.
I'd like Louis Smith for the win, please.
Hey, Louis.
(APPLAUSE) How's it going? Louis, if you were in Bolton and someone asked you to "Put wood int' 'ole", what would they want you to do? I've been asked this before.
My answer is, er, posting a letter.
I found out the hard way, yeah.
I know the answer, cos my Dad says it regularly.
Does he? Yeah, and it's, to close the door.
Based on that, I'm gonna disagree.
You're right to disagree.
(APPLAUSE) Cross gets the square, wins that game and a bonus of 500.
Congratulations! So, after the first game, Zoe has 100 and Will has 650.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Two, when they'll be playing for more cash, and one of them could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! (APPLAUSE) You're doing very well.
Thanks for being here.
Can I just see your breasts again! (LAUGHTER) Oh, hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
Before the break, Will won the first game and is currently in the lead with 650.
But there's more games to be played.
(APPLAUSE) So, anything can happen.
Now, it's time for our second game.
(APPLAUSE) This game is just like the first, except hidden out there is a Mystery Square.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Oh, yes! If a contestant finds a Mystery Square, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
Thanks to our friends at icelolly.
com you and a friend could be packing your bags and jetting off to Water Square, Jamaica.
You'll have a whole week to kick back and relax on an all-inclusive stay.
(APPLAUSE) Right, now it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, this is where they'll find the Mystery Square.
Zoe, you're playing catch-up, which means you go first.
Who would you like to choose? I'd like to go for my fellow countrywoman, Alison Hammond, please.
Well done, Zoe.
(APPLAUSE) Now, Alison, you've interviewed all the biggest names in Hollywood.
But I don't want to be rude.
I can't remember us ever chatting.
(LAUGHTER) I feel like I could interview you now.
Here is your opportunity.
Oh, my gosh! I'm nervous.
You can ask whatever you want.
Fire away.
So, I just wanna know the truth.
Am I your favourite out of this lot? Sorry, I don't speak to the press.
(LAUGHTER) Alison, if I put a Champion Scarlet Horn on your plate, what colour would you expect it to be? I do know this, darling.
Because I used to have an allotment, and grow a lot of veg.
It's a carrot, so I would say it's orange.
I agree.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Right, Will.
Your turn.
I'd like to pick Anna and Katy, please.
Here we go, ladies.
American Fuzzy Lops, Flemish Giants and Hotots are types of what animal? It sounds like a rabbit.
The lops.
Yeah, I agree.
We'll try rabbit.
Rabbit, please.
I'm gonna agree with that.
You're right to agree, so Cross gets that square.
Well done! (APPLAUSE) Zoe, your turn.
Er, Paddy McGuinness, please.
Paddy, you've got a show, Take Me Out, and on it I've noticed you've got a lot of catch phrases.
I've got a couple.
'Be there and be square', that's one.
And, 'That's the rules done, it's time for Game One'.
It doesn't rhyme on Game Two! (LAUGHTER) Have you got any suggestions, cos you've got loads, haven't you? You told me you put milk in Bolognese.
Let the nut see the case! (LAUGHTER) Who puts milk in a Bolognese! What's that about? Every Italians does that.
No chance.
They don't! When is the last time you were in Italy? He's got a point.
(LAUGHTER) Paddy, here's your question.
In a recent survey, which accent was voted the least attractive in the British Isles? I do remember hearing this somewhere.
And Zoe, you might not like this, or Alison.
The Brummie accent.
Depressingly, I think I agree.
You're right to agree.
So, Nought gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) I feel like I need to stick up for the Birmingham accent.
It's a beautiful language.
What is that awful noise! (LAUGHS) Oh, sorry, Alison! Sorry, mate! I think you sound lovely.
Thank you.
And you do.
Will, your turn.
Er, let's pick Louis Smith for the block, please.
Of course, you are an Olympic medallist.
You're a gymnast.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) If I was to take up gymnastics, what discipline do you think I would be suited for? You do the pommel horse, don't you? Yeah.
Do they do, like, a Shetland pommel horse? (LAUGHTER) Probably the rings, you know, would be suited for you.
The rings? Yeah.
Yeah, I've got good upper body strength.
It benefits short levers.
I'm terrible on the rings.
Short levers? Yeah.
Bit personal! (LAUGHTER) OK, Louis.
The first ever edition of The Daily Mirror came with a free what? Erm, I'm gonna guess bookmark.
There it is.
Bookmark, What do you think about that? I don't think The Daily Mirror and bookmarks go together.
I'm gonna have to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so Cross gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was a mirror.
I thought there was a free mirror in my paper this morning, but it was a picture of David Beckham.
(LAUGHTER) Zoe, your turn.
Er, Michelle Keegan, please.
(CHEERING) Ah, Michelle.
Thanks, Zoe.
Thank you.
Welcome to the game, Michelle.
What object would I be giving you if I had two fingers in the frog? (LAUGHTER) Er, the only thing I'm thinking of where you put two fingers Yeah, go on! (LAUGHTER) I don't know where this is going! No, no, no.
Let it go wherever you want! Erm, I would say a bowling ball.
ErmI agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
Aw, sorry! So, Cross gets that square.
The answer was a brick.
When laying bricks with frogs, the frogs should be facing up.
Frog fact for you there.
Don't get that on The Chase! (LAUGHTER) Will, your turn.
I'd like to pick Tim Vine, please.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Well done, Will.
You've found the Mystery Square.
Now, if you take this square, you'll be going to Jamaica.
So, best of luck.
Here we go.
True or false, Tim.
The Canary Islands were named after the canary.
This is serious, I can see that.
By the way, don't join the army, cos when they say, "Fire at will" you'll be in trouble! (LAUGHTER) I think sometimes the obvious answer is the right answer.
Canary? Canary.
Let's say, true.
My gut instinct is to disagree.
You are right to disagree.
(CHEERING) So, Cross gets the square AND you win a holiday to Jamaica.
Congratulations! (APPLAUSE) Yes, the word, canary, comes from the Latin word for dog, canaria.
The birds were named after the islands, not the other way round.
Zoe, your turn.
Rob for the block, please.
Rob, what is on the county flag of Essex? I think I know this, cos I watched The Jump, and Joey Essex was on it.
He had it on his Lycra outfit.
I'm proud to be the first person to learn something from Joey Essex.
(LAUGHTER) I think it's three swords.
I agree.
You're right to agree, so Nought gets that square and successfully blocks.
(APPLAUSE) Will, your turn.
I'd like, er, Joe Wilkinson for the win, please.
Here we go, Joe.
The pressure's on, sir.
True or false.
The number of chickens on earth outnumber humans by roughly three to one.
Let's go to break! (LAUGHTER) Seems like a lot of pressure now.
I'm going to say yes.
I'm going to agree with Joe.
You're right to agree.
Yes! So, Cross gets that square, wins the game and the bonus of 500.
Well done! (APPLAUSE) Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Zoe, you've got 250 and Will, you've got 1.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There's plenty more cash to be won as it's now time for our third game, which we call Square Essentials.
(APPLAUSE) The Squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestants must agree if they think they're telling the truth, or disagree if they think they're bluffing.
It's a double-money game.
It's 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
AUDIENCE: Woo! But be aware, this game is timed.
So, if you hear this sound (KLAXON) the game is over and the contestant with the most squares on the board will win the game.
Zoe, you're behind, but still got it all to play for.
Where would you like to go? Gino, please.
Here we go, Gino.
Let's hear your Square Essential.
I designed sauna and garden furniture.
He says he designed garden furniture.
(LAUGHTER) And sauna.
And Not sonar, saunas! Is he taking the mick? He's taking the mick! (LAUGHTER) He's having a right pop! Is he? He looks like a creative soul.
I'm gonna agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
AUDIENCE: Aw! So, Cross gets that square.
I'd like to pick Paddy McGuinness, please.
OK, Paddy.
Good lad, Will.
Let's hear your Square Essential, sir.
I once went skydiving with Boris Becker.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, lap it up! Yeah, I think I'm gonnaI'm gonna agree with him.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Sorry, Will.
Nought gets that square.
Right, Zoe.
Your turn.
Er, Louis, please.
Here we go, Louis.
Let's hear yours.
So, the high majority of people, their arm span is the same length as their height.
Me, I'm 17cm longer, er, with my arm span than my height.
So, Louis is saying his arm span is 17cm greater than his height.
That's roughly 6.
6 inches.
I agree.
You're right to agree! That is indeed true.
So, Nought gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) Louis, that's amazing.
Can you demonstrate? (LAUGHTER) Wow! Small wrists as well, haven't you, for a big guy.
Hello! Your, sort of, genetic oddness has led to a career.
I think I was supposed to be a naturally taller person anyway.
I've got big feet, big hands, erm Yeah, that's enough! (LAUGHTER) Will, your turn, sir.
I'd like to pick Alison Hammond for the block, please.
I once hit George Clooney in the face.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna agree with that.
You're right to agree.
So, Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Brilliant.
It was the first time I'd ever done a red carpet.
And, erm, I got a little enthusiastic.
I had my microphone and jabbed him in the face.
What did he say? He said, 'Ow!' (LAUGHTER) Zoe, your turn.
-Er, Tim, please.
-OK, Tim.
I once entered a competition for growing runner beans.
I won the competition for tallest runner bean, and it was taller than my house.
(LAUGHTER) I disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
AUDIENCE: Aw! It was true.
(KLAXON) That sound signifies the end of the game.
Congratulations, Will.
You've won that game and the bonus of 1.
(APPLAUSE) So, let's reveal the contestant with the most cash, who's going through to our final, with a chance to win 25.
Zoe has 350.
And, going through to our final is Will, with 2.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Will.
You're through to our final game.
(APPLAUSE) Unfortunately, Zoe, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun this evening? Had a lovely time.
Thank you so much.
Zoe, everyone! Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in Part Three, when Will could walk away with that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go any square! (APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, where Will has made it through to our final game, Question Line.
Congratulations, Will, for getting this far.
Thank you.
How do you feel? Er, nervous and excited.
Now, have you thought about what you might spend the money on if you won tonight? Well, we're getting married this summer, me and me fiancee, and we're also moving house.
So, any money towards that would be welcome.
Best of luck.
You've got someone cheering you on in the studio.
Who is it? That's my future brother-in-law, Adam.
Your future brother-in-law? Yeah.
Is he checking up on you? Making sure you're not on a jolly in London? (LAUGHTER) That's about right, yeah! Brilliant.
I'm sure he's rooting for you.
So are we.
Good luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
Here's your line of questioning.
You have Michelle Keegan Paddy McGuinness and Gino D'Acampo.
And here are their subjects.
Right, Will.
Whose category would you like? Erm, I'll have to go with Paddy McGuinness and Premier League Football Teams, please.
You've chosen Premier League Football Teams.
Why that category? Typical lad, I suppose.
I like me football.
It's the one I'd feel most confident on.
Well, best of luck.
Here we go.
Paddy McGuinness is a big fan of Bolton Wanderers Football Club, a club that made their first Premier League appearance in 1995.
And its last in 2012.
Sorry, Paddy! I need you to name other football teams that have played in the Premier League since it started in 1992.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins 1.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that 25.
000 jackpot.
Remember, you must wait for me to say Yes or No, before we move on to the next question.
Ready? Yeah.
Your time starts now! Newcastle United.
-Manchester City.
-Manchester United.
-Birmingham City.
-Aston Villa.
Congratulations! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Will, you lit all nine squares, winning 25.
Congratulations! Wow! (CHEERING CONTINUES) We're gonna add the 25.
000 to the 2.
450 you won earlier, to give you a grand total of (WHOOPING AND CHEERING) You must be happy with that! Delighted! Brilliant.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Will, thanks to our Squares.
Goodbye, Squares.
(CHEERING) And of course, thanks to you at home for watching.
See you next time.
Good night! And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.