Celebrity Squares (2014) s02e03 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 3

1 'In the squares tonight, we have His jokes are always mighty fine, it's Here from the dangerously wonky cobbles of Coronation Street, it's He's definitely not your average Joe.
He's the bearded wonder Well, smack my pony.
It's the delightful comedienne and actress From the world of stand-up comedy, it's the hilarious You ain't seen "muffin" yet.
From The Great British Bake-Off She's as British as maple syrup.
It's Canadian comic Ready to tackle the questions? It's England International Rugby player And in the centre square, on with lipstick and funny quips, it's our chairman of the board' Hello.
I'm Warwick Davis.
Welcome to Celebrity Squares.
the show with nine celebrities, two contestants, one prize, and half a game show host.
But that's enough about me.
Hello, squares! ALL: Hi, Warwick! Julian, how are you? Oh, I'm bearing up.
It's so exciting, you know.
I'm not only a celebrity in a square, but I'm in the central square, which means I'm more important, as celebrities go.
So you're going to enjoy being the centre of attention tonight, then? I'm having a lovely time already.
You're not aware, but below the counter, I'm not on a chair.
I've set myself up with a bidet.
(LAUGHTER) I had a bit of personal chafing.
I see.
So your production crew provided me with soapy water, and it's all clearing up nicely, thank you.
Pleasure to have you here, Julian.
Thank you.
Julian Clary, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now let's meet our regulars, or, as I like to call them, Weirdy and Beardy.
It's Tim and Joe.
Tim, you are a comedian.
Write that down, viewers.
And as a comedian, you must travel all over the world.
Have you lived abroad, though? I used to live in a teapot.
I know what you're thinking - "POUR you.
" (LAUGHTER) I'm frightened of aeroplanes.
I was in an airport and I said to this woman - (CLUCKS) She said, "No, sir, this is the CHECK-IN desk.
" (LAUGHTER) Joe Wilkinson, there you are.
I've got a question.
You come here, you play the game, you do your best.
I do my best.
What are you doing after the show? I'm not asking you out, I'm just wondering.
What am I doing - nothing.
I'm not doing anything.
AUDIENCE: Awww! No, I'm not doing anything, so soI might just stay here.
(LAUGHTER) So if we could get on with it, cos I quite fancy an early night.
(LAUGHTER) Katherine, welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
Thank you for having me back, sir.
Now, what advice, being an old-timer, would you give the rest of our celebrities who are debuting tonight? Yeah, I mean, I'd say just go for it.
You can forget about trousers on a show like this.
Don't waste your time, you know what I mean? You're hidden from the waist down.
You can just really make yourself at home.
Look away, Ugo.
Just - watch out, Davis.
You can just really go for it.
Katherine Ryan, everyone.
(CHEERING) Those are our naughty nine, so now let's meet the terrible two.
It's our contestants.
Representing the Noughts, we have Maria.
Maria, tell us about yourself.
Hi, squares! ALL: Hi, Maria.
My name is Maria, I'm 28, and I'm a butcher from Blackpool.
Welcome, Maria.
Thank you.
Lovely to have you here.
You say you're a butcher.
What sort of things do you butch? I like making sausages.
They're your favourite? Lovely sausages.
Different types of sausages.
We've got a lovely one called Uncle Dave's.
Uncle Dave's sausage? Would you like to see my Uncle Dave's sausage? (LAUGHTER) Here you go.
Here's my Uncle Dave's sausage.
Would you like to hold it? No.
(LAUGHTER) It's massive.
I know, but we can cut it, put it on sandwiches, or we can hold it and eat it whole.
(LAUGHTER) Imagine that (APPLAUSE) If you don't want it, throw it over here.
Just chuck it.
Go on.
Seriously? Yes.
No, I'll get in trouble.
Yeah, lob the sausage! Lob the sausage! Get it out the way.
Ooh! (APPLAUSE) Sorry, Joe! Can we have it, please? The top's come off.
Oh, no.
Go for it, Paul.
I need a wet wipe, now.
I need a wet wipe.
Uncle Dave's made a right mess over there.
I can't spend the next hour smelling of uncle Dave's sausage.
(LAUGHTER) Who did that? What that you? Stop dripping on my head.
(LAUGHTER) I have been led to believe that you have a soft spot for a certain someone associated with Hollywood? I do, Warwick.
Do you? Yeah.
Hi, Paul.
Hello, Maria.
You all right? (GIGGLES) Yeah, I'm good.
Are you? I'm good.
(LAUGHTER) (MOUTHS SILENTLY) It's lovely to meet you, Maria.
Maria, everyone.
(CHEERING) Fabulous.
Let's see who you're squaring up against tonight.
Representing the Crosses, we have Steven.
Welcome to the show.
Introduce yourself to our squares.
Hi, squares.
ALL: Hi, Steven.
I'm Steven, I'm 33, from Edinburgh.
(CHEERING) Right, Steven, welcome to the show.
It says here you work in "IT".
What exactly is "it"? IT, Warwick.
I work with computers.
It's a safe word we usually use, cos people usually have a light that dies out in their eyes as soon as you mention computers.
I'm a software tester, so I make sure that it all works before it gets released to anybody else.
That sounds much more exciting, if you put it like that.
You sound like a bundle of fun.
(LAUGHTER) Now, your dad was on the original Celebrity Squares with the great Bob Monkhouse.
Yes, yes, he was, about 40 years ago now.
He managed to win it, as well.
He won 1.
which was a lot of money back then.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! And you've got a picture, haven't you, of the occasion.
So that's your dad there with Bob.
And they've got a lady.
Why haven't I got a lady, like they used to have on the show in those days? (LAUGHTER) She's in a bikini in the studio.
We don't have a lady.
Can we get me a lady, please, some time? (LAUGHTER) Good luck tonight, Steven.
Our contestants, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So here's how it works.
To win a game, plus the bonus of 500, you need to get three squares in a row.
That row can be up and down, like this across, like that or diagonally, like this.
Now, that's the rules done.
Let's start with Game One.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Maria, you won the coin toss backstage, so who's your starting square? I think I'm going to start with Julian Clary, please.
Very good.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Julian, if I had been to the USA and brought you a Velvet Devil, and a Purple Cowboy, what would you expect to receive? (LAUGHTER) Well, several things.
(LAUGHTER) I think they sound like confectionary.
Like chocolate, maybe.
Maria, do you agree or disagree with Julian? I think I'm going to agree on that one.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid, so Cross gets that square.
They are types of American wine.
The most common American wine, in fact, is, "Oh, why does everybody hate us?" (LAUGHTER) Steven, your turn.
I'll go with this just for my accent.
Doon Mackichan.
(CHEERING) Doon, how are you "doon" down there? I'm "doon" fine.
How you "Mackichan"? Yes.
Did you see what I did there? When I go to a doctor's surgery, they go, "Don Macki Chan, please.
" (LAUGHTER) Like Jackie Chan.
No-one ever reads my name right, so well done.
Lovely to have you here.
Whoo! Here's your question.
Tootles, Nibs, Slightly and the Twins are all companions of which fictional boy? Jeremy Clarkson.
(LAUGHTER) I think it's Pinocchio.
For some reason, I think it's Tintin, so I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
(CHEERING) So Cross gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer, though, was Peter Pan.
The boy who never grew up.
Story of my life.
(LAUGHTER) Right, Maria.
Your turn.
Ugo Monye for the block, please.
Ugo Monye.
Now, Ugo, you are a rugby player for England, and you designed the Harlequins' outfit.
I had to design our blazer which we'd wear after a game.
That's quite tough, especially trying to get the boys to model it.
They're more used to head-butting each other than dressing smart, so er You say the boys don't like modelling, but you do, don't you? You do a bit of modelling.
I've done a little bit.
I did a bit with a toiletry brand a couple of years ago, where I had to get naked.
That wasn't the difficult thing.
The difficult thing was my mum seeing the pictures and realising that I've got a tattoo on my bum which I got when I was drunk in Las Vegas - having to explain that.
or right cheek? On the right cheek.
Top or bottom? (LAUGHTER) At the top.
Is that all right? That's all I wanted to know.
(LAUGHTER) Here we go.
The Soggy Bottom series is a racing event in which competitive sport? ErmI actually did this at school.
Erm it's canoeing.
You'd get in your kayak and you'd do your little rolls and what-not.
You'd often get a soggy bottom.
I think that's where it originated from.
I'll say canoeing.
It would make sense, because it is in water, so I'm going to agree with you.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
Oh, my God.
So that square, though, is back in open play.
The correct answer is cycling.
Right, Steven, your turn.
I'll go with Ugo Monye for the win.
Back to you, Ugo.
What would you be served in the North West if you ordered Manchester caviar? when you order anything up north, you often just get chips back.
Oh! It's true, is it not? Erm but no, Manchester caviar, caviar being fish and coming from the sea, I'm going to have to say - I think it's scampi.
I think that sounds possible.
I'll agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So Nought gets that square.
The answer was mushy peas.
Maria, your turn.
I'm going to go with Tim Vine, please.
Here we go, then.
Come on, then.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Tim, what word did inventor Alexander Graham Bell recommend using when answering the telephone? You did the right thing, choosing me.
This is something I know about.
My mother used to beat me with a telephone.
I was always on the receiving end.
(LAUGHTER) It's a very obvious question, Maria.
What do you do when you answer the phone? You say "hello".
Simple as that.
He suggested saying "hello".
Maria, what do you say when you answer the phone? Hello, Pork Shop! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Let's get back to the game.
What do you think about Tim's answer? I think I'm going to agree with Tim, because it does make scientific sense to say hello.
(LAUGHTER) She's no fool, this girl.
I'm afraid you're wrong to agree.
Tim! So Cross gets that square.
The answer was, "Ahoy!" Oh.
"Hello" was the suggestion of Thomas Edison.
Steven, your turn.
I'll go for Paul Chowdhry for the win.
Of course you will.
Here we go, then.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How's it going? Good, mate.
Are you enjoying being in our square? I feel as if I've been put into a bit of a corner.
(LAUGHTER) What are you going to get me to do next - sell crisps, chocolate and confectionary? Might as well just stick this up.
(LAUGHTER) (IN INDIAN ACCENT) Only two kids at a time.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) A recent study by Ohio State University showed that standing up to your boss can reduce what? I would say your income.
(LAUGHTER) Serious answer is probably your holidays.
I don't think that sounds right.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so Cross gets the square, wins that game and a bonus of 500.
Well done.
The correct answer was stress.
So after the first game, Maria has yet to score, and Steven has 600! (CHEERING) Brilliant.
Join us in Part Two, when they'll be playing for more cash, and one of them could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square.
(CHEERING) (CHEERING) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
If you're thinking, "Hey, it's that guy from the movies", yes, you'd be right.
It's me.
Before the break, Steven won the first game and is currently in the lead with 600.
But that can all change, as there's still plenty of cash to be converted from those squares.
Time for our second game.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This game is just like the first, except hidden out there is a mystery square.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! If a contestant finds a mystery square, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination Yes, you and a friend could explore National Hero Square, located on the Caribbean island of Barbados.
Courtesy of .
you'll enjoy an all-inclusive seven-night stay in this exotic paradise.
Oh, yes.
Now it's time to release the squares! Now, for you at home, this is where they'll find the mystery square.
Maria, you're playing catch-up, so you get to go first.
Who would you like to choose? I think I'm going to kiss - I mean, pick, Paul Hollywood.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) According to a recent poll for Woman's Hour, which household chore is most commonly left to women? I'm going to say bed making, because the amount of cushions that's on our bed, and you have to take all the cushions off, then put them on in the morning - it's a nightmare.
Well, Paul, the bed does need cleaning but there's also the washing, and everything else that comes with being a lady.
So I'm going to disagree on that one.
Oh, you're wrong to disagree.
Oh! The answer was bed making.
Joe Wilkinson.
Now, we've got Paul Hollywood here, who is a master baker.
(LAUGHTER) Are you much of a baker? Oh, yeah, brilliant.
Just don't bang on about it.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) No, I am - I am brilliant.
I just mainly do gingerbread men of myself.
That's me in a that's me with a red bow tie.
(LAUGHTER) That's me on the sit-on lawnmower.
(LAUGHTER) And that's me chatting up a lion.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) So er am I good? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Steven, your turn.
I will go with Katherine Ryan.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who is known as the Duchess of Death and the Queen of Crime? It's Mary, Queen of Scots.
I know that from the film.
She killed three husbands.
One of them was Mel Gibson, so I was fine with it.
(LAUGHTER) And then she was beheaded herself.
Mary, Queen of Scots.
I don't agree, actually.
One of my ancestors was Mary, Queen of Scots' third husband.
So You're ancestors of Mel Gibson? (LAUGHTER) So I will disagree.
I think it's Agatha Christie.
You're right to disagree, so Cross gets that square.
Well done.
Indeed, the answer was Agatha Christie.
She was a qualified dispenser, which is how she acquired her knowledge of poisons.
So there you go.
Maria, your turn.
I think I'm going to go with Paul Chowdhry for the block, please.
Paul, in 2015, Jamie Oliver revealed he turned down a role in which fantasy film? The Hobbit, cos he looks like Oh, my God.
a Hobbit.
A Hobbit.
You're not being serious.
I'm going to agree with Paul.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
Thanks, Paul.
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Jamie Oliver was offered a part in exchange for cooking at Peter Jackson's 50th birthday party.
There you go.
Steven, your turn.
I will go with Julian Clary.
Will you, now! (LAUGHTER) In Germany, if I was referred to as a "sitzpinkler", I would most likely be sat down doing what? Well, you'd be enjoying yourself, wouldn't you? Have you ever sat on a pinkler? Have you? (LAUGHTER) It would change your life, Paul, I'm telling you.
It sounds likeI'm thinking of a garden sprinkler thing.
I'll agree.
I can't think of anything else.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid, so Nought gets that square.
In Germany, a "sitzpinkler" is a man who pees sitting down.
(LAUGHTER) Maria, your turn.
I'm going to go with Tim Vine for the win, please.
Here we go, Tim.
No pressure.
None at all.
True or false.
True! Oh There is a Scout Association badge for circus skills? You did the right thing, choosing me.
This is something I know about.
There we go.
(LAUGHTER) I'm a qualified lion tamer.
(LAUGHTER) I often stand in my kitchen with a chair and I say, "Stay on the floor! Stay on the floor!" Sorry, not lion tamer - LINO tamer.
(LAUGHTER) OK, so the question was true or false, there is a Scout Association badge for circus skills? It's true.
Maria, this is for the win.
It's true.
I do want to say I agree.
If you don't want to agree, you say you disagree.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to agree with Tim.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 500! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was hard work.
Tell me about it.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Congratulations, Maria.
You won that game and the 500 bonus.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Maria has 600, and Steven has 650.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, neither of you managed to find the mystery square.
If you had chosen Hayley, then you would have been playing for the holiday.
But there's still plenty more cash to be won, as it's now time for our third game, which we like to call Square Essentials.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The squares will read statements about themselves.
Our contestants agree if they think it's true, or disagree if they think they're bluffing.
Now, this is a double money game.
It's 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Oh, yes.
But be aware, this game is timed, so if you hear this sound (KLAXON) the game is over, and the contestant with the most squares on this board will win the game.
Maria, you're behind by just 50, so you've still got it all to play for.
Who would you like to start with? I'm going to start with Hayley, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hayley, let's have your Square Essential, please.
I once turned up to rehearsals for a show which human poo in my hair.
That's nice.
-It wasn't.
So Maria, do you agree or disagree with that? I agree, Hayley.
-You're right to agree.
It is true! Nought gets that square.
Well done.
(APPLAUSE) Hayley, dare I ask, what on earth happened? So before I went to my rehearsals for my very, very first day of a brand-new play, I thought I'd nip in the shopping centre to go to the toilet.
I put my handbag down on the floor.
And I could smell something really funny and I thought, "The girl in the toilet next to me must be having a terrible time.
" So I left the toilet and I met my friend.
And she went, "What's that on your top?" And I looked, and I knew straight away.
I'd put my handbag down in poo.
AUDIENCE: Eurgh! Actual poo on the floor.
And then I'd put my strap of my handbag over myself, and you know when you put your handbag over and flick your hair out like that.
So I'd flicked the poo into my own hair.
So it was all in a clump in my hair, it was all over my top, and it was all in my hands, cos I'd put my handbag on me.
So I turned up to rehearsals covered in poo.
Enjoy your tea, viewers.
Steven, your turn.
I will go with Ugo Monye.
Ugo Monye.
So I've got many hidden talents.
One of them is that I can actually opera-sing.
I always feel that, for an opera singer, you've got to be - not that you're a small man, but a little bit on the wider side.
So I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree, so Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Just out of interest, do we have any opera singers out there, anyone? # O mio babbino caro Mi piace, e bello, bello (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's impressive.
Thank you.
Maria, your turn.
Julian Clary, please.
I'm a huge fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
(LAUGHTER) ErmI'm going to disagree with you, because No, you're better than that.
(LAUGHTER) You're right to disagree! So Nought gets the square.
Now, Steven, your turn.
I will go with Paul Hollywood for the block.
Thank you, Paul.
Queen Mother once said I had fantastic scones.
(LAUGHTER) If a master baker's going to bake for anyone, I'd imagine it's the Queen Mother.
I'll agree.
You're right to agree.
Cross gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) Maria, your turn.
-I'll go with Katherine Ryan, please.
I have never seen an episode of Friends.
I'm just going to completely disagree with that, because everybody has to have seen one.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
Well done.
(APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) Oh, that sound marks the end of the game.
But congratulations, Maria, because you've won the game and the bonus of 1.
000! Thank you.
(CHEERING) So now let's reveal the contestant with the most cash, who's going through to our final, for a chance to win that 25.
000 jackpot.
Steven has 850.
And going through to our final is Maria, with 1.
Oh, my God.
(CHEERING) You did it! So you're going through to our final game.
You just wouldn't think it, would you? You wouldn't.
I definitely wouldn't think it.
Unfortunately, Steven, we say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? Yes.
Absolute pleasure.
You're taking home 850.
Enjoy spending the money you've won tonight.
Steven, everyone! (CHEERING) Well done.
Join us in Part Three, when Maria could walk away with that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go any square.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, where Maria has made it through to our final game - Question Line.
Congratulations for getting this far.
Thank you.
Do you know what to spend your winnings on? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Would you care to tell me? (LAUGHS) I'm going to put it towards my cake business.
A cake business.
Yeah, expand that.
How would you expand a cake business? I'd promote it more - Make bigger cakes.
- so I'd get more orders.
Yeah, more cakes.
Maybe you could ask Paul.
Hi, Paul.
Actually, no.
He probably doesn't want you anywhere near him.
(LAUGHTER) You have people in the audience cheering you on.
Who are they? It's my brother Mike.
He's just sat over there.
There he is.
He admitted it, as well.
(LAUGHTER) Well, good luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
OK, Maria, here's your line of questioning.
You have And here are their subjects.
West End Musicals.
Pedigree Dogs.
TV Judges.
Now, Maria, whose category would you like? I think I might go West End Musicals, because I do enjoy watching them and I have been to quite a few.
So you're going with West End Musicals, which is Hayley's category.
OK, well, good luck.
Here we go.
Hayley Tamaddon has been in a number of West End musicals, including the fabulous Mamma Mia, which was one of the top 20 longest-running West End musicals of all time.
I need you to name other West End musicals which feature on that list.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you 1.
Light all nine squares, and you'll take home that 25.
000 jackpot.
Remember, you must wait for me to say yes or no before you move on to your next answer.
Are you ready? I think so, yes.
Your time starts now.
Miss Saigon.
Bye Bye Birdie.
Erm Hairspray.
Erm Come on.
West Side Story.
Congratulations, Maria.
You lit four squares, which gives you 4.
(CHEERING) Hayley, any more? -Phantom Of The Opera.
Starlight Express.
Yeah, a lot more.
Grease - I don't think you said.
Oliver! The Lion King.
We're going to add the 4.
000 you've just won to the 1.
900 you won earlier, to give you a grand total of 5.
900! (CHEERING) Thank you.
You must be happy with that.
Well done.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Maria.
Thanks to our squares.
Goodbye, squares! (CHEERING) And of course, thanks to you at home for watching.
See you next time.
Good night.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And here's who will be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.