Celebrity Squares (2014) s02e04 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 4

In the squares tonight, we have - a man with more first-class deliveries than the Royal Mail, it's - She's always at the top of our league, it's sports presenter - He's even funnier than he looks - and, yes, that's possible, it's - They love the letter J so much, they've formed a union, it's boyband - She's s-happy and she knows it, so clap your hands, it's funny woman - For comedy with no strings attached, there's no-one better than the hilarious - They call him the blurter from Alberta - well, they do now - it's Canadian funny man - Always giving more, more, more, it's glamorous TV presenter - And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board, it's Mr (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and welcome to Celebrity Squares.
Of course, the original host of this show was the great Bob Monkhouse.
Those are big shoes to fill, especially for me! Hello, Squares.
-ALL: Hello, Warwick.
-Very good to have you here.
Jonathan? -Yes, Warwick.
It's your second time on the show.
Great to have you back.
I came back for several reasons.
I came back because I love Celebrity Squares.
I used to watch it, growing up in the '90s, and I love this show.
(CHUCKLES) No.
2, I love you, Warwick.
Who doesn't love Warwick Davis, ladies and gentlemen? (CHEERING) And I love Jonathan.
Also the main reason I'm back is last time I left my jacket in the dressing room.
Have you got it back? -Yes.
The sweets in the pocket are still there.
Fantastic.
Jonathan Ross, everyone! -Hello.
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Now, let's meet our regulars.
When the producer said we needed two absolutely hilarious comedians to appear on the show every single week, I immediately said, 'Let's ask Tim and Joe.
They must know someone.
' Tim, you are a comedian, sir.
Fingers crossed.
And I must say, you're looking particularly smart this week.
Thank you very much.
Are you a follower of fashion? Yes.
I went to a fashion show the other day.
I said, 'How come that catwalk's on a slight slope?' They said, 'That's the Calv-incline!' -Ohh, good.
But I do like clothes.
I went to the shoe shop.
I said, 'I want my shoes fixed.
' He said, 'Soled?' I said (SOUL) # I want my shoes fixed So, yes, I follow fashion.
But mainly, I'm ready for these questions.
Ready? Great.
Good to have you here.
Tim Vine, everyone.
Yes! Now, Joe.
Hello, mate.
-Hello.
-You're sitting next to Union J.
-That's them.
Have you ever considered being in a boyband? -It's all I think about it.
Is it? But it's not happened.
It's doing my head in why it hasn't happened.
These guys are big inspirations of mine.
I've got a tattoo of Union J, actually.
-What?! -Yeah.
I'll show you.
I've got a little tattoo of the boys.
That's so freaky.
Hey! Ahh! Do you want to join us? Come on in.
Do you want to come in? It's real.
Touch it.
Come on, touch it.
All four of you, touch it.
Oh, yeah, it's nice.
Thank you.
Now, can I have a clump of your hair? Nah.
Gone off 'em.
Now let's meet the two members of the public who have long dreamt of appearing on TV with some of Britain's best-loved celebrities.
It's our disappointed contestants.
Representing the noughts we have Danielle.
Tell our Squares about yourself.
Hi, Squares.
ALL: Hi, Danielle.
I'm Danielle.
I'm 28.
I'm from Leeds.
I'm an intern.
Brilliant.
Oh, yes! (APPLAUSE) Hello, Danielle.
Welcome to the show.
You're looking lovely this evening.
So are you.
Thank you very much.
You say you're an intern.
What are you interning in? I'm at university at the moment, studying business and marketing.
So I'm currently working at a placement in a radio station and also a Rugby League TV show.
Very good.
Sounds exciting.
I understand one of your guilty pleasures is here tonight.
Yes, they are.
THEY are?! It's Union J.
-Oh, really? -You are a pleasure, not just guilty.
What is it about them? Is it their hair gel? What is it? What do you like? The whole package.
Look at their smiles.
Although they make me feel old.
I'm nearly 30.
They make me feel old.
You could be their mum.
(INCREDULOUS LAUGH) Hi, boys! Come to Mummy! Sounds a bit wrong.
Brilliant.
Danielle, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Now, let's see who you'll be squaring up against tonight.
Representing the crosses, we have Stevie.
Welcome, Stevie.
Introduce yourself to our Squares.
Hello, Squares.
ALL: Hello, Stevie.
-My name's Stevie.
I'm 49 and I'm a charity director.
Very good.
That deserves applause.
So, Stevie, welcome to the show.
You're a charity director.
Tell us about that.
I direct a youth charity based in King's Cross, trying to progress young people in whichever way we can.
That's excellent.
What do you do in your spare time? I'm quite passionate about Capoeira.
What is it? It's a dance and a martial art mixed together.
You do moves, you do kicks, you do somersaults, to avoid being touched by the other person.
I've been to a few nightclubs like that! I'm also told that you have a party trick.
My trick is that I do Donald Duck impressions.
Hit me with it.
(MIMICS DONALD DUCK) That's pretty good.
That's pretty good.
I believe, though, Stevie, we have someone else here who claims they can do a better one.
Who is it? JJ.
I don't think it's as good as that, but I try.
Again, it's a party trick.
Let's have a duck-off.
(MIMICS DONALD DUCK) (RESPONDS AS DONALD DUCK) (THEY CONVERSE IN DONALD DUCK QUACKS) I was stuck in a lift with Jedward once, and it sounded just like that.
If you've just tuned in, you're watching Celebrity Squares' duck-off.
(APPLAUSE) Our contestants, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, here's how it works.
To win a game plus a bonus of 500, you need to get three squares in a row.
That row can be up and down like this .
.
across like that or diagonally like this.
That's the rules done.
Now let's start with game one.
(APPLAUSE) Now, Stevie, you won the coin toss backstage.
So you get to go first.
Who's your starting Square? I think I'm gonna go Jonathan Ross.
Yes, thank you, Stevie.
Centre square.
Got to go centre square.
That's tactics.
That's tactics.
How come you're only 49? You could be in that band.
You don't look 49.
What are you rubbing on your face? I need to know.
Healthy coconut oil.
Is that what it is? That's the vegetarian lifestyle.
We could do that.
-Yeah.
I often dream that we run away together and set up a little antique shop in Brighton, and live as a couple of odd gay vegans! Right, Jonathan, my periwinkle is slimy This isn't Embarrassing Bodies, you know?! .
.
has a hard shell and is popular on beaches around the British Isles.
What is it? -Right, OK.
I know what your periwinkle is.
-Hm It's a sea cucumber.
-What do you think of that? -I disagree.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets that square.
A periwinkle is a sea snail.
Danielle, it's your turn.
Where would you like to go? With Shappi Khorsandi, please.
Shappi, according to a poll by chillisauce.
co.
uk, what day of the year will your boyfriend most likely propose? I would say Valentine's Day, and I imagine that's the most common day to ruin someone's life.
I'm actually going to disagree because I think that men aren't that into Valentine's Day, or the people I've dated haven't been.
So that's the only reason that I disagree.
You're right to disagree.
So nought gets the square.
The answer in fact was Christmas Eve.
It was top with 32%, followed by Valentine's Day with 30%.
Stevie, your turn.
I'm going to go with Gabby Logan.
Welcome, Gabby.
Thank you.
Gabby, which alcoholic drink makes a Pisco Sour? I have had a few Pisco Sours.
It sounds wrong, doesn't it? It's whisky.
Right I would disagree with that.
You're right to disagree.
So cross gets that square.
The answer was brandy.
Right, Danielle, your turn.
For the block, can I have Nina Conti, please? Nina Conti, I am a huge fan.
I must say, you're looking lovely tonight.
Thank you.
I was talking to the monkey! 'Oh!' Right, Nina and Monkey.
Yes.
'Yes.
' According to the 2015 UK Optimism Audit, what do Brits worry about the most? What's the answer, Monkey? What do you think Brits worry about the most? 'Their hair.
' No, I think it's work.
I think it's work.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
So nought gets that square and the block.
No, Brits worry about getting old.
Yes, I had my 21st birthday recently, and it really does give you a fresh perspective on things.
Pssst! Tony, what's up, man? She is controlling the monkey.
Oh! Stevie, your turn, sir.
Laura Whitmore, please.
-Here we go, Laura.
Stevie, you haven't gone for the block.
Is there a tactical reason why you haven't done that? I'll say! Or was it Laura who drew your attention up there in the middle? I'm just happy to be picked.
I'm just happy to be picked.
Laura, in 2014, the Canadian government banned which popular British spread? If only I knew someone who was Canadian, that was close to me.
Oh, hello.
So can I do a little bit of research? Not really.
You can't do research like that.
OK, British spread Let me think.
British spread Dairylea.
Dairylea? We've got a debate going on here.
Gabby maintains Dairylea isn't a spread.
What is it, then? It's spreadable.
You can spread it on a cracker.
You wouldn't call ketchup a spread, and you can spread that.
I wouldn't call Dairylea I'm with the Logan-meister on this.
And he's Canadian! Union boys - Dairylea? He should have chose me.
(WHISTLES) Oi, boys, wake up! Put your phones down.
Get off Tinder.
Listen! I can see everything.
It IS a spread.
It comes in a spread.
In triangles.
What do you mean a spread? It's like a liquid cheese It comes in all kinds of varieties.
It comes in a tub as well.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Stop talking, Celebrities.
You've opened up a can of worms.
OK, Laura, let's confirm your answer.
What are you going to go with? I was confident with Dairylea, and now I'm not so much, but I'm going to stick with my initial answer.
I'm going to disagree with that answer.
You're right to disagree.
So cross gets that square.
The answer was Marmite or Bovril.
That's not a spread.
Bovril's a drink.
Yeah.
No, it is a spread.
Bovril's not a spread! It IS a spread.
It's not a spread.
Is it a spread? There is a Bovril spread.
Bovril's not a spread! In Canada, it's considered a spread! Who cares about Canada?! Exactly! Right, Danielle, it's your turn.
For the win, I will go with Tony Law.
All right, Tony.
The pressure's on.
Queen guitarist Brian May leads a campaign to vaccinate which type of wild, furry creature? His hair.
(GUFFAWS) But, seriously, yeah, it's foxes because they were getting all sick and biting people and people was getting all crazy.
But he looks really convincing.
So are you going to agree or disagree? Agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So cross gets that square.
The answer was badgers.
Stevie, your turn.
For the win, I'm going to take Union J, please.
Here we go.
Right, for the win Stevie, you're catching on now, aren't you? You're all over this noughts and crosses malarkey.
Right, Union J.
Which Bill Murray film is set around Gobbler's Knob? (LAUGHTER) Jaymi The one that the day goes around and around.
What's that called? Erm Erm Groundhog Day.
Groundhog Day? Groundhog Day? I do know the film.
I've not heard of Gobbler's Knob in it.
So I'm going to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
So nought gets that square.
Attaboy! So the answer was Groundhog Day.
In the film, Bill's character is a weatherman who experiences the same day over and over again.
Right, Danielle, your turn.
For the win, Joe Wilkinson.
Joe.
(GROANS) A lot of pressure.
Which country creates the most varieties of cheese? Erm, I don't know.
I'll be honest with you, I only really eat Babybel.
I kind of only eat the red bit.
I'm going to guess at Switzerland.
I'm going to disagree with that.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square, wins the game and a bonus of 500.
Well done, Danielle.
The answer was Britain.
No! Everywhere in Britain you're not far from cheese.
Somerset has Cheddar cheese.
Derbyshire - Stilton cheese.
Grimsby Well, that's just hard cheese! So, after the first game (KER-CHING) .
.
Stevie has 150 and Danielle has 650.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in part two, when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! Hello, and welcome back to Britain's premier shape-based celebrity gameshow.
Before the break, Danielle won the first game and is currently in the lead with - But there's still a long way to go, and absolutely anybody could win.
But my money's on one of these two.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello, Warwick.
How are you doing? Good, good, good.
Watch this.
Oh, no! Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo! Ooh! Ahh! 'Oh, yeah, lower it in.
Lower it in.
' That's the stuff.
'I like that.
' Right around there.
'Wait, I'm coming up.
' (LAUGHTER) 'I want you to slide me down the slide.
' You OK, Monkey? Here he comes.
Here he comes Ah! There he is.
It's real! It's now time for our second game.
This game is just like the first, except hidden out there is a mystery square.
AUDIENCE: Whooo! If a contestant finds the mystery square, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
Click those Cuban heels, as you'll be sambaing your way to Revolution Square on the beautiful Caribbean island of Cuba.
Courtesy of icelolly.
com, you'll be sunning yourself for seven nights on an all-inclusive trip to this paradise island.
Now it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, this is where they'll find the mystery square.
Stevie, you're playing catch-up.
Who would you like to choose first? I'm going to start with the man in the middle - Jonathan Ross.
Yes.
Yes.
Well done, Stevie.
You've found the mystery square.
You've found me, Stevie.
If you take this square, you'll be going to Cuba.
OK, here we go, Jonathan.
At 3 inches long, which part of Mehmet Ozyurek is officially the longest one ever recorded? Wow! Wow! Wow! 3 inches.
I suppose it's a matter of scale and perspective, the length of it, because 3 inches on me isn't big, but on you, that's huge, Warwick, isn't it? 3 inches, you in profile, you'd look like a woodpecker.
Your nose - wouldn't it? I think it is his toe.
His big toe.
Hm Yeah, I like that, Jonathan.
I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So nought gets that square.
I was giving you eyes saying, 'Don't agree.
' And I'm afraid, as a result, you won't be going to Cuba.
Oh, Jonathan! But there's still plenty to play for.
So let's carry on.
The answer was nose.
It turned out that Mehmet is a turkey.
So, clearly, it's more of a beak than a nose.
So it should be disqualified.
Sorry, what was that? Oh.
Mehmet's FROM Turkey.
Sorry, sorry.
Go, Mehmet! Danielle, your turn.
Can I have Tim Vine, please? Here's your question, Tim.
Which Scandinavian country has hosted the annual Wife-Carrying World Championships race since 1994? You've done the right thing choosing me, Danielle, because this is something I know a little bit about.
Scandinavian countries, I'm quite well versed in.
One of the most stressful places I've been to was in Denmark, a town called Hagen.
I can't COPE-IN-HAGEN! I think it's going to be I think it's Norway.
I think it's Norway, Danielle.
Right I'm going to agree.
You do? I do.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So cross gets that square.
The answer was Finland.
I recently found out I'm from Finland.
My agent told me.
He phoned me up and said, 'Warwick, you're FINNISH' Stevie, your turn.
Gabby Logan, please.
Hi, Stevie.
You are looking very sporty, even sitting down.
I look like a referee, don't I? I look like a referee tonight.
I'm not particularly sporty, but could you recommend something for me? Gymnastics - you need a low centre of gravity.
So Definitely got that.
Maybe mixed-doubles tennis.
You play tennis.
You could have Warwick at the net constantly.
He can go at the back if he wants or he can go on my shoulders.
Wherever you want, Warwick.
What's your favourite sport? I like tennis.
That's about it.
I'm not really into sport particularly.
At school I didn't have good experiences with it.
What sort of experiences did you have? With football - we had a black-and-white football kit.
So I kept being mistaken for the ball.
Gabby, what would I need to be to win the Dickin Medal? (SIGHS) I don't think it I've never heard of it in the realms of literature or the arts.
So I'm going to say scientist.
Have you heard of the Dickin Medal before? I haven't, but it doesn't seem to go well with scientist.
So I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
So cross gets the square.
To win the Dickin Medal, you would need to be an animal.
The PDSA Dickin Medal was instituted to honour the work of animals at war.
It's been awarded to 32 pigeons, 29 dogs, four horses and a cat called Simon.
All right, Danielle, your turn.
For the block, I will go with Joe Wilkinson.
Joe, in a modern three-pin electrical plug, what is the colour of the live wire? There's one down here.
Hold on.
Ooh! Oh, Joe! Got to pop that back in, I think.
Oh, there we go.
Right.
What is the colour of the live wire? Erm I've licked all three Don't try that at home.
And I think I passed out when I licked the brown one.
Danielle, do you know about electricity? My dad is actually an electrician.
Ooh! But I still don't know.
I'm going to disagree because I think red for danger.
You're wrong to disagree.
Sorry, Dad.
So that square is back in open play.
The blue wire is neutral, the green-and-yellow striped wire is the earth wire, and the brown being the live.
Stevie, your turn.
For the win, I'm going to put Joe on the spot again.
Here we go, Joe.
It's important.
Before becoming a pop star, Jennifer Lopez was training for which non-showbiz profession? She's not a panel beater.
I'm going to throw it out there.
I'm going to say teacher.
Yeah, I'd agree with that.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
Dear, oh, dear.
So nought gets the square.
I'm on fire here.
She was training to become a lawyer.
Right, Danielle, your turn.
For the win, Tony Law.
Here comes trouble! Tony, in which country could you go and see Devilsmother? That's easy.
It's in Canada.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
So nought gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 500.
Brilliant.
It's actually a mountain in Ireland.
They recommend you actually go and see it twice.
Just to be sure - to be sure! Sorry, I couldn't resist it.
So offended.
Now, let's have a look at your totals so far.
(KER-CHING) Stevie has 200 and Danielle has - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's now time for our third game, which we like to call Square Essentials.
The Squares will read statements about themselves and our contestants must agree if they think they're telling the truth or disagree if they think they're bluffing.
This game is a double-money game.
It's 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
AUDIENCE: Whooo! But be aware, this game is timed, so if you hear this sound (KLAXON) the game is over, and the contestant with the most squares on the board wins the game.
So, Stevie, who would you like to start with? I'm going to start with Tim Vine.
OK, Tim, let's hear your square essential.
Linda Gray, who played Sue Ellen in Dallas, once made me a vegetable smoothie.
I disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
So nought gets the square.
Tim, tell us about that.
I did panto with her and she saw I needed to have a slightly more healthy diet, and so she made me a vegetable smoothie.
I said, 'Thanks very much.
' The door of my dressing room closed, and I popped it down the sink.
Danielle, it's your turn.
Gabby Logan, please.
I once cut my leg with a scalpel, while I was trying to turn a pair of tights under my jeans into socks.
(GIGGLES) I agree.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
I was in history A-level, and the girl next to me did art, and I saw the scalpel in her pencil case and said, 'Just lend us that, ' and I wasn't looking, and I just went Right.
On with the game.
Stevie, your turn.
Joe Wilkinson, for the block.
Erm, when I was a child, I wanted to be a farmer, until I found out what an abattoir was.
I disagree.
-You're wrong to disagree.
That square is back in open play.
So who broke the news? -Union J let it slip.
Right, Danielle, your turn.
-For the win, Joe Wilkinson.
The pressure's on, Joe.
-Oh, erm, I am red belt in judo.
Disagree.
-You're wrong to disagree.
So cross gets that square.
(KLAXON) That sound signifies the end of the game.
Congratulations, Danielle.
You've won that game and a bonus of 1.
000.
-Thank you.
So now let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final for a chance to win 25.
000.
(KER-CHING) Stevie has 200 and going through to the final is Danielle with - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Danielle.
You're going through to our final.
Unfortunately, Stevie, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? Yeah, it's been a great day.
You'll be taking home 200.
Enjoy spending the money you've won.
Stevie, everyone! Thanks very much.
Join us in part three when Danielle could walk away with that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anysquare! Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, where Danielle has made it through to our final game Question Line.
Congratulations, Danielle, on making it through to our final game.
I'm just curious how you might spend your winnings tonight.
A new car.
My car has had a few scrapes in the past year.
How many accidents have you had? -Seven.
-Seven?! Minor scrapes.
-So you're going to buy a new car.
What sort of car? Erm I recommend a bumper car.
I was just going to say that, yeah.
I know you've got someone here tonight cheering you on.
Who is it? It's my sister Melissa.
Lovely.
There she is.
Well, good luck.
It's now time to play Question Line.
OK, here's your line of questioning.
You have - And here are their subjects - Whose category would you like? -Union J's, please.
So you've gone for boys' names.
Why did you choose that category? -I like boys.
(LAUGHTER) Men! Men! That's as good an answer as any.
Good luck, Danielle.
Here we go.
Union J have three band members whose names begin with the letter J.
I need boys' names that begin with the letter J.
They must be names either listed in the boys or unisex categories on the website babynames.
co.
uk You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square wins you 1.
000.
Light all nine squares, and you'll take home that 25.
000 jackpot.
Remember, you must wait for me to say yes or no before you move on to your next answer.
Are you ready? -Yes.
-Your time starts now.
James.
Yes.
Jamie.
Yes.
Joshua.
Yes.
Joseph.
Yes.
Jonah.
Yes.
ErmJoel.
Yes.
Joe.
Yes.
Jamie.
You've said that already.
James.
Jim.
Jim.
Yes.
Jeremy.
Yes.
Oh, my God! Congratulations! Danielle, you've lit all nine squares giving you 25.
000.
Well done.
Wow! I wasn't expecting that.
Thank you, boys.
We're going to add that 25.
000 to the 2.
300 you've already won, giving you a grand total of - (KER-CHING) (CHEERING) You've got to be happy with that.
I am, very happy.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Danielle, thanks to our Squares Goodbye, Squares.
ALL: Goodbye, Warwick.
-And of course thanks to you at home for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Good night.
Well done.
-Thank you! And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares.