Celebrity Squares (2014) s02e05 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 5

He's a fine vine getting better with age - it's Tim Vine! He's 100% in on Dragons' Den - it's Duncan Bannatyne! It's the comedy ace with the hairy face - it's Joe Wilkinson! They're a cracking pair.
It's DJ and TV presenting duo Rickie and Melvin.
He's the man with bad hair and great jokes - it's Milton Jones! She's our daily star - it's Strictly Come Dancing's Tess Daly! I likes it a lot and you should too - it's comedian Joe Lycett! She's a cut above the rest - it's Scissor Sister Ana Matronic! And in the centre square tonight, the chairwoman of our board - it's Sarah Millican! Welcome to Celebrity Squares.
If you enjoy the high-octane thrills that only come with playing three-dimensional noughts and crosses with nine celebrities then strap yourself in, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Let's meet our squares.
Hello, squares! ALL: Hello! Fabulous, nice to see you all here.
Firstly, Sarah.
-Nice to have you here.
I hear that during the course of your touring you do over 50.
000 miles a year.
Yeah, generally.
Quite a lot, isn't it? It is a lot.
I'm looking around here at your neighbours, so just think about this.
If you were stuck in a car, who would you least like to have as a passenger? (LAUGHTER) I don't like any passengers as a rule.
Because passengers always want to sit on the passenger's seat, that's what it's for.
But that's where I keep my snacks.
(LAUGHTER) Sarah, tell Warwick what you did in my old car.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no I gave Joe my old car and forgot to tell him that during a traffic jam I once moved across to the passenger seat and wee'd.
(LAUGHTER) It was a really bad traffic jam, shut up! That chair is now where I put my snacks.
(LAUGHTER) Sarah, when you're touring what item is a must-have for you? I always take my slippers everywhere so that every hotel can feel a little bit like home.
But it does mean that by the end of the tour my whole case smells of cheese because of my slippers.
(LAUGHTER) I've got a seperate carrier bag for my dirty smalls.
(LAUGHTER) My entire case consists of smalls.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Sarah, it's a pleasure to have you here with us tonight.
Sarah Millican, everyone.
You are a comedian.
You've done your research.
(LAUGHTER) But you're also known as a bit of a wordsmith, aren't you? Slightly, yes.
This bloke said to me today actually, "I've spilt my Scrabble set on the road.
" I said, "What's the word on the street?" (LAUGHTER) Tim, what is your favourite word? -I think I've probably got three.
Top three favourite words, I'll do them in reverse order.
My third favourite word is "This.
" T-H-I-S.
Why do you like that? I don't like 'that', I like 'this.
' (LAUGHTER) My second favourite word is "Ignition.
" Why do you like ignition? Oh, don't get me started.
(LAUGHTER) My third and favourite word of all is "Telephone.
" Why do you like telephone? I don't know, it's just got a nice ring to it.
(LAUGHTER) Tim Vine, everyone.
Thank you, Tim.
Joe Wilkinson.
All right, Joe? Hello.
(LAUGHTER) Joe, you've got a Dragon above you.
On Dragons' Den, people pitch their business ideas.
I just wondered if you've ever had an idea? (LAUGHTER) Do you mean if I ever had any pitches for Duncan? I did know you were coming on, so I've got some inventions to pitch to you because I know you're absolutely loaded.
(LAUGHTER) First idea is a table tennis bat that I've glued a butter dish to.
OK, that could have gone better.
OK, it's not over.
What about a four-foot long toothbrush? (LAUGHTER) Cos you can er, clean your teeth from the other room.
(LAUGHTER) It works! Now we're warming up, now we're warming up! Or and I left this one last cos I think it's a winner, what about a fax machine? Looks like a normal fax machine, yeah? It's not! It comes with squirty cream.
(LAUGHTER) Now you can have any of these, and I think it's gonna be this one, 10% share for 11m.
(LAUGHTER) Do you know, I have to say, Joe, I love you.
But I hate your products and for that reason, I'm out.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
Now let's meet the contestants.
Representing the noughts we have Jenni.
Tell our squares about yourself.
Hi, squares.
ALL: Hi, Jenni.
I'm Jenni, I'm 30 and I'm an internal communications specialist from Bristol.
(APPLAUSE) Jenni, welcome to the show.
You say you're an internal communications specialist.
What am I thinking? (LAUGHTER) Wait, hang on.
I'm thinking, I'm visualising you handing a cheque for 25.
Good work.
Now outside of work what do you like to get up to? I absolutely love playing video games.
Do you? My perfect day is to play video games for seven hours and not talk to anyone.
It's great.
I've done a few voiceovers for video games in my time.
Yes, I have.
But it's interesting, when you record these things you have to record all the moments when characters are standing there doing nothing.
I have to record all this stuff where I'm going - (SIGHS) (LAUGHTER) And then you have it on your script it says, "Jumping off of a three-foot ledge.
Jumping off of a two-foot ledge.
Jumping off of a one-foot ledge.
" And you have to make those sound different for each one.
What do they sound like then? See if you can guess which one this is - huh-uh.
(LAUGHTER) Which one was that? That's definitely a one-footer.
No, two-foot.
(LAUGHTER) Good luck, Jenni.
Enjoy tonight.
Jenni, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Now let's see who Jenni is squaring up against tonight.
Representing the crosses we have Dan.
Welcome to the show, Dan.
Introduce yourself to our squares.
Hi, squares.
ALL: Hi, Dan.
I'm Dan, I'm 44, I'm a coffee shop owner from Felixstowe in Suffolk.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome to the show, Dan.
Thank you, Warwick.
You're a coffee shop owner.
I've got two coffee shops.
One is on the beach and the second one is in the front room of our house.
I'm sure your family are delighted.
(LAUGHTER) Cos coffee's a very noisy business, isn't it? A lot of noises.
(MAKES GRINDING AND CRUNCHING NOISES) All that stuff goes on, doesn't it? There's a lot of that noise.
There's also quite a lot of noise when I'm doing my grinding in the back.
(LAUGHTER) Now you are a painter? I do like a bit of painting, yeah.
I've done a painting of my favourite celebrity, Warwick.
It gives me great pleasure to show it off now.
(LAUGHTER) Can we keep him away from me? (APPLAUSE) I do paint well, don't I? Lovely.
Thank you, Dan.
Good luck to you both.
Our contestants, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) So, here's how it works.
To win a game plus a bonus of 500, you need to get three squares in a row.
That row can be up and down like this - Across like that - Or diagonally like this - That's the rules done.
Let's start with game one.
(APPLAUSE) Dan, you won the coin toss backstage.
Who is your starting square? I've got to start with the big man Joe Wilkinson.
(APPLAUSE) Ready, Joe? The male gentoo penguin will present what to a female as a love token? (LAUGHTER) I find a good way to flirt with a penguin is er, to kiss them on the small of the neck.
(LAUGHTER) Or roll a piece of your dung towards them.
Joe, Joe.
Where's the small of the neck? I thought it was the small of the back and the nape of a neck? I've been kissing them in the wrong place.
(LAUGHTER) I'll be honest with you, that makes a lot of sense cos it hasn't been going as well as I'd hoped.
(LAUGHTER) So it's the dung.
Cos when I roll a small piece of dung towards them, they're all over me.
Erm, it's slightly odd, but I'm gonna agree with Joe.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid, so nought gets the square.
The answer was a pebble.
So that's how you p-p-p-pick up a p-p-p-penguin.
(LAUGHTER) Jenni, your turn.
I'd like to take Sarah Millican, please.
Sarah, here we go.
(APPLAUSE) According to a 2015 poll by MobileSlots.
com what do Brits find more annoying - self-service checkouts or traffic jams? I don't like self-service checkouts, I'll tell you why.
One time when I did this I was beeping things through as you do and it came up "Checking weight" and I realised it was because I was too relaxed and I'd dropped my belly on the scales.
(LAUGHTER) It was trying to work out how much I was in apples.
I think self-service.
I think I'm going to have to agree with you then, yeah.
You're right to agree, nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
Also on the list were people who put milk in their tea first and PPI calls.
If you get the PPI text messages just reply with, "Put the bodies in bags, put them in the back of the car.
Meet me in the park at nightfall.
" And then underneath just put, "Sorry, wrong number.
" (LAUGHTER) Dan, your turn.
I'm gonna go with Joe for the block.
Of course you are.
(APPLAUSE) Hi, Dan! Joe, up in the top corner there.
Hello, Warwick.
Welcome back.
Now I hear you're back on tour soon.
What's that all about? Yes, I'm going on tour with my new show which is called wait for it That's The Way A-ha A-ha Joe Lycett.
(LAUGHTER) Clever, clever.
Pleased with that.
Now, is there any substance to this tour other than a very witty title? No.
(LAUGHTER) Here's your question.
In a survey by All Bran, what age did women say was too old to wear a bikini? 40 or 50? Right, 40 or 50? I think people would have said 50.
I'm going to agree with Joe.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
So that square's back in open play again.
Jenni, your turn.
I'm going to have to go with Joe Lycett for the win, please.
OK, Joe, here we go again.
What was included in the price of your ticket at the first Glastonbury festival in 1970? 1970my father went to the first Glastonbury.
And based on the photos I'd say they give you a free crop-top.
(LAUGHTER) Erm, maybe an umbrella.
Let's go with an umbrella.
An umbrella, interesting.
I don't think it's an umbrella, so I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 500.
Well done.
The correct answer was milk.
-Isn't that lovely? I love going to Glastonbury, cos I am down with the kids.
People say, "Where are you, Warwick?" and I say, "I'm down here with the kids.
" (LAUGHTER) So after the first game, Dan has 0 and Jenni has 600.
Join us in part two when they'll be playing for more cash and one of them could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! (APPLAUSE) And that's how me and Harrison Ford got arrested.
(LAUGHTER) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
Before the break, Jenni won the first game and is currently in the lead with 600.
But there's still everything to play for.
It's time for our second game.
(APPLAUSE) Now this game is just like the first, except hidden out there is a mystery square.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! If a contestant finds a mystery square they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
Thanks to our friends at icelolly.
com you and a friend will be flying to Town Square situated on the floating garden that is Madeira, Portugal.
You'll have seven nights to take in the sheer beauty of this stunning island.
(APPLAUSE) Right, now it's time to release the squares.
For you at home, this is where they'll find the mystery square.
Dan, you're playing catch-up which means you get to choose first.
I'm going to go with the lovely Tess Daly.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, Dan.
Thank you.
Tess, lovely to have you here.
Thanks for having me.
I've never been asked to be on Strictly which I'm a little disappointed about because I'm quite light on my feet.
I think you'd be great.
I can put a word in if you like? I wouldn't be doing any lifts though, would I? You could be lifted.
Now, which of our squares here would you most like to see on Strictly? Hm, good question.
Do you know what? I think we've got a few potential future Strictly stars in our midst here.
Rickie and Melvin, you wouldn't need a pro.
You could dance with each other.
(LAUGHTER) I want to see Duncan Bannatyne in spangly lycra.
Oh, yeah? Who wouldn't? He's a big lad.
That's enough of your fantasies, what about Strictly? (LAUGHTER) Right, here's the question.
The proboscis monkey has an oversized pendulous grotesquely enlarged what? (LAUGHTER) Er could it be their bottom? I'm actually going to disagree with Tess.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) I'm glad you're right! Yes, they have a grotesquely enlarged nose.
Jenni, your turn.
I'm going to pick Tim Vine, please.
Jenni, thank you.
(APPLAUSE) Tim, what have football clubs Arsenal and Tottenham recently banned fans from bringing into their stadiums? Ah, you've done the right thing choosing me here, Jenni, cos this is something I know a little bit about.
A bloke said to me, "Can you tell me your availability to run a football team in Sheffield?" I said, "I can't manage Wednesday.
" (LAUGHTER) In Arsenal and Tottenham you're not allowed to take salt and pepper into the stadium.
I'm allowed to cos I've got a seasoning ticket.
(LAUGHTER) The er, the answer, food.
They've decided you can't bring your own food in.
That sounds quite plausible.
I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid, so cross gets that square.
They've banned selfie sticks.
Dan, your turn.
I'm going to go for Duncan, please.
Here we go.
Thank you, Dan.
(APPLAUSE) While he was at Eton, Boris Johnson broke what body part four times? Could have been his teeth on his silver spoon.
(LAUGHTER) But if you have a good look at him, in actual fact you'll find that it's probably his nose, the state of it.
I'm going to disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, I'm afraid.
Nought gets that square.
The answer was his nose.
He broke it four times on the sports pitch at Eton.
Jenni, your turn.
I'm going to pick Joe Wilkinson, please.
There we go, Joe.
True or false, goldfish can't blink? ErI stare at a lot of fish and they are one of the ones that do stare back.
(LAUGHTER) Four or five breeds that do engage.
You know, if you're having a blinking competition, they are buggers.
(LAUGHTER) They're good! So what are you saying, it's true or false? Oh, it's a true or false? (LAUGHTER) It's false.
Goldfish can't blink, he thinks it's false.
I think it might be true.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) Dan, your turn.
Sarah Millican.
OK, Sarah.
Which famous European landmark grows over six inches every summer? Oh.
Erm well, I don't know him, but I'd like his number.
(LAUGHTER) I think I know this.
I think it's the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
I'm going to agree with Sarah.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
Nought gets that square.
The answer was the Eiffel Tower.
It's due to the steel expanding in the heat.
Well, it was the same country.
(LAUGHTER) Jenni, your turn.
I'm gonna pick Joe for the win, please.
OK, Joe Lycett.
Here we go, sir.
An advertisement featuring Brad Pitt was banned in Malaysia because it was feared it would make men feel what? I think probably Brad Pitt would make you feel er, ugly.
I'm going to agree with Joe.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 500.
(APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Jenni.
You won that game and the bonus of 500.
So let's have a look at your totals so far.
Dan has 50 and Jenni has 1.
(APPLAUSE) I'm afraid neither of you managed to find the mystery square, but if you had chosen Ana, then you would have been playing for the holiday.
Don't worry, there's still plenty more cash to be won as it's now time for our third game which we like to call Square Essentials.
(APPLAUSE) The squares will read statements about themselves and our contestants must agree if they think they're telling the truth or disagree if they think they're bluffing.
This game is double the money.
It's 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Dan, you've still got everything to play for, so where would you like to go? I'm going to go for Milton, please.
(APPLAUSE) Milton.
Now, as a comedian you travel the world.
Where have you been recently? I was in China recently.
I saw the Great Wall of China.
Actually, I closed my eyes cos I'd recently read a book Ten Things You Have To See Before You Die and I'd seen the other nine.
(LAUGHTER) Milton, let's hear your Square Essential.
I speak passable Japanese.
(LAUGHTER) Idisagree.
You're right to disagree, so cross gets the square.
Do we have any Japanese speakers amongst our squares? Ana.
Yes, a little bit.
And Tess.
(SPEAKS IN JAPANESE) (APPLAUSE) I can actually say something specifically to Milton.
(SPEAKS IN JAPANESE) Which means "Your haircut is cool.
" (LAUGHTER) I can't even count to ten in French.
Un, deux, troi, quatre, cinq, six, sept -Argh! (LAUGHTER) Got a wheat allergy.
Jenni, your turn.
I'm going to pick Ana.
(APPLAUSE) Ana, as a Scissor Sister Yes.
you've worked with all sorts of people.
Elton John, Kylie, Calvin Harris.
How do they compare to me? Obviously I'm slightly taller than Kylie, but apart from that.
(LAUGHTER) There's only one of those people that you mentioned that I would travel thousands of miles to hang out with and that is you.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Thank you very much.
I'm glad we asked you on now.
(LAUGHTER) Let's hear your Square Essential.
One of my biggest influences growing up and somebody who I have loved since I was a child, is Miss Piggy.
I'm going to agree with you.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square.
Dan, your turn.
I'm going to go for Rickie and Melvin.
Yes! (APPLAUSE) Brilliant.
Rickie and Melvin.
Warwick, my old buddy, my old pal.
You present the breakfast show on Kiss FM.
(DEEP VOICE) The breakfast show with Melvin and Rickie.
That's good.
That's perfect.
It's a bit dull though for early in the morning.
Jazz it up a little bit, give it a bit more spice.
Introduce your track for us.
Next up on Kiss FM, it's Barry Manilow, that old classic - I don't know why I'm speaking in a weird voice.
(LAUGHTER) Do it again, but add a 'brap' at the end.
A what? A brap.
Brap? Yeah, brap.
You're listening to Kiss FM.
Coming up, classic track Bermuda Triangle.
Yeah! (APPLAUSE) Let's hear your Square Essential.
OK, Dan.
One of us has recorded a song with James Blunt.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree so cross gets the square.
Well done, mate.
Jenni, your turn.
I'm going to pick Joe Wilkinson for the block, please.
Here we go then.
I never open my own mail.
(LAUGHTER) I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square and block.
Well done.
(APPLAUSE) Joe, how do you find out what's going on? I don't.
(LAUGHTER) Dan, your turn.
I'd like to go with Tess, please.
Here we go.
Let's hear your Square Essential.
Growing up I used to have an imaginary friend called Wesley.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
I had an imaginary library.
But they had books, they had tickets in.
And I had a little change drawer in case anybody was late and was fined.
(LAUGHTER) I had an imaginary dog as well but he wasn't allowed in the imaginary library.
It's true, imaginary health and safety.
But we're thinking of getting a dog now and it'll be the first time I've ever had something on the end of my lead.
I'm so excited! I just used to pull a bit of string along.
It was called Waffles.
Shut your faces.
(LAUGHTER) Jenni, it's your turn.
I'm gonna pick Joe Lycett for the block, please.
OK, Joe, let's hear it.
OK, Jenni.
I once fell asleep in a nightclub toilet and was locked in overnight.
(LAUGHTER) No judgement, but I would agree.
(LAUGHTER) You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
That square's back in open play.
Dan, your turn.
I'm going to go for Joe, please.
I was once voted the 57th hottest man in the world in a magazine poll.
Was that like temperature, or? (LAUGHTER) I'm no offence, I'm going to disagree, Joe.
You're wrong to disagree, I'm afraid.
Nought gets that square.
It is true.
Who were you on top of? (LAUGHTER) All right! In the poll Brad Pitt.
Brad Pitt was at 60.
Really? I'm hotter than Brad Pitt! Well, you look very hot from where I'm sitting.
Aw, thanks.
Hang on, did I just say that out loud? Jenni, your turn.
I'm gonna choose Sarah for the win.
When I was younger I wanted to be a stripper.
(LAUGHTER) Warwick, the other day I saw a sheep pole-dancing in a kebab shop.
Oh, yes? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) So does she look like a stripper -Sorry, I didn't mean that.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna agree.
You're right to agree.
Nought gets the square, wins that game and a bonus of 1.
So now let's reveal the contestant with the most cash who's going through to our final for a chance to win that 25.
000 jackpot.
Dan has 350, and going through to our final is Jenni with 2.
(CHEERING) Congratulations, Jenni.
You're going through to the final game.
How do you feel? Excited, Warwick.
Really excited.
Unfortunately, Dan, we have to say goodbye to you.
Have you had fun? I've had a great day.
Thank you, Warwick.
You'll be taking away 350.
Enjoy spending the money.
Dan, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in part three when Jenni could walk away with that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go any-square.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Welcome back to Celebrity Squares where Jenny has made it through to our final game Question Line.
Congratulations, Jenni, on making it this far to our final.
Are you excited? Yes.
Very nervous, but definitely excited.
Potentially there's a jackpot of 25.
000 on offer.
Have you thought about -AUDIENCE: Ooh! Oh, yes.
Have you thought about how you might spend the money? Other than a couple of trips to New Zealand this year, maybe buy some new games consoles as well.
You've mentioned New Zealand twice.
Why would you go twice? My boyfriend's actually out there for the next year so it'd be good to do a couple of return trips.
If you win big tonight I'm sure he'll be straight back here.
(LAUGHTER) I know you've got some people here to support you.
Who are they? I've got my mum, my flatmate Cat and my friend Fernando.
There they are.
We're all rooting for you here in the studio.
Good luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
OK, here's your line of questioning.
You have Ana Matronic .
Sarah Millican Rickie and Melvin.
And here are their subjects - Right, whose category would you like? I'm gonna pick Tom Cruise Films with Rickie and Melvin.
Rickie and Melvin with Tom Cruise Films.
Why did you go for that? I'm a bit of a cinemaphile so I think I could do well with that.
So you know a lot about Tom Cruise and his movies, yeah? Enough.
-Good luck then, here we go.
Rickie and Melvin are big fans of the film Top Gun starring Tom Cruise.
I need you to name other films starring Tom Cruise.
They must be films made before the start of 2015.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many stars as possible.
Each lit square wins you 1.
Light all nine squares and you could take home that 25.
000 jackpot.
Remember, you must wait for me to say yes or no before you move onto your next answer.
Are you ready? Your time starts now.
Eyes Wide Shut.
Jack Reacher.
Edge Of Tomorrow.
Days Of Thunder.
It's really hard Erm AUDIENCE: Aw! Well done, Jenni.
You managed to light 5 squares which gives you 5.
000! (CHEERING) Let's add that to the 2.
500 you won earlier giving you a total of - (CHEERING) You must be happy with that? -Definitely! -Brilliant.
Rickie and Melvin, can you name any she didn't get? You missed a trick with Mission Impossible One, Two, Three Yes, of course.
-Jerry Maguire, Oblivion, Rain Man.
Born On The Fourth Of July.
Where were you guys a minute ago? (LAUGHTER) It's easy now, but when the pressure's on it's very difficult.
You did very well, you're going home with 7.
Well done, Jenni.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Jenni, thanks to our squares.
Goodbye, squares! And, of course, thanks to you at home for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight! And here's who'll be joining us next week on Celebrity Squares -