Celebrity Squares (2014) s02e06 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 6

Expect one-liners and hundreds of laughs.
It's comedian She's our small-screen queen 50 per cent beard and 100 per cent funny He's got a smile that lights up the room and most of Britain She's the Bea's knees.
It's comedian She's a beautiful and talented actress.
No wonder we're always up for the same parts.
What a Great Dane.
It's comedy giant She's got a voice for radio and a face for TV And in the centre square tonight, the chairman of our board (APPLAUSE) Hello.
I'm Warwick Davis.
Welcome to Celebrity Squares.
Well, you're here now.
You might as well watch.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello, Warwick! -Frank, welcome.
-Thank you.
You're a big fan.
What's it like to be here.
It's incredibly exciting.
To be Centre Square is the best thing that's ever happened to me today.
Now, you became a father quite late on in life.
I had my first child aged 55.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I like to think a bit of that applause was for my partner.
Yeah, it was my way of avoiding those difficult teenage years.
But I was on the bus the other day.
There was a group of us, and my son was sitting behind me, and he plays I-Spy, but he doesn't know letters yet, so he does colours.
And he said, 'I spy with my little eye something beginning with "grey".
' And then he said, 'Daddy's hair.
' Well, it's great to have you here.
Frank Skinner! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Tim, you are a comedian.
Bless you for that.
I'm going to ask this right out of the blue: have you done any shopping this week? Do you know, I have, yes.
(LAUGHTER) I was walking down the street, 600 feet above sea-level.
It was a high street.
And my girlfriend said, 'Why are you walking in front of me?' And I said, 'I'm sorry.
I don't follow you.
' Then a bloke came up and said, 'How would you like to own Wembley Stadium, Wembley Arena and all their facilities?' I said, 'Are you trying to give me a complex?' So, yes, I'm ready for the questions.
Fabulous! Tim Vine, everyone.
-What have you been up to today, sir? Er Washed my pants.
My yearly pant wash.
Actually, I need to dry them.
You'll have to chat amongst yourselves.
If I don't dry them (APPLAUSE) These ones make me feel incredibly confident.
I don't know why.
Have a lovely show, everyone.
Joe Wilkinson, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet the two people hoping our Squares are less useless than they look.
It's the contestants! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Representing the Noughts, we have Alex.
Tell our Squares about yourself.
Hello, Squares.
Hello, Alex! I'm Alex.
I'm 33.
I'm an Internet sales manager from Cheshire.
Welcome to the show.
What is an Internet sales manager? I work for a motorbike accessories company, and I run the website, doing social media and so on.
And do you go biking yourself? -I don't.
-Have you ever ridden one? -Yes.
So, you've got a licence.
Are you the police? I just keep a check on these things.
Now, what hobbies have you got? I'm in a darts team.
Are you? Yes.
Tim's a darts player.
I am, yes.
So, if I gave you a finish, could you say how you go out on it? No, I'm terrible at maths.
Oh, that's helpful.
I'm good at finishing, but not the maths.
Well, let's keep it simple.
If you were on 48, what would you do? Eight, tops.
Yeah, that would do it.
Very good.
Quick, that was.
Thanks! (APPLAUSE) I'm glad you got applause for that.
Carol Vorderman will be tearing her hair out.
Let's see who you're squaring up against tonight.
Representing the Crosses, we have Phai.
Introduce yourself to our Squares.
-Hello, Squares.
-Hi, Phai.
-Hi-fi! (LAUGHTER) My name's Phai.
I'm 27.
I'm a design and production manager living in north London.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You're a design and production manager? Yeah.
I'm currently designing, marketing and Managing.
managing, for a college in east London.
Persuading people to come to the college.
I've just got to ask you about this, cos it baffles me.
You like to cook naked.
-Yeah, I quite like that.
When the house is empty, I like to go naked and express myself Who are you expressing yourself to? You're on your own.
What's your favourite thing to cook, naked? I tend to bake a lot naked.
-Oh, baking naked.
That's a whole different thing.
It's not the oil and dangerous and all that You just put something together with your hands and put it in there.
I'd love to watch you do a show with Mary Berry.
I'd love to, as well.
The Great British Naked Bake-Off.
Let's make this happen! She'd be like, 'Phai, I can see your soggy bottom.
That's not good enough.
' How do you roll your pastry? (LAUGHTER) Good luck, Phai.
Our contestants, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, here's how it works.
To win a game, plus a bonus of 500, you need to get three squares in a row.
That row can be up and down like this across like that or diagonally like this.
That's the rules.
Now let's start with game 1.
Alex, you get to go first.
Who would you like to start with? Frank Skinner, please.
Frank, what part of the body is also known as a 'corn on the cob'? What time does this show go out? Well, it won't be rhyming slang.
Oh, I love corn on the cob.
It's like a Lego banana.
I'm pretty confident that it is the elbow.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
The answer was: ear.
Phai, your turn.
I'd like to go with Rylan, please.
Oh, Phai.
(APPLAUSE) You're loving that illuminated square.
This is a childhood dream.
I'm not joking.
It really is.
You first found fame on the X Factor, as a singer.
Well, I wouldn't say singer.
And do you still sing? (LAUGHS) I didn't really sing in the first place! No, I do love trying to sing - let's put it that way.
My husband loved you in X Factor.
I want to talk to you about him.
When you got married in Vegas, I got Tweet after Tweet: 'Can't believe you got married to Becky from Corrie.
' Is his name Ryan Clark? Yeah, so you are one letter away from being my husband.
I got so many Tweets, thinking we were married! That's brilliant! I literally was like, 'I did not remember making that life choice!' Right.
If you were in Germany, and someone offered you a Handy, what would you expect to receive? -Er Well, in Essex I know what that means, but! Oh, I'm going to go for a high five.
A high five.
-I think I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree.
Nought gets that square.
No, a Handy is a mobile phone.
Who calls a mobile a Handy? Right.
Alex, your turn.
-I'll go for Alice Levine for the win, please.
Alice, you are a radio DJ and a TV presenter.
And I think you're very cool.
I'd like to get a bit up on what's happening in the music scene, and I've never been to a music festival.
Oh, OK.
What should I expect? Well, it's quite muddy.
Are you OK with camping? I'm not great with mud, cos, if you're in knee-deep mud (LAUGHTER) It's not much fun.
Here's the question.
The size of your purlicue is the space measured between which gap? Excuse me? Possibly it's definitely on the face.
I feel like I've heard this.
Maybe the gap between your eyes.
I will agree.
You're wrong to agree, so Cross gets that square.
No, it's the space between your forefinger and thumb.
So, people with a tiny purlicue can be the subject of ridicule.
Phai, your turn.
Tim Vine, please.
(APPLAUSE) Tim, in Olympic swimming, what is the slowest stroke? Well, you did the right thing, choosing me.
This is something I know a bit about.
I went to the Suntan Olympics and got bronze.
Come on.
The answer is the backstroke.
I can only do the backstroke.
Ruined my snorkelling holiday.
I think I will agree.
You're wrong to agree.
Nought gets that square.
The answer was breaststroke.
Alex, your turn.
Aisling Bea for the win, please.
Oh, yes.
(APPLAUSE) Aisling, welcome back.
Thank you.
In 1981, which famous moustachioed character found fame chasing an angry gorilla.
Oh, that's a tough one.
Everyone had a moustache in the '80s.
That's not fair.
My mother had a moustache.
The obvious is Tom Selleck, isn't it? He's the most famous moustached man.
I sometimes grow a bit of a moustache, to look in the mirror and fancy myself.
Yeah, I'd go Tom Selleck, maybe.
I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
Wins the game and a bonus of 500.
The answer was Mario.
He was named after the landlord of the Nintendo company, after he let them pay rent late.
So, after that first game, Phai has no pounds, and Alex has 600.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Join us in part two, when one of them could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
Or, if you're watching in 3D, Celebrity Cubes.
What? What do you mean, we can't say 'cubes'? Schofield? Yeah, he's got a right temper.
Now, Alex won the first game and leads with 600, but that could change.
Either way, we like to think there are no losers on this show Then again, erm Tim! Tim! Tim, what are you doing? (APPLAUSE) Not still filming, are you? Yeah.
I was getting ready for bed.
We're only halfway through.
-Halfway through? I'll just get my clothes on.
I thought we'd finished.
Frank, you are our Centre Square.
Has it been everything you dreamed it would be? And more, and I'm loving the smell of product coming up from below.
It's like living above a beauty salon.
It's fantastic.
It's time for our second game.
This game is just like the first, except, hidden out there is a Mystery Square.
Woooh! If a contestant finds a Mystery Square, they could win a holiday to this destination.
You won't get lost in this Bermuda triangle, because you and a friend will be jetting off to King's Square, Bermuda.
Yes, courtesy of icelolly.
com, you'll be basking in the tropical sun for an all-inclusive, week-long trip.
Don't forget your sun block.
-AUDIENCE: Wooh! Now, it's time to release the squares.
And for you at home, this is where they'll find the Mystery Square.
Phai, you go first.
Who would you like to choose? I'd like to start with Joe Wilkinson, please.
Joe, in what century was the tea bag invented? (LAUGHTER) I like tea.
I don't like having to swallow the tea bag.
That's the only What are you gonna do - throw it away? I'm not an animal.
But I do know this.
I think it was invented 70 or 80 years ago, so it was the 20th century.
ErmI think I would disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, so Nought gets the square.
It was the 20th century.
They were discovered in America by accident, when tea merchants started to send tea to customers in silk bags.
So, there you go.
Right, Alex, your turn.
-Frank Skinner, please.
Frank, what game did James Bond play with Plenty O'Toole? Plenty O'Toole? There used to be a lot of these names in Bond films.
There was Pussy Galore.
There was a woman called Massive Bust.
That was the early days.
Plenty O'Toole, I imagine, ran a very well-stocked hardware store.
Maybe in Live And Let DIY.
I'm pretty sure that James Bond played poker with Plenty O'Toole.
It sounds plausible, so I'm going to agree.
You're wrong to agree, so Cross gets that square.
Dear, oh, dear.
The answer was craps, or dice.
Phai, your turn.
Katherine Kelly, please.
Right, Katherine.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome to the show.
Thank you.
Now, on Coronation Street, we see you play Becky, and in Mr Selfridge, you play the upper-class Lady Mae.
How do you tackle those different roles? As much as I love Lady Mae, I'm more comfortable as myself in a tracksuit, with my hair in rollers, having a pint of cider.
Here's the question.
With orange skin, long arms and a cheesy grin, who was the first Mr Man? Long arms, orange skin, cheesy grin? It's got to be you, Rylan! It's just the long-arms thing.
I think Mr Tickle.
I think I'll disagree with that.
You're wrong to disagree, so nought gets the square.
Oh, dear.
Yes, it is Mr Tickle.
Mr Tickle could never resist the urge to tickle anyone within arm's reach.
He's now known as Mr Inmate, 46301.
Alex, your turn.
Aisling Bea, please.
(APPLAUSE) Well done.
You've found the Mystery Square, so, if you take this one, you'll win a holiday to Bermuda.
ALL: Woooh! No pressure, now.
Here's the question.
What does a philatelist collect? I think I know this one.
I think it's collecting stamps.
I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree, so Nought gets the square.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) One thing they don't collect, though, is friends.
Is Alex going on holiday to Bermuda? Oh, you won the holiday, yeah.
I forgot that.
(LAUGHTER) No wonder they were so excited.
I thought: she only won a square.
Phai, your turn.
-Rylan, for the block, please.
Which Hollywood actress's Goop can you look at on the Internet? (LAUGHTER) I'd probably say most of them, these days.
I'm going to sayGoldie Hawn.
(LAUGHTER) Why are you saying that? Goldie Hawn has a lovely Goop.
So, your answer's Goldie Hawn? Yes.
I have to disagree.
You're right to disagree, so Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) What's a Goop? The answer was Gwyneth Paltrow.
Goop is her website, described as 'one of the rare places on the web where food, shopping and mindfulness collide.
' Oh, I don't know what I think about that.
Are you disappointed? -Yeah.
I think we all were.
(LAUGHTER) Alex, your turn.
Dane Baptiste for the win, please.
Hey! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Dane, true or false? Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was originally written as Boys Just Wanna Have Fun.
ErmI'm trying to remember the words to the song.
(LAUGHTER) He literally just said them.
(LAUGHTER) It could be 'boys', cos boys do want to have fun.
Boys have different fun to girls, as well, cos we're not able to express ourselves emotionally like women are, so men will use malicious comments as a sign of friendship, and then women will say friendly things as a sign of malice.
Cos I've seen two girls together, and they'll be like, 'Hello, Sarah.
' 'Hello, Rebecca.
' 'Nice to see you again.
' 'You too.
' 'Nice shoes.
' And then (LAUGHTER) Sarah will be like, 'Did you hear what that cow said about my shoes?' 'She said you had nice shoes.
' 'But you know what she meant, Dane.
' So, Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was originally written as Boys Just Wanna Have Fun.
Yeah, I would say true.
I'm going to disagree.
-You're right to disagree, so Nought gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 500.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Phai has 50 and Alex has 1.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There's still plenty more cash to be won, though, as it's time for our third game, which we like to call Square Essentials.
The Squares will read statements about themselves, and our contestants must agree if they think they're telling the truth or disagree if they think they're bluffing.
Now, this is a double-money game.
It's 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Phai, where would you like to go first? Frank Skinner, please.
Let's hear your Square Essential.
When I take a shower, I get wet, and then I switch the water off and lather up, and then I switch the water back on again to rinse.
It sounds lovely, but I don't see Frank doing that, so I disagree.
You're wrong to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
Frank, what is your philosophy here? Well, I feel that, when you're soaping yourself while the shower is on, you're fighting a losing battle.
So, I get wet and then lather up, and then I look forward to the water coming back on.
A little treat at the end of the shower.
And I'm saving water, thus I am saving the planet.
Nice mental image there for you, Phai! Yes.
Next time I'm home alone! (LAUGHTER) Right.
Alex, your turn.
Tim Vine, please.
I have in my fridge two Texan bars.
They're chocolate bars that were around in the '80s.
I have two left.
They were discontinued in the mid-'80s, I think.
I'm saving them for a special occasion.
I'm going to disagree.
-You're wrong to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
I've done that, but not with chocolate bars.
What with? Spice Girl Impulse.
You've just reminded me of them.
And you've never used it? No, that's a collector's item! You don't even know what it smells like.
Oh, I do.
Does it smell like all of them? -I'd like to think it's like a mix Cos Sporty Spice - is that gonna be that fresh? (LAUGHTER) Right.
Phai, your turn.
Nina Wadia, please.
You are an actress from EastEnders.
Did your character ever have one of those doof-doof moments? Several doof-doof moments.
And what did it feel like, when you read the script? 'Oh, it's right at the end, this bit.
' Well, when you do have the doof-doof, the crew can't help themselves, and your fellow actors can't, either.
So, you'll say your last line and hold that pose for 30 seconds, which is a very long time.
And then you'll hear everyone else quietly going, 'Doof-doof-doof' (LAUGHTER) Well, thanks for being here.
Nina Wadia! Thank you.
I once took part in an underwater tea party.
Can I ask questions? -No.
Were you on the Titanic? I'm going to disagree.
(GROANS) You're wrong to disagree, so Nought gets that square.
Nina - how, why and when? It was for a cancer charity, and we were literally given a 20-minute Scuba lesson, and then they tied these weights to our waist.
We got pulled under, and they'd frozen the tea into jelly blocks, and we were there for about 40 minutes.
And we raised a lot of money for charity.
-Oh, good.
Right, Alex.
Your turn.
Katherine Kelly for the win, please.
As a child, I used to have the same haircut as my two brothers.
(LAUGHTER) I used to have the same as my brother.
Has your brother still got the same hairstyle as you? No, he's bald! So, I'm going to agree.
You're right to agree, so Nought gets the square, wins the game and the bonus of 1.
000! So, let's reveal the contestant with the most cash, who's through to our final, for a chance to win 25.
Phai has 50, and going through to our final is Alex, with 2.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Phai, we have to say goodbye, but have you had a good time? I have.
It's been great.
Absolutely great.
And you'll be taking home 50, so enjoy spending your winnings.
Phai, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Join us in part three, when Alex could win that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go any-square.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares, where Alex has made it through to our final game, Question Line.
Congratulations on making it through to this final.
Excited? Very.
Now, who have you got here supporting you? My boyfriend.
Is it? If you win tonight, he might be your husband.
Could be a proposal on the way.
So, you stand to win a huge amount of money.
What are your thoughts on spending it? My ambition is to go to Ramsay Street in Melbourne.
Ramsay Street? Where they film Neighbours? Yes.
First thing I'd do.
So, is there some sort of VIP package? If there is, I'm going to buy it! Well, hopefully, we can make that a reality.
Good luck.
It's now time for Question Line.
Here's your line of questioning.
And here are their subjects: (LAUGHTER) Now, whose category would you like? ErmI am going to go with Harry Potter.
So, Rylan and Harry Potter.
Why did you choose that? I've read the books and seen the films, so, hopefully, I'll be OK.
Good luck, Alex.
Here we go.
Rylan was once a stand-in for Rupert Grint on the Harry Potter films.
Name as many of the top 30 most-frequently mentioned characters in the Harry Potter novels.
You have 30 seconds to light up as many squares as possible.
Each lit square will win you 1.
Light all nine squares, and you'll take home that 25.
000 jackpot.
Now, you must wait for me to say yes or no, before you move on to your next answer.
Ready? Yes.
Your time starts now.
Neville Longbottom.
Harry Potter.
Hermione Granger.
Charlie Weasley.
Ron Weasley.
ErmLuna Lovegood.
My mind's gone blank.
George Weasley.
-Molly Weasley.
(KLAXON) (GROANS) So close! -My mind went blank.
(APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Alex.
You managed to light seven squares, which gives you 7.
000! (CHEERING) Now, Rylan, can you name any that Alex might have missed? Dumbledore.
They're all coming back to me now.
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Thankfully, you didn't say him.
We're going to add that 7.
000 to the 2.
300 you've already won, to give you 9.
300! (CHEERING) You must be happy with that.
That's brilliant! And you've got a holiday to Bermuda! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Brilliant.
That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Alex.
Thanks to our Squares.
Goodbye, Squares.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And thanks to you for watching.
See you next time.
Good night.
And here's who'll be joining us next week.