Chad (2021) s01e01 Episode Script


All right, young man.
What've we got here?
Let's see.
- Ooh, yeah.
- [SIGHS] I'll take the clips.
You're all set.
Dr. Tony, I think it's fair to say
you and I have had our ups and downs.
I don't know who encouraged you
into this damn field,
but you're a terrible orthodontist, sir.
Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.
Obviously, my mother meant well,
but didn't do her due diligence.
Seven years is a long time
to wear braces, sir.
I've watched your damn kids grow up,
and they're the only reason
I'm not writing you a bad Yelp review.
But thankfully, my life begins today,
despite your ass.
Alright, Chad. That's enough. Thanks.
My lollipop, please.
Move, Tony.
There he is!
Well, hello, hello, Mr. Freshman!
Are you excited to show people
your new mouth?
Yep, pretty huge day for me.
I think people will finally
see me for who I really am.
- Are we sure that's a good thing?
- Die.
I have a little something I want
to talk to you about, Chad,
but it can wait until after school.
Mom's dating someone.
Or we can do it now.
You're dating someone behind Dad's back?
That's how divorce works.
Yes, I am seeing someone.
We don't need to get
into the details right now.
He's Muslim. His name's Ikrimah.
Niki, stay out of my profile.
I told you, your account
needs more thirst traps.
And I told you
I don't know what that is.
- Fantastic.
- HAMID: I love the name Ikrimah.
It means "female pigeon".
- What the dick are we even talking about right now?
- Hey!
You're dating a Muslim guy?
Chad, you do realize
we're technically Muslim.
Yeah, we're Muslim enough.
We don't need people thinking
that's, like, our whole thing.
What is your problem with our heritage?
I'm embarrassed by it
and I'd like to fit in.
I've made that very clear to you.
If you wanted us to be so Muslim,
you should've raised us
in freakin' Ramalaladadan.
You're just mad
that you're a late bloomer
and Mom's getting more action than you.
Niki, no offense,
but you are a whore.
- Chad!
- I said no offense! God.
Alright, let's go over this again.
I won't mention to anyone
your braces came off.
Yes, just let them discover
it organically, okay?
Let them just kinda
find that joy on their own.
Got it.
Good, 'cause today is important.
Alright, we can't have
another junior high situation.
I loved junior high.
Peter, you were voted
most likely to be kidnapped.
- That was cool.
- That was not cool.
Okay? We can't be losers anymore.
We don't have any friends.
We never talk to girls.
We didn't go to a single party
this summer.
We had that party at my house.
That was a brunch, Peter!
That your mom had for your aunt!
And you came late. I was just sitting
in a living room with a bunch
of middle-aged ladies.
I-I actually think it was a baby shower.
I think it was, yeah.
This is what I'm talking about!
You need to dream bigger.
Okay, today's the first day
of high school,
and I want to be popular.
Because fitting in rocks.
Oh! My body My body is stuck.
Hey, I'm I'm not
entirely in the bus yet.
Hey, Denise. How was your break?
You still have chronic fatigue syndrome?
It's chronic, so, yeah.
That sucks so hard.
If it makes you feel better,
a lot of people on the Internet
say it's not even real.
Alright, let's do this!
Ayy, ayy, I'm drippin' again ♪
The way that I drip this shit
should be a sin ♪
Ayy, ayy, divorce all my friends ♪
I'm not a Migo,
'bout to trap out the Benz ♪
Hey! You can't do that in here.
It's actually a USB drive.
Oh kay
Ayy, I think she a twin ♪
Plus she got red calamari skin ♪
Ayy, you don't got no wins ♪
Don't do that.
I'm very sorry.
Let me pour up some Act,
got some brand-new graffiti ♪
It goin' down my back ♪
I got Chanel slippers, Gucci pennies ♪
Baby girl, you can pick ♪
Why the hell would you do that?
What What's up?
You hit our bottle, dude.
Derek's all pissed.
How do you know my name?
Like, who are you?
I-I'm Chad.
My name's Chad.
RAUL: That kid's disrespectful.
Are you okay?
Why did you let me do all of that?
- MS. WROBLICKY: Get your butts in a seat!
We're low on desks, folks.
What is happening? Sit.
Is this
Am I supposed to sit like this?
Alright, roll call, let's go!
Fereydoon Amani!
It's Chad!
I legally changed it to Chad.
Can you not look at me?
Yeah, I was gonna look over here.
- James Barry.
- Here.
- Hannah S. Clifton.
- Here.
[WHISPERING] When was that?
- It was in August.
- No!
- Yeah.
- Geez.
You guys have a good summer?
- What?
- I was just asking about summer.
'Cause she said something
about August, and I was like,
"Oh, they're talking about summer".
I'm Chad.
- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm Chad.
You know me from we were in
K through 8 together.
- Hey, babes.
- Hey, Joey!
Oh, um, did you get
that playlist I made?
I'm deejaying now, so
It's actually going pretty well.
Um, they're paying me, so
Th-That's really That
That's really just so exciting.
I'm I'm Chad.
I'm Joey.
My name is Chad.
- I, um, love music.
I love both radio and non-radio.
Have you guys heard of
the Coachella Valley
Music and Arts Festival?
- It's in California.
- Mm.
I'm either gonna go to it
or try to watch footage of it
on the internet.
Jay-Z and Beyoncé.
Anyways, um
Oh, right are you guys
coming over this weekend?
'Cause it's gonna be super intimate,
just like a handful of rad,
interesting people.
- Yeah, I'll be there.
- I'm down.
Okay. It's gonna be at 7:00, I think.
And it should go till like 11.
Um, I had sex.
ALICE: What?
I, um, just
I just had a little bit of sex
this summer,
over summer break,
is what I was gonna tell you
when we were talking about
summer earlier.
So, yeah, it was great.
Don't know what you guys did,
but I had sex.
You had sex?
Full on. Yes.
With a female
horny style.
You lost your virginity?
It's completely gone.
Well, why are you telling us this?
Just thought it was
an interesting fun fact
about me and my summer and my lifestyle.
Do you Do you know what I mean?
Tell us, killer. What's
it like to be a man?
Yeah. Tell us.
Oh, i-it's great.
Yeah, there was definitely a lot
of verbal consent and everything.
And obviously we were both
blushing the whole time.
- Legend.
- Yeah.
You know, we took turns.
A-At first she was the one having sex,
and then I was the one having sex.
And then we were having sex
at the same time.
And then at the end, we both exploded.
Ohh, damn!
Sounds like she was after that D!
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, she really was.
And I was after that P
That That V.
Aah! Meh!
Her genitals.
Like, what Like, what happened?
Um, she let me touch her butt
and, like, spit on her face and also
- Also, she also let me spit on her butt.
- I know.
Everyone is taken aback
when they hear the story.
- Good job.
Thank you.
So much. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you.
Oh, my God, my bra's inside out.
Can you get that? It's Ikrimah.
He's picking me up for a date.
I don't even know this person!
- Chad!
- On a scale of 1 to 10,
just how Muslim will
his physical situation be?
- Answer the door.
- Just so I'm prepared!
You must be Chad. Nice to meet you.
I'm Ikrimah.
Y-You're Ikrimah?
Yeah. What's up, man?
Please welc
Welcome to our home.
I've heard a lot about you.
I-I like your clothing style.
You look like the freakin'
star of Hollywood.
Thanks for scoopin' me up.
- Yeah
- Can Ikrimah drive me to school,
since I don't have a dad in my life?
Uh, no, this is our third date.
I don't really think that's necessary.
- There's violence on the bus.
- What?
Chad, can we talk about this later?
No, I-I can do it.
Right on.
Thank you.
S-So, is my mom doing
whatever it is she needs to be doing
to keep you happy?
- She's great, yeah.
- That's awesome.
Can Can you actually drive
into the entrance right here?
Is that allowed?
Yeah, no, they want us to do that.
- Okay.
- Yeah, great.
Put on some tunes.
- Yep.
- Just hit that horn.
Great. Yeah, this is great.
- Yeah, right here.
- Right here, yeah?
Yeah, that's awesome.
Sick chatting with you about
things important to both of us, man!
- I love you!
That's Ikrimah.
High school is time to have fun ♪
And learn ♪
Try to behave ♪
These teachers are really, really funny.
Look at their costumes.
Uh, hey, Chad?
This is for you.
- Ma-a-scot, ma-a-scot ♪
- Marjorie?
Isn't that the goth girl that calls
teachers by their first name?
She probably just has some sort
of school help question.
GIRL: Ow! Hey, guys
Hey, Marjorie, I
got your feminine napkin.
Get over here.
Ch-Chair's broken.
Heard about your summer.
At least there's one boy
at this school I can talk to
who gets it.
Who understands that
first feeling of intimacy
and the incessant need
for more that follows.
For sure.
It was an incredible opportunity,
and I'm definitely gonna do it again.
But it's actually now time
for me to focus on my academics.
Why don't you come over tonight?
My address is on the back.
What are we gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Well, she wants sex,
so obviously we're both
gonna go to her house
and we're both gonna have sex with her.
Probably one at a time.
I'm definitely not going. She scares me.
What are you talking about?
I'm going, and I'm not scared.
You sure? I think you're freaking out
'cause your lie is
getting out of control.
My lie is the best thing
that ever happened to us,
and you know it, Peter.
You're just jealous.
I'm really not. I'm afraid of her.
Are you wearing leather shorts?
Yeah, they're my mom's.
Why are you wearing your mom's clothes?
My dad's clothes were too small for me.
Stop wearing your parents' clothes!
You're your own boy, Peter!
Wear your clothes!
Okay. Good luck tonight!
Up here.
Found it.
What's this?
Just some absinthe.
My ex-boyfriend brought me some
back from Amsterdam.
Europe's awesome. [INHALES SHARPLY]
Hey, real quick, do you mind
if this night stays between us?
Yeah, alright.
Also, you should know,
um, I've had a lot of different kinds
of sexual intercourse, and sometimes,
honestly, my penis doesn't
even come into play at all,
and I've still walked away being like,
"That That was good for me".
Yup, a-yup.
Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yop.
Why don't we put on some music?
Drink up.
Maybe the world is blind ♪
Or just a little unkind ♪
Although ♪
- You may be lonely and then ♪
- Can I go to the bathroom?
- What?
I just, I need to go to the bathroom.
The music is so loud.
- Every time ♪
- I'm feeling a little weird
'cause the music's so loud,
I just want to go
It's just so loud. It's so loud.
I turn around ♪
I see the girl that
turns my world around ♪
- Standing there ♪
- You okay?
I'm really not.
Every time I turn around ♪
- Her spirit's lifting me right off the ground ♪
- You will be.
Guess we'll just wait and see ♪
What have you gotten yourself into?
In my wildest dreams ♪
In my wildest dreams ♪
I've never seen anything ♪
[ECHOING] Look at me, Chad.
Like this ♪
Chad, do you like this?
With some give and take ♪
Oh, my God, it's all happening.
I'm having sex with this girl.
- Of magically making my day ♪
[SOBBING] God, where am I?!
Chaddy joon, is everything alright?
Go away, Uncle Hamid.
Okay, bye.
- Stay with me!
- Okay.
What happened, Chad?
I was tricked into being a booty call
and I'm freaking out now and I want
I want my mommy.
It's okay, Chad.
Your mommy is kissing right now,
but I am here for you.
Listen, I don't totally
understand your situation yet,
but when I was dating multiple
women in post-revolution Iran,
things became very messy.
Everyone was tricking each other.
Tricking, tricking.
I'm tricking you, I'm tricking you.
No, you are my friend.
No, you're not my friend.
- You are tricking me again.
Ultimately, it is always the trickster
who pays the highest price.
[SOBBING] What are you talking about?!
- I'm saying you will be alright
- I don't understand.
What happened?
Chad's booty was called tonight
and he is very upset about it.
Alright, Hamid. Thank you.
Okay, let's stay calm.
Walk me through what happened.
You were with a girl?
Yes, and she's too fast for me.
A-And I blacked out right as
she was mounting my body.
Wait, you blacked out?
So you're not exactly sure
what happened?
[WHINING] Stop grilling me!
[SOBS] I don't remember anything!
Except that I'm a liar,
I'm a big old liar,
and now I'm probably a father.
- Honey.
- I don't wanna be a father!
Wait, we can fix this.
I'll call her mom.
- No, I'll kill you!
- Okay!
I don't even know if she has a mom!
She just has a neighbor
and a debit card.
She doesn't even use a backpack.
She just comes to class [SOBS]
with a b-broken pencil
and a ripped piece of paper.
Have you ever heard
of such a terrifying thing?!
I just want to play video
games with Peter!
Come here. Come here, baby.
Oh, sweetheart.
I brought you water.
That's very nice of you, Niki.
Chad, you want to say thank you?
I don't really like water, but fine.
Get out of here, you li-little dipshit.
I'm sorry about whatever
happened, sweetie.
Being a teenager can be really tough.
It's horrifying.
Now, tomorrow morning,
I want you to go up to this girl
and get the full story of what happened.
We can go from there. Okay?
Please turn on my Fortnite light.
Hey, Marjorie.
- Your bedsheets.
- Thanks.
Not really sure why you took those.
You were fully clothed.
It was very disorienting
waking up like that.
Listen, Marjorie,
I'd give anything for you
to tell me nothing happened,
but I have to ask you.
Did we have sex? Are you pregnant?
How do we know I'm the dad?
Chad, you passed out.
We didn't have sex.
- What?
- We didn't have sex.
I can tell you're saying that
to make me feel better.
And it's working. Thank you.
It's the truth.
Hey, thank you.
Don't wink at me.
You're a good girl.
No, I'm not.
Maybe like the fashion club
or the chess club
- or something like that.
- Oh. I see that for you.
- Just want to hear
- Hey, Peter.
So, did you have sex?
How was it?
I did have sex. It was intense.
You should know, though,
that we have decided not to tell people.
So don't tell anyone.
Unless you want to.
I feel like you're lying.
Denise, don't. Don't be like that.
REID: Hey, Chad! Hop in.
Looks like Reid wants me to join
him on a stolen golf cart.
That's exciting.
I promise I'll come back
for you guys, probably.
Here you go, dawg. Help yourself.
Ooh, worms!
Damn! You're a professional.
I trip balls from just like half of one.
That's weed, dude.
RAUL: What are you doing?
Ugh! Ugh!
See you guys later.
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