Chad (2021) s01e02 Episode Script


Alright, birthday girl.
One last present.
This one's from Ikrimah.
Oh, lucky.
- Thanks, Ikrimah.
- Thanks, Ikrimah.
- Noise-canceling headphones.
- Canceling headpho-o-o-o-o-nes!
Oh, my God. So great. So urban.
I love it.
- Okay, Mom, my turn.
- Okay, okay.
I thought it was just Niki's birthday.
It is.
We have this ridiculous ritual
where Chad also gets gifts
on my birthday.
Otherwise, he throws a tantrum.
It's mostly just an adorable tradition
we've kept up that I encourage,
but way way to put
a negative spin on it, you dick.
Nope, nope. We're not doing this today.
Okay, Chad joon. Here are your presents.
What is it?
Just pants?
You guys got me just straight-up pants?
Hamid and I thought
you could use a new pair.
- What?
- N-Nothing.
I'll wear it, but you should
You should probably know it
just brings me zero joy. That's all.
But thank you.
Thank you, Hamid. Thank you.
Okay, what else?
Okay, there is one more
very special gift
all the way from Iran.
Oh, is it from Dad?
It's from Dad? My father?
Holy mother of
what the heck?
What do you think it is, Mom?
It's a sword.
Oh, my God. I'm gonna throw up.
It's a sword!
It's a freaking sword, Mom!
He listened. Get out of the way.
- Mom, he listened.
- I know, honey. I'm so glad.
I love Dad so much.
Oh, my God!
Am I allowed to say "holy shit"?
Holy shit!
This is amazing! Yes!
Now, Chad, you have to be careful.
It is a sword.
Get rid of this shit, right?
Those pants are hideous.
Hi, Dad.
It's Chad, your son.
I got it. It's friggin' amazing.
Mom got me pants, so you win again.
Want to see some tricks?
Wait. Shoot.
That's the end of my video.
Thank you.
Miss you.
Lights out, Chad. Time for bed.
Clearly busy, Mom.
I'm cleaning the sword.
And after this, I got to polish it
with some microcrystalline
Renaissance Wax
that prevents rust almost indefinitely.
- There's a whole process.
- Mm-hmm.
You had a pretty fun weekend.
Yeah, 'cause of my sword.
- Oh, Mom.
- Mm-hmm?
Look. Saw this note in the box.
Called me his little warrior.
Your dad loves you so much.
I know, huh?
For someone I see literally never,
he sure knows how to throw
a damn smile on my face.
Listen, about your dad,
I know you have
a lot of feelings about him.
What do you think about maybe
talking to your school counselor?
Aww, that's a fun, little idea.
But pretty sure anyone
looking at my life from the outside in
would be like, "Yep, you're good."
Well, I made you an appointment
to see him tomorrow,
so I'm sorry I phrased it
like a question.
That was straight-up sneaky of you.
Please don't do that again.
And you are not to take
that sword to school tomorrow.
- I'm not going to.
- Chad, promise me.
- I promise!
- I'm serious.
Mom, I swear on Niki's life.
You look like Captain Jack Sparrow.
Curse of the Black Pearl."
Okay, you don't need to say
the whole title, Peter,
but thank you.
Hey, can I hold it?
Mm, just for a little bit.
Okay, alright, I'm uncomfortable.
- O-Okay.
- It's just very fragile.
It's an international artifact.
- What a rush. Yeah.
- Right?
Can't wait to bring this puppy to school
and watch people just kind of
slowly lose their minds.
Why are you bringing it to school?
'Cause it's the coolest friggin'
thing in the world, Peter.
We're in high school now, okay?
Objects matter.
If people thought
me having sex was cool,
they're definitely gonna think
me having a sword is cool.
We just need to find a way
to sneak it past security.
And then she literally, like,
yelled at me, and it was
Big announcement
at lunch today it's a sword.
What'd he say?
- Okay.
- Big announcement.
It's gonna be crazy.
Yeah, bring people to stadium.
What's going on, Bartholomew?
Yeah, this dude's gonna show us
his penis during lunch.
No, I'm not. It's not my penis.
What is it, then?
Sorry, sir.
Something else entirely.
Peter, get out of the bathroom.
This isn't a cello.
So, Chad, what is up, my man?
I'm not totally sure.
I'm not really clear on what this is
or why I'm talking to you.
Hey, we are just two homies hanging out.
So, your mom mentioned
you haven't seen your dad
in a couple years.
That sucks, right?
Yeah. He lives in Iran
but he calls me sometimes,
and I always answer.
He has two cars.
Two cars? Tell me more about Dad.
He seems like a cool guy.
Um, he loves olives.
He's jacked and friendly
like a Persian The Rock.
Hm. Hilarious.
You miss him?
Yeah, I can tell.
And we can't just
Rollerblade over to Iran, can we?
I mean, we could, but it'd be
hard 'cause it's far from here,
and there are oceans
and obstacles in our way, right?
Are you a real doctor?
Okay, 'cause I'm not trying
to be disrespectful or anything,
but I kind of feel like
you're winging this
and it's going bad.
Oh, boy. The gloves are coming off.
I'm fun.
I can hang with you.
Have I told you that I used to write
and perform parody songs in college?
No, sir, I literally met you
like 10 sentences ago.
Taking Charles down.
I love it.
Alright, thank you all
for coming to my special reveal.
Uh, lunch lady, didn't invite you.
Kind of seems like
the only time
you should be working, but okay.
Without further delay, Peter?
You didn't tell me about the buckles.
Okay, we've talked about
when things are time-sensitive, Peter.
Here we go.
It's a sword.
It's a real-life,
full-on authentic sword.
They're completely shocked.
- Yeah.
- Can't believe it.
- Is that it?
- No.
Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
Not yet. Do it at the end.
Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
Are you all ready for Chad?
Chad, you shouldn't
bring that to school.
I don't think people
are amused by weapons.
Yeah, I mean, she's right.
Especially in this political climate.
Okay, this is definitely
the last thing I need right now
is for the two of you to join forces.
Separate, please.
Obviously, I'm a huge feminist,
but if you could redirect
your evil female energy
That went by fast.
Ple Please try to spread
the word about my sword.
- Hey, Reid.
- Ah, sword.
En garde, bitch.
Unh, unh, unh.
He liked it.
He li you liked it.
I had a really good time just now.
That That little fun we had.
You know, like,
playfully called me a bitch.
- Yeah, man. Uh, cool sword.
- It is cool, huh?
- Yeah.
- Oh, hey.
Um, I was just thinking,
since based on just what happened
and everything I know about the sword
and how awesome it is
and how awesome you are,
um, you can have it.
For real?
Yep. It's yours, man.
You just go ahead and keep it.
Cool, man. Thanks.
Hey, Reid.
Life is short. Be happy.
Yeah. Uh, thanks.
- Look at that.
- Hey, guys.
- See it? I know you do.
- What's up? What's up, man?
Hey, Reid, did you
get a chance to tell them
the whole backstory yet with the sword
and wh-where you got it
and who you got it from?
Wh-What's that?
Dude, Reid, your sword is so awesome.
He doesn't know the whole backstory.
Oh. Oh! Ohhhhh!
Get this on the 'gram.
Oh, hell yes. So sick.
Let's all get a photo
for our Instagram accounts.
And if Reid, if you could
tag me, that would be awesome.
Oh, okay. I'm just gonna
Oh, here we go.
Oh, I stepped in shit.
Oh! You stepped in dog shit!
Shoot. Oh, no.
- You stepped in shit.
- No.
I'm literally stabbing old dog shit.
- Oh, my God.
- No, don't do that.
Jaxon shit himself.
Why is it so soft?
Is this animal okay?
Don't do that with the
That's really funny,
but that's not
It's not really for that.
It's an international artifact.
Dude, why is it curved?
Ew! Ew!
Unh, unh, unh!
Slice and dice. Aha.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Chad, what's wrong?
It's just man stuff.
I don't want to talk
to you about it. You're a lady.
Honey, you can talk to me
about anything.
I wanna talk to men only right now.
Please bring me Ikrimah.
I'll bring Hamid.
And Ikrimah.
So, what's up, young stud?
Give it to us, men on men.
I need to talk to you guys
about something,
but you have to swear
not to tell my mom.
No questions asked.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
I mean, it depends on what you tell me.
I can also just leave.
You must stay.
I could never do this without you.
He's good. He swears.
Okay, well, I took my sword to school,
even though I wasn't supposed to,
and this guy Reid really liked it,
so I gave him my sword to keep forever.
No, no, no, but your dad gave it to you.
- I know.
- Shoot.
You're making me nervous, Hamid.
It's okay, it's okay.
Hey, you could just go
back to school and get it back.
And I think the way to do that
is to tell the truth.
Ikrimah, you're on fire.
You must talk to this Reid face-to-face.
Approach him, look him in the eyes,
take his hand gently.
Mm, I don't know about
I wouldn't take his hand.
Look him in the eyes and tell him
what the sword means to you
on a personal level.
If he is a good man,
he will give you the sword back.
As long as Ikrimah's on board.
The three of us, huh?
We are so same-minded.
This is Lamborghini-level
problem solving.
Alright, I'm gonna just do it, Peter.
I'm gonna stay cool
and tell him
how much the sword means to me.
I-I believe in you, buddy.
Just do it the way we practiced.
- Here I go.
- Mm.
Hey, Reid.
Ah, hey, man. What's up?
Hi, hi, and hello.
What is up is, how's your day?
And also, I was wondering
if I could talk to you about the sword.
Oh, yeah, the sword.
Yeah, I put up mad videos last night
and got, like,
triple digits on Instagram.
So it's, like, huge.
Yeah, I-I saw.
It was really cool.
- Yeah.
- Oh, there it is.
What's your Instagram? I'll tag you.
Forgot to give you photo creds.
Sorr I'm sorry. What?
What's your Instagram?
It's, uh, Chad underscore
Amani underscore.
Don't forget the second underscore.
Yeah, I-I-I got it.
Can I just make sure
that you didn't forget?
Is that is that you?
That's me.
Wh What was it you
were gonna ask for?
Just gonna say thank you.
For everything.
Oh. That's it?
And also, just to
Don't forget to have a TGIF.
Enjoy your Wednesday night, Reid.
Hey, what what does TGIF
stand for, again?
Thank God It's Friday.
Shit. Damn.
Yeah, I used it wrong.
Dang it.
How'd it go?
Well, he's gonna acknowledge me
on Instagram,
so guess you could say
it was one of the best
conversations of my entire life.
And he's gonna give you back the sword?
No. No, he's not.
But I only have one father in this life,
so we're gonna have to steal it.
This one's for you, Babai.
If you're here, you've been picked
to help with what I call.
"Operation Steal the Sword Back."
First step
Peter, can you confirm
the car is locked?
It's locked, sir.
I like that. I like the "sir."
Everybody, do that.
I'm sorry. Do I need to be here?
I feel like you're acting like
I'm part of your friend group.
Marjorie, everyone plays a role,
and you're at the center of this thing.
We need you to break into the car.
I don't know how to break into a car.
What are you talking about?
Don't you come from
the wrong side of the tracks?
Hey, one sec!
Just got to grab my vape from my car!
Shit. Reid's coming back.
Okay, let's get out of here.
We'll come back when
I panicked.
Uh, Chad?
Dude, some dude just flew into your car.
What the hell?
I'll I'll pay for everything.
Why are you in my car?
W-What is wrong with you?
You broke into my car.
Wow. What a freak.
No, I'm not a freak.
You don't understand.
It's my daddy.
- Dude, are you on meth?
- Dude.
Shut up!
It's from my daddy.
He told me to protect it.
No, Chad, your leg.
You need to go get some help.
It was just a snafu.
No, you're bleeding, Chad.
Peter, tell them.
Why is it escalating?
- Chad.
- Oh, my God.
- It was just a little snafu.
- What's going on?
This kid's just bleeding to death
and saying "daddy" and "snafu."
Chad, it's Charles.
Put the sword down,
or I will have to tackle you.
I don't want to get tackled.
We love you, Chad. Just put it down.
I promise you put the sword down,
no tackling will happen.
Okay. Okay.
What a roller coaster
we've been on with these pants.
Guess they're going
where they were
destined to be all along.
Chad, this is exactly
what I didn't want to happen.
I'm obviously getting rid of this.
What? Mom, no.
This is my lowest point in my life,
and you're taking my one sword
from my one father?
Come on, Chad.
I shouldn't have let you have it
from the start.
Mom, wait. Just let me say goodbye.
No, Chad.
- Mom.
- Stop it.
Oh, my God, Mom.
Just tell him that
you bought the sword already.
And all the other Dad gifts.
Niki, can you give us a minute?
Mom, why would you do that?
I know.
It's okay.
It doesn't even matter.
No, let me explain.
Mom, I just already said
it doesn't matter even.
'Cause if Dad were here,
he would've gotten me the sword, right?
Yeah. See?
And he is definitely
still really proud of me, right?
He's really proud of you.
Look, I'm not gonna
take your sword away.
But it is a weapon.
So I'm gonna place it on this shelf
and I'll take it back down
when you're old enough
to be more responsible.
So, like, could be tomorrow,
maybe the next day?
Probably a bit further off than that.
- Hey, Mom?
- Mm-hmm?
Thank you for everything.
You're a really great mom and whatnot.
I love ya, honey.
Love you, too.
Actually, no.
What the hell was I thinking?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode