Chad (2021) s02e03 Episode Script



- CHAD: What, what!
- Yo.
First day back at
school from suspension.
Did you miss me?
- Oh, yes.
- Is that a shark tooth necklace?
- It's from a sand shark.
My uncle Rick got it for
me in Puerto Vallarta.
Okay. Well, you look like
you're hosting a TV
show on Animal Planet.
Okay, I really don't think
we should be taking fashion risks today.
This is my comeback tour.
I gotta lay low, I gotta just
be small for a little bit.
- You know, humble.
- I love that.
I love the notion of you being humble.
Thank you. Me too. [LAUGHS]
No one will be more humble than me.
Not one man!
Eagles aren't always in the air, Peter.
Sometimes they gotta land.
Eagles are dishonorable birds, Chad.
They're the snakes of the sky.
- You shouldn't aim for that.
- You know what I'm saying.
No, really, eagles steal fish
out of other birds' mouths.
Okay. Peter! We're on the
goddamn staircase of a vehicle.
Move. Just
What are you doing, teaching me
about eagles' behaviors right now?

How am I doing?
Great. No one's even looking at you.
Are you sure? I can't totally tell.
You got this buddy, keep it moving.
Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God!
- Shit, shit, shit.
- Let me just
- No!
I-I'm so sorry.
- Peter, stop.
- I'm trying to absorb all of
Peter, stop it with the rapid strokes!
These are normal strokes.
Peter, you're rubbing my crotch
like there's a damn genie in there.
Hey, Chad, did you
shit out of your dick?
Yeah, Theo, I shit out my dick,
and it's crawling up my torso.
Chad, I'm stop done yet. Hold on.
How's it going up there, buddy?
My back-to-school pants
smell like oat milk.
- Oh.
- Peter?
Peter it's motion activated, jiggle me.
CHARLES: Chad Amani, please come
to the guidance counselor's office.
What the hell is she doing here?
Have you two met? Do you know Mona?
Uh, yes, we did. I'd
say it was not so great.
- What do you think?
- Um, I'd say she whirling-dervished into me
and spilled freaking coffee
all over my Eddie Bauer khakis.
- Mm.
- I said I was sorry.
- They're Eddie Bauer.
- Mm-kay.
Chad, Mona here is from Europe,
which I am literally obsessed with.
- The Eiffel Tower, Germany, oh
- Oh, my God.
ugh, I hope to go some day.
Excuse me, uh, why am I here?
Yeah, why are either of us here?
Neither of us wants this.
Well, Chad here is going
to be your peer helper.
Peer what? No.
Wha-What is a peer helper?
I-I don't feel like being
either of those words.
I thought maybe he could show you around
since you two have a
little thing in common
called "Both being from Persia "
"Persian" both being
you're both Persian, right?
- That's the
- Oh, my God.
- What do you think, Chad?
- Charles, if you even want a chance
of an adult friendship
with me when I graduate,
we're not doing this.
I really do want that, but
sadly you're under probation,
- and it's not up to you.
- I'm absolutely livid at you.
So what do you say we close this
deal with a double high five?
I have never once come into this
office and enjoyed the visit.

[SPEAKS FRENCH] What is that?
He is.
Is that what it was?
That room says library
because it is the library.
That's our lovable janitor, Terry,
and those are Terry's trash cans.
And that is the tour of the school.
- Sup, Chad?
- Terry, my dude.
This girl is from France.
Say something hilarious.
You want me to say something?
Like a complete joke?
- Terry gets nervous.
- I'm down. I'm down to do it.
You're just like, "Terry,
say something," and I'm like, "Shit.
That's a lot to put on a brother."
- This interaction's taking too long.
- You know what I mean, right?
- I love this guy.
- Terry's like family.
So, yeah, you're pretty
much in America now.
Be a good girl and don't get deported.
What? That's it?
You didn't show me where
any of my classes are.
Oh, that's just because I
have no idea where they are,
and I don't care to.
So goodbye, mademoiselle.
Oh, okay, I've got a joke for you.
Terry, just text it to me.
The moment has passed,
but don't be bummed,
we'll get it next time, my dude.

TEACHER: We're going to use the equation
rather than using the chart, okay?

Come on. Ugh.
I'm so sorry I have to go see
t-this new girl from France.

Excuse me. Hi.
Uh, what the hell are you doing?
It's class time. You can't leave.
Why not? I have a free period.
Uh, because we're sophomores.
Only seniors with enough spirit points
have off-campus privileges.
How How do you not know that?
My peer helper was shit.
I'm new here, I want to explore.
- Explore?
- At my old school in Paris,
we used to go out on the field
during recess just to have fun.
I-I-I don't know what
kind of European sex orgy
you're used to being enrolled
in, but t-this is America.
We can't just do whatever we want.
Ah, it seems the probation
bad boy has lost his edge, no?

Bad boy.

Are you okay?
Uh, yeah, no, I wanted to do that.
I can't believe we're just
fully on Culver Avenue right now.
This is insane.
What is the big deal?
Uh, the big deal is that I've literally
never been on Culver
Avenue not inside a car.
I mean, it's school time,
and I can feel the
freakin' wind on my face.
I'm like Dominic Toretto
zipping around town
in "The Fast and Furiouses."
Have you watched the "Fasts"?
Yes. I love them!
My father worked for a
company that built the airplane
in "Fast and Furious 6."
- What?
- Yeah, I got to visit the set.
Oh, my God! Are you
freaking kidding me?!
Wait, t-tell me everything!
Did you get to see the cars?
Well, what are famous people like?
Are they as short and horny
and stupid as everyone says?
No, they seemed cool.
On the last day of the shoot,
Ludacris got a coffee
truck for the entire crew.
Oh, my God, Luda.
- That man is classy.
- It was really classy.
- Jinx. [LAUGHS]
- Jinx.
Oh, my God, you know jinx.
So, is your mom a stay at home
or does she also work with Vin Diesel?
Uh, my mother passed
away a few years ago.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Uh, honestly, I don't even
know what to say to that.
It's really, really okay.
Most people say the wrong
stuff and make it worse.
Well, I'll do my best to
not be one of those people.
And did she die violently, or
No, nothing like that.
Good. Okay, good.
That's what's up, that's what's up.
Ooh, light's green.
Oh, my God, an American diner?
Let's go get a burger.
It's 10:00 in the morning.

Can't believe you almost
said no to the hat.
Hm, well, I'm not 7 years old.
What the hell are you doing?
Just dipping my fries into a milkshake.
It's a classic American combo.
Isn't it good?
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
- You're a genius.
Okay, ya weirdo.
Just a totally out-of-nowhere
french fry boop?
Oh, I guess me too. [CHUCKLES]
Why do you pretend that
you don't speak Farsi?
What is your issue? You
don't like being Persian?
Whoa, shifting gears.
I'm just saying, it's
cool that we're Persian.
Okay. Yeah, I already know that.
Then why are you being
weird and uncomfortable?
There is literally
nothing on this planet
that can make me weird or uncomfortable.
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
- Age Ye rooz beri safar ♪
- What are you doing, we're in a restaurant?
- Beri ze pisham bi khabar ♪
- Mona, stop it.
Asire royaha misham ♪
Dobare baz tanha misham ♪
Be shab migam pisham bemoone ♪
Be baad migam ta sob bekhoone ♪
Bekhoone az diare yari ♪
Chera miri tanham mizari? ♪
It's a Persian love song.
The man is telling her, "If
you leave me without notice,
I will held captive by my dreams.
I will be alone forever."
Our people are intense, no?
So intense.
PETER: Savory or sweet foods?
I never actually asked you.
DENISE: Um, I mean, I guess sweet.
- What about you?
- Um, on a good day sweet.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Oh, hey.
How are you guys' yesterdays?
What did you do?
Oh, my cousin's surgery
went off without a hitch.
- We celebrated by releasing balloons
- That's grea And that's great.
And while you did that,
I fully went off campus
with that new girl, Mona,
and we liked the same movies,
and she has a dead mom, and she sings.
- You ditched school?
- Yes.
Sometimes you gotta just say eff
it and be a bad bitch, Denise.
Is that her?
Oh, my God, what is
she doing at that table?

Um, hey, what are you doing?
What is this?
Why is there water at the bottom?
That's just how American
school lasagna is.
Hey, you can't sit here. We
have to sit somewhere else.
Uh, what?
Why? Nobody's here.
Those are just the rules.
Yeah, this is actually
where the popular kids sit.
- Those guys right there.
- That's who you're worried about?
Chad, look at them. They're
nothing special. They're just boys.
What? No, you don't know what
the hell you're talking about.
They're not just boys.
They're the most popular kids in school.
- They're just boys.
- No, they're not!
Reid was in a local commercial
Okay, act natural.
I am told no one can sit here but you?
Uh, usually we sit
here, but it's all good.
You're kinda creating a scene, Mona.
What are you talking about?
He just said, "It's all good."
- Hey, are you new here?
- No.
- What's your name?
- Um, my name is
No, she's just some random Persian girl.
She doesn't matter.
My name is Mona.
Nice to meet you.

You Do

Age ye rooz beri safar ♪
Beri ze pisham bi khabar ♪
Asire royaha misham ♪
Dobare baz tanha misham ♪
Be shab migam pisham bemoone ♪
Be baad migam ta sob bekhoone ♪
Bekhoone az diare yari ♪
Chera miri tanham mizari? ♪


Hamid? Hamid?
- Hamid, are you awake?
You're awake.

Thank God you're a night owl, Hamid.
Man, I had the most intense dream.
Do you play a weighted keyboard?
No, I'm afraid of instruments.
Well, in the dream, this Persian
girl from school was singing,
and you guys were the backup
band, and Terry was there.
And the next thing I knew,
I was tenderly braiding
her hair, and I liked it.
So, what is that?
Well, I'm not sure who Terry is,
but that sounds like a big boy dream.
What the hell are you talking about?
What happens when you
think about this girl?
Hm, I don't know. My mouth gets dry,
and my palms get sweaty,
and I feel like I
have bees in my stomach
- and hamsters in my butt. Why?
- Chaddy, wake the heck the up!
- You have a crush on this chick.
- Oh, my God.
Bless your tiny, little
elderly Persian instincts,
- that's not it.
- Maybe I'm wrong and you're right.
You're the gangster.
I am a little bit of a gangster, huh?

- YOUNG MAN: Yeah.
- [LAUGHS] That's funny.
I don't know, I mean
What are we all laughing at?
Seeing as how Kevin has literally
never said anything
funny his entire life.
Am I wrong?
Uh, this is Am I wrong?
I guess I'm not wrong.
This is Mona. We're just talking.
I know what the lady's name is, Kevin.
I'm her peer helper.
You wouldn't know that 'cause
you're not a part of our lives.
No, actually I'd like to talk to Kevin.
He's a nice guy, and he's
not embarrassed of me.
Okay. Well, if you know
Mona so well, Kev-in,
why don't you riddle me this
what does she like to
do loudly in restaurants?
What does it matter?
I'm just some random
Persian girl, remember?
Guys, I-I'm lost here.
I think I understand
what the problem is here.

Kevin, a word?

We need to talk.

Whatever it is, not now.
I'm eating a sandwich,
just fired up a podcast.
There's drama between me and Kevin.

Kevin, do you want to start?
I'll let Chad take this one.
Kevin tried to replace
me as Mona's peer helper.
It's a coup tat tat.
She just asked me where her class was.
- I'm being replaced.
- Chad, calm down.
No, I won't calm down. You assigned me.
I'm the peer helper.
Tell him to back down
and get off my dick.
- Nobody's on your dick.
- Yes, you are!
Okay. Everybody get
off everybody's dicks.
Chad, it sounds like he's
just trying to be a friend.
Well, she doesn't need him, okay?
She has me, I'm the peer helper.
Do you even realize
I've known her an entire
day longer than him?
- Why does that matter?
- Because I like her!
I like her!
Oh, my God.
- Oh Oh, my God.
You need help with the locks, there?
Kev Dogg, thank you so much.

Do you like her?

Terry, I can't talk right now!
I want to sit ♪
I want to sit and read the paper ♪
And I want to dream ♪
I want to dream, I want to dream ♪
I want to dream ♪
I want to dream 'bout you forever ♪
There you are.
- I need to tell you something.
- Well, what's up, champ?
Oh, my God, this school
is so goddamn big.
Okay, I-I can't
believe I'm saying this,
but Hamid was right I
have feelings for Mona.
I mean, Hamid's always right.
That's amazing, Chad.
I know it's super adorable.
How do we trick her into liking me back?
No, no, no, don't trick
her just tell her.
And whatever you do, don't wait.
I waited three days to tell Denise,
and it was the biggest
regret of my life.
Would it be okay if we just
focused on me right now?
You're right. Do you know where she is?
I know exactly where she is. Let's go!
Wait, why am I coming?
Hey, you guys! You're just boys!
That's it. We're all just boys!

I am what you want me to be ♪
- Where are we going?
- Just follow me!
- Oh! Sorry.


Age ye rooz ♪

Did I do it right?
- Some of it.
- Some of it, yeah.
Mona, I'm really so
sorry a-about what I said.
I didn't mean any of it.
I just freaked out. Those
boys make me freak out.
Well, I told you you shouldn't.
I bet they will all grow
up to be very mediocre.
Oh, I don't know,
I'm pretty sure people
who peak in high school
just keep on ascending after that.
But I am sorry.
I know.
- I forgive you.
- And a-also
I also wanted to say that
you're, like, really fun,
and I've truly enjoyed
these last 53 hours with you,
and I really just wanted
to tell you that I like y
- I have a boyfriend.
- Hmm?
What was that, hmm?
I have a boyfriend back home.
I don't know if that
matters of is worth sharing,
but I realized I never told you.
And you're my friend,
so I should tell you.
Oh, that's awesome.
Oh, my gosh, that's really great.
I-I love that for you and for him, too.
- What was his name?
- His name is Benoit.
Benoit. Oh, my God, Benoit.
Must be such a good dude.
Is he a little French guy?
- Um, he's not little, so
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he's F
- Benoit sounds French as hell.
[LAUGHS] That's really great.
I'm glad you are my peer helper, Chad.
You're not shit. You're fun.
You're cute and chaotic
in a truly fascinating way.
Thank you.
So, is your friend going to sit with us
or he is just going to watch us eat?
Oh, Peter?
No, he's good just standing
there watching us eat.

Age ye rooz beri safar ♪
Beri ze pisham bi khabar ♪
Asire royaha misham ♪
Dobare baz tanha misham ♪
Be shab migam pisham bemoone ♪
Be baad migam ta sob bekhoone ♪
Bekhoone az diare yari ♪
Chera miri tanham mizari? ♪
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