Chad (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

Maman Bozorg


- Chad, she's coming! Get up!
- Oh!
Why do Iranians need a
whole-ass welcome committee
at the airport it's like
we're congratulating people
on just riding an airplane.
Chaddy joon, it's Persian New Year.
- Come on.
- It's friggin' March.
What kind of calendar are we even using?
Niki, quick, quick,
get the poster ready.
Gonna see my tracks
on every road in town ♪
Yeah, when I'm an old
lady, I'll still be queen ♪
Just come for a ride and
you'll see what I mean ♪
I'm smokin' the
boys, smokin' the boys ♪
Hello, hello.
Hamid joon.
- Hi, Grandma!
Hi, Maman Bozorg, nowruz mobarak.
This hug is really long.
Chad, we meet again.
You're my oldest grandson.
I can't wait to hear how
wonderful your life is.

'Kay, Grandma, this is my room.
Not sure if you remember it.
Wow, so this is where the magic happens?
Oh, yeah, I actually practice
magic all throughout the house
but also in this room.
- Yep.
- Che bahal.
Yeah, so, that's my Xbox is there.
That's my desk over there
and the adjoining chair.
That's a rapper I'm not
allowed to listen to.
Those are my pencils.
Those are pretty much
all my little pencils.
Yeah, that's the tour.
Chad joon, I brought you a present.
Okay. I love gifts.
- What is it?
- Guess what it is.
It's a cologne.
- Oh.
- Smell it.
Oh, Christ.
What am I, an Uber Black driver?
It's fully a man's torso.
Not even in the box.
Okay, I actually really prefer
my natural scent, but thank you.
It's the thought that counts, I'm told.
You're so welcome.

What's that picture above your pillow?
Oh, just a cute little
pug in an astronaut suit.
Searching for his little space bone.
So you're a virgin?
You're not having sex.
What are you talking about?
We were just talking
about my little pug.
- Sex?
- Stop saying sex.
You're sitting so close to me.
It's funny.
After five years, I thought you'd be
more of a man by now.
So is your grandma here to celebrate
the Chaharshanbe Suri holiday?
She is, indeed.
She is truly disrupting
all my little daily rituals.
And now all these random Persian cousins
are going to come to see her.
I-I don't know these people.
Ah, fun. I wish I had cousins.
What's Chaharshanbe Suri?
Oh, it's part of Nowruz.
Iranian people like to
celebrate the new year
by jumping over fire
as a symbol of rebirth.
I-I just wish Persian
people had one holiday
about passing out candy.
White people have, like, three!
Yeah, Chad's never been
able to jump over the fire.
Peter, there is absolutely no need
for you to be a little
goblin gossip right now.
Okay? I-I can jump over fire just fine.
O-Okay, sorry, partner.
Do you know, like, any
Europeans that would be chill
selling to minors?
No, nothing.
Sorry, I said something
and it made Peter laugh
and la-laughter's contagious
so I'm just laughing now.
What are you guys talking about?
We're just trying to figure out a way
to get alcohol for the party tonight.
What about your older
brother? Could he get us some?
Oh, nah, he, like, got all spiritual,
and now he doesn't drink anymore.
What? Lame! [CHUCKLES]
I'm just kidding.
I love God.
I pray to him all the time.
Her. I pray to her all the time.
I'm so bummed, I was
really looking forward
to my first American party.
I'll br-bring it.
Wait, what?
I-I'll bring the alcohol to the party.
You can, like, get
enough, though, by tonight?
Sure can.
Because it's okay if you can't.
- I can.
- Yeah.
I'll just call my alcohol dealer.
- I mean, whatever you got to do.
- He's awesome.
Ricard. He'll hook us up.
Well, I guess I'll see you tonight then?
You sure will.
- Okay.
- I love our plans.
I can't wait to see them unfold.
Alright, bro, see you later.
See ya.
I-I already did you.
Do either of you have alcohol?
Aww Come on, just mixers?!
And the chaos ensues.
[SPEAKS IN FARSI] Hello, Chaddy joon!
Chaddy joon, Chaddy joon!
Have we met before?
Okay, a man just straight
chowing down on a cucumber.
Hey, Hamid, oh, my gosh.
I'm loving all the little
Nowruz sea creatures and garlic,
but what if the adults
want alcohol after dinner?
- Should we get a keg?
- Oh, I'm a lightweight.
I can barely stand
after a hard kombucha.
You should get that looked at.
There's no beer in there.
W-What? No, I-I don't
I'm not looking for beer.
I'm looking for
Yep, carbonated yogurt water
with peppermint flavor.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
I'm not so old that I
have forgotten what happens
in high school.
Do you even drink alcohol?
Well, it's not
technically legal in Iran,
but yes, constantly.
- Whoa.
- Now you know my little secret.
Tell me yours.
Okay, well, I promised
this girl kind of that
I would bring alcohol to the
party at Joey's house tonight.
- And you like this girl?
- I dunno
Yeah, she's French, she's Persian,
she got a lot of
different things going on.
I'll get you the alcohol.
What, you will?
I need to pick up a few
things from the store.
I could use a strong man.
If you help me, I will
get alcohol for you.
Oh, my gosh, Grandma, thank you.
Wow, I honestly did not anticipate
this level of support.
Naz joon, Chad is going with
me to the Persian market,
then I'll drop him
at his friend's place.
What? No! We're having a party here!
It's okay 'cause this holiday
doesn't really resonate with me,
so I won't be here.
Chaddy joon, if you're still too scared
to jump over the fire, no
one will make you do it.
I'm not scared, Hamid.
You hid in the bathroom all last year.
Niki, it's fire! It's unpredictable!
Oh, my gosh, Mom, please?
Well, I guess I can't
argue with Maman Bozorg.
- You two have fun.
- Perfect.
- Yes!
- I'll go get my purse then.
- Is that a new cucumber?

Yep, yes.
What are you doing in there?
I'm currently deep in a
Danish pastry TikTok k-hole.
But, Grandma, I think
my mom usually hits
the alcohol aisle first.
Your mother works so hard.
You should do more for her.
Oh, I-I give her a purpose to live.
What more do you want than that?
Out of the cart.
You're getting too big for this.
I'm buried under pistachios, Grandma.

Chad, an Iranian man always knows
how to get the freshest meat.
Uh, c Hi, can you
hook us up with some meat?
No, I don't want him to
cut it. I want you to.
Grandma, you can't just walk in here
and start cutting up their lambs.
We're not at the freaking
bazaar in "Aladdin."
You guys! We're in America!
Children don't cut their own meat!

Oh, my God.
Poor little guy.
I'm so sorry!

Chad, are you watching this?
I don't get what gently slapping them
is going to tell you.
They're all watermelons.

Grandma, c-can we get the
alcohol and go already?
- Listen! The sound!
It's perfect!
- Okay.
- Hold on to it. I'll be right back.
A-alright, I-I'm just
Grandma, please.
I'm just in a huge rush right now.
Oh, no.
She's touching mine.
I don't know what to
do, she's touching my
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, that's okay.
Uh, ma'am, I'm so sorry.
This is my watermelon.
It's okay.
You're incredibly strong,
but please don't do this.
I keep it.
Can I please take it?

My God, she had one hell of
a grip on her, that woman.
I don't even know what
the hell just happened.
Well, go get it back.
What? Get it back?
G-Grandma, she's well into her hundreds
and she's not returning that melon.
- Let it go!
- No!
You're gonna let people
walk all over you?
Man up and go get it back.
Please don't make me go back
and have an interaction with her.
That was very tense.
Alright. Fine.
Let's go. I'll take you to your party.
Okay, what about the alcohol?
You didn't earn it.
What? No, you promised me.
I can't show up to
Joey's house empty-handed.
I survived three wars and a revolution.
And you don't even seem to
be surviving high school.
- Hmm.
I'm sorry your life is so stressful!
I-I'm having much bigger problems!
- ♪

Oh, my God

Thank you so much for the ride.
I don't know why you're pulling over.
We're not there yet.
What are you doing?
Don't take my back
Don't take my backpack!
Grandma! Grandma, you're scaring me.
I love you, so please don't
take this the wrong way,
but you're acting like a
- A little bitch.
- What?
How are you going to be a man
if you're scared of everything?
You're scared of jumping over fire,
you're scared of the boys in your class,
you're scared of an old
woman with a watermelon.
God, you you can't just
show up every five years
and rip me to shreds!
What are you doing?! Oh, my God!
Why can't you just be
a normal, nice grandma
who bakes me chocolate chip cookies?
That's what you do for a 7-year-old.
I'm trying to teach you
how to be an Iranian man.
I'm not an Iranian man!
I'm an American boy!
Ooh, great then.
If you're a boy, you don't
need any of this either.
Stop it. Stop it!
Stop it!
No, stop!
Oh, God!
What's wrong with you?
You want loose rosé?


- Excuse me.
- Hey!
Hey-hey! The party has arrived.
- Yo, you finally showed up.
- What are we drinking, you maniac?
Uh, dude, yeah, totally.
Um, before we get lit,
just wanna manage some expectations.
- I did bring alcohol.
- Hey!
It is gonna be more
of a sharing situation,
if that's cool.
Just, it's fine.
Hey, what the hell is this?
Uh, this is the alcohol I promised you.
- In a bag?
- Yeah, dawg.
Oh, there we go.
Some oh, you guys can
totally continue chitchatting
while I'm doing this.
Dude, what's with this
long, wet-ass receipt?
Shit, is that blood on your polo?
Oh, yeah. It's from a lamb.
Hey, you guys, I don't
want anyone to worry
- about trying to pay me back.
- Where's the rest of it, man?
- The rest of what?
- Uh, the rest of the alcohol.
Oh, I did bring a can
for when we run out of the bag.
We have that to look forward to.
Are you guys excited
to dri get drunk?
- On this?
- Yeah, let's do it.
Let's fire up some shots of rosé.
Dude, is this a joke? You
brought one can of rosé
and a wet bag of I don't
even know what this is!
It's got, like, cilantro chunks in it?
- Dude, you had one job.
- Bro, we only invited you 'cause
you said you'd bring alcohol,
and you didn't even do that.
Why would you say you can get alcohol
- if you can't get alcohol?
- Yeah, just get outta here, Chad.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I-It was actually really hard.
To get that.
You are so lame.

I'm lame?
I'm lame, Theo?
Joey, what did you guys contribute
to the gathering, huh?
Pretty sure you all
brought freaking Solo cups
with ginger ale.
Guess what we all
have access to ginger ale.
It's a drink for
children with tummy aches.
Did you bring alcohol?
Did you bring alcohol?
What about you, Marcy?
Did you bring alcohol?
I'm pretty sure you didn't.
I-I brought more alcohol than
all y'all sons of bitches.
Okay? I can see you
staring at me, Jonny.
Kiss my high and tight
plump little butt, bitch!
- I didn't even say anything.
- You didn't even need to say anything!
I can see you staring
at me fully losing it
in front of you guys.
And I don't even care because
I'm not afraid of you anymore.
And I'm sorry I'm not some 25-year-old
Wall Street hot shot with
access to a big jug of bourbon
on the rocks or whatever!
I-I worked freaking
hard to get that alcohol!
I burned bridges with an old woman
I'm related to!
Okay? And you know what?
That's my can!
You don't even get to drink it!

Oh, God, rosé's disgusting.

Chad, oh, my God, that was so cool!
It was? What did I do back there?
You lit into those dorks.
It was It was awesome.
Sometimes you got to
stand up for yourself.
Where are you going?
To a real party.
Can I come with you?
So you were just going
to have a Persian party
at your house and not invite me?
Well, I wasn't totally
sure where we were at.
Well, I'm here,
am I not?
Damn. United Nations over here.
I didn't understand
a word you just said.
I see she's more fluent than you.
Yeah! She is.
Um, Grandma,
I'm really sorry about earlier.
I lost my little mind.
Things happen.
You guys are just in time.
I'm about to light the bonfire.
Oh, I can do it!
You're sure?
Yeah. I want to.
Of course, you should do it.
You're the man of the house.
Yeah. I'm not sure if you guys do
the jumping-over-fire thing in France,
but it's kind of big
here spring, rebirth,
renewal Spring.
Perfect! Shall we?
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it.

Are you sure you're ready for this?
I will fake a stroke right
now if you need me to.
No, Hamid, I'm ready.
You inspire me.
Okay, here comes Chaddy,
and he's a big jumper!
Here I go! I'm jumping over fire!
- Oh, what a rush!
[LAUGHS] Wow, that was awesome.
That must be what it's
like to be on micro-doses.
- You nailed it, Chad.
- Thanks.
Watch me get all cocky now.
Oh, oh, ah, ah!
- Oh, my God!
- Ah, I'm on fire!
I'm on fire! Oh, oh!
Chad, are you okay?
In the chillest way possible,
can we call an ambulance?

There's a dog on me!

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