Chad (2021) s02e09 Episode Script

American Boy

- Mom!
- NAZ: I'm here.
Where's my little Persian princess?
Oh, shit. She's washing my shorts.
I have a very important
parental task for you.
Mom, I need you to
sign my permission slip
for the sophomore trip to Vancouver.
- What's this?
- Vancouver is a wonderful city.
You would not believe the rain.
Everything is so wet.
- I love it.
- Have you been there?
I have not, but I have
walked its streets many times
on Google Earth.
Chad must go to Vancouver.
- Mm, mm.
- You heard it here first.
Must go to Vancouver!
God damn it, he has my back.
- I love that man.
- NAZ: I'll get to it later.
I'm getting an Oreo stain
out of your cargo shorts.
Mom, it's very urgent, okay?
I need your signature on all
the lines that say "signature,"
and I need my passports to
bring to school on Friday
- for a spot check.
- A passport?
You need it for international travel.
- Pfft.
- Okay.
Um Chad, you know how me and your dad
were going back and forth
between Iran and the U.S.
- until you were 2?
- Yeah.
Dad's like me He's
a mover and a shaker.
Uh-huh. Well, we don't
have American passports.
Damn, okay. Reckless.
Well, should we head down
to the passport store,
or is this more of a Costco trip?
It takes some time. I'm
I'm working on it, but it's
a little bit complicated.
How is it complicated, Mom?
I'm an American citizen,
and I'm asking you to give
me my American passport.
Chad, sweetie, that's what
I'm trying to explain to you.
You're not an American citizen.

Great season, everyone.
I'll see you all next year.

Dude! What are you doing?!
BOY: Oh, my God.
Ferydoon eats his hot dog
like a corn on the cob!
What's corn on the cob?

Should we address the
fact that your eyes
are a completely different color?
Not unless you have a problem
with how American I look.
I know how lukewarm you are on America.
That's not true.
And what does any of that have to do
with changing your eye color?
'Cause I felt like it.
You're always going on
about "my body, my choice."
Well, guess what It's my
body, and it is my choice.
Oh, my God. You're so whitewashed.
Aww. Thank you, Niki.
That was unexpected, ya little cutie.
Let me guess You have a problem
with my American flag hoodie, as well.
I actually don't.
I think it's loud and exciting
and a little bit like,
"What is going on, though?"
Niki, you should know
our mom has been hiding
a deep, dark secret from us.
We are not U.S. citizens.
She's so pissed at you.
Chad, I was born 15
minutes down the street.
So, I actually am a U.S. citizen.
Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap.
The second one that came out of you
has a U.S. passport and I don't?
Chad, no!
Well, we have to get a guy
to fix the other one anyway!

Is there anything you
wanna say to me right now?
Thank you, Peter. You're a good kid.
Good morning, everyone.
All right, let's open up to
chapter four of our textbooks.
Do you mind if we
actually go a few chapters
further back than that?
To when we used to say
the Pledge of Allegiance
in this class every single day?
What happened to that chapter?
What's going on, Chad?
Just a little question off the dome.
Not trying to be a dick,
but flag's right there,
naked as hell, waiting
for us to worship her.
Actually, we haven't done that in years.
I believe it was a
school-board decision.
Okay. Well, the school board
can kiss my little American ass.
Chad, we're not doing this right now.
Call me crazy, but I love this country.
And I'm pretty damn proud
to be a citizen inside of it.
Chad, please.
Does anyone have a problem with me
saying the Pledge of Allegiance?
You hear that?
It's the deafening silence of support.
Does this need to happen right now?
It absolutely does.
Does anybody wanna join me, please?
Thank you, Peter.
I pledge What are you
Why are you kneeling?
I don't support police brutality.
Okay. Well, I don't
support that, either.
I pledge of allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America.
And to the Republicans for which I stan,
one God, totally invisible,
with liberty and Christianity for all.
That was pretty much it, right?
I think so. I don't remember it.
I've got a surprise for you.
Awesome. What is it?
I got all the documents sorted
for your Vancouver field trip.
You got my passport?
No, not exactly.
But something just as good.
What the hell is this?
That's everything you need to
show your teacher on Friday.
It's your resident alien paperwork.
Resident alien paperwork?
Are you kidding me?
So I-I'm not a U.S. citizen?
I'm a goddamn UFO from the planet Iran?
Yeah, I always thought
that was a poor word choice.
Mom, I have spent my
entire life grinding
to not be the foreign kid,
and you want me to waltz in
there with a beefy-ass novel
like I'm some kind
of deranged paralegal?
Honey, it's everything you
need to go across the border.
It's not about the border!
It's not about the trip!
It's about the moment in class
where everyone's gonna show
their shiny American passports,
and I'm friggin' showing up
with a filing cabinet of documentation!
I mean, half of these
pages are in Farsi!
I might as well ride
in on a magic carpet!
I'm just trying to be
a goddamn American boy,
and you want me to be freakin'
Aladdin from "Agargrabah."
I'm sorry, Chad.
I'm not Aladdin, Hamid.
I know.
You're not Aladdin.


Where am I?
Take this hot chocolate.
You're inside a moving car.
No, I-I know that, Hamid, but why?
It's pitch black on a school night.
You're such a gentle sleeper,
I didn't have the heart to wake you.
You looked like a human kitten.
Where are we going?
Bah bah!
Salam Farhad joon.
Perfect timing!
I was about to have dinner. Come on.
Dinner? It's 1:00 in the morning.

Hey, do you remember Mohsen?
Oh, I've spent more time with Mohsen
than members of my
immediate family, Farhad.
And are you guys roommates?
Is this, like, a Bert and
Ernie situation or what?
No, Mohsen's just chilling.
I have something for you.
Chad, you probably just think of Farhad
as a man who gossips
heavily and loves to clap.
I didn't know either of those things.
Come here.
Hamid, I would love to
know what's going on.
What you don't know about Farhad is,
he's a badass and a revolutionary.
Dang, Farhad's got, like,
13 different families.
Well, in a way.
He risked his life forging green cards
to help these people escape
during the revolution.
If it weren't for Farhad, most of them
would be imprisoned,
or even worse, killed.
He really did that?
Just out of the goodness of his heart?
My gosh.
Wait. Hamid, is that you?
Look at you. You were yoked.
I was one of the people he saved.
- You were?
- Yes.
And he's coming out of
retirement just for you.
Check out this bad boy.
What is it?
He made me a passport?!
You made me a passport?!
Boy, Farhad, another masterpiece.
You haven't lost your touch at all.
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.
I mean, talk about saving lives!
Hey. Before I give it to you,
I need you to look in my eye
and promise me this is just
to show your class, huh?
- Yeah, I promise.
- He's serious, Chaddy.
This is just to show your class
so you don't look like a child loser.
Yeah, I swear. I'll
only use it to fit in.
Yes, it's just for fitting in.
Fitting in! Fitting in.
- Fitting in!
- Don't do that.
- La, la-la-la, la ♪
- You guys
BOTH: Fitting in ♪
La, la-la-la la ♪
- What?
- Fitting in ♪
La, la-la-la, la, fitting in ♪
You guys, this has just
got so Persian so fast.
Alexa, play Googoosh!
ALEXA: Here's some music
by Googoosh on Amazon Music.
Wait. What are you do
Why are you getting Alexa involved?
- Eh!
- What?
There's just a lady here
now with a to-go plate?
She's Mohsen's girlfriend,
and she's a wonderful dancer!
Alexa, volume 10!
- H Volume 10
- Okay.
How many people live in this home?!

Time to flash this
puppy for the field trip.
I almost forgot mine.
Oh, crap, Ethan. Oh, my God.
Yours is all banged
up and holy shit
chock-full of stamps.
Can I have my passport back, please?
So many stamps.
If everyone can pull out their passports
and pass them up to the
front of the class
Wait. What?
W-Why are we passing them up?
I thought you were
just gonna look at them.
You guys, are we just gonna
hand over our passports
to Mr. Henderson?
Yeah, Chad. He's our teacher.
This is complete identity fraud
waiting to happen, you guys.
Chad, no one wants to steal
your identity. You're a child.
Then what the hell are
you gonna do with these?
It's a photocopy. It's not a big deal.
- It's for the consulate.
- Chad, is everything okay?
- No, I can't
I Wait, hold on. I
Really quick! I just can't.
Quick for what? Chad, let go.
Chad, I need your
passport! Do you want to go?
Do you want to go on the trip or not?
I d-o-o-o.
Thank you.
I'm going to the bathroom!

Chad, what's going on?
It's not safe in here.
We got to go in a stall.
Please tell me
Is this about your baby-blue contacts?
They don't look good on you at all.
You look like a purebred husky.
Fine. I'll take the stupid contacts out.
- Thank you.
- Ugh! God damn it!
I have Hot Cheeto dust on
my fingers, and it burns!
I'm only doing one!
Oh, God, that's so much worse.
I have some pretty hard-core
news to share with you, Peter.
I'm not a citizen of the United States.
Well, that makes sense.
You were born in Tehran,
and obtaining citizenship
does take a decent amount of time.
Well, I'm glad to see
you're taking this so well.
I've been absolutely devastated
for the last two days.
- Mm.
- Okay.
So, the point is, Hamid and Farhad
just completely made me a fake passport,
and I accidentally just turned it in.
So tell me How serious
is that, legally speaking?
Oh, my God. I think that
might actually be a felony.
Okay. But it's not like
felonies are sometimes
Like, yeah, sometimes they're bad,
but sometimes they're not bad.
Chad, you gotta get that passport back!
Stop yelling at me!
You're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- Shit!


Oh, god damn it, Peter!

- Yes, it is time.
Time for your bath.
Hamid, I did something really bad,
and I need to tell you right now.
Chaddy, it's Babak's
bath time. What's wrong?
Please put that goddamn Q-Tip down.
I tried to use the passport
for fitting in, like you said,
and then Mr. Henderson took
it, and I tried to get it back,
and then I panicked, and then, look
I ended up stealing
everyone's passports!
[GASPS] Oh, God,
that's so many more passports
than I pictured when
you said it just now.
I don't know what to do!
- I will turn myself in.
- No!
This was my idea, and,
therefore, it is my fault.
First, I will finish
Babak's Q-Tip sponge bath.
Then I will wait till
your mother gets home.
Then I will cook dinner
for everyone, obviously.
Make sure everyone eats some fesenjoon,
maybe a little sabzi polo.
Then I will drive myself right down
to the police station.
Hamid, you can't! I
won't let you do that!
Your words will not stop me.
I have to do what is right.
And who knows?
Maybe a mine like me will thrive
in the American prison system.
I love a community.
Oh, God.


Oh, my God.

I know we barely ever talk, Misha,
but you're the goddamn light of my life,
and don't you forget it!

No. No!
Shit! Shit! Shit!


Chad? What's going on? Why
did you want me to come here?
I wanted to say goodbye to you, Peter.
In the most American
place I could think of.
You didn't return the passports?
I couldn't.
Hamid was gonna turn himself
in, so I stole the passports,
and now I have to run away forever.
Probably gonna live
off the land somewhere.
I hope hunting isn't hard.
That's surprisingly selfless of you.
Hey, if they ever make a
biopic about my tragic life,
will you please make
sure someone really cool
like Dave Franco plays me?
I would actually love for
it to be him specifically.
I don't know if I'll be totally
involved in the production,
but I'll try.
I guess this is goodbye.
Where are you gonna go?
I don't know.
I'll just wander off.
Maybe even start my own little country.
Call it Chad.
There's already a
country called Chad, so
[LAUGHS] Can you imagine?
That'd be hilarious.
Chad, it's not too late to fix this.
I'll help you turn them in.
Yes, yes.
It'll be that simple, okay?
Not simple.
What does it matter, anyway?
No matter how hard I try, I'm
always gonna be seen
as Ferydoon from Iran.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I-I'm too Persian to be American,
and I'm too American to be Persian.
I'm lost!
That's not true.
You're the most American boy I know.
You're just saying that
'cause you adore me.
It doesn't matter what
it says on your passport.
You're American.
You love hot dogs, you
love watching reality TV,
you have this incredible drive
to be famous for whatever reason
I'm just tryna get that
blue checkmark by my name.
You think you're always
right even when there's
overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
You wear flip-flops on planes
Oh, and you don't trust any
salads that aren't iceberg.
My God, Peter, when
you put it like that,
I am the most American boy, huh?
I think I know what I need to do.

- MR. HENDERSON: And that's why imperialism
- I'd like permission to speak, please.
Um Mr. Henderson.
Chad, we're in the middle of a lesson.
Well, that's perfect,
'cause I have my own little
lesson for all of you.
Take a seat. [SIGHS]
I, Chad Amani,
am not a U.S. citizen.
Go ahead. Make your little insults,
sneer your little sneers.
I bet some of you think it's disgusting
I'm from a different country.
Uh, Kendall was born in England.
Cry me a river. That's
one of the white ones.
I was born in Guadalajara.
Can everyone stop talking
while I'm talking Theo?
The point is, it actually
makes me pretty damn American
to not be from America.
Yeah, I bet you don't even know this,
but some of your grandparents
are even from different kinds of places.
How's that for a mind freak?
Everybody knows that, bro.
The interruptions
have got to stop, Theo!
We We cannot just be the two
brown kids going at each other.
I simply won't do it.
It's not just boring-ass
regulars like your grandparents,
but famous people, too.
Ryan Reynolds not American.
Seth Rogen not American.
The Hemsworthseses not American.
The point is, I stole
all of your passports.
Chad, why would you do that?!
That's illegal!
I don't know.
But I'm an American boy, and
I'm gonna keep on shinin'!
U.S.A.! Come on, everybody!
[CHANTING] U.S.A.! U.S.A. Thanks, Peter!
- No, no, no, no.
Come on! U.S.A.! No.
U.S.A.! Oh, my God.
U.S.A.! U.S
Boys, all you boys ♪
Think you're so American ♪
Girls, all you girls ♪
Yeah, you're so American ♪
There's two eyes
for every one of us ♪
But somebody got there
first and took them all ♪
There's two eyes
for every one of us ♪
But somebody got there
first and took them all ♪

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