Champions (2018) s01e03 Episode Script


1 So it turns out the mysterious jock strap belongs to Mr.
Alvarez, who twist is now dead.
What? Aw, another hair-raising tale from the lost and found.
- Fun meeting.
- So I was going over the books, and our membership numbers took a dive last month.
Well, Dad always said memberships are like the tide goes up, goes down.
- No one knows why.
- Except we do know how tides work.
When people go in the ocean, it rises, like a bathtub.
No, it's because of the moon's gravity.
[LAUGHS] Okay, the moon does not have gravity.
All right? That's why 's bouncy up there.
Okay, let's not question Dad's wisdom.
The guy ran this place for decades and I doubt he ever panicked about losing a few members.
[KNOCKING] See, this is what I'm talking about.
Harrington's been a member since the '70s.
Our loyal members will keep this place afloat.
- What's good, babe? - It's the hardcore rap music - out there.
- Oh, did you want rap-rock? Slipknot, Limp Biz we got it all.
Actually, the gals and I were kinda wondering if maybe you could rotate in some Carole King.
On it, Mrs.
Alexa, play Matthew's.
"Now That's What I Call Feminism Mix.
" Matthew, I don't think that works if you don't have an Alexa.
Yeah, Mrs.
H, I'm so sorry, but we can't play any Carole King.
It's a safety issue.
You see, if I got a guy out there on the bench trying to put up two fiddy, and then "Tapestry" comes on, he might fall asleep and get crushed.
I'll just take my hearing aid out.
- Thanks anyway.
- All right, cool.
Dana, that's leadership.
Siri, get me an Alexa.
Wow, this meal was the best Asian-American fusion since my birth.
You're clearly buttering me up.
- What'd you do? - Nothing big.
I just got a D on a math test and I need you to sign it.
A D? Wow, gay kids finally gained some acceptance and suddenly you're not the smart ones anymore.
Who cares? Okay, I'm an artist, not a black woman at NASA in the '60s.
The only numbers I need to know are a five, six, seven, eight You're not "Chorus Line-ing" your way out of this one.
Look, everyone needs to know math.
What if Broadway doesn't work out? [GASPS] Wow, the claws come out now.
Look, if you truly believed in me, you wouldn't make me learn math as a fallback.
Look, no one can count on their dreams coming true.
Everyone needs a plan B.
You're getting a tutor.
Ugh! I hate school.
You moved here to go to school.
[PHONE RINGS] - You got Pasquesi.
- Hey, it's Vince Cook.
Uh, I was wondering if you could recommend a math tutor for Michael.
Oh, of course.
What type of math.
Uh, I have no idea.
Math wasn't really my thing in high school.
I was more of a cool athlete that got laid a lot.
I'm sorry, are you bragging to me about how cool you were 17 years ago? Uh, I'm just stating facts, man.
[LAUGHS] If you're impressed, that's on you.
[SIGHS] There's a tutor from MI I think would be a good fit.
He does all of his math writing on windowpanes.
And he's a steal at only $200.
- For the year? - For the hour.
[LAUGHS] Pasquesi, you tripping.
Who does that? So I figured out why our numbers are declining.
Turns out women over 40 are abandoning the gym faster than they abandoned Hillary Clinton.
- BOTH: White women.
- Wait, what? Middle-aged ladies are our best customers.
Well, I found the culprit.
An all-female gym opened up two blocks away.
- It's called Lumps.
- Okay, whatever.
I'm not gonna be bothered by some fad gym.
- Won't last.
- You also said that about red velvet cupcakes and they're still everywhere.
- I'm worried now.
- Why? Lumps isn't even a workout.
It's just a place where women sit on exercise equipment and brag about finding a good parking spot.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
An all-women's gym is fine, but if wanted to start an all-male gym, suddenly Lena Dunham's creating another hashtag about me.
From what I've read, it provides women a safe place to work out without feeling self-conscious or beholden to the male gaze.
I used to get all my exercise taking my dog Pickles on walks.
Then one day, Pickles started slowing down a little.
By the end of that walk, he was dead.
That escalated so fast.
Without Pickles, I couldn't leave the house.
In two months, I gained 100 pounds.
But then I heard about Lumps a no-impact workout for women and it saved my life.
Oh, come on.
Who's gonna fall for this manipulative nonsense? [ALL SNIFFLING] Who's walking Pickles in heaven? Do you think it's Princess Diana? Guys, listen, my dad wanted Champions to be a welcoming place to work out for men and women.
Just yesterday, I caught up with Mrs.
She has been a member for over 30 years Dana, I told you not to raise your hand.
It's weird.
Just interrupt me.
Okay, I hate to burst your bubble, but Mrs.
Harrington quit today.
- Huh? - To join Lumps.
[SIGHS] What? Guys, this is a minor hiccup, all right? We just need to ask ourselves what would Dad do? Get drunk and pray to his picture of JFK? My ears were burning.
Were you guys discussing the needs of middle-ages women? I'm an expert from observing mother.
Hey, don't call Priya middle-aged.
I'm the same age.
It's normal age.
- Everyone else is the wrong age.
- Oh, okay.
Well, here's a tip, maybe not every TV has to be playing sports.
My mom only goes to the gym to sit on a treadmill and watch Bravo.
[LAUGHS] Okay, well, I'm pretty sure gyms in New York are just a little bit different than gyms in Ohio.
Like, what's Bravo? Also, shouldn't you be doing math? Uh, I am doing the math and your business model - does not add up.
- How about we start by putting tampons in the tampon machines.
I put in a quarter and a spider came out.
If a woman's having her special time, she shouldn't be in a gym anyway.
She should be at home with a hot water bottle watching Julie Chen on "The Talk.
" - That is so sexist.
- Hey, I'm not sexist at all.
All lives matter chicks, dudes, gender confusos.
- [ALL COMPLAINING] - Okay, you know what? Champions has survived all the trends, right? Jazzercise, step aerobics, that one year everyone just did cocaine.
- Yeah, 2012! - Yeah, 1983.
Yeah, so we can change, we'll get a few customers.
But we're gonna lose our base.
Yeah, and your dad would stop new gyms from poaching our members by giving them - the old Irish hello.
- An Irish hello is that when you flash someone on St.
Patrick's Day? What? Dude, it's when you go visit a new gym owner and you agree not to steal customers.
We're gonna do that.
So you're not gonna change anything about the gym.
Yeah, Vince, I mean, why not just try a few female-friendly upgrades.
Matthew, Vince has made up his mind.
- Thank you.
- We are dropping everything and we are going to Lumps.
Let me just grab my pashmina and I'll be right there.
No, Matthew and I are gonna be going, okay? You have math to do and you're not gonna go anywhere until you are a beautiful mind.
Uh the movie that took the Oscar from "Moulin Rouge!"? - How dare you.
- Okay.
Dana, come on.
So Dana, you've been asking for a raise for a couple weeks now.
And you're giving it to me? Vince, this is amazing.
My boyfriend Asher and I have been trying to move in together.
He's an aspiring screenwriter and he needs an extra bedroom to be alone with his characters.
Oh, I forgot you have a boyfriend.
You just look so single.
Excuse me? Name one thing about me that makes me look single.
Oh, easy.
Your cardigans, your close-toed shoes Oh, the way you always bring a salad from home.
I don't always bring a salad from home.
Sometimes they are leftovers from a restaurant.
[LAUGHS] Just tell me how much my raise is.
Well, it's actually, uh it's better than a raise.
Okay? Because you're gonna be earning it by working more tutoring an at-risk minority youth.
Oh, no.
I have to teach your kid math? Oh, no.
I have to do math with this nobody? I'm I'm sorry, just a second ago you desperately needed money to move in with Asher.
Or is his unemployment more lucrative than we thought? Forget it.
I will teach your kid math.
Um, eight bucks an hour? And you're gonna have to show me how to deduct that off my taxes.
"[CAROLE KING'S" I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE] I feel the Earth move [ENTRY DOOR BELL DINGS] Under my feet Look at all the quotes on the wall.
"Every Mother is Also a Daughter," Tyne Daly.
It's like living in Mom's Facebook page.
Why doesn't Champions have quotes on the walls? We do.
"No Spitting on the Treadmill," Vince Cook.
Maureen, Code Blue.
There's a him in the gym.
Oh, you know what? It's okay.
It's under control.
And you know, why don't you move to the next station? I think you're ready to move up to half-pound weights.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, you go.
Oh, hi.
So you must be the Champions boys.
- Hi, I'm Maureen.
- Hi.
I'm Lumps' tri-state area manager.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Why don't we go to my office and we can chat? Come on, sweethearts.
Let's go.
So in a right triangle, the square of the hypotenuse is equivalent to the sum of the squares of the short sides.
[SIGHS] Dana, come on.
Okay, let's just ease into this with a little chit chat.
Tell me about Asher.
Are you going to get married? You're like 50, right? [CHUCKLES] Why is everyone obsessed with Asher and I getting married? You, my mom, Asher's ex.
It's perfectly normal to date someone for 12 years.
Are you a freshman at Berkeley? Because you protest too much.
Are you a freshman in high school? Because you are four feet tall and about to get beat up.
I admire what you do here, Maureen.
For a woman of your age to run this place, it's a heartwarming success story and you should be proud of yourself.
But, uh and the problem is you've been poaching some of our clients and you probably don't even mean to, but that's just not how we do things - in this neighborhood.
- Uh-huh.
Do you know what capitalism is? - Of course.
- Yeah.
It's when you press shift on the keyboard to make the letter big.
It's survival of the fittest but in business.
Your members are leaving because I offer a better product for a better price.
Poaching? No, that's what I do in Africa on my vacations with my much younger husband.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, no this isn't about business, okay, or price points.
This is America and capitalism doesn't apply to mom and pops.
Mom and pop.
That's an interesting term, isn't it? One can almost say it's a folksy way of describing a business that's not successful enough to franchise.
Lady, we're very successful.
We just successfully fought off a rat infestation, - so - You did? Okay, you know what? Here's what's going on: You think because I'm a 63-year-old woman in a blush-colored velour track suit that you can tell me what to do.
- Yeah.
Is that okay? - No.
And now I'm gonna offer every woman at Champions a free one-month membership.
'Cause I feel so bad for them.
You know what? Screw it.
A year membership.
[LAUGHS] Hey, that's not fair.
You know we can't compete with that.
Yeah, our dad died when we were young ish.
- Feel bad for us! - You know what? Time is up and I've gotta go.
I have a very important appointment.
So the old Irish hello backfired and Lumps has declared war.
We need female members now.
Yeah, we gotta just grab 'em off the street.
Should we get a van? How about we just try to make Champions more female-friendly? Like, maybe no ugly pervs in my yoga class? Britney! Ugly pervs is all we've got left.
Look, I got a two-prong plan.
PRONG ONE: Britney, Shabaz, Matthew, I need you to recruit every middle-aged woman in Brooklyn into a long-term contract before Lumps finds them.
And how, pray tell, are we supposed to - get these women to suddenly join up? - I don't know! Give 'em a free t-shirt.
Tell 'em they can control the thermostat.
I'll tell you where you can find older women.
Yankee Candle, the return line at Kohl's, matinees for the new Nancy Meyers movie, "She Can't Even.
" - Should I continue? - Michael, I told you I got this, and what are you doing here? - Where's Dana? - Sorry, sorry.
I took a call from Asher and then when I came back he was gone.
- I thought I locked the door.
- You didn't lock the air vent, sweetie.
Okay, prong two: infiltration.
We go under cover to find out their secrets.
So we just need to send in our best actor.
Well, uh, thank you for the opportunity.
This is the role of a lifetime.
- And I accept.
- I'll do it.
I went undercover for years as an all-state hammer thrower who wasn't on steroids.
[CLAPS] Ruby, you are hired.
Let's get to work.
And with any luck, we're about to take down the neighborhood safe space for women.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Come on! [SIGHS] I thought I had that one.
I asked you to define acute and you wrote, "Jake Gyllenhaal circa 1999.
" Watch "October Sky" and then tell me I'm wrong.
- [SCOFFS] "Hey, canceled the realtor.
Not sure I'm ready to move in together.
Cool?" Oh, Dana.
I'm so sorry.
It's not that bad, right? I don't wanna pass judgment without knowing all the facts.
Tell me everything.
Fine, okay.
Um, I had to cosign for his car.
It's just really expensive and I was the only one that had credit, so - That's horrible.
- Yeah.
Go on.
So what brings you in here, hm? Are you one of the many women in the neighborhood - disenchanted with Champions? - Yes, I am a heterosexual mother who needs to get in shape because my male husband no longer finds me alluring.
Darling, your husband sounds like a grade A fool.
Oh, he is.
Always burping and scratching his butt, reading my "Playboys.
" Well, here, there are no husbands.
Just a strong group of women in comfortable jeans - I can't wait for you to meet them.
- Cool! You know, we can talk about, um uh, nail polish or Josh Groban.
He is the only male artist that we play in here.
What? [LAUGHS] That's crazy.
I know.
Listen, let's get your paperwork started.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC] It goes on and on And it's on and on and it's on and on What it do? And it's on and on And it's on and on On and on What it do It goes on and on And it's on and on And it's on and on Where are the new clients? Ohh! I knew I was forgetting something.
These candles are so great.
One of them smelled so good, I bit it.
It goes on and on and it's on and on [SIGHS] I've been working out for two hours, and I haven't even broken a sweat.
- Great job, Ruby.
- No! Terrible job.
Okay, Ruby.
How are you enjoying - your first week at Lumps? - This place stoinks.
I'm not getting the body I want.
Maybe some other gyms have a more satisfying workout - with a cool local flare.
- You know, I remember that frustration, being obsessed about what the magazines told me to look like.
I guess I do feel like crap after I read.
"Russian Weight Lifters Monthly.
" I could never squat a school bus.
No, maybe the weight you actually need to lift is off your shoulders.
Take a look.
Can you read that for me? "I'm perfect.
" Now for the people in the cheap seats.
"I'm perfect!" [GASPS] Whoa.
- That's about me.
- Yes.
- I'm perfect.
I'm perfect! - [ALL ENCOURAGING] Do you hear that, bitches? I'm perfect! - I win! You lose! - Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
We're all perfect We're all perfect.
- Oh.
- Okay, you know what? We had a breakthrough and you know what that means.
- Massage train! - [ALL CHEERING] All right! [LAUGHS] Vince, sorry to interrupt, but you have to watch this video.
I At my old gym, I was just so angry all the time.
The people I surrounded myself with were for lack of a better word losers.
[SCOFFS] Think she could've found a better word? Scrappy underdogs? Working poor? - [ALL SHUSHING] - But ever since I've been coming to Lumps, I've found peace.
With the support of the gals here, I feel like the goddess I always dreamed of being, which is why I'm not only a member of Lumps, I'm now a trainer.
What are we gonna do? Ruby was the heart and soul and pecs of this place.
I thought Ruby loved our aggro environment.
Vince, I've been telling you, this place has been getting a little too intense.
Too intense?! Okay, I don't see that at all.
Okay, everybody shut up! Asher? What are you doing here? I'm looking for Michael Patel.
I'm gonna kick his ass.
That's Michael? This guy's trying to steal my boo? He's straight-up Stewart Little.
Oh, honey.
The only things I steal are scenes.
What exactly gave you the impression that Dana was cheating on you with a gay teenager? Well, she was always texting me, "Michael says my outfit looks fierce.
" "Michael thinks I should break up with you.
" Hair flip emoji and now that I'm saying it, I missed some clues.
Well, Dana should break up with you.
You say you wanna move in, then you don't.
You're hot, then you're cold.
You're yes, then you're no.
Sorry, I didn't think we should move in together unless we were gonna get married.
And then I thought about losing you and our shared HBO NOW account and I realized I do wanna live with you.
Wait, but if you only wanna live with someone that you're gonna marry and you wanna move in with me then Then by the transitive property, you wanna marry Dana someday? [GASPS] Oh, my God.
I know math now.
That's so great.
Now Michael can be our accountant and we can fire Dana.
Wait, Asher, is that true? Do you wanna marry me? Sure, sure.
We could definitely talk about that.
Or maybe we shouldn't.
But, hey! We can wrestle with it.
- Yes.
- Yeah, maybe somewhere that's not the floor of an all-male gym? All-male gym? There's women here.
Open your eyes, dude.
No, man.
It's all dudes.
It's like a Congressional panel for women's health out there.
Come one, babe.
Let's go.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
I read that on an ad for chunky peanut butter.
Upstairs, now.
Michael, you're not supposed to be trying to fix Dana's many, many relationship problems.
You're supposed to be learning math.
Why do I have to care about math? I should be spending that time on useful classes like stage combat or award season networking.
How is your school accredited? [SIGHS] Every time you tell me I need to work harder on math, I hear, "I don't believe in my son's talent.
" Hey, look, you're so talented.
And I was talented at baseball, but then life threw me a curveball.
- You see, a curveball - Yeah, I know.
It's a pitch that's hard to hit.
I'm gay, not foreign.
Luckily, my dad made me focus on school, so that when baseball didn't work out, - I had the skills to run the gym.
- Hm.
That's interesting.
'Cause you're terrible at running the gym.
[SCOFFS] Terrible at running the gym? Come on, that's not fair.
Okay, he's average at running the gym.
Champions is a symptom of our society's complete rejection of women over 40.
If it weren't for gay men, older women would be - marched to their deaths.
- That's a little dramatic.
Oh, really? What was the last Judi Dench movie you've seen her in? - "Harry Potter.
" - Uh she is literally the only British person not in a "Harry Potter" movie.
You are so obsessed with doing everything your dad's way.
But would your dad want the gym to close? Yeah, Michael's right.
Dad didn't always fear change.
Remember that one summer he watched "Roots" and realized we need to find some black members so we could talk about "Roots" with someone.
Yeah, I'd forgotten he did that.
And it explains the shirtless photo of the "Reading Rainbow" guy on the wall in our gym.
- Mm.
- Okay, so maybe Champions could use some change.
And maybe you could help.
I mean, I wouldn't even know where to start.
Tear down all the walls.
Glass everywhere.
We don't open until midnight.
Calvin Harris DJs.
We have no sign.
Our address constantly changes.
- Stripper poles.
- Yeah.
This is gonna be great.
Hey, guys, listen up.
I made a few changes around here to make Champions a little more female friendly.
For instance, Britney, I filled the tampon machine with tampons.
Thank you for doing the bare minimum.
- It is more than I expected.
- That's not all.
Also added some all-female classes to the schedule.
Cardi B cardio is a go.
- Cardi B? Really? - Yeah.
Thank you.
And don't worry, I'll use the censored version of her music though it is more bleep than song.
- Yeah.
- Actually, most of these were Michael's ideas.
So we now have a TV that is dedicated solely to "SVU" reruns.
How's it going, Mrs.
H? Welcome back.
My niece was the body in this one.
Oh, cool.
Hey, everybody.
I, uh finished my undercover mission.
Yeah, nice try.
We saw your testimonial.
You loved it there.
No, I went in too deep.
Like Donnie Brasco.
Some days I'd wake up and not even know who I was.
So why'd they kick you out? [SIGHS] I told Maureen to pull my finger.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll just put it this way: she pulled too hard.
But you know what? One thing I will thank those soccer moms for is giving me a sense of confidence.
You're the most confident person I've ever met.
[LAUGHS] You guys ain't seen nothin' yet.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go shake some snacks out of the vending machine.
Any orders? No? Okay.
- Oh, "SVU.
" Sweet.
- Yeah.
More like Mariska Hardbody.
- All right, cool, thanks.
- Okay.
Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think you tutoring Michael's working out.
That's too bad.
He was really keeping Asher on his toes.
Last night he brought me a dozen carnations and left the price tag on.
- $7.
- Whoo.
Not bad.
Uh, so here's what I was thinking.
Uh, I pay you to teach me math then I teach Michael.
As long as I'm still getting paid.
Okay, so, um, beginner's geometry.
Seems pretty easy.
It's just, like, naming shapes and stuff, right? Circles, squares, what not.
Um, actually, we're doing Pythagorean theorem.
So it's A squared plus B squared equals C squared.
That sounds pretty hard.
So I'm just gonna tell Michael to cheat.
- Cool? - Uh, you know what? Let's just ease back into it.
Let's sit down and maybe you wanna just go back to naming some shapes.
- I can name shapes.
- All right.
- I know shapes.
- Okay.
Rectangles, star, - snowman.
- Well - Oh! Triangle.
- Yes.
Um, hexagon, octagon [CAROLE KING'S "IT'S TOO LATE"] decathlon, diamond, rhombus, six-point star, spiral, cube, um, acute triangle.