Champions (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

My Fair Uncle

1 Vincent, Matthew, thank you so much for coming in - on such short notice.
- Let me stop you right there.
We know why you called us in.
This is a fancy-shmancy school, and tuition alone isn't gonna keep Daddy in his wood-paneled office.
No, this isn't a meeting.
It's a shakedown.
Yeah, well, joke's on you 'cause we don't have any money.
- Nope.
- [laughing] What's up? I know.
Your son's on a full scholarship, and you steal toilet paper every time you come here.
Thanks.
The reason I called you in is because Michael wrote an English essay that, frankly, we all found a little troubling.
The assignment was for Michael to describe his morning routine and You know what? Why don't you just read it for yourselves? [sighs] My morning ritual by Michael Patel.
Each morning begins the same.
First, I take in the headlines from my most trusted news source Snapchat.
Second, I tweet "good morning" at Rihanna.
And, finally, I wait to see what kind of woman my father, Vince, brought home the night before.
I've never met so many different kinds of women bartenders, meter maids, frozen-yogurt cashiers, even an antelope from "Lion King.
" [upbeat hip-hop music] Each morning is like a new episode of "The Bachelor," except Vince likes diversity.
Okay, so what's the problem? I come off pretty good in that.
I think what w what we're concerned about is one of our students being exposed to such a display of wanton sexual excess.
[stammers] "Sexual excess"? No, no, no.
What I have are appropriate, loving relations between two people who are on dating apps after 11:00 p.
m.
Dean, I am so sorry for my brother's what is the word horniness.
I promise, as long as Michael's living with us, - Vince and I will not date.
- Wait.
Vince, let's go.
[upbeat music] - Matthew, I agreed to raise my son, not take a vow of celibacy, okay? Nobody wants a nerd for a dad.
You can't play catch with a dictionary.
But Michael says Priya never dated.
According to Facebook, she's only ever been in a relationship with pizza bites.
Okay, it's easier for women not to date.
After they give birth, their sexuality turns off so they can focus on raising their offspring.
Did you never listen to Dad's lectures? Oh, yeah, sure I did.
He also made us memorize which countries were sneakiest.
So the lectures weren't all great.
But honestly, the part that I find most unfair about all this is that your whole life's been a hot streak.
- What are you talking about? - Excuse me.
You look tired.
- Would you like my seat? - He's fine, thank you.
I wasn't talking to you, Al Franken.
See? Women have thrown themselves at you since you were born.
Three different nurses tried to steal you from the hospital.
And now word's out there that I am a single, responsible father.
And I am on fire.
Please do not take that from me.
I'm sorry, but raising a child is gonna require sacrifices from both of us.
For instance I don't think I'm cultured enough for Michael.
I never get any of his references, so I made flash cards.
- What? - "Fifth Harmony.
" "Rooney Mara.
" "Yaaaaaaaaaaas!" That one means "yes.
" As in, "Can we both stop dating for Michael's sake?" Yaaaaaaaaaas!" Hey, just FYI, I let a guy in your office.
Why did you let a guy into my office? Because he's really good-looking and confident.
Just the sort of charismatic, take-charge kind of guy we don't have around here.
[rock music playing] - Oh, it's Ro.
- [chuckles] Vincent, what's up? Ruby, this is Priya's little brother, Ro.
Short for Rohit.
Wow.
You have great energy.
Has anyone ever told you that? No, but I have been told I remind people of a wrecking ball.
Man, I have never touched such an expensive watch before.
It's not my Patek Philippe, but it suits the occasion.
Yeah, I got a cool watch, too.
It's a Timex.
Could wear it out, wear it to work.
It's water resistant up to 3 meters, so I can go swimming with it if I wanted to.
Yeah, but you'd have to learn how to swim.
This guy, terrified of water.
He was sent home from summer camp 'cause he wouldn't go in the lake.
Yeah, you don't know what's out there, okay? Like, what if water went up your butt.
Yuck! Gah, I'm gonna go.
Bye, Ro.
[sighs] Okay.
So, Ro, how you been, buddy? I haven't talked to you since high school, but I think Priya told me you were a gardener or something? [laughs] Not like a gardener.
I run a hedge fund.
I actually made so much money I had to change citizenship.
I'm from the Cayman Islands now.
- That's cool.
- Oh, hey weren't you suppose to play baseball? Um, yeah, you know, I I mean, I-I thought about it, but the whole MLB thing is just a little too showy for me.
Right.
Plus, you have to be, like, really good at baseball to do that.
- Yeah.
- Isn't it funny? Like, in some ways, I'm living the life - you were supposed have.
- I disagree, you know.
- I love my life.
- [bangs on window] Hey! You need to plunge the toilet.
People are starting to pass out.
- [chuckles] - You were saying.
Now that the Cooks and the Patels are one big giant family, I thought it'd be nice if you, Matthew, and Michael joined me at this hot, new French restaurant - that I invested in downtown - Okay.
- L'Trine.
- That's Leonardo DiCaprio's favorite place to stumble out of.
Leo's crazy, but he's such a loyal guy, you know? It's pretty fancy, so let me know if you need a jacket or socks or a haircut.
Okay.
I have a jacket.
I've been to court.
But, you know, Michael just moved here.
I think these are delicate times, and I don't want to overwhelm him with random relatives just showing up out of nowhere.
Okay, I've known him since he was a baby.
If anything, you're the random relative showing up out of nowhere.
Well, it's not the quantity of time, it's the quality.
- What's his middle name? - Um - Mahatma.
- No, it's Prashant.
Right, yes, of course.
No, I know.
Look, let Michael know and let him decide.
Fine, I will.
Let me see you out.
Okay, I don't think this place is fancy enough to be "seen out of.
" I'm fine.
Thanks.
Hey, Dana.
We're gonna need new plunger.
Also, I might need a tetanus shot.
The plunger's bought, and the free clinic is expecting you.
- Oh, you're reading "Gone Girl.
" - Mm-hmm.
Can you believe she kidnapped herself? Haven't gotten to that part yet.
Oh.
Huge plot twist.
You're gonna love it.
Thanks.
Hey! Vince, I just heard the news.
Oh, that I fixed the toilet? Yeah.
Wasn't easy, but she's good to go.
- Let 'er rip.
- No.
The news that you have a son that you're raising by yourself.
- Yeah.
- I love kids.
I just don't want to put my body through a pregnancy.
Wow.
Yeah, Stevia, we've never really talked before.
You always get an important phone call when I approach.
That is because I thought you were one of those creeps that just buys a gym so he can see women stretching.
Now I realize you're a good guy who just really cares about flexibility.
- Yeah.
- Would [laughs] Would you want to go out some time? Uh [laughs awkwardly] Uh Sorry, I'm not available this weekend.
My brother and I have agreed not to date until 2028.
Wow.
I have literally never been rejected before.
- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
- I love it.
[door bells jingle] So, Michael, I was paid a slightly annoying visit by your uncle today.
Mm, okay, I didn't think it was annoying.
All I did was pop my head in your office, I said, "Dilly dilly," and then I left.
No, your Uncle Ro, your mom's brother rich, handsome, no kid, no gym, huge loser.
- Wait.
Uncle Ro is here? - Yeah, well [chuckles dully] He invited us to dinner at this slop shop that he owns called L'Trine.
- Pass, right? - Are you kidding? He owns L'Trine? [scoffs] The VIP section can only be unlocked with the head of an Oscar statue.
I don't know Uncle Ro, Uncle Matthew do you really need that many uncles? One nephew is plenty for me.
Ro's not just an uncle.
He's like the family celebrity.
He just takes over a room when he enters.
Oh, you mean like pop-music sensation - Demi Lova-toe? - What? No, Demi Lovato's notoriously shy.
- I thought everyone knew that.
- No, I know.
I knew that.
Well, don't you have homework to do? Everyone certainly had some thoughts on your morning-routine essay.
Just a report on Lerner and Loewe.
You know who that is, right? Yeah, duh, I know who he, she, or or they are.
Great! So you can help me.
I can't believe we're going to L'Trine.
I have to pick out an outfit from Barney's.
- [laughs] - But if it's too expensive, I can ask Uncle Ro to pay for it.
- No, mm-mm.
- No.
- I can cover that.
- [Velcro rips] What do you got? I've got $50, $64.
- I got one $2 bill.
- Okay, that's To be perfectly honest, I wasn't fully sold on New York until I saw this staircase.
[Gasps] The crystal work on that chandelee-a is exquisite.
[chuckles] Oh! Whoa.
This place is even fancier than I thought.
The plates are iPads.
Yeah, I guess it's nice, but in, like, a really obvious way.
I prefer an old-world elegance.
No way this place has Crazy Bread.
Well, I'm glad I whitened my teeth for this.
Sure, my gums are burning and bleeding a little bit, but it was worth it.
Uncle Ro, over here.
[chuckling] Hey, Michael.
What's up, man? Hey, you remember that handshake LeBron taught us, right? Oh, yeah.
Give it to me.
Pose.
- What's up, guys? - both: Hey, Ro.
[gasping] $100? These guys don't even give me an allowance.
- We don't want to spoil him.
- Yeah, and we're too poor.
[scoffs] Well, as they say, no man is poor who has friends.
Am I right? Come on, buddy, let's go.
How long have I been begging for a family handshake? How long? This place is amazing.
I found a diamond in my risotto.
So how are you two enjoying your meals? These chicken fingers are actually pretty dope.
Thanks for letting me order off the Li'l Tycoons menu.
My mouth's bleeding too much for me to taste anything but my own blood.
Gentlemen, how about a toast, huh? To Vincent and Matthew, for raising my sister's son.
Obviously, I could never do it with all the responsibility of my job, so - my hat's off to you.
- And a toast to you, Ro, for, uh - Um, for - Treating us to best meal we've ever had.
[Chuckles] Mm-hmm.
[cell phone vibrates] [cell phone vibrates] So I must be honest.
I didn't just invite you guys here so Matthew could steal the sugar packets for home.
Oh, they're not for home.
I feed these to police horses.
[under breath] Oh, my God.
Anyway, I was hoping I could take Michael for one weekend a month, starting with this weekend.
I have house seats to "Mean Girls" on Broadway, but only if you're interested in musical theater and strong female voices, so [silverware clatters] Those are my favorite things! I am sorry, but no one's ever been so dialed into my essence before.
Well, unfortunately, that's actually not gonna work, because we already have plans this weekend.
Really? I, uh, bought 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle.
It's a field of wheat.
It's impossible, so Come on, Vince, you're his father.
Let me take Michael this weekend.
Well, you know what? - It might not be a bad idea.
- What? Ugh.
What's with the attitude? It's unisex.
- Please.
- What are you thinking? You can't let Ro take Michael for a whole weekend.
He's so into him just from tonight.
Another two days, he'll want to move in with him.
I know, I know, okay? But Michael loves Broadway.
And we could never afford tickets to "Mean Girls.
" The only theater we can take him to is the painted silver guy in Times Square.
- And we don't even tip him.
- I don't get it.
You just changed your mind so fast.
What? No, no.
No, no, I felt this way for a while.
And you know what? The more time anyone spends with Ro, the more they dislike him.
By the end of the weekend, Michael will be begging for us to come pick him up, all right? It's like making a kid smoke an entire pack of cigarettes.
Dad did that, and we were both addicted for ten years.
But maybe you're right.
Maybe Michael will find him more annoying with time.
I know I do.
Did you see the way he glared at me when I spilled that bottle of wine everywhere? I mean, come on, it's old.
It was from 1952.
Mm-hmm.
[clears throat] So we talked it over, and you can go.
Thank you so much I promise I will record the entire thing on my phone.
- You're welcome.
- I'm gonna go get our coats.
Cool.
[mischievous music] [upbeat music] Well, I dropped Michael off with Ro.
We both cried.
Or rather, I cried enough for the both of us.
Wait.
What are you doing back? You always go out on the weekend.
That was before we agreed to stop dating people.
Right, yeah, 'cause we are not dating.
- Hey, guys.
- Ruby? Check it this Korean place gave me a butt load of raw meat they didn't want.
Fire up the microwave.
[chuckles dully] So you're both - hanging out here.
- All night.
We're bingeing the entire Lerner and Loewe catalog, so I can help Michael with his report.
First up, "Paint Your Wagon.
" [microwave beeping] Clint Eastwood stars in a lighthearted tale about the buying and selling of women.
I'm not a musical-theater buff, but if Dirty Harry's in it and Rob Lowe wrote it, paint me interested.
Uh, yeah.
[Chuckles dully, groans] [cell phone vibrates] Dingdong.
Hey, Vince.
Hey, Stevia.
Stevia? Wait.
This is why you let Ro take Michael? You traded your son for a night of passion.
This is so not - Lit.
- Okay.
I imagine Michael will be the only one having a worse night than me tonight.
This is the best night of my life! My God, "Mean Girls" was so good.
Even Vince would think it was fetch.
Maybe I should text him just to check in.
[laughs] I'm impressed you have any battery left after all the flash photos you took during the show.
But look, make it quick, okay? I have one big surprise for you.
You're my real dad, my mom is my aunt, and Huma Abedin is my real mom? Sadly, no.
Huma and I could never make it work, but I was able to get us a private after-hours tour of the M&M Store in Times Square.
What? No.
It's too much.
Wait.
Who's gonna be the tour guide? - No, don't tell me! Is it - Yep.
The green one.
Oh! Finally.
I'm seeing the real New York.
I don't know if Eliza's ready for the Embassy Ball.
Her accent is all over the place, to say nothing of her temper.
[movie stops playing] What? You don't think Michael's having a better time - with Ro than if he was here, do you? - Oh, I definitely think Michael is having a better time, but I have bigger things to worry about, like if Audrey Hepburn's tiny neck is gonna snap underneath the weight of that hat.
[scoffs] Before we go any further, I have something really important to ask you.
- Sure.
- Do you believe in fairies? I have a friend who went to England and saw one.
Apparently they look like little dots of light, but up close, it's like a bug.
Sounds like a lightning bug.
Have you ever seen a lightning bug? Yeah.
That was a fairy.
Oh, my God, tell me everything.
- I was 12.
Um - Oh.
You know, I was not looking forward to tonight, but it turns out Leroy and Loaf can really weave a tale.
[sighs] I was too distracted to pay attention.
I just keep wondering, if Ro's so great, why didn't Priya ask him to take Michael? Uh, 'cause Vince is the dad and he has rights? Didn't you read Alec Baldwin's book? [sighs] You know I did! The part where he gets cast in "Working Girl" made me cry.
It's just that Priya hates Vince and never once mentioned Ro.
There's only one thing left to do.
Watch "Gig-y" and forget about this - 'cause it's boring.
- No.
I'm calling Priya.
And everything you can see on the ground - just falls away - [sighs] until it disappears.
[cell phone vibrates] How old are you, Sassenach? I failed to ask.
[television shuts off] - Hello? - Hey, Priya, it's Matthew Michael's uncle/best friend.
I'm watching "Outlander," Matthew! Come on! They're going across a heath.
Sorry to bother you on a Saturday night, but why did you ask Michael to live with us and not Ro? Two reasons Alec Baldwin's book convinced me of dad's rights, and two, because my brother is a drug addict.
Last time he came to visit, I took him to the nursing home where I work.
I caught him drinking a morphine drip like a friggin' Capri Sun.
Wait.
You didn't let him see Michael, did you? Uh Uh, no.
No, no, no, Michael Michael is here with me right now.
[whispering] Where? [silently] Please.
[child voice] Hi, Mom! I love you.
I love being Indian.
Yay, musicals.
Oh, sweetie, it's so good to hear your voice.
- I love you, too, and I - [cell phone beeps] - [line clicks] - Hello? Hello? Ro, your place is amazing.
It's like if Saddam Hussein had taste.
Hey! You want something to drink? I got juice, soda, discontinued energy drinks from Korea North Korea.
No, thanks, that 64-ounce Big Gulp you gave me was more than enough.
Can I just use the bathroom? Cool.
So, hey, listen while you're in there, you mind dropping a quick little splash in here for me? This has your name on it.
Right, but it'll have your pee in it.
- Isn't that funny? - No.
It's weird.
Wait.
Is this for a drug test? Oh, my God.
Do you do drugs? But you're not a mom with a back injury.
It's not what you think.
My job is really stressful, and I always need to be sharp.
So don't think of it as drugs.
Think of it as coffee you drink with your nose.
So the only reason you wanted me here was to get my pee? Were those even your real tears when Tina Fey came out and sang the finale? You're my nephew, and I love you.
And I had a great time with you tonight.
And we can keep having great times as long as you keep peeing in that cup for me every two weeks.
Next time we could even see "Hello, Dolly.
" With Bernadette Peters or Donna Murphy? Vince! We need to talk to you.
- What the hell? - Ro's a drug addict.
What? He is? Yes! I knew I was better than Ro.
He has an addiction? I'm just disappointing.
So good.
Oh, my God, I had my phone on silent.
Michael texted me, like, a million times with slam effect.
- We got to go get him.
- Uh, you're leaving? Uh, look, it's just gonna be, like, five hours, tops.
Just, uh, hang tight.
Powerade's in the fridge.
Help yourself to my cheaper beers.
[sighs] Look, I'm sorry, this this isn't gonna work.
I got to go get my son.
- [banging on door] - Open up, Ro! We know you're in there, and we know why you're so fun! - Right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, guys, what are you doing here? You know, I'd invite you in, but, uh [whispering] Michael's already asleep.
So whoever said it's exhausting being poor has never been rich.
We want our precious baby boy back! Priya told us you're a drug addict.
Which we can all agree is a lot worse than not knowing how to swim.
And you call yourself an uncle.
I wouldn't expect this from a second cousin! Guys, come on.
We're all adults here.
We all do stuff to take the edge off, right? You do it with exercise.
You do it with screaming.
You do it with chronic masturbation? [yells] It prevents prostate cancer.
Michael! Michael.
Where is he? Matthew, check the cabinets.
He's tiny.
Oh.
Guys, guys he's live-tweeting from the bathroom.
- Hey.
- Oh, thank God you're here.
When you didn't respond to my texts, I thought you were doing that weird old-person thing where you turn your phone off at night.
Ro wanted my pee to pass a drug test.
What? No.
I wanted to test Michael for drugs.
The way he was dancing in the aisles at "Mean Girls," I thought he was on something.
As someone who was popular in high school, I know for a fact that no one would ever sell drugs to Michael.
He has no money, and he looks like a narc.
Are you sure? I'd like five drugs, please.
Every time I see you perform, I realize Meryl Streep is trash.
[sighs] And to think I was jealous of your life, Ro.
But after tonight, I'm only jealous of parts of it.
Like, I will for sure hit you up for a reservation at L'Trine, but we can deal with that over email.
Peace.
I'm keeping the jacket and the gold toothbrush I found in the bathroom.
You know, Ro, I thought you were cool, and you really let me down.
I don't know a lot of Indian people, so this will really affect my opinion of all of them.
You know, if you think about it, Ro's a lot like the evil villain in "My Fair Lady" Eliza Doolittle, a woman pretending to be someone she's not.
Oh, my God.
That is such a subversive take.
I'm going to tweet that.
I've never thought of a tweet before.
Thank you.
Hey, Michael, listen, um before you lived with us, we were pretty active socially.
Well, you weren't really, but Matthew definitely was.
Anyway, the point is, I'm sorry I missed your texts.
I was distracted, and I shouldn't have been.
So I'm just gonna pump the brakes on dating for a little bit.
Really? So no more parade of women leaving the house every morning? I got plenty of time to date, and you're only gonna be a teenager for a few more years.
Excuse me, young man, you remind me of Montgomery Clift.
Could you spare a kiss? - Sure, why not? - [giggles] Oh.
Oh! Ow.
Get your fat foot out of the way.
Hey, that girl Stevia dropped this off for you.
It's a magazine quiz.
"How to know if someone's bad in bed before you sleep with them.
" - What? - Ah, you can do better.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Oh, uh, I almost forgot the other reason - why I came in here.
- Right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
- Yep.
- Thank you.
Good balance, sturdy handle.
This baby's top shelf.
We gonna do some damage.