Champions (2018) s01e09 Episode Script
Opening Night
1 All right.
Big Day.
Michael, how's the musical coming? Dean Pasquesi said it needs a better opening line.
Currently it's just exposition.
I need $2 million in pyrotechnics.
But that's the least of my problems.
I have to give a speech opening night.
And I'm not even getting an award! But you love talking to people.
You spent ten minutes berating that man on the subway for wearing pleated pants.
That was an emergency.
Plus, now I have time to think and I'm in my head.
Do I thank my friends or do I gloat to my enemies? Do I wear a polka-dot ribbon for acne awareness? Relax.
I got a great ches book.
A little "Four score," a little "I'ma let you finish," you good.
So, Matthew, you ready to give the staff their performance reviews? Oh, yeah.
I just hope I'm tough enough.
It hurts to furrow my brow.
You really can't help? No, I'm busy trying to hire a new trainer.
Hey it's 7:00.
We gotta go, go, go.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Your Postmates is here.
You guys aren't busy, right? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Mom.
- Hi.
- Oh my gosh.
What are you doing here? Like I would miss your big premiere.
Also, the "cozy" Airbnb I booked, turned out to be a toilet at Port Authority.
But I'm gonna stay here.
Ah! - What? - Yay! Uh, stay here? We already use our dish washer as a closet.
Also we don't want to mess with.
Michael's sleep schedule this close to opening night.
Yeah, without his 14 hours, he won't have the energy he needs to scream at his cast.
But I haven't seen my mom in so long.
There have been four new cities of housewives since I last saw her.
Aleppo is lit.
Yeah, plus, you know, it'd be really good for us to catch up.
- Ooh.
- Maybe discuss Michael.
And you guys could tell me all the nice things - you say about me behind my back.
- Okay, fine.
But we got a lot going on around here.
So, at least try and stay out of the way.
Of course.
I will be a ghost.
You will never notice I'm here.
Matthew, I need you to wash all the clothes in my suitcase 'cause they're dirty.
- Ah! I get to show you my room.
- Please.
So, Leora, can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? Maybe some personal space? You'd primarily be helping me with my Cardi B cardio class load.
How do you handle taking directions from a woman? I am a woman.
[CLICKS PEN.]
Not well.
[PHONE VIBRATING.]
- Excuse me.
Hey, I'm picking up Michael from school.
Your apartment's boring.
So, did you want to talk about my resume or my qualifications? Uh, yeah, mm-hmm, totally.
Yep, sorry.
That's surprisingly helpful.
Make him write his opening night speech.
I got a question.
You're not one of them snobby.
NPR-types that's gonna get offended if I call you by the wrong name or back into your car? Oh, I actually walk to work.
It's part of my commitment to fitness and the environment.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
- [SIGHS.]
No.
We're going to a cat café where everyone is mean to you.
Michael says you never let him do anything spontaneous.
Because there is a time and place for spontaneity.
[TEXT MESSAGE SWOOPS.]
[SIGHS.]
Don't take it personally.
He's that rude to everybody, but you learn to tune it out.
So, Ms.
McClure, are you ready for your performance review? Yes, but maybe you should get a second opinion from Sacagawea.
[SIGHS.]
Are you kidding? - Am I? - I asked Vince for this.
I have to prove I can handle it.
Now, your performance review.
LeAnn Rimes said it best when she sang, "How can I breathe without you?" Nice work.
Wow.
That was soft.
Even for you.
You don't care that I took off all of Shark Week? Or that I unclogged the toilet with firecrackers? Or that she caused the clog by trying to flush away a bunch of parking tickets.
Be quiet, Dana.
Only Matthew and the panel of The X-Factor are allowed to judge me.
- Forget it.
- Wait, let me try it again.
I have stickers.
[SIGHS.]
Well, you just ruined my first performance review, Dana.
Congratulations, and will you please stop clacking those spinster's sticks? Sorry.
Ever since my breakup with Asher, I've been deep in Scarf City.
It's very therapeutic.
Oh.
[DOG GROWLS.]
- Ah.
[EXHALES.]
Dana's breakup is making her unbearable.
She's spinning out more than Lady Taz.
She's synchronized pee schedules with me so she can hold me hostage for bathroom conversations.
She told me, "My slow cooker is my boyfriend now.
" - Skull emoji.
- Yes.
This text chain is our one respite from having to deal with her.
- "Respite" means break.
- [LAUGHS.]
I saw it on "Jeopardy!" - Who are you texting? - Huh? Is there a secret text chain that I don't know about? What? No.
No, no, no.
I'm, uh I'm looking at pornography.
Oh, baby, it is sexy.
And it's sexual.
Bye.
Wow, so this is where the magic happens.
I hope I don't trip and fall into the arms of some beefy drama teacher.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Oh, shh, shh.
Gregg's coming over.
How do I look? - I'm going for no-makeup makeup.
- Great.
Hey, Michael.
Who's this? Are you recasting the part of "brothel madam"? She looks perfect.
This is my mom, Priya.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Now, tell me more about this brothel madam.
She's like, hot and can still get it but just worked her way up to management, right? Ask Michael.
He's the genius.
Now if only he could tell me what to do with my arms outside of rehearsal.
[LAUGHING.]
Gregg, you're too funny.
I'm dead.
Oh my God, isn't he? - He is.
- Like.
- So very.
- Right? - I know.
- Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
Vince and I can't talk like this.
Well, I never liked him for his talking.
- Eww.
- Sorry.
Okay.
- Go get them.
- All right, everybody.
From the top! It's showtime, people! Listen to him.
Listen to him.
Michael.
Time to work on your speech.
You can't just ignore it and hope it goes away like climate change.
No, Vince.
I'm actually the only one here.
I was just thinking about the good old days.
You and your baseball, me and my scoliosis.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Um - Where's Matthew and Michael? - I sent them away.
Matthew is spending the night at the Four Seasons on your credit card, and Michael is at a sleepover.
A sleepover? On a school night? Hey, this isn't swinging London, baby.
- He's got a speech to write.
- Okay.
All right, all right.
Just relax.
Hey, why don't you come sit down next to me? - [SCOFFS.]
- Come here.
I thought that you and I could just - catch up.
- Oh, yeah? Let me pour you a glass of wine.
Kay oh, God, I can't believe the store sold me a half-empty bottle.
Look, we need to talk about Michael.
Yeah, Priya, you're right.
We do need to talk.
I think it's great that you and Michael are catching up but you can't just appear out of nowhere and mess up our system.
It took a lot of work.
Wow.
Vince, seeing you take charge and be responsible like this, it's like you're a new man.
Well, people change.
You know? Eminem's political now.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Why are you looking at me like that? - Like what? - Like I'm a Kohl's gift card.
Am I? Yeah, well Guess I'm just not used to seeing you like this.
It's kind of hot.
Maybe we should see what else you're no longer terrible at.
[SULTRY MUSIC.]
- Wait.
- Mm-hmm? - Wait.
- Yeah? - Wait one second.
- What? Before things go any further, I need to ask you a question.
I don't have protection.
I accidentally opened the last one thinking it was a Wet-Nap.
But I think we're gonna be okay.
Law of averages, right? Yeah, okay, so I just wanted to ask, um it's okay that I take Michael back to Ohio with me for good, right? What? No.
Wait a second Has all this kissing just been buttering me up to ask me that? I don't know.
Maybe.
Look, I just didn't know it would be this hard, okay? Or that I would miss him this much.
Yeah, well it was a ton of work.
But now Michael's doing great.
He's getting better grades.
He's got friends.
I don't have to carry him over puddles anymore.
Okay, but listen to this.
A spot opened up at this amazing art school in Cleveland.
Drew Carey runs the improv program.
Well, Michael loves school here.
He just got into AP Hair and Makeup, as a freshman.
Well, you know what? Selfishly, I miss my only son.
Well, I would miss him too.
So what, you just give me a taste, get me hooked, and then just tear him away? Who's the drug dealer now? Well, at least you have Matthew.
If I died, no one would notice, except my Roomba.
I'd be covered in wheel marks when they found my body.
That's a hellafied amount of sadness in one image.
Look, I think it would be better if Michael had a parent that he could open up to.
For instance, did you know that he has a crush on Gregg? Gregg, who plays the harp? He hates Gregg.
He said he was gag-worthy.
Yeah, that's gay for good.
This is a delicate age.
If a young gay man doesn't have someone to confide in, he could become a super Christian congressman.
No, Priya.
The answer is no.
Michael's not going anywhere.
And just so you know, mashing is off the table, unless you want to do all the work! Guys, forget that you're my best friend and my brother.
How would you compare me and Priya, as parents? Basically a 50-50, right? - - Oh, it's apples and oranges.
If oranges were mean and strict and no fun at all.
Yeah, dude.
Michael barely twirls anymore.
Okay, but that's not all me.
That's the mean streets of New York.
Fine.
I'm gonna prove I'm the better parent.
Hey, Dean Pasquesi.
I'm looking for Michael.
Do you know where he is? Oh, uh do you not have his schedule memorized? Most of our parents do.
Oh, yeah.
No, I do.
I did.
I do not.
Okay, it appears he is in play rehearsal but it's closed.
No visitors.
Oh, I was just gonna drop off a little theater fuel for the cast.
Hella sprinkles.
Also, I'm a parent.
Gotta let the parents in, right? Yes.
His mother is already here.
Yeah, no, I heard her guffawing from the street.
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Uh, I'm sorry, Vince, It seems like Michael only put Priya on the list.
But, if it's any consolation, children always prefer their mothers.
I know I prefer mine.
I see.
[BRUSH SCRUBBING.]
- [SOBBING.]
Dana? What are you doing? Mervin our janitor cleans the ring.
Or did he quit because you bored him to death about your breakup? Kombucha pooped here.
He didn't mean to.
When he does it on purpose, you know.
- But, it's fine.
- Okay, cool.
Great attitude, Dana.
I'm gonna go.
Okay, have fun spending an evening with your family and friends.
Well, I can't when you're crying like that.
I'll get the ammonia.
The janitor's union will have a fit, but I can handle Mervin.
Thank you.
Hey, where's your mom? She still at your super exclusive rehearsal that I don't care about? Oh, she noticed all my belts were kind of whatever, so she went out to buy me new ones.
Okay.
Well, hey.
You ready to do that speech? I already took a whack at it.
Killer jokes.
Kids still know the movie "Commando," right? Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm working on my musical.
Thank God my mom's here.
She showed us how to hold a baby during a fire.
You put them in your bag and run, like shoplifting.
- Smart.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, hey, real quickly.
Uh, you don't hate living here, right? - It's not terrible.
- Yeah it's good.
I mean, it doesn't really help my.
"Ohio farm boy straight to Broadway legend" story.
So, don't be upset if I'm forced to omit you from my biography.
Michael? Michael.
I know exactly what you should text back Gregg.
- Nails painting emoji.
- Ugh, oh my God, of course.
It's been there this whole time.
But what race? One shade darker than you are, always.
- Oh, okay.
- [TEXT MESSAGE SWOOPS.]
- [PHONE VIBRATES.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh my gosh! Gregg just sent me the peach emoji.
- What? - I could die! That's basically like a marriage proposal.
- Right? - Let's practice your dance for your wedding.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Oh.
- I'm obviously the Hoda.
- You're the Kathie Lee.
- I'm the Hoda.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Hey, Michael.
Time for school.
You got your Social Media final today, right? Fine.
Mom, do not watch "Drag Race" without me and pretend you haven't seen it later.
You gasp too loud at who wins lip-sync.
You got it.
[TOGETHER.]
Bye.
See you, buddy.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, um Priya, I've been thinking.
You and Michael do have a special connection.
- Right? Don't we? - Yeah.
Oh my God.
It's like we have one brain.
I'll be like, "Hey should we get a pizza?" And he's like, "Yeah, why is it not already here?" Right, Which is why I think it might be in Michael's best interest to go back to Cleveland next semester.
- What? - Yeah.
Oh my God.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
Thank you all for coming to this emergency meeting.
One of our coworkers needs our help.
Yes, we need an intervention about Vince's haircut.
It makes his head look even smaller.
It's not that.
Dana's been going through a bit of a rough patch lately, so We're firing her.
Yes! I'm adding her to our text chain.
What? That is so drastic.
Can't we like, learn her last name instead? Yeah, I mean, that text chain is the only place I can really be me.
As an older white man, where else can I share my opinions on immigration? Guys, we're doing it.
Dana, welcome to the Champion staff text chain.
[TEXT MESSAGES SWOOPING.]
Done.
Wow! Thanks! Can everyone say which number is theirs? Somehow you've never given them to me.
See? It's not so bad.
Alexa, play us a song.
[KURTIS BLOW'S "THE BREAKS" PLAYS.]
Oh, there you guys are.
I just wanted to check in and see if my texts are coming through okay.
I didn't get a thumbs up on my first one.
Should I call Verizon? [TEXT MESSAGE SWOOPS.]
Anybody up for poker in the break room? The buy-in is a stick of gum or a French postcard.
Bud, if you have free time, maybe you can fill out your time card like I've been asking? Breaks to win and breaks to lose These here breaks will rock your shoes [CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
And these are the breaks OMG, check out this man-punzel realness.
I'll give you $20 if you climb it.
Excuse me? I have integrity.
I wouldn't do it for less than 50.
It's actually against our gym policy to take photos of members.
Can we all agree to delete that picture for legal reasons? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You guys are not gonna believe this monster boog' I just picked.
Pics or it didn't happen.
That sounds really cool.
But let's talk about it after work? A minute wasted is a dollar lost.
[SIGHS.]
That's it! I can't take it anymore.
Ruby has left the conversation! But, like, how do you do that? Dana! Help me! [CLAPS.]
Okay, people! Let's run the finale again.
I need those screams to be more harrowing.
And put more soot on all those background players.
Serve me blackened tilapia, honey.
From the top.
Michael, I have to say, this show is really coming together.
I'm gonna miss you.
Miss me? Am I being expelled? Is this because I ate your sandwich? No.
I just received a transcript request from the Cleveland Repertory Academy of Performance.
They said you're transferring.
What? Transferring? Back to Cleveland? But I burned all my bridges.
I said I didn't like Lebron James' beard.
Michael, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know your parents hadn't told you yet.
I don't have parents.
At the Tony's, I'm only thanking my agents.
And the American Theatre Wing.
- [FLAMES WHOOSH.]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Wow, much better on the screams, guys.
Nice improvement.
You're kidnapping me back to Ohio? Am I really supposed to spend another year with you breathing down my neck, supporting every little thing that I do? Yes, but you will be attending the Cleveland Repertory Academy for Performance.
Michael, it's a great school.
And you get to live with your mom.
She's got the brains and interests of a gay teenager.
- Isn't that what you want? - Okay, don't tell me what I want.
I wanted one long feather earring and you didn't let me do that.
This is what's best for you.
Best for Michael? Are you crazy? He's supposed to grow up without a strong uncle figure in his life? I won't leave.
And can you just stop making decisions for me? I swear, this is the last time, unless you get engaged to someone poor.
Oh, okay and you're just letting her? Wow, once again, doing whatever you can to not be a part of my life.
Honey, no, listen.
I will let you get a feather earring.
Hell, I'll get one too.
Well, I don't think I need to state the obvious but I'm also moving to Cleveland.
Enjoy dying alone.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Gregg, don't be nervous.
You've done fantastic work.
And when you sing "Melting For You," I feel the fire on my face.
Well, like every great director, you told me I was worthless garbage until I finally got better.
[EXHALES.]
It's been an honor.
Thanks.
Break a leg, Gregg.
I won't let you down.
[WHISPERS.]
Remember me when I'm gone.
Wow.
My boyfriend dumped me.
And my text chain dumped me.
But I'll be fine.
Maybe I'll just start making handmade jewelry.
Dana, enough.
I have my own problems.
The reason you're alone right now, is because you're annoying.
As Michael would say, "Don't be thirsty, hunty.
O-kerrr?" [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Look, If you want friends, you gotta relax around people and be a little more fun.
Oh.
You want "fun Dana?" I'll show you fun Dana.
[SOFT CHUCKLING.]
If my heart weren't all broken by Michael leaving, I would be on the floor laughing right now.
I love that.
Keep it up.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey.
Hey there, buddy.
Some good wigs here.
Yeah, well I'm surprised you even showed up.
Shouldn't you be eating at Buffalo Wild Wings or watching "American Dad" or whatever it is childless men do.
Michael, I'm sorry the way the news got sprung on you.
I don't want you to go.
I just think it's the right thing to do.
Look, you're all your mom has.
And I see what you guys have together and I can't give you that.
I physically cannot watch that much reality television.
Wait, so you are doing this for the right reasons? Yeah.
But I promise I'm going to come visit, make sure you and Priya aren't buried under filth.
Like, um [SNAPS FINGERS.]
"Hoarders?" I taught you more then you'll ever know.
Okay.
Whoa, lights.
Must be time to go.
Okay, I don't really know what to say before a non-athletic event, so - Oh.
- Go get 'em! Wait.
You write your speech? Yes, but now that I'm not angry at you, most of the jokes won't land.
Thanks a lot.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
I'm angry again.
Let's do this.
Hi, I saw everyone quit the last text chain, so I made a new one.
My God, she keeps coming back.
You know, like a movie monster.
- Or casual racism.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll try not to ruin this one by being so lame.
Hashtag epic fail.
It me.
- [EXHALES.]
- I like that.
It's funny because it looks like he really hurt himself.
What is this? Why am I on this? It's called a text chain, Vince.
Don't be a loser.
Oh, snap.
Vince got owned, by Dana! Please don't text me.
It's very expensive for my phone plan.
Okay, grandpa.
I'll save the emojis for someone else.
Damn, Dana, you on fire and I love it.
[CHIMES SWOOPING.]
Hey, Dana's suddenly cool.
What happened? I just told her she was super annoying and then clucked.
So an actual performance review? I don't like that at all.
Shh.
[GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[FEEDBACK.]
Hello and thank you for coming to "Shirtwaist!", An Incendiary Musical by Michael Patel.
" I first want to start by thanking my cast and crew.
I could have done it without you, but I'm glad I didn't have to.
[SOFT LAUGHTER.]
Actually, I [TENDER MUSIC.]
want to thank the person who made this possible: Vince.
Going to this school has been incredible.
But the best part of moving to New York, has been living with you and Matthew.
Well, sorry, kid we gave a full scholarship to.
The greatest lesson you've taught me is to work hard and never give up.
Sure it makes you a huge dork [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I don't get it.
Is the joke that I'm actually cool? Oh, that's funny.
I like that.
[CHUCKLES.]
But you're right.
And if you think moving to Ohio is what's best for me then I guess it must be.
Okay, enough chitchat.
Let's burn this place to the ground.
Whoo! [SOFT LAUGH.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Boss Moneybags, it's time for the fire safety check.
You were so good.
Man, I still can't believe how good that was.
For two hours, I felt like I was burning to death of joy.
Well, you killed it.
And I went in as a skeptic, but that song where the actors came out and pointed out the actual fire exits? - Chills.
- It was amazing.
It was like watching "Wicked" on Broadway, except in this show, I wasn't thrown out for yelling, "This is just Frozen!" Thanks, Mom.
Maybe they'll let me restage the show in Cleveland next semester.
I'd have to make all the characters white, of course.
Actually, after seeing that tonight, and seeing how happy you are I decided that you should stay here.
- [GASPS.]
- Yeah.
Plus, New York needs your glamour, what with Melania in DC.
- [GASPS.]
- Wait.
Priya, are you serious? Yeah, Vince.
This is his home.
And I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I think New York might actually have more to offer you than Cleveland.
Mom.
Thank you.
[SHEPPARD'S "COMING HOME" PLAYS.]
Bye.
I love you.
I love you, too.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Ready for the sparks to fly Into the morning oh, my God You know I'll need a shopping spree in order to properly grieve my mother.
She's not dead and your clothes are fine.
Go do the dishes.
Big Day.
Michael, how's the musical coming? Dean Pasquesi said it needs a better opening line.
Currently it's just exposition.
I need $2 million in pyrotechnics.
But that's the least of my problems.
I have to give a speech opening night.
And I'm not even getting an award! But you love talking to people.
You spent ten minutes berating that man on the subway for wearing pleated pants.
That was an emergency.
Plus, now I have time to think and I'm in my head.
Do I thank my friends or do I gloat to my enemies? Do I wear a polka-dot ribbon for acne awareness? Relax.
I got a great ches book.
A little "Four score," a little "I'ma let you finish," you good.
So, Matthew, you ready to give the staff their performance reviews? Oh, yeah.
I just hope I'm tough enough.
It hurts to furrow my brow.
You really can't help? No, I'm busy trying to hire a new trainer.
Hey it's 7:00.
We gotta go, go, go.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Your Postmates is here.
You guys aren't busy, right? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Mom.
- Hi.
- Oh my gosh.
What are you doing here? Like I would miss your big premiere.
Also, the "cozy" Airbnb I booked, turned out to be a toilet at Port Authority.
But I'm gonna stay here.
Ah! - What? - Yay! Uh, stay here? We already use our dish washer as a closet.
Also we don't want to mess with.
Michael's sleep schedule this close to opening night.
Yeah, without his 14 hours, he won't have the energy he needs to scream at his cast.
But I haven't seen my mom in so long.
There have been four new cities of housewives since I last saw her.
Aleppo is lit.
Yeah, plus, you know, it'd be really good for us to catch up.
- Ooh.
- Maybe discuss Michael.
And you guys could tell me all the nice things - you say about me behind my back.
- Okay, fine.
But we got a lot going on around here.
So, at least try and stay out of the way.
Of course.
I will be a ghost.
You will never notice I'm here.
Matthew, I need you to wash all the clothes in my suitcase 'cause they're dirty.
- Ah! I get to show you my room.
- Please.
So, Leora, can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? Maybe some personal space? You'd primarily be helping me with my Cardi B cardio class load.
How do you handle taking directions from a woman? I am a woman.
[CLICKS PEN.]
Not well.
[PHONE VIBRATING.]
- Excuse me.
Hey, I'm picking up Michael from school.
Your apartment's boring.
So, did you want to talk about my resume or my qualifications? Uh, yeah, mm-hmm, totally.
Yep, sorry.
That's surprisingly helpful.
Make him write his opening night speech.
I got a question.
You're not one of them snobby.
NPR-types that's gonna get offended if I call you by the wrong name or back into your car? Oh, I actually walk to work.
It's part of my commitment to fitness and the environment.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
- [SIGHS.]
No.
We're going to a cat café where everyone is mean to you.
Michael says you never let him do anything spontaneous.
Because there is a time and place for spontaneity.
[TEXT MESSAGE SWOOPS.]
[SIGHS.]
Don't take it personally.
He's that rude to everybody, but you learn to tune it out.
So, Ms.
McClure, are you ready for your performance review? Yes, but maybe you should get a second opinion from Sacagawea.
[SIGHS.]
Are you kidding? - Am I? - I asked Vince for this.
I have to prove I can handle it.
Now, your performance review.
LeAnn Rimes said it best when she sang, "How can I breathe without you?" Nice work.
Wow.
That was soft.
Even for you.
You don't care that I took off all of Shark Week? Or that I unclogged the toilet with firecrackers? Or that she caused the clog by trying to flush away a bunch of parking tickets.
Be quiet, Dana.
Only Matthew and the panel of The X-Factor are allowed to judge me.
- Forget it.
- Wait, let me try it again.
I have stickers.
[SIGHS.]
Well, you just ruined my first performance review, Dana.
Congratulations, and will you please stop clacking those spinster's sticks? Sorry.
Ever since my breakup with Asher, I've been deep in Scarf City.
It's very therapeutic.
Oh.
[DOG GROWLS.]
- Ah.
[EXHALES.]
Dana's breakup is making her unbearable.
She's spinning out more than Lady Taz.
She's synchronized pee schedules with me so she can hold me hostage for bathroom conversations.
She told me, "My slow cooker is my boyfriend now.
" - Skull emoji.
- Yes.
This text chain is our one respite from having to deal with her.
- "Respite" means break.
- [LAUGHS.]
I saw it on "Jeopardy!" - Who are you texting? - Huh? Is there a secret text chain that I don't know about? What? No.
No, no, no.
I'm, uh I'm looking at pornography.
Oh, baby, it is sexy.
And it's sexual.
Bye.
Wow, so this is where the magic happens.
I hope I don't trip and fall into the arms of some beefy drama teacher.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Oh, shh, shh.
Gregg's coming over.
How do I look? - I'm going for no-makeup makeup.
- Great.
Hey, Michael.
Who's this? Are you recasting the part of "brothel madam"? She looks perfect.
This is my mom, Priya.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Now, tell me more about this brothel madam.
She's like, hot and can still get it but just worked her way up to management, right? Ask Michael.
He's the genius.
Now if only he could tell me what to do with my arms outside of rehearsal.
[LAUGHING.]
Gregg, you're too funny.
I'm dead.
Oh my God, isn't he? - He is.
- Like.
- So very.
- Right? - I know.
- Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
Vince and I can't talk like this.
Well, I never liked him for his talking.
- Eww.
- Sorry.
Okay.
- Go get them.
- All right, everybody.
From the top! It's showtime, people! Listen to him.
Listen to him.
Michael.
Time to work on your speech.
You can't just ignore it and hope it goes away like climate change.
No, Vince.
I'm actually the only one here.
I was just thinking about the good old days.
You and your baseball, me and my scoliosis.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Um - Where's Matthew and Michael? - I sent them away.
Matthew is spending the night at the Four Seasons on your credit card, and Michael is at a sleepover.
A sleepover? On a school night? Hey, this isn't swinging London, baby.
- He's got a speech to write.
- Okay.
All right, all right.
Just relax.
Hey, why don't you come sit down next to me? - [SCOFFS.]
- Come here.
I thought that you and I could just - catch up.
- Oh, yeah? Let me pour you a glass of wine.
Kay oh, God, I can't believe the store sold me a half-empty bottle.
Look, we need to talk about Michael.
Yeah, Priya, you're right.
We do need to talk.
I think it's great that you and Michael are catching up but you can't just appear out of nowhere and mess up our system.
It took a lot of work.
Wow.
Vince, seeing you take charge and be responsible like this, it's like you're a new man.
Well, people change.
You know? Eminem's political now.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Why are you looking at me like that? - Like what? - Like I'm a Kohl's gift card.
Am I? Yeah, well Guess I'm just not used to seeing you like this.
It's kind of hot.
Maybe we should see what else you're no longer terrible at.
[SULTRY MUSIC.]
- Wait.
- Mm-hmm? - Wait.
- Yeah? - Wait one second.
- What? Before things go any further, I need to ask you a question.
I don't have protection.
I accidentally opened the last one thinking it was a Wet-Nap.
But I think we're gonna be okay.
Law of averages, right? Yeah, okay, so I just wanted to ask, um it's okay that I take Michael back to Ohio with me for good, right? What? No.
Wait a second Has all this kissing just been buttering me up to ask me that? I don't know.
Maybe.
Look, I just didn't know it would be this hard, okay? Or that I would miss him this much.
Yeah, well it was a ton of work.
But now Michael's doing great.
He's getting better grades.
He's got friends.
I don't have to carry him over puddles anymore.
Okay, but listen to this.
A spot opened up at this amazing art school in Cleveland.
Drew Carey runs the improv program.
Well, Michael loves school here.
He just got into AP Hair and Makeup, as a freshman.
Well, you know what? Selfishly, I miss my only son.
Well, I would miss him too.
So what, you just give me a taste, get me hooked, and then just tear him away? Who's the drug dealer now? Well, at least you have Matthew.
If I died, no one would notice, except my Roomba.
I'd be covered in wheel marks when they found my body.
That's a hellafied amount of sadness in one image.
Look, I think it would be better if Michael had a parent that he could open up to.
For instance, did you know that he has a crush on Gregg? Gregg, who plays the harp? He hates Gregg.
He said he was gag-worthy.
Yeah, that's gay for good.
This is a delicate age.
If a young gay man doesn't have someone to confide in, he could become a super Christian congressman.
No, Priya.
The answer is no.
Michael's not going anywhere.
And just so you know, mashing is off the table, unless you want to do all the work! Guys, forget that you're my best friend and my brother.
How would you compare me and Priya, as parents? Basically a 50-50, right? - - Oh, it's apples and oranges.
If oranges were mean and strict and no fun at all.
Yeah, dude.
Michael barely twirls anymore.
Okay, but that's not all me.
That's the mean streets of New York.
Fine.
I'm gonna prove I'm the better parent.
Hey, Dean Pasquesi.
I'm looking for Michael.
Do you know where he is? Oh, uh do you not have his schedule memorized? Most of our parents do.
Oh, yeah.
No, I do.
I did.
I do not.
Okay, it appears he is in play rehearsal but it's closed.
No visitors.
Oh, I was just gonna drop off a little theater fuel for the cast.
Hella sprinkles.
Also, I'm a parent.
Gotta let the parents in, right? Yes.
His mother is already here.
Yeah, no, I heard her guffawing from the street.
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Uh, I'm sorry, Vince, It seems like Michael only put Priya on the list.
But, if it's any consolation, children always prefer their mothers.
I know I prefer mine.
I see.
[BRUSH SCRUBBING.]
- [SOBBING.]
Dana? What are you doing? Mervin our janitor cleans the ring.
Or did he quit because you bored him to death about your breakup? Kombucha pooped here.
He didn't mean to.
When he does it on purpose, you know.
- But, it's fine.
- Okay, cool.
Great attitude, Dana.
I'm gonna go.
Okay, have fun spending an evening with your family and friends.
Well, I can't when you're crying like that.
I'll get the ammonia.
The janitor's union will have a fit, but I can handle Mervin.
Thank you.
Hey, where's your mom? She still at your super exclusive rehearsal that I don't care about? Oh, she noticed all my belts were kind of whatever, so she went out to buy me new ones.
Okay.
Well, hey.
You ready to do that speech? I already took a whack at it.
Killer jokes.
Kids still know the movie "Commando," right? Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm working on my musical.
Thank God my mom's here.
She showed us how to hold a baby during a fire.
You put them in your bag and run, like shoplifting.
- Smart.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, hey, real quickly.
Uh, you don't hate living here, right? - It's not terrible.
- Yeah it's good.
I mean, it doesn't really help my.
"Ohio farm boy straight to Broadway legend" story.
So, don't be upset if I'm forced to omit you from my biography.
Michael? Michael.
I know exactly what you should text back Gregg.
- Nails painting emoji.
- Ugh, oh my God, of course.
It's been there this whole time.
But what race? One shade darker than you are, always.
- Oh, okay.
- [TEXT MESSAGE SWOOPS.]
- [PHONE VIBRATES.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh my gosh! Gregg just sent me the peach emoji.
- What? - I could die! That's basically like a marriage proposal.
- Right? - Let's practice your dance for your wedding.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Oh.
- I'm obviously the Hoda.
- You're the Kathie Lee.
- I'm the Hoda.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Hey, Michael.
Time for school.
You got your Social Media final today, right? Fine.
Mom, do not watch "Drag Race" without me and pretend you haven't seen it later.
You gasp too loud at who wins lip-sync.
You got it.
[TOGETHER.]
Bye.
See you, buddy.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, um Priya, I've been thinking.
You and Michael do have a special connection.
- Right? Don't we? - Yeah.
Oh my God.
It's like we have one brain.
I'll be like, "Hey should we get a pizza?" And he's like, "Yeah, why is it not already here?" Right, Which is why I think it might be in Michael's best interest to go back to Cleveland next semester.
- What? - Yeah.
Oh my God.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
Thank you all for coming to this emergency meeting.
One of our coworkers needs our help.
Yes, we need an intervention about Vince's haircut.
It makes his head look even smaller.
It's not that.
Dana's been going through a bit of a rough patch lately, so We're firing her.
Yes! I'm adding her to our text chain.
What? That is so drastic.
Can't we like, learn her last name instead? Yeah, I mean, that text chain is the only place I can really be me.
As an older white man, where else can I share my opinions on immigration? Guys, we're doing it.
Dana, welcome to the Champion staff text chain.
[TEXT MESSAGES SWOOPING.]
Done.
Wow! Thanks! Can everyone say which number is theirs? Somehow you've never given them to me.
See? It's not so bad.
Alexa, play us a song.
[KURTIS BLOW'S "THE BREAKS" PLAYS.]
Oh, there you guys are.
I just wanted to check in and see if my texts are coming through okay.
I didn't get a thumbs up on my first one.
Should I call Verizon? [TEXT MESSAGE SWOOPS.]
Anybody up for poker in the break room? The buy-in is a stick of gum or a French postcard.
Bud, if you have free time, maybe you can fill out your time card like I've been asking? Breaks to win and breaks to lose These here breaks will rock your shoes [CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
And these are the breaks OMG, check out this man-punzel realness.
I'll give you $20 if you climb it.
Excuse me? I have integrity.
I wouldn't do it for less than 50.
It's actually against our gym policy to take photos of members.
Can we all agree to delete that picture for legal reasons? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You guys are not gonna believe this monster boog' I just picked.
Pics or it didn't happen.
That sounds really cool.
But let's talk about it after work? A minute wasted is a dollar lost.
[SIGHS.]
That's it! I can't take it anymore.
Ruby has left the conversation! But, like, how do you do that? Dana! Help me! [CLAPS.]
Okay, people! Let's run the finale again.
I need those screams to be more harrowing.
And put more soot on all those background players.
Serve me blackened tilapia, honey.
From the top.
Michael, I have to say, this show is really coming together.
I'm gonna miss you.
Miss me? Am I being expelled? Is this because I ate your sandwich? No.
I just received a transcript request from the Cleveland Repertory Academy of Performance.
They said you're transferring.
What? Transferring? Back to Cleveland? But I burned all my bridges.
I said I didn't like Lebron James' beard.
Michael, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know your parents hadn't told you yet.
I don't have parents.
At the Tony's, I'm only thanking my agents.
And the American Theatre Wing.
- [FLAMES WHOOSH.]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Wow, much better on the screams, guys.
Nice improvement.
You're kidnapping me back to Ohio? Am I really supposed to spend another year with you breathing down my neck, supporting every little thing that I do? Yes, but you will be attending the Cleveland Repertory Academy for Performance.
Michael, it's a great school.
And you get to live with your mom.
She's got the brains and interests of a gay teenager.
- Isn't that what you want? - Okay, don't tell me what I want.
I wanted one long feather earring and you didn't let me do that.
This is what's best for you.
Best for Michael? Are you crazy? He's supposed to grow up without a strong uncle figure in his life? I won't leave.
And can you just stop making decisions for me? I swear, this is the last time, unless you get engaged to someone poor.
Oh, okay and you're just letting her? Wow, once again, doing whatever you can to not be a part of my life.
Honey, no, listen.
I will let you get a feather earring.
Hell, I'll get one too.
Well, I don't think I need to state the obvious but I'm also moving to Cleveland.
Enjoy dying alone.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Gregg, don't be nervous.
You've done fantastic work.
And when you sing "Melting For You," I feel the fire on my face.
Well, like every great director, you told me I was worthless garbage until I finally got better.
[EXHALES.]
It's been an honor.
Thanks.
Break a leg, Gregg.
I won't let you down.
[WHISPERS.]
Remember me when I'm gone.
Wow.
My boyfriend dumped me.
And my text chain dumped me.
But I'll be fine.
Maybe I'll just start making handmade jewelry.
Dana, enough.
I have my own problems.
The reason you're alone right now, is because you're annoying.
As Michael would say, "Don't be thirsty, hunty.
O-kerrr?" [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Look, If you want friends, you gotta relax around people and be a little more fun.
Oh.
You want "fun Dana?" I'll show you fun Dana.
[SOFT CHUCKLING.]
If my heart weren't all broken by Michael leaving, I would be on the floor laughing right now.
I love that.
Keep it up.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey.
Hey there, buddy.
Some good wigs here.
Yeah, well I'm surprised you even showed up.
Shouldn't you be eating at Buffalo Wild Wings or watching "American Dad" or whatever it is childless men do.
Michael, I'm sorry the way the news got sprung on you.
I don't want you to go.
I just think it's the right thing to do.
Look, you're all your mom has.
And I see what you guys have together and I can't give you that.
I physically cannot watch that much reality television.
Wait, so you are doing this for the right reasons? Yeah.
But I promise I'm going to come visit, make sure you and Priya aren't buried under filth.
Like, um [SNAPS FINGERS.]
"Hoarders?" I taught you more then you'll ever know.
Okay.
Whoa, lights.
Must be time to go.
Okay, I don't really know what to say before a non-athletic event, so - Oh.
- Go get 'em! Wait.
You write your speech? Yes, but now that I'm not angry at you, most of the jokes won't land.
Thanks a lot.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
I'm angry again.
Let's do this.
Hi, I saw everyone quit the last text chain, so I made a new one.
My God, she keeps coming back.
You know, like a movie monster.
- Or casual racism.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll try not to ruin this one by being so lame.
Hashtag epic fail.
It me.
- [EXHALES.]
- I like that.
It's funny because it looks like he really hurt himself.
What is this? Why am I on this? It's called a text chain, Vince.
Don't be a loser.
Oh, snap.
Vince got owned, by Dana! Please don't text me.
It's very expensive for my phone plan.
Okay, grandpa.
I'll save the emojis for someone else.
Damn, Dana, you on fire and I love it.
[CHIMES SWOOPING.]
Hey, Dana's suddenly cool.
What happened? I just told her she was super annoying and then clucked.
So an actual performance review? I don't like that at all.
Shh.
[GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[FEEDBACK.]
Hello and thank you for coming to "Shirtwaist!", An Incendiary Musical by Michael Patel.
" I first want to start by thanking my cast and crew.
I could have done it without you, but I'm glad I didn't have to.
[SOFT LAUGHTER.]
Actually, I [TENDER MUSIC.]
want to thank the person who made this possible: Vince.
Going to this school has been incredible.
But the best part of moving to New York, has been living with you and Matthew.
Well, sorry, kid we gave a full scholarship to.
The greatest lesson you've taught me is to work hard and never give up.
Sure it makes you a huge dork [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I don't get it.
Is the joke that I'm actually cool? Oh, that's funny.
I like that.
[CHUCKLES.]
But you're right.
And if you think moving to Ohio is what's best for me then I guess it must be.
Okay, enough chitchat.
Let's burn this place to the ground.
Whoo! [SOFT LAUGH.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Boss Moneybags, it's time for the fire safety check.
You were so good.
Man, I still can't believe how good that was.
For two hours, I felt like I was burning to death of joy.
Well, you killed it.
And I went in as a skeptic, but that song where the actors came out and pointed out the actual fire exits? - Chills.
- It was amazing.
It was like watching "Wicked" on Broadway, except in this show, I wasn't thrown out for yelling, "This is just Frozen!" Thanks, Mom.
Maybe they'll let me restage the show in Cleveland next semester.
I'd have to make all the characters white, of course.
Actually, after seeing that tonight, and seeing how happy you are I decided that you should stay here.
- [GASPS.]
- Yeah.
Plus, New York needs your glamour, what with Melania in DC.
- [GASPS.]
- Wait.
Priya, are you serious? Yeah, Vince.
This is his home.
And I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I think New York might actually have more to offer you than Cleveland.
Mom.
Thank you.
[SHEPPARD'S "COMING HOME" PLAYS.]
Bye.
I love you.
I love you, too.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Ready for the sparks to fly Into the morning oh, my God You know I'll need a shopping spree in order to properly grieve my mother.
She's not dead and your clothes are fine.
Go do the dishes.