Champions (2018) s01e10 Episode Script

Deal or No Deal

1 So, am I ready for adulthood? TBD.
But the thing I'll take away most from high school isn't the books I read or the tests I took.
It's the memories, like Senior Skip Day.
[LAUGHTER] Sorry, Mother Superior.
We didn't really have the flu.
We had twelfth grade-itis.
[LAUGHTER] I can't believe Matthew finally graduated.
I've never been prouder of anyone except me.
- All day, er'ry day.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah, I'm Hey.
D of him, too.
Why aren't you laughing at Matthew? You wrote this speech for your class on Award Show Patter.
Gregg hasn't texted me in days.
We grew so close during the musical, but now, nothing.
He'd better be sick.
Like, so sick, - they write a YA novel about it.
- Hey, don't feel bad.
It's just because he's a senior and you're a freshman.
- You mean nothing to him.
- Shh.
Matthew's almost done, and I helped him with this last part for weeks.
Well, I guess there's just one thing left to say.
Hasta la vista, high school baby.
That means good-bye, high school, baby! Whoo, yeah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY] - No, no, bad, weird smile.
Chin up, ugh, guys, this is awful.
Ah, enough with the pictures.
Matty, you did it.
Congratulations.
Now, I'm not a mushy guy or nothing, but I got you something.
Whoa! [CHUCKLES] - A gun? - Belonged to your pop in the '70s.
He won it in a church raffle.
Okay, maybe we don't flash a gun around.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Anyway, Matthew, I also got you something.
We are going to expand the gym, just like Matthew's been saying we should.
No way, we can finally get the shower to stop sparking.
- But how are we gonna get the money? - Well, we've saved a bundle since Vince cracked our neighbor's Wi-Fi password.
Yeah, and my old buddy Leo Kemper's coming to town.
He's pretty high up at the Cardinals organization.
The Vatican? He gay? No, the St.
Louis Cardinals baseball team.
And he not gay.
Leo's been trying to straighten this perm since high school.
And he also owes me one.
In tenth grade, the principal found some schwag dank chronic in his locker, - and I said it was mine.
- Oh, wow.
That's when white people used to get in trouble for weed, too.
That's a big deal.
Wow, what a day.
I graduated, I got a gun, and we're expanding the gym.
Could anything make this better? Vince taking me and a couple friends to graduation pancakes? Fine.
He said yes! [ALL CHEER] [UPBEAT MUSIC] Okay, when you see Leo today, butter him up, then tell him my plans for the gym.
Sauna, climbing wall, and for the ladies, virtual reality treadmills where they can run from murderers.
- No, no, no.
- [HUMMING] Ah, someone's in a good mood.
Did an old French lady win an Oscar? No, I'm just back in control of my life.
Since Gregg still hasn't responded to my text, I've decided to do the mature thing.
Ah, take a hint and never text him again.
No, I'm gonna speak to him face-to-face, like in an old movie.
Okay, but again, he is a senior.
So if he was even remotely interested, - he'd be treating you way worse.
- Vince, I don't need you to put things in perspective for me right now, okay? I want to hear the truth.
That I'm a beautiful unicorn that will one day be crushed to death under the weight of his own Grammys.
Well, unicorns are immortal, so that can't happen.
But he burned you, for sure.
[GROOVY MUSIC] Oh, hello, Gregg.
Hope you saved some room for humble pie.
Michael, I am so sorry for ghosting you.
I'm doing a phone cleanse where I can only look at one of my phones.
How are you? - I've missed you.
- You've missed me? That's weird, I haven't thought about you at all.
How was your half-birthday celebration with just immediate family last Monday? Eh, it was whatever.
Anyway, let's grab dinner sometime, just you and me.
- I do.
- Cool, I'll text you.
[EXHALES] Man, it is good to see you, Vince.
- It's been too long.
- Yeah.
Hey, how is Ruby doing? Ruby McClure, from high school, who accidentally spit on my shoe today? Why do you care? I always thought we had chemistry.
[SCOFFS] You and Ruby? [LAUGHS] - You know she's - Out of my league.
Yeah, I get it.
Anyway, you know, you always were the best of us.
I swear, back then, I thought I'd be the one running the gym and you'd be the one arm-wrestling John Hamm on the cover of "St.
Louis Magazine.
" Well, thank you, but, uh, I'm doing good, you know? Got a kid, hairline's staying put, and, uh, Tim's doing great.
Speaking of, um, I wanted to let you in on a sick investment opportunity.
No.
No? But the schwag dank chronic.
- Yeah, I remember.
- So I'm not gonna help you, Jim.
'Cause I want you to come work for me.
Okay, just because I'm dressed like the waitstaff doesn't mean I need a job.
The Cardinals have a developmental team.
The Baton Rouge Humidity.
Not the best name, but I want you to manage them.
You want me to manage a baseball team? Pack your bags, Vince.
And remember, it's not the heat, it's the Humidity.
Team slogan also needs a little work, but still, you get it.
Are you in? - Hello? - Oh, hey.
- You're back early.
- Leo wanted to hit the club, but there was a $5 cover, so - Is Matthew around? - No, he prayed so hard that you'd get the loan that he fell asleep.
- He's still kneeling.
- Oh, boy.
[GROANS] - I didn't get the loan.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Leo offered me a job managing a baseball team in Baton Rouge.
- Huh? - It's like New Orleans, without Mardi Gras, jazz, or sexy vampires.
Oh.
What did you say? No, obviously, you know, I'm taking care of you, and it's just not the right time.
- Right? - Yeah, yeah.
- I I think you made the right choice.
- Exactly, yeah, good, good, good.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna - Oh, wait, get this.
- Gregg asked me out.
- Whoa, really? - Uh-huh! - It wasn't just a BOTH: Cruel prank to entertain his friends? No, it wasn't; it was real.
It was a real ask-out.
- Wow, congrats.
- Thank you.
Unfortunately, that's never, ever gonna happen.
What, are you kidding? I want nothing more for you than to find a rich guy that can take care of all of us.
- But Gregg's too old.
- Look, I know Gregg's older, and we have nothing in common.
You know, he's a harpist, and I write musicals.
But the more we worked together, the more we realized we click.
[EXHALES] Fine, I'll make you a deal.
No date, but Gregg can come here for dinner.
So we can suss out his real intentions, Focker style.
Thank you, but get your weird references like that - out of your system right now.
- Okay, Jinxy! Okay, you can stop that, okay.
[GROOVY MUSIC] Oh, look, the world's stupidest guy.
I can check that off my scavenger hunt list.
Stupid? I'm not the one telling her boss she's on a scavenger hunt - in the middle of the workday.
- Leo Kemper called me.
After hitting on me for, like, 20 minutes, he told me he offered you a managing job and you said no? Yeah, my life's here now, raising Michael.
Plus, I just put 20 bucks on a Metro card.
What, am I supposed to burn that? But this is what you've always wanted.
This would be like me turning down my dream job.
Stunt coordinator for the Wonder Woman franchise.
I know, I know, but I just can't leave Michael again.
Sure, having a deadbeat dad would help his art, but I'm not that guy anymore.
You really think he's gonna respect you more for deferring your dreams? Seeing them dry up like a raisin in the sun? Whoa, now I know you mean it if you're quoting Langston Hughes.
Langston who? I saw that on the back of a Sun-Maid Raisins box.
My point is, there's a reason you held on to this baseball junk all these years.
Thank you.
Guys, I went through all your ideas for the new gym expansion.
Brittany, your negative calorie celery bar.
Shabaz, your new sound system for the open mic night.
And Ruby, your cryochamber.
What about my meat shop for old men to hang out in? Mm, well, I haven't done the math yet, but I feel like we can do it all.
- Yeah.
- Bring it in! Vince hasn't even told us he has the loan yet.
I would hate for this to be another "buy the prom dress before anyone asks me" situation.
ALL: Boo! Dana, I think what they're trying to say is, maybe workshop that speech a little bit before you bring it to our new open mic night! - [ALL CHEER AND LAUGH] - Yes! It's poetry time at the gym! Hey, Michael, so what's up? Wow, you get threaded for the big date? Brows on fleek.
Oh, no one says "on fleek" anymore.
Just stick to the updated slang I taught you.
- You got it, squirrel-friend.
- Look, I've been thinking.
You have to take this baseball job.
It's your dream, you're perfect for it, and frankly, it sounds on fleek.
- Wait, what? - I just got a text.
- "On fleek" is cool again.
- No, no, you want me to move to Baton Rouge? You know you're not - getting my room, right? - I did not.
But I came to New York to follow my dreams, like Fievel.
But how can I live my truth knowing I've kept you from living yours? - Wait, is this a song? - Look, I can't go.
Who would take care of you? Sure, you act mature, but all your jeans have elastic waistbands.
Matthew will take care of me.
He already does everything for both of us, and I'm basically an adult.
Hello, give me the stock market on my car phone.
Golf is fun.
Tell my wife we're married.
I've got to go use my MasterCard, good-bye.
[EXHALES] Okay, all right, wow.
[LAUGHS] I can't believe I'm about to do this, that you're letting me do this.
Yeah, well, maybe now you'll be okay with me getting "Gregg" tattooed inside my lower lip before our dinner tonight.
See how cool it would look? That's never gonna happen.
Okay, I am going to text Leo.
Tell him I want the job.
Then I got to tell Matthew.
Oh, no, you can't.
He will die of a broken heart.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, John Stamos.
Way too sexy.
Are you wearing eyeliner? Are you not wearing eyeliner? We're having dinner with Gregg.
This is the most important night of all of our lives.
Okay, relax.
I got enough to worry about.
After dinner, I'm telling Matthew about the job.
I even bought Kleenex for the tears.
Well, actually, it's toilet paper, nine-ply.
Anything less than that will get swept away in the flood.
Mm.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN] Aw, you look great.
Love your eyeliner.
Hey, why'd you guys go quiet when I walked in? - Were you talking about me? - Oh, um, yes, we were.
But it was all compliments.
Keep it up, dude.
- Yeah.
- Compliments? Dude, you're gonna make me cry.
And you bought more toilet paper? - This is the best day ever.
- Yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Well, I hope Gregg brought his appetite.
This is the most turkey burgers I've ever made.
- Four.
- Oh, Gregg doesn't eat meat or carbs, but he will have ketchup and conflict-free lettuce.
What, now what will he like me for? - [KNOCK AT DOOR] - Oh, God, Gregg's here.
I'm sweating through my silk.
Why didn't you let me Botox my pits? - This is the nightmare! - Relax, this is good.
We always put pheromones into the air before a big date.
It sets the mood.
Go ahead.
Let the 'mones out.
You got it.
- [KNOCKING] - Okay.
- There you go, that's nice.
- You got it.
Michael, phew, I wasn't sure this was the right building.
When I Googled the address, it was just a bunch of bad reviews for a gym.
- And this must be your dad.
- Hey.
You said he was the weird-looking one, right? Yes, he is, but I don't call him Dad.
- I just call him - Mr.
Cook, Gregg.
And I'm uncle Mr.
Cook, Gregg.
Nice to meet you.
I hope it's okay, but I brought dessert.
It's breadless bread pudding.
Well, raised right.
I like that, son.
Oh, I'll take that, and maybe just put the soufflé that I made in the garbage.
Does that work for everyone? Yes, that's fine.
You know, Gregg, we don't have to talk to them, I imagine we just eat in silence on our phones like normal teens.
Are you kidding? I have so many questions.
Like, how do two aging brothers put together a place this stylish? It's nice to finally have a man with an eye in here.
Everything you're looking at is Tim Allen for Big Lots.
- Phew.
Yep.
- So, what are the kids drinking these days, Gregg? Jager, Goldschlag, Tide pod? - Bloop.
- I actually have - a bottle of water in my bag.
- Oh, great.
What else did you bring that I'm already providing? Okay, let's eat.
So, Gregg, what are your plans for next year? Gregg's gonna try acting.
He was worried there weren't as many roles for white actors as there used to be, but then I laughed for 15 minutes.
It's exciting, but not as exciting as your news.
Michael tells me you're moving to Louisiana to manage a baseball team.
[DISHES CLATTERING] - What? - Oh, um, Gregg must have misheard me saying nothing about that.
Yes, I misspoke.
You see, I'm moving to Louisiana to manage a baseball team.
- What? - I beat Vince out for the job.
[LAUGHS] That's where the confusion was.
I'm sorry, but perhaps you're all forgetting that you're speaking to a high school graduate.
Vince, what is going on? [GROOVY MUSIC] Look, Leo didn't give us the loan for the expansion.
- What? - But there's a silver lining.
For me.
Um Leo offered me a job managing a baseball team in Baton Rouge.
- And I accepted it.
- What? - How could you do this to me? - Okay, you know what? - Maybe you should go.
- I said no at first, but then Michael convinced me to take it.
Excuse me, are there tire marks on my back from being thrown under the bus? And I had to find out from Gregg? Who else knows? Alexa? I'm sorry.
I didn't quite get that.
Do you want to know the weather? Oh, I already know the weather, Alexa.
It's a hurricane of lies! - Whoa! - No one else knows except my mom, okay? And I'm Facebook Live-ing this.
McKensie says Vince is a jerk.
Well, tell her the job is seasonal.
Okay, so I'll come and go, like Santa and the McRib.
- You love both of those things.
- How dare you compare yourself to such a jolly symbol of hope.
- Or Santa! - Cut it out! [GASPS] You killed him! Okay, uh, let's all just calm down.
Okay, take some deep breaths, and focus on the fact - that this is all Gregg's fault.
- Uh, what? Gregg, Gregg, Gregg! How dare you bring Gregg into this? That's my future nephew-in-law! - Help, help, hey, help, help! - Do not help that man! He is a traitor to his family.
Put your hands up, we got you surrounded I'm in the back, changing my outfits He said blink, we gonna send the hounds in I said wait, 'cause here I come Oh! [GRUNTS] [GROANS] - Say uncle! - Never! [ENERGETIC HIP-HOP MUSIC] [RAPPING INDISTINCTLY] [BOTH YELL] [PEOPLE GROANING] You okay? - [YELLS] - Oh, my God.
- Get off of me.
- I'm gonna put - my tongue in your ear.
- Be my guest! I haven't Q-tipped in a month! - Oh, come on, come on.
- Cut it, will you? Get up here.
What is going on here? This is the lamest fight I have ever seen, and I was a bouncer at Senor Frog's for six years.
You know, Matthew, most brothers our age only see each other at bachelor parties and interventions.
We can't do everything together forever.
Yes, we can! I bought us a single burial plot that has bunk beds and a trundle for Michael.
But who cares? You'd probably just abandon us for a job in hell, where I hope you rot! - What, that's it! - Stop! Stop fighting.
You're too old for your faces to heal properly.
Now knock it off! Matthew, I'm sorry.
But I need to take this managing job.
I don't care.
Just get out of here.
And never come back.
I'll take care of Michael.
Well, Vince, I hope you like your going-away party.
The theme is leftover decorations from every holiday.
Also, heads up, Shabaz insisted we hire him as a mime.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Have you heard from Matthew? - Well, actually, he texted me.
Baseball emoji, eyeroll emoji.
Ouch.
Ugh, well, send him a waving good-bye emoji, I guess.
Hey, great party! [CHUCKLES] Uh, Vince, do you have a second? - Yeah.
- Dana, it's a party.
Don't bother Vince with boring accounting stuff.
Okay.
Um, I was just gonna say that I think it's very cool that you're following your dreams.
And at the risk of sounding unprofessional, good luck in the upcoming fiscal quarter.
Thank you.
That's very nice of you to say.
I appreciate that.
Oh, and if I ever finish your detective novel, I will be sure and email you my thoughts.
- Aw.
- But I like it, yeah.
- I like it.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] Well, I guess I will see you out at the "par-tay.
" - Yes! - Okay, hey, don't do anything - I would do.
- [GIGGLES] Yes! [LAUGHS] - Oh, my God.
- What? - Dana likes you.
- [SNORTS] - Me? - Mm-hmm.
[SNORTS] Nah, come on.
I mean, what would make you think that? Uh no.
And you like Dana? Ugh, you could not be leaving at a better time.
Okay, but I [CHUCKLES] Nah.
Well, guys, almost time for me to go.
As you know, I'm about to head out and do something that I'm really excited about, which is a new feeling.
I'm not used to things working out for me, so I appreciate you guys supporting me.
It's the right move for you, Vince.
You can finally get into white women.
And in Baton Rouge, you'll be at least a six.
- At least.
- [CHUCKLES] Aren't mimes not supposed to talk? Damn it, it's the one thing I always forget.
Yep.
Which brings me to my brother, Matthew.
As some of you know, we had a pretty - public fight the other day.
- Well, it's not a fight if one person just gets beat up.
That's an ass-kicking.
[ALL LAUGH] Anyway, the point is, he's in charge now.
And I would hope you guys could treat him with more respect than you treated me with.
- [PHONE BUZZES] - Oh.
Well, looks like my uberPOOL has arrived.
So, just want to say one last thing.
Um - I'm gonna miss you guys.
- Aw, of course.
[SOFT MUSIC] - Yeah.
- [CLEARS THROAT] Ooh.
[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna miss you, too.
I got you something for your nightstand.
- Aw.
- I stole this frame from the living room.
I threw out that picture of that old, ugly man.
- That was that was my father.
- Oh, that's But I love it.
This is this is great.
Thank you.
You see that? Okay, well [IMITATES WHIP CRACKING] - [ALL OOHING] - Nice.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go - manage a baseball team.
- All right, buddy.
Go get 'em! [GROOVY MUSIC] Bye, Vince.
Damn it, no talking, Shabaz! Jeez! Michael, your dinner's getting cold.
Vince, if you can hear me wherever you are, drop dead.
I hope you're happy.
Gregg doesn't want to see me again because we have too much family drama.
And he's moving to LA to be on the family drama "Family Drama"! Don't blame me.
Blame Vince.
He's the one who wanted to have it all.
Only women can do that.
Matthew, you can't stay mad at Vince forever.
What happens when he comes home in October? Uh, he won't be able to come inside - because I changed the locks.
- Look.
Baseball is what Vince has always wanted to do.
That'd be like me telling you you can't go to the aquarium and touch the stingrays anymore.
Well, maybe if a baseball felt anything like a stingray, that wouldn't be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[SCOFFS] [WINDOW RATTLES] - [GASPS] - Oh, God.
Sounds like someone's trying to break into my room.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] [SCREAMS] It's the Slender Man! - [GUNSHOT] - Ow, mother(BLEEP)! BOTH: Vince! Vince, I am so sorry, but why were you breaking into my window? You know women stalk me.
I tried the front door, but you changed the locks.
Okay, well, look at the bright side.
The doctors were saying had your penis been longer, you would have been in real trouble.
What? No, I felt it.
- It def grazed me.
- Vince, why did you come back? When I left, I said it was because the managing job meant that things were finally working out for me.
But then I got down there, and I realized that things were already working out.
With you guys.
- Even when I shot you? - No, I hated that.
But I love all the other times.
[KNOCK AT DOOR] Sir, visiting hours are over.
Your assailants will have to leave.
Oh, we're not just his assailants.
He's my dad.
Dad? [CHUCKLES] You just called me Dad.
Yeah, but let's not make a whole meal out of it.
Sir, is your assailant pretending to be your son? - No, no, no, he is my son.
- I am.
You see, 15 years ago, I made a choice, a choice that's haunted me - every waking - Sir, the Staten Island ferry just crashed into Chelsea Piers.
- I don't have time for this.
- Yeah, hey, can you just give us a second? I'll donate blood.
So, Michael.
Notice you've been posting some inspirational quotes on Insta.
- Things okay with Gregg? - I can't believe I'm saying this, but, who Gregg? Ah.
Sorry, dog.
But if it helps I always thought he was just a pretty face.
- [CHUCKLES] - But man, what a face.
See, Matthew? That's how you make someone feel better.
Shading the person that rejected you.
No, I'm too nice to throw shade.
Unless it's holding a parasol over an old woman.
Too nice? You just shot me.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
So think about that next time you try and leave.
Well, I'm not going anywhere.
I got metal in my leg, so it'll be pretty hard to get on an airplane.
Hey, uh, that was here when they wheeled me in.
No way, how'd they know I like Jell-O? Oh, can we order nachos? Ugh, that's not how a hospital works.
Actually, I don't know that for a fact, let's try.