Chappelle's Show (2003) s01e07 Episode Script

Wu-Tang Consulting Firm

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start the show.
Dave Chappelle!
Good evening.
Welcome back, guys,
how ya been?
Guys, I was out last night,
had a pretty good time,
and I saw that mad dash.
You know, the mad dash
at the end of the night
when guys are really scrambling
to get some booty?
And it's like a game,
and the shot clock
is running out.
It's like
football or something.
Well, if you come up
under incredible odds,
that means that you've had
a Great Moment
in Hook-Up History,
and I salute you,
and I salute all
who have had a Great Moment
in Hook-Up History.
1983, historic Applecrumby's,
the setting for yet another
classic stand-off between
sworn rivals,
just the sort of stand-off
that creates classic
hook-up moments.
Bobby Hutchinson
had spent the night
trying to rush his way
to pay dirt, Gina Morris.
Both prior attempts
by Bobby were stuffed
by the tough defensive line
that Morris traveled with,
left guard, Carol Deitrich,
and right guard,
Denisha "Bear" Bryant,
a tandem that had racked up 14
cock blocks just a year earlier.
With the defense
momentarily sidelined,
Bobby struck quickly,
approaching the coveted Morris
and winning her over with
one of his hysterical
video game references.
You give me
Pac-Man fever.
With the defense returning
and time running out,
Bobby went into
his hurry-up offense.
Slowly but surely, Hutchinson
wore down the defensive line
with shots up the gut.
With time running out,
Hutchinson went for
the game-winning score.
Gina, why don't you
just come home with me?
No, we promised each other
we'd all leave here together.
His attempt was blocked.
But Hutchinson recovered
the block and exploited
the defense's
biggest weakness.
You know, I got some
pizzas at the crib.
All right.
I don't want no pizza.
And some weed, too.
A'ight, yeah.
Hutchinson knew
he was home free.
Victory was assured.
That night, Bobby and Gina
had drunken sex
on top of her two
passed-out friends,
technically making
it a four-way.
Bobby Hutchinson, yet another
great player responsible
for a Great Moment
in Hook-Up History.
Them clothes
were a throwback.
I look like Turbo
from Breakin'.
I really got into
that character, too.
'Cause after we was done
shooting, I cleaned up the set.
I'm serious, they rolled
camera on it.
And now, folks, it is time
for a segment that I like
to call "Real Movies,"
where you show the real version
of what would happen in some
of our favorite movies.
You know, a lot
of these movies
get to be a little
fake and phony,
like you see home alone,
and Macaulay Culkin
is trickin' these bad guys,
when you know any real robber
would've shot the little dude
in the first five minutes,
roll credits, the end.
So we like to show what
would really happen in some
of our favorite movies,
starting tonight
with The Matrix.
(phone ringing)
(man) Hello, Neo, do
you know who this is?
Yes, I've been
looking for you, Neo.
I don't know if you're ready
to see what I want to show you,
but, unfortunately, you
and I have run out of time.
They're coming
for you, Neo,
and I don't know what
they're going to do.
Who's coming for me?
Stand up and
see for yourself.
I can guide you
out of there,
but you must do
exactly as I say.
The cubicle across
from you is empty.
Go, now!
Stay there.
When I tell you,
go to the end of the hall.
Stay as low
as you can.
There is a black man sitting at
a desk directly to your right.
Look at him.
It's Earl, nigga,
I need your stapler.
I can't find mine.
Hello, dumb-dumb,
do you know who this is?
Dude, you totally got me.
All right, gang, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back
with Chappelle's Show.
(cheers and applause)
You know, folks,
in an earlier episode,
we were talking about just
the entrepreneurship
of all these
hip-hop cats, man.
These rappers got their
hands in everything.
So I'm home the other day,
and I caught this commercial
I don't know
if y'all have seen it
but this bugged me out.
(announcer) The most
precious thing in the world
is the financial security
and well-being of your family.
You wanna send your little
ones to the best schools,
and in the end,
know that you've left
them with peace of mind.
Nowadays we all know that cash
rules everything around us:
Cream, get the money,
dollar-dollar bill, y'all.
That's why it's time to enter
the 36 Chambers.
Come step to the "Wu",
Wu-Tang Financial.
At Wu-Tang Financial,
we'll work with you
to devise the best plan
for you and your fam.
I mean, Smith Barney
bunch of bitches.
Old-time farts.
You gotta know how
to jack this shit.
You gotta play
this game rough.
In, out, get,
grab, bonk.
You need to diversify
your bonds, nigga.
Military shit
is blowin' up.
We about to go to war,
invest in some nuclear bombs.
This ain't
Trading Places, nigga.
This is real
fucking life!
Protect your goddamn
neck, a'ight?
Wu-Tang Financial,
a place for you and your kids.
All of our trusted consultants
are here to meet your needs.
Unfortunately, the Ol' Dirty
Bastard couldn't make it today,
but he sends his regards:
So call us,
because at the end
of the day,
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with.
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with.
Wu-Tang Clan
ain't nothin' to fuck with.
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with.
Wu-Tang Clan
ain't nothin' to fuck with.
step to the "Wu",
Wu-Tang Financial.
Now, who could forget the
timeless classic, Pretty Woman,
where Julia Roberts
plays a prostitute
that lucks up and
meets a millionaire,
and they fall in love?
Well, let's see what would
happen in the real version
of Pretty Woman.
I worked at a couple
of fast-food places.
Parked cars
at wrestling.
I couldn't pay the rent.
And I was too
ashamed to go home.
That's when I met Kit.
She was a hooker and
made it sound so great.
You've gotta get
the fuck outta here.
Hey, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
and I promise
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
The greatest show.
Hey, gang.
Hey, hey, welcome back.
You know, folks,
I'm really tryin'
to encourage dialogue
amongst the diverse array
of people in America,
so it's time again
for "Ask A Black Dude"
with none other than comedian,
Paul Mooney.
Why in the movies is the black
guy the first guy killed?
That happy nigga
that's in that movie where
he heals all white people,
the big black runaway.
He was throughout
the whole movie.
He only got killed
at the end
which I hated,
I hated that movie
'cause I hated him,
and I hated everybody
that wrote that movie.
Black people are always worried
about, like in Barbershop.
They better be worried about
what they say in white films.
White films go
all over the world.
'Cause I remember
the Godfather,
and I won't forget the
when they had the drug
scene and they said,
"well, we don't do that,
sell it to the niggers."
They shoulda had somethin'
to say about that.
Are your
cameras still on?
Black people wanna
go to black dentists,
and do black people wanna
get buried by black
That's funny,
Stephen King.
He almost said, "nigger,"
I read between 'em.
I always thought
dentists were dentists.
I wasn't into black and
white dentists, please.
If they can fix the teeth, cool.
If they can't, that's cool, too.
That's kind of
a weird question,
and coming from Stephen King,
that was very strange.
Having a horror man come on and
ask a question about a nigger.
That was already scary.
I wrote a script
for Stephen King.
I have a Stephen King
horror movie
Nigger With A Brain.
We'll see how that
scare people.
Niggers In School,
how 'bout that, Stephen?
Sex, sex, sex.
See, the thing about sex
is there's good sex
and there's bad sex.
This next piece is a special
report on some bad sex.
And I mean bad like
Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.
(announcer) And now a News Center
3 special report with Chuck Taylor.
Good evening,
I'm Chuck Taylor.
Tonight's top story
Outrage throughout the community
as yet another sex scandal
involving boys
and men of authority.
Who is it this time,
you ask?
Jedi knights in
a galaxy far, far away.
Many of them are coming
forward with allegations
that the Jedi masters
they studied under
repeatedly sexually molested
them over a number of years
and that the Jedi Council
knew about it all along,
in some cases,
encouraging the abuse.
To clarify, Jedi knights
like young Luke Skywalker
being sexually abused by Jedis
like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Okay, we're getting word
that council leader Yoda
is having a press conference
right now at Skywalker Ranch.
We go there now.
(reporters shouting)
Yoda, isn't it true you knew
of these abuses in 1977?
Know about sex with boys,
Yoda did not.
Tired Yoda is.
he will.
You, you.
Yoda, then how do explain
the recently uncovered tape
that seems to implicate
you in the cover-up
of Jedi boy touching?
Yoda that was not.
Then who was it?
Mickey Rooney, maybe?
Over this
interview is.
Can we roll the footage
of that tape in question?
Appalling Yoda's
behavior was.
Damn it!
Now that freak has me
talking like him.
Okay, I'm being told now that
Mace Windau, Yoda's replacement,
is now at the podium.
We go live.
I would just like to say that
this council has zero tolerance
for any sexual deviancy
regarding our Jedi knights.
Question here.
Mace, do you feel
that the Jedis
who committed these kind
of crimes deserve to die?
Yes, they deserve to die,
and I hope they burn in hell!
Strong words
from Mr. Windau.
News Center 3 has been covering
this story for some time,
and earlier today, I caught
up with the former Jedi knight
who first made
these allegations.
My master said the force
was strong in me
and gave me
a wine cooler.
Then he made me wear
a blindfold
and reach
into his pants to
"look for the force."
Are you sighing, or are you
just breathing normally?
I don't even
know anymore!
Son, I know this is
difficult for you, but
could you show me on the doll
where he touched you?
Point it out.
(breathing heavily)
Can we cut tape?
Miguel, you heard the man.
Cut the goddamn tape!
Just cut it!
I was just young
and curious.
We may never know
what really happened, but
people on the street
have been reacting
to this news all day.
This never would've happened
in the world of Star Trek
'cause the fleet commanders
would not have allowed
you can't prove that!
A simple statement of protest
from an angry young geek.
When we come back
gay droid marriage,
should it be legalized?
This queer couple
says yes.
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
Please, don't go anywhere.
Chappelle's Show. Oww.
Hey, guys, I wanna thank you
all for being with me tonight.
I'd like to thank you at
home for tuning in.
You guys are the greatest.
I'll see you next week,
God willin'.
I'm out.
(cheers and applause)
I'm rich, bi-atch!
(horn honking)
Hi, thank you.
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with.
Wu-Tang Clan
ain't nothin' to fuck with.
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with.
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