Chappelle's Show (2003) s01e08 Episode Script

The Return of Tyrone Biggums

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start the show.
(cheering and applause)
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together
for Dave Chappelle!
(cheering and applause)
thank you so much.
Thanks for joining us,
you guys.
Welcome back to another
episode of Chappelle's Show.
Now, a lot of us
go to the movies
and they seem
a little fake, don't they?
And, certain moments, you can't
suspend your disbelief.
Crocodile Dundee, for example.
Remember when the brother
come up and,
"give me your
money, Crocodile Dundee."
(Australian accent)
"Oh, that's not a knife.
This is a knife."
Any black dude in New York
would have been like,
"well, then this is a gun."
The point is, those movies
are phony baloney,
so tonight I bring
to you the real versions
of some of my favorite movies.
One of my favorite
love movies, Ghost
where you find that
even the afterlife
can't separate
you from true love.
(audience laughing)
Molly, Molly.
Hey, Molly,
your husband's clothes
fit funny, girl.
Well, they look better on you
than they ever did on him.
Why don't you
take 'em off?
Not a bad idea.
You ready to get
some of this lovin'?
You bet
your ass I am.
It's my dumb-ass husband
who's dead, not me.
You ready to step
into the jungle?
Ooh, yeah.
What do you say?
Oh, man!
Oh, nigger,
you know I see you.
You know yeah, I'm looking
right at you.
You, the ghost,
nigger, I see you.
You're freaky, man.
You like to watch?
You wanna watch?
How this make you feel?
(laughter and applause)
Hey, man, life's got
to go on, right?
Life's got to go on,
life's got to go on.
Now, I don't want to
pick on everybody else
without, uh,
making fun of myself, so
let's take a look at
the, uh, real version
of a little movie called
Half Baked, where
I think we all know
the story:
Friend gets locked in jail,
then his three friends have
to sell reefer to make the bail.
Yo, Thurgood.
Yo, wake up, man.
Yo, Kenny didn't
come home last night, B.
We're really
worried, man.
Yo, he's
in jail, yo.
I got it.
Why don't I break into
the lab where I'm working?
They got weed there,
I'll steal it,
we can sell it,
and we'll make his bail.
Psh I don't want
to do that.
No, man.
All right.
Y'all wanna
smoke some weed?
Hell, yeah, B.!
on his own, then.
We need
a new roommate!
Yo, fuck Kenny, B.!
I hope he gets fucked
in his butt in jail!
Kenny, man.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Some skits, bi-atch!
The year was 1955,
and Danny Corey had
never had sex.
In fact, he had
never even kissed a girl.
But all his rookie inexperience
gave him one clear advantage:
A total lack of fear.
When you're
that young and horny
you got nothing to lose.
During a screening of
Rebel Without A Cause,
Corey had a brilliant idea.
Using his Boy Scout
pocket knife,
he quickly carved
a hole in the popcorn tub,
to give his date more
than just popcorn.
This is a brilliant move.
(James "Skank" Scanton) Notice that
he bought the large tub of corn,
he bought butter,
he arranges it on his lap,
smiles at her,
and this is
where it happens,
right here!
She realizes what she's
touching and continues.
just brilliant!
The "penis in the popcorn"
is a classic
that has set
a new standard
for reckless and desperate
men everywhere.
And we, including myself
that's how I got this
wish to thank Danny Corey.
(narrator) Danny Corey would
go down as a hook-up legend,
joining Harvey Randolph,
the inventor of
the "we're out of gas" move,
and Joey Newsom,
the inventor of the seemingly
platonic sleepover
that ends in dry-humping
and, eventually, insertion.
All of them great men,
all of them pioneers.
This has been
all right, y'all, look,
we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
Man, I'm bored.
I gotta go to
the Chappelle's Show.
Good evening,
I'm Kent Wallace.
Since its inception,
Hollywood has often been
accused of racism.
But is it racist?
And if so,
who are the culprits?
Frontline embarked on a journey
to answer these questions
and what we
uncovered may shock you.
(Kent Wallace) For years,
"Rin Tin Tin" was adored by
countless Americans
for his TV exploits.
Who stole the silver?
12 of them?
Good boy, Rin.
His acts of heroism
and undying loyalty
to his master were
his trademarks.
That is, until recent
allegations surfaced.
This is Justin Wilkes,
a security guard
in Montgomery, Alabama.
For three decades,
he has waged
a personal crusade
against the canine star.
That dog that you call
"Rin Tin Tin", I call "racist".
I saw the show.
I saw the dog.
I said, "where do
I know this dog from?"
And it hit me.
Selma, Alabama, 1957 riots,
in front of Woolworth's!
So, you're saying
that's you in the classic
civil rights footage.
Okay, see, that's
a discrepancy right there.
What you calling "classic
civil rights footage,"
I call "footage of me
getting bit on my ass
by a German Shepherd from
Dusseldorf, Germany."
If you would like to see,
there's actually bite marks
on my ass that can prove it.
We hunted down
the dental records
of the dog who played
Rin Tin Tin.
A few days later,
Mr. Wilkes returned,
and a canine dental
expert compared
the records with his scar.
This is, uh, most definitely
a match right here.
What I say?
Come on, what did
I say?
That opened the floodgates.
In subsequent weeks,
more African-Americans
came forward with similar
against iconic animals,
breaking decades of silence.
Mr. Ed.
I worked with him
for two years.
That disgusting,
bigot-ass horse!
Mr. Ed, take four.
Oh, I better
get out of here.
Took ya I-I-long
enough, n-n-nigger.
I'll cut you,
I'ma cut you, do you hear me?
Boys, get her away
from me!
I know
where you live, Mr. Ed.
I'm gonna cut you.
There were also many rumors
of his off-camera activities.
Frontline was sent,
this picture with this
not-so-subtle note attached:
"Dear Frontline,
this is Mr. Ed."
But worse than Mr. Ed,
worse even than Rin Tin Tin,
were the accusations
lobbed at Flipper.
It's James,
the nigger-hating dolphin!
Get out!
(dolphin squeaking)
none of the animals in question
are alive to offer a rebuttal.
However, the estate of Mr. Ed
did issue this statement:
"We deeply
regret the way Mr. Ed
"was taken advantage of
by the Klan.
"If it's any consolation,
his best friend was
the Black Stallion."
Next time on Frontline,
we expose
racist Hollywood automobiles,
and hear disturbing audio
from the hit TV show
Knight Rider.
(Kitt) Puerto Ricans are lazy, Michael.
I'm Kent Wallace.
Good night.
Ever see that movie
with Mel Gibson,
uh, What Women Want,
where he could read
women's minds?
See, that's
the kind of movie you could
only do with a guy
like Mel Gibson.
You couldn't do
the opposite of that movie,
What Men Want, 'cause it'd be
too gross and disgusting.
I wonder what
it'd look like?
Well, let's take a look
at what it'd look like.
(elevator bell rings)
Man, if I could just slide
a finger down
the crack of that ass.
Oh, mama.
I wish my boys
could see this.
Damn, look at the ass
on that one.
I want to have
doggy-style sex with her, ugh.
Oh, oh, baby!
Look at
them nipples, man.
(elevator bell rings)
(boy) I would put a
hurtin' on that bitch.
(elevator bell rings)
And on that note, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back, everybody,
with more Chappelle's Show.
Stick around.
Turn on your TV.
Oh, man, thanks.
You know, way back on
the second episode,
I did this piece
about a, uh a crack addict
coming to a drug-awareness
week at a school.
I got a lot
of complaints about it.
I got a lot of letters
about it.
A lot of people said
I was insensitive, so
I brought him back again
to the show.
Make some noise
Tyrone Biggums.
Okay, okay, remember now, we're
not here to judge anybody,
we want to handle
this with love, right?
You want to tell him how his
drug abuse has hurt you,
and he hurt himself, okay?
Harold, what time did you
tell him to be here?
5:00, but he's
always late.
No, he'll be here
in three, two, one
is this the 5:00
free crack giveaway?
He's been away for a while
but he's back around
y'all tell anybody,
I'll kill ya!
I'll kill ya!
The kookiest crackhead
in the town
peanut butter
and crack sandwich.
He kicked his habit
back in the joint
now he's back on point.
Look out, crack,
here I come!
He's finally home,
he's Tyrone.
(narrator) This week, Tyrone
gets invited to an intervention.
Oh, ya lock
the door, good idea.
Okay, Tyrone, do you know
why you're here?
Mm-hmm, I'm here for
same reasons you is, man,
I want some crack.
Okay, Tyrone, we are not
giving crack away today.
Uh-huh wha
no, no.
What time is it?
It's 5:00.
Did I miss the 5:00
free crack giveaway?
Tyrone, Tyrone, these are
your friends here,
and they have something
they'd like to say to you.
I've been tricked!
Okay, Tyrone,
I'm what is known as
an intervention counselor.
Yeah, and these people
would like to talk to you
about your drug use.
What are you
talking about, man?
I don't do drugs.
What y'all tell
him, huh?
Come on,
Benedict Arnolds!
What y'all tell him?
Rhonda, would you
like to go first?
This is ridiculous.
What is going on
in here?
Do we get
crack at the end?
Tyrone, you know
I love you,
but I feel like
drugs is hurting you
and they're hurting me.
Tyrone, I was very hurt that
you carjacked me that time.
What you talking
about, Rhonda?
I would never
carjack that ugly-ass car.
Get out the car!
Tyrone, what
are you doing?
Who's Tyrone, huh?
I don't know
No, it's you with your
crusty-ass lips!
Stop playin', Rhonda,
get out the car!
Get out the car!
I don't
know any Tyrone!
Look, the police found
you three hours later
in my car, asleep,
high on crack.
That's impossible,
How can you sleep
if you're high on crack, hmm?
It's a Chinese riddle
for you.
Okay, let's have, uh,
Jenny and Rob.
I ain't do
that, Rhonda.
Tyrone, we opened
our home to you.
You let your addiction
lead you to abuse
our trust.
Oh, Jenny, R-Rob,
look, y'all,
it's me you're talking to,
I I would
never hurt you.
Oh, don't play dumb
with us, Tyrone.
I remember
the whole speech.
I just need $200, I take
these real estate classes,
and I'm back on
my feet, baby.
I'm serious, Rob,
it's me, baby,
it's Tyrone.
I'm cleaning up my act.
Rob, Jenny, y'all ain't gonna
be sorry about this.
(Tyrone) I studied my ass
off for that real estate test.
We're off
to my mother's.
We'll be back
Sunday evening.
The number's on the fridge
if you need anything.
Okay, bye, Jenny,
bye, Rob.
I passed my test and was
a certified real estate agent.
Good for you,
Yeah, damn right,
good for him.
(rob) He sold our house
and kept the money.
Where's the money,
He spent it on a party.
Took out an ad
for it in the paper.
You didn't get your
invitation for that party?
Oh, Rob, you should
have seen it,
we had a pile
of crack this high.
I had a heart attack.
Heart attack, yeah.
I'll give you
a heart attack!
Rob, Rob, Rob!
Come on,
come on
I'm getting a restraining
order against you, Rob.
Harold, why don't
you go next?
All right.
Tyrone, I'm here
because I love you.
Well, if you love me
so much, Harold,
why'd you get me fired
from the post office, huh?
Do you know how many
people on your route
of receiving open mail?
136, Tyrone.
And then there was
the incident with the powder.
Attention, everybody,
be on the lookout
for any envelopes marked
"Senator Tom Daschle"
or "Tom Brokaw".
It might contain Anthrax.
For your information,
that's a little white powder.
is Anthrax bad?
Yes, Tyrone.
And if it fell into
the wrong hands
it could be big trouble.
I got that Anthrax
and it's the bomb, baby.
60 bucks!
If that man hadn't
turned you in,
it would've
been a disaster.
Y'all act like crack
is so bad!
Well, like
the Good Book says:
Let he who is without sin,
throweth the first rock
and I shalt smoketh it.
Basically, Tyrone,
we would like you to check
into rehabilitation immediately.
All right, okay,
fine, fine.
You know what?
I need to get better,
y'all are right.
But first step is first,
I need to go to the bathroom,
and then I'm on my way
to recovery, Rhonda.
I got the key.
And that wasn't me,
Go to the bathroom!
Okay, thank I've got
it from here, thank you.
I'll be right out.
Oh, why didn't they say there
ain't no windows in here?
Here goes nothin'!
Drugs have
ruined my life!
He's finally home,
he's Tyrone.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
but don't worry,
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
I'd like to thank my studio
audience for hangin' out,
and, of course,
I'd like to thank you at home.
God bless ya, and I'll
see ya next week.
God bless America!
(cheering and applause)
I'm rich,
(horn honking)
Hi, thank you.
We're really worried
about him, Thurgood.
What happened
to him?
Yo, he's
in jail, yo.
My God, jail.
Hey, hey, why don't we break
into that lab where I work?
They got weed there.
We'll sell the weed
and make his bail.
No, man.
Yo, why don't we
sell crack, yo?
That's a lot
more lucrative.
Hell, yeah, baby.
We can grab some booty.
We're gonna sell
some crack.
Crack it is!
We're crack
dealers, man!
Yo, let's be
crackheads, yo.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode