Chappelle's Show (2003) s01e11 Episode Script


Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
Dave Chappelle!
(cheers & applause)
What's up, guys?
And ladies,
excuse me.
Man, y'all,
my album collection
just keeps growing.
I just got that 50 Cent.
It's hot!
He got the streets on fire.
And it's them
mix tapes, too,
that's how he came up,
with them mix tapes.
But you know what it is?
Now that he came out
with them mix tapes
and that DVD he had
and his album,
now everybody's
trying to do it.
So, it's like,
record labels is just signing
anybody from the streets
thinking it's gonna be
the next 50 Cents.
That's ridiculous.
I got one DVD
in the mail from a
I don't even know who sent it
to me, but it was crazy.
Let me see this.
Yeah, it's going down,
you know how I get down.
Funkmaster Flex and be clear,
all the big dogs know
that my man Fisticuff
rules the streets.
And if you haven't heard that
joint, "Turn My Headphones Up",
you need to get with it,
act like you want it.
Watch out for your mind,
all this is hot.
Turn my headphones up!
I'm serious, nigger,
turn them shits up!
Turn 'em up!
Hold up
I'm serious, nigger,
I can't hear outta this ear,
turn my headphones up.
I stabbed
a brother in the neck
with a butter knife
for Fisticuff.
Just 'cause.
It ain't goin' platinum,
it's goin' double uranium, son.
Uranium, ya heard?
We poppin' bottles,
stabbin' people, killin' people.
Unh, yeah
Hold up, nigger, I can't hear
out of my left headphone.
This one, nigger,
this is my left, turn it up!
Why you drop
the beat out, man?
A'ight, here I go.
You ready to
rock it?
You ready to see how
we do on the streets?
All right,
make that beat drop.
Nigger, I said drop,
not drumroll.
The ghetto,
it's understood what this is,
holla at ya boy!
I'm sayin', nigger,
you can't just put velvet
in the shit and think
they nice headphones!
Where's my snares?
Where's my snares?
One, two, one, two.
I'ma drop it like this,
I'ma drop it like this,
hold up, y'all.
I'ma drop it like this,
I'ma drop it like this.
Unh hold it.
Turn my left headphone
up a little more.
(man) If you don't know
about Fisticuffs by now,
something's wrong with you.
He's got the illest
joint out right now.
He's crazy with it,
"Turn My Headphones Up."
Nigger, I'm serious, I can't
hear out of my left headphone.
Turn that shit up!
Okay, now, let that beat
ride like that.
That's right, here I come.
I'm gettin' ready to drop it,
y'all ready?
Oh, nigger,
just dropped the beat out.
Oh, here we go,
here's the real deal.
Unh unh!
Pump up that bass,
pump up that bass!
Pump it up, unh!
From the
what happened?
Oh well, is the beat
gonna stop?
His lyrics are so tight,
they don't even have to rhyme.
And the word on the street
is late night,
one night in the ghetto,
my man got shot in his ear
like, eight times.
Nigger, I can't hear,
turn up my headphones!
Turn 'em up,
turn them shits up!
Put some treble in it.
Put some treble in it,
that's my word.
All right, here we go
hold up, nigger,
I need some water.
My throat's dry.
Well, how the fuck
do you expect me to rhyme
if I can't talk, nigger?
I'm thirsty.
What is this,
jail, motherfucker?
Cop the album that you need,
"Turn My Headphones Up,"
it's on
"Headphone Records," baby.
There's a lot of heat
right here.
Turn 'em up.
Turn them shits up.
Not for real, nigger,
I'm sayin' on the paper,
I'm writin'!
Yo, Fisticuff, if you need
some new artistes, we down.
I'm killin' people,
we drinkin' malt,
we bangin' chicks
with no rubbers.
Left my bling-bling at home.
We keepin' it gangsta.
You heard, what?
You heard?!
(man) Go get the biggest
album of the year, baby!
(cheers & applause)
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
We'll be right back with more
Chappelle's Show.
You heard?!
(cheers & applause)
This ain't neo soul
this is "De La Soul"
three types of light
without the lime
giving you intelligent shit
with a fourth of grime
timely shit
from time after time
or like that Brooklyn nigger
said, "igger-n I'm"
L.L.'s finest
with plug 1, 2 and 3
nigger, Dave Chap "P"
right behind us.
Man, I'm bored.
I gotta go to
the Chappelle's Show.
Welcome back.
Welcome back to
Chappelle's Show.
I gotta tell you,
I'm real grateful
that I had an opportunity
to do this show.
And one of the things it's
given me an opportunity to do
is give back.
I recently joined
the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
And I've had an opportunity
to meet
some extraordinary
young people.
And, uh, well,
here's one of their stories.
Oh, good,
you're awake.
I have a surprise
for you, sweetie.
More applesauce?
No, this is a good one.
You know how your favorite
movie is Half Baked?
What if I told you
Dave Chappelle is here?
Where, mommy?
Come on in, Dave.
He's right here.
Hey, your mom told me
you were sick,
so I figured I'd
come by and pay you a visit.
I'll leave
you two alone.
Okay, thanks.
So what you got here,
some Playstation?
Street Hoops,
wanna play?
I'm warning you, though,
I'm pretty good.
I don't know
if I can take
losing to a little
guy like you.
Come on,
it's just a game.
All right, come on,
let's play.
Yeah, let's go.
All right, I'm player one,
you're player two.
Okay, I think I've
done this before.
Oh ah, 1-0, 1-0.
That's two,
that's me.
Two up
not for long.
Oh okay.
Come on, Billy.
Hooray for me!
"Hooray for me."
All right, fine,
you little bitch.
You ain't scorin'
no more, though.
Come on, ball up.
Gonna steal it,
comin' down.
Billy, look at my game,
it must hurt.
Oh, oh, in your face!
Billy, I'm sorry, man,
I'm sorry, dude.
It was good, though.
It's all me, baby,
here it come.
hooray for me!
Hooray for me,
Billy, in your face!
Children is our future,
my ass!
I'm the future,
I'm the future.
Oh, ah, oh!
You can't deny me, Billy!
You can't deny me,
it's too real for you!
What'd I say, you weren't
gonna score no more.
Tell your little friends
that dreams do come true.
Dave Chappelle came
and saw you in the hospital
and whupped your monkey ass
in some street hoops.
You think it's
my first time?
I got Playstation,
I'm rich.
I'm rich, bitch.
Unh, here it come,
wait oh!
I don't wanna play
You pick them little
sticks up, white boy,
and get to the game.
I have an agenda and
it goes like this oh!
Dave, I don't feel good.
Could you call
the nurse for me?
Yeah, yeah,
are you all right?
Hold hold on.
Nurse, could you come in here,
please, quickly?
Billy is getting his ass
whupped on street hoops,
I need a witness.
Unh oh, dah!
It's so good
(monitor flatlining)
Oh, my God, Billy.
Billy, don't you die on me,
don't you die on me!
(steady beeping on monitor)
You all right, man?
Huh, you okay,
you all right?
Here, grab your sticks,
come on, let's go.
Let's go, I'm whuppin'
that ass now, almost done.
I'm almost done.
in your face!
Oh, Billy, I shoulda
left you dead, baby,
'cause that,
that was a killer.
Dave, can't you see
I'm dying of cancer?
Look, Billy
I'm sorry, man.
Look, I-I wasn't trying to
make you feel bad,
I just I'm just trying
to teach you a lesson.
You can beat cancer
but if you wanna beat it,
you gotta be tough, okay?
And I see it in you, Billy,
you're gonna make it.
Hell no, nigger,
you play like a bitch!
Hold up game!
In your face,
in your face, Billy!
Feel better.
Half Baked sucked,
(cheers & applause)
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back with more
Chappelle's Show.
Aw, that kid is fine,
come on, he was acting.
No, you know when we thought
of that sketch,
we was on the tour bus
playing a basketball game
and that shit get
so emotional,
and I said, "if I was
dying of cancer, nigger,
you would still not
let me win at it."
Then I said, "hey "
Ha-ha, go ahead!
Good afternoon, young man,
can I help you?
Yeah, I was trying to
buy a Gremlin?
Ha ha, I'm just
playin' with you.
Actually, I'm answering
your ad in the paper.
Ah, yes, the ca-me-ra.
The ca-me-ra.
Ah, here it is.
How much did
I say it was?
Well, your ad says $300.
Ah, for you,
I give it to you for 100.
Why, what's
wrong with it?
It has special powers.
It will show you things
some would pay not to see.
Oh, snap,
it gets Comic View?
It will reveal the inner
hearts of mankind.
If you press
this button,
it will reveal
their true self.
If you flip that switch,
it will record their
innermost thoughts.
Flip it one more time,
and you can see the last
person they had sex with.
And with this last switch,
it will show you where
they will be in 10 years.
Damn, man, Sony ain't playin',
let me see that.
You must buy it as is
and once you purchase it,
you may never return
to this store again.
Hold on, let me just think about
that for a second, please.
What kind of policy
is this?
I can't come back in?
Fine, you can't come outside
'cause if it don't work,
I'ma be out there
and whup your monkey ass.
Kick my ass, huh?
Camera works, $100.
Can I get a receipt?
I'm just playin'
all right, man.
Thank you, good luck.
Good luck?
Dave? What's up,
all right, dude,
what's up, man?
Man, I'm just messin'
with this camera.
You mind if I, uh?
All right, cool, man.
What up, Carson Daly?
What's up, Dave?
(loud cheers & applause)
Hey, folks, we're on in 2013.
TRL, Carson Daly.
Will you little fuckers
shut up?!
How excited
can you really be
for a video you've seen
58 times in a row?
All right?
All right, man,
good to see ya.
All right, you too,
man, take care.
Hey, hey,
save your money, dude.
All right.
Man, I look like
that 7-Up guy.
Them white girls
gonna come flockin'.
I've been waiting out here
for 45 minutes.
Oh, I knew I should have
brought a prettier friend.
God, get surgery, bitch,
you're so ugly.
Whoa, I think this Ecstasy's
starting to kick in.
Am I freaking out?
No yeah.
Man, this bitch next
to me needs surgery.
What's your name,
big man?
Oh, uh
I said, what's your name,
big man?
Uh, Dave Chappelle, I'm here
for Ann's birthday party.
Also, I have a show
on Comedy Central,
Wednesdays, 10:30.
(party music)
Yo, Dave,
what's up, man?
Hey, hey.
Thanks for coming to
my girl's birthday party.
And you brought your camera,
that's perfect!
I want you to tape
something, all right?
Excuse me, everybody.
Excuse me, everybody.
If I could have
your attention.
Ann, I have loved you from
the moment that I met you.
Baby, will you
marry me?
Oh, pumpkin!
Dave, I want you to
meet my co-worker, Mike.
Yo, what's up, son
Yo, you a funny dude, man,
you funny.
Look, I'm gonna
be right back.
I'm going to
the dance floor.
Let's dance.
Don't you want me, son?
(white man) And one and
two, and one and two.
Resume, look cool,
and make my face
look na-tur-al.
Hey, you know what, y'all?
I'm gonna just
I'm gonna get some rest.
Good night.
Congratulations, uh
Charlie's girlfriend.
Man, I don't know if I should
mess with this camera thing.
I should just
turn this thing off
and masturbate on the internet
like I planned to.
No, no, fuck it,
I'ma go through with this.
I gotta be a man, I'ma go
through with this.
Hey, hey
hey, man.
Would you like
some more pickles?
I gotta stop drinking.
How excited
can you really be
for a video you've seen
58 times in a row?
What do you want?
I just want to make
a total request live
from my man,
Justin Timberlake.
Justin, it's me,
Dave Chappelle.
Star search, 1992,
I was with you, man,
I was with you.
"Champion Dave Chappelle
receives 31/4 stars"
remember that, Ed McMahon?
God rest his soul,
I'm out.
Oh ohh!
Fuck this camera!
(glass shattering)
Oh, oh
Oh, a camera,
What these buttons do?
I want some crack.
(cheers & applause)
All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But don't go nowhere,
'cause we got
jokes and jokes and jokes.
Be right back.
Going to
the Dave Chappelle show.
How's this?
(cheers & applause)
Folks, this next
musical act
is, like,
good friends of mine.
One of my favorite groups
ever in hip-hop history.
Please, make some noise
for my brothers, De La Soul.
H-h-here we go again,
go again, go again
Yo, it's been instilled in me
since in-fin-ite, y'all
usin' these minutes
like I value the call.
Put your money
in the bank
and hold rank over friends who
ain't got leadership skills.
I got the sheep in
my eye so I can't sleep.
We like to land and lay
the brando way.
Grand operate the
scandal way, el la shikes.
fucking with dice.
I hate losin' to those
who walk away with my dough.
'Cause I dozed
Tracey broke me
and now she wanna see
the resident provokin' me
to pop wheelies on my bicycle,
watch her eyes twinkle.
One house,
two houses, third house.
House rules so house take the
bank, watch Dave bank.
Batter had him on the hawk
since Atlanta extravaganza.
Gamma ray rapper
make the Hulk snap.
Jump back like James Brown.
Hey, now.
When the liquor over,
we smokin' the hey, now.
Delegate numero dos,
I holler out to Sal and Los
and keep the island
close to me
and Dave Chappelle,
the host, you see, yo.
Much more
is what we got
Much more,
just believe me,
than they could
ever see.
Much more than they could see
is how it'll always be.
Believe me.
Ya gotta believe me,
I got verb skills,
babies, and bills.
Your brother who smoked
is still tryin' to
get himself together from it.
No one can quite
run it like me.
I'm on the cutting edge of
what's alleged to be hot
and when you rock
it's just impersonations of me.
The rightest MC.
MP with the "V"
in the middle.
I belittle
your plan courtesy
of the NY dirty "C",
my man.
My base of fans
is made up of many.
We gets allergic to belts.
Lettin' their mind melt
from drinkin' the Henny.
And my straightened-out types
who be waitin' to hear
them drums say
the revolution is near.
Are you listening?
Are your eardrums
open for Christening?
We got by the MCS
with these tools.
While some others
play God,
they just
goddamn fools with it.
I don't cut mics,
I rough mics up.
Rough and rugged
yet the girls still love it.
Still in all, five-o
came to my mic check
tellin' me I left lacerations
around my mic's neck.
Domestically disputed
and you just might get
the undisputed, underdog
serving y'all threat.
Much more is
what we got in store
Much more.
It's much more than
they could ever see.
(cheers & applause)
Folks, I'd like to thank
my guest, De La Soul.
I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
for being here with
me tonight.
And I'd like to thank
you at home for watching.
God bless y'all,
I'm out.
(cheers & applause)
I'm rich, bi-atch!
(horn honking)
Hi, thank you.
(hip-hop music)
It's Fisticuffs.
This is Fisticuffs,
2003, bitch!
Turn 'em up!
Turn your motherfuckin'
stereo up, what?
Turn it up,
I'm serious!
You not gonna hear
the intricacies of the beat
if the volume's so low,
turn it up!
And that, nigger, that's
how you make a hit, bitch!
I am the man!
That's right,
turn 'em up!
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