Chappelle's Show (2003) s01e12 Episode Script

Trading Spouses

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
When the baby was born,
I promised Karen
I'd quit smoking,
but I didn't know how.
Well, that's when a friend of
mine recommended "O'Dweeds".
It's the first brand of
marijuana with no THC.
So, it's like O'Doul's,
but for weed.
Now I can get that
full reefer aroma,
without any of the guilt.
little buddy!
Oh, honey,
I think he likes it.
This reminds me of
when I was a girl
and I used to smoke grass with
all the negro jazz musicians.
Come on, Martha,
now, puff, puff, give.
Come on, you old bitch.
all the reefer,
none of the guilt.
(Jamaican accent)
I know what you're thinking,
but it's "O'Dweeds", man.
Can I hit that?
Go on, take it.
Tastes like the chronic,
and yet it's not.
Wrong bag, man.
(tires screeching)
Forget about your reefer needs,
go ahead and try "O'Dweeds".
From the makers of
the "Crack Patch".
(cheers & applause)
Dave Chappelle!
What's up?
Hey, guys.
Y'know, uh, my wife's
little cousin, Andrew,
put me onto these
And 1 mix tapes,
you ever seen those?
It is like the hottest
thing you ever seen.
These basketball tapes
is the bomb.
They got some of
the nastiest street players
I've ever seen in my life.
Go ahead,
show 'em some of that And 1.
(audience laughing)
(cheers & applause)
Aw, that was just
as dope as that was,
the new And 1 mix tape kills it
'cause it does all sports,
not just basketball,
and it's off the hook.
Check it out,
I'm serious.
It only seems like I get
everything that I want
I spit a lot of verbs
Oh, ho!
No, he didn't,
no, he didn't!
Yo, yo,
you ain't seen nothing.
Wait 'til you see him hit,
wait 'til you see him hit!
Wait 'til
you see him hit!
I think it's a distorted mind
but in a way fortified
on the borderline
with so much more to find.
A distorted mind but
in a way fortified
on the borderline
with so much more to find.
The force is mine.
This source
is sure to shine
Not your average human being
the flow is streaming
(cheering & hollering)
flow with the feeling
it's so appealing
Watch this!
Watch him, watch him!
strictly game,
I never miss the pain.
And though people
say I'm insane,
mangle the game, the angle
is to strangle the game
and handle the change
and stay sane and maintain
That's the baddest motherfucker
I ever seen in my life!
And not to be
Yo, with every ounce
of friendship
I support
and back the rhythm.
And every track I give 'em,
I'm just supporting factivism.
In your face
(cheering & hollering)
He jogs at beginner pace
while I win the race.
Lap a flow-flow
I'm fun and being simple
so I had a test of decency.
Hit the studio and fuckin'
manifest the frequency.
Get to truly know us
and you'll get to see
what we can see
(cheering and hollering)
In your face!
Give me a pocket full of
cheese for these club rats
and a big bag of treats
for these club rats.
Yo, fresh dressed
like a million bucks.
Put on my white glow
and my all-white tux.
Smellin' like some angel
in case my dick
get sucked.
You know that usually happens
in the back of the truck.
If I'm packin'
you duck
(cheering & hollering)
My dogs all ready
to bark.
One of my niggers
said he drunk so much
he already about
to fall
Man, you the sickest
I ever seen
in the alley, son!
Wait 'til you
see him play defense,
you ain't seen
nothin', yo!
Yo, stay on your
knees for these club rats.
Don't forget the cheese
'cause they love that.
Give me a pocket full of
cheese for these club rats
and a big bag of treats for
these club rats
Gutterballs, gutterballs
(cheering & hollering)
(cheers & applause)
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all,
but don't despair,
we have jokes and jokes
and jokes and jokes.
I drooled on myself.
Yo, this Talib Kweli,
And this is Mos Def,
Pretty Flaco,
Black Dante,
The Boogieman.
I don't know about y'all,
but I used to play
a lot of basketball on
the playground, growing up.
And every time I would do
something sweet or cool,
I would shout out my favorite
basketball player
'cause I felt like him,
you ever do that?
Well, nowadays, we know
so much about NBA players,
not only can we do that on
the basketball court,
we can do that
in our everyday lives.
And I'll show you how.
you're under arrest.
Rasheed Wallace.
Damon Stoudamire.
My point is, Stevenson,
you're gonna have to show a
little more effort around here.
More effort, huh?
Paul Pierce
Oh, ah.
When are you gonna come
and claim these kids?
Every pro athlete ever.
Wilt Chamberlain.
Dennis Rodman.
Oh, hell, no.
(cheers & applause)
Hey, guys.
Now, recently
recently, People magazine
actually said that my show was
uh, "sub-sophomoric
and immature."
Something like that.
I don't know why they would
say that I'm immature.
But if you think
that my show is immature,
then I would like to dedicate
this next piece
to whoever wrote
that article at People.
Oh Lord
(cheers & applause)
Chappelle's Show,
Hi, and welcome to
"Trading Spouses",
the show where we take
two married couples,
and you guessed it,
make them trade spouses
for a whole month.
Watch the sparks fly today,
because for the first time
on our show,
we're going interracial.
(man) Daddy's going away for
a little while, all right?
I'm gonna live
with a white family.
Y'all be good.
What you goin' be doin'
with a white family?
It's a TV show,
say hi to America.
Anybody try and touch
your mother,
punch him in his dick.
Look, son, dad's going
away for a few weeks.
So, I want you to
be good, okay, squirt?
I love you.
Oh, Eskimo kisses.
You must be
little T-Mart.
Would you like to
call me daddy, hmm?
Is it okay if
I call you Mr. Deez?
Mr. Deez?
Deez nuts!
I-I don't understand.
What's happenin'?
You must be Leonard.
That's right.
Can I call you
Hell no.
Only your mama
calls me daddy.
Here, mop top, take
my bag up to my room.
And if I find out you been
going through my shit,
I'm gonna beat you
in your ass, you understand?
Well, welcome,
it's good to have you here.
It's good to be here,
come on, girl.
Oh oh, yes.
I don't smell
no dinner cooking.
Run on, make some grits.
Run on.
What you cookin'
for dinner, mister?
Oh, yeah, well, I'm glad
you asked, little buddy.
Um, this here is
This is
corned beef hash.
And these are parsnips.
What the fuck
is a parsnip?
just so you know,
Todd would usually do
the dishes after dinner.
Well, just so you know,
his ass will be back
april 13th.
Go on,
do your thing, girl.
Mop top
you do your homework?
Well, go on upstairs
and wash your ass
and then we'll
watch Martin Lawrence.
Want me to light your
cigarette for you too?
You better check
your tone, girl,
get your
inside voice on
before I put your ass
outside, mm.
Racial profiling?
Who the fuck is
Renee "Zellwedger"?
What's wrong, sweetie?
T-Mart's been
back-talking me,
and I need you to
take care of it for me.
excuse me,
I'll be right back.
All right.
You're in big
trouble, mister.
What, you gonna
hit me or something?
You're going on
For 15 minutes, okay?
Starting now,
Time-out is sweet!
Halle Berry,
here I come.
(rap music booming)
Hey, mop top!
What the hell
you listening to?
It's the new 50 Cent.
I'm from
the streets, man.
Come on,
get in the car.
G-g-g-g-g-g get yo' ass
in the car, go on!
Well, here you are, mop top,
home sweet home, the 'hood.
All right,
little fella,
say hello to your
people for me.
And tell 'em
when you see 'em,
that Leonard Washington is
glad he made it out, go on.
Go on.
And if you need money,
sell rocks,
I heard that's what
they do around here.
What the hell is this?
Damn, bitch, what's this,
a light saber or something?
Do you wanna have
sex with me, Todd?
Yes, I would
like that very much.
Uh, excuse me.
Do you mind if I turn off
this R&B music?
I kinda wanna
hear you breathing.
All right.
Uh, do you wanna take off
your pajama bottoms?
Actually, I'd feel more
comfortable if I just
pulled my penis
through this hole.
I'm sorry, baby,
I don't go South of the border.
That's just one thing that
Leonard Washington don't do.
But but, Leonard,
it's okay, I'm waxed.
Now, I done heard of
trimming the hedges,
but you done
scorched the earth.
I smell your
light saber.
Light saber?
Leonard and I hardly
even talk anymore.
The other night he came home
at three in the morning.
I had no idea
where he was.
He uses profanity
around Jeffrey.
I just don't feel
like we're sharing.
I don't feel like there's
any reciprocity there.
(therapist) How do you feel
about all this, Leonard?
Bitch, I'll never
forgive you for this.
Go on, get in the car,
warm it up.
This is good,
you can let out
whatever you feel
in here, Leonard.
All right, I'ma tell you
right now, I ain't crazy,
I don't need no
And if you ever tell
anybody I've been in here,
I'll fuckin' kill ya.
It's confidential
here, Leonard.
I won't tell anyone,
it's just between us.
Well then,
I am crazy, and I'll
fuckin' kill ya.
Well, it's been
a wild and crazy month.
Let's see what our interracial
families have learned.
I learned
a lot from Sharron
and I learned a lot
from little T-Mart.
And quite frankly,
I'll miss them both very much.
And for the first time
in my life
I tasted brown sugar,
and not in my oatmeal.
Yeah, being on this show
taught me that,
no matter where you come from,
you know what I'm saying?
Or what color your skin is,
we all pretty much do
the same things in life.
Raise our kids, make love from
time to time, and wash.
Speaking of which,
I learned that white people
don't use washcloths.
Did you know that?
I'm serious, they have
one bar of soap in the house.
Every time I used it, somebody
else's pubic hair was in it.
So use the cloth.
Why your ass got to put
the raw bar of soap
in your butt and all this?
Maybe I need to wash my face
or my feet.
Todd and Leonard are
very different.
Although Len is
the love of my life,
in a different world,
I could see myself with Todd.
Although the
penis-through-the-hole thing
was kind of weird.
And I am missing
some of my draw's.
Oh, my gosh
Titty residue
Hello hello?
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break,
but don't go anywhere
'cause we're coming right back
with more Chappelle's Show,
I promise.
So I got a little
riddle for you.
What happens when you take
two of Brooklyn's finest MCs
and put them together
in a group?
Well, then you have
my next guests.
Make some noise, Mos Def,
Talib Kweli Black Star.
(cheers & applause)
This is a real
nigga PSA.
From the Black Star
embassy in Brooklyn
"What is Beef?"
Yo, I was sold to a sick
European by a rich African.
Battlin' middle passages
I can't go back again.
Battlin' years
of denied history,
lives were mysteries,
wise and misty eyes
watchin' they niggas
be beaten viciously.
Battled in the wilderness
of North America.
Ran by the river
only stoppin' to pray.
Chased by predators,
terrorists with etiquette
who vote and kill
their president.
Their capacity for evil
so evident and prevalent.
Ain't no hesitation involved.
A nation dissolved
while we sit back
waitin' to evolve.
Those who would trade in their
freedom for their protection
deserve neither.
Fuck a name.
Fuck tradition,
religion, we learn Jesus,
turn the other cheek,
inherit the earth
just stay meek.
Fuck the way you speak.
Try to walk we chop off
your feet.
Fast forward to 2003
niggas beef, the psychology.
A Trojan, a slave
that run deep, yo.
Hell, yeah
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.
What's beef?
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.
That's beef.
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It's always your own people.
Sometime it's your own people
Yeah, yeah.
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.
What's beef?
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.
That's beef.
Hell, yeah,
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It's always your own people.
Sometime it's your own people.
Yo, beef is not what
Jay said to Nas.
Beef is when workin'
niggas can't find jobs.
City tryin' to find
niggas to rob.
Tryin' to find bigger guns
so they can finish the job.
Beef is when the
crack kids can't find moms
'cause they in a pine box
or locked behind bars.
Beef ain't
the Summer jam for Hot 97.
Beef is the cocaine
and AIDS epidemic.
Beef don't come
with a radio edit.
Beef is when the judge is
calling you defendant.
Beef, it come with
a long jail sentence
handed down to you in a few
short minutes.
Beef is when your girl
come through for a visit
talkin' about, "I'm pregnant
by some other nigga."
Beef is high blood pressure
and bad credit.
Need a loan for your home
and you're too broke to get it.
And all your little kids
is doin' is gettin' bigger.
You try not to raise 'em
around these wild niggas.
Beef is when a gold digger
got your seed in her,
a manicured hand out
like "pay me, nigga
"or I'm tellin'
your wife
or startin' up some foul rumor
that'll ruin your life."
Beef is when a gangsta
ain't doin' it right
and other gangstas
then decided
what to do with his life.
Beef is not what these
famous niggas do on the mic.
beef is what George Bush
would do in a fight.
Beef is not what
Ja said to 50.
Beef is Walt and Irv
not bein' here with me.
When a soldier ends his life
with his own gun,
beef is tryin' to figure out
what to tell his son.
Beef is oil prices
and geopolitics.
Beef is Iraq,
the West Bank and Gaza Strip.
Some beef is big
and some beef is small,
but what y'all call beef
is no beef at all.
Beef is real life,
happenin' every day
and it's realer than them
songs that you dated K-Slay.
This has been
a Black Star PSA.
From Mos Def
Pretty Flaco, Black Dante
and the Black Star embassy
B to the K.
(cheers & applause)
I'd like to
thank my guests,
Black Star, Mos Def
and Talib Kweli.
God bless y'all,
God bless America,
God bless the world 'cause
we're in trouble.
I'm out, I'll see you
next year, God willin'!
(cheers & applause)
I'm rich, bi-atch!
(horn honking)
Hi, thank you.
Hold still,
I'm gonna get you!
I got it,
I got it!
I'll rip the
Oh, you ripped
my wig off.
That's a good bit,
we planned that.
Greatest show I've ever
seen in my life.
I-I don't think that
this is gonna work.
You're so much
older than I am.
How old are you?
I'm 35.
I'm 27.
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