Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e01 Episode Script

The Racial Draft

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
What'll it be, guys?
I'll have
a scotch on the rocks.
I'll have
a Samuel Adams.
I'll have
a Samuel Jackson.
You know something?
I'll have
a Samuel Jackson, too.
Me three.
(all laughing)
Three Samuel Jackson's
coming right up.
Good motherfuckin' choice,
Samuel Jackson,
made painstakingly by me,
Samuel L. Jackson.
It'll get you drunk!
You'll be fuckin' fat girls
in no time!
You might even
fight a nigga' or two!
Mmm-mmm, bitch!
How's it taste,
Can you stop
yelling at me, please?
No, I can't stop yelling,
'cause that's how I talk!
You ain't never
seen my movies?!
that was a good one!
"Deep Blue Sea!"
They ate me,
a fucking shark ate me!
Drink, bitch!
"Jurassic Park!"
Samuel Jackson,
it's my beer!
"Yes, they deserved to die
and I hope
they burn in hell!"
Dave Chappelle!
(cheers & applause)
that's right!
That's right!
That's right.
What's up,
Welcome back ohh.
Come on, now,
calm down.
We don't have
that much time.
Thank you.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
you are seeing correctly,
I am smoking on television.
I am smoking indoors,
you know why?
Because I didn't
vote for Bloomberg.
Those of you across the nation
who don't know who Bloomberg is,
he is the mayor of this
great city of New York.
I'm fighting!
got to do it.
You know, this Bloomberg guy
has messed everything up!
are $8 a pack!
That's crack prices!
People gonna be sucking dicks
for cigarettes soon!
It's ridiculous.
And then
once you buy a pack,
you can't even
smoke inside.
I can't stand it anymore.
I can't stand it,
I'm fighting!
That's right!
It's in my blood.
I have no choice
but to fight,
I'm a genetic dissenter.
That's right,
it's in my genes to dissent.
I'll show you a tape
of my history.
Damn, Bloomberg
is fucking up.
Man, Carter
is fucking up.
Truman is fucking up.
Man, Lincoln
is fucking up.
Son, white folks in general
is fucking up.
Shhh, they coming.
Man, the Chief's
fucking up.
Hey, y'all, look.
It's a boat with some
white people on it.
Y'all wait here,
I'm gonna see what they want.
I fucked up.
Now, a lot of people say,
"Dave, if everybody else
is messing up so bad,
what you think,
you can do better?"
Yes, I do.
That's why I'm gonna
run for mayor or something.
That's right.
(applause & cheering)
Maybe governor
or something else,
you never know.
I made a campaign ad, too,
and I'll show it to you
right now.
This is my first campaign ad,
it'll be on the air soon.
Although America is the greatest
nation in the world,
we still face
many modern problems.
And modern problems require
modern solutions.
Health care
is in shambles.
Medicaid doesn't work,
and the insurance
has made medicine
virtually unaffordable.
our neighbors in Canada
have free health care for
all their citizens.
So what am I suggesting?
Fake Canadian ID cards
for all Americans.
If you get sick,
run on up to Canada and
get yourself checked out.
I'm Dave Chappelle,
and I want to
represent you.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
Don't go anywhere.
Chappelle's Show.
Although America is the greatest
nation in the world,
we still face
many modern problems.
And modern problems require
modern solutions.
Teen pregnancy is a
huge problem in this country.
Now, what we need are
more programs in place
that promote abstinence.
My solution?
Have every
high school principal
have sex with the oldest teacher
in the school
in front of the students.
And make sure you
rub them both with mayonnaise
to accentuate the sound of their
old flesh flapping together.
This powerful image
is sure to be a deterrent
that the children
will never forget.
Goddamn, that's gross.
I'm Dave Chappelle,
and I want to
represent you.
You know, folks,
since I've been
doing this show
a lot of rappers have been
asking me to be in their videos.
Which is nice,
but they always want me
to do dumb stuff.
Like, I'll be like,
"what I gotta do, Snoop?"
"Okay, here it is, Dave,
it's a club scene
"and like, you was dancing
and you slip on a banana peel
"and your face lands in
some doo doo splat.
"Now, you rolling around,
got dookie all over you.
"And then
here I come with my gators on.
"My now and later gators
step over ya.
And all you see is me
walking off in slow motion."
It's like-hold up, nigga,
why can't I be the one
in slow motion?!
I'm tired of being
the one in the doo-doo.
Everything looks better
in slow motion.
This is the truth.
For instance,
here's a tape of me
doing my laundry.
Hey, how you doing,
Mrs. Kim?
Nothing funny about that.
But why don't we
see me do my laundry
in slow motion.
("Enigma - Sadeness" playing)
(audience laughing
& applauding)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing
& applauding)
(audience laughing)
(cheers & applause)
All right
I like it in videos,
whenever you see a club scene
club scene is always
in slow motion.
You know why?
'Cause it's gotta be.
'Cause it sucks to be
in a club in regular life.
Check it out,
this is what it looks like
to be at a club normally.
Hey, come on, man!
Excuse me,
excuse me.
The robot?
You make me sick.
(all gasping)
Sorry about
He's so corny!
Terrible, terrible
what they did to me.
Why don't we take a look at that
in slow motion, though.
(techno music)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing
& applauding)
(slow motion)
I wanna suck your
(audience laughing)
(all gasping)
(heat beating in slow motion)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing
& applauding)
(slow motion)
Me so horny
(man in audience)
(cheers & applause)
Much better.
That was
much better.
Of course, we gotta
remember this concept
is not across the board.
It doesn't work
with everything,
just most things.
Some things look worse
in slow motion.
Like, for instance,
here's a tape of me
taking a shit.
It happens.
Oh, ho ho
Pretty disgusting.
Let's see that same shit
in slow motion.
(loud gurgle)
(cheers & applause)
People be mad about it,
like, R. Kelly,
I seen
R. Kelly in a Chicago.
He was mad at me.
"There ain't
no punch line to that,
"that thing is mad.
How you gonna make a video
about peeing on somebody?"
Nigga, how you gonna make a
video about peeing on somebody?
And on that note,
take a quick commercial break
and we'll be right back
for some more
Chappelle's Show.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
America's #1 source
for offensive comedy.
You know what's cool about
being an American?
We're all mixed up.
I'm talking about
We've all got a little
something in us, right?
And in some people,
it's more than others.
And that's when we
get to arguing.
For instance,
my wife is Asian.
I'm black,
and we argue
about which half of Tiger Woods
is hitting the ball so good.
Derek Jeter
is another guy like that.
Halle Berry is
somebody else.
We've gotta stop arguing
about who was what.
We need to just
settle this once and for all,
we need to have a draft.
That's right,
I said it.
Good evening,
and welcome to the first
and maybe only Racial Draft
here in New York City.
Folks, this is for
all the marbles.
What happens here will
state the racial standing
of these Americans
once and for all.
That's right.
And the crowd is here
to support their races.
Well, Rob, some of
the biggest names in sports
and in entertainment
are on the line tonight.
And I'm excited to see who's
gonna be drafted by which race.
Seated behind me
on the stage there,
are the various
And, believe it or not
the blacks have actually
won the first pick.
Wow, that's the first lottery
a black person's won
in a long time, Billy.
Yes, and they'll
probably still complain.
(chuckling together)
Man, fuck you.
Well, the black
is heading for
the microphone now,
why don't we
take a listen.
We of the Black
choose Tiger Woods.
(Rob) No surprises there, fellas.
The richest and most
dominant athlete in the world.
His father black,
his mother Thai.
Well, that
doesn't matter anymore
because now he is
officially black.
Dave, the Asians
have got to be upset.
(Dave) There's no
question about that, Rob.
But you gotta
think about it.
He's been discriminated
against in his time,
he's had death threats,
and he dates a white woman.
Sounds like
a black guy to me.
Tiger's taking
the stage now,
and if you ask me,
he's looking blacker already.
Ah, I'd like to say,
a tremendous
opportunity for me.
To finally be part of a race
and have a home.
I've been so confused
if I'm half Asian,
so many things.
So long, fried rice,
hello fried chicken.
I love you guys!
(cheers & applause)
Ah, I always wanted to
say this
for shizzle.
Ha ha.
Well, it seems as though
Tiger Woods
is happy to be black
and that's a good thing
because I just
received word
that he lost
all his endorsements.
Ooh, that's a tough one.
Oh, Amex, Tag Heuer,
the whole shebang-a-bang.
Tough break, nigga,
there's always Fubu.
All right,
coming up now are the Jews.
Many have speculated
about their pick.
But I'm guessing
they're gonna pick Madonna
and finish off the job
Kabbalah started.
Yes, well, Rob, she was
born and raised Catholic
then she became a whore,
but over the last decade
she has studied the Kabbalah.
And she even wrote
a Kabbalah children's book.
Oh, here come the Jews.
Why don't we take
a look downstairs.
we, the Jewish people take
Lenny Kravitz.
Wow, in a surprise move
the Jews pick
Lenny Kravitz, folks.
He's actually half-black
and half-Jewish.
His mother was
on "The Jeffersons,"
a pivotal show
in black culture.
And his father, a Jew,
was her lawyer.
Heh, couldn't make that up.
Well, Lenny is
all Jewish now.
Unfortunately, Lenny can't
make it here to accept.
He's in Miami Beach.
Miami Beach?
Well, he must have gotten that
news about being Jewish early.
Ha ha ha
(Dave) All right, the Latins are up now.
Why don't we all take an
escucha to their pick.
We, the Latinos,
Elian Gonzalez.
I don't understand
that one.
We wanted to do this
before the white people
try to adopt him as
one of their own
(loud cheering)
who's turn it is?
White people.
Let's see what direction
they go in.
Halle Berry
is still available,
as is Mariah Carey's
crazy ass.
that's very mature,
Thank you all,
(booing) Good afternoon.
Excuse me.
(clears throat)
Pardon me.
Hey, will you
cut the malarkey?
Okay, I'm talking.
There's a white man
talking up here!
(booing continues)
Thank you
damn it.
We, the White Delegation,
are very proud to announce
our pick this year,
Colin Powell!
Colin Powell
is not white.
He's not even
an eighth white.
He's 100% black.
Last I heard.
Wow, I gotta wonder
how the blacks
are gonna be
taking this one.
We, the Black Delegation,
accept the White Delegation's
offer to draft Colin Powell,
on the condition that they
also accept Condoleezza Rice
as a part of the deal.
By the power invested in me,
by white people everywhere
we accept.
You got yourself
a goddamn deal.
The Black Delegation
requests Eminem.
Wait a goddamn minute,
that's not
part of the bargain.
I'm hustling, baby.
All right, well,
no hustling me.
You're talking to
the ultimate hustler.
I tell you what.
Let's make all things fair,
we keep Eminem
you get O.J. Simpson.
A first round absolutely
chock full of surprises.
Unbelievable, Colin Powell
and Condoleezza Rice
now officially white.
O.J. black again.
What a day.
You know,
if white people knew
they were gonna get away with
picking a black person,
I bet they
would have picked Oprah.
Oh, well,
absolutely, Rob.
Thick thighs,
no felonies,
she definitely would have
been a great pickup.
Okay, the Chinese Delegation
is up next.
Although they're the last,
they've been waiting with
zen-like patience.
My guess is Yao Ming.
He's been spending
a lot of time with blacks
learning slang and
If they're not careful,
they might lose him.
The Asian Delegation
the RZA, the GZA, U-God
Inspectah Deck,
Ghostface Killah,
the Wu-Tang Clan!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
But I have just heard it
with my own two ears.
This is, by far,
the biggest upset of the night.
The Chinese Delegation
pulling a fast one
and choosing
the entire Wu-Tang Clan.
This is Big Boss,
We always been
a fan of the Kung Fu
and the Chinese culture,
and shit.
So, yo,
it's like bong-bong, you know.
Yeah, I wanna remind everybody
to, um, diversify your bonds.
RZA got
an announcement to make.
Oh, yeah, Ol' Dirty
has now changed his name
from "Dirt McGirt,"
to "The Old Dirty
Chinese Restaurant."
Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang..
Konichiwa, bitches.
Folks, thanks for joining us
on this incredible night.
Our coverage ends here,
but be sure to catch
the rest on our website.
to all the races.
And konichiwa, bitches.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
for being here tonight,
and I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.
And hopefully
I'll see you next week.
I'm out.
(cheers & applause)
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honks)
thank you.
How's it taste,
Will you stop
yelling at me?
No I can't stop
yelling at you!
This is my acting style!
You haven't
seen my movies?!
"Jackie Brown!"
"Star Wars!"
The one where I say,
"yes, they deserve to die
and I hope
they burn in hell!"
I was in that, too!
I was in "Juice,"
with Tupac Shakur!
"Juice," nigga!
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