Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e02 Episode Script
The Niggar Family
1
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.
Woo-hoo-hoo.
Woo-hoo.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(man)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
Whoa!
(cheers & applause)
H-hey!
Wow
Man.
Hey, little buddy.
All right,
thank you so much.
Have seen you this,
uh, commercial
where a guy, Calvin, gets a job
at a fast food restaurant?
Remember
that commercial, though,
that guy, Calvin, would get a
job at a fast food restaurant
and they'd act like
that's the best thing
that can happen to a guy
in the ghetto?
Like, the whole
neighborhood's excited
like, this is gonna
end poverty.
Calvin, you getting this job
is the signpost to a new era
in the black community.
Thank you,
fast food restaurant!
That's not what it's like
to work at a fast food.
People aren't proud of you.
Let's see what
would happen to Calvin
if he really had a job
in fast food.
Look at that!
Calvin's
got a job.
Hey, Calvin!
Way to go, youngblood,
way to go!
(man) WacArnold's is proud to
give young African-Americans
an opportunity
to serve their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Afternoon, ladies.
Eww, nigga,
you smell like french fries.
WacArnold's.
Well, see, hold up.
Now, that's just
a week into it.
Let's see what happens
to Calvin, like,
three weeks into it.
Well, here you go,
Calvin.
My first check
thank you, sir.
(man) WacArnold's is proud to
give young African-Americans
an opportunity
to serve their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Look at that,
Calvin's got a job.
Hey, Calvin!
Hey, Mrs. Harper,
got my first paycheck.
That's good, Calvin,
very good.
Way to go, youngblood.
Getting paid,
getting paid.
Hey, yo,
I heard Calvin got a job.
Man, I'm proud of him.
Let's rob
that nigga, man.
Yeah, son.
WacArnold's.
Pretty rough.
Why don't we check in with
Calvin two months later.
(man) WacArnold's is proud to
give young African-Americans
an opportunity
to serve their communities.
Making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Hey, where's
Mrs. Harvey?
Oh, she died, Calvin,
of high cholesterol.
Too much WacArnold's.
Damn, Calvin,
you look beat the hell up.
What's up, fry guy?
Punk bitch.
Corny-ass nigga.
Yo, Calvin, it's a thin line
between fries and shakes.
One-two, one-two
the leanest burger
in the world
could be the meanest
burger in the world
if you cook it that way.
I need to stop smoking
this shit here, bro.
Hey.
Brought y'all home
some dinner from work.
Calvin, you can't keep
feeding me and your baby
hamburgers and french fries
every goddamn night!
What the hell do you
expect me to do?
Nigger,
get a real job!
Bitch!
WacArnold's is giving me
an opportunity
to serve my community
and feel responsible for the
welfare of my own environment!
Don't give me that
triflin'-ass bullshit!
I'm under
a lot of pressure!
Aye!
And who's gloves
are these?
Huh?
Who you fucking, O.J.?
What is this?
Well, Calvin,
you always workin'!
Ohhh, you fucking the fairy!
I seen that African leaving here
when I was coming in.
Well, shit, if you was here
a little bit more
WacArnold's is tearing
this family apart!
Old Mrs. Harvey died.
(baby crying)
The baby
the baby's crying.
See?
And guess what?
The rib sandwich
is coming back on Tuesday!
Guess who ain't
getting one!
I don't eat pork,
anyway.
You damn right
you don't eat pork,
'cause I ain't
giving you none.
I ain't giving you
no hamburgers,
no apple pies,
I ain't giving you shit!
Calvin got that
all locked down.
If you want some WacArnold's
you gots to go through me.
You cut off!
I'm Calvin
around here!
You know about me?
Everybody know
I got a job!
All right, guys, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere,
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
(cheers & applause)
(man)
Chappelle's Show.
Oww!
Welcome back
(cheers & applause)
Welcome back,
everybody.
Ah thanks, guys.
Last season, I had Paul Mooney
on the show do a segment
called, "Ask a Black Dude."
And I asked him,
I said,
"Paul, we gotta do that again
this year."
He said,
"oh, I can't do it, homey.
But I'll do ya one better."
And he put me on
to the hottest psychic ever,
in the history of the world.
So, please, America,
make some noise
for Paul Mooney
as "Negrodamus."
(woman) For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
That man,
is Negrodamus.
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
what mistakes did
Michael Jackson make
before he got arrested?
Michael Jackson
should have not been
a singer.
Michael Jackson
should have been a priest.
Then he would have
just been transferred.
You, ma'am.
Negrodamus, why is
President Bush so sure
Iraq has weapons of
mass destruction?
Because
he has the receipt.
Next question.
Rosie O'Donnell
shall have a sex change.
She will become a man
and marry
Liza Minelli's husband
and beat him.
Grazie,
Grazie Mille.
Grazie.
Next.
Hi, Negrodamus.
What will happen to Star Jones
on "The View?"
Star jones
I'm getting something
Star Jones will have
two jobs.
First she'll do "The View,"
then she'll take her wig off
and do the weather.
Thank you,
Negrodamus.
For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to
life's great mysteries.
That man,
is Negrodamus.
That's right.
(cheers & applause)
Y'all remember that
comedian, Gallagher?
(affirmative murmurs)
Pretty corny,
right?
He is,
he was a corny dude.
But the thing that people
don't know about Gallagher-
I don't know if
you know this or not
it might be just something
comedians know
he had a twin brother,
did you know that?
He sold his act
to his twin brother.
His twin brother goes on
the road as "Gallagher Two."
Not making that up.
Here's even
a lesser-known fact.
His twin brother sold the act
to a black guy named
Earl Wallingford.
And the black dude went out
as "Black Gallagher."
I have
a tape of his special.
It's ridiculous.
Where are the weapons
of mass destruction?!
That's what
I'm talking about.
Osama Bin Laden?
Why don't they call them
"Osama Been Hidin'?"
Hope you like my outfit.
The queer guys came by
and had an eye for me.
Pink hearts, yellow moons,
green clovers, orange stars
that leprechaun's on acid!
He's crazy.
He's crazy like me.
Are you ready
to smash some fruit?!
Can't hear ya!
Pee on us!
Yeah?
You wanna smash
some fruit, yeah?!
Smash the fruit,
you black son of a bitch!
Well, Black Gallagher doesn't
go out like no punk bitch
with a mallet!
Black Gallagher,
bitch!
That's right!
Aaahh!
I got warrants!
(cheers & applause)
(laughing)
We're gonna
we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But don't go anywhere,
everybody.
We got more show
coming up right after this.
(man)
Chappelle's Show.
Oww!
Hey, gang.
Welcome back to
Chappelle's Show.
Up top
by the sound,
good to see you.
Man,
it's crazy, man.
All right, last season,
we started the series off
with this sketch about
a black white supremacist.
Very controversial.
Yes, very
and sparked
this whole controversy
about the appropriateness
of the "N" word.
The dreaded "N" word.
You know,
and then when I would travel
you know, people would
come up to me
like, white people
would come up to me, like,
"man, that sketch you did about
them niggers, that was hila
(laughing)
Take it easy.
You know,
I was joking around.
You start to realize
these sketches
in the wrong hands
are dangerous.
You know,
and that "N" word is a doosey.
Especially for us black folks.
You know, a lot of
different feelings come up
when they hear that word.
But I'm thinking, is it
because that black people
actually identify themselves
as "N" words?
No
I don't know maybe.
But what if we just used
the word for other people?
Would it be so bad?
I don't know.
So, I made a sketch
it's about a white family who's
last name happens to be Niggar.
That's all.
Let's see how offensive
the word sounds now.
N-i-g-g-a-r,
it's
the Niggar family.
Well, we all know
who they are.
They're Tim and Emily.
Teaching Tim
how to ride a bike,
these are the Niggars
that we like.
N-i-g-g-a-r,
it's the Niggar family.
It's the Niggar family.
Yeah
breakfast is served.
Look, hon,
my sister
just had another baby.
Look at this little
bundle of joy.
She's got those
Niggar lips.
I know, so thin!
Is Tim
still asleep?
I think so.
He sure is
one lazy Niggar.
Good morning, mom.
Morning, dad.
Good morning.
You know, Tim, we're having
a dinner party tonight.
I trust you'll be here.
Oh, I can't.
I have my first big date
with Jenny Halsted.
Jenny has a date tonight,
with the Niggar boy
from school.
What?!
Oh, God, no!
No, daddy,
that's his name.
Timmy Niggar.
Oh, of course
I like
that Niggar.
He's a very good athlete
and so well-spoken.
That family's
going places.
I mean, we're rich,
they're Niggar rich.
Oh, Vic.
Morning,
Niggars!
Why, it's Clifton,
our colored milk man.
And this my favorite family
to deliver milk to
the Niggars!
Mmm-mm!
Something
sure smells good!
You Niggars
cooking?
We sure are.
Here's some leftover bacon,
if you'd like some.
Ooh, none for me.
I know better than to get
between a Niggar and their pork.
Might get
my fingers bit.
(chuckles)
Here ya go.
I-I hate to
bother you about this,
but, uh, well, you didn't
pay your bill last week.
And I know how forgetful
you Niggars are
when it comes
to paying bills.
Golly, Clifton,
it slipped my mind.
Here you go,
sorry about that.
Oh, Niggar please,
Niggar please!
Well, take care
Mr. "N" word.
I have a hot date
with the wife tonight.
All right,
take care.
All right,
peace Niggar!
Niggars?!
(man) Stevenson, party of four?
Ah, Stevenson,
party of four.
Table five, please.
Bon apetit.
Niggar,
party of two.
Niggar, party of two.
Lookie here, Jack.
Just because
we're colored
doesn't mean we came out here
to be disrespected, okay?
Ah, we're
the Niggar family.
Oh, hi, Clifton.
Oh well
hello, little Niggar.
These are the Niggars
I was telling you about.
Are you the nigga
that broke the bottle
over Ronnie's head
at the dice game?
No, not that nigga.
The Niggar from work,
the milk round.
Ohhh, okay.
Have a nice meal.
I bet you'll
get the finest table
a Niggar's ever got
in this restaurant.
(laughing)
Whoo-wee!
Oh, lord.
This racism is
killing me inside!
Honey, put your
dinner party face on.
Hello.
Well, you must be
the Wetbacks!
It's Sanchez.
And don't call us
wetbacks, Niggar.
We find it offensive.
I'm just kidding,
we are the Wetbacks!
(laughing)
(all laughing)
Wait 'til
we tell the Jews!
Oh, you're
one crazy Niggar.
N-i-g-g-a-r,
it's
the Niggar family.
It's the Niggar family.
Niggars!
Yeah
I'm Dave Chappelle,
you guys are the best audience
in the world.
I'd like to thank you all,
I'd like to thank
everybody at home,
and we'll see you next week!
(Chappelle)
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honks)
Hi,
thank you.
You know why
a dog licks his balls?
'Cause they're salty!
Black Gallagher!
Rich people stink!
They smell like
someone's been
cooking bologna
in their shirt!
The sun is very far away
from the Earth, people.
But I'm hot!
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.
Woo-hoo-hoo.
Woo-hoo.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(man)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
Whoa!
(cheers & applause)
H-hey!
Wow
Man.
Hey, little buddy.
All right,
thank you so much.
Have seen you this,
uh, commercial
where a guy, Calvin, gets a job
at a fast food restaurant?
Remember
that commercial, though,
that guy, Calvin, would get a
job at a fast food restaurant
and they'd act like
that's the best thing
that can happen to a guy
in the ghetto?
Like, the whole
neighborhood's excited
like, this is gonna
end poverty.
Calvin, you getting this job
is the signpost to a new era
in the black community.
Thank you,
fast food restaurant!
That's not what it's like
to work at a fast food.
People aren't proud of you.
Let's see what
would happen to Calvin
if he really had a job
in fast food.
Look at that!
Calvin's
got a job.
Hey, Calvin!
Way to go, youngblood,
way to go!
(man) WacArnold's is proud to
give young African-Americans
an opportunity
to serve their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Afternoon, ladies.
Eww, nigga,
you smell like french fries.
WacArnold's.
Well, see, hold up.
Now, that's just
a week into it.
Let's see what happens
to Calvin, like,
three weeks into it.
Well, here you go,
Calvin.
My first check
thank you, sir.
(man) WacArnold's is proud to
give young African-Americans
an opportunity
to serve their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Look at that,
Calvin's got a job.
Hey, Calvin!
Hey, Mrs. Harper,
got my first paycheck.
That's good, Calvin,
very good.
Way to go, youngblood.
Getting paid,
getting paid.
Hey, yo,
I heard Calvin got a job.
Man, I'm proud of him.
Let's rob
that nigga, man.
Yeah, son.
WacArnold's.
Pretty rough.
Why don't we check in with
Calvin two months later.
(man) WacArnold's is proud to
give young African-Americans
an opportunity
to serve their communities.
Making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Hey, where's
Mrs. Harvey?
Oh, she died, Calvin,
of high cholesterol.
Too much WacArnold's.
Damn, Calvin,
you look beat the hell up.
What's up, fry guy?
Punk bitch.
Corny-ass nigga.
Yo, Calvin, it's a thin line
between fries and shakes.
One-two, one-two
the leanest burger
in the world
could be the meanest
burger in the world
if you cook it that way.
I need to stop smoking
this shit here, bro.
Hey.
Brought y'all home
some dinner from work.
Calvin, you can't keep
feeding me and your baby
hamburgers and french fries
every goddamn night!
What the hell do you
expect me to do?
Nigger,
get a real job!
Bitch!
WacArnold's is giving me
an opportunity
to serve my community
and feel responsible for the
welfare of my own environment!
Don't give me that
triflin'-ass bullshit!
I'm under
a lot of pressure!
Aye!
And who's gloves
are these?
Huh?
Who you fucking, O.J.?
What is this?
Well, Calvin,
you always workin'!
Ohhh, you fucking the fairy!
I seen that African leaving here
when I was coming in.
Well, shit, if you was here
a little bit more
WacArnold's is tearing
this family apart!
Old Mrs. Harvey died.
(baby crying)
The baby
the baby's crying.
See?
And guess what?
The rib sandwich
is coming back on Tuesday!
Guess who ain't
getting one!
I don't eat pork,
anyway.
You damn right
you don't eat pork,
'cause I ain't
giving you none.
I ain't giving you
no hamburgers,
no apple pies,
I ain't giving you shit!
Calvin got that
all locked down.
If you want some WacArnold's
you gots to go through me.
You cut off!
I'm Calvin
around here!
You know about me?
Everybody know
I got a job!
All right, guys, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere,
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
(cheers & applause)
(man)
Chappelle's Show.
Oww!
Welcome back
(cheers & applause)
Welcome back,
everybody.
Ah thanks, guys.
Last season, I had Paul Mooney
on the show do a segment
called, "Ask a Black Dude."
And I asked him,
I said,
"Paul, we gotta do that again
this year."
He said,
"oh, I can't do it, homey.
But I'll do ya one better."
And he put me on
to the hottest psychic ever,
in the history of the world.
So, please, America,
make some noise
for Paul Mooney
as "Negrodamus."
(woman) For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
That man,
is Negrodamus.
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
what mistakes did
Michael Jackson make
before he got arrested?
Michael Jackson
should have not been
a singer.
Michael Jackson
should have been a priest.
Then he would have
just been transferred.
You, ma'am.
Negrodamus, why is
President Bush so sure
Iraq has weapons of
mass destruction?
Because
he has the receipt.
Next question.
Rosie O'Donnell
shall have a sex change.
She will become a man
and marry
Liza Minelli's husband
and beat him.
Grazie,
Grazie Mille.
Grazie.
Next.
Hi, Negrodamus.
What will happen to Star Jones
on "The View?"
Star jones
I'm getting something
Star Jones will have
two jobs.
First she'll do "The View,"
then she'll take her wig off
and do the weather.
Thank you,
Negrodamus.
For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to
life's great mysteries.
That man,
is Negrodamus.
That's right.
(cheers & applause)
Y'all remember that
comedian, Gallagher?
(affirmative murmurs)
Pretty corny,
right?
He is,
he was a corny dude.
But the thing that people
don't know about Gallagher-
I don't know if
you know this or not
it might be just something
comedians know
he had a twin brother,
did you know that?
He sold his act
to his twin brother.
His twin brother goes on
the road as "Gallagher Two."
Not making that up.
Here's even
a lesser-known fact.
His twin brother sold the act
to a black guy named
Earl Wallingford.
And the black dude went out
as "Black Gallagher."
I have
a tape of his special.
It's ridiculous.
Where are the weapons
of mass destruction?!
That's what
I'm talking about.
Osama Bin Laden?
Why don't they call them
"Osama Been Hidin'?"
Hope you like my outfit.
The queer guys came by
and had an eye for me.
Pink hearts, yellow moons,
green clovers, orange stars
that leprechaun's on acid!
He's crazy.
He's crazy like me.
Are you ready
to smash some fruit?!
Can't hear ya!
Pee on us!
Yeah?
You wanna smash
some fruit, yeah?!
Smash the fruit,
you black son of a bitch!
Well, Black Gallagher doesn't
go out like no punk bitch
with a mallet!
Black Gallagher,
bitch!
That's right!
Aaahh!
I got warrants!
(cheers & applause)
(laughing)
We're gonna
we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But don't go anywhere,
everybody.
We got more show
coming up right after this.
(man)
Chappelle's Show.
Oww!
Hey, gang.
Welcome back to
Chappelle's Show.
Up top
by the sound,
good to see you.
Man,
it's crazy, man.
All right, last season,
we started the series off
with this sketch about
a black white supremacist.
Very controversial.
Yes, very
and sparked
this whole controversy
about the appropriateness
of the "N" word.
The dreaded "N" word.
You know,
and then when I would travel
you know, people would
come up to me
like, white people
would come up to me, like,
"man, that sketch you did about
them niggers, that was hila
(laughing)
Take it easy.
You know,
I was joking around.
You start to realize
these sketches
in the wrong hands
are dangerous.
You know,
and that "N" word is a doosey.
Especially for us black folks.
You know, a lot of
different feelings come up
when they hear that word.
But I'm thinking, is it
because that black people
actually identify themselves
as "N" words?
No
I don't know maybe.
But what if we just used
the word for other people?
Would it be so bad?
I don't know.
So, I made a sketch
it's about a white family who's
last name happens to be Niggar.
That's all.
Let's see how offensive
the word sounds now.
N-i-g-g-a-r,
it's
the Niggar family.
Well, we all know
who they are.
They're Tim and Emily.
Teaching Tim
how to ride a bike,
these are the Niggars
that we like.
N-i-g-g-a-r,
it's the Niggar family.
It's the Niggar family.
Yeah
breakfast is served.
Look, hon,
my sister
just had another baby.
Look at this little
bundle of joy.
She's got those
Niggar lips.
I know, so thin!
Is Tim
still asleep?
I think so.
He sure is
one lazy Niggar.
Good morning, mom.
Morning, dad.
Good morning.
You know, Tim, we're having
a dinner party tonight.
I trust you'll be here.
Oh, I can't.
I have my first big date
with Jenny Halsted.
Jenny has a date tonight,
with the Niggar boy
from school.
What?!
Oh, God, no!
No, daddy,
that's his name.
Timmy Niggar.
Oh, of course
I like
that Niggar.
He's a very good athlete
and so well-spoken.
That family's
going places.
I mean, we're rich,
they're Niggar rich.
Oh, Vic.
Morning,
Niggars!
Why, it's Clifton,
our colored milk man.
And this my favorite family
to deliver milk to
the Niggars!
Mmm-mm!
Something
sure smells good!
You Niggars
cooking?
We sure are.
Here's some leftover bacon,
if you'd like some.
Ooh, none for me.
I know better than to get
between a Niggar and their pork.
Might get
my fingers bit.
(chuckles)
Here ya go.
I-I hate to
bother you about this,
but, uh, well, you didn't
pay your bill last week.
And I know how forgetful
you Niggars are
when it comes
to paying bills.
Golly, Clifton,
it slipped my mind.
Here you go,
sorry about that.
Oh, Niggar please,
Niggar please!
Well, take care
Mr. "N" word.
I have a hot date
with the wife tonight.
All right,
take care.
All right,
peace Niggar!
Niggars?!
(man) Stevenson, party of four?
Ah, Stevenson,
party of four.
Table five, please.
Bon apetit.
Niggar,
party of two.
Niggar, party of two.
Lookie here, Jack.
Just because
we're colored
doesn't mean we came out here
to be disrespected, okay?
Ah, we're
the Niggar family.
Oh, hi, Clifton.
Oh well
hello, little Niggar.
These are the Niggars
I was telling you about.
Are you the nigga
that broke the bottle
over Ronnie's head
at the dice game?
No, not that nigga.
The Niggar from work,
the milk round.
Ohhh, okay.
Have a nice meal.
I bet you'll
get the finest table
a Niggar's ever got
in this restaurant.
(laughing)
Whoo-wee!
Oh, lord.
This racism is
killing me inside!
Honey, put your
dinner party face on.
Hello.
Well, you must be
the Wetbacks!
It's Sanchez.
And don't call us
wetbacks, Niggar.
We find it offensive.
I'm just kidding,
we are the Wetbacks!
(laughing)
(all laughing)
Wait 'til
we tell the Jews!
Oh, you're
one crazy Niggar.
N-i-g-g-a-r,
it's
the Niggar family.
It's the Niggar family.
Niggars!
Yeah
I'm Dave Chappelle,
you guys are the best audience
in the world.
I'd like to thank you all,
I'd like to thank
everybody at home,
and we'll see you next week!
(Chappelle)
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honks)
Hi,
thank you.
You know why
a dog licks his balls?
'Cause they're salty!
Black Gallagher!
Rich people stink!
They smell like
someone's been
cooking bologna
in their shirt!
The sun is very far away
from the Earth, people.
But I'm hot!