Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e03 Episode Script

White People Can't Dance

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
Hey, everybody.
All right!
All right!
Welcome to
Chappelle's Show.!
Man, welcome, guys, thanks
for coming out tonight.
And, you at home,
thanks for tuning in.
You know, folks, it's been an
interesting couple weeks
here at Chappelle's Show.
A lot of flak
I've been getting
for the racially-charged
It happens.
But I think
I'm being misunderstood
so I just wanted
to take a moment
to explain myself, okay?
I'm not advocating,
in any way shape or form,
any type of racial hatred.
I'm just making fun of
each other's cultures.
It's fun.
The problem is when you do
stereotypical kind of jokes
there's no room
for subtleties.
People always say things,
for instance,
that white people
can't dance.
It's not that
white people can't dance.
Is that really
how it goes?
I don't think so.
Let's explore this
further, okay?
I'd like to
introduce a piece now
called, "White People Dancing."
Hey, gang.
You know, all my life I've heard
that white people can't dance.
I don't believe that.
I don't think it's so much that
white people can't dance,
it's just that they like
certain musical instruments.
That instrument,
my friends,
is electric guitar.
It speaks directly to
the soul of the white person.
They find it irresistible.
Now, with me,
as you can see,
is my good friend, John Mayer.
How are you?
And we are going to test
this theory this afternoon.
You ready?
I'm ready.
Let's do it.
Let's go.
It's my personal theory
that when white people
hear electric guitar,
they cannot resist
the urge to dance,
no matter where they are.
And me and John went to
different locations
and put this theory
to the test.
And the shares could be,
we could up them
to about another 22%
Okay, folks,
here we are in
a corporate boardroom.
You can see behind us
working in the bullpens
and right now a meeting
is in progress.
We wanna see what happens
when you play electric guitar
in the most professional
of settings.
Ready John?
Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay, cool
go, go.
(slow & rhythmic guitar)
I knew it,
I knew it.
Come on,
let's get outta here.
Okay, we've seen
how white people
respond to
guitar music at work.
Now we're in a chic
Manhattan restaurant.
It's lunchtime,
the business crowd is here
a lot of Bush votes
in the room.
Let's see how the
conservative crowd acts
when they hear guitar music
while they're eating.
John, play the fight riff,
play it!
(loud, harsh guitar)
(Dave) These people are going
look at,
look at him!
Oh, my God,
look at this!
Oh, my gosh.
I have never seen
anything like this, folks!
(glass breaking)
Enjoy your lunch,
All right
every experiment
needs a control.
Now, right now, me and John
are in a barber shop in Harlem.
Everyone here is either
Black or Latino.
Let's see how
electric guitar works on them.
Ready, John?
okay go, go.
(loud, blues music)
Hey, yo!
Shut the fuck up!
Okay, okay.
That went pretty much
how I expected.
Now, let's see how
the Blacks respond to drums.
(drum roll)
Quest Love, go!
(rhythmic beat)
Aww yeah!
Yeah yeah
Yo, yo, yo
I'm not of
any sex or any race
if you were beatin' me
it's like Billy Crystal
playin' "Scarface"
and I can't see it,
blind to the eyes
I get up in your face
boom, pow, surprise!
Whoo, that worked
like gangbusters!
But I still
happened to notice
some of the latin people
were nodding their heads
but they weren't
really feelin' it
as much as I thought
they would.
But I think
I got the remedy.
What would happen if
I incorporated within that,
an electric piano.
Sanchez, go!
(Salsa music)
All right,
this is goin' great!
Now I'm gonna kick it up
a notch, watch this!
(rambling in Spanish)
Ay, curumba!
Hey, guys,
have a good day.
Sorry for interrupting.
So, what have
we learned gang?
We learned that
white people can dance
if you play what they like
electric guitar.
Of course
we, the Blacks,
can't resist drums
and Latins love
congos and electric piano
with Spanish gibberish
over it I guess.
So, the next time
someone says
that someone from
another race can't dance
all right,
all right,
I'm gonna need
to see a permit.
Excuse me?
You have to have a permit
to shoot out here.
And we will fine you.
do something, quick.
Every rose
has it's thorn.
Just like every night
has its dawn.
That's my set!
Just like every cowboy
sings a sad, sad song
Hey, my man,
how you know that song?
I'm from
the suburbs, man,
I can't help it.
I can't help it!
Though it's
been a while now
I can still feel
so much pain
Every rose
has its thorn.
Just like every night
has its dawn.
Just like every cowboy
sings a sad, sad song.
Every rose has its thorn.
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
Keep dancing,
we'll be right back.
Goin' to
Dave Chappelle's Show.
How's this?
Hey, everybody,
welcome back to
Chappelle's Show.
Thanks for joining us.
You know, folks, I hate to
hit this point so hard
but remember, whenever we
do these racial commentaries
it's always about
the subtleties.
We're all part of
the same human family.
Our differences are just
cultural, that's it.
For instance
when a white person is maybe
having trouble sleeping
you might take some kind
of a warm milk?
I don't know
what you drink.
Well, the black people,
we have a sleeping aid too.
And it's just coming out
on the market
it's available for
everyone's consumption
and we're proud to be the first
sponsor of the newest sleep aid
for black America,
here it is.
What is it, honey?
I got a big meeting tomorrow
and I still can't sleep.
I took sleeping pills
and everything.
Relax, honey.
I think I've got
just the thing.
(woman) From the makes
of "Valtran" and "Similox"
comes America's
#1 sleeping aid: Ribs.
Oh, wow.
Here's how it works:
Once ingested,
Ribs go to work on your stomach
spreading barbecue sauce and
greasy porkiness throughout
creating an age-old condition
called the "itis."
You'll feel
sluggish, drowsy
and should be asleep
in a matter of minutes.
Got that itis
thanks, Ribs!
Mud butt
(cheers & applause)
Like, what would be
the inverse of that joke,
if I did that joke
for white people
what would it be,
like, turkey or something?
I don't know.
Turkey, right?
Well, that's a food
that white people say,
"well, that sure
makes me sleepy."
What is it?
Box of wine.
Box of wine?
Wine comes in a box,
He said that
without hesitation
(speaking dryly)
Box of wine.
Puts me right out.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break
don't go nowhere,
we've got more comedy for you
on Chappelle's Show.
That's right.
Chappelle's Show.
Better not
bring your kids!
(cheers & applause)
Welcome back.
Welcome back to
Chappelle's Show, everybody.
One thing I've been hearing
a lot recently is,
they say,
"you know, Dave,
"you make fun of everybody
and everything
but how come you never
make fun of yourself?"
'Cause it's not easy,
I'm sensitive.
But, since you guys have
been so good to me tonight,
I feel like
I owe you no less.
This next piece is about
the real Dave Chappelle
it's personal,
it's actually very personal
but here it is.
Hey, I'm Dave Chappelle,
host of Chappelle's Show.
Many guys are familiar with
my onscreen persona
but the question
keeps popping up:
Who is Dave Chappelle,
Well, guys,
the answer isn't so simple.
You see, in the last 12 years
I've been at least
three different people.
There's me at 18.
Sincere, earnest,
relentlessly optimistic.
Then there was me at 24.
Budding movie star,
reefer addict
and a man with
a sexual appetite
that would make
Michael Douglas seem gay.
Then, of course, is the man who
stands in front of you now.
Proud father,
loyal husband
and prompt taxpayer.
All three of these men have
difference psyches
and handled things
in very different ways.
And with your permission,
I'd like to explore
these three men tonight
in a piece that
I like to call:
All right,
first scenario:
Let's say I'm having problems
in a relationship.
Why don't we take a look at
how I used to handle that at 18.
Charon, look,
I wanna work this out
but you gotta talk to me,
you gotta open up.
Last week, when we were
at that Das EFX concert,
I riggity-realized
that I
I liggity-love you.
Come on, girl,
don't be like this.
You act like all
I wanna do is
zoom-a-zoom zoom
in your boom boom.
Why you gotta be
like this?!
What a biggity-bitch.
I'm talkin' about myself
of course.
All right, well,
let's see how I handle
relationship difficulties
at 24.
I love her,
but she don't trust me.
I can't be with someone
who don't trust me.
Oh, that sounds terrible.
Do you want
another song, honey?
I know.
And the other day,
you know what she had
the nerve to say to me?
That I smelled like I been
at the titty bar.
Let's see how I handle
relationship problems today
now that I'm a father
and a husband
and all that good stuff.
baby, you up?
Scenario two:
Let's say I'm
pulled over by the police
and I'm being treated
less than fairly.
These kinds of things happen.
Why don't we see how 18-year-old
Dave used to handle that.
now, let's take a look at
24-year old Dave.
I ain't do nothin'
get on the ground!
On the ground!
What about you!
Why don't you
get on the ground!
That's right, gimme
my license back!
Now, spread your cheeks
and lift yo' sack!
That's right!
And you know what?
I am high
I'm high!
And now, let's take a look at
30-year old Dave.
Hi, license, insurance
and registration, please.
Sorry about that, I was
running late for a shoot
for my show
Chappelle's Show.
I'm Dave Chappelle.
"I'm rich bitch."
Y-you haven't seen it?
Don't get it.
Buckle up, baby!
Over the last 12 years
my career went through
a lot of ups and downs.
And a lot of people ask me,
how do you handle it
when you lose out on a movie
part that you really want?"
That's a good question.
I'll show you how I used to
handle it at 18, right now.
So, who got the part?
The Wayans bothers?
There's more?!
And here's how I handled the
same type of situation at 24.
Chris Tucker?
This is the second time
this happened.
Who got the other part?
Tell me, man,
Jackie Chan?!
That motherfucker
can't even speak English!
And now
here's how sensible shoe Dave
handles it at 30.
Who's Nick Cannon?
Daddy, Nick Cannon
is hilarious.
Man, fuck you, son!
I'm glad you think
he's so goddamn hilarious
because he just walked off
your school clothes money.
It's funny,
isn't it?
I'm broke, nigga,
I'm broke!
Well, I guess that gives you
guys a pretty good idea
about how I've
changed over the years.
But before I go,
I just wanna give each me
a chance to tell you
their overall
philosophy in life.
18-year old Dave,
you're on.
When you lose
don't lose the lesson.
His holiness,
the Dali Lama.
That was touching.
All right, how about you,
Hey, hey,
hey, hey
smoke weed everyday.
See ya'.
Dave at 30,
what ya got for me?
Fuck Nick Cannon.
Dave Chappelle.
He's hilarious.
You know, you actin' like
a little bitch, a'ight?
Stop saying that, you tryin'
to make your father feel bad?
I gotta pay all the bills
around here
what, you gonna
go tell your mother?
Tell you mother I'm cussin'
in the house?!
That's right shit!
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
But Dave-at-30
will be right back
after these messages.
Chappelle's Show.
Welcome back!
Welcome back,
(cheers & applause)
It is time for another
Chappelle's Show
musical performance.
As you can
see tonight,
we were lucky enough
to have John Mayer
and Quest Love from The Roots
appear in our sketch.
And while
we were shooting the sketch
we actually shot a musical
performance, just for fun.
This next one, folks,
is just for you.
Please welcome yours truly,
and the Dave Chappelle trio.
You know, folks, right now,
the world is in trouble.
And I know it seems like
the sketches we do are racey
but this is all just comedy.
it's all about love.
So this song, right now
is not only
going out to you at home
and everyone across America,
but everyone across the world.
And it goes a little
something like this
Now the world
don't move
to the beat
of just one drum.
What might be right
for you
may not be
right for some.
A man is born.
He's a man
of means.
Then along come two,
they got nothing
but their dreams.
different strokes,
it takes
different strokes,
it takes
different strokes
to rule the world.
Everybody's got their
special kind of story.
got a way to shine.
No matter what ya got,
not a lot,
so what?
They'll have theirs,
and you'll have yours,
and I'll have mine,
and together
we'll be fine.
'Cause it takes
different strokes,
it takes
different strokes,
it takes,
different strokes
to rule the world,
different strokes
to rule the
That was
the gooch
all right!
When the world
never seems
to be living
up to your dreams.
Finally you're finding out
the facts of life
are all about you.
It takes a lot
to get them right
when you're learning
the facts of,
learnin' the facts of,
the facts of life,
they're all about you
That's right.
It turns out that life
is all about you.
Thanks for watching
the show this week.
I'd like to thank my guests,
John Mayer
Quest Love
John on keyboards.
I'm Dave Chappelle,
I'll see you guys next week.
I'll see you next week,
God bless, I'm out.
(cheers & applause)
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honks)
thank you.
Fish don't fry
in the kitchen,
beans don't burn
on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin'
just to get
up that hill.
Now we're up
in the big league,
gettin' our turn at bat.
As long we live,
it's you and me baby.
Ain't nothin'
wrong with that.
we're movin' on up
to the east side!
To a dee-luxe apartment
in the sky
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