Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e09 Episode Script

Oprah's Baby Daddy

Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Dave Chappelle!
What's up?
What's up
on the top.
You know, ah
y'know what's
funny, man,
there's two things that start
happening to me a lot now,
since I started
the second season.
One, like, when
I walk down the street,
people always
scream stuff out.
Like I'll be with my kids
and people be like,
"I'm Rick James, bitch."
And all
this stuff.
The other thing
that happens,
and which
I think is the worst,
is when people come up to me
and try to give me ideas
for the show.
Send them shits through
the proper channels, all right.
Now, I'm not saying
I'm not open,
just pick your spots.
As a matter of fact,
if you knew
what was
going through my mind
when you pitch me that
kind of stuff,
you wouldn't
even talk to me,
because I'll
think about anything
but what you're
talking about.
For example
I love you, baby.
Oh, I know you do.
Come here girl,
give me some.
Excuse me,
I hate to interrupt,
but I just had
to say hello.
Hey, man,
how you doing?
Is this a bad time?
You kinda caught me in
the middle of something with
So, I'm sure you
get this all the time,
but I have the perfect
idea for you.
It's a movie.
Is it cool
if I sit down?
This'll only take
a minute.
I'm Frank Feldman.
You kind of caught me
and the wife at a bad time.
We were just
it's a love story.
You play an underground
street poet named Colt 45.
He's a rebel with
a big heart.
He's a loner because
his wife has been killed
by the chief financial officer
of the company
that she
used to work for
Ashy Larry.
he's a volunteer
veterinarian on Wednesdays
I wonder what Arsenio's
doing right now.
He probably at a
wine and cheese party.
Damn, that's some
good-ass cheese!
If you don't tell him how good
the cheese is, he'll be mad.
How come you didn't tell me
how good the cheese was?
Some good-ass cheese.
What are you
looking at?
I was
Bob Eubanks-lookin'
you should've told me
how good the cheese was!
I was thinking
the villain
could be played
by Rod Stewart
man, I should've
been a rapper.
That look like fun.
How you gonna
rip it like this, son
how you gonna rip it
like that, son
I don't play that
because it's action
but I need a gimmick.
that's right
I'm the Black Sheep
the real Black Sheep
I'm the Black Sheep,
the real Black Sheep
I say ugh
so we have this
big showdown
at the foot of
the space shuttle.
Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo
do-dl-le do-dl-le
my company is willing to
offer you $12,000,000.
(dinging register)
Frank, right?
You want something
to drink?
Waitress, get this
nigga something to drink.
Look, Frank, I don't know
if you know this,
y'know those skits
on Chappelle's Show.,
I write a lot of those.
And I'm thinking maybe I could
give you some ideas
to make Colt a more
interesting character.
I would love to hear 'em.
All right, well, instead
of calling him Colt 45,
first of all, we've
got to change the name
Nascar race.
Dirty diapers.
instead of
the space shuttle,
we make it right on the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial.
That's good.
(thinking) Wonder what
my girl thinkin' about.
(thinking) You know who
I'd love to have sex with
Do-dl-le do-dl-le
do-dl-le do-de-le-lo
do-dl-le do-dl-le
all right, we're gonna take a
quick commercial break y'all.
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
Chappelle's Show.
(ringing phone)
Dave, it's Oprah.
Oh, hey what's up girl?
Look Dave,
I'm pregnant.
Are you sure
it's mine?
No, Dave, listen,
it's yours.
Got ya bitch!
Just hold on
one second.
All right, look, Oprah,
I'm gonna fly to Chicago
tomorrow, okay.
But I'm going to need
you to send me a ticket.
I'll fly you out.
Oh, oh, oh, and baby,
can you have a limousine
pick me up
at the baggage claim,
because I don't have no cab
money to get from the airport
to your house.
Okay, sure thing.
Thanks, boo.
I love you, baby.
I love you too,
David Chappelle.
All right, I'm gonna go
to work and tell everybody
the good news tomorrow,
and I'll see
you in Chicago.
Hey, everybody, I've got an
announcement to make!
Ding, ding, ding
ding, ding!
I quit!
Kiss my ass, everybody!
Excuse me, can I have
a quick word with you?
Ah, kiss my ass.
Can you type a memo of that
and send it around?
I quit!
Dave, what's gotten
into you?
Oh, Sally, it's not
what's gotten into me,
it's what's gotten
into Oprah:
My seed, son!
I'm rich, bitch!
Hey, hey, you know
I never approved this.
Nobody ever listens
to me around here.
I'm not dangerous!
At least
I wasn't dangerous.
Guys, I almost
remember your spirit.
Oh, it sprayed.
I'll see you
in Chicago.
Well we're
movin' on up
bye, baby,
have a good day at work.
Try to stay off
your feet, boo.
Yeah, that feels
oh, that
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
Not bad.
Oh, this is Chung Lee.
Chung Lee, this is
my baby's momma, Oprah.
Baby, hey, baby, you mind
if I get a happy ending?
She didn't
say no.
All right, I'm ready.
I'm home.
Hey, baby.
It's Bruce Lee's
Hello, I love your show.
$7,000 an hour.
Sounds expensive,
but I think the safety
of you and our baby is
priceless, all right.
Check this out.
Get away
from Oprah!
Hey, baby,
how was the show?
Oh, oh, this is Felicia.
Felicia, this is my
baby's momma, Oprah.
Be out in a minute, sweetie.
I'm just painting,
finishing up.
Let me fill this out
a little bit over here
took a whole lotta tryin'
just to get up that hill
now we're up
in the big leagues
I gettin' my turn
at bat
Oh, snap!
Hey, everybody, it's the lady
that made it all possible.
Give it up for
my baby's momma,
Oprah motherfucking Winfrey.
What's happening,
How was the show?
Why don't you go ahead
and run the bathwater,
and I'll come and put some
salt in a minute.
I know your feet
probably hurting.
All right, now, all right.
Hey, Steve, you mind
pushing the button?
I'm gonna take it
from the top.
Fish don't
fry in the kitchen
beans don't burn
on the grill
took a whole lotta tryin'
just to get up that hill
(ringing phone)
You again.
Look, Stedman, you gonna
have to move on, alright?
No, fuck that, I don't care
what y'all had.
She's having
my baby, okay?
So you leave this
family alone.
I love her!
Fine, whatever, bitch.
(Oprah) Dave, honey, who
was that on the phone?
Huh baby,
it's nobody.
It was for me.
Just go back
in the bath.
Stedman Graham,
if you fuck this up for me
there you go!
Yes, yeah!
You did it,
boo, you
what the fuck!
Nigga looks
just like Dr. Phil!
Women are smart,
men are stupid.
Oh, shit!
Oprah, what about
our dreams, huh?
Sorry, Dave.
What am I gonna
do now?
I quit my job.
Stedman, we gonna
get this bitch.
We'll take a quick
commercial break.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
The greatest show
Y'know me and my
friend of mine,
Neal Brennan,
we always have
this on-going discussion.
Every time there's a
black celebrity in trouble,
Neal doesn't believe that
I never think he's guilty,
and the reason he thinks that
is because I never
think they're guilty.
It's just how I roll, man.
To me, it's all about
reasonable doubt.
What's reasonable doubt
to a white person, you know,
might not be a reasonable
doubt to a black person.
If they had me
on jury selection
at some of these
celebrity trials,
it'd be a long day,
a long day.
Ah, Mr. Chappelle?
Are you aware that
Mr. Simpson
is going to be on trial
for a double homicide?
Yeah, I heard about it.
It's all
bullshit, man.
O.J. Ain't gonna kill
nobody, he's rich.
But Mr. Chappelle,
what if I told you
that we had DNA evidence
linking Mr. Simpson to
the scene of the crime?
Then I'd have to ask you
where you found it.
In his bedroom,
at the crime scene,
and in his car.
In the car?
Right in his car?
And, and in
the bedroom too?
In the bedroom.
I damn.
Then I'd probably just ask you,
"how'd they find it?"
The police found
a bloody glove
on O.J.'s property.
Sir, I'm not impressed,
all right.
Who what black man
don't have some bloody gloves
on his property?
Nigga, I got one
right here.
That don't mean
I did anything.
Sir, if somebody
murdered your family
and the police found a bloody
glove on O.J.'s property
and a witness heard
strange bangings
minutes after
the murders
I'd have to be
real confused
because nobody in my family
beef with O.J. like that.
And we would've killed
O.J. After the first time
he beat my sister up.
We would've
whupped his ass.
We would've made real orange
juice out of that nigga.
So, you ain't gonna find
no bloody gloves.
If anything happened
you can quote me, sir
they would find
some bloody gloves
at our house.
But this was before
O.J. would be dead, nigga,
and that's real.
Detective Mark Fuhrman was
one of the lead detectives
On the case and
He's a racist,
it's a racist name.
You're sayin', what is
he a furor, German
Fuhrman, German.
Sound a little
familiar to you?
I'm sorry, sir, but he
probably says "nigger" a lot,
with a name like that.
I can't comment.
I bet you can't.
But as a person who
says "nigger" a lot,
trust me.
That nigga says
"nigger" all the time.
Mr. Chappelle,
are you suggesting that
because one of the detectives
is a possible racist,
and because
there may have been
some minor oversights
in the investigation,
that it completely
let's O.J. off the hook?
The defense rests, sir.
Mr. Chappelle
no further questions!
Will you at least admit
that O.J. more than likely
killed his wife?
Sir, my blackness
will not permit me
to make a statement
like that.
You're dismissed.
Are you aware of the charges
that Michael Jackson
is currently facing?
Yes, sir.
Ah, and for the record, these
charges hurt me the most.
So he's guilty.
Look, man, look,
Michael Jackson
has many faces, none of 'em
look guilty to me.
You gotta look in
the eyes, not the noses.
He's been accused of
this more than once.
So, some people say
that cucumbers
taste better pickled.
What if I told you
that the accusers
correctly described Michael's
penis to investigators.
Sir, I have never seen
Michael's alleged penis,
but I bet you that
I could describe it.
All right, let me guess.
There's a head, a shaft,
some balls,
hair, maybe
pressed, permed hair,
with glitter sprinkled on it.
That is correct.
Whoa, how'd I know?
Come on, dude, I couldn't
pick my own penis
out of a lineup, all right.
And me and my penis
is like this, son.
What about Michael saying
it's okay to have
children sleep with him?
That don't mean anything.
I'm sure there's plenty
of kids that sleep in the bed
with adults all the time
and nothing happens.
So you do you
think Michael Jackson
is guilty of the
charges against him?
No, man.
He made Thriller
So you'd let your
children sleep with him.
Fuck no!
Are you aware
that Robert Blake
is facing
a charge of murder?
Oh, yeah.
Baretta did
that shit.
Mr. Chappelle, are you
aware that Robert Kelly
is being charged with
child pornography?
Yes, I've heard
of such things.
You've seen
the video tapes?
Have I seen it!
Like 80 times.
You know the part where he's
waiting for her to come over,
and he's looking in
the camera like
So you think that it was
Robert Kelly on the tape?
Well, I'd have
to say it was.
So, then, you believe
that he urinated
on a 15-year-old girl.
Whoa, hold on lady!
I didn't say
all that.
You know with these tapes
they can do a lot of things.
For all I know, that piss
was digital.
They get crazy
with special effects.
Look, look, check this out.
I didn't even
just do that.
Did I do that?
That piss
was digital.
They'll do crazy stuff
with special effects.
What about the girl
collaborating the story.
So what.
How much money does
this girl stand to make
by "corroborating"
this story?
I tell you what, you
give me that kind of money,
R. Kelly can fart in my
dinner tonight.
So besides the tape
and the girl
the allegations,
what more would it take for
you to believe he's guilty?
All right, if I saw a tape
of R. Kelly peeing on a girl
while he was singing
"Piss On You"..
lovers wanna love
and the girl was holding
two forms of government ID,
while a police officer
was there,
like four or five
of my buddies
and Neal taking notes
I'm not finished.
And his grandmother
has to be there
to confirm his identify.
That's my Robert,
always peeing on people.
Don't forget her
hair Robert.
Yes, grandmother.
Mr. Chappelle,
isn't that excessive?
No, no, it's not excessive.
Listen, lady, the burden of
proof is on the state,
on the state!
You have got
to prove to me,
beyond a reasonable doubt,
whether or not
this man is a pisser.
Aren't your doubts
No, it's not unreasonable.
Look, we're talking about
a justice system
that had 500 people
whose cases were overturned
by DNA evidence.
I've seen a tape where
five cops beat up a nigga
and they said that they
had reasonable doubt.
I got my doubts
too, all right?
How come they didn't find
Big and Tupac's murderers
but they arrest
O.J. the next day?
Nicole Simpson
can't rap.
I want justice!
You are all
this whole goddamn court
is out of order, everybody.
Mr. Chappelle,
you're dismissed.
And that's from the heart.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back.
Chappelle's Show.
Better not
bring your kids!
Welcome back everybody.
Tonight's musical guest is
one of my favorite MCs, man,
and part of one of my
favorite groups.
He's a great solo artist.
Give it up
for Wyclef Jean.
Election time is coming
if I was president
I'd get elected
on Friday
on Saturday
buried on Sunday
if I was president
if I was president
an old man told me
instead of spending
on the war
we can use
some of that money
in the ghetto
I know some so poor
when it rains
that's when they shower shower
when screaming
"fight the power"
that's when
the vulture devoured
if I was president
I'd get elected
on Friday
on Saturday
buried on Sunday
if I was president
if I was president
if I was president
if I was president
but the radio
won't play this
they call it
rebel music
how can you refuse it
children of Moses
if I was president
I'd get elected
on Friday
on Saturday
buried on Sunday
if I was president
tell the children
the truth, the truth
Christopher Columbus
didn't discover America
tell them the truth,
the truth
tell them about
Marcus Garvey
the children
the truth
yeah, the truth
tell them about
Martin Luther King
tell them the truth,
the truth
tell them about JFK.
If I was president
if I was president
I'd get elected
on Friday
on Saturday
buried on Sunday
if I was president
yeah, that's
the truth right there.
I'd like to thank my
guests Wyclef Jean,
I'd like to thank
everybody at home for watching.
You guys are
the greatest.
Now, I'll see you
next week.
I'm rich biatch.
(horn honking)
thank you.
Some good-ass cheese,
wait I'm
chokin' on cheese.
I ate too much of
that good-ass cheese.
(man) Say "yes,
grandmama" to the camera.
Yes, grandmama.
Turn a little
bit more.
That's good.
Huh, you're lost.
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