Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e08 Episode Script

I Know Black People

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(announcer) Ladies and
gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.
What oh, snap.
Oh, thanks, yo,
thanks, yo.
Welcome everybody,
welcome to Chappelle's Show.
Welcome, man.
Thanks for coming out
tonight, yo.
You know, I almost was
afraid no one would be here.
I had a conversation
that upset me,
where a dude said my show
was offensive to black people.
Normally, that doesn't bother
me, but he was white.
So, it freaked me out
He had me thinking
for a second, word?
But he might have a point.
I'm not gonna discount him
just because he was white.
Who knows.
Some people just know
black people, right?
Yo, I'm serious, they got,
like, gut instincts.
Some people
know black people.
But who are
those people?
We don't know.
So we got some people,
and we put them to the test.
Now, what you're about to see
is absolutely real.
These are real people.
This is not,
this is not actors.
This is the real deal.
Give it up for
my new game show.
Welcome to the show.
"I Know Black People,"
where we take contestants who
claim to know black people
and put their knowledge
of African-American culture
to the test.
The contestant who answers
the most questions, of course,
wins our grand prize.
Let's bring them out
one at a time now.
Our first contestant
is a professor of
African American
studies and history
at Fordham University.
A New York City
police officer.
This is a writer for
such black television shows
as the Chris Rock Show
and Chappelle's Show.
Okay, our next contestant
works in a
Korean grocery store.
is a DJ. And claims to
have many black friends.
is a social worker
in Wilmington, Delaware.
Most of his boys he goes to
school with are black.
A barber in Brooklyn
who claims that 100%
of his clients
are black.
Let's play the game.
What is a
A badonkadonk.
A badonkadonk
is like a, uh,
a incredibly
attractive ass.
That is correct.
A badonkadonk.
Big penis.
I don't know.
He's talking about
my rear end, I think.
That is correct.
You do have a badonkadonk.
I may have heard that once
or twice before, yeah.
I'm tellin' ya,
Washington Heights,
they'll tell the cops,
"girl, you've got a
Ohh, that's junk
in the trunk,
that's what you
put your mug on,
you saddle up and ride,
that's a big ass.
He is correct.
(dinging) Junk in the trunk,
what you put your mug up,
(dinging) Saddle up and ride, or an ass,
are all acceptable answers.
Black people.
Why do black people love
menthols so much?
I don't, I don't know.
That is correct.
All right.
Nobody knows,
nobody knows for sure.
'Cause that's
what Newports are?
That is correct.
Is it a fact that they
like menthol cigarettes?
I'm not even sure.
I don't know.
That is correct.
No one knows.
Black people.
On the popular
show "Good Times,"
what did Mr. Bookman
do for a living?
Ohh, he was the handyman.
That is correct.
He was the super.
That is correct.
Let's see, I don't know who
Bookman was on "Good Times,"
so I'm gonna
have to take a guess.
Um, was he a janitor?
That is correct.
Did not know see the show.
yet knows that Bookman
was cleaning up.
He was the janitor
(dinging) And his
nickname was Buffalo Butt.
That is correct
and a bonus point.
Thank you.
Black people.
Could you name any
of Bookman's nicknames?
That is correct.
Buffalo Butt.
That is correct.
I am checking the judges
for chi-chi.
I'm sorry that is incorrect.
His name was Bookman?
Yes, and he was fat.
What did they
call him?
Ah, "Fat Janitor Guy."
Black people.
Why did black people
distrust Ronald Reagan?
Because he was white.
That is correct.
Because he was white.
That is correct.
Why did black people
distrust Ronald Reagan?
Because he took all
his money.
That is correct.
Because he was
a Republican.
That is correct.
Why did black people
distrust Ronald Reagan?
Hmm, he wasn't suppose to be
trusted in the first place.
He is correct.
Black people.
Tito, is pimping easy?
That is correct.
That is correct.
Um, Big Daddy Kane would say,
"it ain't easy."
(dinging) "Pimping ain't
easy," he is correct.
It's hard.
All right, I have
a hard time with it myself.
Yes, pimping, as a matter
of fact, ain't easy.
Is pimping easy?
Hell, yeah.
Somehow that is correct.
Black people.
Woah, the competition's
heating up.
Don't go anywhere,
because we'll be right back
with more I know black people.
We'll find out who wins
later in the show,
but don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's show.
Oh, yeah.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
You know, folks
there's a lot of
talk on the streets
about "keeping it real."
I hear men saying it,
I hear women saying it,
we all just gotta be careful.
When you're "keeping it real,"
pick your spots.
Reality is hidden
for a reason.
And now we will show you why.
You're watching "When 'Keeping
It Real' Goes Wrong."
Brenda Johnson was
at home one night
eating popcorn and watching
television with her girlfriend.
The telephone rang.
(dial tone)
Brenda had a simple
choice to make:
Ignore the mild rudeness
of someone hanging up on her
or "keep it real."
Fuck that, I don't like
people playing on my phone.
Girl, don't even trip,
you bigger than that.
I don't like people
playing on my phone.
But in reality,
it had nothing to do
with people playing
on her phone.
Brenda had long
suspected her boyfriend Jamal
of cheating on her.
This was the straw that
broke the camel's back.
Did you just
call here, bitch?
Excuse me?
I know you just called here,
don't play dumb with me.
Stop fucking my man!
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I dialed the wrong
number, okay.
I star-69-ed you,
you dirty ho.
You and I both know
you sleeping with Jamal.
No, I was trying to
call my aunt.
Oh, bitch, please.
You a bitch
and so is your aunt.
(dial tone)
Oh, no she did not
hang up on me again.
Brenda could've ended
the conflict there.
You wanna play,
Let's play.
But she decided to push
her real-o-meter into the red.
'Cause I keeps it real
like that.
Brenda went onto her computer
and did a reverse look-up
of Janice's number.
Not only did she get Janice's
address but directions as well.
I'm fix'n to ride
on this bitch.
You won't be fucking Jamal
in this car, ho!
Take that you
clap-having jezebel.
It was a wrong number!
Fuck that!
I don't like people
playing on my phone.
I keeps it real.
What Brenda didn't know is that
Janice was borrowing the car
from her older brother,
a federal agent.
She also didn't know that
defacing a government vehicle
is considered a felony
in certain cases.
This being one of them.
After a short trial, Brenda
was sentenced to six years
in federal prison.
What's really hood,
Brenda knew it was important
to establish her realness
early in prison.
Confronted by
another pivotal decision,
she decided then and there
to keep it real.
All right, bitch,
let's settle this right now.
The three women were all serving
consecutive life sentences.
It turned out
they kept it realer.
And as for her
boyfriend Jamal..
You wanna talk about
keeping it real?
He was cheating on Brenda
with her best friend.
I keeps it real.
Ain't that right,
That's right.
From eating popcorn in
the comfort of her own home
to eating fruit cocktail off
of a prison floor,
Brenda rounds
fuck that!
I don't like people
playing on my phone.
Just another case
of what can happen
"When 'Keeping It Real'
Goes Wrong.
Oh, shit.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
don't go anywhere
We'll be
right back.
I'm serious.
The greatest show.
What's happening,
Welcome back.
And now let's see who's
gonna be the winner of
"I Know Black People."
Competition's been
stiff in the first act.
Let's see how it goes in
the next round.
Are you ready?
What is a loosey?
Now, I should
know this.
Ahh, a smoke.
(dinging) Damn, that's
that's absolutely correct.
A single cigarette.
A loose cigarette.
That is correct.
A cigarette.
That is correct.
What is a loosey?
Is that a, ah,
a way of saying oral sex.
No, but we should
start saying that.
What is a loosey?
One cigarette bought at
the store from the Arabs.
That is correct.
A cigarette bought
at the store,
one loose
cigarette, from an Arab.
Black people.
What is a chickenhead?
That's a woman who, um,
puts her mouth
on the member of a
or sometimes called
a crackwhore.
That is acceptable.
That is one of the many
definitions of a chickenhead.
A fellatious woman.
Here we go.
Mark, things are
looking up.
Um, let's see.
Somebody on TV used to
say chickenhead.
You're such a chickenhead.
I don't know
what show this is,
but I'd like to see it.
Somebody who's stupid.
No, a chickenhead
is a hoochie, whore,
or a fellatious woman,
It can be used for
different things.
It's mostly used to describe
a ho or an
ugly woman.
(dinging) A woman that
likes to suck penis.
A woman that likes
to suck penis.
To give a loosey.
That's right,
to give a loosey.
What is a chickenhead?
Oh, you can find
that anywhere
in the hood, on the block.
It's a bird,
one of those that you just
bring home and wear out.
That is correct.
A bird that you bring home
and wear out.
That is correct.
That's what they're for,
that's how they're used.
Black people.
Finish this good time lyric:
"Temporary layoffs.
Good times"
"easy credit rip-offs."
"Good times"
and surviving."
"Good times."
"Blank "
"good times"
I know that one character
on "Good Times"
was JJ Walker.
That's very good.
I get mistaken for him
a lot in shopping malls.
Another actress on good times
is Lenny Kravitz's mother.
Oh, I'm sorry, that was
"The Jeffersons,"
but close.
"Easy credit
rip offs
"good times
and surviving
"good times
"Good times."
"Ain't we lucky
we got 'em
"good times."
Yeah, uh
I remember when Willis
had a drinking problem.
and surviving."
"Good times."
"Blank "
"good times."
Hmm, and I've always
wondered this myself.
And it sounds like
"hangin' in a jury,"
but it's, it's, it's,
and is it a
say that one more time.
Say what you
just said one more time.
(in soprano)
Hangin' in a jury
um, and I always
thought, as a kid,
does that mean that someone
is hung in a jury?
But I didn't, I didn't
you know, I have to say
you can tell
I know the actual song,
but those are ones I never
could decipher what it was.
It was a
Brian Tucker just pointed out
a fact that is very true.
This is the
most disputed lyric
in all of the
"Good Times" lyrics.
I am inclined to give
him the point.
I look at my judges
He gets the point.
All right, and what
is the correct lyric?
The correct lyric:
"Hangin' in
a chow line."
I had to look it up on
the Internet myself.
I thought it was
"hangin' a cracker."
Black people.
And now for
the final question.
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
How can black people
rise up and overcome?
Um, how can they rise up
and overcome?
Well, can
they overcome?
That is correct.
That is acceptable.
This is a rap lyric?
No, this
I'm sorry.
Oh, this is
a general question.
This is an actual question.
All right.
There's a complex
answer there.
That is correct.
Staying alive.
That is correct.
That is correct.
Well stop cuttin'
each others throat.
That also is correct.
How can black people
rise up and overcome?
Get out and vote.
That is incorrect,
I'm afraid.
I'm sorry.
Black people.
Well folks, our judges
tallied up the scores,
and we have a winner.
Rob the DJ.
Rob, come on out.
Excellent job, Rob.
Here's the grand prize.
Of course, it contains
a lifetime supply of
Murray's hair cream.
That's right.
And one can is a
lifetime supply, trust me.
Two bootleg DVDs,
and, of course, what would
a grand prize be
without a pack
of menthol cigarettes.
Black people.
We'll take a quick
commercial break,
but don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
Turn on your TV,
what you
gonna see?
And now it's time for
our musical performance
by the lovely, the soulful,
miss Erykah Badu.
Right now,
what we're gonna do
is go back,
all right?
Back in the day now
back in the day
when things were cool
all we needed was bop-bop
bop-bop bop-ba-domp
oh bop-bop
bop-bop bop-da-domp
well well well
soulflower take me
flying with you
gimmie that bop-bop
bop-bop bop-ba-domp
hey ohhhh
some of that bop-bop
bop-bop bop-ba-domp
well well well
back in the day
when things were cool
all we needed was
back in the day
when things were cool
let me tell you
what we used to do
we used to meet up
with these dudes
check it out
then we rolled out on
hopes and truths
that's truths and hopes
my sweet honey
can't go away
for a little while
when my candy's
gone away from me
I'm a helpless child
I forgot
the laughin' the singin'
the jammin' the talkin'
the pumpin' the trunk
with the windows rolled up
well well well
the laughin' the singin'
the jammin' the talkin'
the pumpin' the trunk
with the windows rolled up
hump - ow
how sublime
and we would ride around
the park 'til its after dark
and when we get home
hope the dog don't bark
I'm sugar free
in the night
so lonely
I'm sugar free
in the day
so lonely
I'm sugar free
so lonely
so lonely
in the night
so lonely
I'm sugar free
I'm I'm
yeah- yeahhhhh
in the day
so lonely
oh, sugar
that's right.
I would like to thank
my guest Erykah Badu.
I'd like to thank
each and everyone of you
at home for watching,
and everybody in
the room for being here.
I'll see you
next week.
I am out!
I'm rich biatch.
(horn honking)
Hi, thank you.
All right,
this one nobody got,
not even the black dude
got this.
All right, you're
walking down the street, right,
a black dude comes up to you,
he hands you two dimes
and a nickel
and says
may I have a
what does he want?
(men and women)
Case quarter.
See, nobody got
"case quarter."
Who was the only
black sweathog?
No idea.
Correct answer, of course,
Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington.
But he didn't happen to have
the answer (clap) handy.
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