Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e07 Episode Script

World Series of Dice

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(woman) And now, a moment
in the life of Lil' Jon.
Lil' Jon?
I understand you may have
fractured your arm.
Let's take a look.
Does this hurt?
Does this?
Not really, no.
What about this?
All right then.
Do you have your proof
of insurance?
Proof of insurance?
Proof of insurance?
Proof of insurance?
Proof of insurance?
Proof of insurance?
Your proof of insurance?
Your proof of insurance?
Your proof of insurance?
Proof of insurance?
Oh, it's right here.
Now, do you do
any recreational drugs?
Do you do any
recreational drugs?
That depends doctor.
What do you
define as "drugs?"
Absolutely not.
Yeah, yeah!
Pardon me?
Nothing, just writing.
I didn't say anything.
Be done in a second.
Need anything?
No, I'm cool.
You've just watched
a moment in
the life of Lil' Jon.
Dave Chappelle!
Hey, hey,
oh, what's happening, yo?
What's up everybody?
Welcome to
the Chappelle show.
Thank you for
being here.
You know, folks,
you might've heard me say this
publicly many times,
but this time
I mean it.
I've, I've quit
smoking reefer.
No, I'm serious
this time, man.
This I'm done.
I don't want to
smoke it no more.
Them commercials be workin'
on me, man.
Every time I
seen them commercials,
they just had me
feeling bad.
Especially this one.
(man) Let me get my cheddar burger, man.
Hold your horses, man.
We all hungry.
Are your horses
here, yo?
(man) Yo, let me hold them for you, man.
Let me get my
cheddar burger, man.
We've been here
a long time.
You all right.
No, cheddar
for you, man.
Give me a
cheddar burger, man.
Man, chill out with
that cheddar burger.
Yeah, chill out.
Yo, it was in your hand
the whole time, stupid.
You gotta eat
that burger, dude.
You killed her, yo!
Come on, man, we gotta
chop her body up
and stuff it
down the drain!
Let's go, let's get
the fuck outta here!
I can't, man,
there's people back there.
Fuck it.
Come on!
Let's go, let's go!
I just love the fact
that I have a show
where we can run over a kid
and everyone just
busts out laughing.
Only this show.
Well, folks,
here he is
America's favorite,
my favorite
Mr. Paul Mooney.
And now, "Mooney On Movies."
Our first film is
"Gone With The Wind."
This film is an epic romance
centering around
Scarlett O'Hara,
a damsel in distress
during the Civil War.
It is a must-own,
must-see movie.
I highly recommend it.
I couldn't agree
with you more.
I've actually seen
"Gone With The Wind"
13 times since I was
10 years old.
No kidding.
You must be on crack.
I don't think we've seen
the same movie.
I thought Scarlett was a ho,
because she went bed with
everybody, uh, but Mammy.
Um, I love Mammy.
Mammy was the best
the best scene
in the movie
is when Mammy
told the white people,
"get off my porch,
white trash!"
I stood and I applauded.
I loved
every bit of it.
I liked Mammy, though.
I really I thought
she was great.
I thought she
had a great role
do you know in real life
it was Hattie McDaniels?
They wouldn't let "Mammy"
go to the opening.
That's a shame.
Hollywood no, no
Hollywood goes
too far.
But she's dead,
but she's dead
but everybody comes back,
everybody comes back
to get their money.
She came back
as Oprah Winfrey
to get her money.
Barbershop is
a smart comedy about
a day in the life
of a black barbershop
on the south side
of Chicago.
It is owned by Ice Cube
and inhabited by
a colorful cast of characters
who bicker with one another
in various hilarious ways.
a sequel was made.
You know it's just a front.
It really they really sell
drugs out of barbershops.
"The Last Samurai"
centers around Tom Cruise,
a Civil War veteran
who goes to Japan
and teaches the emperor's
troops how to fight.
Mr. Mooney?
No, no, another
movie that's
I was offended by.
I mean,
Hollywood is crazy.
"The Last Samurai"
starring Tom Cruise?
He's the
last samurai?
Give me a break.
That movie
was offensive.
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
First, they have
"The Mexican" with Brad Pitt,
and now they've got
"The Last Samurai"
with Tom Cruise.
Well, I've written
a film.
Maybe they'll, maybe
they'll produce my film:
"The Last Nigger On Earth"
starring Tom Hanks.
How about that?
Were gonna take a
quick commercial break.
Well be right back,
don't go nowhere.
Ha-ha, go ahead.
Welcome back to
Chappelle's Show, everybody.
Now, has anybody ever
seen this thing on ESPN,
these poker games now.
Like poker
I didn't even know
poker was a sport.
They that's weird,
Poker championships.
I didn't know that
gambling was so acceptable.
And then I was watching
late at night
they have actually, like,
blacks, like, black gambling,
like the "World Series
of Dice."
It's crazy.
I'm serious,
it's right look.
(man) Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to
the Marcy Projects
here in Brooklyn,
New York.
Why are we here?
To buy weed?
Not this time, Bill.
Nope, every one knows
we're here for one reason
and one reason only,
we're here for
the Eighth Annual
"World Series of Dice."
Well, that's right, Rob.
Some of the greatest players
from around the world
have gathered here to
compete for the grand prize:
One another's money
and bragging rights
for the whole year.
Let's meet them,
these kings of click-clack.
From Kansas City, Missouri,
legendary shooter
Grits n' Gravy.
Grits n' Gravy.
Kansas city, missouri.
Flying in from
the far east is Phyuck Yiu.
One of the premier
dice players
in the eastern hemisphere.
He has played dice in some
of the gullyest of games.
Phyuck Yiu.
Konichiwa, bitches!
Drop the card, baby!
And that's
Leonard Washington.
You know they say,
"papa didn't
take no mess."
Well, neither does Leonard.
My name's
Leonard Washington.
Where I'm from?
A little town called,
"none of your
goddamned business."
Let's play
some dice, bitches.
And finally, from these
very projects, local legend
Ashy Larry.
Why do they call him
Ashy Larry?
Well, there's your answer.
Ashy Larry.
Marcy Projects.
Marcy, son what.
Okay, Larry gets
first roll.
Let's see how he does.
That man is drier than
Kunta Kinte's ankle.
Come on, let's go.
I stole this money outta
my girl purse.
She think I'm out
emptying the trash.
Come on, baby,
I need this.
What you need is
some chapstick
and a set of trousers.
Roll the dice you
Ashy motherfucker,
start the game.
All right, but I'm about
to go from Ashy to classy.
Ooh, and just like that,
Ashy Larry is eliminated.
She's gonna kill me,
Kiesha gonna kill me.
Larry, what the fuck
are you doing?
I was okay, remember,
I was emptying the trash
and that better
not be the money
out of my goddamned purse!
I was okay
pick the shit up
and get the fuck out of here.
That's just what I'm
trying to tell you!
I was just taking
the trash out.
You hear me, I was
just taking the trash
she is gonna
fuck him up.
You said it, Bill.
Okay, Grits n' Gravy
is up next.
Now, Grits is
most known for once rolling
77 sevens in a row at a
casino in Las Vegas,
making him a
millionaire in the process.
Well, you know, Rob,
earlier today
we asked him what
he did with the money.
Let's take a look.
I bought my momma a car
and I spent the rest on PCP.
Okay, simple enough.
I like his style.
Loves his mother.
Loves PCP.
Grits n' Gravy
is ready to roll.
Let's see how he does.
Come on, put in.
Put up
or shut up.
All right,
just hold on.
Time to double up!
Here to take
everybody money.
What you all know
about seven?
Pay me!
Boy, you are
the goddamned devil.
Put it down there,
put it down there!
Let's spread this
around, yes!
A'ight, you know what,
I'm tired.
I ain't got all day.
I got babies to kiss
and bitches to catch.
All in.
All in?
I see you.
And Leonard
laying it on thick.
An incredible stare down
Leonard and Grits.
Look at the flaring nostrils.
Make's me
want to throw up.
Snake eyes!
And just like that,
Grits is eliminated.
And when I leave,
come together like butt cheeks.
And it comes down
to these two men,
Leonard Washington
and Phyuck Yiu.
I want everybody in here
to get butt-ass naked!
Get your goddamn
clothes off!
This is a robbery.
And almost on cue
the game gets robbed.
Local thug,
Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,
breaking into the
Marcy Projects hallway here
and telling us all
to get butt naked.
You know, Bill,
dice games get robbed.
It happens all the time.
They very rarely come
to a reasonable end.
TV is no different.
What you waiting
for, cool breeze?
Get butt naked
right now!
Get it off, son!
First of all, you better
check your tone with me, man
because I don't think you know
who you're talking to.
I'm Leonard Washington,
I don't get
butt-naked for nobody.
You want this role, nigga,
you gonna have to
shoot me.
This motherfucker
has lost his mind.
And Leonard takes
a slug to the leg.
Oh, but I'll tell ya
something, Rob,
you noticed he shot him
below the waist,
so it's not
attempted murder.
That was very intelligent
on Quills part.
Quills knows the law.
This is why black people
don't have nothin'
this is just what
they want us to do.
Your mother
ain't shit.
And just in time, here comes
dumb-ass Ashy Larry.
Where the dice?
Where the dice?
Where the dice?
Yo, give me that
money, son!
Go upstairs and put on
some lotion, right now!
Something told me
just to empty the trash.
Well, Rob, I gotta admit,
I saw this robbery coming
from a mile away,
which is why I put
my car keys up my ass.
Quick thinking.
That's right bitch, get
them goddamn clothes off.
Get that money up,
get that money up!
Okay, okay.
So, on behalf of Bill Burr
and Quills,
I'm Robert Pet
Get that ring off,
get that ring off, man!
Sorry honey.
So long from
the Marcy Projects
and "The World Series
of Dice."
Hopefully, next year,
we'll be able to get
all the way through it,
but probably not.
Shut the fuck up, man!
Put them cameras
in a box!
We're gonna take a
quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
Look out
Turn on your TV
What you gonna see?
Hey, welcome back, guys.
Welcome back.
I'm just handling mine,
that's all.
Welcome back
to the Chappelle's Show.
I'm Dave and I
"keep it real."
Sometimes "keeping it real"
can go horribly wrong.
We got to pick our spots.
It's good to be
real sometimes;
it's good to be
phony sometimes.
Yes, I said it.
You think I'm this nice
in real life?
Fuck that, son!
It's because
I'm on TV.
I'm wild!
I pull my balls out
right now, I don't care.
Skeet, skeet,
skeet, skeet.
If you don't believe me,
that "keeping it real"
ain't the best thing,
then take a look at this.
(man) You're watching "When
'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong."
Vernon Franklin was an
exceptional young man.
He was the valedictorian
of his high school class,
won several scholarships,
and became the first person in
his family to attend college.
He got a good job and worked
14-hour days six days a week,
quickly becoming the youngest
Vice President
in the history of
the Viacorp Corporation,
ending the cycle of violence
and drug addiction
that had plagued his
family for generations.
The officers of his company
were wrapping up the usual
Thursday meeting in
the south conference room
when Frank Murphy, the man who
had mentored Vernon,
made an awkward comment.
Vernon, great job,
You the man!
Give me
some skin, huh!
Vernon got along with all of
the people he worked with,
which in his heart
of hearts made him feel
like an Uncle Tom.
Though he could've ignored
the comment his mentor made,
Vernon decided to
"keep it real."
Get your motherfucking
hand out of my face.
You heard me, motherfucker.
Get your hands
out of my face!
What do you think
this is, man?
Just shake
my hand like a man!
Here give me some five
on the blackhand side
with all
this crazy jive.
That's bullshit.
Do you want a little
soft shoe?
Should I juggle some
watermelons for you, boss?
Fuck all that, nigga.
Hey, Vernon, buddy
get your motherfucking
hands off me, Frank!
This ain't a game.
This isn't
the Vernon I know.
Allow me reintroduce myself,
my name is Homes.
You ain't never heard
that before, have ya?
Rap music, gangsta.
I used to beat
motherfuckers up just like you,
just for walking around
my way!
Vernon, Vernon, buddy
you better sit
the fuck down, Frank.
I said sit down,
Thug life!
You think it's
a game, nigger?
Today, Vernon works at
"Sonny's Filler-Up"
on Route 80
in New Jersey.
He makes $6.45 an hour
and stinks of gasoline even
when he's not at the station.
It's as real
as it can be.
A dollar?
What am I gonna get with
a dollar, nigga?
I got kids, and that's real.
Vernon Franklin,
once a heartwarming story
of perseverance
today, a sparkling example
of "When 'Keeping It Real'
Goes Wrong."
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
We'll be right back
after these messages.
The greatest show.
Tonight's musical guests,
two of Chicago's
finest MCs,
give it up for
Common and Kanye West.
Common Sense, yeah
yeah, it's Common Sense
with Kanye West
on the Dave Chappelle show.
Everybody gotta eat,
right, y'all
it's the food, baby
I walked in
the crib
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
so I had to did
what I had to did
'cause I had
the kid
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
up all night
gettin' my money right
until the blue
and white's
po-po po-po po-po
now the money
comin' slow
but at least a nigga know
slow motion better than
no-oh no-oh no-oh
you love to hear
the story again and again
about these young brothers
from the city of wind
like juice and gin
in the city we blend
amongst the hustle,
titties and skin
50s and rims
y'all know the sprewell's
and trucks that's detailed
heartless females that
wanna ride in 'em
felt the southside venom
with rawhides and denim
pimp minds collide with 'em
in a system that tries victims
we livin' it my man in
the fast lane pivotin'
on the block white is sellin'
like Eminem
on the block get
"jumped off" like kim and them
on the block is hot you can
feel it in your skin and then
shorties get the game but no
instructions to assembling
eyes bright it seems
like the fight is dimmin' them
call my man cuzo like
I'm kin to him
he tryin' to stay straight
the streets is bendin' him
I walked in the crib
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
and so I to did what I had to
did 'cause I had the kid
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
yo, I'm up all night
gettin' my money right
until the blue
and white's
po-po po-po po-po
now the money comin'
slow but at least a nigga
know slow motion
better than
no-oh no-oh no-oh
it's all good in
the hood like raps and gems
throwbacks and timbs
blacks and rims
whether on ball courts
attires of all sorts
we never fall short
with us, it's all force
like air-1s
some waves
some air guns
the days of the fair one
is over for
cats is colder
than four below
myself I go toe-to-toe
wonderin' if it's for
the art of for the dough
though I know to grow a nigga
gotta learn to let go
though I know the Dough i
gotta bring back to the ghetto
arrows on tarot cards
pointing to the grind
po' livin' in more
prisons pointing to my mind
shine the light up
clench my fist tight
holdin' the right up
freedom fightin' dark year for
the years to get brighter
and jobs get tighter
my man tried to get his weight
and height up, come on
I walked in the crib
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
so I had to did
what I had to did
'cause I had the kid
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
I'm up all night
gettin' my money right
until the blue
and white's
po-po po-po po-po
now the money comin' slow
but at least a nigga know
slow motion
better than
no-oh no-oh no-oh
hey yo I, I know i
could make it right
if I could just swallow
my pride
but I can't run away
or put my gun away
you can't front on me
i, no I can't
let it ride
no, no, not tonight
no I can't run away
or put my gun away
you can't
front on me
Common and Kanye.
I like to thank you guys
for watching.
I'll see
ya next week.
I'm out.
(applause & cheering)
I'm rich, biatch.
(horn honking)
thank you.
Get your motherfucking hands
off me, man!
Are you trying
to get choked?
I've seen people shit
on the street
because they've
got no toilet.
This isn't
the Vernon I know.
What did you say?
You think this
is a game?
You think this
is a fucking game?!
Now tell me brother,
where you gonna go
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