Charlie (1984) s01e02 Episode Script

GUBU

BRIAN FARRELL: The Taoiseach has still not returned from Aras on Uachtarain, let me remind you that under the Constitution, typically a Taoiseach who has a majority in the Dail can go to the President and he can ask for a dissolution.
He can say I want a General Election.
A Taoiseach who has failed to retain his majority and obviously Dr Fitzgerald has so failed tonight he cannot demand the dissolution.
He can ask for it and it is in the absolute discretion of the President whether he gives it or not.
No dice.
By the time we got through, Fitzgerald had got to Paddy Hillery.
I think he knew that we were trying to twist his arm and he wasn't answering.
The long and the short of it is, the President won't be letting you form a minority government without holding an election first.
Another election will bankrupt the party.
A bankrupt party is the natural party of government for a bankrupt country.
And Hillery's meant to be Fianna Fail.
He is the President of the Republic, he must follow the constitution.
An election it is to be then.
We need to ask our supporters, and our business supporters to dig deep.
So let's make sure we win a majority this time.
(Radio) For the second election in a row Mr Haughey has failed to secure an overall majority.
But this time at least he's within touching distance of a working majority.
The Worker's Party and disparate independent TDs now hold Mr Haughey's future in their hands.
It's all there, Tony.
The four mill for the 500 new jobs for the inner city? 3500 over the next three years? And 440 new homes for my constituency, and 1600 for the rest of Dublin? Your dream is now my dream.
Why shouldn't Dublin be another London, with shining glass NatWest towers and a financial sector to match? Let's start with homes with running water and an inside jacks! Wealth creates wealth, Tony.
I grew up on a council estate not two miles from this office.
My father was an invalid, my mother raised seven of us on her own.
My whole political journey derives from that experience.
Making sure you don't have to live in poverty again, or that no one does? If you want to change the world, you've got to play the game.
It's simple, you get 80 million and rising, I get your vote.
Dublin gets 80 mill.
The chance won't come around again.
Well as Al Capone used to say, it's been a pleasure doing business with you.
Charlie! Oh hello, how are you? Keep it going, Charlie! I'll do my best.
How are you, Jacinta? I'm well, you know, times have been better.
Well, have no fear.
Good times are just around the corner.
Thought I'd drop the Mammy in a copy.
How is she? She'll outlive us all.
Charlie, aren't you the man of the moment? This and every moment.
It's not a coalition, Ma, it's a minority government.
Well just make sure they let you be your own man.
Just let them try to stop me.
I have to go Ma.
Got to choose my cabinet.
Make sure you choose the right ones this time.
Education? And will I be Tanaiste? You'll not blackmail me this time.
You're a busted flush, Colley.
So it is your decision not to be part of my government.
I have supporters in this party too.
Well I hope they've warmed you a seat on the backbenches.
Who do you have in mind for Justice? O'Malley.
Trade with Commerce and Tourism.
You want to split the department? Trade or nothing.
But what about Industry? Reynolds wants that.
You want me to turn it down.
Someone will have to keep an eye on you.
Who do you have you in mind for Justice? Before you appoint Doherty, ask him why he left Special Branch.
I was Minister then, I've seen the file.
PJ said you wanted to see me, Mr Haughey.
Taoiseach.
Yes, I wanted to tell you personally that if you ever dare take this prick's side against me again I'll see to it that you are deselected and your legal practice destroyed.
Now fuck off out of my sight.
Sean Doherty has his limitations, Desmond, but he is loyal.
More than can be said for you pricks.
We are loyal to the Republic, to the constitution.
Doherty This time round, I want men around me I can trust.
But Men who will look out for me, my interests, and let me know what I need to know.
And not burden or compromise me with that which I don't need to know.
Okay boss.
There are people out there who are bent on bringing me down.
But we sorted the pricks They're just amateurs.
There are foreign agents at work, the media, the guards, the North, the government itself, who see me as a threat to their interests.
You mean like Brits? They tried to destroy me in 1970.
And Lynch, O'Malley and the rest were only too happy to play along.
They sought to undermine my last government at every turn.
I need someone to watch my back.
Your back is my back, boss.
So you want me in Justice, boss? Do you want me to get down on one knee, Doherty? Rock and roll! Fucking thanks boss.
Fucking brilliant.
Fuck them bastards.
Fuck the fuckers who tried to give me the boot.
I'm top dog now.
I might remind you Doherty, as my father-in-law the former Taoiseach Mr Lemass observed, we are still a slightly constitutional party.
Sure boss, of course.
And you can start with that.
Your pal O'Connor who they caught voting twice? I am distantly acquainted with Mr O'Connor.
But it doesn't look good.
Deal with it.
PJ Yessss! I take it Justice has been served, Taoiseach.
I found Mr Ahern.
Boss.
Taoiseach.
Bertie, I've been watching you.
Just doing my best, Taoiseach.
Without my own majority, I'm going to need a shrewd operator to keep this government's head above water.
You mean whip, boss? Yes boss.
You can count on me.
Congratulations.
Thanks PJ.
And I'll need him all the more so since I'm sending you to the Senate, PJ.
The senate? The first rung of the ladder.
It would be good to have you round my ministerial table some day.
Taoiseach, I'm flattered, grateful but Mr Nally.
Taoiseach? My Washington trip, I want to know everything Mrs Thatcher has communicated, or not communicated to this office over the last eight months.
Did it work? O'Malley, did he fall for it? A most convincing performance.
I believed it myself.
He'll remember me won't he? A junior ministry without a doubt.
He never forgets a favour.
God bless! (GALLAGHER) Have Tony Gregory dancing to your tune already? Oh he's his own man.
Or is he a portrait of Chas as a young gun? No.
I would have got at least £180 million out of me.
I don't doubt it.
In fact, I must talk to you about the old cash flow, Des, it's getting a bit trixie and dixie.
Time and place, Patrick, come by the office tomorrow.
Will do.
John very kindly took care of the bill.
Once more I'm in your debt, John.
I hope that I am able to repay you in the service that I render the country.
Just make sure it's a place we can do business in.
I would say that was another successful evening, Des.
I think so, goodnight, Charlie.
Goodnight.
It's good to be back.
Once more, it seems, I'll have to share you with the nation.
This time I'll be calling the shots.
Well, while you were off almost nearly winning another election From Buckinghamshire Social Services.
Who's the father? She's 18 Charlie, she's not ours, if that's what worries you.
Ours would have been a lot younger.
Are you going to meet her? Who is the father? Why? Are you jealous? So we're doing this for Charlie? No, we're doing this thanks to Charlie.
It's for us.
The field? The site.
But where did you get the money? Friend of a friend.
You borrowed it? Shit, Jimmy, what if the Corpo don't vote your way? We'll get our legs broken.
That's why we're making sure the Corpo do vote our way.
Relax Devo, I'll sort it, right? DOORBELL Thought I'd deliver it to you in person, Mr Burke.
Be the bearer of good news.
And the colour supplements? Don't worry.
It's all there.
(MUSIC) HAIL TO THE CHIEF (RADIO) In his remarks to President Regan, Mr Haughey noted that whereas Lincoln sought to prevent the partition of his country we are seeking to bring to an end the partition of ours.
Irish people everywhere yearn for that day when their country will finally find peace and justice in unity.
I did think it a more advisable strategy to use the Whitehouse speech to lobby for American investment.
We need jobs.
Just like we've always done, swallow our pride and pull out the begging bowl.
I spoke to President Reagan as an equal.
If he didn't like it I'm sure he admired your forthrightness, Taoiseach, but he was never going to jeopardise his special relationship with Britain and Mrs Thatcher over Northern Ireland.
I have the official Downing Street response.
'How dare you raise matters internal to the UK with a foreign government.
' 'Tantamount to a declaration of war.
' How are we ever meant to get anywhere on the North, when Britain has a veto on us raising it at the UN, the EEC or with the US? TELEPHONE RINGS Yes.
Our friend Patrick Gallagher's overextended himself.
Been borrowing unofficially from his own bank.
Hand in the till, now the till's closed on his hand That's most upsetting news.
I hope I can rely on you to attend to the poor beast, and stop the contagion from spreading.
I'll see what I can do.
Everything alright Taoiseach? An outbreak of sarcoptic mange in my Charolais.
Was there anything else, Nally? The IMF have issued us with a private warning about our borrowing.
They are 'troubled' by the announcement of the Gregory deal.
They want a conference call urgently to discuss proposed cuts.
We need to borrow to dig ourselves out of this hole.
Stall them, I need to think.
Oh and there's a delegation of Iraqis waiting for you.
I apologise for keeping you waiting Mr.
Al Tikridi, I've just returned from Washington.
Please President Reagan is a good friend of the People of Iraq and of our President, Saddam Hussein.
As are we in Ireland.
And we are most grateful for the support of the Irish people, and you in particular Mr Haughey, for building the Irish Hospital in Baghdad when you were Minister for Health.
As you know we are currently at war with our neighbours in Iran.
But to defend the motherland against Iranian aggression, we must support a very large army.
Neutrality, I'm afraid, is a key tenet of the Irish constitution.
Please, you must understand.
We would not wish to compromise Ireland's neutrality, we simply wish to purchase some beef to feed our army.
How much? One hundred thousand tonnes.
Well that's a lot of beef.
Well we have a lot of army.
And no other EEC country will sell to us.
Nor produces such good quality beef, of course, as the Irish.
Taoiseach Mr Goodman, your representative in Baghdad, says it is possible.
Well If Mr Goodman says we can do it, then we can do it.
He is our leading beef producer, and he will have my government's full support.
And it must be Halal.
Yes, Halal, of course.
Excellent.
I have a gift for you, from President Hussein.
Thank you very much.
You are welcome.
Also an Iraqi ceremonial sword.
Well I shall have this hung in our parliament building as a sign of both our nations' emergence from colonial rule as modern republics.
For my friend President Hussein.
Thank you.
A hurley.
An ancient Irish weapon.
No wonder it took you so long to get rid of British! LAUGHTER Taoiseach, one hundred thousand tonnes is significantly more than we currently produce.
We'll have to produce it.
A deal like this could put all the IMF's concerns to bed.
But the EEC CAP, the quotas won't let us.
There's a beef mountain as it is.
Then we'll have to change those quotas.
Mrs Thatcher is firmly against Exactly! But with her veto in Brussels.
She's blocking all movement on the Common Agricultural Policy until Britain's budget contributions are lowered.
Mrs Thatcher is not the only voice on Europe.
What's your take on Mitterrand? A supporter of Vichy France, then joined the Resistance, then a Communist, then a Socialist.
Now he is enamoured of Mrs Thatcher's economics.
Foreign Affairs feel he's not to be trusted.
Can't be all bad then.
Beyond the seas and who ask the question are the few worth fighting for 'Prime Minister of the Irish Free State'?! Bitch.
A slip of the tongue.
That woman's tongue doesn't slip.
Maybe it was in her cheek then.
An old dig.
I think she's just a bit wound up with Argentina occupying her territory.
I'm a bit wound up with her occupying my territory.
I still remember to address her correctly.
You two you're like the Burton and Taylor of European politics.
Foreign Affairs were saying there's a strong feeling that we should be supporting her on the Falklands.
Who's feeling it? I'm not, and if I'm not feeling it, then the Irish people aren't.
Unless she can see her way to raising our beef production.
She'd never forgive us if we used that as a bargaining chip.
Well, I for one have been talking farm prices and quotas all day.
I'm bored out of my brainpan.
Why'd you give Collins Foreign and me Agriculture? Because the last time I entrusted it to you, you set Anglo-Irish relations back about 800 years.
Anyway, I do foreign.
I'm famished.
Do you want a sandwich? No.
Soixante quinze.
Pas mal.
Thank you.
Madame Pompadour? La maitresse du roi.
Monsieur Haughey, you have met Anne? I have just had the pleasure, President Mitterrand.
Francois.
Charles.
We both admire your country.
Anne has a house in Kerry.
Kerry, really? Well next time you are there, you must both be my guests on Inishvickillane, my own island.
We would be enchante.
Si vous voulez bien m'excuser.
Merci bien pour le Pomerol, M.
Haughey.
De rien.
If it is not too forward of me to say Charles you have a problem with Notre Dame d'Angleterre, non? She is a threat to us all.
Well with her Argentinean problems, perhaps she needs us, more than we need her.
The difficulty of the English, is the opportunity of the Irish? Gentlemen.
My Minister for Agriculture.
I'm afraid you must excuse me I must Seems decent enough.
I could get used to this.
Have you thought who might replace O'Kennedy as commissioner here? Dick Burke.
Dick Burke? But he's a Blueshirt.
If I give it to one of us, I'm another vote down in the Dail.
If I give it to one of the opposition then we go out and win his seat at a by-election and I'm two seats up.
Hello Dublin West! Taoiseach I'm only relaying what my officials in Foreign Affairs are saying.
They stress the necessity to support Britain's call for EEC sanctions and their Security Council motion demanding Argentina's immediate withdrawal.
Their stress is noted, Mr Nally.
They say if we vote against Britain, the British will isolate us politically, exclude us from any discussions on the North and it will make us deeply unpopular in our biggest export market, namely, Britain.
As soon as Britain says jump the whole of Foreign Affairs jumps.
The Brits are seeking to hang on to a colony that they stole from another country, and they expect us to condone their act of imperialism.
Even our diplomats might be able to see certain parallels.
I swear, if Foreign Affairs cross me on this I will fire every last one of them, and get some patriots with testicles to do their jobs for them.
We have no choice, Taoiseach.
Of course we do, there's always a choice.
Even if we've got to do something we don't want to do, at least we should do it to our advantage.
We'll vote for the sanctions.
But make it clear we support them only in so far as Argentina cease all military action, and that ownership of the islands be determined by a neutral body.
But if Britain resorts to military action, we withdraw all support for the sanctions.
In that case, we would of course reconsider.
We would withdraw support.
The Minister for Finance wanted a word before cabinet, Taoiseach.
Minister.
Ray, don't tell me, we've won the Sweepstakes.
We must make big deep cuts now.
What about our investment initiatives? Drops in the ocean.
The beef deal? Won't step in until further down the line.
This needs to be dealt with now.
Or the IMF will come in and make these cuts for us.
That will not happen on my watch.
But the deal with Gregory.
He needs to continue to believe we're still going to invest.
He's going to find out soon enough we're not.
He needs to believe.
It's the cabinet I'm worried about.
Leave them to me.
But we need a plan, a plan so we can move forward.
Cuts, yes, but also a way towards growth, stimulate business.
I and my team could draw one up, but it will take time.
Do it.
And build Gregory's plans into it.
KNOCK ON DOOR Ray Burke is on the line from Dublin West.
The By-Election is not going well.
Tell him to throw everything at it.
New schools, new jobs, new trees for the road.
Taoiseach! Give me chastity and financial continence, Ray, but not just yet.
Mitterrand, what's he like? Impressive.
Intelligent.
Perfect manners.
And her? Nice.
Stylish? I suppose.
Understated.
Understated, French, three days.
All we could fit around our families' holidays.
So you and I get to spend three days and three nights together? With them.
He liked the idea of the island.
We can relax, be ourselves, no possibility of prying eyes.
Well, I'll need new clothes, if I'm going to play the role of hostess and consort.
Luckily Des Traynor dropped by this morning.
I've arranged to meet her next week.
Who? My long lost daughter; I'm nervous, Charlie.
You'll like them.
Francois and Anne.
He's a real statesman.
Someone I can talk to on a level.
I'm expected back.
Buy yourself something nice.
If I'm to be your whore, then I expect to be the best paid whore in Dublin.
Fuck's sake, Doherty! 'Cabinet consider savage cuts.
' You were there, Doherty.
I was.
I made you swear to secrecy.
You did boss.
What's the world coming to when you can't trust a minister's promise, eh? There's a leak.
You're Minister for Justice.
I want to know where it's coming from.
Okay.
I'll I'll get to work, so.
Oh, and I nearly forgot, Pat O'Connor, Pat O'Connor.
You're in danger of repeating yourself, Doherty.
Your pal, the agent, 'acquaintance', that's what they're calling him.
The witnesses changed their statements after another Super took a second statement.
A second statement? Way I see it, if his opponents can accuse him of voting twice, then the Guards are entitled to take two statements.
And no pressure was brought to bear? The witnesses happily amended their accounts.
The Taoiseach is in conference with the Minister for Justice, Mr Gregory, you can't go in there.
It's alright, Mr Nally.
First I can never get hold of you because you're off playing the international statesman, then you call a Dublin West by-election so you don't need my vote anymore? Dublin West is to get rid of the Workers Party.
Now, fiscal fucking rectitude.
Cuts across the board! Who wrote that, Tony? Bruce Arnold? Dick Walsh? Geraldine fucking Kennedy? They are just the parasites on the body politic.
'This clear shift in economic policy signals that Mr Haughey is set to renege on his extravagant vote buying deal with Tony Gregory.
' You have a deal with me, Tony, and I'm still at this desk.
This scheme is the kind of scheme I've wanted our party to adopt for years but the culchies kick up every time I try to do anything for Dublin.
This deal has given me the chance.
What can I do to show you that I'm in earnest about renovating our city, Tony? KNOCK ON DOOR Sorry Charlie, Dublin West has fallen.
I signed a deal with you, Tony, and I'll stand by it.
But now, I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me while I ring the disappointed candidate.
SOUND OF SCREAMING AND BANGING Nally, get me Jimmy 'Killester'.
And call an engineer, my phone appears to be broken.
What's this? A gift from 'the unappreciative bastards of Dublin West.
' Charlie ordered them moved to your constituency.
'A token of urban regeneration.
' Fuck's sake, Charlie! (TV REPORTER) The incident happened about thirty five miles north east of the Kish lighthouse early this afternoon.
A 70 foot trawler owned by the McEvoy family of Clogherhead had its nets out when fishermen on other vessels say it was suddenly dragged backwards at high speed Nally get on to Downing Street and find out what in the name of fuck is going on.
I want the British ambassador in here, now.
(TV REPORTER) Fishermen here at Clogherhead Heard the news, boss.
(TV REPORTER) than a submarine could have pulled the Sharelga backward at ten knots for two miles So why a fishing trawler? Symbolism.
Part of the national fleet.
They want you to stay in line on the Argentine question.
Warn you off linking that situation with the North.
How do they know what I'm thinking? What we've long suspected, the Brits have infiltrated the highest offices of our State.
We've moved to a new level.
Taoiseach, I'm really not sure TELEPHONE RINGS Leave it with the Doc.
Yes? Leonard Figg, the British Ambassador is here, Taoiseach.
Tell the UN delegation in New York to be on standby for a motion of censure against the UK on the Security Council.
You summoned me? Yes, I summoned you.
I want to know what is the meaning of this? A fishing trawler, dragged backwards at the rate of twenty knots for miles before it broke up.
I'm afraid Her Majesty's government cannot take responsibility, Taoiseach.
There were five men on that boat, they had to jump for their lives.
I'm very sorry to hear it.
So what are you suggesting did it? A giant fish? A mermaid? Perhaps it was a sea monster, a Leviathan.
Yes, the Leviathan of the British State in the shape of a submarine.
As I said, Taoiseach.
You said you cannot take responsibility, but you will.
The British government will apologise to us.
And you tell your Prime Minister I will not be threatened.
She starts a war over the Falklands, we will withdraw our EEC and UN Security Council support for sanctions against Argentina.
(TV REPORTER) The attack came about eight hours after a British submarine torpedoed and damaged the 14,000 ton Argentine cruiser General Belgrano.
It's the second largest warship in the Argentine fleet.
The military authorities in Buenos Aires said the cruiser was outside the two hundred mile No.
Got you, Margaret.
KNOCK ON DOOR Taoiseach.
(TV REPORTER) And there have been no reports of casualties in either attack.
On the question of sanctions Ireland can no longer support measures which are complementary to military action.
Indeed it would be better for European union if the Community as a whole was not seen to support this action.
But we will stand alone if necessary.
SOUND OF CHEERING Do other European leaders support this stance? I know some do privately.
But not publicly? Isn't this stance not highly irresponsible? I beg your pardon Mr Arnold? It could have long term implications for Anglo-Irish relations and any progress you hoped to make on the North.
Mr Arnold, I don't know who you have been talking to, but might I remind you that you are a guest of this nation, and there are limits to even our famous hospitality.
Are you threatening me, Mr Haughey? No, I'm saying you should watch yourself, Mr Arnold.
Her personal secretary rang to postpone the next Anglo-Irish summit indefinitely, Taoiseach.
A small regrettable sacrifice to make.
And Murdoch's paper the Sun launched a 'boycott Irish butter' campaign.
It simply highlights their vestigial racism.
They say our lack of support for sanctions highlights ours.
They'll do their best to isolate us in Europe.
I have friends in Europe.
I would like to place on record my opposition to this.
Put it on record, Mr Nally, and release it as an LP, I'm sure it will be a big hit in Dublin 4.
As I mentioned at our last meeting, Ray and his team have drawn up a list of cuts - The Way Forward.
If you missed that meeting, most of the headlines made it into the newspapers.
These cuts are the necessary precursor to a comprehensive plan to rebuild this country as a modern, wealthy Republic.
But the cuts will be controversial.
To minimise debate, we will present them in the Finance Bill to the Dail just before the recess.
You have a problem with that, Mr O'Malley? I have a problem with lack of debate, yes.
Anyone got anything else to say on the matter? I wonder if the Workers Party and Tony Gregory are going to go for these cuts? Turkeys and Christmas, and that.
You obviously don't know how to talk to your turkeys in Longford, Mr Reynolds.
LAUGHTER That's what we've got Bertie for.
He will make it clear to them that the detailed cuts are necessary for national survival, and that if they vote against it, they will be publicly and roundly blamed by us and others for bringing down the government, and destroying the economy for their own sectional interests.
What about the current state of relations with Britain? What about them, Mr.
O'Malley? Are they not in the state they're in thanks to your own sectional interests? You call being opposed to the retention by force of illegally acquired colonies sectional? I call jeopardising relations with our biggest trading partner while the economy is in the toilet, all because of your personal feelings towards the British Prime Minister, and a desire to posture on the world stage, sectional, yes.
Mr O'Malley, you obviously fail to understand that there is more than posturing, in your case the pose of the self righteous prig, to politics.
The decision I have taken in relation to the United Kingdom's military actions against the Falklands, or should I say Malvinas Islands is the morally correct one for this country.
Hear hear.
But, if they are willing to relax their hardline approach to the EEC CAP and our beef quotas in particular, we might be prepared to relax our stance.
How is that bad for trade? Hear hear.
Now, if we can move on Sorry I'm late boss, I've just heard, opposition has lodged a no confidence motion against you.
Well, for once it's coming from the opposition and not from my own party.
What are they saying that I've done now? Eavesdropping on their calls? How could the Blueshirts know? Because Fitzgerald was probably at it too.
Fitzgerald? He was Taoiseach for eight months.
This was his office.
It's on county council land The engineer must have discovered it when he fixed my phone.
The old PABX? Sure that's just, you know, accidental eavesdropping.
I thought you meant they were accusing us of, phone tapping.
Phone tapping? Why would they be accusing us of that, Doherty? I don't know, boss.
And I don't want to know.
Want me to dig some muck to throw back at them? No.
I want you to make this problem go away.
And have Bertie schedule the confidence motion before the finance bill.
Taoiseach, Mr Leonard Figg, the British Ambassador is here to see you.
I'm told you have something you want to say to me, Ambassador.
I have been advised to convey to you that having investigated the matter, Her Majesty's Government takes full responsibility for the sinking of the fishing trawler Sharelga.
And offers the Irish Government and the fishermen involved a full and unreserved apology.
Thank you, Mr Figg.
That wasn't so hard was it? Ambassador.
Mr Nally.
I also understand Mrs Thatcher has dropped her opposition to raising our beef quotas to ensure your and President Mitterrand's continued support on sanctions.
Thank you Mr Nally.
There wasn't something else, was there? I believe I owe you an apology too, Taoiseach.
Thank you, Mr Nally.
You see, you have to stand up to bullies.
I do my best Taoiseach.
O'Malley.
McCreevy.
You think it's not safe to talk in the House? I wouldn't give a racing tip over the phone.
There's talk of Doherty using the police To listen in? Settling old scores.
We have to move.
Him and his supporters are getting more fascistic by the day.
If we went with the opposition on the confidence motion Suicide, McCreevy.
We'd be crucified by our own lot for going with Fitzgerald.
When then? November.
In the meantime, work the backbenches, make sure we get the numbers this time.
George Colley was terrible at numbers.
Have two and three people approach each likely supporter.
To be sure, to be sure, like? But in the Dail, on the phone, at home, even nothing.
Whatever you say, say nothing.
(TV REPORTER) Mr Haughey stunned the opposition today as he turned the no confidence motion to his advantage, crushing the Opposition in a vote which further cemented his hold over an embattled Fianna Fail party.
APPLAUSE The cat of nine lives, Charlie.
The Blueshirts thought they had you with this eavesdropping rubbish.
Pissing in the wind.
When the Doc revealed that every top exec in the country had the self same phone system the look on their faces.
Only because I just fucking bought them all one.
And putting the vote before the first reading of the finance bill! Sure Tony Gregory and the Workers Party had to vote for it.
I'm sure they saw the no confidence for what it was.
The unfounded accusations of a bitter, anti-democratic faction.
Better not turn my back on you when you're armed with a lethal weapon, Desmond.
You'll need a much bigger stake to drive through his heart to keep him down, O'Malley.
I wanted a word with you Charlie, before the holliers about the farmers.
What are they moaning about now? Apparently Kerry's going to sink under the weight of the unsold butter due to this Murdoch campaign.
Why don't we give it to the unemployed? Let them eat butter.
To lubricate the wheels of economic recovery.
Senator Mara.
Taoiseach.
You and Social Welfare draw up some plans over the holidays.
How goes it in our upper chamber? Well I've done more interesting things in less august chambers.
Congratulations on your latest escape act.
You see, I'm surviving without you.
We must talk some time, PJ.
But now, my holiday guests await.
Slan abhaile, Taoiseach.
CLAPPING C'est merveilleuse.
Look! You are tres drole, Madame Keane.
Ah Terry, Francois, s'il vous plait.
What are you two looking at? Dolphins.
Look.
Seen one, seen them all.
A glass of Veuve Cliquot, Anne, cherie? Sure.
I understand your attraction to the sea, Charles.
The infinite.
The imponderable.
Yet that which must be mastered and navigated.
Oh yes he's very masterful Francois, though his navigational skills are sometimes awry.
You are all welcome to Inishvickillane.
My other island.
Salut! Ortolan, Ortolan, oh my God, it's a finch? Perhaps it is just a finch, as you say, Terry, but so rare and exquisite is the Ortolan, and so violent its death, that only a true king might eat it.
LAUGHTER It is caught high up in the forest.
Its eyes are plucked out by the hunter, so it might not see what is to become of it.
After, it is fed by hand on grain until it is four times its original size.
The chef then drowns it in cognac.
It is then cooked in the oven for seven minutes, no more no less.
And so cruel is its fate, we must cover our heads as we eat to hide our shame from God.
For God's sake! Now you must put the whole bird into your mouth, with only the beak protruding from your lips.
Bite down cleanly, then chew gently.
You will taste three things.
First, the sweetness of the flesh and fat.
This is the taste of God.
Then, the bitterness of the entrails will overwhelm you.
This is the taste of the suffering of Jesus.
Finally, as your teeth crack the small, delicate bones and they begin to pierce your gums, you will taste the salt of your own blood.
Excuse me, I can't watch this.
This is the Holy Spirit, the mystery of the Trinity, blood, fat, entrails.
Three united as one.
It is cruel.
And it is beautiful, n'est-ce pas? And now Charles, you have eaten of the food of the Gods.
TELEPHONE RINGS Yes? Sorry.
Explain that to me again? It wasn't the blue tit you shoved whole down your gullet, that's not why I left the room.
Terry, a murderer the Guards have been scouring the country for has been found in the apartment of my Attorney General.
You might as well have fucked her there on the dining room table.
That's why? My Attorney General took a murderer to an All-Ireland semi at Croke Park, in his state car, had him sit with the top brass of the Garda Siochana! A man who bludgeoned a nurse to death in broad daylight in the Phoenix Park.
This is no time for petty jealousies, this is a constitutional crisis.
Yes, I understand that, but there's always something, something between us, when do you ever have the time for me? You know why Anne seems classier than me? Because he treats her with respect.
She has her own flat on the Quai d'Orsay.
She has a daughter by him who can live with her openly.
I'd never heard you so relieved that when I rang to tell you I'd lost ours.
That is not Oh come on! You were relieved, admit it.
She even has her own dedicated branch of security.
What the fuck have I got? An expense account at Le Coq Hardi and a room we can use to fuck in at the Burlington of an afternoon.
My daughter, the one in England, her father wasn't some actor like I told you.
It was Donogh, Donogh O'Malley.
Dessie O'Malley's uncle and I fucking loved him.
With a passion.
There was a real man.
(TV REPORTER) Another unlucky Friday the 13th for Charles Haughey.
Armed detectives arrested a wanted man Malcolm McArthur at the flat of Patrick Connolly, his Attorney General.
Have they run him to ground? McArthur? No, my Attorney fucking General.
The embassy in New York have him.
You're meant to get me out of legal messes, Connolly, not into them.
There wasn't anything queer going on was there? I want you and your resignation on the next Concorde, that's what I want.
No, the Attorney General was entirely innocent of the suspect's actions and is himself not suspected of any wrong-doing.
Was McArthur and Connolly having a homosexual affair? Mr Connolly might have sheltered a murderer in his flat for a week, but any suggestion that there was anything of a sexual nature going on is slanderous and defamatory to his good character and I take exception to it.
It was grotesque and unprecedented.
Bizarre, unbelievable.
A fine piece of Garda work.
Slow, painstaking, putting the whole thing together and finding the right man.
SHOUTING Please, please, please don't publish that last remark.
It will of course be seen at trial whether he's the right man PJ, where's PJ? Mr Mara? I want him.
I need him.
(RADIO) Grotesque, unprecedented, bizarre, unbelievable, GUBU.
Mr Haughey's GUBU politics have come to characterise this government and the Irish body politic.
That was Conor Cruise O'Brien I talked to RTE and they're not happy.
They said it's their duty to report, and if the BBC and UTV go ahead they'll look like they were got to.
Would they rather a murderer to go free? What about the BBC and UTV? No love lost on you after the Falklands.
Have no fear, have no fear, the Doc is here.
Sounds like I've been missing all the fun.
I wouldn't be surprised if this McArthur entered a guilty plea.
In which case there'd be no trial to prejudice.
By the way, I got you this on me holidays.
A pinata, it's for hitting.
Mr O'Malley, Garda matters, as we both know since we have both held the post, are the jurisdiction of the Minister for Justice.
But these complaints pertain to the Minister for Justice so therefore do concern the cabinet.
Since when do we discuss unfounded rumours at cabinet level.
A series of articles are about to be published in the Sunday Independent, Today Tonight are preparing a special investigation You seem very well informed as to what our journalist friends are investigating.
LAUGHTER Some people are too close to some journalists.
Thank you, Mr Doherty.
Now can we move on, please, we have serious matters to attend to Is the hounding of a Guard of spotless character not a serious matter? Is an Irish minister asking the RUC to detain a witness under the Prevention of Terrorism Act so that he can't testify in a trial in the Republic not a serious matter? And as for the rumours from the Phoenix Park of the whole scale use of Gardai for political ends That is a lie.
I will look into these rumours, Mr O'Malley.
Now, if we can please move on to the financial plan for national recovery.
I made a few enquiries with our friends in the media.
And? O'Malley's right.
Doherty's been running Roscommon like his personal fiefdom.
Pick up a bee from kindness and you'll soon learn the limits of kindness.
You need to fire him.
Never checked.
I heard nothing, Charlie, Boss, Taoiseach, I swear.
You'll have missed the bit about the reshuffle then? Of course, if word got out about who I'd in mind for the Junior ministries, I might have to change my mind.
Course boss.
Sure.
So you asked the RUC to lift him so he couldn't testify in the South against your brother? Brother-in-law.
My government owes the fucking RUC a favour because your brother-in-law got a bit slaphappy? What about this Guard? Tully is a trouble maker.
He has an impeccable record.
He was victimising a publican in whose pub my supporters are known to meet.
It was open after hours.
Because my supporters had been out all evening knocking on doors, canvassing for us in the last election.
And what's this about a piss up with Special Branch in Kerry? That was a bit of a balls up alright.
Why shouldn't I fire you, Doherty? Because that's what your enemies want.
Ask yourself, how have the press got all this dirt on me? Because they're being fed it by your enemies.
Proof, Doherty, I'm going to need proof if I'm to have any hope of defending you.
Here.
What's that? Transcript.
Telephone calls? Between pricks and journos, journos and pricks.
Take this away.
And I'll tell you something else, they're about to launch a heave against your leadership.
How will I look if I stand by you? How will you look if you fire me? Dancing to the media's tune? The pricks will know they've got you where they want you.
KNOCK ON DOOR Another 'no confidence' motion, boss.
What's the Blueshirts' problem this time? It's our own lot.
Internal heave.
McCreevy's put down a no confidence motion.
And O'Malley won't be too far behind him pulling the strings.
Because, O'Malley, I insist on loyalty from my cabinet.
That is implicit in our participation in government.
I don't see why we have to sign it.
So that I have explicit evidence of your loyalty.
The insistence on personal loyalty to a party leader is not democratic.
It therefore seems I can no longer be part of this government.
Good luck! Anyone else? Good riddance to you too, O'Donoghue, don't know why I appointed you in the first place.
That's 48 in the bag, I'll check on 52.
CHATTER ON PHONES KNOCK ON DOOR Welcome! Let's go somewhere more private.
KNOCK ON DOOR SOUND OF GAVEL Gentlemen, and of course ladies of the Fianna Fail parliamentary party.
We have on the agenda this afternoon just one item.
Mr McCreevy has lodged a vote of no confidence in the current leadership of Fianna Fail.
Hear hear.
SOUND OF GAVEL Mr McCreevy, if you'd like to Drop dead.
LAUGHTER AND SHUSHING SOUND OF GAVEL Gentlemen And ladies, please.
SOUND OF GAVEL We have each had our say on the direction, and character of our leadership, ten hours of having our say, I think it about time we put the matter of the leadership to the vote Hear hear.
SOUND OF GAVEL I believe Chairman that is the second item on the revised agenda.
The first item is now whether we vote by open roll call or secret ballot.
My apologies, Taoiseach, it's been a long day.
A show of hands then on the roll call or the secret vote I move that the vote on the roll call or the secret vote, be secret.
SHOUTING AND ARGUING SOUND OF GAVEL The Taoiseach agrees, Mr McCreevy that we should put your motion to the vote.
A show of hands on whether the vote on the roll call or the secret vote be open or secret.
All those in favour of an open vote? Fifty to 27, three abstentions.
And the show of hands on the roll-call vote for the leadership.
Stand up and be counted, traitors.
So an open roll call it is.
On the motion of confidence in the leadership of Charles J Haughey of Fianna Fail.
Ahern, Bertie Aye.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING AND WHISTLING Them prick friends of yours are finished this time.
Long live King Charlie! APPLAUSE, WHISTLING Long live King Charlie! APPLAUSE AND BOOING We can sit down over a pint and discuss it.
This is from Charlie for the Arms trial.
Get out of the way.
Leave that man alone! Leave that man alone, I said, this is the seat of government not a wild west saloon.
Are you not ashamed of yourselves? Have you no respect for the rule of law? Have you no remembrance of what your forefathers sacrificed to achieve this democracy? Get back, get back.
Come on Jim, let's get you up.
Another fucking no confidence motion? This time the Blueshirts.
Why do we do it? Chase power.
Cling to power.
When we are all destined to lose it some day? Only those who have known it can know how great that loss is.
Fucking Bill Loughnane, he chooses his moments.
I'm not sure he chose to die, boss.
And Gibbons? He had a heart attack soon after the scrap following the leadership vote.
I had flowers sent.
He's still in a bad way.
Mightn't last long.
I offered to send an ambulance down to bring him up to the chamber for the vote, but he refused.
To get me back for showing him up for a liar and a perjurer at the Arms trial.
He'll be still trying to spite me from beyond the grave.
They can use the flowers as a wreath.
KNOCK ON DOOR Why do no Blueshirts have heart attacks? Because they don't work for you? (Lenihan laughs) You'd want to watch out so, PJ.
Heard you were in trouble with the numbers on the Blueshirt no confidence motion.
Why do you think they called it? Dancing on our graves.
Just when we'd found a way out of the mess.
The Way Forward was the way to turn this country around.
This was the future.
Make a good election manifesto all the same.
Right gentlemen.
Let's get this over with.
The question is put whether Dail Eireann reaffirms its confidence in the government.
Ta, 80.
Nil, 82.
The question is lost.
At the Taoiseach's discretion a General Election will now be called.
KNOCK ON DOOR What I said in the Dail, I meant.
I voted for you because you always kept your word to me.
I just wanted to say that.
Sorry.
I'm sorry too, Tony, I shared your dream.
I could see Dublin rebuilt, reborn, all shining glass and steel in the sun.
I wanted to rebuild it for the people.
So did I.
Different people.
If wealth creators are allowed to create wealth, it flows into the system.
Or into offshore accounts.
You know, with all your brains, and your energy, and your charm, it's a pity you never wanted to do anything significant for the people.
Then you'd be really loved for what you stood for, not for the favours you've done people.
Who ended the IRA border campaign in '62? Who brought in the pensions for widows? Dole for farmers? Tax free status for artists? Free travel for pensioners? Health warnings on cigarettes.
Free toothbrushes for everyone? Just nods to various voter groups.
It's like building a house.
You don't just put a brick here and a brick there.
You need a plan.
I don't believe in ideologies, left or right.
What do you believe in? I intend to win this election, Tony.
I'm sure you do.
But there's a rumour going round the lobbies about your justice minister tapping journalists' phones.
Mr Doherty, Mr Doherty what do you say to these revelations? All decisions were taken in the national interest with collective cabinet responsibility.
But did the Taoiseach ask you to tap Bruce Arnold's and my phones? BANGING (TV) After losing this election, in the eyes of the world, Fianna Fail has been reduced to a self-centred advance-seeking cabal of opportunists who have no interest in the Irish nation.
Mr Haughey is a disgrace to the democratic traditions of Fianna Fail and his statement, with its implication that once democratically elected he will not accept another vote if it goes against him, is totally fascist in content and tenor.
DOORBELL (NEWS PRESENTER) Since his failure to win a majority for the third time in 18 months, other Fianna Fail TDs have come out and likened Mr Haughey to Adolf Hitler in his last days in his bunker DOORBELL Supporters have urged him to make a statement that he knew nothing of the tapping of journalists' phones.
DOORBELL Howya? Jacinta? You're freezing.
I walked all the way from Artane.
Please come in.
Some place you've got.
What can I do for you, Jacinta? You've always been good to my family.
And I don't know who else to turn to.
I need some money to go to England.
Are you in trouble? Yeah, I'm in trouble.
The shop's closed, there's no work.
I have no money to go out.
I want a chance of a life.
But this is your home, your country.
So? It's a kip! No, it's not.
It's just there's no hope for young people.
Or young people like me, at least.
Are you going to help me or not, Charlie? APPLAUSE ON TV (Gay Byrne) Finally your compere for the evening Terry Keane.
That's too much.
You'll need it to start over.
To give yourself a chance.
Thanks Charlie.
I'll pay you back, I swear.
Take care, Jacinta.
(Terry on TV) I just wanted to say that.
Now! As soon as I saw the flowers in the green room I knew! Charlie! I missed you.
Ronan's been so good.
But a husband is no replacement for you.
And then with my daughter turning up.
She's gorgeous and all, and Ronan treats her like one of our own, but I'm sorry for saying Donogh O'Malley was her father.
I was lying.
I just wanted to hurt you.
We can't blame each other for what is behind us.
And I'm sure you're going to put Donogh's nephew Desmond in his place, once and for all.
The press are very fond of calling politicians public servants.
Because they think that they can treat us like flunkies, they can insult us, and berate us.
But I am not a public servant.
I am a public representative.
That is all I've ever tried to be.
But what thanks do I get? Has a man ever been more publicly reviled? This time it's over.
Let the country go down the tubes.
They don't deserve you.
Let's go to France together, Teresa O'Donnell.
(Laughs) A holiday? Just you and me? No, for good.
Francois has offered me a chateau owned by the State.
Maybe he can find a role for me.
In France they appreciate great men.
(Laughs) Oh yes.
Fianna Fail can have O'Malley, I'll have you.
I'll be the luckier by far.
We'll start again.
This time we'll be what we want to be.
Getting out of the game, it's just not an option at present.
Too much invested, too much owed.
The only way of getting out is staying in, as they say.
I made a mistake, PJ.
One? You're not cut out for politics.
Your talents are more for the persuasive than the legislative, they're wasted in the Senate.
Most peoples' talents are wasted in the Senate.
People like you, PJ.
My supporters like me, yes.
But those middle class, West Brit bastards and bitches that call themselves journalists and broadcasters and political commentators, they don't warm to me.
They respond to your charms.
I want you to be mine and Fianna Fail's press officer, officially, make those fuckers like me.
No.
I can't do that.
I can't make them like you.
People don't necessarily like a bad boy, but everyone secretly wants to be one, or fuck one.
But the press, PJ? Them most of all.
They need you.
You're their bread and butter.
The secret is, we must stay in control of the image, not them.
You've got four years in opposition to make this party your own.
I've got four years not to make people like you, but to make people want to be like you, live like you, be you.
You've just got to figure out how to deliver that dream.
Before we can do that, we must deal with this latest heave by O'Malley and McCreevy.
It's got to be the last.
I want them nailed to the cross, for them to stay there.
No more resurrections.
First, distance yourself from Doherty.
Clear water.
Everything I did, I did for you, Boss.
I had no knowledge of what you were doing.
But all the bits of info that I fed you? I had no knowledge where that came from, Sean.
But the transcript, we talked about it.
What transcript? There were files in Justice.
About the Arms Trial.
Don't worry.
They're safe.
Sean, as long as I'm leader of the party I can make sure you're looked after.
You must consider, if you were to bring me down, where would that leave you? But I was loyal.
You promise you'll look after me? Yeah.
The bugging of the telephones of journalists Geraldine Kennedy and Bruce Arnold were motivated solely by my concern for the security of my country.
They were not, at any stage, discussed by the government or with the Taoiseach.
Mr Doherty, Mr Doherty! APPLAUSE Mr O'Malley.
In light of this latest failed leadership challenge, is it true that you'll be leaving Fianna Fail to form a new party? I am still a Fianna Fail party member.
It is for the party to decide whether democratically challenging the leader is conduct unbecoming of a member.
And so it's goodbye and good riddance to you Mr O'Malley and the rest of your pals.
The party has spoken.
There'll be no more nibbling at my leader's arse.
From now on it's una duce una voce, one leader one voice.
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER