Cheers s01e02 Episode Script

Sam's Women

Sam, when you were in the back, one of your women called.
She said to tell you that you're a lying piece of garbage and she never wants to see you again.
Did she leave her name? No, but she did tell me to add one more thing.
What's that? Yeah, that's Patty.
Your move, Sammy.
Sam, I'll only ask this once.
If you say no, it's no.
But I would love to start doing caricatures of the customers here.
Caricature is a satirical form of art that the common man loves.
It would be a wonderful memento of our customers' visits here.
My art instructor said I'm an original and this would be an invaluable experience.
I'd only do it during the slow periods It wouldn't interfere with waiting tables.
- No.
- What do you say? Can I do it? - No.
- We'll talk about it later.
No, we won't talk about this later.
I don't want you to do that.
I'm going to do it anyway.
Well, at least she cleared it with me first.
Here you go, Carla.
- Gin Collins, vodka Collins.
- Thanks.
Which one's which? The gin Collins is in Larry, the vodka Collins is in Steve.
- Coach, what are you talking about? - Larry and Steve.
- You've named the glasses? - How else do I know which is which? I mean, over here is Pete, Glen, Fred, Al Not to offend the ladies, we've got Jeannie, Ginger, Gracie, Sally - How do you tell which one is which? - To me, they're different.
Except the Wilson brothers.
Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Norman.
Gentlemen, start your taps.
- How's it going? - Not so good.
I missed a digit in the debit column today.
The boss is now using my butt for an ashtray.
Norm, would you please watch your language today? - Sure.
What's the problem? - Lisa's coming over.
I didn't know that.
It'll be great to see her.
Who is Lisa? That's the Coach's daughter.
Or is it a martini glass? - How's she doing? - She's absolutely wonderful.
She's introducing me to her fiancé.
You never told me she was engaged.
She said she was married to her work.
Well, like most women, she wants both.
This is the 19 what, '80s? Come here.
- Listen, are you alright? - You see, I never met the fella.
I'm just hoping that I can hit it off with him.
- It's really been bugging me.
- Relax.
You're gonna do just fine.
Yeah, I guess I do worry too much.
Since Lisa's mother died, she's been my whole life.
Coach, you did a great job with Lisa.
Don't worry.
Thanks, Sam.
Great guy, that Sam.
Why don't you name a glass after him? Excuse me, my name is Diane.
I'm the Cheers caricaturist.
I couldn't help but notice that you are very much in love with this lady.
And I have a sketch for you.
Which one of us is that? That's a pretty good caricature.
Don't toy with my emotions.
I'm serious.
It looks just like her, I think.
Of course.
Yes, excuse me.
I'm Diane, the Cheers caricaturist.
I have a drawing of you.
- Let me see.
- Just a minute.
Do you have a hobby? - Horseback riding.
- Yes, that is fun, isn't it? Now you may look.
This is me? Why am I sitting on a lizard? - Daddy! - Lisa! Honey, it's so good to see you.
Everybody, here's my daughter Lisa.
- Hi, Sam.
- How are you doing? - Really good.
- You look good.
- Thanks.
- This is Diane.
- Very nice to meet you.
- You also.
Where's your fiancé? Roy'll be right in.
He's parking the car.
So, where did you meet the guy? We both work for the same company.
He's our top salesman.
Good for you.
That's great.
Everybody! This is my daughter's fiancé.
Let's hear it.
Roy, this is Carla and Diane and Sam.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And this is my father Ernie.
- A pleasure to meet you.
- The feeling's ditto.
- Can I get you a nice cold beer? - Sure, Pops.
Mind if I smoke? Listen, cigar smoke bothers me.
I know.
It stinks, but it tastes great.
So, Lisa tells me you and Sam were in baseball.
- That's right.
- I think it's a dead sport.
They just haven't claimed the body yet.
People need action these days.
What sport do you like? Female full-contact karate.
Excuse me, I have to go jump-start my brain.
Look out for that one.
She could steal my heart.
Cliff, I smell Chinese food.
lt's a cigar.
So, you're a salesman with my daughter's firm? Yeah.
Talk about coincidence.
Lisa's my district manager.
Has my fate in her hands.
I'm working Jersey now, but I'm moving up to Pennsylvania soon.
I suppose something could be arranged.
- What do you sell? - Suits door-to-door.
Is this one of the suits here? - You took the bait, Sam.
- I did? Hold this.
I'm wearing an Omni suit right now, and, man, am I comfortable.
The best part is its versatility.
This suit comes with two coats, three pairs of pants and five vests.
The ensemble makes 120 combinations.
Everything from dignified to sporty.
If you owned one, you could go from a funeral to a night on the town without even going home.
Well, I was trapped in just that situation Tuesday night.
We're gonna be late for our dinner reservation.
Sam, you and I happen.
Catch you later.
Let's go put on the feedbags.
We'll be back in a little while.
Daddy, come with us.
No, you go ahead, I got something to do.
I'll see you later.
- Alright, I'll see you later.
- Alright.
You know, I am so glad that you two finally got a chance to meet.
Do you get it? We're going to eat and I said ciao.
I'm a funny guy.
Could you cover for me for a couple of moments? - Sure.
Where are you going? - To toss my lunch.
Chuck, how's the job search going? I got something.
I'm not crazy about it.
I'm a janitor at a biology lab where they do DNA experiments making mutant viruses.
- Sounds like a good job to me.
- I don't know.
Makes me a little nervous, all that weird stuff floating around.
- Don't worry about it.
- Don't sweat it.
They handle all that stuff.
You're right.
Must be getting paranoid.
See you later.
I feel better already.
- Bye.
- Take care, Chuck.
He used the phone.
The man's a pig.
I just had dinner with a pig.
He's even more disgusting when he's around food.
- That's hard to believe.
- Hard to believe? The last thing I saw, he was pulling his chair up to a dessert cart.
- What will you do about this? - I gave Lisa everything she wanted.
- What can I do? - You have to tell her how you feel.
- I can no longer hold my tongue.
- Want me to do it? Coach, come here.
I'm a daughter myself.
Let me tell you something about my father.
My father is a very wise and learned man, but he never gave himself a chance to get to know the boys I brought home.
He would decide he didn't like them for no better reason than one had bad posture or another one had facial hair.
I'll never forget when I was foolish enough to bring home a utopian socialist.
- Oh, my God! - No! I know, it's unbelievable.
I was a rebel then.
The point is, you mustn't make the mistake of judging too quickly.
- Now, call me crazy - You are crazy.
Very funny.
What I am struggling to say is, call me a bleeding heart You're a bleeding heart.
Call me cute as a button.
Coach, I'm a humanist.
That means that I have to believe there's something fine and noble about every human being.
If we haven't found what's fine and noble about Roy yet, it means that we haven't looked deeply enough.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Your mother! Like no one ever knocked over a dessert cart before.
How about a beer? Look, you've gotta talk to her.
Coach, you have to give Roy a chance.
- You don't.
- That's not a bad restaurant.
The dessert guy's a dink but the cuisine was tasty.
But what am I telling you, chubs? - Where's Lisa? - She's upstairs settling the bill.
Are you saying you had her pay for dinner? They wouldn't take a post-dated four-party cheque.
If they're going to be hard-nosed, they should put up a sign.
Do you still say there's something good in that? There must be.
Roy, how about if you and I chat over here? Good idea.
Will you excuse us for a moment? The suit's getting to you, isn't it? Roy, your personality is very - strong.
- Amen.
But I know that's not the real you.
You know, an aggressive personality is often a mask for a very shy and sensitive soul.
I'm willing to gamble that you are such a person.
You're not wearing a bra, are you? The man is pond scum.
Coach? Stop her.
Lock her in the car if you have to, but stop her.
Sam, I can't stop her.
She wants him.
Sam, I haven't forgotten about you.
How about I run to the car for cloth swatches? I can be out there before you can scream no 700 times.
- You better be quick.
- You better be quick.
Coach, let me talk to you.
Do you remember a double-header against Cleveland on a hot August day, 1974? Yeah, I remember part of that.
- What part? - I remember hot.
Well, that's good.
That's a beginning.
Do you remember I was on the mound? Johnson had been thrown out.
You filled in as manager.
It was the last inning.
I had just walked.
The base was loaded.
- Gosh, who was up? - Charlie Spikes.
That's it.
Charlie Spikes.
Anyway, you came out to the mound to talk to me.
I was in a jam.
I didn't have any good stuff left.
I thought you were going to yank me but you didn't.
Instead, you said that something I've never forgotten.
Do you remember what you said? What did I say? You said, "Go get him.
" - I said that? - Yeah.
And I got him, Coach.
Well, I was glad to be there to help out.
I'm glad you were there, too.
If you hadn't said that, my career may have ended that day, instead of when it did, a couple of weeks later.
What the hell are we talking about this now for? Go get him.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Get him.
Lisa, I want to talk to you about Roy here in Sam's office.
Go get him.
What a marvellously pithy phrase.
That's exactly what our third baseman said at the time.
I'm sorry, Lisa.
The time has come to put my foot in my mouth.
You cannot marry this man.
You absolutely, positively cannot marry this man.
I never heard you talk like this before.
Well, now you have.
I'll tell you something.
I don't like this guy Roy.
I don't like Charlie Spikes.
You can't marry either one of them.
Look, Daddy, I'm not dumb.
I know Roy's abrasive.
I know he's insensitive.
I know he's probably only marrying me so he can get Pennsylvania.
But why would you want to marry a man like this? Isn't it obvious to you? Nothing's ever obvious to me.
Daddy, don't make me say this.
What? I wanna be married and I wanna have children.
Roy is the first man that asked me to marry him and I'm afraid he's gonna be the last.
Honey, there must've been dozens of young fellas that proposed to you.
No, Daddy, wake up.
Roy is the first one ever.
- But you're so beautiful, so - Beautiful? You have been saying that I'm beautiful ever since I was a very little girl.
But look at me.
Not as my father.
Like you're looking at me for the first time.
And please try to see me as I really am.
Oh, my God, I didn't realise how much you looked like your mother.
I know.
I look exactly like her, and Mom was not comfortable about her beauty.
But that's what made her more beautiful.
Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.
- She was really beautiful.
- Yes, and so are you.
You're the most beautiful kid in the whole world.
Thanks, Daddy.
Go ahead.
Come on, go ahead, try it.
The man doesn't lie.
The stuff won't burn.
That's a drawback.
Roy? About time.
What were you talking about in there? We were talking about me.
My father thinks I'm beautiful.
Do you? What? Of course you're beautiful.
You're stylish, you're contemporary and you travel well.
You just said that about your suits.
Roy, I don't want to marry you.
I decided that I want a man as good as my father.
Hold on here.
What about Pennsylvania? Roy, you don't get Pennsylvania and you don't get me.
You just get more and more obnoxious.
Look, it's not like this marriage was gonna change my life.
But I want you to know that if I walk out that door right now, I'm gone.
Do you hear what I said? Is that what you want, Lisa? - That's what I want.
- Then that's what you got.
Goodbye, baby.
Don't bother calling me cos we're through.
This doesn't mean we can't put you in a new suit.
You've made me so happy.
I mean it.
Care to capture this moment in a caricature? No.
Come on, let's celebrate.
I'll buy you some ice cream.
Daddy, no.
I'm not in the mood for ice cream.
I just lost my fiancé.
He wasn't the greatest guy, but it'll take a while to get over it.
- Rocky Road? - You got it.
- Can we go? - Take off.
- I got him.
- You got him.
So long, everybody.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye, Lisa.
Lisa made the right decision.
- Forgive my storybook mentality - You're forgiven.
Well, laugh if you will.
Every woman has a Mr Right in mind.
It's a mistake to settle for anyone less.
Do you have a Mr Right in mind? Well, I suppose I do.
Every woman does.
- What's he like? - Come on.
No, come on, maybe I know the guy.
Maybe I know him real well Well, for one thing, he would be very intelligent.
Very well educated.
Perhaps overeducated, if there is such a thing.
Not particularly athletic, perhaps even clumsy, but charmingly so.
Blond, blue-eyed, with a Byron-like innocence.
- I know this person.
- Who? You.
You described yourself perfectly.
I hope you'll be very happy together.
- I have had enough - Don't throw that.
That's Herbie.
He's got a wife and four little shot glasses.