Cheers s01e03 Episode Script

The Tortelli Tort

Shot of bourbon.
Beer chaser.
Bloody Mary without Tabasco, and with extra Tabasco.
Sweet'N Low.
CC water back.
Pitcher of water with three glasses.
Those are our drinks.
I'm terribly sorry.
I don't suppose I could impose upon you people to save me a few steps? Thanks.
Thank you, really.
Thanks so much.
Free pretzels for everybody.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! Norman.
- Beer, Norm? - I've heard of that stuff.
Better give me a tall one in case I like it.
- Another day, another dollar.
- 50 cents after taxes.
- Hey, Norm.
- Hey, girl.
How's the kids? Two of them are ugly, one's obnoxious and one's just stupid.
He's my favourite.
- Get me Gus.
- Yes, sir.
Right away.
Gus who? Don't be a wise guy.
Just get him.
Alright, yes, sir.
Norm, do you know a Gus? - Gus who? - He hates that question.
Gus, the owner of this bar.
I know who you mean.
That was two owners ago.
I'll never forget that guy.
He had such a great name.
I came from Seattle to talk to him.
Gus is the man.
You got troubles, you take 'em to Gus, he straightens you up.
I've gotta be back in Seattle Thursday night.
Take it easy.
Listen, I managed in the minors, I coached in the majors, I've been a bartender for five years.
I've had my share of people with problems.
Why not give me a try? My son comes home from college with his new fiancé, who's black.
And your son's not? Yo, Coach.
Get Gus.
I'll make a few calls.
Good idea.
Give me a Scotch.
I'll be right back.
- Holy ! - What's the matter, Norm? Somebody pinch me.
I've got to be hallucinating.
Look at those legs! If they're attached to anything, even a truck, I'm gonna marry it.
Please come down here.
She's coming down here! Alright, everybody, just act natural.
This I gotta see.
I don't believe this.
I feel like I've been transported in time back to a fraternity house in the '50s.
Come on, guys.
In this day and age, aren't we beyond ogling women? Holy ! Norm, is that the one? - Hi.
- Hi.
Excuse me, miss.
The gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you an automobile.
- May I help you? - White wine, please.
- White wine.
- Here, allow me.
I got it.
- Thank you very much.
- You're very welcome.
Don't get your hopes up, boys.
As soon as Sam comes out here, it's dinner for two at his place.
Come on.
I hardly think that's the sort of woman Sam would go out with.
Listen, she may not be flashy enough for Sammy.
They had Sammy in mind when they built her.
Really? I don't buy that.
I know I've only worked here a short time, but it seems to me Sam has more depth than that.
Follow me.
Sam, would you come here a second? Carla, never disturb me unless there's a customer.
No, don't drink that.
I've got something much better.
I think you're gonna like this.
It's an amusing little wine.
You like to laugh? - I love to laugh.
How did you know? - Call it a hunch.
The great ones make it look so easy.
Is there chance that you and I could go someplace and laugh together? My mother told me to watch out for guys in bars.
Well then, let's get out of this bar so you don't have to worry.
I do feel like a movie tonight.
I've been in the mood for a movie all day long.
- What kind of movie shall we see? - Something short.
Could you be a little more specific? Does anybody know any good movies? What's that new Australian film that's good? No.
No Australian films.
This one's no problem.
It's dubbed.
Will you excuse me? Diane, can I talk to you in the poolroom? Sure.
I'll be right back.
What's your name? Brandee.
With two Es.
Brandee with two Es? A big company like this, they spelled it wrong.
- OK, what was that all about? - What was what all about? All that laughing and stuff? "I love to laugh.
" - Diane, can we have two beers? - Coming up.
- No.
Not right now.
- Sam, we're thirsty.
Drink chalk.
Sam, I didn't mean anything by that.
I laughed.
Life is funny.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression that you don't approve of Brandee.
Is that Brandy with a Y or two Es? I may be the dim ex-baseball player and you're the postgraduate, but I'm the boss and I didn't hire you as a critic, - I hired you as a waitress.
- You'd never know it by me.
With two Es.
Will you guys just sit down for a minute, please? Thank you.
Why don't you be honest with me? You think Brandee's dumb.
- I never said that.
- But you think she's dumb.
- I don't know that I think that.
- Diane, she's a tree stump.
Come on.
I guess she'll do until dumb comes along.
Well, thank you very much.
The truth comes out.
She's a total airhead.
- Incredible body, no mind.
- Who? I don't think that.
To you, Brandee's a one-night woman.
Built for cheap laughs, wild times and easy sex.
- Where? - Will you just admit it? Sam, I've got a message for you.
Your date, Miss Bigbuckets? She told me to tell you she's getting a little "ootsy".
Get her out.
The customers are warping the wood with their drool.
- Diane, come here.
Listen - Wait a minute.
I don't mean to criticise.
In a way, I was complimenting you.
You can do better.
I don't want to do better.
There are certain things in this life that I really like, and nobody's gonna change my mind.
I like fun women, hot dogs, game shows.
I don't care what anybody says.
Did you read they found rat parts in hot dogs? I like rat parts.
It's my favourite part of the hot dog.
And one more thing I like.
I sensed something very special going on there.
So if you'll excuse me, that very special somebody is waiting for me.
- Coach? - Yeah? - Where's Brandee? - She just left with some guy.
- She what? - Looked like the real thing, Sam.
If I see one sign that you're enjoying this, you're in trouble.
How about a couple of beers for the boys in the poolroom? OK.
Another beer, Norm? Yeah.
One quick one and then it's adios for sure.
Here you go.
No, it's a guy.
Coach, any word from Gus yet? Yeah, Leo.
He can't drop by tonight.
He's dead.
- Oh, no.
- Leo, it happens.
I can't believe it.
Gus is gone? Nobody can replace Gus.
Gus had all the answers.
All but one.
- What am I gonna do without Gus? - Leo, will you stop it? Ever since you came through that door, it's been Gus, Gus, Gus.
I mean, it's Gus this and Gus that, and I'm fed up with it.
I'm taking you on.
You and all your problems.
- Come on, sit down.
- I don't know.
Sit, Leo.
Sit! Throw your problems on the bar.
- Come on, give him a chance.
- He's ready for you.
Nothing to be afraid of.
My son comes home from college with his new fiancé, who's black.
I thought about that.
It's a tough one, but I think I've got it.
- Wait a minute cos there's more.
- No, hold it, Leo.
Leo, it's a problem of communication.
Here's what you do, when you get home, you sit the kids down and say to your boy - What's your boy's name? - Ron.
What's Ron's fiancé's name? - Rick.
- Rick.
So, you say You say, "Rick, Ron" Rick and Ron? Suck it up, Coachie.
Hang tough in there.
Leo Leo, if you're that unhappy about it, just throw him out and tell him you never want to see him again.
I can't do that.
I love the kid.
- I see what you're saying.
- You do? What? If I can't accept the kid the way he is, I'll lose him.
Boy, that's good.
When you put it that way, what choice do I have? Thanks, Coach.
You're not Gus, but you're not bad.
Leo, even Gus isn't Gus any more.
- Thanks, Coach.
- Alright, Coach! Alright, Coach.
You got him.
You really took him.
Took him? I had him for breakfast.
Coach, where's Sammy? Out, where else? Again? He's been out with a different dolly every night.
He's overcompensating for feelings of inadequacy with an ostentatious display of hormonal activity.
That's our Sammy.
Let me tell you something.
There are drawbacks to dating beautiful women.
Yeah? Like what? You can't eat ltalian cos always they're on diets.
You can't go outside cos the wind will muss their hair.
You can't go to hockey games cos they might get hit in the face with a puck.
Where's the fun? Carla, the fun's in the fun.
Unlimited sex.
The adult male's version of owning a candy store.
But tell me, once you've consumed as much sex for as long as you want it, what would you do then? I'd help the poor.
- I can't stay long.
- One drink.
The man's got a harem.
- You all know Debra.
- Hi, Coach.
Hi, guys.
Diane, this is Debra.
Debra, this is Diane.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you drinking? - A very dry martini.
That's a very classy order.
We're gonna have a very dry martini.
Nothing for me.
We just back from Symphony Hall.
Heard Mozart's Symphony No.
Sometimes called the Jupiter Symphony.
Debra's idea.
I haven't heard a lot of classical music, but I like it.
What was that comment you made in the intermission? "Give me a cigarette"? Not that one.
The smart one about the music.
I said, "It's hard to believe that all that music could come out of one man's head.
" - "One man's head.
" - I heard.
Where else could it come out of? I read in the programme that Mozart died when he was 35.
Imagine writing all that music before you're 35.
Slow down.
You're giving us too much to think about.
I have got to be going somewhere.
Just as well.
Our heads are spinning.
Debra, you forgot your programme.
- Thank you.
- I love Mozart, too.
- This programme's two years old.
- Is it? Yes.
Well then, Mozart must have been I didn't say we came straight from the concert.
OK, we went to see Star Wars again and I'm glad.
- How did I do? - Well Thanks.
- Don't.
- Fine.
I'm gonna play pool.
Carla? You've known Sam a long time.
Has he ever had a relationship with an intelligent woman? That's the best I've seen.
- What about his ex-wife? - That was his ex-wife.
I'm gonna go back there and talk to him.
"Blonde Chick Dies in Billiard Accident.
" - Sam? - Go away.
I'm reading Plato.
- May I speak with you for a moment? - No.
I came in to cheer you up a little.
I know why you brought Debra here.
You're trying to prove you date smart women.
No, I brought Debra here for a drink.
This is a bar.
Come on.
- No, it's a bar.
Is this a bar? - Yes.
Excuse me.
I sense that you're unhappy right now.
Unhappy? I'm not unhappy.
I'm on top of the world.
What a life I lead.
Tomorrow, I'm going out with a girl who wears a pinwheel hat.
Would you stop making jokes and talk to me? OK, I'm all cheered up now.
You can leave.
Why are you so upset? This week, I have gone out with all the women I know.
All the women I really enjoy.
All of a sudden, all I can think about is how stupid they are.
My life isn't fun any more, and it's because of you.
- Because of me? - Yeah.
You're a snob.
- A snob? - Yeah, that's right.
Well, you're a rapidly ageing adolescent.
Well, I would rather be that than a snob.
- And I would rather be a snob.
- Well, good, because you are.
Do yourself a favour.
Go back to your tootsies and your rat parts.
I'd hate to see the bowling alleys close on my account.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying that I'm too dumb to date smart women? I'm saying that it would be very difficult for you.
A really intelligent woman would see your line of BS a mile away.
You think so? Well, I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say Well, come on.
It depends what kind we're talking about.
- Just the average.
- Any kind.
You take your average whale's intestines and stretch 'em out, you're looking at three miles and change.
You win again, Coach.
This man knows his animal kingdom.
It's getting late.
It's about time this old cowpoke moseyed off to the bathroom.
Black Label over, Bloody Mary, a shot of vodka.
Look, I am sorry.
I said a lot of stupid things.
I shouldn't have.
I apologise.
I was kind of upset.
OK, I'm sorry, too.
We both got a little carried away.
Especially you.
- Well, I'll be darned.
- What? - Nothing.
I just noticed something.
- What? I guess I've never looked into your eyes.
Something wrong with them? No.
I just don't think I've ever seen eyes that colour before.
Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen that colour before.
Yes, I have.
Where? I was on a ski weekend up at Stowe.
I was coming in late one day, last person off the slope as the sun had just gone down.
The sky became this incredible colour.
I usually don't notice things like that, and I found myself walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change, wishing that I had somebody there to share it with.
Afterwards, I tried to convince myself that I'd imagined that colour, that I hadn't seen it, that nothing on this earth could be that beautiful.
Now I see I was wrong.
Wouldn't work? What? An intelligent woman would see right through that.
In a minute.