Cheers s01e04 Episode Script

- What a great day.
Cliff.
- Sammy.
How you doing? Something funny? A salesman came by this morning with these new napkins.
Read that one.
It's terrific.
- This isn't funny.
- That's not the funniest.
Read some of the others.
- What others? - Here.
I bought 30 gross.
Take your pick.
"Did I hear a buck snort?" No.
They're all different, Sam.
Well, I'll be darned.
That salesman.
But two bucks snorting is funny every time.
You should've asked me first.
Sorry.
I was sure you'd love 'em.
These are real conversation starters.
No, this is not a conversation starter.
- Seen these awful napkins? - Yeah.
They stink.
See what I mean? The place is a-buzz.
The Sox need a rally, they have two out in the bottom of the ninth.
The Yanks may have it sewn up, as they lead 5-0.
The pitch.
- Here's your drinks.
Go, Red Sox! - Miss, which drink is which here? What does this look like, the Pepsi Challenge? Carla's getting her drinks mixed up because she's watching that silly game.
Snitch face! If you'd tried that at St Clete's School for Girls, we'd have given you a pink belly that glowed in the dark.
I'd kinda like to see that.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm.
- Norman.
- How you doing, Norm? Cut the small talk and give me a beer.
How come you're late? The boss kept me after.
I got chewed out a bit.
Yeah? What for? I don't know.
Guess he doesn't have a dog.
Alright.
Our prayers are answered.
Normie, babe.
- Yastrzemski's up with a man on.
- The fountain of youth.
C'mon.
- Now we'll get something going! - C'mon now.
- You and me, Yaz.
My hero.
My man.
- Popped it up! Sox lose again.
You old fossil! That's it.
That does it.
May I have your attention? I have an announcement to make.
As of right now, Carla Tortelli is no longer a Red Sox fan.
No, really, I mean it this time.
Now stop that, OK? Have I said that before? Give everybody a drink on me, Sam.
- What's the occasion, Fred? - My sister, Louise, died.
Congratulations.
Just in the nick of time.
Yeah, I was getting pretty low on funds.
What's going on? Fred here is the youngest of 12 brothers and sisters - of a very wealthy family.
- I never cared for any of 'em.
Every time one of them dies, Fred here inherits their money.
I think that's ghoulish.
So did we, the first six or seven times.
Remember the night two of 'em drove off the cliff in the fog? - Talk about a party.
- Yeah.
OK, how we doing here? Yeah, another one, Sam, but hold the napkin.
What do we have here? A Red Sox bar? Sorry about that, fans.
Another tough one in the loss column.
We're closed.
I just came from a classic massacre of Boston by the Yankees.
Tonight on the news, you can watch the lowlights.
You know, I can't see why you people are such bad losers.
You've had so much experience.
- Who do you like, the Yankees? - Another swift Bostonian.
Yeah, I'm a Yankee fan.
Back in the real city, they call me Big Eddie.
Pig Eddie? You made good time getting here.
I still hear the TV tubes cooling.
I left right after the Red Sox fans had their seventh-inning wretch.
- Can I help you? - Yeah, gimme a draught.
You know, Big Ed, the Sox are doing OK.
Yeah? Since 1918, the Yankees have won 23 world championships.
And the Sox, zip.
Want to talk about major poets from New England as opposed to New York? Want to talk about Nobel Prize winners in medicine? No.
Philistines.
- Fred, another round for everybody? - No, Louise didn't have much money.
But I'll be back.
My 90-year-old brother, Bob, is so wired up, you can get the Super Station on him.
- Alright.
- So long, Freddie! We'll be thinking of him during the next electrical storm.
- Bye.
- Night, Freddie.
- You homesick for the Bronx? - Yeah.
Here.
You'll have to forgive Carla, she gets overemotional at times.
But bear in mind, you are in an alien camp.
Tact is perhaps your wisest recourse.
What did you get, a vocabulary for Christmas? How'd you like to take a flying leap up a knuckle sandwich? You gather my inference.
C'mon, everybody, take it easy.
We're trying to run a friendly bar.
Everybody sit back, relax.
Read a napkin.
Great shot, kid.
Well, you must admit, the man's a jackal.
I know you.
- What's your name? - Sam Malone.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Yeah, I usually get it right.
You used to be a relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.
- That's right.
- Hey, you didn't stink.
Thanks.
As I recall, you had a darned good hard slider.
And you're schlepping drinks? The great Sam "Maybe" Malone.
That is "Mayday".
- Let me buy you a drink.
- No, thanks.
I didn't mean all that stuff.
C'mon, have a drink.
- I don't drink.
- A ball player that don't drink? He doesn't drink any more.
That's what happened.
And I thought you just lost it.
He licked his booze problem three years ago.
What was it like pitching at two guys at the same time? What was it like coming in with bases loaded, and so were you? - Easy.
I got her.
- It's OK, everybody, I'm fine.
Sammy, you get a minute, you wanna put a head on this here? - You alright? - I'd better get this looked at.
Right.
There's a doctor lives right near here.
No, I was thinking more on the lines of an attorney.
Here's a guy, he's excellent.
Coach.
No, thanks, I got my own, and he's damn good.
You're legally responsible for the actions of your employees.
- You know that? - It was a stupid mistake.
I'm sorry.
Mistake? That was an assault in front of witnesses.
I didn't see anything.
I still don't.
Sam, I ain't got nothing against you, you run a clean bar.
Fire her and I'll forget the whole thing.
There must be some other way to settle this.
Yeah? What d'you suggest? Well, certainly, an apology's in order.
Carla.
I'm willing to listen.
Listen, Sam, you fire her, or I'm gonna take everything you got.
Well, that's it, happy hour is over.
- What you did was reprehensible.
- You do what you can.
- You talked to your lawyer? - Yeah, I finally got through.
- What did he say? - If he's worth a dime, he said by statute and precedence this would be a tort.
And there is substantial grounds for cause of action.
- How did you know that? - Well, I picked it up in pre-law.
I thought you were an English major? That was after art and before psychology.
Is there anything you weren't in college? Blonde.
- Check the yearbook, Carla.
- Don't.
Just stop.
Sam.
Look, I'm sorry I got you in trouble.
I promise it won't happen again.
How am supposed to I believe that? You've flown off the handle too often.
When? You don't remember throwing a man's change at him from across the bar? The correct change.
Carla, look, you have a history of being - abusive with customers.
- I'll handle this.
A history of being abusive with customers.
Sam, he was insulting you.
You don't know when you're being insulted? I appreciate you defending me, but I'm used to people riding me.
In Yankee Stadium I had to face 50,000 Eddies.
I can defend myself without having to call in Spider Lady.
I did make a couple of nice moves.
Like when I Carla, sit down.
Look.
I'm your friend and I like you.
But I'm also a businessman, and as such I don't like what you did.
Look, I could get tough.
My lawyer wants me to do what Eddie asked.
Fire me? C'mon.
That's crazy.
Carla, I could lose the bar.
Sam, you can't fire me.
I need this job.
Think of my kids.
If I didn't have this job, I'd have to stay home with them.
Sam, you're not actually thinking about it, are you? - This is Carla we're talking about.
- I know it's Carla! Excuse me.
May I make a suggestion? Sure, honey, go ahead.
What? Well, I have a close friend who is a clinical psychologist.
- That could work.
- What could work? Well, I don't know, give the kid a chance to talk.
This friend mentioned to me one time that he has a therapy group for people who, I hope you'll forgive me, for people who can't control their tempers.
- You think I'm wacko.
- Nobody used the word "wacko".
You don't have to be wacko to see a psychologist.
Perfectly normal, happy people consult psychologists.
In fact, get ready to laugh, I have consulted him professionally myself.
Are you one of his better jobs? I'm trying to help you.
Carla, it might do you a lot of good.
Now you think I'm crazy.
I think you're a person with a lot of anger inside.
Yeah? Well, stick it! C'mon, would you? Look, I grew up on Federal Hill with six older brothers and sisters.
I mean, I worked all my life to get this mean.
Now you're telling me I have to learn nice? I'm giving you one more chance.
Take it.
OK.
Look, if I go see Whitey's shrink, will you let me stay on? Show me you're serious, get some help, and I'll keep you on.
Thanks, Sam.
- Come on, let's go home.
- This is great! Just great.
A minute ago, everything seemed so hopeless.
We were gonna lose Carla forever.
It's all turned around.
I feel wonderful.
All we need worry about now is Eddie taking my bar.
That didn't last long.
I'm sorry, pre-law was after literature and before psycho No, wait.
Indian studies totally slipped my mind.
How could I forget that? It changed my life.
Fine, Eddie.
Yeah.
See you in 15 minutes.
- So, Ed's coming over? - Yeah, he's on his way.
When was he last here, Sam? Three weeks.
Gee, then he's seen the napkins.
Ed? You mean that swineherd Ed that's suing you? Yeah, that's the one.
I see what you're doing.
You're taking advantage of Carla's day off to bring Ed in and fool him into thinking you've fired Carla.
It's a crass ploy.
I'm gonna tell him Carla's in therapy and ask him to understand.
My way's better.
That Ed is not my favourite person.
He's a big pansy making a big fuss over some intense pain.
How many times did you play hurt? - Now and then.
- I must've got hit by 100 fastballs.
- In fact, it was my specialty.
- You specialised in getting hit? - Yeah.
- He led the league in HBPs twice.
Hit By Pitches.
I perfected it when I was with the St Louis Browns.
I could get to first base on any pitch.
What I'd do was, I'd get up there and lean my body into the pitch.
Sometimes I took one right in the old melon.
But I really made a science out of it.
I became a master.
Here, try to miss me.
Diane, stand there.
Now, I got the batter's box marked off back there at exactly 50 feet, six inches.
You ready? OK, here we go.
- Has he done this before? - Lots.
Diane, in those days, we didn't wear batting helmets either.
This is ridiculous.
He'll stay there all night unless you throw.
OK, honey, I'm ready.
Let her rip! - Come on, baby.
- Alright! - I won't get it anywhere near him.
- That's the whole point.
I'm on my way to first.
Way to hum, girl.
Right on the old honeydew.
I really had to dive for that one, but I still got the old touch.
Hi, everybody.
Carla.
Hi.
It's Carla.
And Ed's on his way over.
Thanks for reminding me.
Carla.
What the hell are you doing here on your day off? I brought my shrink to meet you all.
He wanted to put names with faces.
Dr Graham, this is my boss, Sam.
- How do you do? - Hi.
- And this is Coach Pantusso.
- Hi.
So you're a psychologist? Our jobs are a lot alike.
Because we both listen to people's problems all day? Well, there's that, too.
It's really nice to meet you, Doctor.
- Hello, Doctor.
- Hello, Diane.
How are you? - In what sense? - Pardon me? You mean, "How are you?", not "How are you?" - If that's what you meant, I'm fine.
- Good.
It's good to see you, but I should get back to work.
Nothing personal, I'm just a hard worker.
- Not that I'm obsessed with work.
- Diane, get some pretzels.
Hi, Sam.
What's she doing here? Ed, why don't you sit down way over there? Listen, I asked you over here to talk about Carla tonight.
She's still working here.
I thought my attorney made my position clear on that.
Well, yes, he did.
Table for one.
Sit down.
See, Carla is seeing a therapist.
She's trying to work things out.
She wants to be the kind of waitress that you'd enjoy being waited on by.
You just ended that sentence with two prepositions.
Don't you have customers to deal with? That ended with a preposition, too.
Don't you have customers to deal with, mullet-head? Look So, you're in therapy? Yes.
I've come a long way, though.
Well, I don't believe it, and I want you outta here.
Ed? It's a long process.
- Sometimes - Sam? Ed, gimme a break.
I've been working damn hard and I'm better.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Boston stinks.
- This bar stinks.
- No, it's alright.
You're a crummy waitress.
- Wait a minute.
- Let it go.
- You're doing wonderfully.
- Hang in there.
You're short.
You're obnoxious.
- You're a terrible dresser! - That's low.
Sam Malone was a terrible pitcher! Ted Williams was overrated! - Bobby Orr was a wimp! - Eddie, I'd stay away from hockey.
I hit a soft spot, huh? OK.
The Bruins are a bunch of ugly, stupid sissies! C'mon, Ed, how much more do you need? OK, Sam.
I'm gonna drop the whole thing.
Working here is punishment enough.
I wish you hadn't said that about the Bruins.
Why, you a Bruins fan? No.
I'm a Bruin.
Let me walk you to your car.
I wanna show you some of those sissy things I got suspended for.
Alright! - Carla, that was wonderful.
- I'm so proud of you.
- A new woman.
- My psychologist Carla, how did you do it? Nothing to it.
I've been working on this, haven't I, Doc? We had some great sessions.
I just used this trick Dr Graham taught me.
I imagined a small point way off in the distance - Carla.
Where's that beer? - Shut up! We're celebrating! I just kept thinking of that point.
He never fazed me, I'm telling you.
With a little deep breathing