Cheers s03e15 Episode Script

King of the Hill

KING OF THE HILL - Coach, is this what I think it is? - What do you think it is? I think it's something totally useless that some salesman talked you into buying.
Boy, you're good at thinking, Sam.
"The Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter.
" Yeah, but it's not useless, Sam.
You can make it into a Ping-Pong table, a knock hockey table, a salad bar.
- How much? - I don't know.
A buck and a half with croutons.
No, Coach, I mean how much for the whole thing? "Satisfaction guaranteed.
" - Or? - That would have been a good question.
$600? Yeah, hard to believe, isn't it? - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What'll it be? - The usual.
I'll have a trough of beer and a snorkel.
Cliffie, maybe you could help me out.
- My mother-in-law's in town.
- Sorry.
- She wants to go sightseeing.
- Tell her to go to Florida.
I told her to go further south than that, but she's interested in American history.
Norman, take your mother to see Bunker Hill.
- Where? - Bunker Hill.
The scene of one of the most important battles in American history.
That place I've got to go all the way around to get to the pizza parlour? No way.
Hey, Norm, your car's unlocked.
- Someone might steal your laundry.
- What laundry? That big bundle on the front seat.
That's my mother-in-law.
She had kind of a rough flight.
She nodded out the second she hit the upholstery.
And you left her out there in an unattended automobile? I threw a blanket over her and I left her a note in case she comes to.
She's lucky to have you as a son-in-law, Norman.
I give her the red-carpet treatment, I guess.
Hey, pal.
Could you do me a favour and toss these in the blue Civic out in front? - Is Sam Malone here? - No.
What can I buy from you? What am I saying? What can I get you? I'll have a beer.
My name is Lenny Barnes.
I'm the publicist for the charity softball game this Saturday.
I'm looking for Sam.
I can tell you right now.
He wouldn't be interested in that.
Nobody with any dignity wants to get into those sideshow carnival things, where everybody's made to look stupid.
- Aren't you Ernie Pantusso? - I'd be honoured to do it.
- I don't think we need anybody else.
- Oh, well.
I find it hard to get up to Fenway these days.
The old memories come back? No, I keep getting the wrong bus.
I must have an old schedule.
I guess those stories about you are true.
That they are, Lenny.
Mr Barnes, Coach is right.
Sam never plays in old-timer type games.
- Sam's already agreed to play.
- What? I'm here for some publicity shots.
Lenny, why don't you take your beer and have a seat and wait for Sam? - Thank you.
I have to make a call.
- Use the telephone.
I'm so surprised at Sam, Diane.
He always said to me he'd never get involved in one of these things.
Maybe Sam misses being out there on the baseball field standing on the bump.
You got a point there.
I miss seeing him out there on the bump, too, but incidentally, it's called a mound.
Unless we're not talking about the same thing.
Thank you, Carla, for helping me.
You're sure you want to quit? I'm willing to catch a few more.
You weren't toying with the sound barrier out there.
No, I just wanted to loosen up a little bit, that's all.
I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house.
The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.
You're playing in this charity game? Yeah.
I was out there warming up.
My arm feels good.
Are you kidding me? When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.
All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
- Good luck.
- I have a right to be a little rusty.
The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
No, you are thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
The only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state.
You know how they treat solid waste? You said they treated you very well.
- Hey, Sam.
- Lenny, how are you doing? I'm fine.
I arranged to have a photographer and your opponents drop by for publicity stills.
- Right now? - They should be here right away.
What brought about this sudden altruistic bent in your personality? I resent that.
I've always cared deeply for people less fortunate than myself.
Here they are.
Sam, you great big humanitarian.
Who says you can't work for a worthy cause and still be sexually aroused? You could be having an appendectomy and still be sexually aroused.
Be that as it may.
I have to excuse myself now and go say hello to my fellow do-gooders.
- Are those dames or what? - This is disgusting.
In what kind of culture do I live where they are the ideal woman? You've got admit they are beautiful.
Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies and what have you got? You.
- Hey, they're Playboy Playmates.
- Get out of here.
I recognise Miss February of a few years back.
She's a native of Montana, hates the hustle and bustle of the big city.
Her turn-ons include strong but sensitive men, classical music and rainy afternoons.
Hard to believe that Vera and those are the same sex.
Excuse me.
Does anyone have a blue Civic with a bumper sticker that says, - "Accountants Do It With Interest"? - That would be mine.
It's true.
- They're towing it away.
- You noticed an old lady getting out? - No.
- Great.
Another round, Coach.
- What about your mother-in-law? - She's safe.
The cops have her.
- So my place or yours? - I have a roommate.
Yours it is.
- Would you take your drink? - Are you upset about something? You know what bugs me about women like you? You take off all your clothes, you pose for a magazine, thousands of men see you naked.
I have to go to them one by one.
It's not fair.
You look gorgeous, Sam.
Get up there and put your arms around the girls.
Put my arms around them, you say? Squeeze in there real tight, Sam.
That's good.
Tell me, Sam, how do you feel about the game on Saturday? It's a challenge of a lifetime.
We're looking at natural assets that will play havoc with the strike zone.
No, I'm looking forward to the game and I'm particularly looking forward to the shower afterwards.
Seriously, it will be a great game.
I hope that everybody comes out to support a worthy cause.
Step down and let me get a shot of the girls.
Put them over here by the door.
I know what you're thinking and I don't care.
If you think I'm even concerned, you are wrong.
Your sortie into sordidness has no effect on my emotions.
You could make love to all five of those women and I would feel nothing.
As I'm sure would they.
Let me introduce you to the girls.
I'd like to show them the charity I was involved with last year.
You are a sand flea.
That's the thanks I get? Hey, Coach, what happened to our pool table? It's still there, but thanks to our Billiard Buddy Adaptor, it's more fun than ever.
It can be a knock hockey table, a Ping-Pong table.
You name it.
I want a pool table.
Let me get out my easy-to-follow conversion instructions here.
Tool kit.
For moving And that.
- Coach, how long is this going to take? - 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes to put it together? - No, to figure what the hell this is.
- Forget it.
I'll play Ping-Pong.
- God bless you.
The play of the game was when Angela had to reach back to catch that foul ball.
That was a thing of beauty, Normie.
The best one was Ginger bending down to catch that grounder.
I had to applaud.
Let's not forget when Rosemary and Ginger kind of bumped into each other.
Either one of you manage to sneak a peak at the scoreboard? There was a scoreboard? The final score was Sam's team seven, Playmates zero.
He was blowing those girls away.
It was a massacre.
I lost track of the final strike outs, but the important thing is the twinkies lost.
- Did you hear I got 18 strike outs? - Sam, I counted 17.
The ump was blind.
That ball cut the corner.
Drinks are on me.
We're celebrating.
Sammy, what happened to the Playmates? I thought they were coming here after the game.
They were.
I guess they're sore losers.
What happened to sportsmanship? Maybe they were put off by your victory laps.
Come on, man.
That was just a joke.
That was a pretty good game, wasn't it? I really had my stuff back.
- Wasn't it supposed to be for fun? - That's right.
I had a great time.
Hey, guys, I really had my stuff.
Magnificent, Sam.
Any chance the girls'll be by? Would you guys forget the girls here? I just won a game, didn't let anybody pass first base and you're pretending it is an ordinary day.
Excuse me.
I'm not an expert in the field of sports, but it's my impression that the fans paid to see the little Playmates wiggling their heinies around the bases.
You're the last person I want to talk to today.
You're not in the top five any day, but for your information, people paid good money to watch Sam Malone pitch.
I paid for heinies.
Come on! People don't pay to watch their baseball stars stink.
They pay to watch them relive their old glories.
Sammy I was more thrilled than anybody to see you out there flinging it again, but even I was a little embarrassed when you put one in Babette's ear cos she was crowding the plate.
Hey, the plate belongs to me.
If she can't stand the heat, she shouldn't have crossed the baseline.
- We're celebrating, guys.
- Sam, you knocked a girl down? No, Coach, I didn't knock a girl down.
I knocked a batter down.
- She was halfway across the plate.
- Halfway across.
She deserves it.
- Let's celebrate.
- Yes, by all means.
Let's celebrate.
This is a major accomplishment, Sam.
I think you're ready to take on the Camp Fire Girls All-Stars.
Way to go, Diane.
You guys want to go out there now and face me? Any of you.
Get a bat.
First person that gets a hit off me, I'll give them the bar.
Any takers? I thought that would shut you up, you gutless wonders.
Why don't you go over to the Playboy Club and hang out with the losing team? Coach, I'm going to be in the back room alone.
Good, Diane's here.
Sam, you are an attractive man.
You have many friends.
You have a lot going for you.
But you have one miserable character flaw.
Gee, I wonder if I could coax you into telling me what that is.
You and I dated for what seemed an eternity and I think I know you pretty well.
You get into a contest and you'd rather die than lose.
I'm surmising, but a fear of losing drove you to drink and ruined your career.
I'll tell you something and then I'd appreciate it if you leave.
A little competitiveness is a healthy thing.
But you have more than a little competitiveness.
Sam, you're very sick.
- I am not.
- Yes, you are and I can prove it.
Why did you play this game? To impress a bevy of buxom Bunnies, who now will never speak to you again.
You wanted to beat them more than you wanted to bed them.
My God, I am sick.
You're not sick.
You just have a problem.
I know.
I've always had it.
You approached games in this same way when you were a child? Especially when I was a child.
My parents were kind of tough on me.
I couldn't please them.
If I got a C in school, they said, "Why not a B?" - If I got a B, "Why didn't you get an A?" - And if you got an A? Sorry.
You know, in high school once I pitched a two-hitter.
All my dad could talk about were the lousy two damn hits.
Sam, this is wonderful.
You're sharing an attempt to confront the roots of your self-involvement.
I had no idea you could relate on this level.
Yeah, it kind of feels good to open up like this.
When I was about six I made my dad breakfast in bed on Father's Day.
I was really proud of myself.
All he could say was the eggs were too dry and the toast was too light.
Sam, I'm feeling a closeness to you now that compels me to share a core feeling of my own, something which I have yet to make privy to my analyst.
It happened my 17th summer If I'd made the toast any darker, he would have said I burned it.
I was brimming with the innocence of youth Everybody else would have said, "That toast is fine.
" Stop with the damn toast tragedy.
- What's your problem? - I'm trying to share something painful.
- And you keep cutting me off.
- I was talking about my dad.
I was going to tell you about the time I stayed home from the prom.
You interrupted my dad's story for that? What more was there? He didn't like your toast.
Tell me all about your dance story.
Does this have anything to do with mice and glass slippers? I assure you my prom story would make your story look like self-pitying tripe.
All right.
Right now I'm going to admit that I'm a very competitive person.
It just occurred to me why our relationship never worked.
You always had to have the last say.
You had to be on top and you're still doing it.
You are just as competitive as I am.
Me? I'm not competitive.
I'm intense and strong-willed.
But I think that mindless games and contests are very destructive and diminish the human spirit.
Is that right? Want to play Ping-Pong? Of course I don't want to play Ping-Pong.
It's preposterous.
It's not exactly my best sport.
A lot of people beat me at it, but I bet I could beat you.
What if you did? What would it prove? That I'm having a great day, my dad was wrong, God's in His heaven and you are a loser.
As always, you are just trying to avoid the central issue here.
Come on, chicken.
Don't do this, Sam.
I've played Ping-Pong.
My father built me an elaborate rec room when I was a child.
My daddy liked me.
Yeah, I bet you got lots of practice staying home from all those proms.
It gave me the opportunity to master the complexities of making toast.
Nice serve, Diane.
All right.
Yeah, you'll be easy.
I'm real worried.
And since that time, Norm, I've never feared death.
- My point! - Lucky shot.
Come on, serve.
- What are we doing? - It's called Ping-Pong.
This all started out with us arguing over who is the most competitive.
What are we proving by knocking a ball all night? It won't be all night.
I'm about to win.
Let's start by admitting that we both have a problem.
Let's put down our paddles simultaneously and walk away from this.
You're quitting? Is that it? As it so happens, I am a point ahead.
I could win on this serve.
I am suggesting a greater triumph for us both.
A victory over this destructive problem we both have.
Let's beat our paddles into ploughshares, Sam.
Say again? Try this for me and see if you don't feel better.
I'm putting down my paddle.
Join me in this victory, Sam.
- How do you feel? - I feel OK.
- As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good.
- Good.
- Like to buy me a cup of coffee? - You bet.
- How about that? - Just one more thing.
- I win! - You're not getting out of here alive.
- Don't be a sore loser.
- You'll be sore.
That's why they call those paddles.