Cheers s03e16 Episode Script

Teacher's Pet

TEACHER'S PET Carla, might I have a word? I know how you always like to poke fun at me and whatnot, but I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from one area I'm sensitive about.
- That is my ears.
- I don't make jokes about your ears.
Why would I make jokes about Oh, my God! I never noticed those satellite dishes before.
I must have been distracted by the other atrocities attached to your head.
Just hear me out on this one, will you? Last night I went through my insurance policy and I discovered that I'm eligible for an ear tuck.
It's going to be hard enough to go through without you razzing me.
So all I want to ask is that you please not make my life a living hell.
- This really means a lot to you.
- It's the most important thing in my life.
Well, go ahead.
Get it done.
We'll see.
One other thing, Carla.
Would you lay off about how I live with my mother? Gee, you've got to give me something.
What am I going to tease you about? I'm not the most tidy guy in the world.
Oh, OK.
I'll limit myself to that.
- Thank you, Carla.
- You're welcome.
Your mother called.
She said you left your earmuffs in the driveway and no one can get out.
That was a tidy tease.
Hey, everybody.
- What do you have there, Sam? - Looks like books.
Yeah, I guess you could call them books.
Something I've been meaning to read.
Why don't you open one up so we can see the little gingerbread house pop out? You wasted your money on that one, Sam.
You'll be disappointed with the ending.
I'll be in my office.
- He locked his door.
- We're trapped out here with you.
Sam never locks his door.
He's done that a few times this week.
He did it the other night, never made a sound.
Stayed till closing time.
My God.
The thing I feared worst has happened.
Your living bra died of boredom.
This is no time for levity.
I think Sam might be drinking again.
I was afraid of this.
Day after day of watching Frasier and me exulting in our joy has driven him over the edge.
Come on, Diane.
I doubt seriously if he's drinking.
There's lots of things he could be doing.
Like what? Maybe he's reading just like he said.
It can't be that.
I was once with Sam when he was reading.
I'd recognise the sounds anywhere.
Well, there's one way to ascertain whether he's drinking.
I will smell his breath.
- Go away.
- Sam, it's Diane.
Go far away.
Sam, there's something important I need to talk to you about.
- All right, come in.
- The door is locked.
I wonder how that happened.
- Hello, Sam.
- Hello.
What are you doing? Why are you sniffing like that? - What's that? - I told you, I had a book.
"The World And Its People.
" This is surprising, Sam.
The title doesn't contain the words naughty, hot, or throbbing? - I told you, it's just a book I'm reading.
- It's not just a book.
It's a textbook.
- Are you back in school? - Promise you won't tell anybody.
This is nothing to keep secret.
This is wonderful.
Why are you concealing it? It's a little embarrassing.
A guy my age going back to school.
It's not embarrassing! It's noble and fine and it's inspirational.
Let's tell everyone! No, come on.
You know how the guys make fun of me.
Sam, no one enjoys teasing you more than I do and I refrained.
That's true.
All right, what the hey, let's do it.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
- Unless - Unless what? Sam, you're not doing this to impress me and win me back, are you? - No, I'm doing it for my diploma.
- I hope so.
If this is part of some involved scheme to get me back in bed with you, you will be very disappointed.
Yeah, but you'll enjoy yourself.
Attention, everyone.
I have an announcement to make.
Someone in Cheers is improving himself and I want you all to know about it.
I knew it.
Carla, you told Diane about my ear job, didn't you? Clifford, Carla didn't tell me anything.
Well, you were saying? After a rather lengthy interruption, Sam has decided to go back to school and pursue his degree.
- You're getting your ears done, man? - Where's your sense of humour.
- It was a joke.
- Will you forget about that? This is exciting news.
Our Sammy is going to attain his Bachelor of what? - Art? Sciences? - High school.
- His Bachelor High school.
What? - I never graduated from high school.
In my senior year I got a contract to play Class A ball.
Spring training didn't start until February and school didn't get out until June.
High school.
I always promised my parents I'd go back and finish.
She was a lot happier about this in the other room.
I spent a year of my life being defiled by Dobie Gillis.
I'm terribly sorry.
I just assumed you meant college.
- I plan to go to college, too.
- Good.
Let me know when you get there so I can leave the house without a veil.
Sam, why does a guy like you want to go back to high school? You got everything a man could want and you dumped the one thing no man wants.
I'm tired of being embarrassed about being a dropout.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
A lot of famous people never graduated.
Name three.
According to "The Book Of Lists", Thomas Edison, Noël Coward.
Cher never graduated.
- Cher? - Absolutely.
Never finished, Coach.
- I feel a lot better now.
- Why? You never finished either? No, I was missing a couple of those what-d'- you-ma-call-its? - Units? - No, years, Diane.
Do you think it would be a good idea if I was going back to school? I think it's a wonderful idea.
The two of you can go together.
Coach can make up classes he missed.
What do you think? I'll have my hands full getting me through.
It'll be fun.
You'll have someone to study with.
Coach, I'm just taking geography.
It's the last thing I have to complete so I can get my diploma.
Sam, it would only be a start for me, you know.
As a matter of fact, as I remember it now I was very good in geography.
- Really? - Yeah.
Or was it geometry? Diane, give me a question in geometry.
What is the sum of the angles in an isosceles triangle? It was geography.
- Hey, everybody.
- Clifford.
Well, take your last look at a flawed Clifford.
Tomorrow I go under the knife.
Why don't you just go under the bus? I'm talking about my operation, Carla.
I'm going to have my ears tucked back.
Save money Put chewing gum behind them.
That doesn't work.
I mean that probably wouldn't work.
- Don't let me stop you.
You're on a roll.
- Those are the only words I know.
You guys seem to be in a good mood.
You noticed? We did great on our test tonight.
You both passed? Passed? We both got A's again.
Once again we got the two highest grades in the class.
Are we going to study together tonight? Listen, this exam's going to constitute - What have I told you all semester? - Oh, I know, I know.
Studying is for saps.
That's right.
I'll be in my office.
- What was the test about, Sam? - I don't know.
I forget.
Wait a minute.
You got an A on this test and you don't know what it covered? After a quiz, I like to empty out my head.
How? By blowing your nose? I got an A, didn't I? Coach, I am so impressed with you.
Thank you, Diane.
- Sam didn't retain much from the test.
- Yeah, but he does just great.
I never realised what a brain he is.
I study all the time.
He sleeps in the classroom.
He never takes a note.
And still he gets the great grades.
No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favourite.
- Miss Purdy? - Yeah, our beautiful school teacher.
And Sam is her favourite? Well, I can't say that.
But Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
- They kiss? - Yeah, I saw them in the parking lot.
I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
With probing tongues? No, Diane, with a thumbtack and my thumb.
I can't believe he's sunk to these depths.
I curse the day I walked into this bar.
Then it's unanimous.
Sam Malone, this is absolutely - The worst thing I've ever done.
- The worst thing Wait a minute.
You don't know what I'm going to say.
I found out you have been - Sleeping with my teacher.
- That's right.
That's not the worst part.
She also has been giving you - Good marks because of it.
- Yes.
Are you admitting that you know it's wrong? - Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah? Well, stop slouching.
Look what's happened to your posture.
- What? - I needed something.
Gee the whole thing started so innocently.
I began dating her because she was cute and because we hit it off.
I had no idea that I was going to get better marks because of it.
I just was after some meaningless sex and it's turned into something sleazy.
You know the old saying, "The best laid plans of mice and scum " Yeah, boy, ain't that the truth? I didn't realise anything was wrong until I got these quizzes back.
Instead of marking off wrong answers, she'd say, "Close enough.
A plus.
" It's a sad commentary on our educational system when a harlot is allowed in the public schools.
If I remember correctly, when we met you were dating your professor.
For your information, I was a legitimate A student in the classroom.
I never got good grades in the sack.
Don't worry.
I always gave you an E for effort.
I'm going to tell you what you have to do.
You won't like it, but you have to Call Miss Purdy and tell her I want an honest grade.
Sit up straight! I can't do that, Diane.
I'm not prepared to take the exam.
Well, Coach will help you.
Sam, you started out with such noble intentions.
I hate to see you end up like this.
Yeah, I know you're right.
Right after I take the exam, then I'll call her.
Come on Maybe with Coach's help, I can get by.
Hello, Miss Purdy? It's little Sammy Malone from the third row.
Yeah, listen, Alana, about school, I had this crazy thought.
I'm even embarrassed to mention it.
Is our relationship in any way affecting the marks I've been getting? Like making you unconsciously change some of What? You are? Well, that's nice, but Me? Yeah, I'm naked, too.
Sounds like we're ready for the class photo.
No, there's no one here.
It was an insect, but I killed it.
Listen, I'm serious about this.
I would like my grade to be based on my knowledge of geography.
No, I mean it.
Did I say something funny? When you see the results of my tests, you're going to be laughing out the other side of your hemisphere.
Excuse me, I've got studying to do.
Is there anything in particular I should cram? All right, but remember, I gave you that one as a going-away present.
Boy, that lady has got a mean mouth on her for a 73-year-old.
I was joking, I was joking! Hey, Coach! - Where's Coach? - He's in the back, Sam.
What's wrong? Nothing.
I've got to study for this exam.
It's important.
- I'd be happy to help you study, Sam.
- I'd be proud to assist.
Are you kidding me? You can't help me.
You know squat about geography.
Coach, could you help me study? We've got to start studying now.
I thought you didn't need anybody.
He does now.
While you were earning your grades with hard work, Sam earnt his by dating the teacher.
Is that true, Sam? Yeah, but I've wiped the slate clean, Coach.
Whatever I get now, I have to earn, so please help me cram.
You mean all semester long, I've been wearing my buns to the bone while you've been polishing the teacher's apple? Come on, Coach.
I want to get my diploma.
You know that whatever I get in this exam is my grade for the class.
Find yourself another sap to study with.
- Come on, Coach.
- No way.
I'm going.
Oh, my God, I need help.
Carla, what do you know about geography? I know what creek you're up.
Hey, guys, would you help me study for this quiz? Maybe you could just go over the facts with me or something? I'm sorry, Sam.
I think we're too dumb to help.
Don't you, Norm? I didn't even understand the question, Cliffie.
I want to go home, I think.
- I'll go home.
- Yeah, left.
- I can't even do that.
- Let's go home, Norm.
I guess that just leaves you and me, huh? Oh, dear, Sam.
This is a problem.
Frasier and I have tickets for a piece of experimental theatre tonight.
I feel obligated to go because the last act takes place in Frasier's living room.
- I'd hate to have you miss that.
- If you want me to cancel out, I will.
No, it's too late.
You can't help me.
I'm going to fail this exam.
I wonder if Miss Purdy's still naked.
No OK, Sam, I'll help you.
You always mess up and I always bail you out.
You mess it up and I bail you out.
It's getting a little boring.
- I'm telling you.
- Thanks, Coach.
- Don't you think it's getting boring? - Yes, Coach.
The only thing I can say is that Sam's lucky to have such a forgiving friend.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
You can learn about anything in this world if you just follow my little trick.
Got it? Albania.
Here, Albania.
Or - should we say Albania? - Why did you say it like that? We learn our facts by associating countries with music.
Why? - Do you want to study alone? - No.
One, two, three Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic Your land is mostly mountainous And your chief export is chrome You're a communist republic, You're a red regime Sing it, Sam.
Ready? Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic Cliffie, I thought you were getting your ears done today.
I decided this is the way God made me.
Who am I to question His judgement? You were wrong about the insurance company covering it? Mostly that.
Taiwan, Taiwan on the sea That China Sea Listen up, everybody! I got an A in the tests and the best grades in the class.
- How did you do, Sam? - I got nosed out by Coach.
I got a D.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Malone is now a high school graduate.
- Congratulations.
- For what? - You passed.
- Yeah, a D as in dumb.
A D as in diploma.
An honest D is better than a tainted A.
Boy, I tell you, I may have my diploma, but I sure feel dumber than ever.
I studied myself hoarse for that exam and still I got a D.
Sam, you only had one night to study.
It makes no difference.
My brain doesn't work like yours.
I can't learn things.
Sam, some people may be better students than others, but you have street smart, savvy - Common sense.
- That's right.
Just because you can't remember Pierre is the capital of North Dakota doesn't mean that you should feel - Wait a minute.
Say that again.
- What? - The capital of North Dakota.
- Pierre.
No, it isn't.
It's Bismarck.
Pierre, South Da What difference does it make? - The point is you have earned your - Pierre? I can't believe this.
North Dakota, Pierre? Hey, listen to this for a second.
Go on, tell them.
I was just making an illustration.
What's the capital of North Dakota? - Easy.
- She thinks it's Pierre.
All right, I may have inadvertently switched the two.
- Oregon.
Give me the capital of Oregon.
- Portland.
- No, it isn't.
It's Eugene.
- I knew that.
- It just slipped my mind.
- It isn't Eugene.
It's Salem.
Do you believe this? Ignorance is bliss.
This is Eden.