Cheers s05e16 Episode Script

Never Love a Goalie (1)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Okay, guys, that's it.
Closing time.
Already? It's hard to believe Well, good night, Sammy.
Good night.
Guys, don't forget, tonight's the night we go off daylight savings time.
Be sure to change your clocks.
Let's see now, it's 2:00 now, so which way does it go? That's "spring forward, fall back," Mr.
All right, so it's, uh, 1:00.
Set 'em up, Sammy.
I was this close to going home.
I love this universe.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Afternoon, Sam.
Hey, Frasier.
What's wrong? You look like you lost your best friend.
Well, in a manner of speaking, I have.
A colleague of sorts passed away today.
Someone who contributed volumes to the world of psychology.
Well, I'm sorry.
Is it anybody I know? Bombo the chimpanzee.
Don't you remember, Sam? They shared an office.
See, Bombo was one of Dr.
Harry Harlow's apes.
Harlow was a behavioral theorist who worked extensively with primates studying human parenting and child rearing.
Bombo was the last of the group.
And he was the baby.
I can still see him clutching his little cloth surrogate mother.
I don't think we'll ever see his like again.
Can I get you anything? Please.
Something to take my mind off my troubles.
How about a banana daiquiri? Cute.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Oh, hello, my darling.
Oh, my, will you look at that ring.
My boyfriend gave it to me.
You'll have to pardon my giddiness.
I am in such a glorious mood today.
I don't think anything could spoil it.
Bombo is dead.
Not even that.
I have been selected to serve the Commonwealth of Massachusetts on jury duty.
(groaning) I'm so sorry.
That's awful.
They tried to get me once, but I got off 'cause I got a good excuse.
I'm the sole support of six kids.
I suppose they felt that anyone who hadn't mastered birth control isn't smart enough for jury duty.
You know, I tried to serve, but they disqualified me.
Yeah? Yeah.
I can't understand it, 'cause they went for my theory.
What theory's that? The one about, uh, bringing back the guillotine.
Gee, they, uh, turned you down, huh? I guess the old inmates are running the asylum, huh? Well, I'm honored to have been chosen to participate in our system of jurisprudence.
I'll be proud to serve on a jury of my peers.
Or so they'll think.
You know, other than voting, I think jury duty is the single greatest privilege America bestows on her citizenry.
Couldn't get out of it, huh? I tried everything.
Hey, you know who that is? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, it's Eddie LeBec.
NORM: Eddie LeBec right here.
All right.
Wow, Eddie LeBec.
Who is Eddie LeBec? Well, if they're excited about seeing him, he's either a sports figure or he holds the world's record for stuffing beer nuts up his nose.
Uh-uh-uh, that is Jimmy "The Snorkel" Stevens, Diane.
Yeah, he's a, uh, new goalie for the Bruins.
Hey, that old guy is hardly new.
He's been around the league for a while.
Yeah, but since the Bruins picked him up, he's won five in a row.
FRASIER: Boy, the injustice of it.
A man rises to such popular acclaim simply by stopping a hockey puck with his face while a courageous little chimp who advanced man's scientific knowledge dies almost anonymously.
You should have gotten the monkey a pair of skates.
You know, I've always had this thing for the goalies and catchers.
Guys who wear masks.
Some girls like the scorers, you know, the glamour guys? Me, I like the grunts who crouch down and take everything that's thrown at them-- scarred faces, teeth missing, noses mashed to a meaty pulp.
God, they're sexy.
He's looking pretty thirsty over there, Carla.
Why don't you, uh? Ooh, let me at him.
Hi, there.
Uh, could I have a glass of club soda, no ice, two slices of lime and a red straw, please? Club soda, no ice, two slices of lime, and a red straw, please.
Sam, a club, club soda Yep, I heard, I heard, I heard.
Yeah, that was masterful, Carla.
Hey, you know what, you know what line I think really won his heart? Wow, Eddie LeBec.
It sure is exciting seeing a sports figure in real life.
What about, what about me, Woody? Well, I can't speak for you, Sam.
I only know I'm excited.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Eddie, uh sorry I'm a little tongue-tied.
I I guess it's because I'm really a big fan of yours.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You know who I am? Are you kidding? Eddie LeBec, born Hull, Quebec.
Drafted out of the juniors in the fifth round to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Played for a year with the Leafs, then traded to the Winnipeg Jets, then to Calgary, then to Boston.
Two game misconducts, 78 and 81.
Currently leads the league in goals against.
Favorite number is 5-5-5-7-8-4-3.
What's that? Where I can be reached at night.
Well, heh, it's really nice meeting you.
Carla Tortelli.
Could I get you some pretzels? Oh, no, I just drink, uh, one club soda, no ice, two slices of lime and a, and a red straw before every game.
Oh, superstitious, huh? Oh, uh, no.
Just things have been going so well for me here in Boston, I, uh, don't want to do anything that might change that, you know? Oh, right.
Well, uh, what other little rituals do you have? Oh, I don't know.
Uh, I brush my teeth every day.
(both chuckling) No kidding.
I, um I don't know.
I lace my left skate first, then my right skate.
Left and right, yeah.
And, um, since my winning streak started, I, I wear my underwear inside out.
You are really a fascinating guy.
Oh, gosh, Carla, you know, I, I got to go.
Uh Yeah.
It was really nice meeting you.
Yeah, you, too.
Yeah, thank you.
Say, Carla, would you like my tickets for tonight's game? Whoa! Yeah, well, you can just pick them up at Will Call.
Oh, thanks! It was really nice meeting you.
You too, Eddie.
See you.
Guys! Guys, guys, get this! I've got Eddie's tickets to the Garden tonight! NORM: No way! Bruins and Canadiens.
Seats so choice you can smell the sweat.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah.
Anybody want the other ticket? Oh, God, I'd love to go, but I can't.
I got to work.
Oh, too bad, Sam.
Wait a minute.
Don't you have to work, too? You don't think you can keep me here, do you? Come on, what happened to "Sam, could I please have the night off?" Sam, may I please have the night off? Yes.
See how easy it is if you just ask? So, who's it going to be? (Norm and Cliff clamoring) Well, I only have one.
(frantic pleading continues) Cliff, Cliff, wait a second now.
I mean, our friendship's a little too important to be ripped apart by something as stupid as a hockey ticket, all right? Well, I guess you're right, Normie.
A sporting event's only for a few hours.
Friendship like ours lasts forever.
There you go.
So, who's going to take it? (both clamoring) None of you, you, you.
Get out of here! Isn't there anybody else? What about Frasier? Hey, Frasier, you look like you could use a pick-me-up.
A hockey game? SAM: Yeah.
No, thank you.
I've been to the bullfights in Spain.
I've been to the altar with Diane.
I think that's enough carnage for one life.
Oh, come on, Frasier, go.
Bombo would have wanted you to.
Perhaps you're right.
You know, I've always wondered what makes the average person turn into an animal at a sporting event.
Perhaps I could witness the phenomenon and write a paper on it.
Put Dr.
Frasier Crane back on the map.
Carla, thank you.
I accept.
Well, at least I won't be fondled all night.
Man, what a game! Eddie stopped 40 shots! NORM: Oh! I mean, I haven't seen a guy have a night like that since Harmon Killebrew hit those three moon-shot homers off of you, Sam.
Yes, I was certainly lucky to be there to see that, wasn't I? Then at the end of the game when the crowd was giving Eddie his standing "O," he skated right past me and spit.
Well, you're very lucky, Carla.
Most men would have been embarrassed to make such a show of affection in public.
You know, I got to believe you're right.
Yeah, Carla, where's Frasier? I don't know.
The last I saw of him, they were hauling him off in a security van.
Well, just curious.
"Security van"? What happened? I don't know.
I was watching the game.
I guess there was some kind of scuffle.
He got caught up in it.
(laughing) Good Lord! Oh, hey, Carla, look who came back, eh? I'm sure he's not here just to see me.
Yeah? Carla, the man spit.
Hey, great game, Eddie.
(both laughing) Thanks, Carla.
Want a beer? Yeah, sure.
Beer, Sam.
So, uh what're you doing back here? Well, I'm kind of new in Boston.
I really don't know anybody.
That'll be all.
Well, how about the other guys on the team? I don't know.
Most of the other guys are, I don't know, married or they have girlfriends, so I just thought I'd come back and see you know, how you liked your seats.
Loved 'em! I like your seat, too.
Carla, you coquette.
Say, uh, Carla, you, can you come around and sit down and, uh, maybe we can talk a little bit.
Sure! Oh, thanks.
So, you're a hockey fan, eh? Oh, yeah.
Well what else should I know about you? Me? Well, uh, I'm in my mid-20s, never been married, got no kids.
You're next in line to the throne of England.
Frasier Crane, noted psychiatrist, winner of the Mildred Bergen Fellowship, author of 27 published articles, is out on bail.
Frasier, what happened? Well, you know, I've always prided myself on being a man of control and maturity.
But suddenly I was swept up into this crowd's excitement.
Well, damn me to a junior college for saying it, I was enjoying myself.
But I guess the controlled mayhem of the situation made me more assertive.
Also, there was this guy sitting in front of me who insisted on wearing his cowboy hat.
Well, I asked this huckleberry several times to remove it, and he refused, and so then I just took it off his head and handed it to him, and he handed it back to me with his fist in it.
(laughs) Next thing I know, I'm in a holding cell at some North End station house with the cast of The Road Warrior.
Did you get Mel Gibson's autograph? So, uh, so you had a little fight.
You stood up for yourself.
Come on, look me in the eye face-to-face here.
Didn't it feel great? Well, I have to admit, (chuckles) There was a moment there when I had a feeling of satisfaction like never before in my life.
Sorry, Diane.
Oh So, Carla, I'd better get back to my place.
I gotta look at some films.
I just, uh, I don't know, I just wanted to stop in and see, you know, just Hey, Eddie, you know, I really should be honest with you.
I do have kids.
Well, I love kids.
I'd still like to see ya again, okay? Oh, anytime.
No, no, no, no.
If these guys, you know, find out that you kissed me, that's all I'd be hearing about for the next month.
All right.
Come on.
He kissed me! Well, Sam, that was my lawyer.
He's managed to get the authorities to drop all the charges.
All right.
Got off scot-free, huh? Not exactly.
It seems I have to undergo seven hours of psychological counseling.
Man, it is busy back there, Sam.
So, uh, Carla, you're seeing old #33 again tonight, huh? No, Cliff, Eddie's got a game tonight.
Yeah, after a couple of nights with you, he's looking for something a little less strenuous to do, eh? Listen, you couch potatoes, don't get the wrong idea.
There's nothing serious between us.
We're just friends.
Well, you say that, Carla, but why am I picking up the subtle fragrance of la belle amour? You know, I like Eddie well enough.
And what can I say? It's kind of a kick dating a star.
I mean, I've never been out before with a guy who has a driver come and pick him up and take him anywhere he wants to go.
Ooh, he's got a limousine? No, he has me.
But he pays for everything.
You know, movies, parking, refreshments.
Do you know how much a tub of popcorn is going for these days? It's, uh, $3.
70 at the Alto.
Yeah, that Eddie takes care of me real good.
But you're not falling for him, right? Oh, look, who are we fooling here, Sam? I mean, you know my luck with men.
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting some bum who once dumped on me.
And Eddie LeBec is a star.
You know, once he's been here a while, he'll know a lot more people, and it's "Bye-bye, Carla.
" Hey.
No way some guy like that ends up with me.
Listen, will you stop cutting yourself short? You offer a lot of things to a guy.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead-end job and fallen arches.
You know, if I weren't already engaged Hi, Sam.
Sorry I'm late.
The first day of the trial went a little longer than I expected.
Oh, that's all right.
Just grab an apron.
We got the Bruins playing tonight.
And the Eddie LeBec Fan Club is holding forth, led by President Carla Tortelli.
Luck of the draw.
I think I have gotten the most challenging and interesting case of the year.
Oh, that's great.
Listen, do me a favor, will ya? Go upstairs and get me some change, please? Fine.
Of course, I can't discuss the details of the trial, but, oh, only if I could.
Mostly quarters, yeah.
I can tell you that I've been chosen foreman of the jury.
Well, that's great.
Yeah, listen, you do good with this change thing, and I'll make you captain of the bar.
Well just as well that I'm leaving.
I wouldn't want to slip and divulge too much information.
Particularly in this case.
Attempted murder.
(chuckles) This is the last place I'd talk about it.
Once I let something out, you'd all be prodding me endlessly for details.
Sammy, is Diane coming in today? (chuckling): Yeah.
Hey, folks.
Hey, Sam.
Hey, Carla.
NORM: Eddie.
How you doing? Woody, get that man a club soda, no ice, two slices of lime, and a red straw.
(chuckles) Is that really what you want? Yes, sir.
How'd you know that, Sam? He ordered it yesterday.
Oh, well, then I'd better hurry.
You know, I used to, uh I used to have this little ritual when I was pitching for the Red Sox.
Before every game, I'd go out to our third base coach, Ernie Pantusso, and he'd rub my tummy and I'd rub his head.
Next thing we knew, the whole stadium was looking at two grown men standing in the middle of the field rubbing each other.
After that we, we did it in the locker room.
Pretty soon after that, we just stopped altogether.
Anyway, all I know is that I've never played better than, than this in my life.
Yeah? The puck's looking as big as a frisbee.
My reactions are quicker than ever.
I've never been happier.
I'm not gonna do anything to break my routine.
(Sam laughs) Except to add one thing.
I'm dedicating tonight's game to you.
SAM: Good night, Eddie.
Good night.
Hey, Eddie.
Your wallet fell out of your coat.
(chuckles) (laughs) Stop kidding around.
Okay, I'll see ya.
He's always kidding around.
(Carla laughing) SPORTS ANNOUNCER: is on the attack.
They bring it out on center ice now on the red line.
The puck is tipped away, Flyers.
The Bruins get it back again, and Of course, I can't really talk about the trial.
No, no, I had the vodka gimlet.
Oh, right, I'm sorry.
I could, I suppose, give you a hypothetical case, just to give you an idea.
Not that it would be the same, but similar.
Now, we have a defendant who's accused of attempted murder of his wife.
We'll call him Scum.
And a wife.
Let's call her Victim.
I really shouldn't be telling you this.
It's just that I can't help it.
I'm compelled to share it with someone.
But no, no, I'm not going to say another word.
I'm going to zip my mouth.
(chuckles) Can I get you anything else? No, zipping your mouth will be fine.
(yelling) Hey, how much time we got left? Minute and a half.
Oh, come on, Eddie.
Come on.
You got it.
He's got to be the greatest.
I mean, three periods and overtime, and the Flyers have only put one in against him.
Man, can he ever hold them.
Oh, you think he can hold 'em? I've had four beers this period alone.
I have not left this barstool.
All right? (grumbling, laughing) Give me an A.
A! Give me a B! B! Give me a C! C! Give me a D! D! Wait, wait a minute, Woody.
What're you doing? The alphabet.
We're warming up here.
Give me a What exactly is the definition of attempted murder? Does does the accused actually have to go through with the crime and fail? Or is it our duty to look into his craven heart and determine his intent? I mean, how often does someone just happen to lose control of a power saw? (yelling) CARLA: Come on, Eddie! I'm here! I'm with you! Uh, Carla, he picked a heck of a game to dedicate to you, huh? CARLA: You're telling me.
Sam, would you look at me? I'm on top of the world.
I'm Eddie LeBec's chick.
I mean, I am dating the hottest goalie in the league, and everybody knows me.
For once in my life, I really feel like I'm somebody.
(yelling) No, no, no, the Flyers stole it! Now, don't worry, boys.
It's time for the old Tortelli lucky charm.
Eddie, for you.
Battle for the puck along the boards.
Time running out.
Doesn't look like they'll get a shot off.
Five seconds, four seconds.
Brock plays it on the boards and Fratti shoots.
He scores! The winning goal for Philadelphia! The game is over on a shot that LeBec should have blocked in his sleep.
(TV shuts off) (whistles) Great.
Eddie blew it.
Just my luck.
You know, if it was me in that fairy tale, and I kissed the frog, he'd end up turning into a lizard.
One who couldn't go to his left.
Come on, come on, come on.
Lighten up on him.
He just had an off night, that's all.
I mean, that guy is gonna take us all the way to the Stanley Cup.
(all murmuring agreement) You're right.
I mean, what am I saying? Yeah.
He'll bounce back tomorrow.
You bet.
He'll be fine.
Inside of a week, that Muyaak will be ice fishing in Nova Scotia.