Cheers s05e17 Episode Script

Never Love a Goalie (2)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
(tape rewinding) (beeping) Hi, Sam, this is Carla.
I'll be in a little late today.
Eddie's really down about his losing streak, and I want to cheer him up.
It may take six or seven hours.
You know hockey players.
(beeping) DIANE: Hi, Sam, it's me.
I'm on a little break from the trial.
We had some of the most fascinating testimony today.
Of course, I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
Suffice it to say (tape fast-forwarding) and the defendant had the unmitigated gall to get Oh, uh, they're calling us back in.
I have to go.
Love you.
(beeping) Uh, this is Woody.
Sam, uh, I got home tonight and remembered Diane called after you left and wanted me to give you a message.
I love you.
(beeping) Uh, Sam, this is Woody again.
That message I just left-- you understand it was Diane saying I love you, not me.
All right, bye.
(beeping) This is Woody again.
Uh, don't misunderstand me, I really like you a lot.
(beeping) This is Woody again.
Uh, I've been thinking it over, Sam.
I do love you.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries ♪ Sure would help a lot ♪ ♪ Wouldn't you like to get away♪ ♪ Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, uh, Normie? Are you going to do my taxes again this year? Sure thing, bud.
Yeah, boy, I'm going to need some help shuffling through these new tax laws, I'll tell you.
What new tax laws? Maybe, uh, maybe I'll just short-form it this year.
See there's a little more Eddie LeBec trade talk here.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah? Oh, terrific.
Uh, Bruins are playing Gretzky at Edmonton tonight.
Boy, another chance to see Eddie "Come on in and bring your puck" LeBec.
(chuckling): Yeah.
Boy, I tell you, that zuke is a disgrace to his teammates and this fair city.
Come on, give him a break.
Well, Sammy, it's not like we're not for the guy.
I mean, especially with Carla going out with him.
But, you know, the guy's in a major slump, let's face it.
CLIFF: Hey, I can tell you an interesting thing about slumps, too.
Uh, statistics show that they can be grouped into four categories.
Yeah? Yeah, that's right.
Uh, 65 percent physical, yeah, 15 percent psychological and, uh, three percent dental.
Cliffie, you know something, man? You're a walking encyclopedia.
Oh, thank you, Normie.
Unfortunately, you're also a talking encyclopedia.
MAN: Motions, recess, motions, recess.
When is this thing going to end? Two weeks, and the wife hasn't even taken the stand yet.
I missed a couple words of testimony.
I wanted to go back and double-check it with the court reporter.
Why do you keep your own record of the testimony? They write down everything that's said.
They don't write down emotions attitudes, telling facial glances.
Study my face.
What am I thinking? As the foreman of your jury, I feel that it is my duty to record each shred of evidence to give us every kernel of information so that we can make the thoughtful and correct decision.
WOMAN: Well, I've already made my decision.
I think he's innocent.
Me, too.
Well, why don't we just tell the judge that and go home? (everyone agreeing) Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How can you possibly think that? I believed his testimony.
Seems like a good guy.
And he was impeccably dressed.
I can't believe that I'm hearing this.
These are your grounds for acquittal? Well, pardon me my objectivity, but I don't happen to agree.
He did it! I'm sure of it.
I can tell just by looking at him.
Oh, yeah? Yes.
I was in a very similar situation to the wife in that my fiancé has the same disarming brand of charm.
Are you saying that you're about to marry a murderer? MAN: No, don't stop her.
Let her do it.
Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! Laugh if you will.
I'm not fooled by Mr.
Grand, and neither should you be.
Ladies and gentlemen, the judge would like you back in the courtroom.
WOMAN: What's going on? Well, just between us, Mrs.
Grand is dropping the charges.
Dropping charges? Why? She realized she still loves her husband.
Excuse me.
Would it be possible for me to talk with Mrs.
Grand? Are you serious? It's over.
Oh, I am so happy for him.
MAN: I'm happy for us.
No more jury duty.
Oh, where are you guys going afterward? I tell you, the guy's a bum! Sammy, two, uh, drafts and a Manhattan.
And who's a bum? Eddie.
Eddie Fisher.
The guy hasn't had a hit record in years.
Well, you better be talking about him and not my Eddie.
Are you worried about the game tonight? Of course I'm worried about it.
I know Eddie's had a couple of bad games.
I've never been very good with numbers.
CARLA: Yeah, well, I got a really good feeling about tonight's game, you know? The weather's cleared, it's a full moon, and it's an even-numbered day in an even-numbered month.
He'll turn it around tonight, you'll see.
Oh, I think you're right.
Oh, yeah, absolutely, Carla.
There you go.
Hey, uh, I don't know if you guys have the same feeling I do, but I think it is just more than a coincidence that Eddie LeBec's, uh, bad run started when he began dating Carla.
I say she's a jinx.
Oh, come on; hey, don't say that.
I mean, Carla's finally found someone she really likes.
But what else could it possibly be, Sam? Aw, it's ridiculous.
I-I don't believe in that.
Yeah, hey, Frasier, come here.
Listen, tell these guys, will you, that there's nothing to the idea that Carla might be jinxing Eddie.
Well, Sam, technically, there is no such thing as a jinx, unless someone thinks there is.
Now, we know that Eddie's very superstitious.
If he believes that Carla's a jinx, I'm afraid it becomes a self - fulfilling prophecy.
All right, so Carla's a jinx.
What are we going to do about it? Well, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I am not going to let that woman kiss me.
Yeah, right.
Like there's a real danger of that happening.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hello.
Well, Sam, you'll be happy to know that you have me back full-time now.
The trial is over.
Well, good.
Who won? Certainly not justice.
I'm afraid the wife decided to drop all charges.
But I say the husband is a con artist who somehow managed to convince that naive woman that he loves her.
How can a man tell a woman that he loves her and yet try to kill her? I can see it.
I can see it.
Sammy, uh, could you, uh, step down to my office for one second, please? Listen, uh, we were thinking maybe someone's got to tell Carla that she's jinxing Eddie.
And what suicidal idiot did you have in mind to do that? You know, your name kept coming up in the discussion No, no, no, no, no Come on, Sammy.
Look, it's just for all us guys whose lives are so damn shallow that we depend upon the success of our local sports teams to give us a little identity around here.
Am I right? Huh? No, no, no, no way.
Listen, if you want to do this, then we'll do it fair and square.
We'll draw straws.
Don't look.
CLIFF: Oh, that's fair, Normie.
Now, I want the person who has to tell Carla to know that there's a choir job waiting for them in Vienna.
Sorry, Norm.
Well, on the upside, Normie, you're in for some great strudel.
Oh, damn.
I've never been to Europe.
Listen, uh Carla, uh a few of the guys and I have been thinking.
Now, this probably has, like, absolutely nothing to do with anything, but, uh You know, Norm, I've been thinking about Eddie and what's happened to his game and all that, and do you think it's possible that I could be jinxing him? You? Jinxing Eddie? That's silly.
No way! (chuckling): No.
(whispering): Thank you, God.
Sam? Yeah? You don't think it's possible that I'm jinxing Eddie, do you? No.
Me, either.
It's got to be something else.
And when he comes here, we're going to figure it out together.
You really like the guy, don't you? I am this close to falling hard for him.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Eddie! Oh CARLA: Hey, Eddie! Hi.
How's it going? Well, after my last game, a fan sent me some new equipment.
Dark glasses and a white cane.
Oh, you're just having a slump.
You'll get out of it.
I don't know, Sam.
I've tried everything.
I've been watching game films, taking extra practice.
I don't know what to do.
What did you used to do to break out of slumps when you were pitching, Sam? Me? Well, I, uh, drank myself into a coma.
Did it work? Hey, Eddie.
Hey, hey, Carla.
Tonight's your night; I know it.
Yeah, well, facing Gretzky, eh? Hey, forget him.
You carrying that lucky clove of garlic I gave you? Yeah.
Yes, he is.
I don't know, Carla.
I'm starting to get that choking feeling I usually get a day or two before they send me down to the minors.
No, no, no, come on! I don't want to hear any of that.
There's got to be an explanation for this, and we're going to figure it out right now.
Let's take it from the beginning, okay? When was the last time you won? Well, let's see.
I think that would be the Canadiens game, eh? Um, that's right, because I remember that's the night we met.
Yeah could've been somewhere around then.
Yeah, so, um, when did things start going bad? Well, I guess that would be the next game.
All right, now think really hard.
Have you been doing anything different during that time-- um, eating different foods, taking a different route to the Garden, buying different magazines? I mean, anything, anything at all? No, no, nothing at all.
I I've been living my life the same way as I've always lived it.
Except for one thing.
Eddie, do me a favor.
Yeah, Carla.
Beat it.
What's the problem? The problem is we just don't work anymore.
It's been a lot of grins, but we both knew it wasn't going to last forever.
So, it's time for you to hit the pavement.
Well, hey, I I don't get it.
I thought things were going great for us.
Yeah, well, they were, but they're not anymore, and I just don't want to talk about it, so shove off! Okay.
Whatever you say.
I'll see you around, I guess.
Pretty gutsy thing to do.
Gutsy? Nothin'.
I'm going to prove to all you yutzes and to myself that I'm no jinx.
If Eddie loses tonight, it's not my fault.
You'll see.
He can stink just as bad without me as he stunk with me.
It's not Romeo and Juliet, but it has a certain charm.
TV ANNOUNCER: Time running out in the third period.
It's still one-nothing, favor of the Boston Bruins.
Here's Gretzky across the Boston line, taps in front.
Rolling save by Eddie LeBec! (cheering) He went sprawling to the front side and kicked it out with his right hand.
Sammy, two beers and a vodka rocks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Come on, is my order up yet? What? Oh, c-come on, give me a second.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho! There's people here, Sammy? Are you running a bar or you just watching some stupid hockey game? All right, all right, all right.
You want to know what the score is? Is Boston leading? Yeah.
Did the Oilers score on Eddie? No.
I'm not interested.
Whoa, look out, whoa! Penalty?! He calls that slashing? Well, Frasier, he nearly cut Curry in half there.
Oh, ticky-tack.
It's a wussy call.
Let the guys play the game.
Good eve Aren't you Bill and Sherry Grand? That's right.
(laughs): Oh What an incredible coincidence.
I was the foreman of the jury at your trial.
Oh, yeah, the one with the notebook.
Oh, you noticed? It was hard not to.
I was keeping track of the testimony.
Diane Chambers.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Why weren't you at the party? Party? What party? The party the jury threw for me.
I'm surprised they would've had it without you.
You seem so attractive and intelligent.
Yes, well, those qualities confuse some people.
Besides, I had to work.
But who cares about me? The important thing is you two are back together again, huh? Thank you.
Could we maybe order? (laughs) I'd like a glass of white wine.
What-what would you like? I'll have a Bloody Mary.
(throaty laugh) Excuse me.
I know this is very forward of me, but the last time I saw you in court, you were ranting and raving, calling this man a wife murderer.
It's very shocking for me to see you with him now, so blissful.
I guess I just realized how much I love him.
I really admire your your trust, your conviction.
If you don't mind a little friendly advice, I'd sleep with one eye open.
I'll get the drinks.
It's a good thing you dropped the charges.
I'd hate to have my fate in her hands.
Bill why did you have the power saw in the kitchen? (cheering) Sam Hit 'em! A white wine and a Bloody Mary.
Oh human nature.
What?! Oh that couple over there.
They're the Grands.
You remember.
The case on which I was foreman of the jury? Oh, right, right, right, the, uh, power saw.
DIANE: I know.
You don't trust me? Oh, I tell you, it never ceases to amaze me how some people can be so ignorant of what is obvious to the rest of the world.
DIANE: Well, I guess there's something to be said for forgiveness.
In fact, in this rather jaded day and age, it's nice to know that amor vincit omnia.
Hmm? Love conquers all.
And I, for one, shall not stand in its way.
You know, Sam, I'm going to pay for this round.
Well, you better hurry.
It looks like he's about to fire up the old Black & Decker there.
(indistinct arguing) Oh, don't touch me! Stay away from me! Just stay away from me! What happened? What happened? Why don't you check your stupid little notebook?! So the system works after all.
TV ANNOUNCER: Back the Oilers go, back behind the net.
Mark Muskee starting out for the center ice.
Oilers trailing, one-nothing.
They fool the goal tender.
Pressure really on Eddie LeBec right now.
Please screw up, please screw up, please screw up.
Sam, I don't understand.
Why does Carla want Eddie to screw up? (sighs) Well, you see, if Eddie loses, then Carla wins, because it proves she's no longer a jinx.
But if he wins, then Carla loses, 'cause it reinforces the jinx theory.
Ah, the old "boy loses, girl wins, boy wins, girl loses" jinx reinforcement theory.
If I've seen it once, I've seen it TV ANNOUNCER: Still one-nothing, Boston Bruins lead.
Time running out on the game.
Oilers bring it out to center ice.
Here's Mark Messier across the red line into the Bruins' zone.
Gives it down the left side to Glenn Anderson, cutting in in front-- he shoots! And it's saved by Eddie LeBec! Point-blank range.
Eddie LeBec with a great save, wins the game for the Boston Bruins.
Damn! Hey, Sam.
See the game tonight? I sure did.
It felt great.
(chuckles) Did you ever have one of those nights you just knew you could do no wrong? Oh, yeah, all the time.
Well, twice.
There you go.
What are you doing here? Just came by for a drink.
That okay? Free country.
You know Carla, after the game tonight, I I figured out why you dumped me.
I guess I'm a little slow on the uptake since I've taken so many on the melon.
I, uh I guess you wanted to see if you were causin' my slump, eh? Yeah, and guess what? Well, it doesn't seem fair that the girl that means more to me than anybody else ever has, you know, turns out to be a turns out, you know Say it: a jinx.
A hex, a whammy, a voodoo, a curse.
What am I going to do? You're not going to do anything.
I'm not going to be responsible for the Bruins missing the playoffs or for your career going down the toilet.
Hey, Eddie.
Knock 'em dead.
And watch out for those wrist shots low in the corner on your stick side.
Okay, you got it.
I wanted you to have this.
What is it? It's a recording of our song.
I thought you know, maybe sometime, you would I don't know, maybe play it and and, um, think of me you know, think good stuff.
I will.
All right, I'll see you, Carla.
See you.
You, too, Sam.
Well For a refreshing change, Carla Tortelli ends up without the guy.
This shirt's drip-dry if you want to give it a No, no, come on.
It's happened so many times, my tear ducts are all dried up.
Why don't you go on home, Sam? Come on.
I'll clean up here.
Is that what you want? Yeah, yeah, I think I want to be alone for awhile.
Okay but if you want someone to talk to, I'll be over at Diane's.
So, you know, if you want to call, just go ahead.
Please call.
Thanks, Sam.
Good night.
("O, Canada" intro played on pipe organ) MALE SINGER (on tape): ? O, Canada, our home and ? (Carla joining in): ? native land ? True patriot love (singer only): ? In all thy sons command ? With glowing hearts, we see thee rise The True North strong and free Hey, Wood, what you working on? Cheers newsletter.
Wood, Cheers doesn't have a newsletter.
Wow, there's a scoop.
I'll make that my lead story.
Night, Wood.
Say, Carla, you sure you don't want to go to the game with me tonight? I'm really on a hot streak.
You're tellin' me you're on a hot streak.
For the past few weeks, you've been fantastic.
Not bad on the ice, either.
Hey, Eddie, do me a favor and beat it! What's the problem? Problem is we just don't work anymore.
It's been a lot of grins, but we both knew it wasn't going to last forever.
I don't get it.
I thought things were great between us.
Well, they were, but they're not anymore, so hit the bricks.
All right, whatever you say.
Say, I was in here a couple of weeks ago.
Didn't Carla and her boyfriend break up then? Yeah.
They do that before every game.
It's kind of a ritual.
Hey, Carla, that's it! We're finished! Through! Good-bye! Good-bye! Red Wings Thursday night.
See you then, eh? Superstitious little guy, but he's mine.